i've been pondering the question of...

1. when you find the right person, you'll find the place where you belong.

or,

2. when you find the right place, you'll find the person with whom you belong.

i think it depends on the person. for me personally, i see the entire world as my canvas, and while i need a home base, i hope someday to have homes in various parts of the world. but people...if i don't have people whom i feel safe with, i feel adrift. so ultimately, while i've spent the last few years running around traveling, thinking how la's not the place for me, i think it's because i've felt lonely and am looking for a person. probably when i find my person, i will be happy in almost any place.

but people who are more terrestrial, who derive more of their emotional security and satisfaction from locations, will probably want to find the right location, and are more adaptable when it comes to the people. they are able to feel safe as long as they are in a place that feels comfortable, and will try to make it work with someone who adds to their environment and security. so these people, will probably be more intent on finding a place they can call home, and the person will be a person that complements this place.

a lot of people say i live an interesting life, or that i seem to be really "lucky."

if they really got to know me and thought about it, they would see how i'm not lucky, as much as i've earned everything that i have and that has come into my life, because i've faced life lessons, taken risks, built myself and my abilities, and i've learned what it means to intuitively have good timing. when to accept and when to yield to the will of the universe or others. how to communicate with it. recognize open doors. recognize my soulmates.

most importantly, how to ask for what i want, by focusing on what i really want, and being careful of the words and images i put out there.

the universe is usually happy to give you anything, as long as it gets you where you're supposed to be going and you're learning what you need to learn. beware, it has a wicked sense of irony and is not above teaching you a necessary lesson. but the most important rule to think about is,

"will i want what i get, when i get what i want?"

that really helps Future You not be resentful of Past You, and not hold grudges.

most of the random, lucky things that happen, if you look back, you'll see that i was reaching for them in the past, that i was working hard building my understanding of what i want, then looking for it, chipping away at it, like a sculptor in search of the angel within the stone, not realizing the angel is derived from something deep within him.

runners focus a certain number of feet ahead of them. if you look at the edge of your periphery in your mind, the farthest point illuminated when you think of your path, you should be able to see things. maybe they're murky shapes. maybe they're a mix of the concrete and the abstract. maybe you have trouble distinguishing what's real from what's imagination, what is hope, dream, wish, fear. regardless, take the time to focus on this spot. work to get to a place where you can distinguish real shapes that you believe to be true, even if you're not sure what they are. learn to read shapes and signs. and carve at it until the closer you get, the more clear and solid they become. beware of injecting your fears. these project into the future. beware of allowing your humility to compromise all that could be waiting for you. the problem is often not that people ask for too much, but that they don't ask for what is fully possible to them. they sell themselves short. be honest about who you are and what you want in your life to be happy. then ask for the most possible within that truthful framework.

i remember last year, i called rie from amsterdam and told her my boyfriend had proposed to me. i was a little apprehensive because he did this after an argument, and my gut feeling was that there was something very wrong with this...that this occurrence signaled something deeper and more problematic than i had the perspective to understand at the time, so i wanted to know her perspective.

she told me, marriage is not something that just happens. it's not a proposition that just sneaks up on you, and then you have this tiny window to say yes, or no, and suddenly, your entire life swings by this moment's decision, leaving you at life's whim. she said it's something that two people unfold, a decision, a belief, that this is the next stage in the path, that through consideration and understanding of themselves and their hopes and dreams, the idea to get married itself is not a random act of chance, but a solid, adult and collaborative decision in the face of life's randomness and chance.

in a way, i think life in general is like that. so many people perceive it as so big, so random, so in control, that they believe the only power they have are the decisions they make in the moment when they're suddenly faced with a decision. but the truth is, most of the time, you build your future.

i always wonder, when i see things in the future that later on end up happening, if i saw it because it was there, sitting in the future, or was it because I saw it, it became the future. am i an observer, or am i a reality projector?

to be honest, we are both. there are things we can not change because of the way we've built up our lives, like the waves of the ocean hitting the beach that are coming because of all that has already been put into motion. but unless you've completely walked your life into a corner, there's so much room for creation. so much room to decide who you want to be, and what you want in your life, so that you can set yourself a direction and put yourself in the best position to get there.

people with good timing are not psychic. or magicians. nor are they purely lucky. they are people who, within some place inside themselves, understand that there is a balanced relationship between their personal universe inside them and the workings of the world outside. they understand that by always understanding where they are now, and being able to look at the farthest point of their forward periphery, they can find and project what is there, because these are things that they had previously believed and asked for.

i knew in march that i was aiming for august, that i will meet someone very extraordinary. i have put myself in the exact position to do that, and met an extraordinary person. through this experience, i now know what i'm looking for within someone's eyes, within someone's mind, heart and soul. i've been refocused.

now, when i look forward in my periphery, i see hard work and words. lots and lots of words. i see collaboration, i see a need to focus with september through october being dedicated to laying down roots, settling down and making money, building my reputation, finally showing people what i've been working on. i see beneficial collaboration with exciting, talented people. and i see a very interesting man with bright eyes who will understand me.

if i should get there, it will be exactly where i was meant to be. and when i achieve what i saw and happiness radiates out of me, people will again say, what a magical life you live. how lucky you are.

but i'll remember, that i built it. i saw it, i felt it was best for me so i believed in it, walking towards it through the tunnel of time, taking what i needed and building my life, myself, my connections and my experiences in necessary ways to get to that place.

i believe this is the strongest way to live. if you ever ask me what is the secret to a magical life, it is this. know what you want. look into your future, see it there, believe in it, then bust your ass to put yourself in the best position to be in that time and place.

A cynical woman thinks, "All men lie." An incisive woman knows, "Weak men lie." There's a big difference. Know the difference. The difference means empowerment, choosing to only accept what will add to your life, not take away from it. Do you value yourself? Then don't ever agree to being talked into accepting less than you deserve, or you will confine yourself to deserving less.

When you get [what you want], will you want [what you get]? Isn't this kinda one of the first things you should ask yourself? Maybe it is a luxury. But it does give Future You more rewards to enjoy and less fires to put out.out.

david will be here in less than 24 hours. and i have a feeling after that, everything changes. i can't see how, only that it's necessary, and that i have to have faith that i'm ready to handle the next chapter of my life. to borrow my favorite line from one hell of a well-written show (friday night lights):

clear eyes, full hearts can't lose.

and so, i prepare to leave all that i find familiar.

*****

the thing about scorpio is a lot of astrologers tie this sign to an obsession with and influence of death, and as my scorpio friends tell me (both consciously and subconsciously), they're always aware of death, that one day life may end, and that at that point, they get taken away from all their stuff. they tend to be really into the distinction of what is "their stuff." they also tend to be really obsessed with the need for control, and what is the ultimate loss of control but death of the human consciousness.

but the other thing i've tied to the symbol and energy of scorpio is represented by the tower card in the tarot. this card used to scare me because it came up in every single reading i did for people within the 2 weeks before 9/11, and i was just beginning my connection to the tarot.

see? scary stuff. especially when your wisdom hasn't become fully aware yet.

but then as my relationship with the symbols of tarot matured, i began to see how the tower also represents a different type of death--an event so cathartic or catastrophic that all that was once familiar is demolished or exposed, so that there is nothing left for a person to do but collapse and mourn their lost world, or continue on into a new situation, position or challenge.

here's the thing about life. you have to build your life the way you would build a house. maybe you were young and all you really wanted was a fort, so that's what you built, supported by the precarious legs of 2x4's. but as you get older, and as you expand your domain to support more things and people in your life, you have to make room for them. but you also have to make sure that the foundation you've built will support these new things you want now and in the future.

the way the events represented by the tower work is that sometimes, there are events in your life that shake up your world. and if you've built your life on a strong foundation, your tower will stand. but if you haven't, your tower will come crumbling down, forcing you to either be completely overwhelmed by the rubble of your previous life, or bearing the wisdom gained by reflection, you can start anew by consciously building a stronger foundation which will support your needs, desires, hopes and dreams. a tower event can be devastating, but it can also be the best thing that ever happened to you, forcing you to let go of things in your life that are no longer useful or that no longer suit who you have evolved into. it can be challenging but fulfilling, depending on the strength of the foundation you've built, as well as your ability to be flexible and deny your desire to control things that are out of your control so you can recognize your path exactly as it comes.

Great article find by Rebecca (not sure from where so I'll cite when I know). My take on guys with major issues...if you've got the time and energy and really have nothing (or no one) better to do, pursue at your own risk because there's always one in a 1000 that ends up letting go of their crap. But know going in that you should maintain very strong boundaries, and do not, do not, do not give away your heart. Even if your pet project is that one in a 1000 that gets fixed, he'll always know you've seen him at his worst so chances are, you won't get to keep him anyway.

******

Repeat this to yourself one thousand times:
Screwed-up people are not more interesting than people with their heads together. Baggage is not fascinating, romantic, or exciting. It is very, very tiring. Men who are polite and emotionally mature are hot. Learn it, love it, live by it.

Linda
I have no idea whom to blame for the romantic mythology surrounding brooding, emotionally limited, narcissistic yahoos. I’m tempted to chalk it up to movies, where most men who start out as selfish jerks are eventually revealed to be wounded birds of some sort. Or it might be the uglier side of the therapy culture, which tempts you with the idea that these jerks might be amenable to solution, like crossword puzzles.

For whatever reason, there are a surprising number of women who are attracted to guys who can’t commit, who can’t relate, who can’t get along with anyone, who can’t tell the truth… these guys get a lot of action.

It’s not that women really want jerks, exactly. I think it’s a matter of mistaking emotional clutter for emotional complexity. Here’s an analogy: Imagine a messy apartment. You walk in, you survey your surroundings, and there’s an incredible quantity of stuff lying around. Books in tall stacks, Chinese food containers in the corners, DVDs in and out of boxes scattered around the TV… the place is in chaos. And while you wouldn’t really want to live there, there might be some part of you that would look around and grudgingly admit, “There’s a lot going on here.” Now, imagine the same apartment, once somebody has managed to get it cleaned up. The books are on the shelves, the trash is thrown away, the DVDs are alphabetized. This is a much nicer place to live. But it’s a little… you know, boring. And that’s in spite of the fact that the same books are being read, the same food is being eaten, and the same DVDs are being watched. You’re just in the presence of a person who knows how to clean up after himself.

I think that for a lot of women, guys in turmoil seem strangely fascinating, as if they are, by definition, more interesting than everyone else. There’s more of that clutter, so there’s more going on, and there’s more to sink your teeth into, and there’s maybe even more emotional depth to such a person.

Let me tell you something about the guys I know who are emotionally mature. The ranks of the healthy and rational include plenty of guys who have been in rehab, or been divorced, or seen their parents’ marriages end horribly, or had their own dreams thwarted in some ugly way—all the things that creeps are fond of waving around as explanations for why they lie or cheat on you or generally continue to be creeps.

The difference is that the healthy and rational people have at least undertaken the process of digesting all of that stuff and placing it in some sort of perspective so that it doesn’t have to become your problem. They know from suffering, just as much as the ones who sit around brooding into their beers and writing free verse and dragging everyone else into their little theater of agony. The sane ones are still working on their crap, too—who isn’t? The difference is that they’re not fetishizing their own misery or asking you to embrace it. And that’s a benefit to you, because the only thing you can guarantee yourself about that kind of hair-pulling drama is that if you cuddle up next to it, it’ll get on you.

You’re going to get plenty of emotional complications from anyone. Even people who have their lives very well pulled together are going to give you lots of opportunities to practice patience and understanding. There’s no point in starting out with someone who isn’t even trying.

Evan
According to Linda, many intelligent women prefer men with emotional complexities, even if it means that he can be verbally abusive, inaccessible, and generally loonier than Courtney Love on a bender. Now, I can’t speak for all men, but while I may have tolerated similar behavior, I can’t say I’ve ever preferred it. Any time I found myself dating a woman who was an emotional roller-coaster, the only reasons I stuck with her were because a) I was lonely and her presence in my life helped to fill a void or b) I was getting the best sex of my life. Lame, but true.

Put another way: Could you ever picture a man saying out loud, “There’s something that’s just so mysterious about her. Sometimes I look in her eyes and I feel like she totally understands me, and other times, I have no idea what she’s thinking. She runs really hot and cold but I can’t get enough of her. I think I’m going to stick around until I can crack her shell. One day she’ll learn to be more emotionally available and loving.” Tolerance for female ambivalence is not a stereotypically male attribute.

This isn’t at all to castigate women, as much as it is to acknowledge that women see more nuance in every scenario, so it’s no surprise that they give undeserving men the benefit of the doubt. But what for? Hasn’t every woman since the beginning of time had a thing for jerks and realized at some point that jerks were always going to be jerks?

I was the nice guy in high school who enjoyed being friends with cute girls who wouldn’t go out with me in a million years. I figured, “If that’s as close as I can get, I’ll take it. Maybe one day they’ll realize what I’m worth.” I would listen to boy problems galore — essentially, nice girls being treated badly by jerks — and not once did any of these girls ever say: “Hmm, Evan’s a great guy with a really kick-ass mullet. I’ll bet he’d be a wonderful boyfriend.”

But it’s not simply the rejection of the nice guy that’s keeping so many women single. It’s the acceptance of the screwed-up guy. Because screwed-up guys draw screwed-up women into a whole Misery Loves Company episode of Love Connection—where both parties are brought together not by the audience but by their insecurities and inadequacies.

All that “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself” stuff? So true. And if you’re choosing to date guys with major issues, you’re just as guilty as he is. Yes, everybody’s got issues, but not necessarily deal-breaker-type issues. Which is why women often say they’re seeking men who can fit their baggage in a carry-on. Unfortunately, there are lot of men who try to sneak a 75-pound trunk onto the plane and protest that it has wheels so it’s technically a carry-on. Women with issues are the ones who choose these guys.

Women who have their act together simply don’t have the patience. Admittedly, there are a few people who probably enjoy the histrionics and the moods and the make-up sex that come with dating drama kings and queens. But I’d bet that most are just willing to tolerate the drama, because, thus far, that drama comes attached to the “best” person they could find. Essentially, they’re saying, “Yeah, he’s inconsistent, selfish, and distant, but he’s all mine.” Just realize that every second you’re spending with the wrong guy is a second that you’re not out looking for the right one — the guy who gives, the guy who listens, the guy who learns.

"There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact, makes much impression on him, and another none. This sculpture in the memory is not without preestablished harmony. The eye was placed where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray. We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self Reliance

i've got my lights dimmed. i've got my candles lit. i've got air's late night tales playing in my right ear. i don't know why it's like that. why music always feels so good when it comes through the right. i can feel it more.

in these quiet moments when i'm alone, when i can spend time relaxing with myself, it's such a state of ultimate peace. i can feel everything, every single waft of emotion that floats through me, the colors of them, the spectrums, the textures. i have an extensive emotional range and really enjoy that.

my friend michelle said something brilliant to me the other day. if you think of people's emotional range as a box of crayons...some people have 3, some have 16, some have a huge boxful. even if you have a huge boxful of crayons, you have to understand that some people only have 3 crayons, and that's all they have to color with.

so is it worthwhile to spend the time trying to teach someone with 3 crayons all the infinite colors there are in the emotional spectrum? it's like teaching a blind person the meanings of sight. you have to keep searching for signifiers, common perceptions of ideas, so that you can have a relative point to explain a perception in a way that someone who has no understanding can begin to understand.

in secret, i have been teaching my autistic brother how he can express and feel love, to not be afraid. if you have seen him and how far he's come in life, you can see him changing and growing. they think that people with autism can't grasp abstract ideas. but my brother understands love. he tells me the pain of loss is when he is crying in his heart. "because men don't cry on the outside." my brother suffers so greatly from fear of loss that he is constantly looking for clues that he is loved. when you feel him being emotionally needy, you have to give him love. you have to tell him how handsome is, and how interesting he is but more than anything you can hug him and tell him you love him. all that matters is that it is truthful down to the very last bit of your soul, because he can smell any hint of insincerity or distraction, which he'll feel as another betrayal. you have to feel an actual transference of energy. but the glow on his face when he feels these things and knows you're sincere, it is utter gratitude so corporeal, it becomes an entity, a force. if you can truly see how an act of pure kindness can brighten a soul energy, you have to let yourself experience this. you will believe in god. that by nurturing something pure and giving it unadulterated love from the deepest reaches of your soul, when it's accepted by another person, you'll have such a feeling of immense peace, you'll get a glimpse of what the Truth is, behind all this illusion that is our lives. you'll see that's all it is, what's in the darkness behind the scenes, this stage of ours, this drama. it's what connects us all, our ultimate connection to each other ,this utter acceptance of who we each are at the core. That peacefulness, that integrity, that wholeness, is what love is...when you let yourself embrace it and become it. it's everything...the thing that is the truth of everyone and everything.

somewhere on the battlefield are the wounded, those who have been cut off from love or have forgotten what it is due to trauma, or have been putting all their energy into holding a black hole of all their anger, rage, sadness and hate so close to their heart, that they fear that opening themselves up to receive will release this negative force into existence. so they won't be able to accept the very element that would heal them and let them move forward.

then if you ask me if i believe in evil, there absolutely is. they aren't a part of us, the thing that connects us. they're souls who have gone rogue and rejected anything that stands for what they can't have and they are destructive, because they have embraced this embodiment. you really have to be careful out there because there are a lot of those types floating around, so you have to be careful of letting them see that you have higher knowledge of truth and love. they've dedicated their life purpose to destroying all that is pure.

"Those who abandoned their dreams, will try to discourage yours."

There are a lot of these types of people in this world, and many of them don't even realize that they do this, since their own loss and self-denial takes place at such a deep level. The more convicted you are in following your path, no matter how risky or outside of the norm, the more these people will be drawn to you, often crushing your spirits and ambitions as if their life depended on it. But in a way it does. Because if you succeed in following your path that's off the beaten road, it means that their whole lives of playing it safe and denying their inner voices may have been a lie, and a wasted life is the hardest thing for a human being to face.

Be mindful of these people, but don't engage them. Just know that when they come out of the woodwork, it is because you are following your path, and let their discouragements and projected fear give you more strength and perseverance in being true to yourself. At the end of the day, you have only yourself to answer to, so make sure whatever you have to show and say to yourself is something you can live with and derive pride from, not what others can live with and feel safe with.

What makes you unique is what makes you strong, and what makes you strong brings you closer to your own personal Truth and purpose. Don't let the weakness of others prevent you from expressing your true greatness.

Conditional love is a terrible weapon parents use to destroy the sanity of their children.

-Jouni Apajalahti

I made up a new word today (and I was happy enough to share it with Thode on myspace):

peginis (pe-JY-nis)

It's like a bacon wrapped hot dog...but with genitalia.

Anyone who wants to know the human psyche will learn next to nothing from experimental psychology. He would be better advised to abandon exact science, put away his scholar's gown, bid farewell to his study, and wander with human heart throught the world. There in the horrors of prisons, lunatic asylums and hospitals, in drab suburban pubs, in brothels and gambling-hells, in the salons of the elegant, the Stock Exchanges, socialist meetings, churches, revivalist gatherings and ecstatic sects, through love and hate, through the experience of passion in every form in his own body, he would reap richer stores of knowledge than text-books a foot thick could give him, and he will know how to doctor the sick with a real knowledge of the human soul.

-- Carl Jung

There are two types of strong "soulmate" connections you'll have in this world. There are the deep soul connections that are encountered between two people who can actually see, feel and experience the other person's visions which are only communicated on a psychic spiritual level. This connection has the potential for an intimacy so spiritually deep that each person accesses the true self and all-encompassing love that exists in the part of the other person that isn't of this world.

The other type is the guardian soulmate. Often our individual spiritual needs are in contradiction to our earthly needs. In order to pursue spiritual needs, a person can not adequately devote enough attention to the state of his physical survival. You will meet people who, while they do not provide the same spiritual access and opportunity for exploration as a higher soul connection, their devotion to you is so strong that they take it upon themselves to be responsible for the survival of your body and mind on this earthly plane.

I think to different people, we're different types of connections, the way jigsaw pieces fit with one piece one way, and another in another way. For example, I am a guardian soulmate to my brother. While I don't experience a deep spiritual intimacy with him, I am nevertheless tied to him spiritually and I take it upon myself to be responsible for his survival. Meanwhile, I have had strong soul connections with random people I've met in life, even when it didn't make sense or shouldn't have on this plane. These connections helped me evolve and see more of the secret linings of the universe. The deeper these connections are, the more in contradiction they are with life on this plane, because being immersed in one of these connections is the equivalent of dunking your head underwater...while immersed, you are deficient in the ability to adequately protect yourself or look out for danger on land.

Both these connections are integral to a person's evolution, whether on this plane or on a spiritual level. But like the joke about hating it when your wife and your mistress don't get along, sometimes there's a conflict or resistance when you try to integrate your life and connections on one plane with your life and connections on the other. I personally don't think these connections are in competition with one another, and if life allowed us the luxury to nurture both, I think we would gain amazing knowledge and experience in regards to what we are, where we come from and where we are within the dimensional folds of the universe.

Life is a series of lessons. While things like not bringing a freshly peeled hard-boiled egg onto a non-ventilated elevator may seem like common sense for some, they must be learned the hard way by others.


Dear lady wearing the purple scarf who got in on the 2nd floor yesterday:

I didn't fart in the elevator.

Paradox = Potential

I was sitting and listening to someone who was somewhat boring, so I was idly stirring some ice cubes in a plastic cup with a straw. I started to notice a burning sensation in my inner thigh but didn't want to be rude and interrupt the person speaking so I continued to stay engaged in the conversation. The burning started getting more intense to the point where I was on the verge of jumping up and yelling, "My leg is on fire!" So finally, I shoot a hand down to my leg and discover that somehow, I had popped an ice cube into my chair and it had melted through my pants. I thought it was interesting that I experienced it as a something intensely "hot" when, if I had been mentally cognizant of its properties, I would have perceived it as being intensely "cold." So of course, this person is trying to small talk with me and my brain is off thinking about the mathematical properties of infinity and all the theoretical implications it has on the fabric of reality, since hot/cold is another example of two polar opposites producing somewhat similar results. I think the symbol for infinity is absolutely apropos. Think about the point at the middle of the symbol. Imagine 2 points are sitting on it. Now imagine each point moving in opposite directions at exact intervals so that the distance from the starting point of one is always equal to the distance from the starting point of the other. Move each down the arms of the symbol so each takes a different path down the loop until they both arrive at the exact same point in which they started from. So this exact point, at this exact "time," representing the point in which these two points are closest together (existing in the exact same space) as well as farthest from each other. Time would be represent the added perception (like...what is it that satellites use? Triangulation formulas?) to be able to measure a difference. But I still believe infinity is the point in which polar opposites exist at the exact same point. Two sides of a coin. Thin line between love and hate. Don't ever ask for a soulmate. The dynamic is infinite. You will get the most intense experience of love/hate that's both uplifting and destructive. But then again, destruction equals change equals reconstruction, right? It's all a journey.

Today, I Saw A Penis

I was on my way to the gym today, stopped at a light, and saw this older black guy standing on the curb outside of Carl's Jr., dancing to music from a Walkman and taking a streaming piss. Yes, he was boogieing to music with his penis in hand for all the world to see. You couldn't not look. At least, I couldn't. I was both repelled and envious...I sure as hell can't dance when I'm taking a public piss.

Just watched Elephant. What the fuck, Gus? 1. Does anyone in this movie go to class?!? 2. What was with the walking scenes? 3. Eagerly awaiting Elephant 2: The Shower Scene.

Some random driving thoughts as I near a new, improved Version 2.6 chapter of my life. Or, things I've learned in the last year:

1. Loud is a distinct genre of music.
2. Lucky Charms is not only a versatile meal, but is magically delicious.
3. People who need you but don't know how to love you, will only hate you for insisting on loving them.
4. I am very selective about love and sex, but negotiable regarding cuddling.
5. Loneliness has a distinct flavor.
6. True strength comes from being gentle and forgiving with yourself.
7. Knowing how to save is great, but you can't be afraid to spend.
8. A friend is any person, even a stranger, who serves as an angel during a time of need.
9. Never forget to enjoy what you have.
10. Don't let patience, tolerance and kindness create a blindness towards disrespect.
11. Don't be afraid of change.
12. Taking a trip alone is useful for helping you reconnect with yourself.
13. Happiness is ephemeral. Striving for happiness is striving to hold water in your hands without spilling a drop. Contentment is real and attainable. And you are in complete control of it.
14. Life will never cease to surprise me.
15. Money you can always make. But health, you can never get back.
16. Michael is going to be okay.
17. I will never cease to be soothed by the gentleness of Pisces.
18. I often dream about a mystery man with dark hair, dark eyes, light skin, strong arms, a soothing voice and a warm touch that overwhelms with kindness. These dreams give me peace.
19. You can never know what's around the corner. But there's nothing better than a pleasant surprise.
20. SELF RESPECT.

For a friend of mine, who is going through a rough time:

"How can I shed tears for a man I should never have allowed to touch me in any way?" (White Oleander, Janet Fitch)

We've all been there, love. It's a rite of passage. And when we pick up our pieces and stand back up, so much stronger than we ever thought possible, we finally realize--we are and have always been, worth more than we had ever been willing to believe.

Here's a little story:

During a long and particularly harsh winter, a woman gathering firewood in the forest finds a wolf lying by the side of a path. He is starving and bleeding from a wound on his side, and looks to be on the brink of death. Because she is a kind woman who could never turn her back on anyone or anything in need, she picks him up and carries him home. She feeds him and bandages his wounds and nurses him back to health, and for weeks, the wolf would lay at her side by the fireplace, letting her stroke his head as he slept. Sometimes, he would lick her hand affectionately to show his appreciation and love. She became used to the wolf and even loved him, as her unconditional kindness had created a bond with this wild animal and had made him her gentle companion. One morning, she awoke to find her door open and the wolf was nowhere to be found. Deeply saddened, she searched the surrounding woods and left food out on her doorstep every morning in hopes that he would return, but he never did. She never saw him again and the abandonment by her lost friend broke her heart.

Does this story seem sad?

Here's the story from a different perspective:

During a long and particularly harsh winter, a wolf can not find enough food to feed itself. Starving and wounded from fighting for prey, he drops to the snow-covered ground, wheezing out what he believes to be his last breaths. Through his half-closed eyes, he sees an old woman approaching from the distance. The wolf knows that if he had more strength, he would rip through this woman's neck with his teeth and take her down. But in his current state, this is impossible. Luckily, the woman is a kind woman; she takes him home and nurses him back to health, sharing the food off her table with him and bandaging his wounds. The wolf greatly appreciates this woman's kindness. He lays by her side at night, and accompanies her during her foraging expeditions, loyal and protective. But deep down, something gnaws at him--he knows he is still a wolf and his nature is to kill. As his strength increases day by day, he begins to feel his predator urge creep up on him, particularly at night, when the woman lies sleeping in bed, her vulnerable flesh exposed. The wolf can not deny his nature even if he wanted to. Knowing this and because he loves her, one morning, when the door becomes unlatched by the wind, the wolf leaves, going back to fight for his survival in a harsh winter landscape rather than risk letting his nature hurt someone who has extended such kindness.

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I came up with this story as an analogy to describe an understanding of a recent/not-so-recent experience (take your pick) which I won't go into detail about. I figure, if you have been through this kind of experience, then you will understand the true meaning of this story. If you have not, then just take this as a story.

The Game [For Women]

The Rules are bullshit. Here are some of my personal, proven monkey-psych tips for dating and the art of the pickup, in honor of V-Day. This covers stuff outside of getting a one-night stand because I don't think anyone needs tips for that because getting a hook-up is really easy.

Body Language

* If someone is interested, he will mirror you. If you're not sure where the guy you're on a date with stands, do small gestures and see if he follows. I usually take a sip of water, or whatever beverage I'm having. If he takes my cue and is unconsciously motivated to also pick up his glass and take a sip, the game is on. [sidenote: FAKING IT. You can make a person think you guys are on the same page so you must have awesome chemistry or let a guy know you're interested in him by mirroring him. Do the small unconscious gestures that he does, or sit/position your hands the way he does. He won't pick up on it, but his subconscious radar will]

* Watch where the guy angles the core of his body. This is the line that runs through the middle of his torso, from his crotch to his chest. When he's talking to you if he directs his core at you, that's really good. If he angles it away from you, that's not good. Note: If you have a boyfriend and he's cheated on you, is thinking about cheating on you, or has a secret that he's afraid to tell you because he thinks it's going to affect your relationship [ie your willingness to give him some] he will defend and hide his core. This is something to look out for if you suspect that something's not right in a relationship.

* A guy who is sitting with his legs open (as opposed to crossed) or crossed in a way that leaves his package area open and framed (by his legs and his hand placement) is probably interested. At the very least, in hooking up.

*Find a reason to touch him. Just a gentle brush against his arm or a playful bump as you're walking. If you want to be a player (I've recommended this to people and it works really well), whisper, "Don't move." Then lean in slightly (within dangerously close kissing distance), gently touch his cheek with your fingertips as if you're brushing something away and then look him in the eye and say, "You had an eyelash on your cheek." This creates an opening for some mad muggin'.

Conversation

* It's all about your date. This sucks but if you want to play the dating game, this is surefire. Talk about him. Ask him a lot of questions. Maintain eye contact. Really process what he's saying. Ask follow-up questions. The best conversationalists are good listeners. Then after the conversation, the guy will feel really good because pretty much, he got to talk about what he cares about most...himself. If you don't want a guy who's a narcissist, then pay attention to whether or not he reciprocates by asking you a lot of questions about yourself. Usually this technique is also a good gauge of your date. I'll ask a date a lot of questions but if he doesn't reciprocate, chances are that he's selfish and/or narcissistic, which pretty much correlates to being disappointing in bed.

* Demonstrate that you remember the things he says or the things that are important to him. If he mentions that his best friend's name is Rob, then if he mentions later on something like, "My best friend came over last weekend...," ask, "Is this Rob?" Do little thoughtful things that show that you remember things he likes or doesn't like, or opinions that he has by referring back to them, mentioning seeing/hearing something that made you think of something he said, or giving him gifts/informations (tokens) that show that you listen, remember and care.

* I hate monikers. People who constantly refer to the person they're dating as "babe" or such when they talk to them bug the hell out of me because it shows detachment and often fear of intimacy. I'm usually very careful about getting involved with someone who does that; it's a red flag. It's the same psychological coin as why we refer to certain people by nicknames (ie The Hot Black Guy, Orange On a Toothpick, Troll, Office Whore, etc). We're not really dealing with the fact that they are people and it helps us keep from completely relating to them as such. If I respect someone (and especially if I respect and care about someone), sub-consciously, I'll use his god-given name a lot. I'll say, "Thanks, Brian" instead of "Thanks, babe," even though I do use monikers every once in a while. Under the surface, people do notice when you call them by name and it makes them feel good, almost in the same way remembering their birthdays does.

* People trying to distance themselves emphasize differences. People trying to get together emphasize similarities. Finding shared qualities or outlooks correlates with the basic tenets of companionship and understanding, which is what dating or relationships are predominantly about. So emphasize similarities, but don't be too obvious about it. You should have a somewhat general idea of the guy and his personality when you go out, so try to show the aspects of yourself that share similar likes, dislikes and perspectives. If you know that the guy is interested in a certain type of music, then mention that you went to the concert of a band that he's likely to like. If he's into sports (as most guys are) mention that you used to play or that you love the Lakers or something. Throw out stats and he'll probably ask you to marry him. Don't wait for him to ask, what kind of music do you like, do you like sports, etc. Throw it out unsolicited, and if it's a hit, he'll think you're pretty awesome. Also, be observant of the things he says and does. If the guy talks about his family, he's probably family oriented so you'd be better off mentioning something about your family to show that you're also family-oriented. If the guy's got a stamp on his hand from the strip bar he went to last night, you'd probably score points by telling a dirty joke or two or hinting at things you find to be a turn-on. You've got to custom-tailor your interaction off the cues you get.

* Sports, video games and movie quotes. The way to a man's heart. Ladies, just try. Follow one sport casually, or watch Sportscenter at the gym. You just need to know a little bit to impress. Here are some current comments that should win you some points: 1. Did you see the Pro Bowl? That was insane. The score was like a college basketball game's; 2. LeBron should have at least made reserve on the All-Star team; 3. It sucks that in Grand Theft Auto Vice City, you can't bang hookers in your car; 4. Did you see the half-court game-winner that Nick Robinson made against Arizona? [note: Nick Robinson plays for Stanford]; 5. When's Halo 2 coming out? 6. Any line from The Simpsons, Half-Baked, Office Space, The Godfather trilogy or Scarface.

* Sex. Guys are intrigued by girls who hint at it, joke about it, are somewhat mysterious about it, but are not overt about it. Being overt plays to the lowest common denominator and shows low self-esteem (you have to use the easiest way to get attention). But if you have an open attitude about it and can be witty about it, that's cool.

* Mix it up. Don't feel like you have to present just one image. Show the different sides of you. Maybe this is just a gemini thing, but like Meredith Brooks says, I'm a bitch I'm a lover I'm a child I'm a mother I'm a sinner I'm a saint, blah blah blah. But don't be schizo crazy. Just don't be afraid to show different facets of yourself. I jump back and forth between sinner/saint. Not intentionally...it's just the way I am. But it works pretty well.

* Be self-assured but don't brag or name-drop. Exercise some humility. Because people who brag and name-drop are pretty much waving a huge sign around that says that they're really trying to impress people but have no confidence. They don't feel like people will like them by just getting to know them, so they have to list achievements just to let other people know that they are worthy of being admired. It's really annoying. This goes hand in hand with not talking too much about past-relationships/sexual encounters. You would think this would be obvious.

* Dumb, boring people are the ones who play it safe by not talking and playing it standoffish. You can do that if you're just looking for a hook-up, but you chance hooking up with the kind of really shallow guy who wants dumb, boring girls who have nothing to say (because these are the only kinds of girls who won't make him feel inferior). Very importantly, shallow guys tend to be bad in bed because they aren't in tune with what a partner likes but more with what they've seen in movies or what things they've had reinforced as pleasurable for a woman by girls who were faking it to be nice.

Date Ideas

* Start off the first date with something where you're interacting or sitting side-by-side. Physical closeness with low lighting does wonders for instant comfort and intimacy. Getting coffee sucks unless you need to get to know this person better, because the situation (sitting across from each other with a barrier) can make more intimate things harder to initiate later on or may require a second date. But it's fine. If you want to get more comfortable, a movie and then coffee is better, or a comedy show and then dinner. I prefer a comedy show because humor loosens people up and gives you something to talk about over dinner/coffee. I usually take dates to The Groundlings improv show.

* Competitive activities. Okay, I've been accused of using basketball as my MO but it's true. Basketball involves contact, friendly competition and sweat. And you can check out your date in shorts when he's not looking. Or feel him up when you're going for a rebound. This usually works and is a great simulation (teaser) for...other physical activities to come. And you can create little bets [ie...if I win, you buy dinner, etc] Board games are good, too, as well as go-kart racing, going to the batting cages, or tossing a baseball/frisbee around at the park.

* Just do something. The only thing I'm against is starting off a first date with dinner, coffee or some other awkward, contrived situation where you're just sitting across from each other with a table in between you and talking. This creates a higher chance of each person presenting more of a persona, and less opportunities for guards to come down and having honest, spontaneous interaction.

Above all, the most important thing is to be yourself and imperatively, to have confidence in yourself. Don't "present" because most people can tell when someone else is not presenting his/her true self and usually that's related to someone not feeling comfortable with himself or herself. What a huge turn-off. Confidence is the sexiest thing in a man or a woman-- it's the magnetic energy that draws others to him or her. People who don't have a good sense of themselves or true confidence are pretty much guaranteed to not get the quality of partner or interaction that they want. Good luck!

Intuition - The Rules

Some people have asked me about why people who are intuitive can see some things but not others. So I'm going to jot down some random things about what I've learned about intuition from my own experiences and from what I've gathered from those who are working psychics. You know I don't like to call intuition "psychic ability" because of the stigmas, but I'll refer to it as that just to make things easier.

1. Psychic ability is just another sense. It's an ability to perceive. The interpretation is up to the person perceiving. For example, 2 people can watch a car accident. Each sees the exact same event, but one person may have seen one driver on his cell phone and interpreted the accident as being that person's fault, and the other one may have missed certain details and interpreted the accident differently. Almost everyone has intuition, with the potential for it to become what is refered to as psychic ability. It's just a matter of tuning into that sense. The rest is interpretation.

2. Why can't psychics fix their own lives? Because of blindsights. Imagine you have amazing vision and can see objects hundreds of feet away while others can only see things 20 feet away. Now imagine how clearly you can see those far objects because you're focused on them. Now, imagine that an object pops up 5 feet away from you into your line of sight. You won't be able to see it very clearly because you're eyes are focused on something else. You can perceive it and try to figure out what it is based on guesses (it looks like a person, it looks like a car, etc.) but you won't be able to see it very clearly. This is what happens when someone is really in tune to that sixth sense. You can see/feel/perceive things that are hidden, but have trouble interpreting cues that should be obvious within human interaction. Futhermore, the closer someone is to you, the harder it is to see them objectively. The size of the blindsight is directly proportional to how sharpened your intuitive abilities are or to how close the person is to you. Because the closer someone is to you relationship-wise, you will psychologically begin to project hopes and fears as well as take in realistic evaluations, which is the normal process of human interaction/relating. But if you have that extra sense turned on, it confuses the situation and it's really hard to trust the information coming in, especially if the information is conflicting. For example, when it comes to relationships, I have to ask trusted third parties for "reality checks" because my radars go haywire the closer someone gets to me and it's very easy to get blindsighted. Furthermore, psychics can't see their own lives and their own problems. PEOPLE IN GENERAL have a hard time seeing their own problems because it requires a high level of objectivity. Imagine, you and I are sitting across from each other. You have something on your face and I can see it. I may have something on my face too, but I have no way of knowing unless you tell me, just as you wouldn't know unless I told you. So psychics are just people who have extra facilities for perceiving, but yet, they are bound by the same laws of perspective.

3. The Future. Okay, I was never one who predicted the future. I'm an empath and don't have enough objectivity to be a medium, so I don't trust the things I see. But to explain the nature of the "future" I want to explain that the future is not set in stone. It's about probability. If you are driving as fast as you can towards a wall, you are most likely going to crash into the wall. But there's a chance you could brake at the last second or take a sudden turn right after the point when I perceived your situation and predicted that you would probably crash into the wall. The future is a lot about free will, but if you are moving in a certain direction, then there is probably a high probability for certain specific things to happen. They say that most very successful business people measure high when tested for psychic ability. This just means that are just able to subconsciously calculate complex equations regarding probability. So, from my experience, if people push me, I can tell them what I see happening, even though I don't like to. But I also know that I'm calculating probability from a snapshot of the present--all the circumstances, factors and elements that lead to a likely conclusion. But things can change and the outcome can be different. If I read for you now and tell you about a problem, and you change something, and then I read for you 2 weeks later, I could see a different outcome. It's not because I was wrong the first time. It's because you introduced a new set of elements into the equation.

4. Accountability. This is about interpretation. Imagine that you have a problem with your girlfriend. You had a fight last night, you made up, but now she hasn't returned your call today and you don't know what's up. You ask your best male friend for his opinion. He takes the series of facts (you had a fight, she doesn't return your calls) and interprets that she's mad at you. Now you ask a good female friend who happens to be a therapist, let's say :) She says, well, it could be that your girlfriend feels bad about what happened and is taking time to think about things and come back with something that could improve the relationship. This would probably leave you to be willing to be more open-minded about your girlfriend's intentions, rather than immediately jumping to being defensive and planning an exit strategy (not for breaking up per se, but to save your pride). Both situations could be possible, and both people analyzed the same set of facts that you presented. But what both people did was internalize the facts and come back with an interpretation that reflects how they see the world. This is the challenge for those who are genuinely intuitive and work in the psychic advising field. You can take two psychics who can both perceive the same situation, or person, but depending on how they see the world, will give you advice based on that. Therefore, an empath will probably focus on emotional/psychological factors, while someone who is clairvoyant (mostly factual, concrete things...a lot of male psychics are like this) will give you the basics without looking too deeply into things (ie..."she's upset." "She needs time." "She's busy right now.") It's the dichotomy of big picture vs. sum of all details. They don't always equal the same thing when it comes to human interpretation. So a good psychic is not just one who can see, but one who can interpret the information in a way that is as accurate as possible to the objective truth, and convey it in that way. That's what makes one psychic better than another (just as what makes one therapist better than another). Step one...perceive the situation, Step Two...interpret the situation, Step Three...communicate the situation as clearly as possible. The last step would be advising, but most intuitives should stay away from that if possible because sometimes it's up to the person to put together this information and understand this part of their journey.

5. Permission. Just as with people who go under hypnosis, a hypnotist will NEVER be able to make that person do something to which they are morally or psychologically opposed. I can only speak from my own experience, but someone has to give me permission in order for me to be able to see inside of them. What I mean is that, they have to open that door. And it's not necessarily a conscious process for them. I do not have the ability to intrude and see things that they absolutely do not want me to see. For example, I once knew someone who had some deep-seated issues from his childhood. From the first day I met him, his mouth said one thing, but he opened the door and reached out psychically so that I was aware of a subtext and was able to perceive things that were hidden within him, even though his actions and words were actually going out of their way to contradict them. In essence, he gave me permission to look at what a part of him wanted me to see, and actually unconsciously opened the door and guided me there. It was like a cry for help. Even though the rest of him was quite resistant to any sort of acknowledgement of or assistance to that part of him that needed help and exposure, I wouldn't have been able to even know that it was there if he hadn't communicated to me on that level and shown it to me. I don't walk around and probe people's insides. In fact, there are a lot of people who keep their doors closed, and even those who have them open, I choose not to walk through and look. But when you look inside someone else, you are giving up quite a bit of control, and in some sense, there's no way to turn it off once that connection has been established.

If people really want to know what intimacy truly is, it's that connection. The opening of the door. Like I said, everyone is intuitive and has this ability to perceive. People who hone that ability just have more ways of applying it.

6. Interpersonal connection. Everyone connects with some people better than others. This comes into play in a psychic's ability to see into you. It's parallel to the relationship between a therapist and a client. A therapist can be an AMAZING therapist, and the client can be extremely willing to dive into his scary places, but if they can't communicate on the same frequencies or can't create a comfortable enough space for intimacy to happen, then it won't work out. Whether or not an intuitive can see into someone is not necessarily related to his/her perceptive abilities. It could be the connection, and the willingness of each person to open that door that allows for the connection, as well as ability to communicate what is said. I don't get as much information from some people as I do from others, even if the door is open.

7. The Metaphysical. We are only messengers (and part-time at that!)There are things that you aren't meant to know. I've noticed that when I'm connected, whether that is while reading for someone or with someone who comes into my life, I will have a burning message to tell them because for some reason, they're off their path and they have knowledge/a lesson that they need communicated to them. These things come in the strongest. Sometimes the information comes in very specific. Sometimes it's very vague. When it's vague, it's because the person has to go on his own journey to figure something out, and the message is only the ignition. They'll understand the message when they find it. I've noticed that there are times when information has to come in wrong in order for the person to do what's right. For example, it'll be something like telling someone that something is good for them, when in truth, they have to learn how to trust their own intuition and break away. Because for some reason, if I told them that this person is not good for them, it reaffirms their intuition which they don't trust and they end up fighting it even harder and refusing to do what they need to do. To be honest, I can't tell the difference. I just give them the message that I'm supposed to give them, and even if later on, I get more information and I see that it was the opposite of something, it usually all makes sense in the long run and is actually beneficial towards what that person needs to do to get on his life path. So, don't measure messages by their accuracy. Measure them by whether they helped you find your way back towards your path and doing what's best for yourself at the deepest level.