"It's like, how much more black could this be? And the answer is none. None more black."

-This is Spinal Tap

2009 was the year I went rogue.
2010 is the year I went black.

Blog is moved to:

www.juliashih.com/echo

back in seattle. got hugged by a crack ho trying to get me to give her 5 dollars for "a sanitary napkin." i gave her three dollars, which was what i had in my pocket, kind of thrust them at her while twisting out of her grasp, mostly because i was afraid she would try to hug me again.

went to berkeley tonight to meet up with rie and head over to aubrey and candice's to visit their baby. we went to pick up some food at the berkeley bowl, this whole-foods like market where the produce is supposed to be all local. i was driving the shopping cart with seigo in it, and we were talking about where i should move as she picked out some organic mango slices from a plastic bin. i said, "i just feel like san jose will be really boring."

a big, black brutha who looked like a rich man's common, overheard and walked by saying, "yeah it'll be." i laughed and rie stared. "you don't want to live in san jose," he said, smiled and walked away.

i went on saying that fremont would be worse when rie turned around almost in a panic and said, "that guy was really hot! why didn't you do anything?"

"what was to be done?" i asked. it's not like he stopped and asked me for my number and i said no. "besides," i said, nodding towards seigo, "he probably talked to me cuz he thought seigo's my kid, so i'm safe." we kept bumping into him in the aisles and almost because rie had made a big deal of it, i was embarrassed every time.

we headed over to aubrey and candice's with takeout and spent the night chatting with them. rie and eric only live about 10 minutes away from them, so i hope they can hang out, even if i'm not there. rie's my best friend from college and aubrey's my best friend from high school. they both recently had kids. they should hang.

ethan fell asleep in my arms and i didn't want to move and wake him, so i told aubrey to go take a nap while his son was down. i can't imagine it, how new parents can function on so little sleep.

we drank wine with candice. girl talk. men, life, etc. biggest disappointment? a bad kisser.

"can a guy be a bad kisser but good in bed?"

"NO!" we said. if a guy's a bad kisser, who sticks around long enough to find out if he's good in bed?

candice can not believe my celibacy thing. why do you think i went so nuts with basketball last year?

"it's not from lack of trying," i said.

"it IS from lack of trying," rie said.

i've always been very good about not rebounding between relationships. if i meet a guy and really like him, i want to know that i'm being fair to him and the relationship, to feel confident that i know to the best of my understanding up to this point in life what i want, what i need. to like a guy for who he is rather than projections and mitigating circumstances driven by the past. i won't use you. please don't use me. that's what i try to bring to relationships. that, and absolute awesomeness.

but this requires long stretches of self-discipline, soul-searching, and lots and lots and lots of exercise. i'm just looking for someone i can really feel connected with.

got a message from michael. my mom has a free southwest ticket which she said i could use to fly back to seattle. these tickets can be booked anytime so i've been procrastinating with it, but michael's our family travel agent so he offered to book it for me. he booked it, but he didn't change the name so apparently, my mom was booked for a flight to seattle. had to head home to fix it.

it amazes me to think that the next time i come back to the bay area, probably in 6-8 weeks, ethan will be so much bigger. he's 6 weeks now, but infants grow so fast. the development is exponential.

before leaving, i took this picture of seigo:

precious little munchkin.

weird. got a friend request from that rapper/lyrical poet from the theor******, this funk/hip hop group i really like in seattle. i'd recently been hyping them on facebook. i had tried to fly back in time for their show last month (and had invited some of my basketball teammates), but i had to go to la for my shoulder check-up instead. but i'd pulled a couple of clips off youtube and put them on my facebook. he sent a message, "you came to my performance at the triple door, correct?"

i was surprised because i remember he had noticed me and we had smiled at each other, but i didn't go up and talk to him even though it was a small club because i'm not like that. call it shy, call it believing that conversation should happen naturally, call it not wanting to be another groupie, i don't know. but i did buy his group's cd, which i'd been enjoying in my cd player in seattle, and signed up for the mailing list.

i thought about it, and figured he probably sent a mass friend request to everyone who had signed up for the mailing list who had been at the show, or somehow tracked back the youtube clips and saw what i wrote about them on facebook. it was just another random add. but i sent him a message saying that their show at the triple door was the best show i'd seen in seattle and i was looking forward to the march show.

he wrote back asking how long i would be in seattle, and what i was doing in ca.

??

does he actually remember me? so random.

wants: lots of love
needs: lots of space

to give: lots of love and lots of space

will compromise: lone operator-ism for an equal partner in crime
deal breaker: having to guess where i stand

lone wolf is young alpha male broken from the pack to start new pack with female lone. two alphas willing to dominate world rather than each other are yin and yang, new world order.

i taught my cousin jonathan how to do a respectable tae kwon do bow. it really only delays my ass-kicking by about 1.7 seconds.

"if you're making fun of something, you're protected legally."

i am happy today.

there comes a time where you have to stop trying to understand why someone is the way they are, and decide if you are going to accept them for who they are.

i'm going back to seattle on thursday. terri is driving through on her way to vancouver and she also wants me to meet her new boyfriend. sensing this is the one.

incidentally, there's been a book that i've been saving to read in march. no specific reason, just felt like that was the right time to encounter it. looks like it's time.

i wish you would make up your mind, my friend. it would bring you a greater sense of peace.

you're a piece of gold
that flashes on my soul...

it's true. i hold myself to a higher standard. it's because there are so many things in which i know better than to do. it's about responsibility, or accountability. i still have flaws, and failings, and i have to be as compassionate about them as i am when it comes to other people. we're all still human. but i can't let myself get away with things if i know that i know better.

when i went over to aubrey and candice's, aubrey noticed that ethan was fixated on the spot above my head.

"he's fascinated by your aura," he said.

"he's looking at my halo," i said. "it's finally intact."

aubrey gave me a quizzical look.

"i've been good for a very long time, aubrey."

he smiled. he's never known me to be not good. "what defines good?" he asked.

"restraint," i said.

my task is not to seek for completion, but to seek and find all the barriers within myself that i have built against it.

maybe in fremont, i'm just bored out of my mind.

as soon as my arm gets strong enough so that i can handle things living alone, i'm heading back to seattle. plan my next move. i can either come back in june, or finish my lease in september. if i only have 1 completed short story to show for this one year sabbatical, i'm going to be pissed. i have to stop quitting on myself and throwing out the work as soon as it gets challenging. will probably live in palo alto or san jose so i can be close to both office and culinary school. start work first, get acclimated for a year, then start culinary program. want to be able to do what i have to do here and be out in 2-3 years. back in la. or at least, have one foot firmly planted in la.

can't go back to la for at least 2 years anyway since i've signed out my place. and of course, all i wanna do is go back, own a place off the beach where i can watch the sun set into the ocean every day. want to be able to financially do that in 2 years. i'm going to always need 2 homes in 2 separate cities. that's just the way i am.

gemini. needs two of everything. but wants only one person. go figure.

sidekicks need to be intelligent, capable and brave, but content with being the sidekick. i've advertised for a sidekick when i was younger. i'm pretty sure most of the guys who applied really just wanted to sleep with me.

men who don't understand me but just want to sleep with me are starfuckers.

you know what it's called when random strangers think they know you but they don't? celebrity.

you know why celebrities are crazy? because they no longer have full rights to their own lives.

you know what it means when people keep coming up to you in public places thinking you look familiar even though they don't know you? it means you better start busting your ass giving them a reason to know you, because someone out there who looks just like you already has.

whenever i tell rie that some guy has sparked my interest, her first question is usually, "is he actually datable or are you just horny?"

ideally i want to find the person who's mine. the one who gets me, and i get him, and we make each other and the world around us a better place. we'll each be entire intriguing universes to each other that are endless to explore, and together, we'll grow. but that happens when it's meant to happen, and there's been a lot of life lived without him where i've been on my own.

a part of me would love to mess around while i'm biding my time, waiting for that person i'm going to intertwine lives with. i get bored, i get lonely. it's not easy. this wait has been long. especially because i know everyone else lives life so much less seriously (or consciously), and especially because sex is a good thing. but i feel like it's not an avenue that i'm allowed. even if i just wanted something casual for the sake of something casual, i need to have rapport and chemistry with someone, otherwise it won't be good. but if we have rapport and chemistry, usually the guy wants a relationship, or feels i used him. it never works out. i fall into relationships i knew could never work even before it started. then i feel like i should have known better. i should never pursue for the sake of pursuing. i have to be willing to keep what i catch, and understanding that now, i've learned restraint. there are times when someone piques my interest and i want to chase, but i have to ask myself what is my end goal, and if i can't see myself wanting to keep him, have him in my life, take a relationship seriously, then i have to let him go. i can't hunt for the sake of hunting anymore. maybe i tried when i was younger and didn't know better, but now that i know people can get hurt, it's on me to make better judgment. and i have. this is what i mean when i tell people i've been good for a long time. it's restraint. i don't pursue for thrill. i restrain myself to wait for something that's real.

incidentally, when i tried to move my blog yesterday, it suddenly published posts that were saved as drafts. i found this post, from 12/25/09 (2:52 am). here's an example. i knew i was pursuing this guy because he was fascinating to me but there was no way anything real could come about it. so i forced myself to let go. and when it's something that wasn't meant to be yours in the first place, it breaks like a fever. then you know.

we guarded each other today, played each other hard. he blocked about 6 of my shots, but i had some moves today that outdid myself. last games were 2 on 2 and we guarded each other while josh played with me. josh and i work really well together. 2nd person asked if josh is my type today, and i answer that we're friends that go way back. that's valuable.

i asked the guy if he has kids and he said he didn't. i figured he either has young sons, or he has an older sister who has boys. he feels like someone who's been divorced if he is indeed single.

this fixation is no good. when i told my mom about him, she said i'm just hunting again. i feel it, too. i have such a need to be immersed inside people and taste their world as though it were my own. but i never own it. i just want to see it. and even though i try to leave people in better places, sometimes it gets messy. i think this is one of those situations where i just have to have the willpower to forget about it and not mess around with it.

tried moving everything to the new blog tonight. it's a different interface and it's daunting, but i'm willing to give it a try. i can't really look at it though until we change the background color dark. i hate looking at white.

Get up get out and do somethin'
Don't let the days of your life pass you by
Get up get out and do somethin'
How will you make it if you never even try?

ethan. 6 weeks old, but already quite the deep thinker. loves staring at my halo.

Dream big, dear Gemini - this is a month when even miracles can come true.