The Berlin Wall came down, too. And shortly after, people realized, it's JUST A WALL. It is an object you can climb over. God will not strike you down. It's just the crazy people on the other side who make things dangerous. Bullshit politics, just a power play by men with unchecked egos who lack enough scruples and respect to manipulate weaker men. They create symbols of fear and then feed that fear by bullying the masses. Children are born into the world and taught to fear this wall because their parents do, and their parents did, but these kids have no idea why. And it goes on until this wall, this graffiti'd hunk of concrete, becomes this monster that could mean not just death, but the destruction of your soul and everything you believe in. The collective fear snowballs into phobic proportions. Again, IT'S JUST A FUCKING WALL. We need to stop letting people fuck with us. They tell us what we should be afraid of, because somehow, the people who clawed their way to the top GET to dictate what people should be afraid of, and what we're taught to fear is probably beneficial to some ASSHOLE sitting on his high horse (or in the oval office, or in some palace somewhere) to further his personal selfish agenda. We need to force ourselves to THINK FOR OURSELVES and keep an eye out for selfish agendas that aren't looking out for the collective. Not necessarily be dogmatic. But just make an effort to not just blindly accept things as they're handed to us, especially when it comes to how we're told to perceive our world, and where we should place our values. This is the responsibility of every individual human being.

So I'm sitting here, procrastinating from working as I usually am late at night, and I'm reading random blogs. Some of them are boring...really technical people talking about system programs and codes. Some are really personal and interesting, like people who use their blogger as a personal webpage and journal. I posted a link to one last week I think...it's the blog of a 16 year-old girl living in Mexico. She's very articulate and charming, and has a lot of wisdom for someone so young. She seems really cool. But she'll post these things about which guy she likes, what high school drama went on, etc. and then post something really worldy about her view of society and people. It's like reading someone's diary...someone who's on the brink of realizing all the knowledge and insight she has to give to the world, but yet is still a little frightened of taking the reins of her potential. It's that place in someone's life, between the state of having your eyes still clouded by childhood and the realization that you are an individual perspective that can manifest itself for better or for worse within its environment. She's like an infant before realizing her legs are strong enough to stand upon...she makes little self-effacing comments whenever she talks about ways in which she is affecting change in her surroundings. Reading her blog makes me wish that I had kept a diary more diligently when I was growing up.

This week's music recommendation: Bran Van 3000 (since I've already recommended Lovage). Crazycoolcreative! Awesome beats for you to chill to or pre-party to. And an interesting cover of Cum On Feel The Noise. Drinking In LA is an awesome song!! It's why I got this album.

Currently in my CD rotation:

1. Lovage (Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By)
2. Bran Van 3000 (Glee)
3. Yo La Tengo (Painful)
4. David Gray (Lost Songs)
5. G-Unit (Beg For Mercy)

Capturing the Friedmans is Incredible!

Holy mind fuck. One of the best documentaries I've ever seen. I've been wanting to see this since August after a psych professor recommended it. It's amazing and tragic and frustrating. The filmmakers do a really great job of showing many perspectives and not influencing the audience through the filmmaking, so that even at movie's end, you have no idea what happened or who to believe. But does it matter? It's not for me to judge. All I know is that many lives were torn apart by the accusations, and it's impossible not to feel immense compassion, particularly for Jesse. And even if the things that they were charged with didn't happen, there was definitely dysfunction in that family's life and some highly inappropriate and devastating behavior. There were also definitely many grievous actions and judgments that went on within the investigation. Complete witchhunt mentality, which was frightening in itself. The home videos capture some incredibly naked moments. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND renting this on DVD and watching all of the extras. They're almost better than the movie. This movie...seriously...it'll be on my mind for a while.

In the past few months I've been drawn to the issue of sexually inappropriate behavior within families and the psychological aftermath these things have on children after they become adults, particularly between a parent and a child.

I really want to take an opportunity here to talk about something I'm very serious about. There are many things that go on behind closed doors that people never talk about, because they are afraid, because they are ashamed, because they feel a sense of duty to their aggressors despite being victimized or because they are in denial and/or have no memory of the incident (s). In particular and quite unfortunately, sexual abuse, to its varying degrees, is not uncommon.

I read an eye-opening article a few months ago...

The Pyschological Impact of Sexual Abuse: Content Analysis of Interviews with Male Survivors (David Lisak, Journal of Traumatic Stress, Vol. 7, No. 4, 1994)

When I found this article, I was particularly interested in male victims with female perpetrators, since this is a very taboo subject and few men are willing to come forward due to fears of the social stigmas; I feel that so much work has been done from other perspectives, that it is very important that men victimized by women also have understanding and an outlet. This article was extremely powerful and heart-wrenching, especially when I read the quotes from survivors. I hope, to those who read the following, that this article will promote more understanding, and to those who have experienced forms of abuse, that they know that life does not have to be such a dark struggle, and that many things that are carried inside are things that do not need to be carried. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, a light that matches the light that resiliently burns deep within you, and which you deserve to be embraced by. Together, we need to break this cycle of hurt.

The stats (24 cases):

Age of onset: avg. 7.6 years old(range of 4-16)
Perpetrators: 7 mothers, 1 father, 5 siblings, 3 aunts, 2 uncles, 1 priest, 1 scout leader, 3 neighbors, 6 strangers (some were abused by more than one perpetrator). 53.8% were abused by intrafamilial perpetrators
-family environment often characterized by disruption and/or violence:

42.3% came from families of divorce, separation or parental death.
46.2% were physically abused
34.6% witnessed violence between their parents
50% had at least one alcoholic or drug abusing parent
80.8% have history of substance abuse themselves
50% actively thought about suicide
23% attempted suicide
69.2% have received psychological treatment
31% have victimized others at some point in their lives (this includes sexual abuse of children, rape of adult women, battery of female intimate partners, sadistic physical assaults on adult men)


Some interesting themes described in the article which pervade male survivors' experiences and lives:

Anger
Anger emerged in the men's autobiographies in many different forms. They talked about the experience of feeling overwhelmed with rage, of being afraid of their anger, of suppressing it and of discovering its existence...For some [the anger] seemed to conflict with their view of themselves, to make them see themselves in a less favorable light. Others expressed their fear of their violent fantasies or of losing control over their anger.

[SUBJECT]:If they knew what I thought, they wouldn't let me in society. No way. There's an incredible amount of violence and stuff that runs through my mind. And I'm really scared of it.

The fear of this anger, or confusion about how and when to express it appropriately, caused some men to actively suppress it. However, control and suppression of anger does not always work and some of the men described what several of them termed, "snapping."

Betrayal
A subject's sense of having had their trust or faith in someone violated by this person, either directly or by the person's perceived actions or thoughts or feelings...Most frequently, men expressed these feelings toward a parent, and most often because the parent failed to protect them from the abuse.

Fear
Men described fear pervading their lives, during the abuse, in the childhood aftermath of the abuse, and throughout the rest of their lives into adulthood. They described fear which could be a dull, ever present reality, or a dizzying experience of abject terror.

[SUBJECT]: I remember the first night I spent in there I screamed just to get out of there. Because that's where I had been molested. Though I didn't know that's why I was screaming. I was just terrified of the room.

[SUBJECT]: I started having panic attacks and I was afraid to have anybody in the house and I was afraid to go out and socialize with people.

[SUBJECT]: And I was afraid I was going insane.

Some men recalled a specific fear which gripped them in the aftermath of the abuse, the fear that they would be "discovered," that the secret they harbored would be revealed:

[SUBJECT]: And I would be petrified, utterly petrified that somebody might find out about me.

Helplessness
One of the most crucial aspects of the experience of abuse is a fundamental loss of control: over one's physical being, one's sense of self, one's sense of agency and self-efficacy, and one's fate. The profound helplessness inherent in this loss of control was one of the most deeply felt, yet also difficult to articulate aspects of the abuse experience for these men.

[S]: It's like my reoccuring dreams like I can't run. I always have dreams of the same thing. If I'm running, I can't move my legs and my arms. And somebody is coming down on top of me and I can't get up. And I'll wake up and jump out of my bed.

[S]: The world was evil, it's coming to get you, and you could do almost nothing to defend from it.

[S]: I just had to put up with it. That's the way she was. They were her rules. If she said I have to kiss her, I have to kiss her. If she says I have to hug her, I have to hug her. It was like I kept trying to fill her cup and it just kept running out. And she's standing there screaming "fill it, fill it, fill it!"

Particularly for men who were abused by adult women, the helplessness characterized their sexual encounters with women:

[S]: The defeat that I felt with my mother comes back often. I find it in my sexual relationships. A lot of times I allow people to be invasive because I'm used to it. And I've had a hard time setting up boundaries. I've had a hard time believing that my boundaries wer worthwhile, that they were worth keeping. I guess I often felt like I was the property of somebody else. And that anybody could just do whatever they wanted. And that I didn't have a right to have feelings about it.

[S]: All the scenes in college where the girls would seduce me, and I'd just kind of let them do whatever they want to do. Or I would do for them whatever they wanted me to do. And then just get out.

Another common expression of helplessness emerged in men's need for control, in their descriptions of emotional consequences of feeling out of control, in ways they compensated for the underlying feeling of helplessness:

[S]: I'm not going to be that vulnerable. And I know that's all part of the control thing I have.

[S]: And sometimes if I lose the slightest control, I think I'm going to die inside, I really do. I feel like I'm going to lose it, I'm going to die.

For a minority of men, the need to feel in control drove them to victimize other people:


[S]: The joy of seeing other people hurt, maybe not hurt...I guess it's hard to describe. Feeling that I was in control of dominating somebody. I had control over them and they were below me.

[S]: So I always felt somewhat powerless in sex for awhile, except with the younger kids, where I felt in control.

Isolation and Alienation
One of the most destructive legacies of childhood abuse is the stigma which attaches itself to the child, separating him from his peers, robbing him of his sense of belongingness, and seeding the potential for a lifelong struggle with alienation from other people. This sense of differentness, almost always linked to a deeply ingrained feeling of inferiority, interferes with the survivor's ability to seek and accept intimacy with others, sometimes resulting in a history of problematic relationships and chronic isolation:

[S]: But we had talked about intimacy and pain. And how I equate intimacy with pain. The people that I was intimate with from childhood, I went through incredibly painful experiences. Who would want to get intimate with someone....BAsically if you get that intimate someone could kill you, if you make one false move.

[S]: Nobody cares, nobody loves me. And no matter how much people tried to care and love me, I always said nobody did, because I couldn't feel it.

[S]: I didn't have anybody to talk to. There was nobody I could confide in. Or nobody I thought I could confide in. Nobody I thought would be able to understand or do any good. And I thought just to reveal this secret to anybody would just kill me.

[S]: I didn't feel like everyone else. I felt different. I was different. I was different because I had done this weird thing with [someone] and I don't know what that's about but I did it. And definitely no ordinary person would do that.

[S]: I remember clearly being on the playground and just not fitting in. I've heard a lot of people talk about being on the outside looking in. That was me.

[S]: I was alone. I was drifting. I would go from one social group to another, and just never stay anywhere enough time to develop any kind of deep relationship with anyone. I felt very isolated and alone.

Legitimacy
Many of the men struggled to acknowledge to themselves that they were in fact abused, and that the abuse had greatly affected them.

[S]: I feel like I'm just defective and a depressed person and that's why I feel this way.

[S]: This is the voice that goes on in my head. It makes me think I made it up. And it's subtle, because I know that I didn't make up the abuse. I think I'm making the memory. I know that happened, but I think I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill, is what I tell myself.

Masculinity Issues

[S]: I worried a lot about the size of my manhood or whatever, the size of my penis. I did. I was always comparing. I'd ask my girlfriends. And then I felt like I was going to die when they told me no, you're not the biggest man I've been with. You felt like a piece of dog shit.

[S]: I hate violence. I was always the wimp or the pussy to back down in school. I always shied away from violence. I even get nervous if people are yelling. Like somebody being mad at me for whatever reason. It's all interrelated.

**********************************************************************************

The entire article can be found at:

http://www.jimhopper.com/pdfs/Lisak_(1994)_Male_Survivor_Interviews.pdf

My brother, Michael and my roommate, Brian had an interesting conversation a few weeks ago. My brother was riled up and angry about an incident that happened earlier that day. Apparently, he was in a store and a woman, maybe not so politely, asked my brother, who's very sensitive to not-so-politely, to move aside so she could get past him. My brother recounted every moment of this minor conflict in his usual dramatic, borderline-hyperbolic manner. He described the woman's intentions and then her attitudes and then her planned actions towards him, getting more and more worked up before declaring, "And THEN...she says, move fucker!"

Brian, sensing a plausibility issue within this story, stopped him and asked, "Michael, did the woman really say that?"

Michael went silent, quickly flipping through his mental files of the event.

"No," he said, pausing, then adding quietly, "But she could have."

Brian responded patiently, "But she didn't."

Michael contemplates.

"No," he said. "But she could have."

Brian: "But she didn't."

Michael: "But she could have."

One day, if I have a son, I would hope that he picks Stroker Ace as his porn name.

I want to talk about porn again. You know why people who get addicted to porn get addicted to porn? It truly is an addiction. It helps them detach. To detach emotional intimacy from the act. Because something about it is scary or problematic or painful. Porns are so detached and mechanical. The end goal is just physical orgasm. The very nature of pornography and its relationship with the viewer in the long run will create unrealistic expectations within the viewer when it comes to sex or his/her partner, and even more tragically, will make it harder for that person to truly enjoy sexual experiences and everything it encompasses.

When someone dependent on porn experiences or witnesses something that has the emotional/spiritual passion to it, be that from watching a movie, glimpsing it between two strangers or within his or her own personal experience, it'll probably make this person feel somewhat uncomfortable because there's an emotional rawness to it that's scary. There are various causes but the bottom line is that something hurts them when it comes to sex. When someone "needs" porn (in that, they are extremely uncomfortable with the idea of not having porn immediately available), it definitely denotes problems related to sex and sexual intimacy, but also indicates a defensive ploy to protect an emotional wound. Just as with drugs and alcohol, I really worry about people who use porn to detach their emotions from sex or realistic relations with the opposite sex. It makes it much more difficult to be able to relate to someone from the opposite sex in a realistic and satisfying way. People who use porn to numb themselves will find it very difficult to relate in a healthy fashion. Because they already have an emotional/psychological issue but have dealt with it in the worst possible fashion, they will only attract experiences or people that actually hurt them. They're really shooting themselves in the foot. I would even bet money that if people did a psych survey, they would find that a high percentage of people who need control in their lives also watch porn or have issues with sex. For some reason, sex is problematic for the control freak.

If you're someone with a porn problem and saying, she's just judging us and that's fucked up. What gives her the right and what the hell does she know? Then let's just say, I've had some self-realizations as I continue my introspective phase and have realized some things that I've done to hurt myself. If you don't have a problem, then for the record, I'm just kidding y'all.

Julia's 5 Secrets to Successful First Dates

1. Know that in this day and age, dating someone whose personal history you do not know can be risky. Therefore, when setting up the first date, demand to meet in a public place. Upon arriving, make sure that your date knows that you have a "safety friend" at home who has all of your date's information, and will notify the police if you are not back by a certain time. This will free you from worrying about your safety and will allow you to fully enjoy your date.

2. If you begin to feel overwhelmed by nervousness, take deep breaths and count to ten. You have to try hard to prevent yourself from crying. While crying shows your sensitive side which may prove attractive to your date, most likely it will turn the person off. If you do cry, you can try, after you've collected yourself, asking if you can start over. But even if your date is a polite person, he or she may not be willing to start over.

3. During the date, do not try to create an air of teasing mystery by alternating between hinting that you are a lesbian/homosexual, and touching your date's penis/vagina without permission. This makes you neither mysterious nor classy.

4. Do not piss your pants before or during the date. After is only okay if your date is not spending the night.

5. People come in all shapes and sizes; not being of ideal form does not take away from a good person. But it may take away from good sex.

streamed by Julia 8:54 PM

Friday rocks. Post work. Chillin'. Leaning back in my chair, (dude be careful. you've tipped yourself flat on your back twice already this month) listening to a freakin' awesome album...

Lovage (Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By) ---------> You've got to get this!

and FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK dude, my old lady never had it anything like the way I gave it to her while I listened to this album.

No seriously, this album's rattles your bones with pure sex. Musical near-orgasm, making me wish I had an old lady...and then BAM...it hits you with something bizarrely funny. Fuckin' tease.

Awesome (sexy) cover of Sex (I'm A) by Berlin.

Julia's Guide to Road Zen

Yes, the road, like countries and corporations and gay porn sites, is ruled by assholes. It seems like every day, something happens that makes you wish you had a gat in your glove compartment that you could pull out and wave around, if only in hopes of making an offensive driver wet himself just a tiny bit into his tan, suede, manually-adjustable seat. Just a tiny bit. Is that so wrong?

But let's face an undeniable fact. We all do assholic things when we drive. No one is innocent. Hell, I bet if Jesus had a license and had to brave the streets of Los Angeles, he might be prone to, every now and then, accidentally cutting off an SUV-driving heathen or two while busting through two lanes of traffic to pull a screeching right into the Del Taco drive-thru. Who says it's not possible?

My point is, it's so easy to fall victim to road rage because driving is impersonal. We're all in our cars, and have no idea who the other people around us are. They're just machines to us. Big, poorly-directed, braking-too-early, not-running-yellows-when-they-should-be-freakin'-flooring-it machines. And it's easy to hate a machine.

But imagine this...you're driving in your car. Your day's starting out dandy cuz your 18 year old college gymnast girlfriend who only wants sex with no strings attached, woke you up with a mindblowing hummer and you're all rosy and glowing and your head's buzzin' from the quart of steaming coffee tucked between your legs. You've managed to hit every single green light on your way to work and the DJ at your favorite radio station has had a heart attack and collapsed with the door to his booth locked so you're favorite song, REO Speedwagon's "Can't Fight This Feeling" has been on repeat for the last twenty minutes. So you're singing along in that high-pitch voice you get when you're in a really good mood, thinking about rainbows and puppies and butterflies against blue skies, when SOME MUTHERFUCKER IN A SHITTY OLD VAN damn near takes off your bumper when he swerves into your lane. You're SO FUCKING PISSED that you can't even find the horn. Then your steaming thermos of coffee tips over and floods your crotch, napalming your pubes through your new white cargos. You hit the gas and swerve into the next lane intent on having some WORDS with this ma'fucker. AND YOU ARE GONNA HAVE SOME WORDS WITH THIS MA'FUCKER! As you pull up to the offending van, murder boiling in your veins, you realize to your chagrin that the driver is no other than Sister Bonita of St. Joseph's who taught you music back when you were a wee tot and once donated a kidney to your beloved Auntie May when she was on her last legs. Sister Bonita, about 90 years old and just about swimming in her nun's habit, is driving a van full of bug-eyed special ed kids who are waving at you happily and feverishly through the windows. Sister Bonita notices you staring, and offers a kind smile. So what are you gonna do, tough guy?

Right. Nothing. Probably smile back and feel a little bit embarrassed. Because when you realized that the car that offended you is another PERSON, possibly someone you like and respect, then it's so much easier to be tolerant and forgiving and suppress that road rage.

So next time you're on the road and someone does something stupid that makes your blood boil, imagine that the driver is your best friend or girlfriend or pastor or favorite porn star. Whatever it takes to personalize it. Once you humanize those who share the road with you, you'll discover the secret to maintaining zen on the road.

1015 Santa Monica Building Memo
Date: January 30, 2004
From: 3am Wanderer
To: Hot English Guy Who's At Least 10 Years Older Than Me

Dear Hot English Guy Who's At Least 10 Years Older Than Me But Sometimes Rides The Elevator And Small Talks About Being Used To Colder Weather But Liking It Out Here And Has A Really Nice Smile And No Wedding Ring,

We ride the elevator together sometimes. And you always small talk about the weather. I'm the Asian girl who mumbles to herself. And compulsively presses every button.

I think you're cute. In a, at-least-10-years-older-than-me kind of way, not in a I-want-to-go-out-and-go-through-all-the-tedious-first-date-formalities-before-taking-you-back-to-my-place-for-crazy-raunchy-sex-that-may-include-my-suggesting-that-we-turn-on-the-video-camera-in-the-corner-of-my-bedroom-but-that-i'll-probably-just-turn-on-when-you're-in-the-bathroom-and-then-lie-about-because-I-don't-want-you-asking-for-a-copy-of-it kind of way.

I like to look at you. In a he's-really-cute-in-an-at-least-10-years-older-than-me kind of way, not in a I-wonder-what-he's-wearing-underneath-those-jeans-and-if-it's-leopard-print-or-crotchless-and-how-hard-would-it-be-to-remove-that-undergarment-with-my-teeth-as-I-writhe-my-rear-end-to-Donna-Summer's-Love-To-Love-You-Baby kind of way.

I notice that lately, you've been standing in the hall outside my window and chatting with coworkers. I would like to suggest that you do more of that. If it's helpful, I'll be happy to put some tape down to mark your spot in front of my window so you know exactly where to stand in order for me to get the best candid view of you without reconfiguring my work station or straining my neck. Please let me know.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Kind Regards,

3am Wanderer

some days hurt more than others.

You know what I hate? People who can't come up with their own shit. People who always talk in movie quotes and set jokes and ideas and theories of people they've read or people they've heard, and they think it makes them sound smart and witty and socially accepted because they're scared to come up with their own ideas and beliefs. Fuck that. Are you going to be an empty shell of a human being for the rest of your life, or are you going to start contributing to the world?

Today's mood: drunk

i waited for you by the midnight tracks
loud moon howling,
get the fuck off my territory
but i didn’t know he was talking to me

blank eyed broken down tossed together
in a cardboard box
lost in the exhale of someone
who thinks he can ache harder
thinks his hands might be bigger than his broken body
bleeding to find what it was that keeps him from forgetting
a slow plummet that was over long before
it started
cracked by a rock bottom but at least there was a rock bottom
(don’t let them pity you kid
it’s not what you’re parents like to see)

when the distant screech of metal against metal
brought me back to life

and the whisper of
some say the soul departs long
before the body hits the ground

echoing
through the teeth of the wind

i'm tired, kids. i'm tired of keeping secrets. it always made me sad how i feel like no one knows me, that no one really tries to get to know me. but is it because other people aren't trying, or because i've made such grand efforts to hide myself? i have no idea. but i'm tired of hiding all this shit. i'm so sorry for the things i've done. i'm so sorry for the people i've hurt. and mostly, i'm so sorry for the way i've treated myself, and the crazy self-punishments i've enforced.

i'll tell you about a vision i had:

they came to take away the body
and everything in there was lush green
except for this one shadow that slashed across
the right side of the room
driving a wedge through everything it was
and everything it thought it could be
and no one ever reached out a hand to touch it
to verify if it was even really there

i've seen a lot of ghosts
(we all have, haven't we?)

and i've played every single one of them.

To warp the words of Howie D., "Lately I've been drinking, and lately I've been thinking of you."

So let's play the drunken dysfunctional what if game:

What if the rules had been broken a few more times and I hadn't talked you into staying?
What if the dreams that we dreamed were just the hopes of two people waiting to self destruct?
What if everything you said was true and everything I said was true and it was easier to make lies from them than to believe the truth?
What if I had been the one to throw in the towel early and cut you off at the knees so you could feel my pain?
What if you hadn't come home drunk that night and beaten my insides so badly that I begged you to finish the job?
What if everything you knew to be true was a lie, and I was actually the one fucking with you?

It's been years since I've seen you but maybe it's time for me to confront your ghost. Because I see your ghost in every man I meet. I tell you I've seen it all. I've seen the dark side and I've seen the light and you are neither. You have barely existed in this world that moves too fast for a little boy crying into his sleeve. I've tasted beatings from every man and woman I've met and nothing tastes sweeter than the ones I give myself. You are the speck hidden on the side of the roof hinged in just the wrong way broken black and daring the world to drop you into oblivion. You haven't haunted anything except the sad little boy hiding in his daddy's shadow and one day when something bigger than you takes over and you're not so much drowning as forgetting to breathe, you'll remember the one person who reached out a hand and realize that you really fucked up and there's nothing left in the world that won't turn against you.

Journeys into the night last a lifetime, my friend
and you have no time to sleep
when the morning comes with the debris scattered around
you will think about what is worthy to keep
in your dreams you are flying
but deep down you know
that some things will never return
you've put your eggs in a bottomless basket
and you're fucked when you realize you can never let go

So I'm sitting here, procrastinating from working as I usually am late at night, and I'm reading random blogs. Some of them are boring...really technical people talking about system programs and codes. Some are really personal and interesting, like people who use their blogger as a personal webpage and journal. I posted a link to one last week I think...it's the blog of a 16 year-old girl living in Mexico. She's very articulate and charming, and has a lot of wisdom for someone so young. She seems really cool. But she'll post these things about which guy she likes, what high school drama went on, etc. and then post something really worldy about her view of society and people. It's like reading someone's diary...someone who's on the brink of realizing all the knowledge and insight she has to give to the world, but yet is still a little frightened of taking the reins of her potential. It's that place in someone's life, between the state of having your eyes still clouded by childhood and the realization that you are an individual perspective that can manifest itself for better or for worse within its environment. She's like an infant before realizing her legs are strong enough to stand upon...she makes little self-effacing comments whenever she talks about ways in which she is affecting change in her surroundings. Reading her blog makes me wish that I had kept a diary more diligently when I was growing up.

OH MY GOD! LOOK AT THE LAST LINE OF THIS ARTICLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thar she blows! Dead whale explodes
(article from MSNBC http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4096586/)

TAIPEI - Residents of Tainan learned a lesson in whale biology after the decomposing remains of a 60-ton sperm whale exploded on a busy street, showering nearby cars and shops with blood and organs and stopping traffic for hours.

The 56-foot-long whale had been on a truck headed for a necropsy by researchers, when gases from internal decay caused its entrails to explode in the southern city of Tainan.

Residents and shop owners wore masks while trying to clean up the spilt blood and entrails.

"What a stinking mess. This blood and other stuff that blew out on the road is disgusting, and the smell is really awful," a BBC News report quoted one Tainan resident as saying. The sperm whale was being carried by truck through Tainan.

The whale had died on Jan. 17 after it beached itself on the southwestern coast of the island.

Researchers at the National Cheng Kung University in Tainan said enough of the whale remained to allow for an examination by marine biologists.

Once moved to a nearby nature preserve, the male specimen -- the largest whale ever recorded in Taiwan -- drew the attention of locals because of its large penis, measured at some five feet, the Taipei Times reported.

"More than 100 Tainan city residents, mostly men, have reportedly gone to see the corpse to 'experience' the size of its penis," the newspaper reported.

*******************************************************

"...have gone to see the corpse to 'experience' the size of its penis." My Taiwanese brothers and sisters...it's bad enough that a whale explodes in the middle of your city, but did you really have to clamor in front of newsreporters to visit a corpse and "experience" its five-foot penis? Couldn't you have at least pretended to be a little more nonchalant about it? I swear, I'm afraid what my relatives back in Taiwan are going to send me on their Christmas cards this year...

Name: Julia

Nickname: BitchGetOffMyPorch!

Age: 25

Birthday: 6/14

Occupation: Writer

# of Siblings: 1

Would You Give Them a Kidney? yes

Are You Friends With Your Parents? yes

Favorite Movie: Welcome to the Dollhouse

Favorite Actor/Actress: Kevin Spacey. I'll watch anything he's in. / Helen Hunt

Favorite Book: I Know This Much Is True (Wally Lamb), American Psycho (Bret Easton Ellis), Barrel Fever (David Sedaris), Only Love is Real (Brian Weiss)

Favorite Band/Singer: Since the Backstreet Boys are technically a "group," I can't decide. I listen to everything.

Favorite Song: Oh, Eye of the Tiger, hands down. Best Make-Out Song. EVER. Or maybe, I Got You, Babe, by Sonny and Cher because they sound wasted. Seriously? I used to love Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover by Sophie B. Hawkins, until I found out that it's a lesbian song. Okay, fine. I still do.

Favorite Drink: Mojitos or Absolut Kurant and Gingerale. Oh...maybe they're not looking for an alcoholic drink. Shoot, now I sound like I have a problem. I love that C&C grape drink...it's a Japanese grape soda pumped up with vitamin C.

Dream Car: A hot pink hovercraft

Places You Would Most Like to Travel: Seattle, China, Italy, Germany, Egypt, back in time

Luxury Item If You Were on Survivor: Toothbrush

Favorite Quote: I wrote you a long letter because I didn't have time to write you a short one.

Favorite Word: what?

Least Favorite Word: moist

Favorite Cuss Word: punk-ass bitch

[extra credit] James Lipton should be...shot or castrated and shot? shot, castrated and then his big, fat head bronzed

Favorite Pick-Up Line: Sheeeit, baby, you so fine that if we was in prison, I'd totally make you my bitch.

How Many People Have You Kissed: I am the make-out queen.

How Many Of Those Were Conscious: Okay, none.

In High School, I was a... ...um, girl?

If You Were Running From the Law--Mexico, Canada or The Backwoods of Arkansas? Man, they kill us slanty-eyed folks in Arkansas! I'm goin' to Mexico. They've got cheap mango margaritas there...

Are You Hot? Yes.

I Mean, Are You Really Hot? Yes. Now get off my corner. I'm working.

On a Scale of 1 to 10 [with 1 being, "Holy crap man, it wasn't even human!"], Exactly How Bad Was He/She the Sober Morning After? Man, you don't even want to know. And this was every morning for two years.

If You Could Be Any Person of the Opposite Sex, Who Would You Be? The lucky guy who gets to marry me. Okay, Owen Wilson. He's smart and sexy, he co-wrote Rushmore and Royal Tenenbaums (both incredible movies), he gets away with a funky nose, he can pull off leather pants...and he's from Texas. But the first thing I would do is ditch the hos and declare my love for my brother, Luke. Second choice, Michael Jordan. That guy could get away with murder.

If You Could Meet Anyone in History, Who Would You Want to Meet? Carl Jung or Nikola Tesla.

If You Could Sleep With Anyone in History, Would Would That Be? Um.....................I don't know. I'd like to cuddle with Jimmy Stewart.

If You Could Travel In Time, Where and Which Time Period Would You Go? 4th Grade, my elementary school. I've got some ass to kick. Or maybe to Germany in the 1800s before all that shit went down.

Do You Live in the Past, Present, or Future? Anything but the present.

Do You Believe in Love At First Sight? I believe in lust at first sight. But on rare occasions, that might grudgingly turn into love.

If You Had One Super-Power, What Would It Be? The ability to heal people.

If You Were Granted 3 Wishes, What Would They Be? [more wishes is not an acceptable answer] World Peace, Universal Happiness, and a huge rack.

Would You Rather Be Called Soulless or Gay? Gay, hands down

Human Beings--Inherently Good or Predisposed to Evil? Inherently good but it takes work to be and do good, and sometimes people take the easy way out.

What is Your Greatest Fear? That there's nothing more beyond this mundane reality.

What Is Your Biggest Regret In Life Thus Far? graduating from college early.

Are You Happy? If by happy you mean chain-smoking, Lil-Debbie addicted, grotesquely fat, incorrigibly white and aspiring to kick my 35 year-old unemployed son out of the trailer because it's about time he got a job and stopped livin' off his mama, then no, I'm not happy.

More not-working-at-the-office fun. This is between my infamous brother and I. I think he misunderstood my question and thought I said, "do you ever wish I had a girlfriend."


Me: do you ever wish you had a girlfriend?
mshh234: no
Me: never?
Me: why not?
mshh234: no no
Me: why not?
mshh234: that is gay
mshh234: i don't want a gay sister

and then it continued...

Me: wait, i said, do you ever wish YOU had a girlfriend?
Me: not if you wish I had a girlfriend
mshh234: yes
Me: why?
mshh234: someone to talk to & play with
Me: that would be good
Me: what kind of girls do you like?
mshh234: sehnse of humor girls and love to eat
Me: do you know anyone like that?
mshh234: yup
Me: who?
mshh234: you

...awww. I LUVS MY MICHAEL! But you can't have me. I'm dysfunctional.

More not-working-at-the-office fun:

Me: the family guy scripts are funny
Me: are they for sure bringing the show back?
jckurily: i dont know for sure
jckurily: i know there was talk about a movie
Me: oh. my. god. that would be AWESOME
jckurily: i know.
Me: do you watch that show?
jckurily: i have like 33 ep in my tivo
Me: nice
Me: you should dump them to tape to save room
Me: for things like queer eye and the oc
Me: i'm just kidding
jckurily: but how did you know...
Me: jake, we ALL know...
Me: there never really was an intern between sean and you, was there?
jckurily: no.. that was an imagination
jckurily: and jamie was a boy
jckurily: oh, god..i feel so dirty
jckurily: but i feel better for talking about it
Me: don't worry, many many many MANY young men enjoy being greased up by their employers and playing cabana boy during the afterwork hours
Me: it's pure metrosexual stress relief
Me: i won't judge
jckurily: oh... i am sooo relieved that I am not alone..
jckurily: maybe i can start a union for this
Me: you should
Me: Greasy Cabana Boys Who Are Not Gay But Still Really Really Love Their Overweight Bosses Association
jckurily: GCBWANGBSRRLTOBA for short... i think it will catch on
Me: LOL
jckurily: it just rolls of the tongue

Spending 40 hours a week next door to a mall is rotting my soul...

jckurily: hey, i was wondering if you wanted to have lunch tomorrow...
Me: sure thang
jckurily: cool
Me: can you come by century city mall?
jckurily: yup
Me: yay
Me: we'll talk shit
Me: about fat people
Me: and ugly people
Me: and sometimes fat ugly people
jckurily: thats the only way to feel better
Me: but the best way is talking shit about people who can't walk good
Me: because...you know...they can't walk good.
jckurily: thats just wrong julia

Taron asked me if I would be his Valentine. As cute as it was, I wonder if maybe he wasn't so much romantically motivated, as he was just trying to stop me from selling my soul to the devil by getting in a hotboxed lesbian clown car with Margaret Cho and heading up to SacTown for a gay marriage rally over Valentine's weekend.

For those who like IQ tests:

http://www.iqtest.dk/main.swf

shameless self-promotion...you can ignore this. I just found this press release for a festival I won at that I've never seen before and want a copy of. Other creative links for me.

Cojones on ifilm
(they deleted all our credits when they revamped the site, but my shitty little movie is still there. Stars the "I love you seven!" Girl from the Sorority Sprint commercial, the lovely Ms. Tina Kapousis.)

http://www.ifilm.com/filmdetail?ifilmid=114308

Commercials
www.davestroup.com

(under the Commercials section)
Match.com and Hallmark (wrote and directed)



NEW YORK INTERNATIONAL INDEPENDENT FILM AND VIDEO FESTIVAL

Press Release
The New York International Independent Film and Video Festival is the largest
festival of its kind in the world today. Founded in 1993 by Stuart Alson, this
festival has been recognized by the film and entertainment industry as one of
the leading film events on the independent festival circuit. This year the
festival went bicoastal with events in New York and Los Angeles! Our festival
delegates also have the opportunity to screen internationally at high-profile
film markets including MIFED and Cannes.

Festival Highlights We are looking forward to showcasing world premieres,
special screenings and over 100 features, shorts, documentaries and animation in
our New York festival. Highlights include AFTER THE STORM, Guy Ferland's finely
observed story about the loss of innocence and the seductive power of greed
starring Benjamin Bratt and Armand Assante. BOROUGH OF KINGS directed by Elyse
Lewin, is a coming of age film with a mob back drop starring Olympia Dukakis and
Philip Bosco. MOMENT IN TIME directed by Robert Orlando is an intense and
beautifully shot psychological drama starring Neil Maffin and Annika Peterson.
CUBA/ISLAND OF MUSIC is a vibrant documentary by Gary Keys about the ordinary
people of Cuba who have delivered to the world one of the greatest musical
creations of modern times. The documentary profiles world renowned artists such
as Orquesta Aragon, Los Zafiros and Manolin. -

LA Winners in New York A selection of award winning films from our LA Festival
(September 21-28, 2000) will also be included in the New York showcase,
including: THE KILLING ZONE winner of the Grand Jury Prize for Best Feature, a
dark, stylized pulp thriller directed by David Diaz; BREATHING UNDER WATER
starring newcomer Alexandre Pinto who captured the award for Best Actor; Michael
DeCarlo's WASHED UP starring daytime soap star Cameron Mathison; and ANITA
VELEZ: DANCING THROUGH LIFE written, produced and directed by daughter, Jane
Velez-Mitchell.

Shorts and animation include the perversely funny COJONES (LA Audience Award
winner) directed by Julia Sh*h; THE INVISIBLE SHELLEY, a surreal musical short
by Gary Miller who won the award for Best Directorial Debut; Nick Jameson's
(former member of FOGHAT) filmmaking debut FORTUNE INN; THE MEAT DRAW by Jon
Shaikh starring James Fleet and Brian Hibbard is a the hilarious winner of Best
Foreign Short and SUPERFUNK & FREAKY DEE, the Grand Jury winner for Best
Animation by the talented David Cowles.

Madison Square Garden The festival begins on Friday, December 1, 2000 with our
Opening Night Exhibition and Gala Celebration at Madison Square Garden and runs
through December 11, 2000. The opening night event is an interactive "open air
market" featuring both film and art. The whole spectrum of the entertainment
industry will be in attendance including film distributors, production
companies, record labels, literary agencies, gallery owners, art dealers,
casting agencies along with international press and media. Festival participants
get an excellent opportunity to promote their work by occupying booths and
networking with key contacts in the industry.


Industry Contact Elisabeth Fraller (212) 228-4739.

Press Contact Abby O'Sullivan (212) 387-0651

Box Office and Information Contact Stuart Alson (212) 777-7100

www.nyfilmvideo.com

A Radio Public Service Announcement From the Republican Party:

[jingle]

i lost my leg and it won't glue back
i lost my leg and it won't glue back
i lost my leg and it won't glue back
i ain't got another cuz my mama smoked crack.


ANNOUNCER: If you're pregnant and you're poor, don't smoke crack. Your child may need duplicate limbs in the event it catches a rare, etiologically-mysterious third-world disease because it was out on the streets every night, selling crack or sex or children for drug liquor and porn money and bleeding the government of funds meant for people in higher income brackets to use in times of below-average stock market performance or really old people whose forefathers fought in the civil war rather than people who can't get a job because they probably have a criminal record or don't even know how to read while sharing needles and condoms with the illegals and blacks and gays and probably even the brown-skinned turbans who build weapons of mass destruction in their garages and plan to uproot the institution of monogamy in favor of somewhat homosexual probably bestial debauched sex orgies within which they simultaneously pray to false gods with unlawful names during their carnal relations in front of young children. Because crack kills lepers.


The Republican Party. We understand real people with real problems.

I don't know why I'm putting this up. I don't know what's more annoying...them together or each of them on their own. They're both so trashy.


Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez were Hollywood's hot couple in October 2003. Now their relationship is as cold as their careers.
COMMENTARY
By Michael Ventre
MSNBC contributor

Updated: 11:31 a.m. ET Jan. 23, 2004

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are no more, and the harsh spotlight on them fades. Now Ben can relax and pursue a more sedate coupling with Paris Hilton, while Jen is free to become the next Mrs. Michael Jackson.

Although they are seemingly through with each other, Ben and Jen surely are not finished with celebrity romance. It’s in their DNA, like poor career choices and outlandish shopping sprees. Yet civilized society is in a much better place today, because Bennifer is officially Splitsville, and citizens can now line up at the supermarket checkout stand without getting nauseous from their grinning mugs.

I doubt that either is a malicious type, bent on torturing the populace. But that’s what they were doing. For the past year and a half, they performed a tactless tango before a captive audience, and although they were roundly booed, they couldn’t take a hint and get off the stage. Until now.

Their on-again, off-again shifts in status had magazines like People and Us shuttling staff around the country like military deployments.

Reportedly, it was Jen who ended the engagement. A statement from her publicist added: “At this difficult time, we ask that you respect her privacy.” What the statement fails to mention is, if the public respected her privacy, she wouldn’t have a career.

That is what was so annoying about their union in the first place. Ben Affleck has talent. Jennifer Lopez has talent. But their greatest gifts came in self-promotion. They became famous far beyond their accomplishments, and especially as lovebirds. True, Affleck did share a Best Original Screenplay Oscar along with pal Matt Damon, but the rest of his resume’ is spotty at best. As for Jen, aside from a sparkling turn as a law enforcement agent in “Out of Sight,” which was far more the result of director Steven Soderbergh’s expertise than hers, she has been notable largely for cartoonish displays of diva-like arrogance.

So together, they represented the most repellant aspects of show business. Their on-again, off-again shifts in status had magazines like People and Us shuttling staff around the country like military deployments. They did so many television interviews and talked about their romance so freely, it was as if their relationship was a spinoff of “Project Greenlight.” I can only hope there isn’t a bad movie on the way.

Oh, I forgot. We already have been subjected to the bad movie. “Gigli” was a romantic comedy that was not romantic, comedic or profitable. That was released in August. It bombed both critically and commercially. It also represented the apex of the Ben-Jen phenomenon. Before it, there might have been pockets of resistance in certain parts of the U.S., trusting, cockeyed optimists who still wanted to invest in Ben-Jen’s future together. But when “Gigli” came out, even those holdouts turned, reacting like Enron stockholders who were left with nothing but empty promises.

This breakup puts to rest any talk of weddings. It seemed that whenever there was a ominous development in their situation, a rumor would quickly surface in rebuttal, claiming that a secret wedding was scheduled in some posh locale. These reports could have been planted by their flaks to feed the monstrous blob of publicity they created and allow it to devour everything in its path. Or they could have originated from others who could benefit, like tabloid journalists, paparazzi and resort owners. Regardless, it was yet another reason to reach for the clicker to switch channels, and for the Pepto-Bismol.

Ben and Jen probably got into this to have a little fun together, but primarily to keep their careers in high gear. Instead, it has turned each into a melancholy joke, and it will take some doing to reverse the damage.

Ben’s last movie, John Woo’s “Paycheck,” did not do well, and because of his status as Jen’s elbow ornament for the last 18 months, he is now looked upon as a marginal thespian more desirous of fame and money than respect. He is 31 years old, which means he should have known better than to declare — even as recently as a week ago — that their love for each other was strong and that they would eventually tie the knot. Maybe it comes from being a Boston Red Sox fan all his life, but sometimes you just have to face reality and accept the fact that it isn’t going to happen.

Jen has even less of a career ahead of her. True, there are still teenyboppers out there who are seduced by her meager attempts at pop music and will mindlessly shell out bucks for her next CD, but let’s be frank. This woman is an “American Idol” judge in training. Her acting career is kaput, despite her appearance in Kevin Smith’s upcoming “Jersey Girl” — opposite Ben again, albeit this time in a mercifully brief role. Her only real hope is to latch onto another superfamous boyfriend. From what I hear, P. Diddy is still single, and I don’t think Jen will need a handful of staff meetings with her people to connect the dots on that one.

What both should do is find seclusion for a while before taking on the next phases of their respective lives. They need to isolate themselves from their adoring public and put the painful memories of their shattered bond behind them. As they both can probably attest, however, such privacy is enormously difficult to achieve, especially when you have so many publicists on the payroll.

SOMEONE REMIND ME TO GO TO THIS! Academy Foundation of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is showing a series of really awesome documentaries in LA. http://www.oscars.org/events/docseries2/index.html I really want to see this one!


Stevie
Directed by Steve James
Produced by Steve James
Distributed by Lions Gate Films
Wednesday, February 18, at 7:30 p.m., James Bridges Theater, Los Angeles, free admission

The filmmaker originally met Stevie, an abused and neglected child, when he was in the Big Brother program; he irretrievably steps back into a difficult family situation when he re-connects with this troubled boy ten years later. Although Stevie’s problems have magnified all too predictably in the ensuing years, it is not easy to make clean, easy judgments, as this film shows us.
Digital, 140 min.

Just rented Capturing the Friedmans and I'm SOOO excited. Gonna watch it tonight. A real life dysfunctional family. I've been wanting to watch this movie since the summer. It's up for a Best Doc Oscar.

Have any of you seen Whale Rider? I watched it on the plane to Japan. I love the little girl in it. She's beautiful and her performance was amazing.

Other random movie thoughts...I hope Lost In Translation wins best picture. It's definitely my favorite movie of the year. After Cabin Fever, of course. I want to go see Monster sometime in the next few days, since it's playing right up the street. There was a point in my young life when I knew the profiles of just about every serial killer in the US because I was interested in forensic psychology. Strangely enough I barely remember anything anymore. Where does knowledge like that go? [wooohahaha...]

Dude, I was reading something and found the following.

You look upon sex as an almost religious opportunity for self-dissolution and union with the universal whole. For you sex contains the seeds of enlightenment through immolation of the ego in the fires of physical passion.

It's about something else but I realized that it's somewhat of a description of tantric sex (though way too intellectualized, inadequate and confining). I'm always trying to describe this experience to people but can't seem to find the words. Tantric sex is actually an energy experience, not about the crazy positions. You won't know it until you have it and then you'll know what I'm talking about...Something happens. It's like you've disappeared and are part of the universe, yet you and your partner ARE the universe. It's one of the most amazing experiences ever. But both people have to be absolutely "connected" for that door to open (completely emotionally, psychically naked...there's more but I don't know how to formulate it into words..this is an experience I have yet to find adequate words for). It's not just emotional intimacy. It goes beyond that. You experience the connection and the beauty not only as yourself, but as your partner and as everything that exists. Suddenly, there are no boundaries ANYWHERE. You are everything and everything is you. You're not even bound by your body anymore. It's the ultimate in sexual experience but it's almost a spiritual awakening through a sexual connection. And once you've had it, something in you opens up and you change.

That experience changed the way I looked at life. And I know that people who have also experienced it regard it as almost a religious experience that changes them as well. It doesn't mean that other forms of physical intimacy aren't as good...being physical with someone comes in different flavors (tones, situations, emotional approaches, acts, whatever) and to be able to experience different ones at different times is what makes the physical side of life fun and worth having. And don't think of this experience as something that will keep you together with another person forever, for better or for worse. It's just an experience. But if you can find someone with whom you have a soul connection, and manage to each put down all of your walls and take the leap of true intimacy and connectedness for just a small window of time, you will have the chance to experience something that goes beyond words and the confines of this world.

don't worry...this isn't from my anthology...


A letter written by a heartbroken man to his
estranged partner


Dear Audrey:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you.

They're not even close.

Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice-skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at.
Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I Don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Pontins last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the remote control is.

(I don't know who wrote this - 3amW)

SPEAKING OF MORNING RITUALS...
A friend has offered her morning ritual. Since I type fast, I just took it down word for word.

I wake up. Hit the snooze. Many many many times. Sit up. Swear. Schlep to the bathroom. Take a niiiice piss. Turn on the heater and disrobe. Take my hairclip from the towel rack, then I put my hair in a bun. Turn on the shower, put on a shower cap, then proceed to look at my naked body. Sometimes I stand on the corner of the tub to get a better perspective of my lower part and say, FUUUUUUUUUUCK. Not always, fuck. sometimes it's crap, or jesus christ. Open the shower door, which the bottom of the shower is already becoming clogged cuz that shit needs to be fixed. Once in the shower, I untie my loofah and I get the hotel body scrub that I've stolen. I usually drop a lot of shit. I'm always dropping shit. Loofah. Most attention is paid to the chest, definitely the upper back stomach, sometimes buttcheeks, whether they need it or not. [B (off-side): What about Nanner?] We'll get to the Nanner later. That's right before I get out. Then, what I'll do is get my toothbrush and toothpaste, and begin to brush while I'm in the shower. On the odd day that I am washing my hair, I will be brushing my teeth as I wash my hair. And then as I'm spitting out the toothpaste on the tub floor which is already filled up at this point because the drain doesn't work, but it always makes a nice little clopping sound when it hits the water. And I always watch it and say, "Oo..." And then I wash the hair and soap off my body. I proceed to grab, usually my roommates nice conditioner, making sure that the bottle is left in the exact approximation including exact nozzle position. Use the conditioner...while that is working on my hair, I get my face Loofah and my oil of olay and go to work on my face. And seeing as I don't shave but once or twice every two weeks (seeing as I shave only once or twice when I'm gettin' booty...) but usually I shave my armpits when they're long. Then I will wash off my face and wash the conditioner out of my hair. The last thing I do is bend over just enough so that my face doesn't touch the wall and let the water run through my open buttcrack, and down to clean my cooter. Shut the water off, wring my hair out, then open the door and step on the damn moss-ridden rug. Towel off my face, making sure that if I do get snot on one side of the towel, that I immediately flip it over so that I don't have it touch any part of my body. Then I put on my face moisturizer. I usually wax my ears. I do that quite often. It feels good. Then what I'll do is get my mandarin and mango body lotion and start with my arms, my upper chest, down to my labial lips. You know, before you dress caress type thing. I go get my cucumber eye cream and put that on so that I retain my vitality and youth. Then I spray myself with my Longing perfume, and sometimes on my box, with the caveat being, usually that goes hand in hand with when I shaved (in relationship to the fact that if I shaved, I'm probably going to get some action). Turn off the heater, open the door. The gust of smoke recedes from the bathroom. Sit on the couch, take a few deep breaths.

We followed the speech with a question and answer session (morning ritualist hereafter referred to as GIRL).

B: Do you give the cooter any special attention as far as cleaning is concerned? For example, what if you've taken a few extra laps the night before.

GIRL: Well, I usually just do the same thing.

B: No extra soaping or scrubbing?

GIRL: I don't usually use soap because...soap is just too harsh on the cooter. And plus I've heard it doesn't taste good.

[long awkward silence]

JAMES LIPTON: What would you like to hear God say, when you walk through those pearly gates?

GIRL: Don't you think the water running through the buttcrack is a bit contaminated once it hits the cooter?
B: Yeah, totally.

Okay, confession. But it's not about me. It's about my friend.

so some mutherfuckin' ho and i'm not naming any names, wakes up, decides to sleep in an extra five minutes, does her anal-rentative morning ritual that's timed down to the minute but thinks she's running five minutes late now so she runs out the door and doesn't even have time to eat breakfast or verbally abuse the turtle. then she notices that the sky's a little bluer than usual (thinks, it'll probably be cold today) that there's no traffic on the street and that the car clock says 7:24 and its probably because of some electrical problem with the car. then about 4 blocks later, she starts to put it all together...dumbass finally realizes she's exactly an hour ahead of schedule. so she goes into coffee bean and curls up in a chair like a homeless person and sleeps for 55 minutes.

Loser.


THIS JUST IN: Brian has declared that I'm closet OCD because I time each step of my morning ritual to the minute and know that it takes me 18-22 minutes (but no less than 18) to get ready in the morning if I'm absolutely focused.

THIS JUST IN: Baby loves her sleep...

Just had an EXHAUSTING conversation with Taron about religion and spirituality. This whole thing about, if you're homosexual, you can't go to heaven and it's a sin...I'm not even going to get into the things we talked about, but as frustrating as these things can be, it's actually really good for me, teaching me patience and helping me be resourceful and clear as I communicate my own thoughts without trying to dominate his. These discussions really help me since it reaffirms my spirituality by expressing and defending it; it makes me stronger in a way, because I can feel, when I talk about it and the way the connections come and the thoughts flow, that this is truly a part of myself. One thing I noticed though...if you are truly comfortable with your spirituality and beliefs, you will also be comfortable when people challenge it, and you won't demand that others embrace your same beliefs. I think some religions try to pass off judgment and elitism as good will for their fellow man; it's not good enough that their fellow man lives a good life filled with love and kindness towards others. He must also accept their specific God as his own God. I feel like that's really missing some major points.

I think it's very important for all of us to find our own way towards a reconnection with where we come from and where we're going. So that when we find it, it'll mean something to us and we'll know 100% that this is what we truly want and live life embracing it. Just like, for us to appreciate a really good partner, we have to be ready for that person and have gone through enough struggle to understand why we need it. Not just because we theoretically know we want to marry someone with certain qualifications. We have to have come to enough self-realization to be able to truly appreciate someone good.

It doesn't mean anything to be told you have to be a good person. It means something when you know why, when you know deep down that this is the way you want to live your life, when you know that you are doing it out of respect for yourself and respect for everything that exists outside of you, and when you understand that the universe begins with you and you have no control over anything except for yourself. The same thing (the need to walk away and reconnect) can be said for all relationships, obviously, be that with a family member, a friend, a lover or with God or whatever one believes to be the greater power that we are a part of. For example, one of the biggest moments of truth is when you are disillusioned by your parents, when you discover that they are humans with flaws and are not perfect and have probably failed to protect you from various aspects of life (even though, in many instances, they had no human capacity with which to protect you). From that moment on, when your idealism towards the people who gave you life is shattered, you may be angry, bitter, disillusioned, whatever...but from that place, you must find your way back, learn to reconnect to them as people, on a different level, as sibling souls vibrating on the same level yet embarking on their own, difficult journeys. You will discover a bond created by true respect, caring and understanding, rather than by the forced relationship due developmental dependency. When we reconnect with our parents on this level, as equals, we experience one of the most rewarding experiences that living has to offer. We discover what it means to truly APPRECIATE each other.

The same will happen when our own children reach that same point. This is why parents get scared of children becoming independent. At some point, they fear that their child is not coming back. And then things get played out that can turn dysfunctional and prevent that true connection from being established.

This break is needed though. Often, the things that we realize to mean the most to us are things that we had to turn our backs on or lose in order to understand the value of them when we have to fight to regain them. Why does God give us hardship? Because he loves us. Because he needs to challenge us so that we may find the strength and courage within ourselves to face difficulties and rediscover our faith. So that we can come back stronger and understand why we are with him, and why we want to be good people. It's really easy to be good if you are never challenged and can go about, day in day out, just being "good." But what about when you lose your money, you lose your house, you lose a loved one, you lose a physical or mental capacity? Then what? Is it still easy to care about others, turn the other cheek, not become angry and bitter? Of course not. Of course we will do these things or feel these negative emotions. But the important part of our journey on this planet is what we do once we experience hardship. Do we stand back up and find strength within ourselves? Or do we give up and walk away from the challenge, leaving our backs turned on the very force and goodness that nourishes us? The world is full of dysfunction. So many kids grow up with really awful childhoods. But why is it that the child of one abusive parent will turn into a criminal, and another will turn into a philantropist? It all comes down to that inner journey and what each person was brave enough to summon.

It's easy for me to see the difference between someone who is a good person but has never been challenged, versus someone who is a good person because he has been challenged, has been beaten down by life in one capacity or another, yet has found the strength and courage to return to his path. Nothing is more heartbreaking than someone who wants to be a good person and overcome hardship, but is terrified so terrified to find his own inner strength, that he believes it's easier to lose faith and live with his back turned to his connection to the universe. Because there is nothing that anyone else can do for him. It is his own private journey, and the best you can do is to give him unconditional positive regard and pray that he finds the courage to discover all the strength he has stored within him.

As I have said previously about relationships, nothing can exist without there being a relationship present. No object can exist by itself. It must have a relationship with another object in order to exist. It's commonly accepted that we would not exist without God, but do you know that God would not exist without us? I don't mean God, as constructed by religion, but god in his immeasurable entirity, which religion can only represent in inadequate symbols--the greater thing that we all come from that goes by different names and images within different circles. I mean the greater being that exists, regardless of whether we give him a label or not (just think...years ago we thought the world was flat and we had a collective idea of its shape, but that widespread belief by the collective didn't make it so...the world was still round despite what the masses believed). We make up God, collectively. We are all a part of God, just as God is within each and every one of us. Love is the energy which makes up God and it is the energy which is our life force. It fills us and connects us, and to refuse that force and turn your back on the greater being is, more than anything, a tragedy to yourself and your soul.

And the most fundamental fact of life is: We all of the opportunity to connect with him, and we all have the choice to ignore him. It is up to each person, and the consequences and benefits are for no one but himself.

Everyone who knows me knows that I'm not a religion freak. I've learned my lessons in life not from accepting the words and teachings of others, but from what I've learned of personal experiences and from the experiences of others that I've been lucky enough to have had shared with me. It's about listening. About absorbing and then striving to understand the many greater meanings while knowing that behind these meanings are other truths that may be similar or contradict these meanings. It is not about taming these meanings, these vibrations, these people because the world outside of you will always be bigger than you and you will NEVER be able to control it no matter how much you've shuffled into cut and dry categories and judgments. Many people have opened up their souls to me in order for me to understand different perspectives of what it means to live and struggle and hope and fear, and in turn, I try to repay their trust by trying to find ways to communicate what it is that we all experience in order for people to understand that they are not alone, that life is HARD, but that when any person is truly in need, there will be brothers and sisters (who sometimes come even in the form of strangers) to help light his or her way.

We are all the same, yet we are all different. We are all together, yet we are all alone. We are all loved, yet we all have a personal journey that is for us to take alone. You can have religion, you can have your spiritual teachings, you can have your loved ones, but at the end of the day, it's about your own private connection to the greater being...what connects us from where we came from and what connects us to where we're going. And this connection is guaranteed to be challenged often throughout life, and there will be times when you lose faith and turn your back and don't want to believe in anything anymore, but if you can find that strength within yourself and believe that you are loved and looked out for, then I promise you, you will come out stronger than you have ever imagined. Challenges only make us stronger, and make us further appreciate the things that we have been blessed with.

I love everyone I meet to some degree, even if I don't understand them or don't like them. To be honest, I doubt that even Jesus or Ghandi or Buddha never felt frustrated with people or some level of dislike. People are people and we have ways in which we're magnanimous and ways in which we're petty. But despite that, a person has to make a conscious effort to be mindful, of the blessings and lessons in every moment, interaction, person, and understand that this journey is not meant to be an easy one, but if you can find your own way into yourself so that you can reconnect with your soul and the greater being, then you will be able to reach out and bring positivity into the world.

Judgment will never heal. And love will never confine.

Conversation overheard today between two men getting off the elevator...

Old Bearded Man #1: She's got unusually small hands.
Old Bearded Man #2: Yeah, it's better to have a lot of hand.

hee! :)

I had such a good night tonight. Brian went out with Colin for drinks and I wanted to get to bed early so I stayed home. I was just playing around on the guitar and it suddenly hit me, how good it feels to be alone. We often take that quiet time for granted. I mean, sometimes even when I'm meditating, I'm conscious of..."this is me...meditating." As if I'm assuming there might be someone else watching me. But when you have a really private moment, just yourself and you and god, it's reminiscent of being a kid again, when the adults didn't bug you and you were left alone to just sit and BE a part of the universe, just your consciousness as the energy that radiates OUT into an edgeless expanse.

I've been so focused in life about everything I need to do, everything other people need me to do, everything other people want me to be, and everything I am because I'm afraid to be otherwise...I haven't had time to think about the things that I would like to do, and should do.

I'd really like to go out into the woods somewhere, during rain season when there's always that crisp, fresh smell in the air that just fills you with energy and life... and camp where there's no one around, with my guitar and my journal. My favorite memories as a kid were of that week at science camp in the 5th grade, just being out in the woods. And that smell...that damp fall smell of the fresh rain breathing life into a sleeping forest...it damn near brings me to tears. It was everything outside of the box that growing up in the city had forced me into; I never really thought of the world as anything more than a jungle of paved roads and man-made parks. But here...it could go on forever. To be so close to nature just gave me so much comfort. Every sound...every smell...the droplets of dew dripping off of redwood wings onto their fallen brothers as the air symphonically hummed...the way you could feel every twig, sliver of grass, layer of soil shift under the soles of your shoes as you walked, and sometimes, you honestly couldn't tell where you ended and the earth began. You could feel the comfort of the womb from which all people come from, wrapping you in its gentle arms, its pulse beating to the rhythm of your own heart, and just know that you are loved.

God, what I would do to experience that again.

Children are so beautiful. To have glimpses back into what it was like to see the world as a child is one of the greatest gifts God toss out every once in a while.

I just ran into The Bass Player today for the second time in 3 days. It's been, what, 2 months since we first met? Everytime I see him, I marvel at how hot he is and how amazing his body is. There's really no arguing that this guy is beautiful. And I love his music. But I can just tell I'm not really into him. Anyway, we chatted but I had to get back to work and as I was walking away, I said to myself, I'm not really interested in him. Maybe to fuck, but that's about it. And it royally DISTURBED me that I said that to myself. It disturbed me that I would think in those terms, and that I would be so nonplussed by someone in his entirety, that the only thing I might possibly want from him would be sex and that's really scraping the bottom of the barrel. You would think that sex would be valued higher. I don't know what's going on with me these days. I'm being irresponsible with my thinking and my emotions, and every time I do this, I get myself into situations that I end up regretting. What the hell is my problem? Why is it so hard for me to respect someone after sex? Why is it, that when I really respect someone, then I don't want to taint him or our relationship by sleeping with him? I never give the ones that I really want to be with a chance. Because something really scares me, but I don't know what it is yet.

Last winter I got really depressed and told everyone that I didn't know why, but I did. It was totally because of what happened in Vegas. I've never had a one night stand but I used to go out of town to hook up because I believe in not pissing in your own pool so I won't hook up with anyone that I have to risk running into later on. Because maybe that physical stuff means something to me and maybe it doesn't, but I'm too scared to find out because both possibilities are terrifying to me. So I wasn't in the best mindset at the time anyway, but I went to Vegas because some of my relatives were there for a show; I pretty much expected that I would hook up. I met a guy who lived there and got a date with him easily. It was all a fucking game. A real easy pick-up. It helped that we both had the same birthday and we got a kick out of that. We went out and spent a lot of time talking and it was really good. Really comfortable . He turned out to be a really nice guy who had a lot of things to say. And made me a mix tape. :) I don't think either of us was expecting to really like the other person because I have a feeling we were both just looking for something casual. He was hurting from a break-up, and I was hurting from something else. It could have gone either way...if we hadn't hooked up, we would have probably kept in touch and had a chance at friendship, but we did. I think I was trying to meet someone I wouldn't have to care about and reaffirm that sex means nothing to me. Or more accurately, to break myself to the point of believing that. To do this, I really couldn't care about him as a person. But I did and I respected him, so I didn't sleep with him because I knew that I would have been taking advantage of him to play out something really wrong inside of me, even if he was doing the same. And after I came home, the whole situation really psychologically bombed me.

I really didn't want to know anything about this guy for fear of finding out that he's a real person, a decent person, and having to feel responsible towards that. Because it's counter-intuitive--I care about people and want to know about them, but sometimes it makes me angry that I do because no one gives a fuck about me. But I was trying to do something that would hurt the part of me that cares too much and always gets hurt. Using the most vulnerable type of situation to hurt it. That's so fucked up, I can't even tell you. And I'm worried that it's about to start up again and so I've been forcing myself to stay in town and deal with these demons. It's a scary journey, to go inside and find out WHY. But if it weren't for the fact that life has been feeling ominous lately and I'm worried that I may be running out of time and I don't even know what that means or what may be around the corner, I know I've gotta be strong and do this.

My mom said something very insightful once when I was in a relationship that I didn't really want to be in, which is something I love to do to myself. She said, "You can love someone and not even like him." It made a lot of sense to me. That intense, passionate connection that makes no sense with someone I can barely stand, someone who makes me unhappy and stressed when I'm with him. That connection is probably so intense because I'm playing out something within myself that's the equivalent of drowning myself in a bathtub. Sometimes I think it's easier to date someone that I already have a problem with (ie there's something about him that makes me already have a good idea that he won't be sticking around) so that I already have an excuse to break up with him. And then I go through the relationship holding that close to my chest, that Ace card that will tear the whole house down, by my hand, because I willed it. Because what really matters is that I'm in control, right? You know exactly what I'm talking about because you've been there. And you would rather go through this and let it tear a hole in you and everyone else who tries to get close to you than ask for help and do the courageous thing.

One day I'll grow up and be brave enough to venture into a relationship with someone that I really want to be with. And when I open up, it won't be a game anymore but the real thing, with real risks but real rewards, and I won't be afraid of each one as much as the other. So far, it always feels like a game. Like I'm not really letting go of the side of the pool. Never really giving up control. Will giving up control really kill me? Probably not, but a part of me thinks it will and I am BEGGING someone to help me reason with that part of me.

Intuition - The Rules

Some people have asked me about why people who are intuitive can see some things but not others. So I'm going to jot down some random things about what I've learned about intuition from my own experiences and from what I've gathered from those who are working psychics. You know I don't like to call intuition "psychic ability" because of the stigmas, but I'll refer to it as that just to make things easier.

1. Psychic ability is just another sense. It's an ability to perceive. The interpretation is up to the person perceiving. For example, 2 people can watch a car accident. Each sees the exact same event, but one person may have seen one driver on his cell phone and interpreted the accident as being that person's fault, and the other one may have missed certain details and interpreted the accident differently. Almost everyone has intuition, with the potential for it to become what is refered to as psychic ability. It's just a matter of tuning into that sense. The rest is interpretation.

2. Why can't psychics fix their own lives? Because of blindsights. Imagine you have amazing vision and can see objects hundreds of feet away while others can only see things 20 feet away. Now imagine how clearly you can see those far objects because you're focused on them. Now, imagine that an object pops up 5 feet away from you into your line of sight. You won't be able to see it very clearly because you're eyes are focused on something else. You can perceive it and try to figure out what it is based on guesses (it looks like a person, it looks like a car, etc.) but you won't be able to see it very clearly. This is what happens when someone is really in tune to that sixth sense. You can see/feel/perceive things that are hidden, but have trouble interpreting cues that should be obvious within human interaction. Futhermore, the closer someone is to you, the harder it is to see them objectively. The size of the blindsight is directly proportional to how sharpened your intuitive abilities are or to how close the person is to you. Because the closer someone is to you relationship-wise, you will psychologically begin to project hopes and fears as well as take in realistic evaluations, which is the normal process of human interaction/relating. But if you have that extra sense turned on, it confuses the situation and it's really hard to trust the information coming in, especially if the information is conflicting. For example, when it comes to relationships, I have to ask trusted third parties for "reality checks" because my radars go haywire the closer someone gets to me and it's very easy to get blindsighted. Furthermore, psychics can't see their own lives and their own problems. PEOPLE IN GENERAL have a hard time seeing their own problems because it requires a high level of objectivity. Imagine, you and I are sitting across from each other. You have something on your face and I can see it. I may have something on my face too, but I have no way of knowing unless you tell me, just as you wouldn't know unless I told you. So psychics are just people who have extra facilities for perceiving, but yet, they are bound by the same laws of perspective.

3. The Future. Okay, I was never one who predicted the future. I'm an empath and don't have enough objectivity to be a medium, so I don't trust the things I see. But to explain the nature of the "future" I want to explain that the future is not set in stone. It's about probability. If you are driving as fast as you can towards a wall, you are most likely going to crash into the wall. But there's a chance you could brake at the last second or take a sudden turn right after the point when I perceived your situation and predicted that you would probably crash into the wall. The future is a lot about free will, but if you are moving in a certain direction, then there is probably a high probability for certain specific things to happen. They say that most very successful business people measure high when tested for psychic ability. This just means that are just able to subconsciously calculate complex equations regarding probability. So, from my experience, if people push me, I can tell them what I see happening, even though I don't like to. But I also know that I'm calculating probability from a snapshot of the present--all the circumstances, factors and elements that lead to a likely conclusion. But things can change and the outcome can be different. If I read for you now and tell you about a problem, and you change something, and then I read for you 2 weeks later, I could see a different outcome. It's not because I was wrong the first time. It's because you introduced a new set of elements into the equation.

4. Accountability. This is about interpretation. Imagine that you have a problem with your girlfriend. You had a fight last night, you made up, but now she hasn't returned your call today and you don't know what's up. You ask your best male friend for his opinion. He takes the series of facts (you had a fight, she doesn't return your calls) and interprets that she's mad at you. Now you ask a good female friend who happens to be a therapist, let's say :) She says, well, it could be that your girlfriend feels bad about what happened and is taking time to think about things and come back with something that could improve the relationship. This would probably leave you to be willing to be more open-minded about your girlfriend's intentions, rather than immediately jumping to being defensive and planning an exit strategy (not for breaking up per se, but to save your pride). Both situations could be possible, and both people analyzed the same set of facts that you presented. But what both people did was internalize the facts and come back with an interpretation that reflects how they see the world. This is the challenge for those who are genuinely intuitive and work in the psychic advising field. You can take two psychics who can both perceive the same situation, or person, but depending on how they see the world, will give you advice based on that. Therefore, an empath will probably focus on emotional/psychological factors, while someone who is clairvoyant (mostly factual, concrete things...a lot of male psychics are like this) will give you the basics without looking too deeply into things (ie..."she's upset." "She needs time." "She's busy right now.") It's the dichotomy of big picture vs. sum of all details. They don't always equal the same thing when it comes to human interpretation. So a good psychic is not just one who can see, but one who can interpret the information in a way that is as accurate as possible to the objective truth, and convey it in that way. That's what makes one psychic better than another (just as what makes one therapist better than another). Step one...perceive the situation, Step Two...interpret the situation, Step Three...communicate the situation as clearly as possible. The last step would be advising, but most intuitives should stay away from that if possible because sometimes it's up to the person to put together this information and understand this part of their journey.

5. Permission. Just as with people who go under hypnosis, a hypnotist will NEVER be able to make that person do something to which they are morally or psychologically opposed. I can only speak from my own experience, but someone has to give me permission in order for me to be able to see inside of them. What I mean is that, they have to open that door. And it's not necessarily a conscious process for them. I do not have the ability to intrude and see things that they absolutely do not want me to see. For example, I once knew someone who had some deep-seated issues from his childhood. From the first day I met him, his mouth said one thing, but he opened the door and reached out psychically so that I was aware of a subtext and was able to perceive things that were hidden within him, even though his actions and words were actually going out of their way to contradict them. In essence, he gave me permission to look at what a part of him wanted me to see, and actually unconsciously opened the door and guided me there. It was like a cry for help. Even though the rest of him was quite resistant to any sort of acknowledgement of or assistance to that part of him that needed help and exposure, I wouldn't have been able to even know that it was there if he hadn't communicated to me on that level and shown it to me. I don't walk around and probe people's insides. In fact, there are a lot of people who keep their doors closed, and even those who have them open, I choose not to walk through and look. But when you look inside someone else, you are giving up quite a bit of control, and in some sense, there's no way to turn it off once that connection has been established.

If people really want to know what intimacy truly is, it's that connection. The opening of the door. Like I said, everyone is intuitive and has this ability to perceive. People who hone that ability just have more ways of applying it.

6. Interpersonal connection. Everyone connects with some people better than others. This comes into play in a psychic's ability to see into you. It's parallel to the relationship between a therapist and a client. A therapist can be an AMAZING therapist, and the client can be extremely willing to dive into his scary places, but if they can't communicate on the same frequencies or can't create a comfortable enough space for intimacy to happen, then it won't work out. Whether or not an intuitive can see into someone is not necessarily related to his/her perceptive abilities. It could be the connection, and the willingness of each person to open that door that allows for the connection, as well as ability to communicate what is said. I don't get as much information from some people as I do from others, even if the door is open.

7. The Metaphysical. We are only messengers (and part-time at that!)There are things that you aren't meant to know. I've noticed that when I'm connected, whether that is while reading for someone or with someone who comes into my life, I will have a burning message to tell them because for some reason, they're off their path and they have knowledge/a lesson that they need communicated to them. These things come in the strongest. Sometimes the information comes in very specific. Sometimes it's very vague. When it's vague, it's because the person has to go on his own journey to figure something out, and the message is only the ignition. They'll understand the message when they find it. I've noticed that there are times when information has to come in wrong in order for the person to do what's right. For example, it'll be something like telling someone that something is good for them, when in truth, they have to learn how to trust their own intuition and break away. Because for some reason, if I told them that this person is not good for them, it reaffirms their intuition which they don't trust and they end up fighting it even harder and refusing to do what they need to do. To be honest, I can't tell the difference. I just give them the message that I'm supposed to give them, and even if later on, I get more information and I see that it was the opposite of something, it usually all makes sense in the long run and is actually beneficial towards what that person needs to do to get on his life path. So, don't measure messages by their accuracy. Measure them by whether they helped you find your way back towards your path and doing what's best for yourself at the deepest level.