aspiration


what?

nothing.

no really, what'd you say?

nothing.

sorry.

i experience the range of human emotions through faces
i enter your life through your eyes and your words.

it depends on how you feel having a stranger crawl through your house. most people don't.

i am careful not to be followed home.

most people aren't.

how do we count our memories? in their value remembered? or their value forgotten?

it's the idea of solitude that always got me

but i was always waiting for someone.

amsterdam

city of light
city of darkness
flimsy to the seasons
whimsical to murk

these days, i only tell the people closest to me that i'm happy.

every piece of his past i learn is like ripping open a scar, reopening old wounds, and leaving them open to heal or consume me. they are his past yet i feel them as old injuries, as though my heart was always aware of everything throughout time, but i need to hear him tell me himself so i can convince the part of me that doesn't want to believe it's true. you see it all as a betrayal, no matter how unfair it is, and at the end of the day it's whether you can be with someone who lives up to any of your ideals.

i suspect that when the questions end, we'll finally begin.

musical identity. highs and lows the sum of individual notes. i like to trick you, where the bigger picture doesn't seem to be made up of the notes. and you have to decide, which do you believe.

it's easy. i can be anything you want me to be. if i let you. and secretly, i usually do.

the biggest risk is that i disappear.

there's a secret to that as well. the secret balance where i forget i can.

disappear. i was going to disappear today. but i didn't. i like to talk while i drive. you'd be surprised by how many things i can do without really paying attention. or maybe you wouldn't be. but if i'm asked for it with absolute honesty, there are things i give absolute attention.

call people up, grab them by the heart through the phone. words energies spaceless bodiless you bring their worlds inside you and you have the chance to understand. give them something, some light. accept when they give you light.

little boys who brood in the dark.

you all know who you are.

you're like eyes of wolves pearing out from the edge of the woods. i see you.

i could be the best friend you ever had if you stand up and realize how to hug me. sometimes it's the right things touching at the right moments. learn how to let go. make a decision to grow up.

then you can find out if what you saw was illusion or real.

everyone. within a moment. will think the same thought.

everyone, within a moment, will have their hearts seize up and feel the same emotion.

everyone, within a moment, will open their eyes and in an instant realize the truth of it.

it's the ones who stay awake long enough to remember that moment who bear the secrets of the world.

my world is my primal companion. a kinship between a predator and a child left in the woods. i know it will never bite me as long as i believe it will never bite me. i've accepted it by giving in to it so in essence, i've crossed a barrier into the eyes of something completely primal.

a man and his meat. you don't get between a man and his meat.

men don't understand the meaning of everything. i think they do, but they're afraid to.

i can go wherever i want.

don't come at me the right way, i'll bite you.

but outside of that, i'm highly trained.

i am 2 side today. 8 was a strong number. at times i had both side 1 and 2 using the same voice. today i was not paying full attention. today was a day where i was floating.

36 is my favorite here. 29 is my favorite there even though i always felt warmly towards 36 when i caught it. 63 is not the same thing as 36. it's gotta be 36.

08-...-2008 22:02:28

it was important.

today i used a power saw. without safety goggles. cutting glass.

tomorrow i will be social and try not to be too weird. keep my honesty at bay. tell enough jokes so that people don't notice. make food.

i'm relieved my little mormon is still here. i wish his people were kinder to everyone.

sleep. i should sleep right now. but i don't want to miss out on the good stuff.

two worlds rotating in opposite directions

he would be better at it than me.

trust. i really don't trust you until you answer all my questions.

there are always things in there that you don't want to find. i don't really want to find them either. but the problem is, these questions. they show up like packages on my doorstep that can't be ignored.

darkness or light. darkness or light.

you can have either. but keep toying with me and you're just going to get more than you can handle.

need someone higher than me to help me get perspective. that's the real way to support me. not by bullying me when i'm trying to boost you up.

life could go either way.

i'm let down by the way people always make promises like dangling carrots. i'm a horse. i'll always be seduced by carrots. sometimes it's not fair that they keep me running this way. one day i'm just going to sit down and say fuck it. and when they ask me what's wrong, i'm gonna say, i'm a fucking horse. i don't need your fucking carrot. i can eat some damn grass if i want to. and i won't even bother to watch them walk away.

david
my sole masterpiece
carving into stone to set the angel free
chips cutting into steady hands and making them bleed
but no other choice but to live
frenzy and need
to rescue the buried
and a shattering silent cry for a heart that arrived before its time
finally found
clinging to its other within rock
above me, the goddess laughs
a single light burning through black
while stones and hands and hammers below
dream of angels.

pick and choose your battles. pick and choose your battles.

if you really wanted me to be really honest, i'll tell you everything but you have to be willing to hear me first, not attack everything that comes out of my mouth at first sign of skin.

maybe i say too much when i'm honest. i'm known for my honesty sometimes for my brutality with it.

i wish i could have been there for him with my arms.

fear is such a disease. you can conquer it to the edges of you, just feeling it as a pressure on your heart, but you have to always focus on remaining relaxed and clear and stronger than fear so it doesn't pull you into it's circle of rage, passing back and forth between people.

3 night...7 hours of sleep. can't eat. head clear. constantly touched by people. heart full.

you wouldn't believe how much i love him. it's like my dedication to him forces me to travel deep inside myself and accept the parts of myself that are so difficult for me to love, just so i can give him as much of everything as i can rip from walls with bare hands. if i were honest and not so tired from awareness, tired from wrestling with him, i would tell him...stop worrying. i would want him to believe in himself. i would want him to stop being afraid of me. i would want him to take care of me. i would want him to feel confident that he could take care of me. i would want him to know that with someone who is really willing to come with me, i will light the way. as long as he can protect my body from darkness.

sometimes it's like the sheer power to believe isn't enough to make people trust. why do we walk wounded. some of us aren't even wounded. sometimes i feel like life tried to blind me, and all of a sudden, i found i could see a side of things not everyone can see. no sleep no food no mind. just present perceiving and a feeling of being in the world and being without. i haven't even looked at my cards yet. i wonder if the will speak to me.

i always slap people. energetically. not enough to really hurt anyone but just a warning that i'm joking but i'm serious. sometimes i'm really angry, and whenever i'm angry, i want people to stand up. i want them to be bigger than this. which loved one hasn't been cussed at by me? i laugh when you call me abusive. if you only knew how wide my heart was for your happiness.

we fight. it directly correlates to fucking. one energizes the other. one can't live without the other. every day you need one or the other. we make positive choices. some days it feels we will spontaneously combust. if it could happen we would probably look forward to it because it would bring us closer together.

i talk to him the way i talk to myself. for better or for worse. sometimes i just want to unleash my straightforwardness on him. my honesty. show him everything. but i'm pretty sure he doesn't really want to see yet, hence the resistance, so i am patient. i don't think it will happen until he can actually hear me. one day, he'll just get it, who the hell i am. then i'll start using less words and more meaning. try not to run straight at crabs. it kind of tweaks them. can't really hug them either, until you transform the crab into a man.

learn what truth is for me. you really want to know, you peel off every layer of something (with every layer having its own truth) until you finally get its core truth, its being. you have to be persistent, because if you don't ask for it, you won't get through the layers. people hate answering the same question over and over. they don't understand that if they actually heard the question and considered the answer honestly, they would be able to give an answer that would satisfy the question.

today was a good day. yesterday was a good day. everyone is happy around me. i'm so confused by the weather and the way the air feels. i'm actually motivated to go to the beach.

ah, beach. venice. social experiments. truth.

yes. tomorrow i'm going to disappear.

once you find another person who can really hear you, who can really understand you and believe in you, who can really be inside you, then within those airwaves, you've found your personal jesus.

no i'm not going to switch my mind to your time zone. you're fucked la. this time i can really see you guys and i'm going to tell it like it is.

speaking of.

cosmic stalkers. took him 10 years.

email to friend i haven't spoke to in a long time:

So I've been living in Europe the last 3 months. Today was my first day back in LA, landed this morning, my head a continent away. In between the Prop8 protest and SWAT response happening at the end of my street and a wild Madonna concert which was the happiest (gayest) mass event in recent memory, I walk into my favorite writing spot, my home away from home, my haven, the place where the different storylines of my life collide, and there sits ... .......

what?

tonight i am free. home. can feel my feet again for the first time in 3 months.

me. completely. me in secrecy. the truth of me.

finally. to wear my own skin again.

find things i've lost in the ocean. proof of god. proof there is someone out there who listens, who sees. this is important to me.

honesty. only when i believe in something will i make the effort to show myself.

yes, i am stronger than i'm willing to lead people to believe. it's just none of most people's business what i can do.

secretly, i'm still on amsterdam time. it's how i'm able to see you people so clearly today.

now you know it in reverse:

to get more space, add time.

i am 64% shadow. i am 36% light.

light is more powerful but harder to maintain.

when i choke the shadow and it bleeds, i get music.

within the whirlwind, remember me. if you forget, i forget.

i only look in eyes.

relationships aren't about validation.

it's about the raw, vulnerable, human need to really know someone and be known.

ghosts haunt huts where the dirt floor soaks up spilt blood hungrily, never leaving a trace other than a damp stain that could mean anything.

sometimes people are born in homes turned inside out, where the cold resides within still chambers where the heater roars on.

i knew a woman once who killed herself because she couldn't find her keys one morning and that had been the breaking point. it was on a dark corner where the alleyway met the streetlight, air so cold your breath materializes before it realizes its no longer connected to your body, dead before it hits the ground. she was going in the direction i came, i was going forward, searching for the name of something i'd already found. i saw her sad, inward eyes and recognized her because i'd met her once before, before she ever tried to unlock that secret room, before she knew there was nothing in it. ignorance is always the universe's gift to the innocent. are you alive, i asked her, because something about the moment wasn't right. are you alive, she asked, and dismissed me, walking into the shadows behind me, her black coat flapping unbuttoned despite the cold. i felt snubbed.

it made me more rawly aware of how utterly alone i was on a strange sidewalk in a strange, lost city.

i dreamed of her once. in the dream, she seemed as real as she did to me that night, as real as she had been in the daylight as a flesh and blood person. she found me at the edge of a canal, watching the ducks swim jagged paths in the murky water, almost restless with their need to escape the very being of who they were. she sat next to me and for a second, i thought she was my best friend, though once i realized my mistake, the feeling of familiarity did not dissipate. she was wearing a red sweater with a single, round felt covered button at the neck. it seemed to diminish her so she seemed so much smaller, so much farther way than she actually was.

you should know you're being followed, she said. i'm sorry no one has ever told you that.

she stood up and left. i noticed her feet looked too small for her body. i may or may not have said goodbye, but i watched the ducks for a while, until one of them plunged under water and despite my anxious attention, never resurfaced.

time is turning in on itself. if you need more time, add distance.

mom and michael coming on sat. the four of us are going to paris next week. i'm excited. can't wait to see the dali museum.

wow. it's like that now, huh?

when people show you who they really are, believe them...the first time.

sadly, a quote from oprah.

proudly, i've taken it to heart.

i'm watching the smurfs in dutch. not exactly the ideal cure for a broken heart, but i'll take it. beggars can't be choosers.

at the end of the day, i remember that people love me and they respect me and want the best for me. there is a positive world that awaits me, because in turn, i focus on the positive and put my faith that if good people are what i'm looking for, good people are the ones who will surround me. that even in a situation that tears me down, i will not lose myself, i will not lose sight of who i am and what i deserve. i also know that i will not allow myself to put up with a situation that is destructive and has no desire to change. nothing is ever 100% good or 100% bad, but if it's not organically moving towards the positive, then what good is it? i had beautiful moments, which makes it harder to know that for whatever reason, it just wasn't enough. that wanting things to work out and trying my best just wasn't enough. ah, that's the part that really breaks my heart.

i know that no matter what, i tried with the best of efforts and intentions, even if others want to take me for granted and tell me it's not enough. the basic thing is if someone doesn't respect the value of what i give, then i'll find myself people who do and will reciprocate in kind. people who build bridges instead of telling you you can have everything...just don't make any demands on them. at the end of the day, i can give positively but i can not force another person to do anything even if it is for their own benefit. i know that i am a good person, will always be a good person, and will always have love and positive regard to give to those who truly want it and appreciate it, and are willing to create positive situations in which these things can be exchanged and magnified.

i have no regrets no matter how much things will hurt until they stop. inside every part of me, i know i tried and i gave everything. it doesn't matter what others think. i know that and i have peace.

i am comfortable in knowing that even when there is disappointment or heartache, i will be with the person who deserves me, because i know without question it is what i deserve. pain is superficial. time heals all wounds. but letting yourself down when you know you deserve more...that is unacceptable.

sometimes i feel like i'm getting smaller and smaller and one day, i'll just simply lose my voice and disappear.

the frustration has been quietly building but i can't talk about it because otherwise it will rock the boat. i have to remain calm and make sure everything that is said is for the benefit of the both of us and the relationship. i am getting smaller and smaller and yesterday, i literally lost my voice. i often see outward symptoms as clear reflections of what's going on inwardly.

i suspect i'm quietly drowning in my own words falling on deaf ears.