and babe, i'm just like the best thing, that could happen, happen to someone...

-ambulance ltd

i want to be the best thing that happens to someone. and on the flipside, i'm looking for the person who is the best thing to happen to me.

the ghost of the past haunted me in my dream last night. i can't remember the exact dream, but i've felt the traces of him in wisps at the edges of my periphery all day.

he won't get anything from me.

the sun's going down. tonight's a full moon and i want to go out but i don't know where yet.

if happiness were water, i'd never run dry

i'm very happy right now, very in love with life.

if loneliness were a flower, it would wither and die...

i think a lot of it has to do with being strong, self-contained and single.

i don't want to give it up right now.

i don't want to give up myself, my power.

my biggest weakness...oh that sweetness i get a taste of and it becomes my whole world. i feel like i finally got the last round out of my system and am strong again.

so now...tabula rasa.

love? sex? can there really be a beneficial balance when i give it so much power? when it takes so much power from me? i don't know. i'm not ready to find out yet.

and one day when you are loaded to the brim with poetry, tense with trying to hold every drop without spilling over, let yourself topple the cup and empty yourself of everything.

i will when i'm ready.

currently operating with a blown mind.

Clue:

http://www.librarising.com/astrology/misc/feb1962.html

and the voice inside whispering,
one day you're gonna jump so high
the world's not gonna be here when you come back down

as i closed my eyes
and lept.

So I ran into Missed Connections guy.

I was at this bar, wrapping up a crazy 3 hour conversation with this hipster who had been sitting next to me, when I decided, I had not really effectively people watched. That there was someone else I needed to talk to. So after a conversation that took us through number theory and him telling me that tonight was one of the most amazing nights of his life, that he had run into the only girl he had ever loved earlier in the evening and was feeling alone like no one understood him when I sat down next to him. And because I'm me and because of the way I speak, he felt truly understood, like someone on the outside could see him, so it meant he wasn't disappearing. He said that because I had so much faith in this search for whatever it is I'm searching for, it gave him hope that there was someone out there perfect for him, someone whom, when you're on your deathbed, you think about them and say, my life has been happy ever since the moment I met you. We started talking about my life and I told him I was looking for my Alfred, the loyal right-hand man who makes sure Batman can be Batman. He was telling me that while I wanted an Alfred, Alfred can take care of me but I will never see him as my partner. We talked for a while, but at some point I realized that I'd spent the whole night in this conversation, and something made me feel there was someone else I needed to talk to. So I told him that I'm actually supposed to meet someone tonight.

Who?, he asked.

I don't know, I said.

What do you mean you don't know?

My life is like that, I said. Once, I dropped a hat into the ocean and I watched it sink into the darkness. And I've always thought, if I ever find that hat again, even if I'm 80 years-old and walking on the beach an entire world away, I would accept that as hard proof of God and Universe.

He started laughing. I wish I could see you the moment you find your hat, he said. I bet when you do, you will be the most beautiful person because you're going to be radiating an absolute happiness.

That thought made me so happy. I really hope I find that person that I'm missing so badly and who just always seems so familiar inside these strangers.

So as I'm getting done telling him about how when I come to this bar, I tend to meet the right people that I need to talk to at a given time, I look past him and there's Missed Connections guy.

I started laughing so hard my legs turned to jelly. I thought Missed Connections guy saw us because he was looking right at us, and then he kept looking over. I was too scared to go over because I didn't know what to say. I told the guy the story about Missed Connections guy...probably the fastest I've ever told a story.

You need to go over there, he said.

I know, I said. But I'm scared. What if he's a dick? What if he's dumb? What if this is just an illusion and just another joke from the universe?

You have to go over there, he said.

I tried to have him go over there and ask the guy to come over, but instead, he turns around and starts talking to these girls.

I got the guy's attention and waved him over. He looked confused, then pointed at his friend like he wasn't sure who I wanted. But I pointed at him. He motioned that he needed to get another beer first and would come over after, but then he and his friends (a little group of men and women) formed a huddle.

I was feeling kind of dumb like, what now, and I just had a feeling this wasn't going to turn out magical. It didn't feel right.

Finally, he came over. That guy's eyes...he had amazing, soulful eyes, but what I found out was that they're like a blind man's. He's a sound guy, he takes in through his ears, he expresses through his hands, but it's like his eyes are so deceptive...so much depth, like an ocean, but...I don't know. They don't see.

He remembers me waving at him at the restaurant, he remembers the incident and thinking that I was cute, but he didn't equate me with that girl. And apparently after I put up the missed connection, someone called him the next day at 9am asking if he'd been at that restaurant, then forwarded the missed connections post to him. He remembered being at the restaurant, but didn't remember me at the restaurant, or at the bar last month, or when I was standing close to him and trying to get him to come over, he stared right at me and didnt' react. Strange, that this man could be looking right at me, and yet I exist in some sort of blind spot. We talked for a while, the dude is pretty fucking interesting and funny, but I just had this strong feeling that someone had played a really big joke on me. I kind of wanted to get out of there because my head was twisted.

I didn't want another beer and he said he had to get back to his friend's birthday thing, so I left. Got home and laid on the floor staring at the ceiling for an hour, wondering why the universe or my brain would trick me like that. Is it mocking how easily I follow connections? To lead me to a guy who looks overwhelmingly familiar only to find a blind man who can't see me?


If this question has an answer, then perhaps we'll run into each other again, I had written in the Craigslist post.

We did and there was no answer. When I asked him, who are you? He said, "I'm just a guy who hangs around Venice." When I asked, "Do we know each other?" He said, "You've probably just seen me around because I'm always out and about."

Paper lantern.

Today I followed the trail to God and found a paper lantern.

I followed the light to something beautiful but empty inside. There was no connection. So then, why had it led me to something false?

Today I followed the trail to God and found a paper lantern.

What Happened In Vegas... (aka, a Win for the Ladies)

So this is the story.

I met this guy in Vegas because his friend was talking to my cousin (the bachelorette) at Pure, and we started talking. The conversation actually started because he was taking pictures of my cousin in a drunken vulnerable state posing with his friend, and I wanted to see the pictures to make sure they wouldn't be something that my cousin would soberly regret. He showed them to me and I told him he could spend a couple minutes enjoying them, savoring them, but then he had to delete them. We started talking but I got pulled away by my cousin in the middle of the conversation. She pulled me so hard, in fact, that as I spun on heels with a 50/50 chance of a face plant, I thought of the movie "The Sweetest Thing," and how this scene was like the one in the club, and that if this guy was meant to connect with me, he would find a way. He seemed like a really nice guy.

I guess my cousin had given his friend her number so the groups could meet up the next night, but the next day, while she was sober, I showed her the pictures of the guy she was talking to and she was grossed out, so when he kept texting her to find out where we were going, she ignored him. Later that night, the guy I was talking to, Rob, texted her and said he wanted to see me again and if she could give me his number. Actually, she showed me that message and I didn't know who it was, and it didn't occur to me until 4 hours later who he was. That's because he told me to just call him John after I asked him for his name again and he was offended I didn't remember (I knew it started with an R but wanted to ask again just to make sure and be polite). That should have been the first sign.

So I texted him that we were going to this club Tao at the adjacent hotel, and he said he was leaving Palms and would meet me there in a few minutes. It's like almost 4am. We get to the hotel and find out Tao is closing, so we go upstairs and I tell my cousin this guy is coming to meet me. She tells me not to meet him despite the fact he came all the way to our hotel, that he's probably just after sex, and then he texts me that he's downstairs at the bar. So I call him and tell him I can't meet because there are girls throwing up and I have to take care of them. He's telling me to come down just for one drink and I say I can't, but that if he still feels compelled to get to know me in a week, to call me. So he says he will. Later, he texts that he just won $200 at the crap table because of me. I immediately text back if 9 had anything to do with it. He said, "Of course, 9 on the field hit twice."

If you know me, you know about me and the number 9 (as well as 29). I can't resist 9's. I will follow 9's everywhere. So this makes me think, maybe I do need to see what this guy's about.

At the same time, my cousin wants me to go downstairs with her to buy water. While we're at the store, I notice the craps tables are right there so I text him to find out where he is. He says he's in the lobby about to leave and asks where I am. I say that I'm close to the lobby. So we meet up. He's very friendly but my cousin's super belligerent and protective, giving him a hard time about who he is. They're going back and forth and it's not the best situation to get to know someone, so I want out. I say I'm going to bed and he leaves saying he'll call. We text a bit, and he says he would like to see me again.

Fast forward to last night, I get a text from him to send over my email address so he can send pics he took of us from the night we met. As soon as I get his email with his full name, OF COURSE I run through the net to find out what there is about him. My largest function in life is as a human search engine.

So I happen to find his flicker site. Ooh, he likes to take a lot of photos like me, I think.

Then I see that there seems to be one recurring girl. A pretty, sweet looking Hawaiian one, and the two of them seem to travel everywhere together. EVERYWHERE. The kicker was that the most recent pictures of the happy couple are dated LAST WEEK.

This dude has a girlfriend! And I have strong feelings about men who cheat. I was uber-irritated. The evidence was pretty overwhelming, but I didn't want to jump out of left field, so I let it play out a bit.

Here's our email exchange:

From: Rob
To: Julia
Sent: Monday, June 29, 2009 9:55:18 PM
Subject: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)

Here ya go. Let me know if they went through ok.-Rob

(At this point, I've already found the flickr site and that he has a girlfriend. But I want to bide my time while I think how I want to handle it.)

From: Julia
To: Rob
Sent: Monday, June 29, 2009 10:10:41 PM
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
.
I got one pic. The attached two are the best I can do without getting accused of disloyalty and kicked in the balls. How was the drive back? Did you stop for a milkshake?

Date: Mon, 29 Jun 2009 22:40:06 -0700
From: Rob
To: Julia
Subject: Re: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)

These work. Thanks for risking your safety. Well, I only got 1 hour sleep yesterday and while we were driving through Baker I was asleep in the car and didn't tell my cousin to stop...obviously. I figure that is your fault for keeping me up to 'til 6 in the morning. You have a good trip back? We hit some traffic part of the way, which was lame.

From: Julia
To: Rob
Sent: Monday, June 29, 2009 10:55:29 PM
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)

Can't complain. Left earlier than I planned and got back with still plenty of day to enjoy.

Date: Mon, 29 Jun 2009 23:06:53 -0700
From: Rob
To: Julia
Subject: Re: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)

Cool, well have a good night. Still got 6 days before I give you a call.

From: Julia
To: Rob
Sent: Monday, June 29, 2009 11:16:01 PM
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)

Goodness, there's a countdown.

Sounds exciting.

You too.

Date: Mon, 29 Jun 2009 23:44:36 -0700
From: Rob
To: Julia
Subject: Re: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)

Haha...You said if I was ever worth seeing again, then I would call in 7 days. Just playing by your rules ;)


From: Julia
To: Rob
Sent: Tuesday, June 30, 2009 12:35:17 AM
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)

I said, "If you still feel compelled to get to know me, give me a call in a week." That's about the time it takes for people who spend a weekend stumbling around in the wee hours of Vegas to recover from desert fever and see straight again. You're lucky you had the foresight to get a picture of me. Otherwise, for all you know, I could have been an 80 year-old drag queen from Thailand who just happened to capitalize on timing to charm your intoxicated little butt silly. And then wouldn't you have been horrified if you'd shown up to meet me and I didn't *quite* look anything like that idealized, romantically-hazy memory of the beautiful, sweet island girl you met somewhere in the vicinity of a high traffic stripper pole who faintly reminded you of someone else's mother? For god sake, Thailand! That's just disappointing. But I bet you would have sat through dinner just to be polite.

But you're lucky. I don't seem to be a geriatric Thai tranny. And the only rules in life are the ones you make. So put your seatbelt on then...let's countdown! Should every day have a different theme? With its own theme song? Should we like...get outfits or something? Maybe if we blow the socks off this countdown, the great sign that we're meant to connect again will be the night skies across the country filling with fireworks. I know, this is Nostradamus crazy shit out of left field, but you know, life is about faith and magic. ;)

Good night,
Julia

Date: Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:41:25 -0700
From: Rob
To: Julia
Subject: Re: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John).

Is this your way of asking me out to dinner? You could have just asked. And yes, I am really glad that you weren't some cute Thai dude, that would have made our time at Palazzo's a little awkward.

You are so cynical and spunky, though, I kind of dig it. First, I was the type of guy you thought might slip roofies in drinks, then you wouldn't have been surprised if I took dirty pics of girls at Pure, now I was so smashed that I wouldn't have been able to tell you were a girl in her 20's. Did I really seem that out of it to give you the impression that I wouldn't have known that you weren't 80 years old? I need to work on that.

If you can't wait the whole 6 days before I drum up the courage to call you, then just say the word and we can end this countdown business. I believe in fate too and if it is meant to be, then my dream of you last night coming from the clouds and meeting me in Santa Barbara will come true!

-Rob

(what? I've gotta drive all the way to Santa Barbara to see his lazy, cheating ass? This was the last straw. )

From: Julia
To: Rob
Subject: RE: Las Vegas Pics (with Rob, not John)
Date: Tue, 30 Jun 2009 14:45:44 -0700

Where you say "cynical and spunky," I say "quality with an ear for truth." I *might* have been willing to consider a meal with you since I do quite like food (I try to partake every day) and I am a delightful conversationalist, my biggest curiosity would be how that silver tongue of yours plans to sell this fated encounter to your girlfriend, when she really should be dumping your ass.

******

Hey Rob. Have you ever been fucked by a writer?

Well you just have.

A cynical woman thinks, "All men lie." An incisive woman knows, "Weak men lie." There's a big difference. Know the difference. The difference means empowerment, choosing to only accept what will add to your life, not take away from it. Do you value yourself? Then don't ever agree to being talked into accepting less than you deserve, or you will confine yourself to deserving less.

You know what hurts my heart? People who cheat trying to get me involved in their lives. I don't want to date someone who has it in him to cheat, and I don't want someone in a commitment to try to use me to cheat. But I think the thing that I find hardest is, I know it's out there. I don't judge other people's lives or decisions. I don't care enough to if they're not in my circle. I would just prefer not to be personally involved in it, the way some people prefer brunettes, or a tall dude. If you cheat, fine, do it on your own time with your own girls, but I just don't want cheaters thinking that I'm worth dragging under a bus. It makes me really sad about the world, disappointed in people, when they can see how much it means for me to believe in positivity and innocence, that despite the inherent nature of our flawed existences, we do our best, we try our best, but they seem to have so little respect for me (or themselves) that they use my openness to devalue my ideals. The best I can do is refuse to get involved in these situations that are no good for me, but it does make me sad whenever I see this up close. I just wish people were better. Don't go into a decision if you can't carry it out, or as soon as you can't carry it out, be honest. Or if you just want a certain lifestyle, then give the other person the truth and choice of deciding if that situation works for them. Don't fucking lie.

brilliance.

Maybe I've got a touch of my brother in me, a bit of that obsessive-compulsiveness, mixed in with my mom's blip-length attention span, but there are certain songs that take me hours to listen to, because something about the song and its lyrics takes my mind so far away, through so many landscapes and emotions that I have to keep restarting to hear the whole song to the end. I call this list "Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By." No, wait. That's a sweet-ass album by Lovage.

Music I Get Lost In:

1. What New York Couples Fight About - Morcheeba
I seem to keep forgetting the lyrics and rediscovering them.

Favorite Line: Once a label is on something, it becomes an It. Like it's no longer alive. It's like a loss of vision, or some dark impression, or a black spot on your eye.

2. Milk - Garbage
Like being on a cliff standing over crashing waves in the middle of the night, not sure if you've already died.

Favorite Line: I am lost. So I am cruel. I'd be love and sweetness if I had you.

3. Safe In Mind - U.N.K.L.E.
An urban haunting.

Favorite Line: I like the night. The street. The smells. The sense...of another world. Sometimes you come face to face with yourself.

4. The Greatest - Cat Power
I believe I spent the majority of a train ride crying because this song is so beautiful. It still moves to me to tears sometimes when I'm traveling alone.

Favorite Line: Once I wanted to be the greatest, two fists of solid rock. With brains that could explain anything feeling...

5. Volcano - Damien Rice
This song is probably #1 Most Played on my iPod.

Favorite Line: What I am to you is not real. What I am to you you do not need. What I am to you is not what you mean to me. You give me miles and miles of mountains and I'll ask for the sea.

6. Lightning Rod - Guster
This was my theme song for the embarkment of my Germany trip. It makes me think of passing snow-covered villages and cathedrals with silver light shining through the clouds.

Favorite Line: Standing on a building, I am a lightning rod. And all these clouds are so familiar. Descending from the mountain tops the gods are threatening. I will return an honest soldier.

7. Babylon - David Gray
The first time I heard White Ladder, I was driving to Vegas in the middle of the night just to turn around and drive back. I had a lot of thinking to do. White Ladder was with me that night, and this song makes my heart sing.

Favorite Line:
Sunday all the lights of London shining, sky is fading red to blue. I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves and wondering where it is you might be going to. Turning back for home you know I'm feeling so alone I can't believe. Climbing on the stair I turn around to see you smiling there in front of me.

8. Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight - Amos Lee
This song puts me at peace.

Favorite Line: Sometimes we forget who we got. Who they are, oh, who they are not. There is so much more in love than black and white. Keep it loose child, gotta keep it tight.

9. Haunted - Poe

Favorite Line: Don't cry, there's always a way. Here in November in this house of leaves we'll pray. Please, I know it's hard to believe. To see a perfect forest through so many splintered trees. You and me, and these shadows keep on changing.

10. Extreme Ways - Moby
Helped me get through my tour of duty living with a hard man in Amsterdam. It helped me stay strong even though every day, my heart was breaking.

Favorite Line: I had to close down everything, I had to close down my mind. Too many things to cover me, too much can make me blind. I've seen so much in so many places, so many heartaches, so many faces, so many dirty things. You couldn't even believe.

11. Ophelia - Ambulance LTD
It's about Hamlet, but the lyrics are just so damn good.

Favorite Line: And babe, I'm just like the best thing, that could happen, happen to someone...

When you get [what you want], will you want [what you get]? Isn't this kinda one of the first things you should ask yourself? Maybe it is a luxury. But it does give Future You more rewards to enjoy and less fires to put out.out.

back at craigslist again

so many people might remember the whole episode where i put out an ad searching for the man i kept meeting up with in recurring dreams. and how it turned into this magical night. and that night led to a year abroad in amsterdam living in high drama (see: most of 2008).

yes, kismet's a tricky little fucker.

so clearly i've learned my lesson, right? romantic notions are great. but end of the day, settle for a nice chinese engineer or accountant.

but yet, here i am again, putting my big toe into the murky waters that is craig's list missed connections.

it was saturday, may 9th. i was finally back in la after a year of so much travel that my idea of home is obliterated. but brian is happy to see me and so we head out to the other room in venice. i believe it was also around a full moon, where i seem to be strongest, at my most magnetic for karma. my notes from that night:

An unusually high number of froderists, Tim Meadows looking sharp in a white shirt, 2 grown men scared out of the bar by lioness psychic seduction, 1 raging queen in a vest (not Brian). Somewhere in there, i'm pretty sure someone grabbed my boob and while it was too crowded to tell, I think it was a girl.

Had spark of inspiration before we left home that I'm looking to meet a stranger with a true spirit who's uncanny in his ability to communicate with computers. I figure we'll know what we're supposed to do when we get there.

I asked B to point out one non-douchebag, someone good enough for me, and I would talk to him. He pointed out a guy with intense eyes by the door. I said, funny, we've already been looking at each other. He's the kind I usually go for, but the kind who probably cries after sex. The guy watched us discuss and suddenly ran out the door. RAN. Even though there was no way he could have heard what we were saying. We just made a guy run out of a bar, I said. I felt bad. His issues, B said.

what i didn't go into detail about was the tall guy by himself in the corner. kind of looked like that dude jennifer garner used to be married to, pre-michael vartan homewrecking. mid 30's. we had made eye contact earlier, the kind where you think you know the person, realize you don't, but then you WANT to know the person. the unknown strangers you recognize...undercover soulmates on full-moon nights inside dark corners.

my type.

we kept looking at each other, then brian appeared by my side with drinks. crap. we always look like a couple when we go out together. let's go over here, brian said, and leads me to a space right next to the guy.

now it's kind of awkward because he's looking at us and brian and i are busy making fun of the people around us, so now not only do we look like a couple, we look like a couple of assholes.

but i want to know this guy, know why he seems familiar.

hey, brian, i said. ask that tall dude over there if he's good at computers.

i remembered my spark of inspiration from earlier that night at home. maybe he's the one i'm looking for. he seems shy, maybe the type that gets along better with machine than man.

i'm not going to talk to that guy, brian said. you wanna talk to him, you go talk to him yourself.

fucker.

but the truth is, i'm kind of shy sometimes.

so i just kind of steal glances at him, my feet like cement, my mind gummy. working up the nerve, working up the nerve. laughing at flaming queens wearing vests, but quietly deliberating inside, working up the nerve.

and then he leaves. squeezes by us, careful not to touch anyone, walks right by me, and i could have reached out and stopped him, given him a reason to stay, but i didn't.

enjoyed the rest of the night, left the bar with a giant round moon trailing us, only minor havoc on the night's scorecard, but deep in my secret depths, disappointment.

i forgot about that guy. mostly because i decided that was my new favorite bar and i met other interesting characters, like greg, the guy i asked if he was a serial killer within minutes of meeting him, then looked him up, had drinks with him a week later to make nice about "it's not you giving off weird vibes, it's totally me. i just like to check the way prostitutes ask a john if he's a cop first."

but then last night, i got home from vegas coming off a big party weekend, very little sleep and a long solo drive listening to a boring-ass audiobook that made me scream into the desert wind to stay awake, and brian wanted to go to venice for dinner.

do you wanna, like, put on a bra or anything?, he asked as we stepped out the door. i'm in fact, wearing the t-shirt i've been doubling as my pajamas over the weekend, because i was too tired to shower and change in the morning.

would you feel better if i did?, i asked.

i don't fucking care, he said.

so we went off, me looking like i was coming off a 72-hour binger which i basically was, titties to the wind.

it's a cute little place on abbott kinney and when told there was a 40 minute wait, i got really irritable, but felt better after a walk and a cup of coffee. we came back after half an hour and they had a table for us. as we were led to the table, the tall guy from the bar a month ago walked past from the direction of the bathroom. he gave me a shy little crooked smile and i involuntarily stopped in my tracks, watched him take a seat at the bar. brian asked me if i wanted to sit inside or outside, with the inside seat facing the room (the one i would usually take). but i was staring at the guy. brian had to ask me again twice, and i said i would take the outside one because i wanted to go to the bathroom, a decision i wish i had thought through because i would spend the rest of my night craning to look at him as i decided what to do.

apparently, on some level i not only hadn't forgotten about this guy, but he had the ability to stop me in my tracks, then pace in the open space of a restaurant wrestling with myself over an impulse to approach him and being scared that this was one of those moments right before i do something that in hindsight, was totally awkward and embarrassing. fear won out. i went to the bathroom then slid back into my seat without incident.

after we ordered, i pointed him out to brian and asked him if the guy seemed familiar to him. brian didn't recognize him. i told him he'd been there at the other room the night we'd gone out, and that he'd seemed familiar then as well. he met up with an older guy in a hat, but at some point, the guy in the hat stepped out to make a phone call. the tall guy was sitting at the end of the bar, alone, and i had a total opportunity to settle this once and for all, open the goddam door of conversation and find out why i had such an instinctive pull towards him. but i didn't.

brian and i finished our meal. oysters, burrata, proscuitto & nectarine plate, amazing lamb sausage pizza. the waiter was a dick.

tall guy and his hat friend met up with a woman and another man and moved to a table in the corner by the door. i checked the seating arrangement and he sat across from the woman so she wasn't his girl. which i'm glad, because she was in her 50's.

at the end of the meal, i didn't know what to do. brian went to the bathroom which was what i was hoping (brian hates it when i talk to strangers), but the guy was having a meal with 3 other people and it's just completely inappropriate to walk up to someone and start hitting on them in the middle of a dinner, unless they're a celebrity and you're a girl who wants him to sign her cleavage with a old Bic pen as his wife glares.

brian came back and headed for the door. i was looking at them, trying to decide and i realized hat guy had well noticed me staring and was looking at me with an amused smile. so i walked behind brian and as soon as he was out the door, i turned to tall guy, waved and said a shy goodbye, which was really a hello.

he broke out in such a surprised, wide happy smile, but one in which my going out of my way to say goodbye to him wasn't coming from a complete stranger exactly, that it stopped the table's conversation and everyone turned around. i slipped out the door. we rounded the corner where their table was next to the large paneled windows and i could see they had all turned around to watch us go and the woman was saying something to him and he was craning his neck to see me with that same big smile, but i was afraid to look back, as much because i didn't know what to do, as the fact that now i really wish i had showered and put on a bra if i planned to attract attention to myself.

when i got home, i couldn't get it out of my mind. who is this guy? why does he seem inexplicably familiar? isn't this how i always get into trouble, this magnetic karma-fate thing, like a moth to a fire.

but i got on craig's list, and with clenched teeth, i put up my only other missed connection post:

I've run into you twice now and both times I can't shake the feeling that you seem familiar, but I can't place it. The first was at The Other Room, last month, I think. You were by yourself. I'm an Asian girl and I was with my roommate, a white guy. The second was tonight at Gjelina. You sat at the bar with a guy in a hat before moving to your table. I was having dinner with my roommate. I waved goodbye to you as I left because I couldn't not do anything, but it wasn't the easiest social situation to ask you...do we know each other? So here's a shot in the dark. It would probably be easiest if you saw this and we could solve this mystery, but perhaps that is lazy thinking. If not, well...if this question has an answer, then perhaps we'll run into each other again.

The winds of fate. They can pull you out of a storm, or they can dash your ship against the rocks into bits. And will you want what you get, when you get what you want? What if I find him again and it turns out he's deeply troubled, or has the brain of a 7 year-old or worse, is boring?

my mother is going through her saturn return and her annual 12th house tour. it was hard being sucked up in it because it falls in cancer, thus simultaneously revealing a facet of myself as it reveals a hidden facet within her. but this is karmic duty.

family is great overall though. lots of positive energy, they're creating positivity on their own. was happy for that. andrew is a sweetheart. his innocence, like michael's, makes me smile. i hope life never takes that away from him, or that he always fights for it.

some idiots surfaced and just as quickly went away. some people have so little going on in their own lives that they try to project onto yours because they're afraid to ask themselves their own questions. doesn't matter. the only person you answer to is yourself. the only person you give to are those you want to. that's basic. if you can live with yourself, if you accept yourself, it really doesn't matter what other people think. your own self-containment will naturally draw people towards you who have also achieved a healthy sense of self-containment and awareness.

i had this dream last night. ran into someone i once knew and because i'm who i am, i was nice even though he betrayed me, even though he probably won't be able to fully understand it until he has the courage to face himself and his actions. truthfully, he will probably never understand it. it's always been so easy for him to blame others for his actions, or project his lack of self-respect as others failing him. so i saw him and i was polite and nice, even though i was well aware this person is a snake--weak and selfish. we were shooting baskets andhe was happy because i was being nice to him, and i realized he was actually relieved because he knew he'd talked a lot of shit about me behind my back that i'd never deserved, and sadly, i actually knew about it but chose to be a bigger person and see it as just the kind of person he is and had always ignored it. but suddenly, i realized, i was under no obligation to stay and give him my patience and kindness. the truth was, he didn't deserve it. he was never my friend. his only interest was what i could give to him, how i could make him feel. as soon as it occurred to me, i just walked out of the gym and to my car. i wasn't angry, i didn't make a big show of it, it was as calm and disconnected as signing off of msn messenger. it was a good feeling, one of empowerment and freedom. in the parking garage, someone handed me some hand-painted fliers for an upcoming event. they thought i was part of a group hired to distribute them. i had no responsibility and wanted to put them down, but i saw they were hand-painted and knew someone had put in great effort to make them, so i put them on some windshields before i left. good karma.

many things happening, but still not cohesive yet, just lots of clues. have been in an incredibly relaxed state. suppressing need to be doing things and just observing.

first thing that has become very clear since i returned home-my inability to pin down age. when i look at someone within a certain age range (or perhaps a certain personality type), their face has an iridescence to it. from some angles, they look young, from some angles they look old. but what is always steady is their eyes. i gain the most information from a person's eyes.

next, the magnetism. under the right configuration of energy, i can direct things to get what i want. the things i want tend to be minor, positive things which benefit myself as well as other people indirectly. this becomes more pronounced (or perhaps my awareness becomes sharper to perceive what is always happening) near the full moon, and the peak of my cycle. i'm my strongest and at my greatest power and peace. i recognized the texture of energy once i understood the symbology of the moon. you can get from it what you need when it becomes available, but you take what you need be it light or dark. my only taste is for dark. because for me, light holds no answers. it is the illusion. but it is the dark that has substance, the dark that seeks to understand itself so it can understand all. whatever prejudiced has developed over the course of human history that has led to such stigma to the dark, it's exacerbated by ignorant man-children claiming to be in on it but making a mockery out of it. dark energy is an incredibly rich, power source. it comes from the roots, the ground, the darkest depths of people. and i can tap into it. so many nights i think to myself, i use my powers of dark for good, as what. a statement of intent? a defense? an explanation? or a statement coated with such disgust and disappointment for everyone who has misunderstood me because you didn't know one thing about light and dark. you just felt uncomfortable that i have power. it's actually a creed. and because if people got close enough to me to really try to understand me, they would see that the truth is all that matters. There are so many levels of truth, these levels form a language unto themselves. and this is what i would like to have a serious conversation about.

Oh man, there's this other thing. I've been pretty happy. It's freedom. I just like to be free and know that everyone is respecting their boundary. I'm someone who needs to know about people. I have to do it quickly and deeply because whatever bigger picture I'm trying to see, I have an intuition that I need to cover ground quickly. But I'm meeting a lot of people. And I feel my grasp slipping and one of them is getting in.

I feel it is illusion though. Sometimes these things appear fated and it brings together people who's soul lesson is in getting away from each other. It's hard because he has quite subtly, and I wonder, subconsciously?, picked up on a somewhat inner facet of me, directly after i revealed i saw an inner facet of him. sounds like an adult round of the pants off game. i do remember he got distracted explaining to me how the computer at the gym measures wattage and i got bored for a second because the next thing i knew, i was asking myself if i thought he had a bigger penis than i would give him credit for.

well, he's deceptive. i can't see into him the same way i can't seem to be able to tell people's ages, even though i used to be so good at it. when i look into him and want to see his mother and father, it avoids me, like black oil on water. slick. pluto-esque. NE corner of the house, where the parents' room was. look, but i don't want to know. in a way, i see that i energize him and calm him, but i don't want to open any dark rooms anymore.

kitchen, last night.
B: So what'd you tell him?
J: Everything I've needed to get off my chest. How dating his brother was one of the most painful and challenging things I've ever been through. And that his brother's not a bad person, he's a man of many secrets, many hidden rooms and rooms hidden inside hidden rooms, so many that I think he doesn't even know all of them or at least, can not keep track of them. I did say that at the end of the day, maybe it was something I needed to go through so that I could figure out what was good for me. I really want a kind, gentle person who's honest and cares about me.
B: Basically, you want to date Bambi.
J: That's about right.

thank you, ian.

The moon, the moon, the moon. the sea, the people. the trees, the sky. every day, it's different. do you notice?

pugnacious today. $10 cherries. new chef at the thai dive? need a rest day from gym. had a really good cup of coffee. braved it out and tried tongue. it's like really tender beef. to be honest if i wanted really tender beef, i would still prefer not-tongue. felt queasy for hours afterwards and debated whether it was psychosomatic or actually physical, like the beef hadn't been cooked properly. the medium popcorn from the movie theater with a ridiculous amount of white cheddar resolved that debate. didn't have the patience to see a movie. nothing at the video store. i feel so bourgeois browsing video stores when i have 5 at-a-time netflix. really really need an indoor basketball court. random web trail today--somewhere near the beginning, wondered about differences of craiglist missed connection cultures so checked out san francisco's. found this:

when will i be loved (campbell):

Reply to: mailto:pers-57nbx-1207903862@craigslist.org?subject=when%20will%20i%20be%20loved.%20(campbell) [Errors when replying to ads?]Date: 2009-06-05, 11:12PM PDT

wow... just when i was thinking h3r3 is a man who will do right by me... LOL.... BOHICA... PBT... my BROTHER ronnie said he needed a phone... so i said answer mine. give me my messages.. cool.. here i am thinking im all good .. turns out he was yanking my chain just like my son sammy arena and my friend ty hardin.. aint they the coolest... wow... now i think they should be poster children for if you see these people alive after the first of the year you will know i died sometime last night.

i think im liking this drinking ... that is so fucked to have a man do that to me.. especially when i know him.. he was never like that.. i heard he was a snitch as well.. well he was robert reynoso way back when.. maybe manny caruso had something there. damn.. seems like there is not one left who didnt compromise his priciples by not owning up to his own shit. by not standing up for others when they were not there. damn. oh coffee boy .. save me please.. i so want to end this fuckiing life.

oh im sylvia martin ...... uncle pauls favorite joke.. you know my uncle paul del grande quite a ladies man i say.. anyway.. so man needs a phone.. then i find out he is just yanking my chain .. like all the rest.. well not all... where is that man who ran the coffee shop on the corner.. he had some fun friends i must say though he was the hottest thing since white bread.. whole lotta man that one.. cute kids as well...

so here i am a fruit loop with no friends.. what the fuck me over again tyster you funny puppie.. take you ghostly self and fade outta sight .. take your twisted ideals your smut talk about women or men and stuff it..

you are gona be so surprised.. hell im really hoping ya all will be so fucking surprised..

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1207903862

*****

Pondered it.

Then remembered an old conversation and found the quote I'd been thinking about for a while. That led me to and article about Africans and the symbolism of homosexuality: http://blog.beliefnet.com/crunchycon/2007/10/st-charles-lwanga-and-african.html#more
Outside of the piece's opinion, trying to understand the people behind the comments occupied me for a while. then thought about my experience of what my mind decides to remember, how i can take in so much information, but the only ones i retain tend to be ones i'll need in a connection later. did a google search for "predictive memory."

oh boy. it always comes back to robots.

is almost attaching the pieces. so close.

J says (9:35 PM):
i hear you're quite the player these days
R says (9:35 PM):
Oh no!
R says (9:35 PM):
Who said that?
J says (9:36 PM):
my psychic antennae
J says (9:36 PM):
i got elves around the world who work for me
R says (9:36 PM):
Lol.
R says (9:36 PM):
Well I'm autodidactic about things. I set to learning about how to get girls, but after a while, which happened to be about a month ago, I've moved on to other interests. Well back to previous ones.
J (9:37 PM):
what were your previous interests?
R says (9:38 PM):
Mostly analytic philosophy and writing. I'm reading more about modal logic and its applications into things like metaphysics and superveniece on consciousness these days.
R says (9:38 PM):
Women aren't so complicated compared.
J says (9:39 PM):
well, people aren't that complicated compared. we can make the world as complicated or as simple as we want. the whole spectrum is interesting
R says (9:39 PM):
Totally.
J says (9:40 PM):
some people live intensely on just a few planes, some people try to explore as many as possible
J says (9:40 PM):
personally, i like living intensely in short periods of time in each
R says (9:40 PM):
That takes a lot of discipline.
J says (9:40 PM):
yes. i'm thankful you recognize that
R says (9:41 PM):
I've considered that about you from more than what's been said here. Anyway, back in Cali yet?
J says (9:42 PM):
how so
R says (9:43 PM):
I don't remember the details, but what you said about your previous job in America before Amsterdam. Something with a computer company. And then with the job you undertook in Amsterdam. Usually discipline is the only thing that holds ambition together. Emotion isn't consistent enough to fuel motivation for very long.
R says (9:44 PM):
So in Cali now?
J says (9:45 PM):
haha, everyone's always wondering where i am
J says (9:45 PM):
i've been traveling again
R says (9:45 PM):
Shit! Where are you now!
J says (9:45 PM):
but keeping it on the downlow. i felt like i was in a really tough battle for a really long time, so it's kind of like coming home from war
J says (9:46 PM):
but in a very emotional plane. so it's been an amazing time of quiet
J says (9:46 PM):
but yes, you're one of the few people who know i'm in cali
R says (9:46 PM):
You're so visual. Do you have synesthesia?
J says (9:47 PM):
what's that?
R says (9:48 PM):
It's when someone has parallel experiences from generally considered singular forms of experiences. Like a person who hears a sound but also has a sort of visual experience accompanying it. I'd guess you might have a sort of linguistic synesthesia, where your thinking is constantly accompanies by a satial, shape-like experience.
J says (9:49 PM):
hahaha! this is the most amazing thing anyone's ever said to me
R says (9:49 PM):
Anyway I was thinking about travelling a lot too. Maybe one day we could both go some places together. Like duel hking.
R says (9:49 PM):
Haha, does it sound like you?
J says (9:50 PM):
well, it's like for the first time in a long time, something made sense
J says (9:50 PM):
people are always telling me what i am. and i always try to be that person that each person needs. it takes a lot of energy but i seem to be able to do it for a little while
J says (9:50 PM):
but doing that for people really takes a lot of energy out of me
J says (9:51 PM):
but as long as i have a safe place to go back to and recharge, i can always seem to make things go in a positive direction if i really believe in it
J says (9:52 PM):
but the thing is, most people aren't so conscious so it can be really disappointing. but sometimes you see small changes in people and it makes it worth whater you're putting out
J says (9:53 PM):
the thing about basically almost stepping into another person's world, is that you're able to see a whole other universal perspective
R says (9:53 PM):
That's pretty interesting. I'm atheist (dunno if I ever mentioned it), but there's this quote in the Bible, "I am all things to all men, so that I might save some". I got it from a jazz song though, but I always liked it.
J says (9:54 PM):
do you feel that way about the world from your perspective?
R says (9:54 PM):
I mentioned the synesthesia thing because it seemed like you were selecting words that both articulated what you said and also had a spatial aspect to them.
R says (9:56 PM):
From the quote? Well, I suppose that I'm ultimately a humanist, but I'm interested in more than saving men. I'm content to say that my reasoning about what's best is dynamic, based on possibly better things I find in the future.
J says (9:57 PM):
how do you recognize people within strangers?
R says (9:58 PM):
Your question is kind of ambiguous. But I guess you're more interested in my feeling my answer than solving a problem?
J says (9:58 PM):
well, overall, where and what is your process?
R says (9:59 PM):
I suppose I leave my recognicion of a sense of commonality to peripheral feelings, and leave rationale to work itself into things that I find later on about them.
R says (10:00 PM):
My ability to accept people as "people" in a rational way can't be done: the human race isn't connected on a level of metaphysics, but on moral necessity, so far as I'm concerned.
J says (10:00 PM):
do you ever feel like wherever you're going, you're going as though you've actually arrived?
R says (10:02 PM):
I'm not sure what you mean. Where I go though, I'm careful these days to try not to think too much about arrival, and to remove thinking about myself as a part of the process. I just want to be in tune with the entire journey, and not let things like foresight and self concientiousness take my mind off of actually where I am, what I am doing.
R says (10:04 PM):
It's hard to be careful though, lol. "Being careful about concientiousness" is contradictory. You've got to lose yourself, and not put worth into realizing yourself as different from your experience.
R says (10:04 PM):
I suppose one of us should mention that I'm pretty much singing some kind of zen doctrine here.
J says (10:04 PM):
hahaha
J says (10:04 PM):
yeah, you were starting to lose me
J says (10:05 PM):
or i probably lost you
R says (10:06 PM):

J says (10:06 PM):
the strangest thing about having lived in a different country is adapting to the way people communicate. i've noticed that coming back to the states i'm so much more aware of how easy it is for people to speak different languages
J says (10:07 PM):
like we all try really hard to communicate, but the truth is there are so many ways people communicate outside of just verbal language
R says (10:09 PM):
Yeah. What I noticed most when I returned is how goddamn uptight people are! But, you're on the West Coast. I hear that there's a differerent America over there.
J says (10:09 PM):
they're more open on this side
J says (10:10 PM):
more expansive in thinking and spirit, though overall, there are pockets of small-minded people
J says (10:11 PM):
and if you're into people watching, they're really neurotic in interesting ways
J says (10:11 PM):
have you ever been to the west coast?
R says (10:12 PM):
Not even close. I'm really getting the itch to go.
J says (10:12 PM):
you should always go to places where you have itches
J says (10:12 PM):
those are the best ones
J says (10:12 PM):
because you're more determined to make an experience
R says (10:13 PM):
You're going to make me jump out of my skin!
R says (10:13 PM):
Haha.
R says (10:13 PM):
My friend and I are planning a drive out there.
R says (10:14 PM):
But I need to make sure that I have enough leave saved. I was also thinking after these 2 years here, I'll take University over there. Also, after that, I'll have lots of money saved, and I'm going to travel everywhere, and live everywhere I want.
R says (10:14 PM):
Right now the military keeps me. And keeps me crazy with these big ideas all right.
J says (10:14 PM):
man, how long are you committed for?
R says (10:15 PM):
Five years, 8 or 9 months. I'm out of here November 2010.
J says (10:15 PM):
you're free after that?
R says (10:15 PM):
Uh huh.
J says (10:16 PM):
oh my god. you're gonna be like a man getting out of prison
J says (10:16 PM):
as the chinese say, you're eyes are gonna be so wide!
J says (10:16 PM):
your
R says (10:16 PM):
Haha. It's only a prison because of my itching. But I can't wait. I need to deploy overseas one last time to save some money.
R says (10:16 PM):
I never heard that saying before.
J says (10:17 PM):
okay, i lied. it's what i say
J says (10:17 PM):
it's that moment when your entire soul just wants to devour all the things that are new
J says (10:18 PM):
like a kid the minute he sees his birthday cake
R says (10:18 PM):
Haha I like it!
J says (10:18 PM):
if you can make it through and get there, it's the end of your rainbow
J says (10:18 PM):
you better be documenting all this! write it all down. this is your story
J says (10:18 PM):
you'd better be writing like hell when you get out
R says (10:19 PM):
I'll manage.
R says (10:19 PM):
Anyway, I have to shove off.
R says (10:20 PM):
It's pretty damn later here, and tomorrow I've got a lot of conversation ahead of me. And reading too.
R says (10:20 PM):
Have a good night buddy!
J says (10:20 PM):
good luck. have a good night

tonight i met a woman they called commander dazzle. she commands the ship, ryan said. she leans into me, her eyes hooded and whispers. i don't command. i don't need to.

i coerce, she hissed.

later, i meet a tall guy in his 40's with buzzed hair and tinted glasses. kind of a rich man's Don Henley. I see a small bottle hung on a leather strap around his neck. what's that, i pointed. your bubbles? (hey, isn't that what ravers like?) no, it's a bottle of tabasco sauce, he said. i've wear it to ward off anything that's bland, and so far it's been working, cuz my life's been exciting...yeah... did you load it up with power and decide its function, or did someone else give it to you for that purpose, i asked. no, i powered it up, he said. i'm a manifest coach. i materialize things into my life daily and i teach people how to do the same. some people are afraid to go after what they want, or they need someone to teach them.

or sometimes they don't know how to use their own power, i said.

exactly, he said.

if you act like you know where you're going, you better be serious about figuring out where you're going.

i make my discoveries wandering around. i need a freedom to that. but i need to know that i have a secure anchor supporting me.

i want to talk about people. i'm struggling with finding how honest i want to be.

it's good when i get the fragments out here.