When this is your favorite song:
...you must be ovulating. It always makes me think of a big shiny disco ball in a dark ballroom. But it's so bad it's good...
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-Marianne Williamson
Sunday, August 5, 2007
interesting weekend. very interesting weekend. i had both my family in town as well as aubrey and candice for warren's going away party. ran into two people i used to date on the same day, and ironically, i was always worried that one of them would end up being like the other. i realized they're very different people. had the hottest girl in the bar come up and talk to me, telling me that she's been watching me all night and that she really likes my style. she was one of those chill girls that radiates an interesting energy, style, confidence plus incredible looks. pradeep, lauren's fiance, really wanted me to get her number just to have gotten it because she was that hot. but then i told him that i've never made out with a girl before; i might be willing to try if the girl is cool enough, but there's no way i can have sex with a woman because it just really grosses me out. but i was flattered, because i took it not so much like a girl hitting on another girl, as one cool girl with great energy who's spreading joy around a room seeing someone else who also has great energy and is spreading joy around a room, and walking up and saying, "hey, i like what you're doing. keep it up." that was really cool. i talked to a lot of strangers last night and every interaction was positive, no drama.
One thing I've learned this weekend. If you are in a great place in your life, there are people who are going to want to get close to you. Either they want to be around your energy, or they want to know how you're doing it. Some people can get clingy, but when you meet other people who are also feeling good because they're in a really good place in their lives, it's like two ships passing in the night and all the people aboard are really happy to see each other and acknowledge each other, and then you move along on your way.
Also, try not to hold grudges. Life is too short. And if you ever meet up with someone out there who's hurt you, kill 'em with kindness. There's nothing sweeter, because you are showing that no matter your history or past hurt, you're still able to celebrate yourself and be a big person.
Friday, August 3, 2007
The Affair You Don't Know You're Having
By Heather Johnson Durocher
I'll call him John.
The first time we met, he actually struck me as a bit arrogant. He irritated me enough that I mentioned him to my husband in a "Can you believe this guy?" kind of way. But I interacted with John only occasionally, always through work and mostly over e-mail, so it wasn't a huge deal. He's just one of those people who gets under my skin, I told myself.
But a little over a year into our working relationship, something changed. One day, John let down his guard with me and I responded, I suppose in part because I couldn't help but be curious about his mostly hidden soft side. Our conversations turned to easy banter and later — I have a hard time admitting this even now — flirtation. Our e-mails, which could number several in one day, never included outright expressions of affection toward each other. Instead, our notes were mostly business peppered with friendly sparring. We shared a similar sense of humor. I felt that he got me.
I told myself I wasn't doing anything wrong. I had to talk with this guy for work, after all. And couldn't I have a friend who happened to be male? I also told my husband about him, even sharing when we'd meet for coffee or lunch (always scheduled with the intention of discussing business). My husband, busy with a demanding job, trusted me completely.
In the midst of working part-time and caring for a preschooler, a toddler, and, later, a new baby, e-mailing and talking with John felt like an innocent escape. I never would have said at the time that I was in a bad marriage — my husband and I got along well; we just didn't have a lot of quality alone time together — and I had no intention of crossing any physical line. But I increasingly found myself sharing more and more of my hopes and dreams with John instead of just with my husband. I anticipated my regular interactions with John in a way that was all too consuming. And it was John — not my husband — who was beginning to fill a key emotional need in my life. I was, in fact, unknowingly cheating on my husband; I was having an emotional affair.
More Than Just Friends
The signs of an emotional affair may be more subtle than those of a sexual affair, but they're just as unmistakable. "An emotional affair happens when you put the bulk of your emotions into the hands of somebody outside of your marriage," explains psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman, author of Emotional Infidelity.
It's not so much that you're not talking with your husband — there's always stuff to discuss, thanks to kids and mortgages — but you're not sharing with him. Your innermost thoughts, funny jokes, and interesting personal experiences are saved up and spilled to the other guy instead of your spouse. And even if you never so much as touch him, this emotional attachment has just as much potential as a sexual fling to damage your marriage. "We only have so much emotional energy; the more of it we spend outside of our marriage, the less we have inside our marriage," says Neuman. "And after a while, we simply do not have enough emotions and love and caring and time for both."
While emotional affairs are not a totally new phenomenon — the late Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., wrote about them in her groundbreaking 2003 book, NOT "Just Friends" — experts agree that they're on the rise. "Emotional affairs are happening more often because so many of us feel emotionally isolated," says relationship expert Steven Stosny, Ph.D., coauthor of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.
Whether it's because of our demanding jobs and packed schedules or the hours we spend on the Internet instead of with our families, friends, and communities, we've become increasingly distanced both physically and emotionally from other people, including our spouses. And when we're not regularly sharing our lives and feelings with those close to us, we ultimately begin to feel that they've stopped caring. "This feeling of emotional detachment plants the seeds for an emotional affair," says Stosny, "because when you feel emotionally detached from your husband, you are faced with a choice — either to improve the bond you share with him or to look elsewhere to get your needs met." And working to improve your marriage is just that: work — work that's a lot less alluring than a little special attention from someone new.
That's where the affair partner comes in. Having another guy turn his focus onto you, even if only in friendship, can be dangerously seductive. I can attest to that firsthand: When I started my relationship with John, I wasn't even aware of the resentment I felt toward my husband over the long hours he spent away from me and our kids at his job. To complicate matters, I was grappling with my sense of self. I second-guessed my new roles as a wife and mother: Was I being the best parent I could be by only working part-time from home? Should I work more so I could help our family's finances? Or scrap the job thing altogether and more fully embrace this precious time with my children? What about my hobbies and interests? What was it again that I liked to do anyway?
Enter John: a guy who understood what I did for a living and made me laugh wholeheartedly. When I spoke with him, I felt smart and beautiful, sexy even, because he respected what I had to say and engaged me in intense and stimulating conversation. It wasn't that my husband wasn't able to do these things; he'd provided all that and more, especially during our early years together. But as time wore on, we were simply so mired in caring for our kids and making sure the bills were paid that our emotional connection waned. John didn't know me as a wife or mother, but simply as a woman. He was someone who reminded me of the person I used to be — and perhaps hoped to find again.
An emotional affair also offers the thrill of the forbidden without crossing any physical lines. "You know it's wrong, that it's taboo," says Stosny. "That's what makes it provocative and rousing." When Rebecca Smith,* a 39-year-old mother of two from Annapolis, MD, began regularly e-mailing with her friend Lyle, her youngest child had just started kindergarten and her husband was working longer hours. Exchanging e-mails with Lyle was a welcome diversion, not only because it filled her downtime but because their often silly, sometimes sexually charged notes were a far cry from her conversations with her husband. "My husband can be kind of negative, and Lyle has a more optimistic outlook on life. We often had these sparring conversations. It was intellectually stimulating for me," she says. "And the more we e-mailed, the more I found myself magnetized to him and fantasizing about what my life would be like if we were together."
Too Close for Comfort
Once you're drawn into an emotional affair, it can feel so good that you don't want to stop. In fact, not having sex may make the connection seem all the more powerful. It feels genuine, romantic even, and isn't easy to let go of because it's so "safe" — or so it appears. But inevitably, you start unfairly comparing your husband to this other man, says Neuman, which compounds the damage. "You don't have the stresses of everyday life together, so the new guy can be very humorous, very cute, and very giving," he says. "You go back to your spouse and you're comparing him to this guy in pieces: He'll never be as handsome as this guy or as funny as this guy or as giving as this guy." While emotional affairs rarely break up couples, they can leave a marriage torn and tattered. "The affair saps so much emotional energy and core values away from your relationship," says Stosny, "that you'll undoubtedly feel guilty and irritable and blame your husband for these bad feelings."
Another sure sign your "innocent" friendship has gotten out of control: You would be embarrassed for your husband to witness your interactions or to know what you are thinking about when you're with this other guy. And once you start keeping secrets, even "innocent" ones, your intimacy with your main man suffers even more. Toni Richards, 40, a mother of four from Wiley, TX, who had an emotional affair with a former coworker, says that as she grew closer to Bobby, she began to flat-out avoid her husband. "I wasn't even sleeping in the same bed as my husband. In a sense, I didn't want to be next to him because I worried he would know that something was going on, that I would say something in my sleep," she says. "I started pulling away from him and I didn't talk to him as much."
And of course, with every emotionally engaging or sexually charged conversation or e-mail, phone call, or meeting, taking your affair to the physical level becomes the obvious (though by no means inevitable) next step. "The longer you continue an emotional affair, the greater the chance it will become physical," says Stosny. The first time Bobby asked Toni to meet him for dinner, which meant she had to lie to her husband about where she was going after work, she agreed. "We didn't kiss, but we held hands and sat next to each other — closer than friends should be sitting," she says. In a matter of weeks, she knew that Bobby was ready to get physical. After wrestling internally with the idea of being with him — and realizing that she didn't want things to go down that path — she decided to break off the connection with Bobby entirely. "It was a hard choice, but I still loved my husband and didn't want to ruin my marriage any more than I already had," she says.
Getting Out
Even after you've recognized your emotional affair and the damage it's causing your marriage, slamming on the brakes is easier said than done. Says Stosny, "Many emotional affairs turn almost obsessive simply because you never had sex to consummate your fantasies." It took months for Rebecca to tear herself away from Lyle, even after her husband came across an e-mail from Lyle and called her out on their too friendly exchange. He demanded that she show him all of her e-mails with Lyle, which she did, and asked her to stop talking with him. She agreed, but secretly maintained contact. As time went on, though, she says, "I became riddled with guilt and grew increasingly aware of how my time and energy spent on Lyle was taking away from my family, from myself. But I couldn't help myself." In fact, she still hasn't completely cut ties with Lyle. "We still e-mail now and again," she says. "I'm just more guarded with him."
As tough as it is, quitting the relationship cold turkey is the best way to move past an emotional affair for real and for good. "Setting boundaries for continued contact will only raise the taboo level and, along with it, the excitement, the obsessions, and the motivation," says Stosny.
The aftermath of an emotional affair can have an upside: "Failing your own values can make you more committed to them in the future," says Stosny. So consider the experience a wake-up call to what is missing not only in your relationship but also within yourself. "I realized that if I can't talk to my husband the way I talk to Bobby, then there's a big problem that I need to fix first in my marriage," says Toni. And while Stosny and Neuman say it's not imperative that you admit your affair to your husband — in fact, you may even hurt him needlessly by doing so — some women don't feel like they can fully move on unless they come clean. After she cut things off with Bobby, Toni opted to tell her husband about the situation. "He was hurt that I'd been sharing personal thoughts with another man," she says, "but he was mostly relieved that nothing physical had happened." The couple is in the midst of trying to find a marital counselor, and Toni is hopeful she can rebuild her marriage.
Severing your connection to the other man — whether or not you ever tell your husband about him — is only step one. You also need to funnel all the energy you were putting into your affair back into your marriage. And while setting aside more time to spend with each other — away from kids and other couples — is important for patching things up and maintaining intimacy in your marriage, it's just as crucial to adopt a new attitude toward your guy. "Emotional connection is a mental state," says Stosny. "You choose to feel connected to your husband. You decide to be loving and compassionate toward him. You will feel emotionally bonded and sexually stimulated with your husband because you've committed yourself and all your positive energies to him — and he'll definitely pick up on the vibes you're giving off."
Nurturing your relationship is the emergency care it needs to heal. But for long-term marital health, you also need to nurture yourself. Trying out a new hobby, getting involved in your community, or tapping into your spiritual side can help you recover from — and prevent you from having — an emotional affair. "When you have more interests in your life, you have less of a desire to find something exciting and taboo to intrigue you," says Stosny. "Plus, you'll lead a richer, fuller life with less emotionally needy gaps." After cooling things down with Lyle, Rebecca decided to refocus those energies on her guy and the other people close to her. "I can't expect that my husband is going to meet every emotional need in my life, so I'm reaching out to my girlfriends and spending more time with my family." She also recently signed up for a handwriting-analysis class, something she's always been interested in learning about, "just for fun and to get my mind on something else," she says.
For me, my emotional involvement with John ebbed and flowed for nearly two years. It reached a tipping point when I could no longer ignore the fact that my husband and I were fighting more often, no doubt in part because of my refusal to focus on my marriage and on how my own actions were adding to our growing friction. Like Toni, I eventually decided to share my struggle with my husband, who handled it with incredible grace. The conversation wasn't only about me turning to someone else; we also spoke, perhaps for the first time, about what we really expected and needed from each other. It's a discussion that continues to evolve between us. I still think about John sometimes — and how my relationship with him could have destroyed everything I hold dear. Each day, I make a conscious decision to nurture my bond with my husband first and foremost. And as our relationship grows stronger, I realize I'm getting as good as I give.
Did you know?: 82% of affairs happen with someone who was at first "just a friend," according to noted infidelity researcher Shirley P. Glass.
Are You in an Emotional Affair?
YOU'VE PROBABLY CROSSED THE LINE IF YOU...
* Touch your male friend in "legal" ways, like picking lint off his blazer.
* Pay extra attention to how you look before you see him.
* Think crush-like thoughts like, He'd love this song!
* Tell him more details about your day than you do your partner.
* No longer feel comfortable telling your husband about this person and begin to cover up your relationship.
* Experience increasing sexual tension; you admit your attraction to him but also insist to yourself that you would never act on it.
IT'S ABOUT TO GET PHYSICAL WHEN YOU...
* Find yourself feeling vulnerable and turn to the other man for support rather than to your husband or a trusted relative or girlfriend.
* Accelerate the level of intimacy through sexual or suggestive talk over e-mail or the phone.
* Put yourself in a situation where the two of you could be alone.
TO FORTIFY YOUR MARRIAGE...
* Stay honest with your husband. Share with him all your hopes, triumphs, and failures — as well as your attractions and temptations, which will help keep you from acting on them.
* Make time for just the two of you on a regular basis — away from the kids, your friends, and family.
* Surround yourself with happily married friends who don't believe in fooling around. Having positive, emotionally connected role models will help you stay on track
"READERS REVEAL I KNEW I'D GONE TOO FAR WHEN. . ."
"The guy who I was flirting with regularly over e-mail attended the same event as me and my fiancé. When I introduced them, my face flushed as red as a tomato — I felt embarrassed and guilty about my fiancé meeting this guy, so I knew what I was doing was wrong." —Carolyn, 31, Westfield, NJ
"One drunken night, my best guy friend and I confessed we had always liked each other. He was a perfect gentleman and left my place before we crossed the physical line. The next day I was completely embarrassed and knew that I didn't want to jeopardize the relationship with my boyfriend so I ended the friendship. And now the boyfriend is my husband, so I'm glad I did." —Allie, 29, Yonkers, NY
"The cute tech guy who I'd been flirting with at my office said to me, 'You're not going to invite me in?' after I accepted a ride home from him. I liked the attention of him buying me vending machine snacks and complimenting me, but my husband would've had a holy heart attack if he knew." —Amy, 38, Chicago
"My best guy friend and I were snuggled on his couch underneath a blanket when I realized that neither his girlfriend nor my boyfriend would be happy if they saw us — and that our platonic relationship wasn't as platonic as we thought." —Kim, 35, New Orleans
*Names have been changed.
Great article find by Rebecca (not sure from where so I'll cite when I know). My take on guys with major issues...if you've got the time and energy and really have nothing (or no one) better to do, pursue at your own risk because there's always one in a 1000 that ends up letting go of their crap. But know going in that you should maintain very strong boundaries, and do not, do not, do not give away your heart. Even if your pet project is that one in a 1000 that gets fixed, he'll always know you've seen him at his worst so chances are, you won't get to keep him anyway.
******
Repeat this to yourself one thousand times:
Screwed-up people are not more interesting than people with their heads together. Baggage is not fascinating, romantic, or exciting. It is very, very tiring. Men who are polite and emotionally mature are hot. Learn it, love it, live by it.
Linda
I have no idea whom to blame for the romantic mythology surrounding brooding, emotionally limited, narcissistic yahoos. I’m tempted to chalk it up to movies, where most men who start out as selfish jerks are eventually revealed to be wounded birds of some sort. Or it might be the uglier side of the therapy culture, which tempts you with the idea that these jerks might be amenable to solution, like crossword puzzles.
For whatever reason, there are a surprising number of women who are attracted to guys who can’t commit, who can’t relate, who can’t get along with anyone, who can’t tell the truth… these guys get a lot of action.
It’s not that women really want jerks, exactly. I think it’s a matter of mistaking emotional clutter for emotional complexity. Here’s an analogy: Imagine a messy apartment. You walk in, you survey your surroundings, and there’s an incredible quantity of stuff lying around. Books in tall stacks, Chinese food containers in the corners, DVDs in and out of boxes scattered around the TV… the place is in chaos. And while you wouldn’t really want to live there, there might be some part of you that would look around and grudgingly admit, “There’s a lot going on here.” Now, imagine the same apartment, once somebody has managed to get it cleaned up. The books are on the shelves, the trash is thrown away, the DVDs are alphabetized. This is a much nicer place to live. But it’s a little… you know, boring. And that’s in spite of the fact that the same books are being read, the same food is being eaten, and the same DVDs are being watched. You’re just in the presence of a person who knows how to clean up after himself.
I think that for a lot of women, guys in turmoil seem strangely fascinating, as if they are, by definition, more interesting than everyone else. There’s more of that clutter, so there’s more going on, and there’s more to sink your teeth into, and there’s maybe even more emotional depth to such a person.
Let me tell you something about the guys I know who are emotionally mature. The ranks of the healthy and rational include plenty of guys who have been in rehab, or been divorced, or seen their parents’ marriages end horribly, or had their own dreams thwarted in some ugly way—all the things that creeps are fond of waving around as explanations for why they lie or cheat on you or generally continue to be creeps.
The difference is that the healthy and rational people have at least undertaken the process of digesting all of that stuff and placing it in some sort of perspective so that it doesn’t have to become your problem. They know from suffering, just as much as the ones who sit around brooding into their beers and writing free verse and dragging everyone else into their little theater of agony. The sane ones are still working on their crap, too—who isn’t? The difference is that they’re not fetishizing their own misery or asking you to embrace it. And that’s a benefit to you, because the only thing you can guarantee yourself about that kind of hair-pulling drama is that if you cuddle up next to it, it’ll get on you.
You’re going to get plenty of emotional complications from anyone. Even people who have their lives very well pulled together are going to give you lots of opportunities to practice patience and understanding. There’s no point in starting out with someone who isn’t even trying.
Evan
According to Linda, many intelligent women prefer men with emotional complexities, even if it means that he can be verbally abusive, inaccessible, and generally loonier than Courtney Love on a bender. Now, I can’t speak for all men, but while I may have tolerated similar behavior, I can’t say I’ve ever preferred it. Any time I found myself dating a woman who was an emotional roller-coaster, the only reasons I stuck with her were because a) I was lonely and her presence in my life helped to fill a void or b) I was getting the best sex of my life. Lame, but true.
Put another way: Could you ever picture a man saying out loud, “There’s something that’s just so mysterious about her. Sometimes I look in her eyes and I feel like she totally understands me, and other times, I have no idea what she’s thinking. She runs really hot and cold but I can’t get enough of her. I think I’m going to stick around until I can crack her shell. One day she’ll learn to be more emotionally available and loving.” Tolerance for female ambivalence is not a stereotypically male attribute.
This isn’t at all to castigate women, as much as it is to acknowledge that women see more nuance in every scenario, so it’s no surprise that they give undeserving men the benefit of the doubt. But what for? Hasn’t every woman since the beginning of time had a thing for jerks and realized at some point that jerks were always going to be jerks?
I was the nice guy in high school who enjoyed being friends with cute girls who wouldn’t go out with me in a million years. I figured, “If that’s as close as I can get, I’ll take it. Maybe one day they’ll realize what I’m worth.” I would listen to boy problems galore — essentially, nice girls being treated badly by jerks — and not once did any of these girls ever say: “Hmm, Evan’s a great guy with a really kick-ass mullet. I’ll bet he’d be a wonderful boyfriend.”
But it’s not simply the rejection of the nice guy that’s keeping so many women single. It’s the acceptance of the screwed-up guy. Because screwed-up guys draw screwed-up women into a whole Misery Loves Company episode of Love Connection—where both parties are brought together not by the audience but by their insecurities and inadequacies.
All that “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself” stuff? So true. And if you’re choosing to date guys with major issues, you’re just as guilty as he is. Yes, everybody’s got issues, but not necessarily deal-breaker-type issues. Which is why women often say they’re seeking men who can fit their baggage in a carry-on. Unfortunately, there are lot of men who try to sneak a 75-pound trunk onto the plane and protest that it has wheels so it’s technically a carry-on. Women with issues are the ones who choose these guys.
Women who have their act together simply don’t have the patience. Admittedly, there are a few people who probably enjoy the histrionics and the moods and the make-up sex that come with dating drama kings and queens. But I’d bet that most are just willing to tolerate the drama, because, thus far, that drama comes attached to the “best” person they could find. Essentially, they’re saying, “Yeah, he’s inconsistent, selfish, and distant, but he’s all mine.” Just realize that every second you’re spending with the wrong guy is a second that you’re not out looking for the right one — the guy who gives, the guy who listens, the guy who learns.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
How come there are certain people who come into your life and make you feel so angry, but when you look into your heart and try to find what it really is you want to say to them, you realize it's:
I'M SORRY.
radiating from every fiber of your being. And as soon as those words appear in your head, you feel like you're apologizing not just for the current perceived slight but for some grievance you made in another lifetime that this person has suffered immense hurt from, and all you're begging them for is to forgive you and let you go.
Is karma for real?
I Pathologically Can't Tell a Straightforward Truth
I decided I didn't want to take piano lessons because I feel my instructor has become fascinated with me and it makes me a little nervous. Especially when he's become fond of touching me and massaging my lower back in a friendly fashion during the lesson, and asking a lot of questions about my personal life. I'm also having trouble because he's not teaching in a way that works around my unique sensory perception/memory issue. Our last lesson was very tense, with me being frustrated about the way he was teaching, and also freaked out that he was trying to get into my head.
So I dreaded Tuesday, the day of my lesson more and more, until finally last night I made a decision that I would not go to my piano lesson, even though I forfeit $70 that I'd already prepaid. I would rather lose the money than go. So I realized I had to cancel, but as I started writing an email to my instructor saying that work had just gotten busy so I wouldn't be able to take lessons for a while, I realized that writing all this via email would make it seem suspicious, like I was just afraid of going because last week's lesson was awkward. I knew I would have to call, but then I worried that an excuse of being really busy working overtime might cover not being able to schedule lessons in the short term, but he might ask me to schedule in a couple of months or he might check in with me periodically, thus delaying the ending of this relationship. So I decide that I'm going to tell him that I'm quitting my job which he knows I'm often frustrated with, and that everything is going to be up in the air from now on so I don't want to commit to lessons.
So I call him and I'm so glad to get his answering machine. I start telling the machine how my work situation is really, really up in the air right now because I'm pretty sure I'm going to quit my job by the end of this month because I just can't stand my boss, and so I'm working overtime to finish up all of my current projects so that I can get out of here clean next month. So I'm saying how I just won't be able to make my lesson today or schedule more, he picks up and goes, "Julia? I want to talk to you about this but I can't focus the way I want to because I have a friend here and have to finish up this conversation first. But I'll call you right back."
So we hang up and I think, "Shit." Now I have to keep my story straight AND have to do this whole act from the beginning again.
So he calls me back and I go into my barely contained panic as I tell him that I just can't stay at my job anymore because it's become too ridiculous and how I'm probably going to leave at the end of next month, but I don't know where I'm going to go and if I'm even going to stay in Los Angeles because I can't stand this city either. He tells me it seems like I have a lot going on and I told him that I've been needing to quit this job for a while, and things just came to a head. And how I have two mortgages and I don't know how I'm going to handle those, but I'm just going to do what I need to do, whether I get another job, do some traveling or move out of this city. He tells me that he hopes that I will revisit the lessons at a later time and not to hesitate to let him know if I need anything from him. And then he asks me, "I remember our very interesting conversation during the last lesson, where you divulged some private information about yourself." Oh holy shit, he's bringing it up (I had explained to him how my brain works. How people thought I had problems with my hearing but I realized later in life that I have trouble comprehending spoken word unless I can envision it in writing. So throughout the years, I've developed the ability to hear words, immediately translate them into text and flash them like subtitles so that I can read what was said. That's why people with accents mess me up...I mispell words. Or that's why if your name is something weird that I can't spell, then I can't imagine it as text and I'll never remember your name. Because I never "saw" it and can't retrieve the text when I want to say it. So we had a conversation because he teaches me songs by ear, but won't write them down as sheet music which makes it had for me to memorize without a visual record to go with it). Anyway, I didn't want to talk about it because that lesson had made me uncomfortable, and so I just started talking about how my brother's autistic and maybe my brain is programmed differently so it processes things differently, and it got into this discussion I couldn't get out of. So I would pause, hoping he would wrap up the call, but he would just let the silence hang, until I reiterated that I had a lot going and didn't have room for lessons. This started up another conversation where he found out my age and was telling me that in Chinese, the character for "crisis" is made up of the character for "danger" and the character for "opportunity." This is interesting because I had a feeling of deja vu. I feel like someone was just telling me that, but I don't know whom. So I said again that I would be really busy with so many things up in the air, and then paused, hoping he would wrap up the call, but he just let the silence hang. This time, I as resolute not to be the first to speak and continue this conversation so finally he let me go.
Okay.
Yes, I admit, a stronger person would have just said, hey, I don't want to take piano lessons anymore because I just don't feel like it's working out, or if you're really daring, you can say, I just feel uncomfortable.
Yet, I create this whole emotional event that I'm going through that involves potentially a move out of Los Angeles, maybe some soul-searching, but definitely two mortgages that may or may not get paid but I just have to do this right now because I'm going to kill my boss if I don't, and because of my life being so traumatic and up in the air right now, I can't take piano lessons anymore.
Sometimes when I get really scared, this is how I hide.
I make up crazy stories that could be true in a future or slightly modified reality, just to avoid saying, you made me uncomfortable. You made me scared.
I wonder what's so scary about openly acknowledging someone who has gotten too close to you and scared you. I wonder what happens when you acknowledge someone who is presenting unwanted intimacy.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Into the Concrete Wild
After spending a relaxing week in Hawaii being close to the ocean and feeling all the negative ions from the crashing surf wash my anxieties and worries away, I took off again over the weekend for camping with the Michigan crew.
We went to Lake Perris which is about an hour and a half east of LA, close to Riverside. We were promised swimming, hiking, fishing, etc., but as it is with us, inevitably it turned into mostly eating and drinking.
I carpooled with Rebecca but we ran late because I did such things as leave my pillows, towels, wallet and blackberry-flavored joint at home. The drive over was fun, because it gave Rebecca and I time to bond. As Saturn moves through my 1st house and I discover what it's like to be fearless in an Aries kind of way, I've found that I've been spending time with a lot of Aries, getting to know their outlook on life. Rebecca is a quintessential Aries--strong, open, friendly with a very clean, straightforward no-bullshit energy. We mostly talked about dating, since our exes seemed to have bonded together in creating some kind of bitter wallowing superforce, so it's only natural that we bond together as a we're-the-bigger-people-and-don't-give-a-shit superforce. I found it interesting that she has things she needs to return to her ex, and he asked her to call my ex to coordinate. It just seems weird.
She said she read some study that said that a girl should go through at least 12 relationships before settling down, because that way a woman really knows what she wants in a partner, and has enough experience to better navigate the obstacles. She's had 18 relationships. I've had 10 (I counted ones that weren't really long-term committed relationships per se, but were deep connections where I learned a lot about the other person and myself). I guess I have two more to go, huh? I hate break ups.
We got to Lake Perris and it's this huge lake set within a desert mountain range. The campsite wasn't really a roughing-it site as the driveways were concrete, the bathrooms featured flush toilets and you could drive 5 minutes to a Target Superstore to get anything you may have forgotten. But if you looked at it from a different angle, it kinda looked like the African bush. Kinda.
We set up our tents, trying to avoid the fire ant hills, and Josh set up a hammock between two trees that looked like a human slingshot:
Sareet brought her child (aka dog) who was miserable:
We ate:
And ate:
And drank:
And we learned that we love Maker's Mark and hot dogs:
Mostly we told funny stories about people who weren't there to defend themselves:
At night, the full moon over the mountains and water was incredible, and I stood there staring at it for a while trying to feel the energy of the night. I'm convinced that the energy at night is different from the energy of the day in a way you can physically feel. I recognize that if I give into it, I'm a different person at night than in the day. I'm more open, more myself.
Sitting around the campfire, I tried to watch people and feel out who they are, what things are special about them. Kind of an exercise in appreciation, trying to notice something that I may not have noticed before. Max is an incredible story teller. He's passionate about his ideas, and he's riveting. He told us how he used to work for a VH1 pop-up show, and how his company told them it was okay to make stuff up. So they were doing a segment on how Peter Yarrow from Peter, Paul & Mary was arrested for basically coming on to a 14 year-old girl. He served time in prison, so Max threw in a "fact" that he was raped 17 times in prison. Somehow, this fact got through the people at his company, and got through VH1 even, before the whole segment was scrapped because Peter Yarrow didn't want them to air that bit about his life. He did say that one of his made-up facts did air. They did a segment about James Brown running from the cops (his famous incident was a high-speed car chase that ended in his car upside down in the desert and him standing next to it, high on coke and alcohol, and saying, "Is there a problem, officer?"). Max slipped in a "fact" that James Brown has previously led the police on 5 other chases.
Max is lucky because he's very cerebral and spends a lot of time inside his head, but Sareet takes really good care of him. She's responsible and very nurturing so it's sweet to see how she looks out for him and people in general. She reminds me of a benevolent den mom. She'll make a good soccer mom one day. Not those catty ones that are crazy bitchy competitive, but the kind that always has antiseptic and band-aids, tells even the fat kid that he played really well and really means it, and brings orange slices instead of Ho Ho's because it's better for the kids. She saved my life this weekend with aloe gel.
Amol has a good heart and is really responsible. I think he's privately dealing with feeling like a second-class citizen in his household, because his parents expect that he's a male so he should be able to take care of himself, while his sister gets spoiled. While intellectually, you can say, well, it's because of the culture bias or they expect more out of him, but I think this slight still makes him angry deep down that his parents don't give him an equal amount of support, or that in a way, it means they don't love/protect him as much as another member of the family. He's brought up this disparity a lot. I think a lot of men will rant about things, but they'll cut off their emotional lives because delving too deeply would mean they have to confront things that make them feel sad, hurt, angry, inadequate, etc. and it can feel overwhelming.
There is something eating at Rebecca. Her eyes are somewhere else sometimes. I think it's the uncertainty of her life right now, particularly in terms of career. Mentally, she has most things planned out and she trusts her courage and strength to land her on her feet. I feel like she's resolute not to give the worry and fear any weight, but you can see it in there and it's wrestling with her self-esteem, but she's trying to tackle it head-on. I hope everything works out, and I'll miss her when she moves back to Michigan.
Josh has a really gruff, abrasive exterior to mask that he's a little soft inside, and that softness is a good thing. It's like a glimpse of something tender. He's more considerate than he's willing to admit. I think his emotional meanness allows him to control how close people get to him. We had some good conversations this weekend, and he revealed that he's afraid of zombies, sharks and change, with the last being the most dominant fear. And that in his dreams, he can breathe underwater as long as he covers his nose and mouth with a washcloth.
Kate and JR have an interesting, sweet relationship. JR is very intelligent, accomodating and helpful, but he's very sensitive. Kate has the sensitivity to acknowledge when JR wants some reassurance and she gives it to him, and in turn, he does the little things to make her more comfortable and to take care of her. I don't know the ins and outs or day to day details of their relationship, but I feel it's a delicate emotional balance, but both of them are very sensitive and careful about navigating the inner worlds of the other.
We went to bed early and got up early on Sunday morning. Josh made coffee and I scrambled some eggs with cheese and veggies that came out really well for having been cooked over a firepit. Some people went swimming, but since I had gone swimming the day before and discovered the lake floor to be squishy, I decided to nap instead. It was really relaxing, to be outside and to do nothing.
We all left as the sun was setting, and on the way home, Rebecca and I talked about deep connections and if maybe sometimes deep connections don't last because the energy is too volatile, so whoever you spend your "daytime" self with, the person that you have a more human partnership with and build the rest of your life with (kids, marriage, day-to-day living and rapport),etc. may not necessarily be someone that you have a deep connection with. Like you can have a great partnership with your life partner, but it won't be the same level of those deep karmic connections because these inherently are too volatile and you can't build a strong house on this volatile connection. We talked about secret lives and how people have a public face and a private face. I told her that I totally think I'm going to be one of those people who has a secret life, where I have a house or apartment somewhere that no one knows about, and just periods of time where only I know what I'm doing or where I am. For some reason, privacy/secrecy is really important to me, because I feel like without it, someone can control me, or "catch" me. I admitted to her that I think there's only one person I'm ultimately looking for. That there may be many people who can fill this role for me out there, but at the end of the day, there is only one seat next to me, and whoever sits here will be the one I show my whole self to. I feel like many people have seen various parts of me, many people have seen enough of me to have a good idea of who I am, but there are parts of me that are very contradictory that no one has seen. Many have seen a lot, no one has seen all. And I have never given my heart away, because I don't know how to put down my defenses. As Colin says, I don't have a wall in front of me, I have a maze. And that maze has a way of leading people into dead-ends, so whoever someday finds me had better be smart and be able to see larger pictures. I think of it like Excalibur...I hope someday to meet someone with enough courage to be able to pull that sword out of the stone and open up my heart. And in turn, I will give that person unquestioning devotion. I really hope that person is a good person, but I feel like deep down, I'll know.
When Rebecca dropped me off, I said to her, "Enjoy your shower." As it came out of my mouth, I realized it was a strange thing to say to another woman, but for being as dirty and dusty as we all were, I felt like showering was going to be an amazing experience.
Monday, July 30, 2007
I *Heart* Late Fees
I have a problem. I can't return a video on time. I thought I would solve the problem by getting Netflix, and sometimes I'm crazy obsessed with Netflix efficiency, where I'll time how long it will take me to watch something and how quickly I can get it in the mail to get another one, so the rental-fee value of the number of DVDs I've watched surpasses the monthly Netflix cost. But then at some point, I'll fall into my Netflix K-hole where I'll hold the same DVD's for 6 months because I just can't drum up enough interest to watch them. During this time, I'll also rent movies from the Hollywood Video which is a 10 minute walk/2 minute drive from my house. The problem is that 9 out of 10 movies I rent will be returned late. Sometimes it's just a day late. Sometimes it's 2 months. Sometimes it literally takes me 2 months to watch a movie in 15 minute increments (this always does films a disservice because inevitably, I'll recall these films as being "boring," even though I recognize the manner in which they were viewed may have contributed to my inability to become immersed in the experience). Sometimes I watch the film right away, but just can't bring myself to remember or physically make the effort to bring the video back. Sometimes I don't even watch it. Like the $40 I paid Hollywood Video in late fees last year for Alice in Wonderland which I never even watched.
I admitted this problem to someone I knew a few years ago and he said that not being able to return movies on time is an actual symptom of a psychological issue. "Like being a serial killer?" I ask, thinking about the dude from American Psycho. No wait, he was obsessed with returning his videos on time.
When I finally returned Sexy Beast after needing two calls from a live rep at Hollywood Video asking me nicely, I started thinking about that conversation I had years ago and wondering what it was that made it so hard for me to return my videos on time. I mean, if I've already watched the movie, and the store is so close, and I'm in fact at the Starbuck's next door five days a week...why can't I make that extra little effort to return a freakin' video? Why do I get so freaked out when I then have a massive late fee often worth more than the DVD itself?
I did some research and this is what I found:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/30/business/30instincts.html?ex=1325134800&en=a46c0c7842abc8f3&ei=5090&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss
http://www.hbs.edu/research/pdf/07-099.pdf
Somewhere in all this, I need to find out why I irrationally procrastinate in this realm, and how to overcome it, because I'm sure Hollywood Video would appreciate it if I could just be a better person.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Doug J. Koonz Jr., Age 43, Certified Accountant and Father of Three, Pushes a Complete Stranger Into the Path of an Oncoming Train
downtown in the summer swelter
men in black suits
impropriety in shade and dress
jagged-eyed pushers with
mouths full of teeth
braking for the scent of submission
the subways packed by sundown
back alley whispers
smells that invade and pry away good senses
auras like paint swirling down rusted drains
lost.
trying to get out is hard work
you may as well stay
you may as well stay
he threw his life away
all his eggs in someone else’s basket
said to himself
dreams are but an immaculate memory
a consolation for lack of inertia
a voice inside interrupted,
do something. before you disappear
the urgency was palpable.
his mother always said
he never was one who could make his own decisions
until the tracks called out to him
begged
widening its gaping mouth of insolent need
his own eyes reflecting the only answer he knew
who was he not to be generous?
From Overworked & Underfucked:
George of the (Pubic) Jungle
I will now leave the room as you laugh yourself silly.
i've realized that this is me:
my mind is the strongest
but my heart is the most developed
and my ego is that little brother that wants to fight everyone and needs to gain maturity.
i think right now i am learning how to discipline my ego, to be a bigger person, to take the high road, and to put my ego aside, even when it's wounded, and try to reach out and communicate.
no matter what other people do, at least you know that you were a big person, and that a wounded ego never killed anyone.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Here's what I realized.
My favorite thing about traveling, is coming home.
Having a newfound appreciation of your surroundings and your life.
Being able to look at things with new perspective and fully appreciate them.
Every relationship...friendships, romantic partnerships...should go through a period of separation, where each person discovers new things on their own that they can come back and share with each other.
I really opened up myself this week to the answers, the ones I've been afraid to see.
The key is to confront your fear.
Right around my birthday, I made a list of things I'm afraid of, without really being fully conscious of them. Ever since my birthday, I've been fearlessly tackling them one by one. It's not even a conscious thing. It's like I'll do something and I'm totally comfortable with it, and then I'll realize, hey, weren't you afraid to do that? It's pretty fucking wicked. It cracks me up.
Like talking to my boss yesterday. I talked to him the way I would talk to an idiot boyfriend who can't be responsible, and you're just fed up trying to talk to him like an adult. I would have never thought I had it in me because of my fear of authority, but I guess I did. Today he was all nice and accommodating when I got to the office, an hour and a half late. Whatever.
And surfing. Just weeks ago I was talking about how I was afraid of the ocean. I always freak out about having my legs in the water because I can't see what's going on down there. The thing is, Hawaii was probably the safest place for me to conquer that fear because the water is so shallow and clear. Surfing was a blast. I had no fear and felt like I'd been doing it my entire life but had just forgotten how. I think that was what turned my instructor on, that I just wasn't afraid and didn't want to stop or rest. Afterwards, I was sitting on my hotel balcony in the darkness, I realized I hadn't been scared at all and had basically resolved some of my fear of the ocean.
Here's the funniest thing. I was walking around the luau and thinking about how good I was feeling about confronting my fears, and how maybe I should try skydiving. I was weighing my fear when my aunt, who was walking next to me, suddenly said, "Have you ever tried skydiving?" I looked at her, surprised, and said, "I was just thinking that!" The weird thing was, she didn't even follow up or explain the question. She just kept walking in silence.
I am learning to confront my fear of letting go. That it's okay if people love me but I don't want to commit to them or devote myself to just them. I'm coming to terms with my overwhelming feeling of obligation that I have to take care of them. I'm learning that it's okay to be free and you don't have to feel guilty.
I think I'm reluctant to commit to one person because I have so many unexpected deep connections with people, that if I committed to one person, I would feel like I'm an inherently dishonest or disloyal person knowing that these connections are out there and I never know when it's going to happen. And my mind and upbringing gave me such a strong code of honor, that it breaks my heart to think that I could betray another human being, or more accurately, that another human being might feel that I have betrayed him. I want to be able to look someone in the eye and say that I will absolutely be faithful to you, and know that I am sure. That no one else in this world matters more to me but you. I am capable of that depth, and as scary as it feels sometimes, I know that I have it in me to devote myself to one person and it's a powerful, transformational thing. It makes me scared that I can't yet. That I've never trusted anyone enough to feel that I can. I feel like I just haven't met the right person yet who didn't eventually become afraid to connect deeply. A side note, I don't think this person is a her, even though women have expressed love for me. I've never been physically involved with another woman in any way because it gets as much internal response from me as the thought of getting involved with an immediate family member, and I'm just totally turned off by the thought of having sex with a woman; I know I can't be in an intimate relationship without having someone that I feel sexually comfortable with, which has been some of my issues with men. I want to go really deep, but to do that requires a great deal of trust. Trust takes time and mutual willingness and openness to build up. But so many people get scared, because true intimacy is a powerful and amazing thing, but you do have to be completely and utterly vulnerable. Naked. Defenseless. All you can do is pray that the other person is a good person who will be gentle and careful to not hurt you.
I get close to so many people, never more than one at a time, and what it is between us is like a secret we're afraid to tell anyone about, or don't know how to tell anyone about. It's like there's a moment where a complete stranger looks at you, and something in their head clicks and you see it in their eyes. It's as if they say, this is crazy but...do i know you? And maybe you dance around each other, feel each other out, maybe put on masks based on who you think the other person might want to see. But at some point you meet up in a secret, private place and mutually experienced a moment of complete vulnerability, where you are exactly who you are, and there's actually another person who is seeing it. It's like electricity when it happens. But you can never hang on to it because it's so volatile. I always think of Nikola Tesla, when he first realized the power of electricity, this powerful secret that he managed to successfully share with the world despite all the knuckleheaded ignorance of people around him. How many people have experienced this? Why aren't we all doing it? What amazes me is the power of what can happen between two people who are truly connected. It's a whole other level.
I made a grown man pensive at the bar this week.
I had just written something I was very happy with, and was filled with all that excited good feeling of having been able to output something honest. I realized I hadn't gone out at all at night this entire trip because I've been so exhausted, so I wanted to go out and check out a bar. I went to the Yardhouse because they've got good beer on tap. I was really hoping they had this lemon lager from a brewery in Oregon that I really love (they didn't). Plus it was within walking distance and I preferred to walk. When I got there, the vibe was weird so I set my objective as seeing if I could have one beer without someone talking to me. I just wanted to sit and feel the place in peace. I put out my most unapproachable vibe, got a snakebite and became mesmerized by the extreme videos. Something about all the physical activities this week, the surfing and the kayaking, made me really appreciate extreme videos. Or I was so exhausted I was mildly high, but they totally titillated my brain. So my beer was my hourglass...when I'm done, I'm out. I was having fun watching the videos but I wasn't really loving the place either, so I wasn't nursing the beer. I was almost done when some guy asked if he could sit next to me. My eyes never really left the screen but I note he had dark hair, was about late 30's, early 40's, decent looking guy with some wear and tear, standard bar fixture, who can get the older women who are really drunk. Not for me. Beer check--about 4 oz left. I never look him in the eyes. I'm not rude or cold, just not engaged.
Guy: So I noticed you're here by yourself.
Me: Yep.
Guy: Most girls would be weird about going out by themselves.
Me: Not me.
Guy: Yeah, I'm okay with going out alone, too. I don't...worry about that stuff.
He fiddles with the label on his beer.
Guy: Are you here on vacation?
Me: Yep.
Guy: I'm here for a wedding. Not mine.
Fiddles.
Guy: My daughter's actually.
Me: Yeah?
Guy: I just found out about a week ago.
Me: You just found out about your daughter getting married a week ago?
Guy: Yeah.
Me: That sucks.
Guy: Why?
Me: You'd think she'd give you more of a heads up. Do you like the guy?
Guy: I don't know. I just met him.
Me: I take it they didn't ask for your permission, huh?
Guy: I guess he seems like a nice guy. He's totally getting rolled over though. My daughter's a really hard person to deal with.
Me: That won't last.
Guy: You don't think?
Me: Yeah. That guy's going to wake up one day and realize she doesn't even like him and he'll realize he can do better.
Guy: Yeah, I can definitely see that. She can be a real bitch. This is her second marriage.
Me: How old is she?
Guy: 24. She just picked up one day and moved out here. I don't know what she's doing out here. Waitressing or something.
Me: She must be working out her dad issues.
Guy: What do you mean?
Me: It sounds like she's working out her dad issues.
Guy: How do you know that?
Me: You said she's a real bitch. Why would someone want to live their life being mean to other people, especially people close to them? They're angry and they're lashing out at people who are vulnerable. She probably rejects herself deep down.
Guy: So it would have been different if I had been around more.
Me: Fathers sometimes don't hug their daughters enough.
Guy: So I didn't hug her enough.
Me: Something.
Guy: Yeah, I married her mom too young. I wasn't really in her life enough.
Me: There you go. She's probably on some level getting back at you and dealing with her anger by torturing men who want to love her.
Guy: So it's my fault.
Me: Well, it is what it is. This is her life challenge to get through, so she'll make the same mistakes over and over until she decides she doesn't want to make them anymore. Or maybe she won't.
He's quiet for a bit.
Guy: Did your dad hug you enough?
Me: I hug myself enough.
Guy: Where are you from?
Me: Los Angeles.
Guy: I'm from Pomona. Do you know where that is?
Me: Yes.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I work in tech. It's boring and not worth talking about.
Guy: Oh.
He fiddles with his beer.
Guy: I work at Disneyland. I do all of their repairs and maintenance on their machines. That's kind of techy.
Me: That's cool.
Guy: Yeah, I like it. Don't know if I wanna do it forever though.
Me: You've got things you'd rather be doing?
Guy: Yeah, I've got some things.
Me: Then you should be doing them.
Guy: Yeah, I should.
Me: When's your birthday?
Guy: August 20th. When's yours?
Me: June 14th.
We sit in silence for a while. I'm watching a skier take the nastiest tumble off a cliff.
Guy: Did you ask me because of that astrology stuff? Were you asking me what my sign was? I'm a Leo.
Me: I know.
Guy: What are you?
Me: Gemini. Don't believe everything you read about us. Some of us are deeper than others.
Guy: Do you believe in that stuff?
Me: The horoscopes in the newspapers, those are bullshit. It has to do with not only what day you were born, but the time as well. It's like a blueprint of your potential. We all choose the life that we come into.
Guy: What do you mean?
Me: You chose your family, you chose what obstacles in life you would be dealing with and even now, you can choose to do whatever you want to do with your life. The only thing that holds you back is fear, or this idea that your life is set by something or someone else.
Guy: Yeah, I'm feeling that. There's a lot I wanna be doing but I'm just not sure I'm ready yet. Last month I was offered this one opportunity, in terms of work, but I wasn't sure if I should take it because I didn't know if I was ready to leave my job. I'm making money I'm comfortable with, but it doesn't really fulfill me.
Me: Do you feel like this other opportunity opens up a whole new avenue for your life that you've always been afraid to pursue?
Guy: Yeah.
Me: Then you should do it.
Guy: I've been thinking a lot about it, now that you mention it.
Me: You're also going through a Saturn conjunct Sun, which means that you've got an opportunity to achieve all the things that you want, all the things that would make your ego happy. You just have to take risks and put in the work. You have a chance to live the life that would make you proud, and you've got this door that's only open for a few weeks longer where making a life change would be easier, so if there are things that you know will make you happy, you've gotta take the leap before it gets more difficult. If there are things that don't make you happy or hold you back, dump them now. There's nothing worse than being disappointed with the life you chose, because it means you did it to yourself.
Guy: It's so strange that we're talking about this because this is exactly what I've been going through the last month. I've noticed that a lot of people who bring me down, friends who ask for a lot from me but don't really give back, I've been kicking them out of my life. Like, I just decided that I'm better off without them. And I was dating this girl and I knew I didn't want to be with her, so I finally ended it.
Me: Yeah, that's the stuff that happens. You're going to start realizing all the things that are keeping you back, and you're either going to start getting restless, or you're going to deny that you could be doing more for your life, and then let it haunt you later on. Wouldn't you rather be excited about waking up each morning?
The guy's looking at me and out of the corner of my eye, I can see that his eyes are really excited. He's antsy, like he wants me to look at him and get more involved in this conversation, but I won't. Eye contact is intimate.
Guy: How do you know this stuff is real?
Me: What?
Guy: How do you do it? Like what are you calculating that makes you believe in this stuff, that you're sure it's true?
Me: Look at it this way. I've been studying this stuff all my life. I can look at someone and break them up into various complementary and conflicting symbols, and know the range and area of a person's life or personality that each symbol stands for. It's about human potential and how each person moves within the continuum of their potential in various areas of themselves. And look at this. I don't know you right?
Guy: Right.
Me: I don't know your name, I don't know who you really are. You will probably...no...you will NEVER see me again. I'm a complete stranger. But all of a sudden, you walk up to me and the strangest thing is what I'm saying makes sense to you and what you're going through right now.
Guy: Yeah, I just walked over because I thought you were cute, but what you're saying makes sense because it's exactly what I've been going through lately. I've never had a conversation like this.
Me: Then there's probably a reason why you walked up to me in this bar and started talking to me, and why I'm saying these things. I don't usually talk like this with everyone that walks up to me in a bar. Maybe the universe wanted you to hear something, or wanted to give you a push. Look, this happens to me a lot. I'll go to some random place and someone will talk to me, and we're talking about random shit, but for some reason, it makes sense to both of us. And we don't even know each other or what we're talking about, until we walk away and look back and say, hey, that was a pretty random but significant conversation. Every one of these connections has something to give and teach and something to learn and receive. So whatever I'm saying to you, if it makes sense, take it for what it's worth. If you get weirded out, then just chalk it up to midnight in a bar.
He nods and keeps staring. I can feel his leg tapping his chair, increasingly anxiously.
Guy: Who are you?
I finish my beer in one gulp, then turn and make eye contact with him for the first time. I smile.
Me: I'm just a girl who goes to bars.
I tell him I'm going to the bathroom then leaving. When I walk out later, I see him sitting at the bar, his back slumped and his eyes far away, completely lost in space.
Some might say I'm an asshole because I'm fucking with people's heads. I don't know. I don't think I'm trying to mess with their heads as much as be a catalyst for change. Sometimes when I'm tired, I get tired of having to maintain a pretense, a mask, so all I say is the truth, what I see, what I feel, what I believe. I'm especially like this when I'm high because it's like I'm not allowed to be anything but honest. But there's never manipulation behind it, where I'm trying to get something I want out of it. I just say the first honest thing that comes out of my head, and sometimes, it makes sense to the other person. I don't think I'm psychic. I think all of us can read people just by really listening to them and seeing them, but most people don't try because they don't really listen to or see themselves. I think it's very clear that 90% of people are not fulfilling their full potential. Sometimes you just have to remind them that if there's something they want to do, why not try. Why not attempt freedom and success?
Sareet and I had an interesting conversation today. She said that she doesn't believe in fear of success, that it's really just a fear of failure. I said that fear of success is really fear of getting your hopes up and then failing. Some people have gone through so much disappointment in their lives, that they're terrified to hope they are more, that their lives can be better. I can't say that I, myself, am exempt from this prison, this shackling fear. But I'm trying. I'm really trying. And sometimes, by helping others push off and reach towards their potential, it shows me that it's possible so that I can strive for the same. I've never thought I was smarter or stronger or wiser than other people. I'm just good at seeing perspectives. And I hope that with my gift of objectivity and perspective, that by watching people change and expand, it helps me understand how I can navigate my own potential.
Megan Mullally of Will & Grace fame has a website called Supreme Storytelling. She basically poses a topic and people submit. I submitted an edited down version of my crush list that I blogged a few years back, under the topic, "Most Inexplicable Crush."
I can't remember if I came up with the title, "To All the Men I've Crushed Before" or if they came up with it for me, but I like all the implications of the title, except for the one that makes me seem really, really fat.
Here's my story.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
I got pissed off at my boss today. I'm vacationing in Hawaii, yet I've got strong enough work ethic to check in and make sure my customers are taken care of, checking in on work email and responding to people who need assistance. The one thing that my accounts love about me is whatever they need, I get it to them promptly. I take customer service and satisfaction very seriously, which is why I'm the newest salesperson but I'm already one of the top salespeople. One customer is having a big issue because one of our salespeople looks like he made an under the table offer to their partner, and it's screwing up their deal with this company. So I got a panicked email from him saying he feels like there's more than one story floating around and he feels like he's caught in the middle of our own office politics. This is not good. I called my boss to let him know that this is something he has to take care of, but the guy is so non-confrontational and a terrible manager. So here I am, on my vacation, letting him know that we have a customer who is unhappy, a customer who also represents a huge amount of potential business. So what does he do? He tells me to just tell the customer that he must be mistaken and to not worry about it. I tell my boss, no, that's not going to cut it. We need to clear this up on our side first so we don't lose this guy's trust that our company is stable, because nothing makes a company look more unstable than a lack of internal communication, inconsistent policies and internal backstabbing. So my boss gets flustered and tells me to deal with it, and I straight up tell him he needs to talk to the other salesperson to find out what he told his customer, and find out if he's cutting a deal under the table, so I can go back to my customer with a definitive response. So my boss gets mad and says, fine, I'll talk to him, with a tone like I just told him he's gotta go clean his room. I asked him if he could keep me updated so I could keep the customer in the loop and he gets mad and says, I'll call you when I'm ready, I have your number. And hangs up.
Let's keep in mind that this is the same guy, when he gets stressed, if you come up to him and let him know about an issue that needs to be taken care of, he'll stare out the window and not acknowledge you until you walk out of his office. He actually told his assistant that's his strategy for when he doesn't want to hear things he doesn't want to deal with. It's completely bizarre.
I'm sick of this shit. I'm on fucking vacation. I'm taking care of business, because I handle all of my boss' accounts so he can dick around and only come into the office 2 days a week while he hangs out with his daughters and takes them to Disneyland, acting like he's semi-retired. So when he talks to me like he's doing me a favor when I ask him to actually manage our office, it drives me crazy. Why am I helping this guy make his life so ideal, while it's like pulling the teeth of a tantrum-throwing little boy when it's time for him to take responsibility of our office? I know I can't do anything about what other people do, only what I do. I'm starting to think I need to stop backing down when I'm unhappy and wanting to leave this job, but they throw a little bit more money at me, and I back down. My mom overheard everything today and said, your boss is a terrible manager because he didn't earn the company's success, he was given his position by his older brother (our president). So he's a terrible manager and he avoids responsibility, but you have to ask yourself, why would you want to work for someone like that? But he knows he can act like that, because as soon as you get fed up, he throws a little bit of money at you and you quiet down. That's your fault.
Yeah, it's my fault. More and more, if I can be bought out for money, it makes me a whore. I think I have to leave. It's the only thing to do for me to respect myself.
"There is a time in every man's education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried. Not for nothing one face, one character, one fact, makes much impression on him, and another none. This sculpture in the memory is not without preestablished harmony. The eye was placed where one ray should fall, that it might testify of that particular ray. We but half express ourselves, and are ashamed of that divine idea which each of us represents. It may be safely trusted as proportionate and of good issues, so it be faithfully imparted, but God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. A man is relieved and gay when he has put his heart into his work and done his best; but what he has said or done otherwise, shall give him no peace. It is a deliverance which does not deliver. In the attempt his genius deserts him; no muse befriends; no invention, no hope."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self Reliance
