So this hooker Lauren* (names have not been changed to protect those who talk dirty to my baby brother) calls up my friend Brian. Brian, momentarily incapacitated by retardation, sees that it's Lauren and lets my brother answer his phone. The first thing out of Lauren's mouth is: You want me to jack you off?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So later tonight, I was on the phone setting up an appointment with a student. Out of the corner of my eye, I see my brother come into my office, write something on a Post It and leave. A few minutes later, Brian comes in and says, "Look what your brother put up on the fridge." Apparently, he had replaced a Post-It I had written that said, "For July-No more bullshit" with "For August - No More Sex Life."

Lauren is a dead woman.

I was smoking with my friends Eric and Rie last night and I blurted out something that I realized was really close to my heart. I said... "Is it wrong that the thought of ugly people having sex is disgusting to me? Does that make me shallow?"

On that note, I've decided that if I were to run for Governor of California, my platform would be...Less ugly people having sex. Because it's disgusting.

There. I'm going to win.

The devil likes to play a drowning man. Don't give him a hand.

i dream in yellow
i dream of peace
i dream one day you
love all of me and promise to never leave
i dream of sunrises that swallow oceans
leaving puddles rippled by the gentle breeze
i dream i am afraid
they will someday swallow me