I think the biggest rush from relationships comes with getting to reinvent yourself. When you meet someone new, you can present a side of yourself or even put together a collage that is completely new, and present that as who you are. This person takes it at face value and in a way, you can be the person that you've always wanted to be. But the trick comes when the relationship deepens. Has the person you have assumed become hard to maintain the deeper the other person gets to know you? Can you become so much of this assumed person that the deepest part the other person will examine will also match what is being shown from the outside? This is where fear of intimacy (exposure) comes from. The fear that the person you've presented as your true self to another person will be discovered as not being true but as hiding something much more flawed. You become not only exposed as someone disappointing to others, but as someone who lies and can not be trusted, which is also disappointing to others. I also believe there is the fear of pity in there, that others will feel pity for you because you felt the need to present something bigger/better than who you really are. The fear of commitment comes after the fear of intimacy is conquered. At some point, the other person stops digging and assumes that what he/she has been presented is exactly what you are. While there is relief at this point, fear of commitment soon sets in. Can I maintain myself as this person forever? What if that means this is the person I have to be, with all these assumed ideas and thoughts and behaviors and desires, for the rest of my life? What if all the flaws that I have presented within this assumed identity are the ones that people who know me at this state/as this person will presume I have? So you know that if you didn't have to see this person (who has become a Constant--an outside conscious force that causes one to maintain a consistent image), you could reinvent yourself. Thus, the need to break off relationships and establish fresh ones. Those who tend to shy away from mass society and are labeled "introverts" tend to illustrate fear of commitment and intimacy across the boards in regard to relationships. For whatever reasons, they feel that they are so flawed inside, that they must reinvent themselves in order to assimilate without being humiliated. The motivation for reinvention is--once a person makes a mistake in human interaction, he retreats into his corner and analyzes why there was a mistake made. He will analyze which characteristics he must incorporate into his presentation of himself and his projected identity. Then, he will seek out new people with whom to relate, and show this reinvented self. This person will be able to interact smashingly with others, and perhaps be very charming, until there is another hitch in human interaction and this person fears that he will be perceived is flawed and a fraud (fear of intimacy/commitment). This person will again retreat, analyze what characteristics need to be eliminated or added, and again, find new people with whom to relate and present with his "new and improved" self. This is the cycle of the neurotic. He is afraid of Constants which would cause him to remain in a world that could hold a negative view of him without having any way to separate that perceived image with who he is inside (or can be). There are many levels of issues that deserve attention when dealing with the neurotic mind. First, this person needs to understanding that those who find flaws within him do not expect those flaws to also become constants. There seems to be a lack of trust between this person and the outside world. This person fears judgment and that, once branded with a negative character type, he will be condemned to it forever without a chance to prove himself to be different or better. This seems to also point to the presence of overly-critical adult figures or environments in the developmental years alternating with minimal or non-existent positive feedback. Possibly, the child only received attention for doing things wrong. Secondly, sure it's fun to continually reinvent yourself to new people, but at some point, you'd better settle on a connection that is most reflective of your inner self, rather than getting stuck in one in which you must maintain a presentation that is unlike yourself. That is the basis of why people become unhappy in marriages. Because they're passive-aggressive and have repressed feelings of trappedness over getting stuck being someone they no longer want to be because this other person expects them to be a certain person and they have to present that person consistently; they will often blame the other person rather than themselves for their predicament.


The neurotic mind is also afraid of Non-Constants--people who do not cause a person to maintain a constant image. These are people that this person does not see on a very regular basis (regular being defined as a time span within which he believes no changes within his projections will be perceived). This person is afraid that if he has changed negatively (physically, psychologically, idealistically) this other person (Non-Constant) would be able to see it immediately because she has had more distance for objectivity, and will register disappointment or another negative perception. So once this person breaks away from someone as a Constant, he is then fearful of this person when she turns into a Non-Constant.

Where there is cheese there are rats,
Where there are rats there are cats,
Where ever there are cats there are dogs.
If you got the dogs you got bitches.
Bitches Always out to put their paws on your riches.
If you got riches,you got glitches.
If you got glitches in your life computer turn it off and then reboota.
Now you back on.
Can't just put the cap on the old bottle once you pop it that will spoil it, gone and drink it and enjoy it.
Mama i'ma Millionaire.


sing it, andre!

Is it weird for two people to date, then break up, and then each date people with the exact same birthday...including the same year? It's a little freaky, isn't it?

Shout out to my girl, Muskrat, for turning 25 today. I remember her back when...nearly hitting me in the head with a 70 mph fastball and breaking up fights at slumber parties. And let's not forget showering as our bulldyke coach watched. Mmmmm...those sweet, sweet, high school days....

Hilarious!! (check out the other toons on the site, too...)

http://www.illwillpress.com/rant.html

Today, I am home sick. This is only the 2nd day of work that I've ever missed in my life. The first was because I had slivers of glass in my feet. You can imagine the anxiety.

Power plays at work have got me sick. Night-time sneezing, coughing, aching...blech. But maybe cold medicine is God's way of saying, Hon...you need to be in rehab, but I won't make you do it cold turkey." Something I learned today: Pork rinds smell really bad.

I've decided that people with an artistic bent date narcissistic assholes just so they can be so tormented by the relationship, that they write passionate, obsessive, creepy songs analyzing why narcissistic assholes don't love them. And then those songs become hits because all those people who feel so empty from an excess of self-loathing that they need to date narcissistic assholes to have a tangible reason for their emotional suffering, embrace these songs about narcissistic assholes so that they can feel that their disgusting cycle is acceptable because other people are dating narcissistic assholes too and obviously it's beautiful because their songs of torment are played every hour on the Top 40 stations and teenage girls across the country who don't even know what love is are calling up the Ryan Seacrests and Carson Daly's, requesting these songs to be played as often as possible until they all spin into one collective, amorphous sentimental black hole that is the cause of what the media refers to as the American Teen Obesity Due To Poor Self Image and Low Self Esteem problem... Let's get it straight, all you Dildos and Rob Thomas's and Stephen Jenkins of the world...what do you think would happen if we told these narcissistic assholes to go to hell? Perhaps we would be in functional relationships and there would be no more music left to write, and no more laying in bed, moaning in self-despair, clutching tear-soaked journals of bad poetry and asking why why why Dumbass McLoser doesn't love you. It's cuz he's a dumbass and has a small penis and is upset that you didn't comment on how big it is the first time you saw it and so, technically, it's really all your fault that the relationship didn't work out and *sniffle* how could you do this to him and *choke* he's just so lonely and *sob* maybe he'll never find someone who will really love him and ...how come you haven't said anything good my hair today?? Honestly, people, who hasn't looked back and been morbidly embarrassed for dating one of these children? Don't feed these jerks. They're like the chimps at the zoo. They'll just throw feces at you and eeeeehheeeheee!around with their fellow primates while touching themselves in public. Order a mail order bride or groom. Trust me...they'll be too afraid of losing their green card to treat you badly. Works for Tom Cruise.

On the other hand, I listen to Love Songs on the Coast all the time.

Today's mood: Lobotomized with images of Pong dancing in my head. mmmmmm....sweet, sweet, Pong...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Okay, so my good friend's last name is Cox. I was talking to his girlfriend and we were talking about good baby names, and I told her she should call their first born son, Thunder. Thunder Cox. Thuuuuunder Cox!!!! Who's gonna mess with THAT kid? Anyway, so my friend's best friend's last name is Bal (yes, Cox and Bal. They are currently collaborating on a scientific theory just to get it published as the Cox and Bal theory). So I was telling them that I hope he marries a nice Japanese woman and they name their first born Yuni. Thunder Cox and Yuni Bal. hehehehe Yes, I laugh at fart jokes, too.

A friend of mine is writing a creative piece on what would happen if you were able to know every person who has ever had a crush on you. I'm reluctant to write more about it as I don't want anyone out there ripping off her idea in any way and having her not be able to be my Suga Ma'am if she sells it one day. Anyhoo (don't you hate people who say "anyhoo?" they're the same kind of people who wear light-colored J Crew mock turtlenecks into cool bars and order chardonnays)...so as a little exercise in humility (or lack of sense...take your pick) and to fulfill a challenge, I will list my crushes for the world to see, in hopes of inspiring all those around the world to do the same, so that we can break down these walls of silence and hate and prejudice and bad Saturday night television programming to join hands in making this the LoveFest that our brethren in the Cult of Jesus Bob and Mary intended (yes, Bob was his real father. Immaculate my ass). May I also mention that I am drunk off of Captains n' Coke and life, and have to sober up enough to return to the party? Perhaps it's worth a tiny mention. Some names are not completed because I still know them, and want to be able to face them tomorrow morning.

Rollin (6 years old) - Probably my first love. He was my best friend at the Challenger School for the Gifted and Talented and taught me long division with fraction remainders at the age of 6. And we loved to play Doctor...I stomped on the bees and brought them to him half dead and he was supposed to bring them back to life, but after a whole afternoon of this, he got really frustrated because they kept dying. And now he's a doctor (I give my sadistic self all the credit). God, I hated him and talked so much shit about him to my mom. But that's because I didn't know what love was. Until Foreigner showed me.

Linus (7 years old) - remember the Pants Down Game? I know you do. Because when you moved to the town that I had moved to and we met up again 8 years later, you asked me if I remembered that game and I pretty much mumbled and shifted my eyes for a few minutes to avoid answering. Plus, your girlfriend had a death wish against me.

Josh (4th grade) - He flipped me off when he found out I liked him. Yeah. But I'm not the one who hid behind the equipment room picking my nose.

Michael Cloud (6th grade) - Yeah, he was right. I did cheat off of him on that one math brainbuster. But damn, he was smart. And that's hot.

Philip (7th grade) - he turned out to be a total dick. And then dated a fat chick.

Justin (7th grade) - he was my friend and I really liked him. One night, our softball team had a slumber party and called him up and told him that I liked him. They put me on the phone and he asked, "Is that true?" I think I hung up on him.

Nate (8th grade) - Naaaate. I dug his t-shirt about not farting and sneezing at the same time. He was cool. Just saw a recent photo of him and he's still damn cute.

Erik (8th grade) - I think our whole softball team had a crush on him. And then I saw him years later after he went off to college and turned out gorgeous. I went back and told everyone that he looked like a freakin' Swedish God. He was one of the nicest people that I'd ever met, too.

Corey (9th grade) - I had a HUGE crush on him. For two years. Bad hair, pegged his jeans, but still. Walked by him every day between second and third period and never said anything. But then one day, he smiled and it was beautiful. So I told my friend who was friends with him and she told him that I liked him and he told her to have me call him (yes, it IS that complicated). So I did and I was scared shitless and talked to him for a few minutes. At the end of the call, he was kind about it and said, "Hey, you don't have to be so nervous." That was nice. But I was too scared to call again and never looked him in the eye again, mostly running away if I passed him in the halls. Yes, that's my way. I was the master seductress.

Chris (10th grade) - baseball player, wore a baseball cap EVERY DAY. Really cute. He's married now.

Kent (10th grade) - HOT ass legs. Played basketball at the gym with him every day the summer I turned 16. He was a few years older than me but really cool. We met up once in Thailand a few years later and he told me that he always wondered if I had a crush on his friend who also played basketball with us. I never told him how I felt about him. We kept in touch for years and were even living in LA at the same time after I graduated from college, but by then, he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend. I think he's married now; he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met.

Francis (11th grade) - DJ at a dance club. Awesome legs. Kickass style. Yeah, I have a thing for legs.

Joe (12th grade) - a pretentious asshole who treats people who treat him well very badly. I wrote him a detailed letter telling him how badly he treats people and he called and talked to me about how the letter opened his eyes and made him realize the changes he wanted to make in his life. And then he went off to college, became some kind of activist, decided that his family was too bourgeoise for him since he grew up in the "ghettos of Redwood City," and dropped out of college. To this day, I hear he's still a self-absorbed, self-important asshole.

Simar (12th grade) - not sure if he ever knew. I think every one of my friends has had a thing for him at some point. We're good friends now.

Gabe (college) - he said the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me: "I'm your monkey. If you want coconuts, I'll climb up that tree and get you coconuts. Cuz I'm your monkey."

Gordon (college) - creative and comic genius. I think everyone knew about this one!

Brian (college) - Maryland Brian. The crush of my life. The guy I broke my own heart over. Cisco...the newspaper...finding out that I lived across the street from him and could see into his living room...saying hi to him from my window as he walked to class...this guy taught me a lot about integrity, leadership and forgiveness...6'5 with beautiful brown eyes and the kindest smile...he believed in me...the bitch letter that nearly ruined it...Grosse Point Blank...pictured in the paper with my handcuffs...the aphrodisiac article...green M&M cookies...I was in love with you but was too scared to admit it...sorry that I asked you out and then never brought it up again and then acted like a jerk for the rest of the semester...took years to get over you when it was my fault...I still think about you when I hear Mighty Mighty Bosstones on the radio... never told you how much I appreciated everything you taught me and how you made me a better person. Another one who is married now, and I'm happy for him. This man is an incredible person and I wish him the very best in life.

Ian (college) - well, you kind of looked like Brian. And your mom worked with him after he moved back to Maryland. That was weird.

Michael (college) - no comment. SERIOUSLY. no comment

Dan (college) - who didn't? This is the guy that sex fantasies are made for.

Jason (college) - this kid could be the meanest guy, but then he'd turn around and do something really nice and throw you off guard. He seemed to like to spend time with me, but would always try to make a point of showing that he didn't really LIKE to spend time with me, which just made the opposite more obvious and frustrating. I always felt like someone must have really hurt him. We were friends but had a falling out, but I still like to get news every once in a while about how he's doing.

Fred (college) - Yeeeeeeah FRED!! Fellow Gemini. We're still in touch. He was the cutest guy in my film production class my senior year and I told my best friend so, not knowing that he was in the next room and could hear us. I guess he had a girlfriend but that whole deal was really funny. He's a creative genius, though sometimes a little scary with the sex jokes. I'm kicking his fantasy basketball team's ass right now. Fred...move out to LA! You need to unleash your mad sense of humor on this inane industry.

Carl (college) - I think every girl in the film program had a thing for this guy. We went out and then he told me he had a girlfriend. And then he invited me to his place for a "platonic" hanging-of-out and made a point of showing me his bed, then put on a foreign film, showed me the tattoo that canvassed his back and tried to feed me the "Nice shoes" line (for those who don't know, the next half of that line is..."wanna fuck?"). Yeah, I left because I wasn't interested. Don't like cheaters who use bad lines and are terrified of their girlfriends.

Andrew ('00) - I seemed to always insult him without meaning to. I tried to compliment him by telling him that he looked like Marlon Brando, but I meant Brando when he was young and he got mad cuz he thought I was calling him fat. Then another day, he was wearing a light blue button-down and I told him that I liked his shirt. Then I realized that my boss (a woman) was also wearing a blue button-down with khakis and blurted out, "I think Melissa's wearing the same outfit." He said, "You mean they make this for men?" That was a funny comeback but I feel bad about that comment to this day. I really didn't mean to insult him; it just always seemed to come out that way.

John ('01) - Vegas John. Wow, our signals got crossed so badly the first time we met, that I came back a few months later to set it straight. You were a total sweetheart and so damn cute; we were supposed to go out, but I got so worked up about it that I misunderstood your emails and stood you up accidentally...twice. Don't blame you if you were mad. Glad you got out of Vegas. Like I said, I still remember your birthday...June 27th.

Zach ('01) - what a waste of time. Kid doesn't know who he is but he bleeds everyone around him because he can't stand up on his own legs. And he lies to himself and to the people around him. I've got no respect for him. He's just a boy who's not good enough to be my friend. You can't pretend to eat if there's still shit on the table, man...

There. I listed them. Now give me my money.

A happy (belated) birthing to my new cousin, Edison Zhang, born on January 5th! The kid is cute despite the unfortunate name. I wish him the best of luck in life and love and happiness and growing up and all that good stuff, and hope that in 17 11/12th years, he'll have some cute friends that I can hit on as I drive by in my minivan on my way to dropping off the kids at soccer and band practice.

Something amazing that someone whom I've never even met wrote about my little brother:

(From: http://www.jessieday.com/unplugged/ )

Thursday, January 15, 2004


when you're not sure what to do, remember this:

W.W.M.D?

(what would michael do?)

i don't know michael, i've just heard wonderful stories about him. he looks at life in such a different way than we do and that gives him an amazing ability to simplify and solve problems.

p.s. i wonder what michael would tell me to do about bob? today i got so annoyed with bob and his smelly spaghetti lunch that i pounded his cube wall when i passed by. my guess is michael probably wouldn't have done that.


posted by Jessie Day on 1/15/2004 02:14:09 PM


Thanks, Jessie! I forwarded this to my parents and it made the day for all of us!

Creepy thing today...I went to the doctor's during my lunch break and was talking to her about something and had a sudden spontaneous compulsion. So in mid-thought, I blurted out, "by the way, happy birthday." She was kind of surprised and was like, "Uh...well...thanks." And then went, "How did you know?" And I realized that I had no idea. I asked her, "Is today really your birthday?" And she said, "Yes." That was crazy. Sometimes I have Tourette's and sometimes I'm psychic. I have no control over the things that come out of my mouth.

On a different note, last night I had a dream in which I decided to venture back into acting class, after nearly having a nervous breakdown the first time around due to hyper self-consciousness. So I was feeling safer about it this time, and it helped that Robert was in the same class. It was in an auditorium and I remember thinking, this is a HUGE class for an acting class. Then, right before we started John Stamos stood up (apparently he was in the class too because obviously, he still needs lessons) and holds a big bag of weed above his head and says, "I'm going to the bathroom to get high. Anyone else?" And half the room starts filtering for the door. I, of course, did no such thing. Because I will get high with the bum who lives behind the Coffee Bean on the corner of Beverly Glen and Santa Monica Blvd, but I will NOT getting high with John Stamos. I would like to think that I have some sort of limits.

A Fat Camp Ad

http://www.stud.ntnu.no/home/alexann/

Open Letter to MC Hammer:

Hey man, I know you were mad at me when I didn't give you a tip today. But like I told you after you got done washing my windshield, 1. You left it all streaky; 2. You didn't finish before the light turned green like you said you would; and 3. You were all twitchy and shit and it kind of freaked me out.

My chiropractor touches me.

Okay, so Hot Big Black Guy* called and I can't decide if I should call him back.

*name withheld because if I start naming boys, I'm start thinking about them as people and pretty soon they're gonna be walking around like they own me, pissing in the corners of my house and wanting to talk about feelings and the future and sales at Pottery Barn and shit.

I mean, the guy threatened to bitch out a waitress and was spearing food off my plate on our first date. On the other hand, he's pretty freakin' hot. Hmmm...this decision really shouldn't be this hard... (it's not)

On the other hand, Brian's New Year's resolution of becoming an alcoholic is working out. He came home after 4 drinks at Robert's bar last night and teetered around for a bit. I felt like lighting a match would have set off our place ala Backdraft. It's actually quite comforting. With me aiming to be a shallow drug addict in 2004 and Brian aiming to be a self-centered alkie, I think in 2005, we can safely transition into crack whores. Blaxploitation crack whores. Who love their mamas.

Here's a story about the honor killings in India which are on the rise:

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/oneworld/20040112/wl_oneworld/4591765421073907305

Some sick shit.

Today's mood: Comically bloated

Why do we talk so much shit about the ones we love? There's a direct correlation between the amount of love you feel for someone and the amount of shit you talk about him or her (with probably an inverse proportionality between these and the amount of personal/emotional maturity the individual possesses thrown in to complete the equation). It's the sign of a dysfunctional mind--it's easier for this person to talk shit about someone behind his back, than to turn around and show him how much this person cares. And when I say this person, I am talking about myself. Yes, mom, I talk a lot of shit about you. But that's because I love you.

On a different note...WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

If insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, then why the hell bother getting up every morning expecting/hoping that life gets better? Why not just be content with what you have and just let the good things that come unexpectedly be frosting on the cake? Things I am thankful for:

1. My brother and everything I learn from him about love and trust
2. My family
3. My friends
4. Being fucking hot
5. Being fucking smart
6. Being fucking arrogant
7. Knowing a little bit about everything and everything about nothing
8. That no matter how many times I've been kicked down, life helps me stand back up and grow
9. That I count my blessings and try to see the beauty in everything.
10. Having the clarity to understand and to have faith in my Journey.

My 2004 resolutions:

1. Finish Bleeding Blue (my book of poetry)
2. Finish my horror film
3. Make out with a Taurus, Sagittarius, Virgo and Pisces to complete my tour of the zodiac.
4. Be well on my way to my 2005 goal of being a millionaire by the time I'm 27
5. To say what I think and think what I feel
6. To not take bullshit from people
7. To not give people the benefit of the doubt who don't deserve it.
8. To never stop loving and raising my awareness and spiritual vibration.
9. To be happy.
10. To not feel guilty when I am content and others are not.

Hope everyone has a wonderful, prosperous and elevating 2004!

February 1999
EMPATHY
By Jeffrey Lance, Ph.D.
What does it feel like to be misunderstood when you are upset? What is it like when you are trying to explain your feelings to your spouse etc., and they interrupt or become defensive and really don’t hear what you are saying? All of us can relate to experiences like these and the feeling of frustration, anger, and aloneness we may feel in these situations.

After many years of doing marital and couples therapy, it has become clear to me that couples and individuals have great difficulty with listening deeply or understanding the inner emotional world of their partner or spouse. This lack of empathy and listening skills often leads couples to feel uncared for and unloved, leading to bickering, arguing, withdrawing, and escalating into feeling detached and distant from each other. This in turn makes it very difficult to problem solve and come to loving compromises with each other because of the animosity that is engendered. This leads to much unnecessary suffering in our relationships.

But why do we find it so hard to listen and empathize with each other’s experience? Largely this is due to the way in which we were responded to by our caregivers in the early developmental years of our lives, and to the modeling they showed in their relationships to each other, and the empathy they showed toward each other’s feelings and needs.

We were all born into the world a bundle of needs. If these needs were adequately met, in a loving way, positive emotional states, and feelings about ourselves and the world became part of our inner world. When our needs weren’t met adequately, we expressed our concern and distress by expressing our feelings about this. Our parents empathic attunement to our clues of distress, and their appropriate and timely response, nurtured and comforted our distress, due to their ability to feel for us (empathy).

Unfortunately, for many of us, our parents didn’t respond empathically, appropriately or timely to our distress due to their own blocked pain, feelings and needs. They themselves were defensive or oblivious to our pain and needs, and responded with anger, rejection, withdrawal, or not at all. This left us in a state of unbearable distress and psychic pain. In response to this pain we began to numb out and repress and deny our own awareness of our feelings and needs, since their was no enlightened witness to help us work through these painful and frightening experiences.

From these experiences we lose touch with our own needs and feelings, and the ability for our own empathy is severely affected. Late in life we find ourselves unconsciously searching for a loving and empathic partner, but tend to unconsciously pick someone who reminds us of the caregivers from whom we didn’t receive what we emotionally needed. We will then struggle with this person to get them to be for us the way we wish our caregivers had been originally. To be empathic and responsive to our needs and feelings, and listen empathically to our inner world. However, Our spouse and partner are unconsciously numbed and shut down from their own inner experience, and the defenses they build to survive emotionally early in their life now interfere with their ability to be empathically attuned to themselves and to us. In this way the pattern of empathic failure reoccurs in one generation after the other.

To free ourselves from this empathic numbness, we must first free ourselves from our own repression, and numbing to our own deepest feelings and needs, that have been blocked and defended against since our own early years. Only by finding in ourselves, and feeling empathy and compassion for our own numbed and hurting self, can we open to a deeper empathy and perception of the cues of our own children’s needs and feelings, as well as those of our partners and spouses. In this way we can break the isolation, numbing, and empathic failure of generations, and give our children, and each other, an emotional treasure that cannot be taken away.

As Alice Miller has so eloquently stated:

Experience has taught us that we have only one
enduring weapon in our struggle against mental
illness: the emotional discovery of the truth about
the unique history of our childhood.

Quoted from: The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self.

Dr. Lance is a psychotherapist in practice in Glendale. He is a member of the Independent Psychotherapy Network.

There are times when you can sit around and wait for something that you really want and muster all the patience and discipline in the world, but what you don't really acknowledge, is that you actually gave up on it a long time ago but are just going through the motions so as to not have to deal with the ramifications of having moved on.

"We're cutting it pretty close, aren't we?"

The days just get easier and easier.