Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Oh Katie!!



Excerpt from Hot Gossip in the Entertainment section of MSN today:

The PDA- and PR-loving pair shook off the chill on Friday, when they landed in Miami to spend some time with Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, who costarred with Cruise in "Collateral."

Once again, People has all the details, reporting that the foursome enjoyed dinner together Friday night before hitting a South Beach hotspot, where they hung out into the wee hours as Holmes "kept her arms around" Cruise and hugged him from behind as they exited (a patented and much-photographed move we like to call the "rear Katie").


*********************

The Rear Katie: When you pay a woman $5million+ over 5 years and artificially inseminate her in the name of martians-fearing pseudo-religion in a desperate attempt to mask your flagrant homosexuality, then have her cling to you like a PR-oozing backpack in public for gratuitous photo ops.

Not to be confused with:

The Rusty Trombone: The act of performing anal cunnilingus while reaching up above the testicles to manually administer quick up and down motions to the penile shaft, resulting in a violent yet pleasant explosion.

I've been tossing and turning for 8 nights straight. There's something in the peripheral of my mind that I can't quite convince to materialize...some memory...some taste of the past...I've been pretending not to be watching it in hopes it'll step out of the shadows...but it just glides seamlessly around the edges...old songs on the radio just flare up that itch. Why are we born into a web of logic that doesn't allow us to see our accumulated pasts? I bet it's something simple, like the abrupt smell of an infant morning in some distant life when I woke up to find that for a one ephemeral second, everything suddenly made sense.


After finishing a nice Toni Kukoc inbound alley-oop, Bucks forward Andrew Bogut got help celebrating his winning shot from Jermaine Jackson, left, Mo Williams and Jiri Welsch. The Bucks beat the Spurs, 109-107, in overtime.

Did anyone see this game? Bogut was AWESOME. He also had a flop under the basket that gave Duncan a phantom foul that was worthy of a Ginobili.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Interesting subject but what the hell is this essay about? The guy's conclusions and reasoning are idiotic, unfocused, unsupported and unprofessionally personal.

"The impact on the narcissistic Black ego that has used the white woman (instead of God) to compensate for his underlying feelings of inadequacy is to increase his sense of rejection and associated rage."

Instead of God? Is this really objective discourse?

For the white woman, possession of the Black man subconsciously serves to commemorate the defeat of the white man's mortal enemy. The object of her true love and desire is the white man. Once the Black man submits to her she sees him as weaker than the white man, who will never submit to her. At this point she taunts the Black man with the white man.

Look on myspace. The stereotypical "white girls who love black guys" (outside of a healthy appreciation of their attractiveness or a desire for adult compatibility) are the ones who have low self-esteem, take provocative pictures flaunting a forced promiscuity and a desperate need to be desired by men who symbolize ultimate masculinity who will either debase them or be "tamed" by the girl's desirability. They have no sense of empowerment whatsoever that would allow them to recognize a man submitting to her, nor any way to truly obtain that sort of power balance, giving away any power or respect they might be able to obtain. These girls are not respected and are regarded as whores by the black guys they chase (Exhibit A: One black college basketball player on Myspace who had plenty of said girls commenting on his website claimed his hobbies were--basketball, fucking, finding out why white chicks love that black dick). Another reason a woman who is more empowered but seeks out black men solely because they are black men is that she is looking for a higher level of masculinity due to disappointment with her perceived impotence of white men (ie their fathers). There can be many theories or arguments made, but I really don't think white woman chase black men in an effort to prove they are weaker than white men, or to show their superiority. I think when a white girl chases black men for something beyond appreciating them or having individual compatibility with someone who happens to be black reveals more the insecurities and psychological flaws of the the white woman than a perceived weakness in the black man.

Regardless, poorly written essay. How the hell does this guy have a PhD?

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Courtesy of the Magnificent Lengli:

Google the phrase "(Your name) looks like" and find the best one from the first page of results. Don't forget to put it in quotes, otherwise it won't work. Add yours to the bottom of the list and repost this.

1. Paul looks like hed be at home at an Upper East Side yuppie bar.
2. Rhonda looks like she has a sore ass too.
3. JP looks like the last five minutes of a porno flick--one big blur.
4. Billy looks like he should be on a skateboard, but instead he's in the basement stuffing recycled, shredded paper into plastic bags that fill endless boxes of Worm-A-Roos awaiting shipment (the paper goes to the worms, too).
5. Although Howie looks like a square, he knows the language of the streets and regularly delivers homeboy come-ons.
5. Nick looks like he's been hangin' with Tara Reid or something. He is a geekwad.
7. Spencer looks like the lead character in the musical play "Springtime for the Caliphate."
8. Sylvia looks like shes trying to emulate Angela from My So Called Life9.Chad looks like a cross between a beaten up Michael Bolton and Twisted Sister's Dee Snider on a bad day.
10. Sandie, looks like you have been elevated to Impressive Mortal.
11. Val looks like she just seen My massive man stick. *(copied directly, do not hold me accountable for shoddy grammar)
12. Christine looks like a demented vampire about to feed.
13. [Queen] Bess looks like a hotel bar, with its entrance similar to the downtown, city hotels seen in numerous Hollywood movies, but once inside you'll soon see there are no lobbies, grand staircases and grouchy concierges to deal with.
14. erika-erika looks like a good potential binibining pilipinas candidate and contenderfor the miss universe crown.
15. Sarah looks like a jockey in training with a Prince Valiant haircut.::::Attention::::The following two quotes clearly explain my dichotomy-b.
16a. Brian looks like a ghost of his former selfashen-faced and hollow-eyed, with the huge metal brace that holds his shattered pelvis together sticking out of his battered body like a pair of handlebars.
16b. brian looks like something straight out of medieval times. all he needs is some tights, a white horse, a floppy hat with a feather, a trumpet, and should start every comment with "hear ye, hear ye"::::Attention::::mine too-M.
17a. Little Matthew looks like an angel (and, from the hospital photo, like he has giant hands).
17b. Matthew looks like a total douche.
18. Stephanie looks like Jose Canseco...luckily for me that's NOT TRUE!!! I'm much more buff than that guy.
19.... Well, I know someone that is cuter Don't know what's Pablo looks like, buthe can't be prettier, no cause it's impossible. novalee. ...
20- nicole looks like your grandma
21 - Johnny looks like a nice verison of Anna Wintour in drag
22-what i need is to know if people think that Helen looks like a fish so she will stop thinking she is good looking.
23 janet looks like shes about to do something very naughty with the sparkler
24. Lauren looks like she's heard about smiling but isn't sure of the technique
25. Sean looks like the olympic representative from the planet of the apes.
26a.- "the sexual appeal in doing a black man is uuuuugh, Mr. Pete looks like a chimp when he fucks"
26b.- John looks like he's doing a dopey dance, Keith looks like he's doing one too, and Pete looks like a woman.
27 -- I look like im ready to kill and caty looks like "COOL ITS A GUN!"
28. Emily looks like trouble.
29. Zack looks like a younger, tougher Brad Pitt who's spent a couple nights sleeping behind a dumpster.
30. Samantha looks like she's auditioning for a role as a porn star, or at least as a hooker who just stepped off the Greyhound bus in NYC and needs to raise fast cash quickie pronto.
31. Jamie, looks like some superhero whose name I can't recallat the moment.
32. Ember looks like sleeping roadkill (she sleeps all flat out on her side or back like she's dead) so I better Go bug her!
33. Lauren looks like the love child of everything that scared the shit out of me when I was ten; ventriloquist dummies, witches, bees, and the movie, Troll.
34. Julia looks like she's ready to go home. Yelena fondles the trophy as Mark beams and Corin checks his camera.

Anyone who wants to know the human psyche will learn next to nothing from experimental psychology. He would be better advised to abandon exact science, put away his scholar's gown, bid farewell to his study, and wander with human heart throught the world. There in the horrors of prisons, lunatic asylums and hospitals, in drab suburban pubs, in brothels and gambling-hells, in the salons of the elegant, the Stock Exchanges, socialist meetings, churches, revivalist gatherings and ecstatic sects, through love and hate, through the experience of passion in every form in his own body, he would reap richer stores of knowledge than text-books a foot thick could give him, and he will know how to doctor the sick with a real knowledge of the human soul.

-- Carl Jung

Monday, December 12, 2005

Your moment of zen...

Or...whatever is the furthest point away from zen.

J & R's Mint Lemonade Can Now Be Found At:

Buzz Coffee
7623 Beverly Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90036

Brew N' Beans
11150 Santa Monica Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90025

Please stop by either of these two locations if you're in the area and ask for J&R's Mint Lemonade!!

Thank you for your support. :)

Tuesday, December 6, 2005

Testicle Story

I went to lunch with Reggie today and driving back, I got bored so I said...

"Did you see the testicle picture I put up on my blog?"

"What testicle picture?"

"The picture of your testicles I took while you were sleeping."

"You didn't take a picture of my testicles."

"Yes I did. You were sleeping and your testicles were hanging out of your shorts, so I stuck my camera into the opening and took a picture. With the flash. Don't worry, I didn't say they were yours. I mean, it just looks like the landscape surface of Mars. With hair. I doubt people even realize that it's a testicle."

"Did you really take a picture of my balls?"

"Yes."

"No you didn't. You're lying."

[long beat]

"DID YOU REALLY TAKE A PICTURE OF MY BALLS?"

"I don't know why you're blowing this out of proportion. It was artistic. People probably can't tell they're testicles--"

"Everyone can tell they're testicles. Everyone knows what testicles look like--"

"How would you know? Have YOU taken a lot of pictures of testicles?"

"THEY JUST KNOW! You BETTER not have put up a picture of my testicles."

"I really don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this. No one even knows they're yours. They just probably think it's an artsy picture but if you're gonna freak out about it, I'll take it down."

"I'm gonna call Sareet and ask her if you put a picture of my balls on your blog."

"She's not gonna wanna get involved. I mean, when she asked me if those were your testicles--"

"SHE KNOWS THOSE WERE MY BALLS? Who else knows that picture was of me?"

"Uh, no one really. Just Sareet, AD..."

"You're lying. You didn't take a picture of my testicles. Did you?"

"Look, you're totally blowing this out of proportion and I don't know what the big deal is. It was artistic and not a big deal."

"Julia, do you know how this makes me look? This makes me look like an IDIOT."

"Nooooo...it makes you look like you're dating someone artistic. It was a very artistic picture."

"This makes me look like an IDIOT, Julia. First people see me in...that picture with the...MITTENS...now this!"

"It's art, Reggie. I think people realize that and appreciate it."

"You took a picture of my BALLS. What would you do if I took a picture of your nipple while you were sleeping?"

"That's just FUCKED UP! I took a picture of your testicles because you were sleeping and they were hanging out, and I thought it was cute so I took it out of artistic inspiration. If you took a picture of my nipple and put it up on the internet, that's just spite."

"But what if I had taken a picture of your nipple first and put it on the internet? How would you feel?"

"Well, then I would respect the artistic inspiration, but you can't do it now because if you ever take a picture of my nipple, it's going to be because of revenge and not art, and that's just the sign of a small person."

"Ooooh...I can't believe you. Did you REALLY take a picture of my balls and put them on your blog?"

"Look, if you're so upset about it, I'll take it down."

"I don't think you really did it."

"Fine, I didn't."

"When did you take this picture?"

".....last week. Then I cropped it to get a good close up so it looked like the surface of Mars. But with hair. I titled it 'Furry Mars.'"

"I thought you called it Testicle Picture."

"No, that's just what I called it in the context of this conversation. The caption under the picture on my blog says 'Furry Mars.'"

"I can't believe you did that. You had better be kidding because that's just so wrong."

We arrive at my office.

"Okay, I was just kidding. I didn't put a picture of your testicles on my blog."

"I KNEW you were kidding. Jesus Christ."

"I've gotta go now. I've gotta go take the picture down."

Slam door. Leave.

[disclaimer: this fictional picture was never posted nor taken. Or was it?....]

Monday, December 5, 2005


He looks like he would have been more appropriately dressed had he complemented his outfit with tan argyle socks to match his shoes. That white on brown ensemble just makes him look gaudy.

Friday, December 2, 2005

Late Recap of the Film Shoot (11/11-11/14)

This is a much belated warning that Mercury Retrograde is once again upon us, so beware of mechanical/electronic malfunctions, don't buy gadgets, beware of miscommunications and don't sign contracts. We've got another week together.

I've also learned recently to NEVER shoot a movie during Mercury Retrograde. We shot the film on Nov. 11th-14th up in Agua Dulce on this canyon road, and the production was hindered by all kinds of bizarre technical issues and miscommunications.

So the film is called Pieces and it's about a couple in a dysfunctional marriage who start thinking they see severed body parts lying in the middle of a dark rural road. We were going to be shooting 3 nights in a row, basically from sundown to sunrise, outside on a dirt road in the freezing cold. We all knew going into it that it would be a hard shoot, but we had put together an amazing crew so we weren't worried.

The first day, our call time was 1pm but due to a couple of accidents on the freeway, one of our signs being blown down and just general confusion regarding country roads, people got lost and we didn't assemble our crew until sundown. This was followed by some technical issues (getting the picture car to start) and we didn't get our first official shot of the night until 10:45pm, a whopping 9.75 hours after our call time. We had issues with our first assistant director who talked a big game but was revealed to have obviously had no experience as an AD, who is basically the hub of communication and order on set. This translated to different departments being ready, but waiting for other departments who were in fact, also ready. We shot until sunrise and all went home to sleep away the day.

Before the next day, I called my mom to tell her about the shoot and how many technical problems we'd had. She recommended setting out an offering of incense and fruit to the spirits of the night, apologizing to them for the disturbance and asking them for accommodation.

I didn't have time to stop by an Asian store to buy incense, so we went to Albertson's instead to pick up some candles and fruit. There were some kids wearing bright vests collecting money outside the doors. I indifferently glanced at them, but had to do a double take. Once inside, I asked Reggie, "Tell me what it says on that kid's vest." I figured, I'd been up all night, had only gotten 4 uncomfortable hours of sleep during the daytime, and it's not impossible that my mind was melting. Reggie does a double take, then squints to make sure. "Holy shit. It says 'Help Retarded Children." Someone had enlisted 12 year old boy scouts to collect money for retarded children. Not kids with special needs. Retarded Children. Way to be PC, guys! I love it.

Unfortunately, the vests distracted me so much, that I forgot to buy fruit. Luckily, Reggie had already picked up some bananas so I set up a shrine of candles and bananas and said a prayer asking for accommodation.

It's common knowledge that the hardest things to work with in film are animals and kids. We had decided to start the second day with the shots of Dana, the wonderdog, where she was required to run across the dirt road with a human head in her mouth.

I couldn't afford to get a real human head on such short notice, but luckily, the amazing Mr. Alex Chen hooked me up with John Goodwin who does Special Effects for CSI: NY. He in turn hooked us up with some pretty real looking severed heads and a couple of arms.

Dana and Claire, her trainer, were amazing to work with. Dana knew how to create a mark and hit it, had a great attitude, and didn't get tempermental with the multiple takes. Her relationship with Claire was also incredibly special...Claire was a very sweet, soft-spoken woman and you could especially see the high level of trust that Dana had in Claire, considering Claire was asking her to run in front of a moving car and Dana would do it unquestioningly and without hesitation each time. We got the shots we needed efficiently and we were all confident that we could make up for the delays that happened the night before.

So we broke for lunch, got the actors ready to do their driving scenes and everyone's in a good mood setting things up. Everything is ready to roll and suddenly, the picture car won't start again. It takes us a few hours to get it started and we're ready to roll, but on the next 5-6 takes, something random would happen, like the lights would go off, or the camera would jam or the sound wouldn't roll, or the actor would drive into a ditch (not kidding. By then it was almost so tragic it was funny. It was an absurd number of technical issues to happen in such a short amount of time). Tensions ran high, people were snapping at each other, and we started seriously worrying if we would get any shots that night. At this point, only about 10% of the movie was in the can.

With 2 hours to go before sunrise, we finally get everything working and we rush through as many scenes as we can, ending strong. Moral is higher as the sun comes up, but we're very behind.

I get home at 8am but spend another hour talking to Reggie, the producer, about the shoot. I think we can still catch up but everything needs to be working. But there's another big problem...we have a big scene coming up first thing the next day that requires 3 rural Mexican gang members...and we don't have any of them. I suggest that we post a Craig's list ad and hope for the best.

I try to get some sleep but reversed schedule with the sun coming in make it hard and I'm up 2 hours later feeling completely ragged and emotionally close to tears out of sheer exhaustion. I call my mom to tell her about all the crazy technical issues that had occurred the night before and she asks me if I had put out the offering. I told her I used candles and bananas and she said, "BANANAS! You NEVER use bananas!" (Okay, I had no idea there were rules to this thing.) She said I had to use round fruits because they represent bounty, and the bigger the better. Apparently bananas are an insult?

We leave for the location, still missing 3 very important extras for the scene we're about to shoot in less than 3 hours, and we get a call from Tito, our editor. He was scheduled to come onto set to take production stills, and he asked if we still needed him to be an extra. The funny thing was that whenever he mentioned that he could be one of the extras, I always thought he was joking. Basically Tito is a big guy from Portugal, but he has a very kind face with warm eyes, so it's hard to believe he could come off as menacing. Nevertheless, we didn't have any extras at this time so we needed him. One down.

We head to Albertson's and I buy the expensive stuff...fuji apples, tangerines and honeydew, the things I've seen my parents put out. My mom suggested that I put out Chinese dishes to share, but I honestly didn't think a 3-entree Panda Express meal in a styrofoam container was going to be that impressive. I set up the shrine, said a long, desperate prayer, and then we were off and running.

Reggie gets a call from this guy who says that he and his brother can be the extras because his brother just got out of prison, was all tatted up and would be perfect for what we were looking for. They were also willing to do PA work (which was what we asked for in the ad), since our PA quit on us after the AD had promised to bump him up to grip and give him more money without permission and we had to come back and say we couldn't do that, considering he didn't have ANY experience as a grip. So based on their word that they have the right look, we tell them to head over to the location immediately.

We set up some shots and crank out some exteriors when I get a call from Reggie on my walkie that the extras are here and "your boy is perfect." I tell him to send them down right away. The extras show up and the featured extra that we need to walk around the car and scare the female protagonist with the implication of being raped is this really sweet kid who's all tatted up. He had his girlfriend with him who was Hispanic and unfortunately very possessive, because when I asked him if he could take off his shirt so I could see his tats (he knew that we may ask him to do the scene shirtless), she positioned herself in the way like she was gonna have some problems. I ignore her, his tats are perfect and he does his scene shirtless. We finish half his scene and then send them back to the trailer to chill until we do the rest of it.

The shoot is going really smoothly, and I honestly think we might be able to catch up. But then Reggie walks down and tells me, "Julia, we have a problem." Apparently the brother of the featured extra was trying to hustle us for more money, figuring that we had already got his brother on film so we would need him or our continuity would be screwed. He wanted extra money, to do no PA work, and to leave in an hour. We figured we wouldn't negotiate with punk terrorists so we paid them a minimum rate, sent them on the way, and then had to figure out creative ways to cheat the continuity. It was more bullshit that we didn't need to be dealing with when we were under the gun.

Luckily, Melanie, our make-up artist is amazing. She made gave Tito a face full of scruff with makeup, worked with his hair and got him to look mean. I gave Tito a flannel shirt that was 2 sizes to small that made him look hulking. He was totally badass and looked so damn cool smoking, that we bumped him up to featured and gave him a line.

We wrapped up the night trying to get the rest of the driving scenes and everything was working incredibly efficiently, but we couldn't beat the sun coming up and ended up getting half of our coverage and none of our driving exteriors. My voice was running out but it managed to make it through the shoot before crapping out as the sun came up (it was completely gone for the next 4 days). We have about 10% of the film left to shoot, and 2 setups to cover to make the driving scenes more dynamic. We definitely need another pick up day.

The experience overall was great because the project is strong and it was so nice to be directing for film again and the crew was INCREDIBLE. I feel like even though we need an extra day in the future which presents continuity challenges and scheduling coordination (not to mention a lot of money outside of the original budget that I have to pay for an extra day), it's probably a blessing in disguise. This gives us a chance to put together a rough cut of the film so we can not only see what we still need, but we can see what I would like to shoot again to really make it a strong film.

We've scheduled this day for Jan. 21st so everyone, please set out candles and melons for me on that night and help us out. At the very least, we'll be cleared from the retrograde so I'm really hoping that we get this all done!

So let my experience serve as a warning to you...do NOT schedule a production during a retrograde if you can help it. That tricky SOB can be a nightmare.

Thursday, December 1, 2005


"One of these things is not like the others, one of these things is [unintentionally funny]"

(Reggie and I meet an un-PC but good-intentioned charity outside of Albertson's in Santa Clarita)