sunday was a bright day...yesterday...
all failsafes are working. i trust them. when the right one comes along, his very nature will compromise them without realizing they were there in the first place. my secrets are excalibur--unlocked by the one who is pure of heart. that's the beauty of this system. i assume that i use a form of predictive memory...memories are implanted so that feelings of triggered memory or familiarity despite logical reason lead me to attach "significance" to a person or encounter. these are how i choose what to follow and whom to connect with. im still learning which are real triggers, and having tolerance that some parts of the path illuminated by triggers are not always rewarding. it's about persistence and determination to build my perspective until i can recognize the ultimate picture. i understand that life is training my instincts and sight right now.
where does my power come from? my core, of course. what is my core?
the things i never gave away. the me that believes in truth. the me that is the truth. my faith. my innocence. my belief that i will someday find those keys. and the man they belong to.
he holds my knowledge.
what did batman need?
1. unlimited financial resources
2. alfred - a caretaker/mentor
3. a polarity - batman was a point of light in a world of darkness. batman was a point of darkness in a world of light. in fact, we all are. it's like the moon--at different times, from different perspectives, we view it differently. but it is still the same. you get from it what you need. batman needed an inverted reflection. shadow and light. light and shadow. does the mirror know it's the reflection?
4. peers
i'm close.
When you came in the air went out. And every shadow filled out with doubt. I don't know who you think you are but before the night is through...I wanna do bad things with you.
my darkness. my light. i taste it all.
first of all, chris titus presents himself beautifully. i've been thinking about stand-up.
second.
i love the way the night envelopes pretty things.
third.
i have to let go of everything. that's the thing. having the discipline not to promise away anything.
it's easy for me to do a lot of things. but right now, what's most important is to be strong and wait.
fourth.
my perspective is being challenged. i've never experienced before, a time of such great certainty paired with such great uncertainty.
I am certain of myself. Everything else, it's hard to tell what's real.
the well (a ghost story)
i thought about the men i'd known over the years who were always toeing the line, their wedding bands mysteriously absent, sometimes leaning in too closely to whisper in my ear at late night industry parties featuring primal rhythms and open bars, subtly enhaling my scent so dangerously close to where a woman's jaw, neck and ear meet to form the perfect storm.
some were more accustomed to the dark than others...you could tell by the shine of their eyes they were used to getting their way. and as with honey, no matter what corner, they could always find me.
that dark, mysterious, complicatedly uncomplicated place where a man goes to stand at the edge of a moonlit well as his wife and children sleep soundly at home, that place where the point of no return is a lot closer than he arrogantly believes... that place. that edge of oblivion. that place is where i live. and i sit quietly, waiting.
i see them on moonlit nights, looking for a game to test their might but not really believing what they wager can truly be lost. they come as shadows, in pompous suits and damp, naked fingers, asking for directions when they know exactly where they are.
i look them in the eye
and a grin begins to crawl
creeping through the room like a dangerous seduction
as she leans in
her cool fingers draped dangerously on his arm
(the last stop) whispering,
are you sure this is where you want to be?
as something inside flicks its tongue over the razor's edge glinting shadows within the darkness.
if you looked at how much the people around me love me, you would understand how much I've put into the lives of the people I love.
when I think about life, I feel I would rather be strong and build, even if that means my time in this world will be shorter, but I will go forth with open eyes and an open heart, and in giving, I hope some day to receive something very specific--a summit.
The whole encapsulated view.
Sun in the Eleventh House 11th hs
You have a natural desire and ability to turn yourself into an eminently desirable partner for almost anyone you meet.
yes, it's quite a skill, isn't it? at least it couldn't belong to a sweeter person. don't hate. if you're a good person, you could gain from it. i'm generous by nature. but please be honorable and don't take advantage of the openness.
the sun's going down. tonight's a full moon and i want to go out but i don't know where yet.
if happiness were water, i'd never run dry
i'm very happy right now, very in love with life.
if loneliness were a flower, it would wither and die...
i think a lot of it has to do with being strong, self-contained and single.
i don't want to give it up right now.
i don't want to give up myself, my power.
my biggest weakness...oh that sweetness i get a taste of and it becomes my whole world. i feel like i finally got the last round out of my system and am strong again.
so now...tabula rasa.
love? sex? can there really be a beneficial balance when i give it so much power? when it takes so much power from me? i don't know. i'm not ready to find out yet.
and one day when you are loaded to the brim with poetry, tense with trying to hold every drop without spilling over, let yourself topple the cup and empty yourself of everything.
i will when i'm ready.
So I ran into Missed Connections guy.
I was at this bar, wrapping up a crazy 3 hour conversation with this hipster who had been sitting next to me, when I decided, I had not really effectively people watched. That there was someone else I needed to talk to. So after a conversation that took us through number theory and him telling me that tonight was one of the most amazing nights of his life, that he had run into the only girl he had ever loved earlier in the evening and was feeling alone like no one understood him when I sat down next to him. And because I'm me and because of the way I speak, he felt truly understood, like someone on the outside could see him, so it meant he wasn't disappearing. He said that because I had so much faith in this search for whatever it is I'm searching for, it gave him hope that there was someone out there perfect for him, someone whom, when you're on your deathbed, you think about them and say, my life has been happy ever since the moment I met you. We started talking about my life and I told him I was looking for my Alfred, the loyal right-hand man who makes sure Batman can be Batman. He was telling me that while I wanted an Alfred, Alfred can take care of me but I will never see him as my partner. We talked for a while, but at some point I realized that I'd spent the whole night in this conversation, and something made me feel there was someone else I needed to talk to. So I told him that I'm actually supposed to meet someone tonight.
Who?, he asked.
I don't know, I said.
What do you mean you don't know?
My life is like that, I said. Once, I dropped a hat into the ocean and I watched it sink into the darkness. And I've always thought, if I ever find that hat again, even if I'm 80 years-old and walking on the beach an entire world away, I would accept that as hard proof of God and Universe.
He started laughing. I wish I could see you the moment you find your hat, he said. I bet when you do, you will be the most beautiful person because you're going to be radiating an absolute happiness.
That thought made me so happy. I really hope I find that person that I'm missing so badly and who just always seems so familiar inside these strangers.
So as I'm getting done telling him about how when I come to this bar, I tend to meet the right people that I need to talk to at a given time, I look past him and there's Missed Connections guy.
I started laughing so hard my legs turned to jelly. I thought Missed Connections guy saw us because he was looking right at us, and then he kept looking over. I was too scared to go over because I didn't know what to say. I told the guy the story about Missed Connections guy...probably the fastest I've ever told a story.
You need to go over there, he said.
I know, I said. But I'm scared. What if he's a dick? What if he's dumb? What if this is just an illusion and just another joke from the universe?
You have to go over there, he said.
I tried to have him go over there and ask the guy to come over, but instead, he turns around and starts talking to these girls.
I got the guy's attention and waved him over. He looked confused, then pointed at his friend like he wasn't sure who I wanted. But I pointed at him. He motioned that he needed to get another beer first and would come over after, but then he and his friends (a little group of men and women) formed a huddle.
I was feeling kind of dumb like, what now, and I just had a feeling this wasn't going to turn out magical. It didn't feel right.
Finally, he came over. That guy's eyes...he had amazing, soulful eyes, but what I found out was that they're like a blind man's. He's a sound guy, he takes in through his ears, he expresses through his hands, but it's like his eyes are so deceptive...so much depth, like an ocean, but...I don't know. They don't see.
He remembers me waving at him at the restaurant, he remembers the incident and thinking that I was cute, but he didn't equate me with that girl. And apparently after I put up the missed connection, someone called him the next day at 9am asking if he'd been at that restaurant, then forwarded the missed connections post to him. He remembered being at the restaurant, but didn't remember me at the restaurant, or at the bar last month, or when I was standing close to him and trying to get him to come over, he stared right at me and didnt' react. Strange, that this man could be looking right at me, and yet I exist in some sort of blind spot. We talked for a while, the dude is pretty fucking interesting and funny, but I just had this strong feeling that someone had played a really big joke on me. I kind of wanted to get out of there because my head was twisted.
I didn't want another beer and he said he had to get back to his friend's birthday thing, so I left. Got home and laid on the floor staring at the ceiling for an hour, wondering why the universe or my brain would trick me like that. Is it mocking how easily I follow connections? To lead me to a guy who looks overwhelmingly familiar only to find a blind man who can't see me?
If this question has an answer, then perhaps we'll run into each other again, I had written in the Craigslist post.
We did and there was no answer. When I asked him, who are you? He said, "I'm just a guy who hangs around Venice." When I asked, "Do we know each other?" He said, "You've probably just seen me around because I'm always out and about."
Paper lantern.
Today I followed the trail to God and found a paper lantern.
I followed the light to something beautiful but empty inside. There was no connection. So then, why had it led me to something false?
