The playlist I will seduce you by.

19 Songs to Rumble Your Loins.

Resistance is futile. Hit play, lay back, succumb. (you can touch me if you want...)

I'm no angel, but please don't think that I can't cry

I was on the plane back to California, thinking about the countdown on my camera from a couple of weeks ago. Then I had a thought. I checked when I got home and as I suspected...if the countdown was a 15 day countdown, then it ends on the full moon of October 4th. Interesting because the countdown appeared less than 24 hours after the new moon, which definitely brought some magic in, and new moons and full moons are tied. This is even more interesting, considering each full moon since July has brought something magical and mystical to pass. They say full moons are times of magic and unusual circumstances, as well as seeing the fruition of the seeds you plant during new moons. The timing of this mysterious occurrence seems too coincidental. Will be on the lookout. Anyone who made wishes on September 18th/19th or put something out into the universe should also keep their eyes, hearts and spirit open. What was planted then may suddenly open up their eyes or skies this weekend.

One of the things I've written about, is how in a healthy relationship, each partner should want the other to reach for their potential and be the best that they can be. If they love you, they won't want to limit you. They will want you to have successes in life, and when you have them, they'll be happy for you, rather than jealous or intimidated. A relationship should bring out the best in both people. And when the best comes out, each partner will respect it and be happy for it.

Now at the end of the retrograde, which also forces people to reflect on the past, I'm thinking about compromises. Where you should compromise (agreements that make sharing a life more positive and comfortable for both partners), and where you shouldn't compromise (giving up things you want and need in order to feel like yourself, evolve towards a more truthful, higher version of yourself, and the things you need to feel safe, positive and complete. You should never give up anything that compromises your self-respect).

I've only been in one relationship where my partner pushed me to be the best that I can be and was always happy for all my successes, and that's why I always regard it as my best relationship so far. It was also my longest relationship, and the only reason we're not still together is because I needed someone who had a better practical ability to take care of himself and a future family financially, but the bigger issue, he didn't set my loins on fire. Without sexual chemistry and attraction to begin with, it's very hard to sustain a relationship. I know because I read a lot of relationship psychology books at that time to find a loophole and there just isn't a way around it. He was my best friend, my buddy, a guy happiest in the role as my sidekick. As Brian would say, "You guys would pal around and complete each other's silliness, but then, you would start thinking about adult responsibilities and you couldn't see him as the one you could depend on in the long run." I would push him out to take control of his own dreams and career, and it just put a lot of pressure between us. He tried though, but at the end of the day, I don't want a guy who's struggling to fit what I need; it shouldn't be that way. I want him to feel comfortable being himself, that who he is, is enough for me. As for my ex, for another girl, he will be. He's a wonderful man who will have a beautiful life with a very nice girl. But he's just not mine.

The relationship was a very supportive, happy and positive one, but it wouldn't have worked out, unless I compromised on some things that were important to me. And I still regard him highly as a person (he was loyal, he was kind, he loved my family and brother as his own, his family loved me as their own, he was always there when I needed him even if he didn't understand half of the existential crises that would take hold of me, and he was a man of infinite sweetness--the number of times he would have to go out of his way to bring my lunch to my office because 5 out of 10 mornings, I would leave it sitting by the front door in my rush to work..but he always did it happily because he regarded it as another chance to see me; the time i went on a business trip to atlanta and cried on the phone when I found out a friend's mother had passed away, and he called the hotel and ordered milk and cookies to be sent to my room). In many ways, he set the bar for how a kind man who loves a woman should treat her. But in one of the saddest lessons I've learned thus far, things can be wonderful, but still not right. I could have probably stayed in that relationship for a couple of more years. But the same valid doubts would have still been there. And eventually, you can't really have kids if you don't want to have sex. So...as it goes...life goes on. One day, when we both have families of our own and time under the bridge, we might still be friends again. We're good at pushing each other towards our dreams, and we're happy to celebrate each other's successes.

I know what it means to have a supportive partner, because I've had it. I also know what it means to have a partner who can tell you he loves you, but not be happy for you to succeed. You just have to recognize the signs and the language. I've had a guy tell me to "get off your high horse," when I tried to lay out in a cause-effect timeline where our communication was going awry, giving both of us the responsibility in an effort to make things better (he always resented my intelligence and my ability to communicate). I've collaborated on projects with guys, and would later, overhear them claiming they did it themselves. Even guys I wasn't in a relationship with, it ranges from reminding me that my biological clock is ticking (doesn't work...I can accept a future without children...I'm not going to allow a desire to have children force myself into a bad choice), subtle ways of reminding me that I'm not that special or great but luckily they think I am (says a lot about them), or lamenting that it's like I'm on another level and resenting it, so the choice is, either meet them on their level or they're not interested (see ya).

These guys can go. In so many ways, how a person treats you, someone they want next to them, will tell you everything you need to know about what they think of themselves. And if they can meet a great person who is always pursuing her potential, always trying to be the best person she can be not to be better than other people, but to be the best version of herself which would benefit everyone around her, and they can want to tear her down because it makes them feel bad about themselves, then these guys are no prizes. You want someone who strives to be the best person he or she can be, and knows there's room for everyone to have their personal successes, especially the ones they love most. That when they see you trying to be the most you can be, it makes them happy, because it makes them proud of you, it makes them love you more, it inspires them, and it makes them feel lucky. But it should never make them feel that for their own peace of mind, they have to take it away from you, to bring you down.

Be aware of this dynamic. It happens all the time. The easiest way to tell is whether you feel you are the best version of yourself in the relationship, or that you are being supported towards that. If you feel in any way that your partner is not happy for or is limiting your growth towards positive expansion, then it may be time to take a closer look at the dynamics of your relationship. If you have a partner who supports and applauds the best version of you, then consider yourself very lucky-- you already have what many people want. The rest, is in the chemistry and destiny.

night-time julia is so different from day-time julia. day-time julia is half there, half trapped. in the night-time, i am integrated and can fully emerge.

julia is wondering, can i hit it in the morning without giving you half of my dough...

If you find no one to support you on the spiritual path, walk alone. There is no companionship with the immature.

-Buddha

i put on sia's lady croissant album today (one of my favorite albums...sia is the vocalist for zero 7). this is the first song. i started laughing when i heard it because it reminded me of a conversation i had yesterday. i dedicate this song to a radiant friend of mine.

you have her pictures,
you have her pictures,
you have her pictures everywhere.

you're covered in stitches,
you're covered in stitches,
you think i can't see them, but i know they're there.

take her down from the wall,
let yourself fall,
you can't keep her frozen, dormant at your court,
you can try to move on, tripped by stitches come undone.

you lost your big heart,
you lost your big heart,
you lost your big heart beating bare.

she gave you a new start,
she gave you a new start,
but you knew you'd lost her to despair.

take her down from the wall,
let yourself fall,
you can't keep her frozen, dormant at your court,
you can try to move on, tripped by stitches come undone.

your skin burns and prickles,
your skin burns and prickles,
your skin burns and prickles when she's near.

you try to play it cool,
you try to play it cool,
you try to play it cool, but you're filled with fear.

take her down from the wall,
let her go, or make her yours,
you can't keep her frozen, dormant at your court,
you can try to move on, tripped by stitches come undone.
you can try to move on, tripped by stitches come undone.
you can try to move on, tripped by stitches come undone.
you can try to move on, or maybe she is the one.

-sia, pictures

Pictures - Sia

Sia's hilarious story about the song in an interview:

Yeah, I was working in my friend's studio and he had broken up with his girlfriend about eight months prior, and he had all these pictures up behind his computer in the studio of him and his ex girlfriend these huge posters of her all over the studio. And it had been such a long time, and he talks about her all the time but he wasn't sure whether he wanted to be with her or whether he didn't, and I was at the end of a very long song writing period and was looking for inspiration. Because the f***ed part about writing songs everyday is that you end up not having any life to actually write about; you can't write about writing songs and it becomes this kind of catch 22. So, I guess I just looked up and thought I'll write a song about him being incapable of moving on. So I wrote it and gave it to him and he was both touched and alarmed and removed all the photos.

took a walk in the light drizzle this afternoon, looking for the waterfall garden. feeling very present, strong, but dark. dark energy gives me the strongest light. while crossing the street, i passed a man. when our eyes connected, i acknowledged him and his jaw dropped in surprise.

i've learned there's no point in analyzing it. i just accept it.

there was a city worker cleaning up a construction site. he looked like a sweet guy having a bad day. could feel all kinds of harmless little cuss words over his head. so when he looked over, i gave him a big warm smile like a hug to a friend. he broke out in a really big smile. i looked away and when i looked back, he was still smiling. i smiled and he gave me a nod like, 'thank you.' that felt good. probably for both of us.

i went to the garden. a homeless man in one corner, a couple of guys in deep conversation in the other. it's really interesting there. it's not peaceful exactly, because the sound of rushing water is pretty loud. but it is meditational, because you do need a lot of focus to block out the sound. the visual surroundings are beautiful. i tend to be someone who works best with moderately pleasant background noise. read a few more stories from fulghum. this lone, elderly japanese man walked by a few times, then found a seat on the level below, just in front of me. to be honest, if he had been interested in conversation, i would have been happy to talk to him.

it was beautiful because it was drizzling with a dramatic sky, but the garden felt so alive. if it weren't cold as well, it could have been a park in taiwan or singapore. in the middle of a tropical rain storm. it was a lovely feeling of displacement, of being in overlapping points of time and space. consciously creating a memory in the present.

two different people asked me for directions. first, the place isn't very big and it's not very crowded, so i had no idea where these people were emerging from. but i guess i'm one of those people who seems like she would know, so i'm always being asked directions when i'm in a place i don't know well. i actually knew the answers to both, so that made me happy. i love being helpful.

took a beautiful walk towards the tailor. the clouds were amazing. a man with a cane caught me looking up.

something's brewing, he said. i turned and looked at him to see if he was reading the sky or me.

definitely, i said with an innocent smile.

in their eyes, i can always see the hounds coming. i put my headphone back in and caught the signal at the crosswalk in one quick stride. how's he gonna catch me with a cane? i don't talk to strangers. ;)

oh, i am unprepared for the cold here. it's so cold here, it makes me want to put on a t-shirt and walk faster. i know, it doesn't make sense but i'm a girl who loves simultaneous extremes. just look at my views on sex and love. what? you're not sure of my views on sex and love? exactly my point. simultaneous contradictory extremes. you don't know where i'm at. probably neither do i. but it doesn't matter as long as it gets me closer to who i am. and as in all sciences and arts, life is born in the contradictions.

the run back with the dress was ridiculous. but even more ridiculous was i got 2 blocks away from home, suddenly had an impulse to test my luck, ran 2 blocks in the opposite direction to a bakery to get a tiny bite-sized coconut cream pie i'd read about then continued the 4 blocks home. i know. i left that part of the story out earlier. so sneaky, this one. those extra blocks were probably what allowed the water to soak me through my sweatshirt, through my shirt down into my bra. i don't think i've ever been that wet without jumping into a body of water.

any other thoughts on the day...oh, rie forwarded a job opening for a graphic designing gig for a vibrator company. i told her she'd be perfect for it. that when i think of her, i think: 1. baby apparel (she's working on a baby clothing line), 2. vibrators, 3. all things french. that if she could design a french vibrator in the shape of a cherubic baby (hey, they had a rubber duckie one on their website), she would be golden.

we'd talked a couple days ago about branding for her clothing line. she was saying she had looked around and the same type of stuff is out there. i told her what mattered was her vision, which would set her apart. so it didn't matter if the item itself was out there--just like a pair of pants is a pair of pants, but some people pay thousands for designer brands. she has very unique artistic vision...i always think of her as my french japanese friend, because even though she's japanese, i swear her spirit is french). that if she creates what she would personally like to see on the market, people will recognize it as very edgy and hip. anything unique and well-done is easy to brand as exclusive and premium.

her next email refers back to that conversation:

heehee. now this is the kind of concept that you would have totally came up with, seriously:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2006/02/12/LVG7HH2MJ11.DTL

So i'm sure somebody said, "well, there're tons of vibrators out there". But not the "right" kind, and this brand fills that niche.

i forgot to mention. where i see rie as my "french friend," she sees me as her "super sexually liberal friend." neither of us get why the other person thinks of us the way they do (we don't see it ourselves!), but we just go with it.

last day of the retrograde. had to go pick up my dress. she told me that i'll need another person to get me into it because of the way she altered the back so i'll wait until i get to cali to try it on. what was kind of fucked up was that it was threatening to rain when i went in, and 5 minutes later, i come out and it's a full on pouring rainstorm. which i love. usually. but not while protecting this freakin' bridesmaid dress that needs to make it to daisy's wedding intact.

i couldn't get a taxi so ended up running the 12 blocks in pouring rain, while trying to protect this dress (it was in plastic, but halfway there, the bag opened at the bottom and the train spilled out, but i caught it and had to hold that, too, as i ran. by the time i got home, i was so drenched even my bra was soaked through. but the dress is fine.

unbelievable.

Babel is one of my favorite all-time movies, both for the film itself, and for the daring way that Alejandro Inarritu worked with the actors and cultivated stunning performances despite language barriers. The film was made in a way that honored the film's themes. He should have absolutely won best director that year, as well as best film.

Here's a live performance of my favorite piece of music from the film by Ryuichi Sakamoto. It represents an entire emotional landscape... absolutely moving.

Competition rules--48 hours to write a 5 page script with the following parameters:

Genre: Romance / Location: Wax Museum / Object: Bag of Potato Chips

I dedicate my story to my father.

(non-screenwriter's key: INT = Interior, EXT = Exterior, VO = Voice Over, OS = Off Side)

Sleepwalker
by (thanks, Mercury) BC Chillum

INT. WAX MUSEUM - NIGHT

ALVIN (V.O.)
In 1979, while in college, I worked
as a night guard at a wax museum.

Ghostly shadows in pockets of dark and light. James Bond.
Genghis Khan. Cleopatra. Elvis. Frozen wax statues. The
silence is so alive it breathes. A wall clock strikes 3am.
And then suddenly, echoing between the walls...

VOICE (O.S.)
Hullo?

A young, scrawny GUARD hurries down the hall, bobbing
flashlight in one hand, open bag of potato chips clutched in
the other. His name tag reads: Alvin.

VOICE (O.S.)
Is anyone here?

Alvin runs past the Greatest Presidents exhibit, rounding the
corner and shining his light on...JOHN WAYNE. The great cowboy. John is standing in front of an eerie tableaux of the Last Supper. He uses a stiff hand to shield his eyes from the light.

JOHN WAYNE
Are you God?

Alvin stares in shock at John's waxy face and lifeless eyes.
The bag of chips falls to the ground. John examines his own
waxy hands, palms up, palms down, flexes his fingers.

JOHN WAYNE
Am I dead?

John Wayne--frightened and confused, a lost wax golem.

ALVIN (V.O.)
My mother was a sleepwalker. There
were nights when I was a little boy
and I would wake up to the front door opening.

EXT. TRAILER HOME - NIGHT

A WOMAN, barefoot and in a nightgown, long curly hair wild,
hurries out the door into the night, stars shining. Eyes open
but blank. She lifts her head up towards the moon as though
taking communion.

ALVIN (V.O.)
I would run after her and lead her
back to bed.

An 8 YEAR-OLD ALVIN gently leads her back inside. She cranes
her body back towards the treeline and moon, as if
magnetized.

YOUNG ALVIN
C'mon, mom. You're sleepwalking.

ALVIN (V.O.)
It wasn't so different.

BACK TO SCENE

Alvin has John gently by the elbow and is leading him back to
his spot between a wax ALFRED HITCHCOCK and a wax JIMMY
STEWART. John steps up behind the display reading, JOHN
WAYNE, his hands drop into his familiar pose and he freezes.

ALVIN (V.O.)
Over the next few weeks, it
happened two more times.

Alvin walking through the Prehistoric Man exhibit.

JOHN WAYNE (O.S.)
Hullo? Is anyone there?

Alvin breaks into a run.

Alvin leads John down a dark hall, passing the Exhibit of the
Pope.

JOHN WAYNE
Is this heaven?

ALVIN
Shhh...you're just sleepwalking.

ALVIN (V.O.)
I never told anyone. No way people
would ever believe me.

INT. BREAKROOM/MUSEUM - NIGHT

Alvin is starting his shift, putting his car keys and a
bagged lunch into his locker. Another guard, CARL, a paunchy
man with a red beard, washes out his thermos at the sink.

ALVIN
How long have you been working here?

CARL
Me? About...3 years.

ALVIN
Ever work the graveyard shift?

CARL
On and off, but not since my wife had the twins. Why?

ALVIN
It's just...strange things at night.

Carl examines him with the weary eyes of a new father. He
shakes water from his thermos and throws it into a backpack.

CARL
It's just nerves, kid. Bring a
radio or something. Nothing good
ever happens when you let your
imagination run wild. They're just
statues.

INT. CHAMBER OF HORRORS - NIGHT

Alvin stares at an evil SPANISH INQUISITOR standing over a
man being pulled apart on a rack. He pokes the statue in the
eye. The thing is creepy.

ALVIN (V.O.)
I hoped Carl was right. There were
some evil characters in that
museum. John Wayne was harmless if
not a bit quirky. But some of these
other guys...

Alvin is having a staring contest with evil Hitler when...

JOHN WAYNE (O.S.)
Hullo?

He nearly jumps out of his skin.

ALVIN (V.O.)
Then one morning, I read in the
paper that John Wayne died.
Stomach cancer. That night, I spent
most of my shift looking at his
statue.

ALVIN sits on the floor, flashlight beamed at John Wayne's
face, staring with vigilant hope in his eyes. Checks his
watch. 3:06am. Silence.

ALVIN (V.O.)
He never woke up again.

INT. CHILD'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

A middle-aged Alvin holding his INFANT DAUGHTER, her tiny
hand around his pinkie. She stares into his face like he's
her entire universe. You couldn't imagine a greater love.

ALVIN
I met your mother a few years
later. I took her to the museum on
our first date.

INT. WAX MUSEUM - DAY

Alvin, dressed clean, nervous, hair carefully slicked, and a
slim young woman with bright eyes. His future wife, CLAIRE.

They enter the Room of Entertainers. Claire walks slowly,
examining the figures -- Marilyn Monroe, Elvis, Alfred, Jimmy
-- then stops in front of John Wayne.

CLAIRE
My dad loved John Wayne.

ALVIN
He's actually my favorite.

Claire looks at him.

ALVIN
He, uh...he means a lot to me.

ALVIN (V.O.)
One day, I got really sick with the
flu, and she came over, surprising
me with soup and a stack of John
Wayne movies. She stayed and
watched all of them with me even
though I knew she didn't care for
westerns. Truthfully, I don't
really like them either.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The sounds of gunfighting as Alvin and Claire sit on the
couch, wrapped together in a blanket, Alvin looking slightly
under the weather. He looks at Claire, their faces dancing by
the glow of the TV, but it can not hide the love in his eyes
for this woman.

ALVIN (V.O.)
That was the night I knew without a
doubt who she was to me...

INT. CHILD'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Alvin tenderly smooths his daughter's wisps of hair, looks
into those big bright eyes, her mother's eyes.

ALVIN
But I never told her this story. I
always wondered if, those nights I
would hear that voice call out and
find John's statue wandering the
museum, if somewhere, the real John
Wayne was dreaming of waking up in
a wax museum. I thought about
writing him a letter...but it
seemed crazy, and then he died.

Alvin reminisces. Through the open window, crickets chirp.
Behind him, the hands of the clock shift. It's 3am.

ALVIN
And now, sweet girl, you're the
only one who knows daddy's secret.
These eyes...just waiting for the
world to show itself to you. This
world has so much mystery and
magic. Things you can barely
believe, even as you look right at
them. Like you being here, in my
arms. Maybe someday, when you
figure out the secrets of this
life, you'll explain it to your old
man so he can rest in peace. And if
you ever meet a ghost wandering in
the middle of the night, don't be
afraid. Maybe he just needs a
little help finding his way home.

The baby in his arms closes her eyes with a faint smile,
sighing a wisdom beyond human years.

one day you will ask me about my father, and i will tell you, "he was a man of many moods and storms. but no matter the weather, he taught me the one thing that always made me different, was i never accepted that humans couldn't fly if they wanted to."

last night

someone down the hall either got a puppy that isn't used to being at home alone yet, or someone makes some very unfortunate sounds during sex.

Older chests reveal themselves
Like a crack in a wall
Starting small, and grow in time
And we all seem to need the help
Of someone else
To mend that shelf
of too many books
Read me your favourite line

Papa went to other lands
And he found someone who understands
The ticking, and the western man's need to cry
He came back the other day, yeah you know
Some things in life may change
And some things
They stay the same

Like time, there's always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time

-Damien Rice

i got a great question today.

someone noticed that i'm always talking about wanting someone who asks "the right questions." and he asked a great question...what constitutes "a right question?"

any question a person asks that actually represents the question inside them, in a way that openly seeks a truthful answer. i like being truthful. i like when people don't set me up so that being truthful is actually a trap.

basically, a question formed by a desire for open truth, with the purpose of seeking truth.

i need this because i struggle in conversations that aren't immersive and direct. my perception of the world shows all the parts simultaneously with the sum of the whole. so my view of truth can be very multi-dimensional or very straightforward. in immersive and direct conversation, the more i understand specifically what a person is seeking, the better i can give direct answers.

some people don't ask questions.
some people don't ask the questions that answer the questions they really have.
if you ask the right questions, people will give you the right answers. it's kind of that simple. it comes first with willingness, then with consciousness, then with practice.

mercury has been messing with my blog. posts were disappearing then reappearing, but the most egregious thing was taking posts that were saved as drafts and making them public all of a sudden (resolved with a refresh). mercury, i've been tolerant of every bit of technology you've messed with this month, and you've been pretty bad. but the one rule is you don't touch my blog or hard drive.

julia doesn't eat bait. she knows the real thing when she tastes it.

i love that i'm going to be back here in time for the full moon next month. right before midnight it usually hangs just out my door so i can see it from my writing chair.

we don't get cloud cover in la over the moon the way they do here. it's very dramatic. i'm very happy tonight. another night of arcade fire's neon bible looped in the background but i just changed it to my own mix. now playing (come pick me up, ryan adams). a sad, angstful song that actually makes me happy (figuring how good he must have felt when he wrote it and it turned out amazing).

i'm happy with where my life is going. everything is falling into place. all that energy is being channeled through my mind into my hands almost unconsciously. it's very gratifying.

i like scientists and engineers. they and i have such a delightful curiosity about each other.

inside me, there is a giant amphitheater of happy people listening to music, breathing in the cool air of an emerging dark moon fall.

an entire day saved in drafts.

their names are never spoken
the curse is never broken

fall fall fall

my favorite season

again, hello goodbye

this time

your goodbye is my hello

you asked about the real me

the one i said was amazing

would you recognize her if you met her on the street?

if you can, then you've met her.

some people are good at losing things

some people are good at finding things

some people are too busy with the paperwork to think about it

top 5 list

1. solitude
2. sleep
3. sex
4. symphony
5. sunsets

just my guess.

fireworks tonight.

sleep tight.

for you i've uncapped the night sky

A vial of hope and a vial of pain
In the light they both looked the same
Poured them out into the world
On every boy and every girl
It's in the Neon Bible...

Weeds is one of the best-written shows on TV:

a 12th house venus in cancer. my greatest gift. my biggest burden.

fall shift is starting. today was the first plunge. as predicted, a storm is settling in to take me into fall. 22 day tomorrow. get ready.

thank you for a wonderful summer.

i know i can't be mad. i'm probably more sad about it than anything. people want to look and see my insides even if they don't want them, they don't want to have to be responsible. they just don't realize that it is painful for me to show my feelings and see how they don't fit into this world. it's for my own survival that i have to keep them hidden. no depth of hole can make me not aware of them. but burying them under words and words and words is the only way i can make sure my mind continues to function even while being denied the things i want most. it's how i keep myself sane.

i'll never tell you what i feel.
i'll never tell you what i want.
unless you tell me how it is i can trust you.

I know when the time is coming
All the words will lose their meaning
Please show me something that isn't mine
But mine is the only kind that I relate to
Le miroir casse
The mirror casts mon reflet partout
Black mirror.

one day, if you can find me, i'll tell you everything inside me that i've been holding back.

The mirror casts mon reflet partout.

talked to a friend last night. her husband is acting like a little boy trying to get what he wants by way of tantrum. it's disappointing.

i told her, it's a male problem, unfortunately. inside every man is a little boy who didn't want to grow up. the good ones just can't justify it to themselves that it's okay to act in a way that disrespects their partner. the good ones, at least you can work with...they'll know at the end of the day, it's in their best interest for both people to work things out and find a happy balance, so they'll work with you. but a little boy behaving badly is hell on a good woman. because she's conscious of exactly what's happening, but knows the only way for it to stop is if the man decides to step up and put a stop to the boy.

Got a text from my basketball coach thanking me for the birthday present I sent him. We caught up...sounds like he's still with the same girl because his ex-fiance has another guy right now, but he's biding his time.

What happened to there only being one shot at the title, coach? Jeez. I guess some things are easier said than done.

I still remember though. I still don't look back. Why stay with someone if you already know they're not the one.

At Daisy's bachelorette party in Vegas, some British guy had come up to talk to her (12 beautiful Asian girls at one table...what guy wouldnt?). I had been out on the dance floor looking for a hot black athlete for her to talk to (her request for the night). When I came back, she grabbed me and introduced me as, "This is my cousin, Julia. She's my hero. This girl keeps guys in line like nobody else. If you get stupid and pull bullshit, she walks away and never looks back. So don't even try unless you've got what it takes." The guy kind of looked at her like she might be joking, but seriously, with an introduction like that in a dance club where most interactions are bullshit, most guys are going to run. I didn't care though. He seemed cheesy. But it's not that I'm cold. It's that, I don't have time to waste, letting my head and heart get twisted by people who don't know what they want or what they're doing. What I have to give is real and of value.

I wrote to my coach, "I remember what you said, 'You only get 1 shot at the title.' If a guy doesn't drop everything for the chance to be with me and is willing to gamble that I might slip through his fingers, then he's already lost."

He wrote back, "You are a Jedi to be."

I wrote back, "I already graduated, coach. I'm a Jedi Master, imparting great wisdom to the young men who will some day save our galaxy."

Finished Tale of the Rose. It takes 2 to make a painful marriage. You can say 1 partner doesn't appreciate you and treats you badly, but if you're still in the relationship and taking it, well, it takes two to tango. So somewhere, both people are getting what they want. And that's all I want to say right now about it.

Here are the passages I noted:

*"You're going to live an intense life, he said to Tonio. "Don't let jealous people get to you, always keep moving ahead." And he confided to me, "He's a great fellow: make him write, and people will talk about the two of you."

*"I'm writing a book right now, just some personal experiences," Tonio said. "I'm not a professional writer. I can't write about anything I haven't experienced. The whole of my being has to be involved in order for me to express myself--or, I'd even say, in order for me to grant myself the right to think."

*I sensed that Tonio was suffering for all mankind, that in some way he wanted to make them better. He was a man who chose his own destiny, but he had to pay a high price for his freedom, and he knew it...Not one spare second was granted him, for something almost divine had made him a kind of seed, destined to sow a better race of men on the earth. He had to be helped in his struggles, in the painful process of giving birth to himself and to his books, amid all the everyday cares that harried him and among all those who had not yet perceived that something in his heart was speaking with God.

*I observed my husband the way one watches a great tree grow, without ever being conscious of its transformation. I touched him as if I were touching a tree in his garden, a tree whose shadow I would have liked, much later, to fall into my final sleep. I was used to my tree's miracles. His detachment from material things had almost become natural to me. And we lived in expectation of discovering a better world that would not be unattainable.

*A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you never entirely recover.

*"But don't forget what I'm going to say to you: the most terrible dramas are those veiled in mystery."

*I stroked the lovely evening gown I would wear for this, the first evening when I had given myself the right to live again as a woman awaiting a sign, which could come from anywhere, that everything would come alive once more.

*"You will forget me," said the captain, "as all my passengers have forgotten me. That's as it should be. I've loved them all, all the woman who stayed close to me for an entire voyage, lying on the same deck chair, full of the drama of their lives, full of their fear of dying. They were all as beautiful and as fragile as my boat's journeys or the life of flowers and butterflies that live only a day, like the glass of champagne you're holding in your hand that will soon be empty but will live on in the bright glow of your eyes."

*I believe Vera finally understood then that just being pretty isn't enough for a woman to become and remain part of a man's life.

*My God, being the wife of a pilot is a whole career, but being the wife of a writer is a religious vocation!

*His way of seeing the world, of experiencing it, had undoubtedly come to him from his childhood. He never referred to himself, never talked about himself. He tried every day to grow, to use past experiences to increase the likelihood of success, not only for himself but for others. He didn't talk just to make noise with words or spew out hot air; he always said something that had meaning. He never allowed his physical and emotional suffering to interfere with the rest of his life; he put them completely out of his mind. He always gave himself over entirely to whoever was listening to him. I remember a line of his: "You must love others but without telling them so." It explains his character: he loved people but wasted no time explaining the attention and love he was capable of giving them.

For him, love was a natural thing. Those who lived with him found him hard to bear because when he left he took the whole of his being away with him, completely and utterly. But he was also capable of returning completely and utterly, without living a particle of himself anywhere else. His physical and psychological strengths were united, in harmony with each other, and almost inexhaustible. When I would scold him because he was working himself to exhaustion on mathematical equations that seemed alien and forbidding to me, he would answer with a huge laugh and then invariably say, "I won't be wearing myself out any longer when I'm dead."

I loved him for his clumsiness, his poetic appearance, the way he had of looking like a giant who is concealing a sensitive soul. He knew how to move very heavy weights effortlessly, with the same grace he employed in cutting little airplanes out of lightweight white paper, airplanes he would then launch into the sky from our balcony over the neighboring houses...

(this last one struck home for me. "you must love others without telling them so." or by hiding them. my deepest feelings are the ones i don't ever talk about)

"Do you ever sleep?"

I laughed. "A lot of people ask me that. Why?"

"I don't know. You seem like you don't, like your mind is always working."

"I actually need a lot of sleep, and I enjoy sleeping because I have vivid dreams."

is putting hope into an oversight.

Hmmm...I entered the contest and never looked at the prizes. I never do it for the prize.
But it turns out, the winners get scholarships to Writer's Boot Camp. Apparently they are one of the sponsors.

I met one of the founders years ago. If I do well in this contest, it will symbolically be like getting delivered right back to him. I never did sign up for a class. I secretly can't stand being around groups of writers unless in very specific situations with great chemistry. And I don't remember what it was, but something about that organization felt a little cultish.

This makes for an interesting twist. I'm faced with the question of, if I have a conflict of interest.

I don't think so. I'm just going to focus on doing the best I can in the writing. Figure out things that come when they come.

Another incredibly beautiful walk while the sun was setting, listening to Neon Bible by Arcade Fire and just living.

Watched the sun set over the water sitting next to a 9. Another secret spot filled with pure truth and beauty.

like lock and key. i will know the person because even when he is close to me, i will still be me.

The 2nd Season of Samantha Who is starting off with some really great writing.

Conversation between Samantha and her mother. Her mother tells her to not give up on relearning how to dance, and Samantha asks her to push her like she did when she was young.

Mom: No, oh no no. No no no no no.That was hard on both of us. So many tears. So many vodka tonics.
Samantha: But you just said a Newly never gives up.
Mom: On themselves...on each other, all the time!

imagine me and you...
they do.

hahaha. It took me an hour (though a lot of mental prep time) but I wrote the first screenwriting challenge. right around 3 am, too. Thanks, 29.

there will be a storm on monday.

1 Album

Simple Things - Zero 7

1 Movie

Grosse Point Blank

1 Hero

Chiron

1 Move

Power with Persistance

1 Name

Miles

1 Story

They found the boy in a giant peach.

1 Mirror

Train whistle at 3am waking up on the floor of a room you don't recognize in the silver moonlight

1 Thank you

To the one who will save me from drowning

he was a great listener. i told him he wouldn't believe the day i've had. the week i've had. the life i've had. about the kind of boss that god is, how he's always dangling the exact carrots that get me to do whatever he wants, but sometimes i demand some proof of goods. but what most people don't know is that we should expect as much back from him, as we are giving out to the world. the biggest fallacy in the world is that we somehow owe god and must fear him. he might be sitting at a greater, more omniscient position, but he needs us to believe in him just as much as we need him to believe in us.

i told him about how much i love people, about all these doors i see them passing up, but they don't notice them. and when i point them out sometimes, they don't believe me.

i told him that when i left my home today, i thought i was going to do something almost predatorial, win one for the team by not holding anything back. the intensity of the energy flowing through me was electrifying, sometimes it seems unfair to just unleash when it's that concentrated. but tonight, i wanted it-- all it would take is one ignorant, cocky guy to make eye contact and saunter over thinking he had me pegged, for me to blow his world apart. without him even understanding how i did it without touching anything. but i have so much restraint, i walked past the rowdier places where i was sure to cross paths with a douchebag served up like chum and headed straight to the triple door, which has had great music every time i've been there. tonight a dj was spinning good r&b (Very superstitious, writing's on the wall ...) the nostalgia and beat taming my beast. i listened to the music, and while observing the giant aquarium, that's when i found him, this fish, to spill all my silent thoughts to. he sat there patiently the whole time. i couldn't have imagined a more gracious audience.

I can't remember how this got started
but i can tell you exactly how it will end

Angelina and I are fellow Gemini's who share a secret knowledge.

Dear God,
I will eat one of your arrogant little boys for every week that goes by and you don't show me his face.

Starting tonight.

julia is shadow side rising.

pupils cast over by the dark side of the moon

black

a tingling in my teeth.

i said, "i need music to set the night."

i said, "find something with teeth."

found nine inch nails - with teeth.

like a faithful, jealous dog waiting for its owner.

don't you fucking know what you are...

i'm going out.

be good, she said.

i don't think so.

julia is waiting for someone who has enough confidence in himself and respect for our short time on earth to impress her.

Get off your asses, people. I'm tired of explaining it. Isn't my life proof enough? Whatever you're dreaming of, just do it.

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

My rule of thumb:

When you see a good opportunity, jump.

There's no bigger crime than taking the things that could bring happiness or possibility into your life for granted.

See all those people sitting with their hand over their eyes, contemplating? Sitting next to them is the shovel they've been using to dig their own graves.

Is that a desirable alternative?

Then stop being an idiot.

Dream big. And when you meet your dream on a crowded street, grab it before it disappears into the crowd to fulfill someone else.

Pain.

Joined a coed team called Barrel of Monkeys. I like that it's a team of mostly scientists. Played two games, lost the first, won the 2nd. I threw two goals and caught one. The field was beautiful...artificial turf which is supposed to be particularly bad for your joints though, and I've got turf burn on my thigh, elbow, knee and shin from diving for catches. A lot of fun but I'm going to soak in a bubble bath now. I'm going to be sore in places I never even knew existed tomorrow. Ultimate is played on a soccer field. It's basically soccer with a frisbee. As someone who never played organized soccer, that field is so much bigger than a basketball court; sprinting up and down it was definitely a physical shock. I did NOT feel like I was in good shape. I think basketball is easier for me because it's a game of stamina and bursts of speed, not longer distances at top speed.

On my way to play ultimate frisbee! Say a prayer for my knee...

I'm reviewing this year's blog stats and noticed January was a high number as well. That makes sense because I was detoxing from destructive chemistry. But I found a post where I listed out things I'm looking for in a partner, points that still ring true and I feel are important for me to keep conscious. This must be why very few guys look very "shiny" to me anymore, and I let the majority of the "river" pass. I've gotten locked in on what is ultimately good for me:

Saturday, January 24, 2009

woken up the last 3 days to find myself spooning a cat.

i am, of course, the big spoon.

getting used to sleeping alone. probably realizing how much more together my life has been than i've ever been able to give myself credit for, but i have a lot more going for me than most people and i have to stop messing around with weak people because i'm hiding from my own strength and potential.

there are a lot of things and people and bad habits i haven't got time for anymore. i find that i'm still a pretty nice person, but i just don't have time for bullshit anymore. i don't want to fix anyone's life, and i don't need anyone messing around in mine. everyone should be accountable for themselves...that's just the way it should be. everything else, ie human connection and companionship, is just the icing.

i recognize i'm missing my partner. i realized the agenda i made a couple of years ago for the year of fearless living, it helped a lot in that life gave me exactly what i put on that list, even if it came in the form of challenges which i actually asked for. so it's all good. but seeing the power of lists to help me focus, these are what i want in a partner:

1. a strong man. not a hard man. a strong man who is integrated and self-aware so that he knows when to be strong and when to be vulnerable. it takes a lot of inner strength to be vulnerable. so many men who are actually weak inside confuse being hard with being strong. i meet a lot of guys like this because they tend to like strong women, but then they can't handle them, can't really be with them. i need a truly strong man.

2. a man with big dreams and the ability to make them a reality. many have dreams, few have follow through. it's easy to be given something and make more of it. it's harder to take nothing--a thought, an idea, a desire--and make it into a reality. i'm one of those people who can. i need someone else who can as well. no more big talkers. only doers.

3. a man with a big heart filled with warmth, compassion, humor and kindness. yes, i know i tend to think of leos as boring, but leo energy is quite expansive and uplifting. it's the best part of me, and it should be the best part of him. that energy that makes those around him better.

4. warm expressive eyes, a million watt smile. dark hair, dark eyes. it's just what feels like home.

5. a man who's happy to see me shine. a man who is confident enough in himself that he can be happy for me and my own successes, just as i will be happy for him and his successes. someone who wants me to be me at my best, at my most charismatic and energetic, and is proud. a man who never limits me with his own insecurities.

6. a man with pride in who he is and what he represents. a man of honor and integrity and dignity, who knows that a partnership is built upon a foundation of two whole and strong people to create something even bigger. someone who sees that anything is possible if you believe.

7. honesty. he will be honest, both with himself and with those close to him. he will know that sometimes life presents us with choices, and he'll be a man who respects himself and respects me enough to always stick to honesty and integrity, even if it's hard and even if it means facing things that are difficult to face. trust and honesty are the two basic tenets of a healthy relationship. my man will respect that and see this is a core necessity. he'll be strong enough to face difficult situations and still be open and honest. he'll trust me as a partner and treat me as his partner. this will show that he's worthy of trust.

8. a man who can see the short term and the long term, and whose vision includes both himself and others.

9. a man who's emotionally, mentally and spiritually mature. a man who knows what it means to be up in life and down in life and knows that nothing is guaranteed. and that so many things in life of value need to be worked for, so he's not afraid to work hard, and respect those around him because life is complicated and people are complicated but at the end of the day, it's reality. you make the most of what you've got, and you have to create or cocreate your success in life, including relationships.

10. a man who is relationship oriented. all of human interaction is in the relationship. if you respect relationships, you respect other people, you'll respect your own relationship with yourself. relationships are built and nurtured. no way around it.

11. a man who is family oriented. a man who strives for success and financial freedom and stability, but who also understands the importance of family. i have an amazing, warm, supportive family. a family of strong personalities yes, but a family with lots of love and protective kinship. i want my partner to have a strong, loving family background as well so he knows the meaning of acceptance and love.

12. he must be passionate about me. because i will be passionate about him. he must know that i am the only one for him, because he will be the only one for me. the relationship will be mutually committed because there's no desire for anything else. it will be incredibly sexually compatible and emotionally safe. we will bring out the best in each other.

13. he will love me as much as i love him. that's a lot of love and it will benefit and positively change even those around us.

14. he will want to get to know me and want me to get to know him on the deepest of levels.

15. preferably, he will be more of a night owl than an early riser.

16. he's an inherently happy, optimistic person. nothing is scarier than a deeply unhappy person. we all have our ups and downs but people who are deeply unhappy...it's almost a character flaw. these people have no desire to become happier and will turn down or rebuke any attempt from others to help them find happiness. deeply unhappy people prefer to stay unhappy. they dig bottomless holes. they're quite dangerous to anyone who wants to live a happy, fulfilling life. i need someone who is a happy person, because it's inherently happy and optimistic people who are able to be strong and keep their heads above water in times when life gets really difficult.

17. he must be a man. so many men don't seem to understand what a man is. it is not being hard. it's not going through the motions. it's not saying what you would like to do or how you would like to be seen, but having no substance with which to back it up. being a man is about taking responsibility for yourself first and foremost, about knowing when to be strong and when to be gentle. about knowing that when life is difficult, you don't run away. about knowing that if you love someone, you should treat them as such. being a man means being composed of the highest moral fiber, and knowing when to admit a mistake and when to forgive yourself or others. being a man means knowing you're human, but still wanting to be the best person you can be and doing right by yourself and others. i really don't have time for anyone unless they're a man, first and foremost. all the boys in the world have used up my patience.

18. he is someone i can look at every day and know that he is the one. he is the one who is the answer to my question and to which i am the answer to his question. he's the one i've been looking for, and i'm the one he's been looking for. i've almost got myself in the right position. and when i do, he will find me and he'll already know, and the way i'll know is that he's going to ask the right questions.

I get mistaken for 25, 26 years old a lot. That has been interesting. Especially when 50 year olds are hitting on me like I'm going to take what they're offering seriously. I think I've been mistaken for 25, 26 for about 12 years now. I used to look older for my age, and now I look younger. My mom always believed I would end up with someone a lot younger than me (she still laments that my brother's trainer is only 22 and not ready to settle down). Someone younger will look up to me and adore me so there's no competition, she says. I think I'll end up with either someone younger, or more likely, older. The biggest issue in my past relationships has been either the person feels insecure so they're always trying to compete with me (I see relationships as places of safety so it doesn't allow me to relax and feel safe if the person closest to me is trying to compete with me...I'm competitive by nature but I usually focus that energy on competing with myself to continually evolve into a better version of myself), or they want me to dominate and completely take care of them (I have a strong personality but I'm not comfortable dominating or being dominated. I want someone strong like me, but who can be a gracious partner like me). I definitely don't want a partner who sees our partnership as a competition, but I want them to have an open and curious mind and spirit. I think I'll end up with someone if not actually older in age, then in spirit because they will be able to continually teach me things while understanding that I am a continual work in progress.

But then, I see myself as having a young spirit but an old soul. I probably need someone who's the same. Whichever side each person puts in the forefront at a given moment, is what brings out the most in the relationship in a complementary way. It's a dance. There's a chemistry. The different parts within each person just work well balancing out the sum of both people.

Men in Seattle have not been very interesting to me. I'm bored. But I think that's probably a good thing. I should really be writing. Like right now. I'm supposed to be thinking about a wax museum and a bag of chips. I have about 25 hours. Think, Julia. Think. No, stop going to the fridge. There are no answers in there. Get back here and think.

actually, i do find that more synchronicities tend to happen during a retrograde. especially the phenomenon of thinking about someone, and they either show up or call out of the blue, or some other tie from the past emerges. the reflection in hindsight after the retrograde ends is usually very rich and beneficial to a person's path ahead. it's just all the inconveniences when you're in it that are such a bitch to deal with.

In the Waiting Line by Zero 7 was playing at the cafe when we walked in today. "Good song," I said to the barista as soon as I realized it, and asked her if she was playing the whole CD, thinking it was Simple Things by Zero 7 (one of the my favorite all-time albums). But the next song was the Shins and I realized it was the Garden State soundtrack. So random that I would know the music because I don't consider myself to know that much music...just my small world of it, the music that's tied to my emotions and inner world.

But regardless, the most interesting thing was this. When I was waiting on the stairs under the bridge the other day, I was listening to Simple Things by Zero 7. I remembered how recently, the song Destiny had been one of my moods (the Wed before finding out about the Mercury's return, in fact). I thought, that would be crazy if he walked up while that song was playing. He didn't. However, the song that was playing when he walked up, was In the Waiting Line.

The world is synchronized.

Do you believe
In what you see
Motionless wheel
Nothing is real

because aren't these synchronicities of fate just evidence of the divine?

the more gentle i am, the stronger i am

Today is a 9 Day

Which means it's my day.

Which means I get to do whatever I want.

Which means I want to make...lists!!!!

Stay tuned.

mercury is pulling out my past with a magnet. i'm finding all kinds of things i've never told anyone.

why my references to 6 years old? because that was my peak. that was the last time i remember boys and i still being equal. i want to find that again.

tomorrow is my best friend from when i was 6 year's old's birthday. we haven't seen each other since we were about 8. i have his work address--he's a neurosurgeon in boston. i'd contemplated sending him a birthday card, but figured if i felt stronger about it, i would eventually do it. now in hindsight, seeing as it's tomorrow, i guess i didn't really want to send it.

i remember when i looked him up a few years ago. found his college email. tried it even though it was a long shot. he was ecstatic to hear from me. we traded emails and he told me that when he called his mom and said, "Guess who contacted me today?" His mom said, "Pei-hua?" And he said, "How did you know!!!" He said that his mom always thought we'd get married.

we were both going to be home in the bay area for thanksgiving. we made plans to meet up. i was supposed to call. i didn't.

that was the end of that. i don't know. i guess i didn't want to burst that bubble. we were best friends. we loved and hated each other. but when we banded together, we were superhuman. my life sucked after they separated us. but i finally got back on my feet again, as the woman i was destined to be. both of us were so headstrong, my mom always said, whatever you do, never never never marry a guy like him because you two will compete until you kill each other. there is something beautiful about the memory of a little boy i shared my last years of childhood happiness with. but perhaps i've traveled to a different place, and that world is left exactly where it should be, for it to light my night's sky.

when i jump, the world is just a pinpoint.

when i fall, i land in a world of giants.

if you can't save me

then join me

we will teach each other how to fly.

it's hard for me to have to say goodbye in the day time. it's like a part of me couldn't be there so half of me missed it. i always feel better with night-time goodbyes. i'm there, i'm conscious, i'm feeling and understanding everything, but yet at night, it makes it easier for me to believe that i will see the person again.

one day i'm going to be the dalai lama of weed.

the sight the will and the way

for some people, it just unlocks them.

the most important thing is for people to see their own reflection

Be honest...is it mean if the person doesn't know he's being mocked?

julia laughing.
julia crying.

what a wonderful and beautiful day.

Mercury you FUCKFACE. You have me entered in the screenwriting contest under the name of my BONG.

You're a dick, you know that?

Fine.

I will write under the pseudonym, BC Chillum.

You're a real comedian.

Challenge #1 assignment

GENRE - Romance

LOCATION - A wax museum

OBJECT - A bag of potato chips

90's Flashback

She thinks, we look at each other
Wondering what the other is thinking
But we never say a thing
These crimes between us grow deeper.

-Dave Matthews Band, Ants Marching

My Bright Fuse profile that I'm using to represent myself on the job front. The more I think about it, the more I want a company that can really utilize my unique skillset, instead of me trying to fit my unique skillset into an existing structure. As my dad always says, I'm a competitor and a winner. As my coworkers used to say, I seem to make the most improbable things happen by way of magic. I want to be able to have a good situation to exercise everything I'm capable of doing. Otherwise, I'll just take a whatever job that allows me to observe life (my God, how badly I want to be a cook or a bartender), or just start up something else on my own again.

Judging By Appearances

If you know me, then you know that one of the most traumatic things that happened to me in my life was that I had a perm. For like 6 years.

Yes, I had a giant, curly triangle on my head that my mother imposed on me from the ages of 11-17. Luckily, she wasn't a hypocrite as she had one as well, so at least I have that excuse--I didn't choose the perm, the perm (by way of the will of the Jean) chose me.

On top of that, I was overweight. My friends from high school say they don't remember me as being overweight, just really stocky and athletic, but Virgo runs in the family on my mom's side, so I was always being told that I was fat and needed to lose weight. It totally gave me a complex so I spent most of my life on a diet, self-imposed or mother-imposed.

By the time I hit senior year of high school, I'd had enough and cut most of my hair off, growing it out again straight. My mom told me, your face is too big...you'll never look good with straight hair, but I didn't care. I couldn't deal with another year of having a perm. And I've never looked back.

This is what I mean when I say my childhood had been character-building. Because my mom and I are so alike, she often had trouble recognizing me as an autonomous being, and to this day, even though we are close like sisters, our biggest conflicts arise out of my needing her to recognize that she doesn't determine my life. But needless to say, when you have a perm and are overweight, you struggle with confidence, and when you struggle with confidence, you don't exactly welcome the center stage. So I spent the first stages of my life observing people and life from the sidelines, learning the importance of being a good, kind person, and dreaming of the day when I could have a steamy clandestine affair with a hot Hollywood actor, because I no longer looked like me.

Last month when I saw Rie, we were driving to dinner and she was asking me about my childhood. The fact I had a perm has always been a running joke because I'd cut it off by the time I got to college so she's never seen me in a perm, but she and Eric had once made a joke that my head looked like an eggplant and I never let them live it down. I told her that because I wasn't attractive, because I had a lot of upsetting things going on at home (my parents were always fighting because of stress from running a company together and my brother's issues), and because I had issues at school (I seemed to always have conflict with groups of girls who liked to gang up on me and give me trouble), I wasn't trusting of people or the world. I saw the world from a very negative and angry place, one that always seemed to sabotage me just as I found a way to feel okay about myself. When I realized I was good at sports, a girl who was jealous of me (a girl, in fact, I had taken a slap for by a girl on another team when I came to defend her) told the varsity softball team that I was telling people that I was the best player ever to come out of the school, so one day they surrounded me outside the locker room to beat me up. My basketball coach saw but pretended she didn't because she didn't want to get involved. This guy, Robert, who will always be an angel to me because of this, broke it up and I remember crying in his bear arms as he held me. Later, my dad went to talk to the coach who said he couldn't let me on the varsity team because I "didn't seem to get along with the other girls." Here I was, being scouted by college teams, and he wouldn't even let me onto the varsity team which had come in last place in the league, because he couldn't deal with teenage girl drama. So I was relegated to the junior varsity team where at least I won the Most Valuable Player award to salvage the humiliation, and despite my dreams of the Olympics, I quit the sport after that season.

My parents were having major problems. There were explosive arguments. Once, literally over spilled milk, my dad went into a rampage, throwing things at me. By then, I had my driver's license so I left, sleeping in my car outside of motels, showering at the gym in the morning but still going to school. I was a good kid; I didn't have the guts to cut class. I guess because my parents thought I'd run away, they contacted the school and found out I was still showing up for class. I remember the day I got pulled out of class and led into a small office. This police officer came in and rather than asking if I had trouble at home, he yelled at me about what I planned to do with my life, if I knew what happens to "kids like me," if I planned to throw away my life by being irresponsible and disrespectful, that he knew kids like me that thought life was a joke, but he was here to tell me I better shape up or else. It sounded like a canned speech, one he probably gave to every trouble student that came through, but the fact was, I was an honor student, I'd never been in trouble before, I'd already been accepted into the honors college of a top school so I clearly wasn't throwing my life away, and again, nobody ASKED why I left home. I remember crying through that whole speech, and having to sit through the rest of my day in classes forcing myself not to cry when really, I just wanted to disappear.

The summer before senior year, after I'd cut off that god-forsaken perm, I worked at the local gym. I wanted to work in the cafe (one of my favorite joys in life--feeding people), but they assigned me to work in the locker room. Apparently, it's notorious for being the worst job that only recent immigrants take it, but because I didn't know better and was just happy to work at the gym, I accepted it.

My job was to keep the locker room clean. The first week on the job, there was someone who kept shitting in the showers. I mean, I don't know if they were giving themselves enemas or what, but it was explosive...it was all over the walls. And I had to clean it up because it was my job, so I did. I remember telling my parents about it and they were really upset and told me to quit. But I figured, this is the kind of thing that keeps me humble and I was happy to be making money, so I stayed on even though it was awful (to this day, I still think the shitting was someone who worked for my parents and was getting back at them by fucking with me). I met this guy who worked at the gym and he was a really nice guy. He started leaving me really sweet notes and we went out a few times. I was really shy...I was 17 and never had a boyfriend. He was my first kiss.

Then one day, a month later, this other girl who worked at the gym said she wanted to talk to me and pulled me out to the parking lot. She told me that the guy was an asshole and was never going to tell me, so she had to. He had a girlfriend...someone he'd been dating for years. He was just messing around with me.

That was devastating. And because I'm kind of timid in confronting people sometimes, I never told him I knew. I just stopped hanging out with him. But I remember being really depressed for a while, quitting to work at a restaurant. I think it must have had a really deep effect on me, because I went through college without dating, not having my first real boyfriend until after I'd graduated. There's an urban legend at Michigan that if a virgin were to ever graduate from our school, these two stone pumas outside our library would roar. When I graduated, I remember specifically going by the library to check out the pumas to see if they had come to life.

So many of these incidences made me not feel very connected with people or the world. I kept myself self-contained, and didn't really trust people to have good intentions unless they proved themselves. I felt like I was really angry and bitter, all through college, at least that was my memory of it, but that night in the car with Rie when I told her some of this, she was surprised.

"Didn't you think I was an angry person?" I asked her.

"I had no idea," she said. "I've always thought really highly of you, Julia."

I remember turning my head to look out the window, tears stinging my eyes. I'm so lucky to have a friend like Rie. It's so much about perception...I must have been in a lot of pain growing up, and it clouded my perception of the world, but I was probably still a nice person because that's who I am inherently. But I couldn't see it. I couldn't feel it. I remember when my 2nd year college roommate Michele got married, I went to her wedding and her sister (whom I've never met) came rushing up to me.

"So you're Julia!" she said. She gave me a big warm hug like I'd been a family friend for a lifetime. "We're so thankful to you. Michele had a really rough time her first years of college, and if it hadn't been for you, she probably would have dropped out. You mean so much to her." I was shocked. I remember late night conversations with Michele. But I didn't remember being any kind of guiding light or rock of support. Just feeling lost myself, and Michele listening to me. I guess that's perception. I guess I was feeling so bad about myself, I never saw that I was important to people.

I told Rie that I would have never dreamed that I would one day be in the place I am today. I could have never imagined that someday I would have the confidence to navigate this world the way I do now, to go after the things I wanted. Most of all, I would have never, ever, ever, ever, ever imagined that I could be good-looking.

"Really?" she said. "I can't believe that."

"Never," I said. "I don't really like to look at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I look at myself and I can't believe this person I'm looking at. But I don't put too much attention into it, because any day now, it could change again. So I just keep focusing on what I know, that I'm a good person who wants to do good in this world."

Today, as I was walking home, I saw a red-haired guy with glasses and a laptop bag hurrying down the stairs towards me. When he looked up at me, he stopped in his tracks.

"Wow," he said. "You look really fantastic today."

I laughed and thanked him, and he smiled, sincerely. It was a really nice thing for him to say, and I really appreciated it.

I think this is why I don't understand this pervasive feeling in Seattle. It doesn't happen all of the time, like the interaction today was a nice one. But I also have these experiences where people are kind of rude to me without getting to know me because they assume I'm a bitch. And they seem surprised when I'm not, and they'll mention, "You're nicer than I thought you would be. Most girls like you are usually bitchy."

"Like you" ?

What does that mean?

I hate people who think that I must take things for granted, because of the things I have now, because of how easy life seems to come to me.

What they don't know is, everything I have, I've earned. For years, I was judged for being ugly. Now I'm being judged for not being ugly. For years I was disregarded for what I didn't have. Now I'm being disrespected for what I do have. Sometimes, I feel like with small-minded people, you can't win. All it shows is how judgmental they are, how insecure they feel about themselves, and it reminds me why it doesn't matter what other people think. I want to surround myself with people who appreciate me for the core of what I am--a good person with a kind heart. I don't give a shit what smaller people try to project onto me. Because that's their garbage, not mine.

oooh, screenwriting competition starts at 11:59PM tonight! wish me luck! wait, i don't need luck. wish me inspiration!

Space Needle at dusk. Seattle, like me, is more beautiful at night

Conversation with Michael the last night he was here

Me: Have you seen any ghosts lately?
Michael: Not really.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that there are aliens here?
Michael: Yes.
Me: How so?
Michael: Just that when someone's not telling the truth, I wonder if they're from outer space.

(Michael and I aren't so different after all...)

Me: Do you like this place?
Michael: Yes, because you can hear everything.
Me: Do you feel like I made the right choice with this place?
Michael: You should have gotten it sooner.
Me: I don't think this city was available to me sooner.

We talked about our mom. He tells me that I sing better than her because I sing "loud and high" and she can't.

Michael: She doesn't like to show her emotions.
Me: Mom's hard to train, isn't she?
Michael: Yes, she is.
Me: Does dad show his emotions?
Michael: Yes, he knows how.
Me: Can you?
Michael: I can sing loud and high.
Me: No you don't. You rarely sing. Do you mean you sing loud inside, even though we can't hear you?
Michael: Yes.
Me: So inside, your singing is loud and full of emotion, but you just look quiet to us.
Michael: Yes.
Me: And that's just the way it is?
Michael: That's just the way it is.

We talked about our dad. Michael said that Dad is a lot calmer and takes things easy now. He told me that our dad used to spank him with a belt. What? I didn't know this. He said, just once. The way he described it, it sounded like my dad might have been drunk.

Michael: Dad came into my room one night and spanked me with a belt. He came in, he could barely talk or walk. He got mad because I was being defiant and he spanked me. But it's over now. He regrets and he knows it's not okay.
Me: Have you talked about it?
Michael: I told him, I didn't like what he did then, but I forgive him.
Me: Did you really say this to him.
Michael: I thought about saying it.
Me: Promise me you will.
Michael: Okay.
Me: Promise me you won't forget. It will be important for him.
Michael: Okay.

A happy Michael and a Sun Dial