Honey now if I'm honest
I still don't know what love is
Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled
And now the foodgates cannot hold
All my sorrow all my rage
A tear that falls on every page

Maybe I oughtta mention
Was never my intention
To harm you or your kin
Are you so scared to look within
The ghosts are crawling on our skin
We may race and we may run
We'll not undo what has been done
Or change the moment when it's gone

Meet me on the other side...

(David Gray)

:(

You guys want to know a really funny activity that I've been doing that's a little bit messed up, but I can't stop?

I love going to match.com when I'm bored, typing in my hometown's zip code and the age range of my peer group and trying to see if I find anyone I know. Inevitably, I do and I gleefully revel in the fact that they're posting personal ads. Then I point and laugh at their grammatical errors. Then I cry for hours, curled up in a fetal position at the bottom of my shower because I live a sad, sad life.

FEARFUL THOUGHT OF THE MORNING: IS LOVE A FARCE?

I went to the chiropractor once and he explained to me the phenomenon of tickling. Being tickled is actually an extremely uncomfortable experience that raises anxiety in a human being, but the brain doesn't quite know how to classify the signals it creates. It recognizes that the signals it receives don't exactly fit into the "pain," category so it assigns a very ambivalent "pleasure" even though instinctually, when a person is tickled, her instinctual body responses are to get away from the stimuli.

I wonder if being in love is a similar phenomenon. Because, as I've realized, to truly love is to be selfless. You have no control when you're in love. You're just completely open and you'll give the other person anything. But is anyone really happy that way? Because that's what love is, and if you truly know what it means to love, then you will know what it means to give without necessarily receiving back. I think the people who are actually happy are those who love half-assed. They think they love, but really, they maintain some control and are monitoring what they receive back. They don't completely give of themselves, and therefore, they have everything to gain and not much to lose. I think we've all been led to believe that love is bliss, but love is actually somewhat uncomfortable. But we strive for it, and want it so badly when in truth, I don't think anyone who gives 100% is truly happy. They're just saints.

So in truth, maybe love is like being tickled. We attach it to feelings of joy when in fact, it doesn't exactly make us very comfortable or happy. Maybe we should all stick with infatuation and pretend love. It's a lot safer and a happier experience.

Love is weird. Do we truly love anything or anyone? What is the difference between infatuation and love? Love is selfless. Infatuation is selfish. That's a great definition. But it's all relative to how we each define it. How much you love and how you show it is a sign of your individuality. No one else will ever be the same. And if you expect the same form and level of expression, you're a narcissist and will never be happy with another human being.

Dating a narcissist is the most unfulfilling experience you can have. Because they don't have room in their hearts for anyone but themselves. And what they give you, is actually more about the fact that THEY are giving it to you, than an actual act of kindness, giving and selflessness (sacrifice). Someone once described the Narcissist's Dance to me. First they put you on a pedestal and worship you. And then when they find out that you don't fit their EXACT idea of PERFECTION, they knock you down, shatter you, and do an angry tantrum dance as they smash all your broken pieces. This describes what a narcissist once did to me. And I will hate him forever.

My advice for anyone I love would be: never be with someone who gives less than what you give. Because I will guarantee that you will never be happy.

I think good people who truly know what love means are always going to be unhappy because there just aren't enough people who understand what love truly means.

Words look funny if you look at them long enough. So do people. Have you ever stared into someone else's eyes for a really long time? It's interesting. I find that I'm always looking into people's eyes when I talk to them. And afterwards, I sometimes forget what they look like, or can't conjure up their entire face in my mind. It's more prevalent the closer I am to the person. Like I can never remember what the person that I like or am dating looks like. But I know what's in their eyes and behind them. It's a little bit disturbing. I should start taking drugs so I at least have an excuse for my weirdness.

Well, first I would say "come again." But then I would laugh because I said, "come."

(Peter, Family Guy)

Your Honor:

so i was sitting in a pink ford focus on the way to the happiest little gay bar in town with my peppy blonde ex-cheerleader not-really friend, kerri at the wheel. the speakers throbbed sugar ray track three on repeat as her mouth went on and on about how: everywhere she goes, hotties (aka "hot men") are always giving her the look (hungry) and asking her out and she just doesn't know what to do about it since *sigh* she's been dating nonstop since, like, forever and she just feels like she wants to take some time off and, you know, find herself. being that i'm going through a six-month (plus or minus two years) dry spell with the last recorded stir of sexual subactivity ending in the theft of my three favorite pairs of black nylons and a polite twelve-page letter detailing my physical flaws, i did what (at the time) the situation naturally seemed to call for.

i backhanded her.

What is it about being with you that makes me feel like I'm collapsing from the inside out?

How is it that I can feel lonelier when I'm around people, to the point that the only way that I can feel better is to go off and be alone?

I was in such a funk today. I woke up and felt so lonely. The world suddenly felt so big, and somehow, made me feel hollow and empty. Like I was raining on the inside. I'm wondering if I expect too much from the world and that no matter what, my existence will always involve disappointment. In a way, I feel like I'm emotionally high-maintenance but I don't know if there are people out there in the world who can give me all the affection and care that I need. I'm such a disgusting puppy. Sometimes I wonder if everyone feels this way but just doesn't admit it. Yes, I have cried myself to sleep in the past. There. I admitted it.

I sent out an email to Maryland Brian, the guy I was in love with in college but could not get it together for. A part of me has never let him go because he's such a good guy. He's married now. But I think I still hang on to it because I cared about him then completely went out of my way to destroy it. It doesn't matter whether there was anything there, if it would have worked, etc. I don't want anything romantic with him; I just have good associations with him because he's such an upstanding guy. The biggest thing is that I think I still feel horrified about what I will do to keep something from working. Something that might feel good to me. For someone who understands people so well objectively, I have some serious issues about relating to people.

I've realized that I can't deal with disappointment. I HATE it when people say they'll do something or go somewhere with me, and then I get my hopes up, but then they cancel for no good reason (ie they didn't feel like going anymore). I get so hurt and angry because it was stupid of me to get my hopes up and I feel like people really don't care about me. You have to realize that I don't talk about these things to anyone so most people probably don't realize what a big baby I am. But it hurts and I never tell people because I'm embarrassed about it and I think it's disgusting and needy. And then I don't want them to realize that these things can hurt me, or that I care. Then I decide that I don't want to be around people anymore because it only leads to disappointment. And I go about withdrawing like crazy. What the fuck is wrong with me.

I think I need to be alone for a little while. I know this is part of my reject-others-so-they'll-reject-you-and-you'll-never-get-hurt-again thing, but right now, I just need to be alone.