Real New Year's Eve

I'm supposed to be compassionate today. I'm supposed to be compassionate by nature but sometimes I don't know what that means when it sounds an awful lot like letting things slide into dishonesty. But what the hell. I'll go for it. I don't care about much anymore these days except just getting back to my home.

We all just got back from Maui. The last few weeks have taken me to Vegas, Big Sur, a crazy Christmas Eve feast at my parents house and Hawaii.

We headed out to Vegas for just a day. We stayed at the new Trump Towers in a suite that was one of the nicest hotel rooms I've ever been in. The place doesn't have a casino, but since all the rates were so low, we figured it would be a good time to get a great deal on a really nice hotel. It had an amazing view of the strip and everything was really classy. We planned to only stay for one night but the next day we ended up getting snowed in by that freak storm. I thought the lady from Southwest was lying when I talked to her about why we couldn't fly out. We're in the desert! It doesn't snow! But when we walked outside, indeed, the cars had high fades of white. I bet $10 on the Warriors to beat the lowly Pacers and they lost, and I got the most wicked case of food poisoning/stomach flu I've ever encountered. I was still throwing up at the airport before we got on the plane, but one of the attendants gave me Benadryl which got me through the flight. It was pretty brutal because we were supposed to have a day of rest before heading to Big Sur, but instead, we only have a couple of hours which I stayed in bed trying to feel better. We finally made it out, getting to the cabin just before they closed for the night.

We got locked out of our cabin on the second night. We were outside toasting marshmallows when I wanted to go inside and wash my hands, only to find the door locked. I tried it, David tried it and we decided to check the check-in booth even though it was an hour after closing to see if there was someone there or a number we could call. Turns out there was a number for emergencies but since our phones were inside the cabin, we had to use the payphones. I tried to call the number collect but it was an automated menu, so we ran into a guy at the recycling bin and he lent us some change. We called the number again and the system gave us another number to call. I called that number collect and the woman who answered just hung up. We had to walk around until we found someone else at their campsite, a German guy by the sound of it, who lent us 50 cents to try again. We called the woman and she apologized for not recognizing my name as one of the campers. We told her the situation and she said she'd be out in a few minutes. I felt really bad because she has a 2 year old at home and it was late, but we really didn't want to sleep outside at night.

We headed back to our cabin and waited. As a joke I said that we should try the door again to make sure we were really locked out or we would look like idiots. So we tried the door, bu this time it opened. wtf. It was so bizarre. So we panicked about what to do. We were going to look like idiots. David thought we should grab the key before we locked ourselves out again so that in case she couldn't open the door, we would have the key. We stood there panicking and then I closed the door...a few seconds before she drove up. She opened the door for us and we thanked her, waiting for her car lights to disappear before laughing and saying wtf. It was so bizarre, like some higher being playing a joke on us.

We headed back to Fremont and chilled for a few days getting ready for Christmas Eve. I was cooking the feast I usually cook on Thanksgiving for about 20-30 people, and I was excited because Rie and Eric were coming, as well as my friend Sarah from softball as kids and her husband Jef. I got about 4 hours of sleep the nights leading up to it because I had to start baking early, but ended up getting most of it out on the table and hot. The menu featured fresh-herb roasted turkey with cornbread and jalepeno stuffing, french bread stuffed with gruyere, mushrooms stuffed with crabcake, praline yams, parmesan garlic mashed potatoes, cheddar/jack-pepper mac & cheese and regular mac & cheese, cajun green bean bake, rosemary roasted potatoes, turkey gravy, fresh cranberry-ginger sauce, a caramel toffee cheesecake and two kinds of pecan pie - chocolate pecan and coconut pecan. We also had chocolate oatmeal cookies and a sugar-cookie decorating station where we let people decorate their own cookies. Mine came out looking so retarded, I tried to claim they were the work of my 3 and 5 year old cousins.

It was great to see the whole family and also have friends around, and everyone met David. We stayed up pretty late, but had to be up at 6 the next morning to catch our flight to Hawaii. Otherwise, I would have loved to spend more time, especially with Sarah and Jef since they live in Florida and I only see them once every few years.

I started crying when I laid down for bed. Not like distressed sobbing, but a kind of silent weeping, like some valve in my heart had opened filling my being with an overwhelming pain where I understood that time stops for no one and nothing, and I only bear witness. This in turn, opened up valves in my eyes and as I lay in bed, they just streamed. It felt like laying there as my heart bleed and my eyes leaked. It hurt...everything hurt, in a way where I was seeing things as they were and simultaneously accepting them so I was not resisting, but the realization still hurt and I had to let it flow through me in order for it to pass. It was a great amount of pain but in a way, it felt like it was important that I feel all these feelings that were passing through because the worst thing that could happen was for them to get stuck inside me.

Hawaii was good because we had a giant group including my cousins Bohr and Bing. I'm probably closest to Bohr of all my cousins. It was raining for the most part in Maui, but we did get a chance to surf a couple of times, scuba-dive for the first time and see a sea turtle while snorkeling (they're amazing creatures). There was some drama between David and I. There's always drama between David and I. But outside of that, I loved being there and being around my family.

My hopes out of 2009:

To get back to the place I found in early 2008 and honor it.

i wasn't prepared for how much it hurts. i'm sorry, i wasn't.

Okay. the Happier exercises i've been putting off. turning them in on the last day.

Sentence stems then answers.

Being in love means...finding the one. finding my home. being a safe haven for the one i love. finding someone that i would do anything for, not out of obligation which is how a lot of people get me to do things, but because i truly want to, great or small. i want to know everything about this person, i want to know every high, every low, every scratch, every trauma. every rivalry, every achievement, every love. i want to feel the breadth of life through their fingers, understand their path and how they got to become the person i know. i want them to tell me, because they are so positive of their love for me and feel it so tangibly, that all of these things are just the inevitable stories that brought us together. by sheer will i want to wash away corners of their darkness and give them a safe place to truly rest and feel at peace. it means i can finally feel at home being consistently the person i am knowing that it is safe and brings happiness to the only person who sees me. it means wanting to know everything, every feeling, every thought, every sensation, by way of knowing and the peace it comes with. being in love means knowing someone deeply and being known deeply and the bond being real. it means me having the freedom to expand and show who i really am, and being not just accepted, but loved for it. it means looking at my partner and knowing he is as much a part of my life and my destiny, that he's as familiar to me as my own body. it means trust, that i will fight to the death anyone who dares to threaten you, and should i ever be blindsided, you always fight for me. it means knowing for sure, because there can only be one, and everyone else was someone who helped to prepare me to recognize the one. it means knowing that you have come from where i've come and are going where i am going. it means i finally give up my secrets, though they weren't so much secrets as things i couldn't seem to get people to understand. being in love for me, means i finally got something that i really wanted because it's actually mine.

to be a better friend...i could clear up my issues and obsessions so i have more time and attention to keep up with their lifes and their welfare. i always felt that if there is a good connection with someone, no matter how much time passes, they will always be there. i know sometimes i can fall out of touch for years, a decade. some of it has to do with my feelings about my life and my environment at any given time, so if i didn't like the stage i was at, i tended to feel like people either didn't notice me or didn't like me either. mostly, sometimes i just get so obsessed with the meaning that i'm searching for, the expression that i'm looking for that it's hard for me to keep up with too many people. i always appreciate it when people get in touch with me and i always try to respond thoughtfully. i truly feel though if i could sort out my own mess and get more focused, that in itself will make me a better friend because i'll have more time, attention, energy and perspective.

to be a better partner...i would be more patient and not get frustrated so quickly. i will take more space to formulate what i'm saying, or not kick someone in the nuts figuratively just because they're being stupid in any given moment. see more of the positive and not focus on the things that need to be worked on. allow people to say what they want to say and finish, even if i disagree. not make threats to leave. not make promises i'm afraid to keep. broach difficult topics with more tact, consideration, compassion and patience. ask more questions. stop demanding things from someone who can't or doesn't want to give it. it doesn't make me or the other person feel better.

to bring 5 percent more happiness to my romantic relationship...i would argue less. when i get irritated, to bring it up in a lighter way rather than aggressively. be more patient and don't punish even if i have a right to be angry. make him feel like he has enough space to be human.

to bring 5 percent more happiness to my friendships...i would pick up the damn phone more often and actually call people.

to bring love to my life...i could not expect so much in such an idealized form, so that i could be happy with what i have.

i am becoming aware...that it comes down to two theories: you have to work at all relationships no matter what so even if a relationship seems to be clashing, you have to work through it; or, if you find the right relationship, even though there will inevitably be disagreements, overall, the two people are able to work well together cooperatively as equals. i feel the 2nd. i really, really want that.

if i take more responsibility for fulfilling my desires...i would follow my intuition and get back on track. i would stop trying to make the most out of what little i have, and go seek out the place where the resources are abundant. i would not be afraid to ask life for more, for what i deserve, and do whatever it takes for me to achieve it.

if i let go and allow myself to experience what love feels like...it feels like heaven and hell. the deciding factor is if you want it. if this particular brand of heaven and hell is the one that you suits you the best.

dec 14th commitment:

i like mysteries, but i don't want to build my life on one.

last day. last day. it's like cleaning up the last day of school. always hated it. things change so much when you don't see them every day.

with last days of school, i didn't know what might change when i came back. i like things to stay in the same place as where you left them.

it's really hard. it's been very challenging but you can't help but feel strong attachment because it meant something. you went to battle together. you wish you could just work together. but you can't force anyone to do anything. you hear the voices of the people who love you. you know they would want you to do what's true to yourself. you can't help but think that if things were really meant to be, they would work out that way no matter what. so does anything matter if everything works out the way it should in the end, as long as you are doing what you feel is always in the best of interests for you and the ones you love?

dec 14th evaluation

last year i wrote this:

I wanted to be honest that even though I’ve told lies before, it’s never been to be malicious. That’s not who I am. You see, this is what people sometimes don’t understand. Some people lie because they're assholes, or to take advantage of people, or because they're pathological, but sometimes, lies can actually be good intentions. Sometimes lies come from an honest place, more honest than the actual truth. Sometimes lies are what keep things okay, you know? What keeps people from forgetting the things that paralyze them in the middle of the night like a deadweight on their chest, what keeps the world from eating its insides out until it can’t remember what it was trying to be in the first place. Sometimes people need to believe in lies, the way they need to know their alarm clock is gonna go off at the same time every morning just because that’s the way they set it, or that the person they wake up next to is still the same person they went to sleep with. Sometimes lies keep things in the right place so you can always find them, even though the truth is, nothing, ever, stays in one place forever…no matter how much you want it to. But I want you to know that you can trust me, because I’m going to tell you everything.

what i did not take into calculation, was that you can't tell anyone anything if they don't want to hear it.

i know he said it. and for one long moment, the questions suddenly had answers and they were things i felt i could deal with. it overwhelmed me with such compassion and relief, a hope that finally, things would begin to heal, that i couldn't find words. i could only pull him into a tight hug and just feel close...his heartbeat driving the current within me. in this sudden window of being in the here and now, i thought i really saw him, thought we'd finally found our starting point where we could begin to get to know each other by finding where it was we got lost. but then he took it away.

i'm lost in understanding how i've come to this place in my life where i'm being told that i can't trust my senses.

mind control.

you get accused of it even when you're not.

maybe you are. you'll believe it if they try hard enough, but part of you hopes that they won't.

what the other side is like is lines and numbers where things come in backwards. its logic and reason and truth as cement and truth as delusion. i saw the seer who gained knowledge by blinding himself after a deep wound to his heart.

and i can not accept him because his heart isn't mine.

you have always asked me whether i've given my heart away. you've used so many people to ask me and i lie every time. i told you i will tell you the truth when i see you. i don't know why you don't believe my resolve in this. you will get the truth when i see you. just make up your mind if you're ready to get it.

why sex? because sex is where people hurt each other, intentionally, unintentionally. they don't know what it can be about. i took the time to figure it out and i found something really transformational. i had to give up my naivete to get it, but i see that the knowledge has brought a lot of positive things into my life. i'm only as honest as people allow me to be. it has to do with people not being able to handle the truth. it's hard for everyone. seriously. but the people who move on quicker are the ones who take a deep breath and just confront it with their eyes open.

live the life you want to live. if you're content, then you decide who you want in your life and who you don't. build it. right or wrong, just build it the way that makes your insides feel the most ease.

i already have a home. it's a matter of who i'm waiting for.

here i am.

december 14th, at the midway point.

sitting at the shore with everything before me.

and the truth resounds, echoing and echoing against the entire skyline and ocean before me.

and the only person that matters doesn't seem to be there.

sometimes it's not about what you want. you can want something so badly, want it so much that it's the only thing you can think about, the only thing that you want to believe, want it so badly that it feels like you'll let the entire universe collapse before you give up on it...until suddenly, there's a moment where everything stands still and you have to see things as they are, not as you want them to be.

i guess there always comes a time in a person's life where the universe wants you to see that sometimes you can want something with your entire being, but at the end of the day, you don't have any control.

sometimes the only control you have is what you do.

i've always been a fucking idiot. optimist. too much heart. thinking that if i'm realistic about my optimism, it would keep me safe. i always believed that if i want something badly enough with the right intentions, and i believe in it enough, that i'll get it. since i was born, there's really only been one thing i've ever wanted. a reunification. with the person i lost on the other side.

i'm starting to feel more and more, like the universe is teaching me a lesson. not to be cruel, but because it has to.

today i am so profoundly sad, i can't feel where i end and the universe begins. everything feels so infinite that there's no more me within it, and i'm slowly dissipating.

like smoke.

the truth is so obvious that it's hard to believe.

december 14th
the furthest point from myself within which i have the greatest perspective to see myself.

this year it falls on a sunday, the day where the line between this world and the other is almost translucent.

the first door was open on june 14th.

it makes sense for the 2nd to be on december 14th.

i can't see yet what form it will take.

is anything positive or negative if it is real? isn't what's real just what is, and everything else a subjective reaction to it?

there is free will. there is always free will. just that some dreams, bigger dreams, need two and two and they need to agree.

http://www.kachina.net/~alunajoy/94aug.html

The Grand Cosmic Clock of Creation Aluna Joy Yaxkin August 1994

To understand the Mayan calendars, I found it to be quite useful to tear into the workings of an old watch. The visual experience seeing all those variously sized gears, working together in harmony, are quite amazing. Tremendous attention had been given to mathematics and geometry to synchronize all the various gears to create the correct passage of matter through space to generate time.

The Mayan calendar is very much like the workings of a watch. These cosmic gears use perfectly synchronized, immense cog wheels, based on planets and star systems to measure the passage of matter through space to calculate time. The two dimensional gears of a watch create linear time and it is here where the similarities end. The big difference is our universe is not flat, two dimensional gears, as in the watch. Our universe is filled with variously sized spinning circles orbiting together as a complete whole creating experience, time, space, and physical reality. The planets, stars and galaxies are spiracle, and work together in three dimensional form. Unlike the illusionary time created by a mechanical watch, our universe creates time that is unending. Cycles of time continually circumnavigate in a repeating, ascending spiral that creates a pattern that suspiciously looks like a bagel! It is simple to begin to understand Mayan time by remembering the cycles of time/space of the Maya, as spiracle, not a flat two dimensional illusion of cosmic time.

To understand the workings of our universe, you need to go to the center of our cosmic clock where all the gears or cycles connect together. This cycle is the sacred calendar of the Maya, The Tzolk'in. It is still used by the traditional Maya today's as a divination tool. The Tzolk'in is based in the cycles of the Pleiades and is the center gear, of all 17 Mayan calendars. This is our grand cosmic clock. This cycle, the Tzolk'in, is the center of the cosmic web of life, a map of creation. When you begin to understand this cycle, it helps us to begin to merge with the center of our universe, our personal center and begin to break our ties to finite linear time. When we begin to cycle with the center of the universe amazing things take place. We begin to remember our cosmic heritage. We remember our connection with the stars and the creator. We begin to become energy independent, thus creating a harmonious world where we can give and receive energy freely, not buying, selling and stealing it from each other. Merging with the center of the universe helps us understand reality from many perspectives, without loosing our center. This ultimately reconnects us with the sustaining energy from the source of creation, Hunab K'u, the God of the Maya.

Because we are in human form and live on earth, it is important to understand the Tzolk'in from an Earth based perspective by adding a second calendar or cycle, the "Haab." The Tzolk’in is the cosmic perspective and the Haab is the Earth's perspective and are the two cycles that effect us directly. Understanding these two cycles will consequently hook you up to the other cycles by knowingness and resonance. Just allow the rhythm of these cycles to move you into knowingness.

The Basic Sacred Calendar
A Summary of the Mechanics of the Sacred Calendar, Tzolk'in
THE TZOLK'IN - The Cycle of the Pleiadies
The Tzolk'in is a two geared spiracle watch. It is based on the cycles of the Pleiadies (26,000 years) but is used in factual form with 260 days. The mathematics used in the Tzolk’in are 13 times 20, 13 numbers and 20 glyphs. A interesting note here is it takes Earth 26,000 years to circumnavigate the Zodiac!

The Numbers/Pulses (1-13) of the Tzolk'in are the ”movement” of the sacred calendar. The number 13 represents the spirit, the holy breath of creation. The numbers pulse in an undulating cycle of creation. Each sacred number holds a position, or intention, in the creation process and pulses creative energy in an ascending spiral. When your reach point #13 you jump up a rung of the evolutionary ladder. The Mayas used a bar-dot number system. One dot = one, One Bar = 5.

The Glyphs/Suns (1-20) of the Tzolk'in are the “measure” of the sacred calendar. They are the 20 Sun glyphs that are familiar to anyone who has been interested in the Mayan calendar. They represent the body of creation. They define, or create definition. Each Mayan Sun name, has a corresponding glyph and cycles in a regular ascending order of definition which is encoded with cosmic evolutionary information. Just as the numbers ascend from one cycle to the next, so do the 20 suns. When the 20 Suns mesh with the 13 numbers there are 260 combinations of creation. (see Sun glyph chart)

THE HAAB - The Cycle of the Solar Earth
The Haab is the solar cycle of earth. It uses 360 + 5 days. The Mathematics of the Haab is 18 times 20. (18 months of 20 days each.) The 5 extra Vayab days (July 21-25) give the Haab its next evolutionary notch up. Each cycle of the Haab starts five Suns later than the year prior, thus ascending five steps forward and changing the base energy of the current Haab. The Haab synchronizes with the Tzolk'in every 52 years, creating 18,980 individual perspectives for divination. A interesting note here is in Native American culture a person reaching 52 years old is considered an elder. This is when a person has lived through two complete cycles of the Tzolk'in and the Haab and their relationships between each other.

These numbers and glyphs of both Tzolk'in and Haab, cycle together endlessly in an ever ascending spiral of evolution. They work together like the gears in a watch. These numbers and glyphs work together to create the web of life as we experience it. In history the calendars were used by the Cosmic Maya for understanding the position of earth in the universe and the evolutionary stage we are presently in. Remnants of these calendars left behind were intended to be cosmic memory triggers and when resonated with help trigger the memory locked deep inside our DNA. In understanding the sacred cycles of time you have the opportunity to recall the knowledge of the ages.

SOLAR MEDITATION
I have discovered that working in front of the Sun has been very activating and has facilitated in clearing my past and creating my future. Here is a simple exercise you can do in front of the Sun. We all have different perspectives and what works for one person, may not resonate with another, so I share what I do as example only. Do what is in you heart to do, just do it in front of the Sun!

Find a quite place at sunset where you have a good view of the Sun. Sit, stand, whatever will make you comfortable. Take a few deep breaths. Hear the wind in the trees, hear the birds sing, feel the warmth of the earth under you bare feet, become part of the earth. Resonate with the Earth. Take notice of where your energy is drawn to. Where is your energetic orientation? You will find your sustaining energy coming from the Sun. Now look at the Sun (use personal digression), feel the heat of the Sun on your body. Feel the light filling every cell of your body. Consciously draw in the light and the heat. Recognize the sun as a friend, feel it recognize you. Resonate with the Sun. Remember the Sun is light and light is information so be aware of the incoming light.

At this point I use various forms of a prayer. The first part was inspired by Hunbatz Men, a Mayan daykeeper and elder. The second part was given to me during an incredible overnight stay at Palenque Mexico, in one of my favorite Mayan temples, the Temple of the Sun. Feel free to change it anyway you feel is appropriate for you.

Look here Father Sun,
It is me, a piece of the Sun.
I have come to you to understand
the meaning of the cosmos.
I ask I be allowed to go inside your memory
for I desire to remember.
I want to understand everything again.
I need this knowledge for the future,
so I may walk in harmony with the earth
and the stars once again.

I am the eyes that see as the creator sees.
I am the ears that hear as the creator hears.
I am the mind that knows as the creator knows.
I am the heart that feels as the creator feels.
I am the voice that speaks as the creator speaks.
I am the souls that remembers as the creator remembers.
As in you, so in me
I am now, and I am here.


This prayer opens up the mind of Hunab K'u, the God of the Maya, for us to enter into to receive cosmic understanding. Begin here to state your concerns, and hand them to the Sun. Ask the Sun to resolve these concerns. Continue by stating your desires and dreams, and hand them to the Sun. Ask the Sun to manifest these dreams. As the Sun is almost completely set, say good by to the Sun. Pay close attention to your energy orientation as the last bit of sun slips behind the horizon. Notice how the energy of earth shifts greatly when the sun's rays are no longer hitting it, Notice the bird's songs, the heat difference. Most of all notice your energy orientation. You will discover it has changed greatly. You will find that you are being sustained by millions of stars that you can't even see yet. You are receiving information from the cosmos. Say hello to the universe in all its expansive wonder, and thank it for its sustaining energy. This Sun meditation can also be executed in reverse, at dawn. "Evam Maya e ma ho" All hail to the harmony of all mind and nature.

Copyright © 1994 - Permission is granted to copy and redistribute this article on the condition that the content remains complete, full credit is given to the author(s), and that it is distributed freely.

27 29 12
12 12 50
11 15 78

those have been important.

i run on dreams.
tell me your secrets
in exchange, i might give you your dreams.

there was evidence in the dreams. someone was in there pulling, like the will of fingers behind a ouija planchette.
i tried to catch who it was who was doing it but they disappeared around the corner of the stairs from when i was six.

sometimes i see signs in objects. sometimes in dreams, objects from the day before come to me confusing me with their confusion about why they had been chosen to become part of my day.

i won't be this person for much longer. and that makes me sadder than anything else.

i am happier than everyone else. most of it has to do with ignorance.

no one can be lost at sea if the sea is an island created by the machinations of a child's dream. transformation. transmutation. sheer ignorance coupled with a determined will to believe.

somewhere, someone has to think it first.

there was evidence of nothing.
one boy couldn't feel his snout

i'm molting.

i'm about to change again.

i think i passed. now a greater test begins.

how many of my worlds can i put in the same room?

i had an amazing night last night. i've always had a love/hate relationship with november. it drives me hard, it demands so much from me, but afterwards, i'm always left with a longing for torrential storms and poetry when it's gone.

this one was a culmination of 2008, a retrospective and celebration.

where i'm going next, i don't know. but it looks like i won't have to take the leap alone.

today is my new year's eve.

2008.

thank you.

tomorrow...it's all dependent on free will and the choices people make in themselves, for themselves, of themselves.

i hope for the best but i will accept whatever is truth.

i've never been happier.

sometimes it's about having the focus to reach your goals.

sometimes it's about more than you could have ever imagined and you find it slipping through your hands.

sometimes in the middle of the night, you can feel your hands letting go.

sometimes you find them there again in the morning and you don't remember how.

sometimes it's just quiet.

you feel that generator inside you.

that simultaneous pull to hold on or let go

to be a part of something or remain yourself

sometimes you dream about cars and lakes like gaping mouths and guns.

sometimes that's when you admit you are lost.

it begins with an ache.
definitely an ache.
somewhere inside you
you don't know where
the back of your teeth
your feet
your eyes
an ache.

you can be happy. you can feel all the pulses of
life within you, matching rhythm with the world.
you can feel everything continue forever
like the ocean
the mountains
the blanket of night
while inside you, remains an ache.

you can feel bigger than everything
bigger than everyone
see their hopes and dreams
their fears and failures
their shame.

and you hold their beating hearts in between the edges of your teeth
so alive and delicate and vital
demanding of it
the urge to bite down primal but irrelevant

and they'll show you everything
show you the blood and sores and abandoned rooms
the sweat
the terror
the everything and anything so much bigger and blacker
with their hands inside of them
even in the calm of their voice you can hear
the nighttime anxieties like stones rattling inside glass bottles
they'll show you everything and still swear they don't believe in it.

they'll see the blood on your hands and they won't believe you did it.
you'll tell them that you've torn it out, you've torn it all out
every last bit that seethed inside them
spreading infinite emptiness
you tell them it's magic. real magic. not the stuff of unicorns and rainbows.
but the things that men go to war over when
the women stoically hold it between cool fingertips
just waiting for someone to ask the right question.
and they won't believe you
because they're so terrified of the blood they may find on their hands.
and that makes you ashamed of their blood on yours.

and throughout all this
it's the ache. the ache that accompanies you
the ache that has always been there for you
the ache who has never failed you.
it is the ache that cries out into the night
using darkness to reach out for familiar hands
the ache searches for its own.
the ache uses you.
the ache renews you.
the ache can only find an equal.

but the ache is never more vindictive
than when it fears seeing behind a person's mask
and finding emptiness
a lack
a void
an impenetrable stranger

the ache fears death.
the ache fears that it has pulsed and beat and
longed for its own echo
where never an echo has existed.

2008. A Retrospective

Fuck became my favorite seasoning.

The seasons changed colors and moods.

I fell in love with a ghost.

It came with strings of such resentment.

In the space between I want to believe it validates life.

I left my boss.

Like a fake-smile relationship with the rich, idiot kid of the guy your mom works for, but who you have to be nice to so she can always have a job. I started to throw around the word retarded because if that label can be used on my brother when he's so much smarter than them, then they're for sure retarded.

I found that I enjoy disappearing. That I love giving out hugs, but I don't like people to know how to find me.

I found that if you put too much pressure on me, I just spin spin spin

I found how deeply I can ache within my happiness.

The world is really not so big when you look at it as a tiny place inside you

The world is really only as big as you can imagine yourself.

2008 was heaven and hell

and somewhere in it all

i didn't lose my mind.

after months of hard work, we just won best new product at cannabis cup with the bc chillum. it was an incredible high, working with david to make something out of nothing and have it be successful. we're both winners when we want to be, when we put our drive and energy into something. there's just no question how strongly we can project ourselves onto reality when we want it. the highlight for me was the owner of the coffeehouse we were sponsered by, a shrewd and incisive no-nonsense businessman, saying i was brilliant and that he'd never seen someone put so much energy into a project. and that i'd impressed him which was saying a lot because he's not easily impressed. it meant a lot to me because the guy says what he means and doesn't bullshit. He really meant it and it came out of respect--i'm on his level. i think i knew that this was one of the things i wanted going in. it was one of my goals--to have a great time, to give others a great time, to win, and to let an opportunity that this guy gave us turn into something bigger and stronger than he could have ever expected, demanding his respect as an equal. i'm really happy because we succeeded in all of those objectives.

his girlfriend, the owner of a seed company that also won a few awards, gave a speech the second time saying this was for all the women out there who dare to dream. that when she first started, this guy had said she was a goldfish who needed to learn how to swim with sharks and now she was swimming with sharks. afterwards, she came up to me and gave me a big hug and said that us women just have to do it. it doesn't matter if it's a man's world, but if we have the talent and the ability and the burning in our hearts, we have to do it. in a way, that second speech came after we won, and i think it had to do with both of our wins...we were the only two women in the winners. that meant a lot to me.

i'm still recovering from the cup. i really did put everything into it, but it was great, it was so focused, i never lost track of my goals. it was 22 energy. the craziest thing is that at the beginning of the year, i would have never expected that 2008 would involve me quitting my job of 4 years, meeting a soulmate, moving to amsterdam and winning a cannabis cup.

this year has been the most incredible, free, adventurous of my life and i'm so thankful for it.

berlin

is this borrowed time?
was something valuable broken that night?
are we just episodically reliving the echoes of that night?
or is it me, the constant storm brewing inside me
a tormented ghost
a blackwashed memory
trapped within, shaking its cage at night
demanding to be acknowledged as a real and living breathing thing that
happened

so it can free itself
find a wide open space
flail its fists at invisible people who were
there but not there when she really needed them
cut herself open
and scream.

without endings there are no beginnings.
that was how this journey began.
without breaking the old, you can't make way for the new.
even if the new has the same face as the old.

i went to a new chiropractor today. he broke up scar tissue in my body. he was surprised how i worked through it and didn't cry or complain. he said i was really tough. he said it's the men who usually holler and cry...women are just tougher. i told him when it comes to things that need to be done, facing pain, the worst i might do is cuss, but usually i giggle.

i told him that the person i'm dating picks up my pain psychically. i told him how the night i left, i'd tried to help him work out pain in his left shoulder. the next day, i had pain in my right shoulder in the same place under the shoulder blade. a few days later, he had a headache and as soon as i got off the phone, i had a blinding headache. the doctor said he hoped that by healing me, it would heal him.

also, when i told him about how he psychically picks up my pain, the doctor said, yeah, he's the one. he's your soulmate.

i thought about it. it felt like so long ago that i still believed in soulmates, like an echo when i never realized the original sound was gone.

i told him yes, he and i both recognized each other when we first met. in fact, i'd been having dreams about him months before, even knew his name.

wow, the doctor said. you have a really good life.

i thought about it. i said:

sometimes you have to be careful though. sometimes soulmates come into your life strong, but it turns out they weren't meant to stay but they're just meant to help move you towards where you're supposed to be.

he was quiet for a bit, his hands dropping to his lap as he contemplated.

that's true, too, he finally said, quietly.

inside, something in me cringed. truth is truth but it still hurts to hear it sometimes.

when the session was over, he told me i struck him as someone who really saw things, and told me again that i have a really good life.

i thanked him and meant it.

the sadness never hit me, at least not all at once.

it started as a trickle, and no matter who reached out with kindness or what strangers tried to give me warmth, it felt like drops of heat that filled me, tumbling me down down down inside myself until i was laying in it.

what you exchange for being able to see and feel more consciously, is a painfully conscious awareness that whatever the truth may be, whether you want it or not, you will always have to accept it.

it's what i always wanted. but is this a good life? can truth intersect what i want?

highlight of my night has got to be shaq pushing everyone in a red uniform tonight. espn's probably gonna go hogwild over it all night.

i'm strong
i'm happy
i'm free
whatever will be will be.

the love that i give the world
is a reflection of everything i see
and those who want to will understand
that the world is a beautiful place through my eyes...
one they can only see if they believe
one that takes faith to realize

to come from a place where humans have been so angry
and to stand proudly and nakedly with light
people who truly see me believe in magic
those who can't or won't...i tried
no matter what i can't change.
i won't get discouraged or fight
life is a river so much more powerful than me
and i'll find what i need when it's right.

last night i had a dream where i was in a very sunny place. new town, new home, nothing was familiar because i'd left my old life to begin anew, and i took solace that it was new. a new start. i could feel that i was trying to get away, get away from the old and familiar that had become too painful and draining for me to feel like myself anymore, so i hoped to find myself in the new, that by being surrounded by all that was unfamiliar, i would come face to face with all that was truly me within me. i needed to be myself again, be with myself again, not fight with people who did not accept what i tried to give, who didn't trust what i was trying to give, who tore me down so some days were filled with a feeling of isolation, of loneliness. not everyone has to accept me, but i want to find the people who do, and want who and what i am without rejecting me if i come too close to them or their pain. i wanted to find nice people willing to accept what i want to give, because the truth in this kind of connection will be easy and obvious.

it felt like the farther away i went though, the farther i went to the edges of town, i would end up back in the same place, in the living room of my new townhome in a strange little sunny town. one day, i got in my car and drove out of town, out through the desert, out through mountains to find another town, but when i opened the door to my new house, he was sitting on the couch waiting for me.

hello, i said.

hello, he said.

i had questions, like what he was doing there, how he had known, but a part of me knew that this was his place as much as it was mine, that no matter how far i went, the end of the line in the distance always returned to the same point here.

so i gave in to it. it was good for a little while. we stayed on the surface politely. i almost forgot about the loneliness. one night, the town was protesting because something had happened that was unfair, some rule that was an injustice, a discrimination. the young people in town were up in arms, marching through the streets towards city hall, yelling in windows for people who were passive and afraid to get involved to stand up and fight for what's right. another couple, the girl being a friend of mine, sarah i think, were with us in our living room. they had come over and the four of us had planned to join the march that night and had put on our coats getting ready to leave, but as soon as the protestors arrived, as soon as they were yelling into our window, he sat back down.

let's go, i said, considering we were planning to join them anyway. hell, we all already had our coats on. no, he said. he looked stricken, terrified, likely to bite me defensively if i made a sudden move towards him. he looked at the mob in our window, carrying signs, angry, yelling at us for being passive while people outside suffered. i felt like they were angry at us, but if they saw us leave and join them, they would cheer, because they could see we were on the same side.

but he wouldn't get up, scared of the angry crowd. we're with them, i said. we're on their side. if we don't go out there, they're going to think we're against them but if we go out there and face them, they'll be happy. but he wouldn't go because he was afraid of them, afraid of their collective anger, afraid of their collective chaos, afraid of their collective energy, just inexplicably, afraid.

he left the room and i looked from my friend to the crowd at the window. it almost looked like the window was caving in, was going to burst in a shatter of glass at their sheer intensity, their fervor that we were being passive and allowing bad things to happen outside us as though these things weren't completely in our hands. they wanted us to stand up and get out of the house because it's always in our hands if we stand up to things, if we stand up for things, if we unite.

but the three of us were alone in the room, he was gone, and i didn't know what to do.

it felt like the room was leaking water, and then i realized it was coming from inside me, like the pressure inside my chest was so great, it had sprung a leak that burned me with each drop that fell in a pool in my stomach.

my friend looked at me with such love and compassion i couldn't stand it because she's wasn't the one i needed it from. i shook my head and looked far away, knowing she knew the truth as well as i did but i was afraid to hear it.

is he always going to run away from his emotions like this, she asked me, quietly.

suddenly, it became overwhelming, the truth so obvious and thick in the room. inside me, i felt the coming of the flood, the flood that would burst my insides and suddenly, i would become nothing.

i slipped to the floor and cried, releasing all the pain and sadness i've been holding in for so long, her concerned voice, the voice of someone who loves me, yelling my name while he was nowhere to be found, melting into darkness until the world and my body no longer existed and i was just a pool of echoes.

i put my trust in you
pushed as far as i could go
in the end it doesn't really matter

because no matter how much you love someone
no matter how much you give and how much you
want to support
their wounds are theirs to keep.
their wounds are theirs to heal.
and if they can't trust you in those painful places
if they can't trust you enough to let go of their pain
if they can't trust you to lead them out of the darkness
even though you know your love
is the brightest, most healing light
this is their choice
you have to respect that no matter
how much it hurts you.
the only thing you can decide
is how will you lead your life
how will you define your own happiness
how will you honor yourself and your
short time as this embodiment on this earth
even if it means letting go of something you
love so deeply
even if it means cutting out a piece of yourself
to set the rest of you free.

we've all been wounded in some way
life and humans have sharper edges than
they mean to have
it's those of us who have been brave enough to trust
and have faith in light
who have found a way to heal.
but not everyone wants to heal.
sometimes scars and pain are the only friends
a person could count on to always be consistent
and that may be the saddest story of all.
i am not one of these people anymore.
i am not walking wounded.
i have been free for a long time
and with the right kind of love, i will
give everything without concern to my scars.

they will either come to you bravely
and accept you and the warmth of your
hands completely
their hands helping yours do the same
or clutching their wounds, they will
disappear into the night.

life is not in any one person's hands.

the best you can do is be true to your highest self and try.

my time in la has been really good but not enough. i was supposed to have been able to spend more time at home to reflect, but after only one night with friends and one night with brian, i've gotta go to the bay area and intersect the realities of my family who have been a bit neglected. still, this is not enough time alone to reflect on my own path. i was due to disappear into meditation two days ago. i need to commit to it and do it. tomorrow, i go off the grid. wednesday, i go into the woods. after that...will be whatever happens, whatever's supposed to happen. i will be brave and accept my reality whatever it is.

the aftertaste of today:

something today did not add up.

man up
stand up

admit.

heart of velvet
brutal hands
infallible code of honor
equal to only his other
truth lays within both man and beast
grace lives in one or the other.

i have to be myself. that's just what it comes down to.

aspiration


what?

nothing.

no really, what'd you say?

nothing.

sorry.

i experience the range of human emotions through faces
i enter your life through your eyes and your words.

it depends on how you feel having a stranger crawl through your house. most people don't.

i am careful not to be followed home.

most people aren't.

how do we count our memories? in their value remembered? or their value forgotten?

it's the idea of solitude that always got me

but i was always waiting for someone.

amsterdam

city of light
city of darkness
flimsy to the seasons
whimsical to murk

these days, i only tell the people closest to me that i'm happy.

every piece of his past i learn is like ripping open a scar, reopening old wounds, and leaving them open to heal or consume me. they are his past yet i feel them as old injuries, as though my heart was always aware of everything throughout time, but i need to hear him tell me himself so i can convince the part of me that doesn't want to believe it's true. you see it all as a betrayal, no matter how unfair it is, and at the end of the day it's whether you can be with someone who lives up to any of your ideals.

i suspect that when the questions end, we'll finally begin.

musical identity. highs and lows the sum of individual notes. i like to trick you, where the bigger picture doesn't seem to be made up of the notes. and you have to decide, which do you believe.

it's easy. i can be anything you want me to be. if i let you. and secretly, i usually do.

the biggest risk is that i disappear.

there's a secret to that as well. the secret balance where i forget i can.

disappear. i was going to disappear today. but i didn't. i like to talk while i drive. you'd be surprised by how many things i can do without really paying attention. or maybe you wouldn't be. but if i'm asked for it with absolute honesty, there are things i give absolute attention.

call people up, grab them by the heart through the phone. words energies spaceless bodiless you bring their worlds inside you and you have the chance to understand. give them something, some light. accept when they give you light.

little boys who brood in the dark.

you all know who you are.

you're like eyes of wolves pearing out from the edge of the woods. i see you.

i could be the best friend you ever had if you stand up and realize how to hug me. sometimes it's the right things touching at the right moments. learn how to let go. make a decision to grow up.

then you can find out if what you saw was illusion or real.

everyone. within a moment. will think the same thought.

everyone, within a moment, will have their hearts seize up and feel the same emotion.

everyone, within a moment, will open their eyes and in an instant realize the truth of it.

it's the ones who stay awake long enough to remember that moment who bear the secrets of the world.

my world is my primal companion. a kinship between a predator and a child left in the woods. i know it will never bite me as long as i believe it will never bite me. i've accepted it by giving in to it so in essence, i've crossed a barrier into the eyes of something completely primal.

a man and his meat. you don't get between a man and his meat.

men don't understand the meaning of everything. i think they do, but they're afraid to.

i can go wherever i want.

don't come at me the right way, i'll bite you.

but outside of that, i'm highly trained.

i am 2 side today. 8 was a strong number. at times i had both side 1 and 2 using the same voice. today i was not paying full attention. today was a day where i was floating.

36 is my favorite here. 29 is my favorite there even though i always felt warmly towards 36 when i caught it. 63 is not the same thing as 36. it's gotta be 36.

08-...-2008 22:02:28

it was important.

today i used a power saw. without safety goggles. cutting glass.

tomorrow i will be social and try not to be too weird. keep my honesty at bay. tell enough jokes so that people don't notice. make food.

i'm relieved my little mormon is still here. i wish his people were kinder to everyone.

sleep. i should sleep right now. but i don't want to miss out on the good stuff.

two worlds rotating in opposite directions

he would be better at it than me.

trust. i really don't trust you until you answer all my questions.

there are always things in there that you don't want to find. i don't really want to find them either. but the problem is, these questions. they show up like packages on my doorstep that can't be ignored.

darkness or light. darkness or light.

you can have either. but keep toying with me and you're just going to get more than you can handle.

need someone higher than me to help me get perspective. that's the real way to support me. not by bullying me when i'm trying to boost you up.

life could go either way.

i'm let down by the way people always make promises like dangling carrots. i'm a horse. i'll always be seduced by carrots. sometimes it's not fair that they keep me running this way. one day i'm just going to sit down and say fuck it. and when they ask me what's wrong, i'm gonna say, i'm a fucking horse. i don't need your fucking carrot. i can eat some damn grass if i want to. and i won't even bother to watch them walk away.

david
my sole masterpiece
carving into stone to set the angel free
chips cutting into steady hands and making them bleed
but no other choice but to live
frenzy and need
to rescue the buried
and a shattering silent cry for a heart that arrived before its time
finally found
clinging to its other within rock
above me, the goddess laughs
a single light burning through black
while stones and hands and hammers below
dream of angels.

pick and choose your battles. pick and choose your battles.

if you really wanted me to be really honest, i'll tell you everything but you have to be willing to hear me first, not attack everything that comes out of my mouth at first sign of skin.

maybe i say too much when i'm honest. i'm known for my honesty sometimes for my brutality with it.

i wish i could have been there for him with my arms.

fear is such a disease. you can conquer it to the edges of you, just feeling it as a pressure on your heart, but you have to always focus on remaining relaxed and clear and stronger than fear so it doesn't pull you into it's circle of rage, passing back and forth between people.

3 night...7 hours of sleep. can't eat. head clear. constantly touched by people. heart full.

you wouldn't believe how much i love him. it's like my dedication to him forces me to travel deep inside myself and accept the parts of myself that are so difficult for me to love, just so i can give him as much of everything as i can rip from walls with bare hands. if i were honest and not so tired from awareness, tired from wrestling with him, i would tell him...stop worrying. i would want him to believe in himself. i would want him to stop being afraid of me. i would want him to take care of me. i would want him to feel confident that he could take care of me. i would want him to know that with someone who is really willing to come with me, i will light the way. as long as he can protect my body from darkness.

sometimes it's like the sheer power to believe isn't enough to make people trust. why do we walk wounded. some of us aren't even wounded. sometimes i feel like life tried to blind me, and all of a sudden, i found i could see a side of things not everyone can see. no sleep no food no mind. just present perceiving and a feeling of being in the world and being without. i haven't even looked at my cards yet. i wonder if the will speak to me.

i always slap people. energetically. not enough to really hurt anyone but just a warning that i'm joking but i'm serious. sometimes i'm really angry, and whenever i'm angry, i want people to stand up. i want them to be bigger than this. which loved one hasn't been cussed at by me? i laugh when you call me abusive. if you only knew how wide my heart was for your happiness.

we fight. it directly correlates to fucking. one energizes the other. one can't live without the other. every day you need one or the other. we make positive choices. some days it feels we will spontaneously combust. if it could happen we would probably look forward to it because it would bring us closer together.

i talk to him the way i talk to myself. for better or for worse. sometimes i just want to unleash my straightforwardness on him. my honesty. show him everything. but i'm pretty sure he doesn't really want to see yet, hence the resistance, so i am patient. i don't think it will happen until he can actually hear me. one day, he'll just get it, who the hell i am. then i'll start using less words and more meaning. try not to run straight at crabs. it kind of tweaks them. can't really hug them either, until you transform the crab into a man.

learn what truth is for me. you really want to know, you peel off every layer of something (with every layer having its own truth) until you finally get its core truth, its being. you have to be persistent, because if you don't ask for it, you won't get through the layers. people hate answering the same question over and over. they don't understand that if they actually heard the question and considered the answer honestly, they would be able to give an answer that would satisfy the question.

today was a good day. yesterday was a good day. everyone is happy around me. i'm so confused by the weather and the way the air feels. i'm actually motivated to go to the beach.

ah, beach. venice. social experiments. truth.

yes. tomorrow i'm going to disappear.

once you find another person who can really hear you, who can really understand you and believe in you, who can really be inside you, then within those airwaves, you've found your personal jesus.

no i'm not going to switch my mind to your time zone. you're fucked la. this time i can really see you guys and i'm going to tell it like it is.

speaking of.

cosmic stalkers. took him 10 years.

email to friend i haven't spoke to in a long time:

So I've been living in Europe the last 3 months. Today was my first day back in LA, landed this morning, my head a continent away. In between the Prop8 protest and SWAT response happening at the end of my street and a wild Madonna concert which was the happiest (gayest) mass event in recent memory, I walk into my favorite writing spot, my home away from home, my haven, the place where the different storylines of my life collide, and there sits ... .......

what?

tonight i am free. home. can feel my feet again for the first time in 3 months.

me. completely. me in secrecy. the truth of me.

finally. to wear my own skin again.

find things i've lost in the ocean. proof of god. proof there is someone out there who listens, who sees. this is important to me.

honesty. only when i believe in something will i make the effort to show myself.

yes, i am stronger than i'm willing to lead people to believe. it's just none of most people's business what i can do.

secretly, i'm still on amsterdam time. it's how i'm able to see you people so clearly today.

now you know it in reverse:

to get more space, add time.

i am 64% shadow. i am 36% light.

light is more powerful but harder to maintain.

when i choke the shadow and it bleeds, i get music.

within the whirlwind, remember me. if you forget, i forget.

i only look in eyes.

relationships aren't about validation.

it's about the raw, vulnerable, human need to really know someone and be known.

ghosts haunt huts where the dirt floor soaks up spilt blood hungrily, never leaving a trace other than a damp stain that could mean anything.

sometimes people are born in homes turned inside out, where the cold resides within still chambers where the heater roars on.

i knew a woman once who killed herself because she couldn't find her keys one morning and that had been the breaking point. it was on a dark corner where the alleyway met the streetlight, air so cold your breath materializes before it realizes its no longer connected to your body, dead before it hits the ground. she was going in the direction i came, i was going forward, searching for the name of something i'd already found. i saw her sad, inward eyes and recognized her because i'd met her once before, before she ever tried to unlock that secret room, before she knew there was nothing in it. ignorance is always the universe's gift to the innocent. are you alive, i asked her, because something about the moment wasn't right. are you alive, she asked, and dismissed me, walking into the shadows behind me, her black coat flapping unbuttoned despite the cold. i felt snubbed.

it made me more rawly aware of how utterly alone i was on a strange sidewalk in a strange, lost city.

i dreamed of her once. in the dream, she seemed as real as she did to me that night, as real as she had been in the daylight as a flesh and blood person. she found me at the edge of a canal, watching the ducks swim jagged paths in the murky water, almost restless with their need to escape the very being of who they were. she sat next to me and for a second, i thought she was my best friend, though once i realized my mistake, the feeling of familiarity did not dissipate. she was wearing a red sweater with a single, round felt covered button at the neck. it seemed to diminish her so she seemed so much smaller, so much farther way than she actually was.

you should know you're being followed, she said. i'm sorry no one has ever told you that.

she stood up and left. i noticed her feet looked too small for her body. i may or may not have said goodbye, but i watched the ducks for a while, until one of them plunged under water and despite my anxious attention, never resurfaced.

time is turning in on itself. if you need more time, add distance.

mom and michael coming on sat. the four of us are going to paris next week. i'm excited. can't wait to see the dali museum.

wow. it's like that now, huh?

when people show you who they really are, believe them...the first time.

sadly, a quote from oprah.

proudly, i've taken it to heart.

i'm watching the smurfs in dutch. not exactly the ideal cure for a broken heart, but i'll take it. beggars can't be choosers.

at the end of the day, i remember that people love me and they respect me and want the best for me. there is a positive world that awaits me, because in turn, i focus on the positive and put my faith that if good people are what i'm looking for, good people are the ones who will surround me. that even in a situation that tears me down, i will not lose myself, i will not lose sight of who i am and what i deserve. i also know that i will not allow myself to put up with a situation that is destructive and has no desire to change. nothing is ever 100% good or 100% bad, but if it's not organically moving towards the positive, then what good is it? i had beautiful moments, which makes it harder to know that for whatever reason, it just wasn't enough. that wanting things to work out and trying my best just wasn't enough. ah, that's the part that really breaks my heart.

i know that no matter what, i tried with the best of efforts and intentions, even if others want to take me for granted and tell me it's not enough. the basic thing is if someone doesn't respect the value of what i give, then i'll find myself people who do and will reciprocate in kind. people who build bridges instead of telling you you can have everything...just don't make any demands on them. at the end of the day, i can give positively but i can not force another person to do anything even if it is for their own benefit. i know that i am a good person, will always be a good person, and will always have love and positive regard to give to those who truly want it and appreciate it, and are willing to create positive situations in which these things can be exchanged and magnified.

i have no regrets no matter how much things will hurt until they stop. inside every part of me, i know i tried and i gave everything. it doesn't matter what others think. i know that and i have peace.

i am comfortable in knowing that even when there is disappointment or heartache, i will be with the person who deserves me, because i know without question it is what i deserve. pain is superficial. time heals all wounds. but letting yourself down when you know you deserve more...that is unacceptable.

sometimes i feel like i'm getting smaller and smaller and one day, i'll just simply lose my voice and disappear.

the frustration has been quietly building but i can't talk about it because otherwise it will rock the boat. i have to remain calm and make sure everything that is said is for the benefit of the both of us and the relationship. i am getting smaller and smaller and yesterday, i literally lost my voice. i often see outward symptoms as clear reflections of what's going on inwardly.

i suspect i'm quietly drowning in my own words falling on deaf ears.

i am wholely uncomfortable today and feeling alone. even the threat of rain is not soothing whatever it is on the periphery of my insides that's telling me that things are not the same on the surface as underneath it, and it makes me feel more isolated that i can't get anyone to acknowledge this and explain the disparity to me.

between the click of the light and the start of a dream

how do we really know anyone in life outside of taking their word for it, and then experiencing the sum of their actions and reactions. to trust someone 100% requires a mutual trust in you 100%. it is complete openness, like water that flows between two entities with no resistance. how to explain your absolute need and desire to trust someone and give them everything they need to trust you, to want to be connected with someone on every level more than the value of life itself so that there is complete, absolute openness and oneness, when you fear that deep-down, they will never 100% let you in. how to explain your secret terror that you will spend your life living with a stranger, a mysterious, locked presence whose body and words only magnify the impenetrable silence behind them.

some people think being physically present is enough even when to the person who wants to be close to them, their insides are towering, pervading questions cloaked in shadows.

my father told me once that he never abandoned our family and that should have been enough. he told me i was greedy. what more do you want from me, he yelled, trying to back me down to the only acceptable answer for him...i want nothing.

how to explain to him what it feels like to want to deeply love someone, but feeling like you're loving a stranger, a ghost, someone who is physically present but who you've already lost long before you were born. how to explain the desperation for something you could see and feel that could connect you, give you hint of meaning. how to explain the loneliness.

physical presence is not enough. like a hug with no arms. like open eyes solid as a heavy door bolted from the inside. like a midnight phone call stirring you from a deep slumber with only the echoes of silence.

how it feels when the most important man in your life is there, but not there.

sometimes you disappear.
sometimes i dream that one day, you will disappear completely, leaving only the body of a man to remind me that the depths i've dreamed of will always lay next to me, but remain entire universes out of my reach.

is it possible to have it all, a consistent and present connection of body, mind, heart and soul?

i was promoting today and ran into a group of guys from england in town for a stag party. they were sitting on the patio outside a pub and all had matching shirts with nicknames on the back. the one named garb waved me down and told me he loved me. i talked to them to find out about who was getting married but mostly, to promote the show. they said that they had a friend inside who was talking up a chick and asked if i would go up to him and tell him not to be such a slut. which guy, i asked. his t-shirt says STD on the back. his name's sid, but we changed it to STD, they said. you want me to pretend to be his angry girlfriend?, i ask. yeah!, they say. you want me to slap him, i ask. yeah!!, they say. how about throw a beer in his face?, i ask. yes!!, they all say almost orgasmically.

what if the girl freaks out, i ask. he just met her, they say. she won't do anything.

but i know, the last time i played this joke, things went a bit pear-shaped (circa 1998--dublin's, sunset strip. my friend louis chatting up this girl after closing and i go up pretending to be his girlfriend who's caught him talking to another girl. even though i'm the supposed girlfriend, this ho tries to fight me, prompting security to run up and put louis of all people in a chokehold). they insist so finally i give in. hell, it's so hard for me to say no to a practical joke.

so i walk in and sid (aka std) is a burly guy with a shaved head. a bit intense looking. he's sitting at the bar talking to a girl in her mid 20's. i put my head next to him and stare until he turns around. i look pissed. you told me you were going back to the hotel room, i say like i'm spitting venom. strangely enough, he stares at me like a dog who's been caught eating out of the garbage, tail between his legs. what the fuck are you doing?, i ask him. he just stares at me with that beaten look. it was strange. the way he was reacting, it was like i really was his girlfriend who'd caught him cheating. so i hit/shove him on the shoulder and storm out (never slapped anyone in the face and wasn't gonna do it to that poor guy).

his mates are all standing in the doorway laughing their heads off. behind me i hear sid make some exclamation of relief. they high five me on the way out and ask if i'll be their guide tonight. i ask if they can guarantee that i won't get vomit on my shoes and they can't, so i tell them that i'm cooking dinner for my partner tonight but wish them a good trip. in a way, part of being a resident (albeit temporary resident) of amsterdam is helping to create memorable moments for tourists.

i did pass by a little while later and saw that sid was sitting with his mates and the girl had joined them. glad to see that the little stunt hadn't hurt his prospects.

since i was asked where the last post came from...

though i was referring to the nouvelle vague version.

you should never be too drunk to fuck. that's somewhere in the top 10 guidelines for good, righteous living. anyone who finds themselves too drunk to fuck is a loser.

rie put it best. so many people act like when a man asks a woman to marry him, it's going to be this big, surprising, magical moment where a girl has to suddenly decide at that moment if she wants to spend the rest of her life with this person. that's kind of a childish way to look at it...it almost sounds like a game show. i like to think that marriage is a decision between two adults. ideally, it's slowly worked towards and openly communicated about. nothing is hid and you can speak openly about your ideas of partnership and expectations, and express hopes and fears in terms of what each person can give or needs. it's basically merging individual egos and sharing goals, visions and decisions within the same level of trust and comfort. if you don't know or aren't sure, you aren't ready. it doesn't matter how drama-ful or drama-less the ramp up to this place is. there has to be partnership. there has to be complete open communication and trust. there has to be an unadulterated connection that bonds you together into an entity greater than the parts.

if you live in the moment and let the moment live for you, if you forge on bravely with your only focus being to overcome any obstacle that appears before you while never letting go of your partners hand, you'll be able to lift your head above the flow of the river, an echo of a moment where everything stands still and the present is neither past nor future. you'll see exactly what it is that you have.

some people focus on things that will make them happy.
some people focus on things that will make them unhappy.

when my partner and i sleep, we intertwine our bodies with our foreheads touching, our sense of selves following silent thoughts along twisted pathways into the other's depth where we sit and breathe. i am inside him and outside him. he is inside me and outside me. when we dream the same dream, there is no separation.

house rules: come in and behave or get banned. it's that simple.

i am sorry you have been reincarnated into a computer. i hope that someday when the robots catch up, they'll build you arms and legs.

whatever colors you have in your mind
i'll show them to you and you'll see them shine...

why wait any longer for your world to begin
you can have your cake and eat it too.
why wait any longer for the one you love
when he's standing in front of you.

today the subject is shadows. particularly, the shadows of our past, the shadows that form into entire identities whose darkness can suddenly wash through us, filling us with fierce, breathing storms that seem to bring the coldest chill to the hearts closest to us. in a way, this storm is our life force, rejuvenating us, refilling us with the passion that we have so forcefully trapped in padlocked basements before it suddenly breaks free, filling us.

this storm is not rage, though rage is similarly deep-rooted. when i am gripped by my most uncontrollable moments of rage, i am filled with fear, fear that i have been taken over by something destructive beyond my control, fear as a raw force whose sustenance requires pain.

but when it is the shadow that fills me, i am calm, detached. the shadow stirs up a storm that is as violent as it is soothing, as electric as it is cleansing. i am being lulled by the rhythm of the rain in the center of the tempest, knowing that things will happen the way they are supposed to happen, that with crippling devastation comes new life, so i let the storm expand into the fullest stretches of its static demands. i let it thrash i let it scream i let it breathe. i let it suffer i let it seduce i let it grieve. i let it tear off layers of earth until it reveals all that is buried beneath, storm waters forcing dense blackness to the surface so there is no denial, only recognition and acceptance, before washing them away...downstream towards a point in a gray horizon. i let it wind down until it is a breath, a single breath that passes through my body and out of me, until everything is connected again, and time has caught up with the present.

the shadow has carried everything that has ever been too difficult for me to carry. now that i am in a place where i can handle them, the shadow is releasing, dredging up everything so that i can put these fragments back together into an integrated, infinite being. my shadow has suffered stoicly at my hands and never complained.

now you always say, that you want to be free...

is time really on our side? or do our fingers slip a little more each time? why do bad things happen when there is time?

i had missed my tram and had conversation with the new girl who just got hired as a promoter.

she told me she didn't know much about her astrology sign so i started telling her, and then we were having a conversation where she was telling me exactly how her mind works because it lay along the things i'd described. she's incredibly brilliant with calculation and analysis. in fact, she could do a lot with her life with this gift. i told her it's a gift and she has to honor and take care of it. that a lot of people won't understand it but will want to put out your enthusiasm because they feel threatened. she tells me how people are always trying to tell her she's stupid and i tell her, i know, that's the way it's going to be for a while, until you figure out where you want to focus your gift. but just because they don't understand it, doesn't mean you disrespect it. don't ever forget that you're luckier than most people, and you can either use your abilities for good or not good.

she told me that it was like i knew her secrets and if i always talked to people this way. i said, some people. the right people. the people who need it because i get something out of this too, i learn. she said that she thought i'm psychic and i laughed. in a way, i said. i feel like i met god today, she said. i tell her more that she caught a glimpse of him, that the fact that i'm saying things which are secretly things she's secretly held in means that it's true, it's real and she has to honor it.

who are you?, she asks.

a good person, i say.

we talk a little bit and then i see my tram so i run across the crowded square and head home.

if you relax your outlook enough to keep your own projections (and judgments) separate so that you endeavor to see with complete objectivity and positive regard, you'll see that people tend to always have subconscious or unconscious ways that show what privately hurts them (sometimes even under their own self-awareness). if you can find a safe way to talk about it with them and trust the interaction, you'll find that something beautiful and real emerges that gives you proof of god.

we accept the love we think we deserve.

no more, no less, it is what is.

decide what you deserve. then you will understand why you get what you get, and if it's not acceptable, you will know the way to get what is acceptable. 

often, you just have to ask yourself the right questions and be prepared for honest answers. some people won't accept unconditional love from someone who wants to give it to them because deep down, they don't feel they deserve it, or for whatever reason, their own love and feelings for themselves is conditional. in this way, they will only accept what they feel they deserve, rejecting anything that is more or better. some people will leave situations even if they desire it and want it to work because at the end of the day, they truly feel they deserve better, something more unadulterated than their partner is willing or able to give.

no matter what, there's no judgment to it, just a simple observation of what is. if we accept the love we think we deserve, by examining the love we want or that is in our lives, we are able to see exactly what it is we think we deserve and thus, how we really feel about ourselves and if that, in and of itself, is acceptable and what we really want.

we all get the lives we want whether consciously or unconsciously. i feel that most people have a better chance of being content with what they have if they go about making these choices consciously, and making conscious what goes on unconsciously. truth should never be feared. most of the times when people fear truth, they are only fearing their ability to face and accept truth.

why do we mourn for our own lost innocence when we see it in others, when it is still there, alive and intact, within ourselves? 

why do we mourn for the loss of our pure, unadulterated selves, when it is always present?

it is illusion to think that life, no matter how devastating, not matter how ugly, can take the truth of ourselves away from us. no one can take anything that is real away from you. we can only believe the lies told in desperation by the wounded and weak, believe their ugly view of the world full of victims and perpetrators, believe their self-fulfilling disease is the way of "the real world" until we turn away from our own truth, beauty, magic and innocence, letting these precious things starve and wither like an unwatered plant deep in the core of our being.

the thing is, that plant's connected to everything and the roots run deep, as deep as everything that is and was because it's a part of everything the way you are a part of everything and anything that is, was and will be. that plant can never die because life can never die. it can only be neglected. but it will bloom for you, filling with powerful love and life force the moment you allow it to, the moment you allow yourself to.

so why do we grieve for the losses of ourselves, of our innocence, for those dark periods in the past where we may have given up ourselves and let our spirit and illuminous well fall into neglect? does not this grieving only perpetuate this loss? does it not make more sense to honor it and enjoy the present and the fullness of your being rather than waste more energy mourning for the neglected self and the time lost to hurt and sadness?

time is not real. it is only a measurement of present moments that are no longer present. only the present exists at any given time, only how you want to embrace the present. how would you like to experience yourself in the present? with honor and appreciation?

or disappointment for past loss and sorrow? 

there's always a choice, my friend.

thursday

whenever it rains here, i experience tabula rasa. it always happens when i'm staring at the gray perpetual sky with the water falling on my face, pooling in my eyes like tears. i always hold my palms out to receive as well as give.

then i come home, and i feel as though i'm carrying electricity, and then things seem to go back the way they were last before the internal storms exploded destructively, and david is who i remember him to be and we continue on, working on our story as though nothing ever happened. 

status check:

sleep: +.5 to 1 hour a night

food: more fresh vegetables, more red meat, more whole dairy, more whole grains, less performance food (aka supplements, protein shakes)

exercise: 3x a week in gym (1.5 hour cardio only), about 3-5 miles walked a day.

ambition: + in creativity, - in monetary earnings. i make 50-70 euros a week on 12 hours of work and i'm happy.

creative output: + for inspiration, - for completion (no change from la). though sometimes when i write a story, it happens.

social experiments: + /- new characters & insight, more opportunities, higher risk, shorter leash.

relationship work: + overall, though - during times when old issues rear their ugly heads and reactive behavior must be reprogrammed. necessary but still a temporary blow to self-esteem and idealism.

sex: ++ the only constant.  

friends: + only through work, all guys who know i'm in a relationship so nothing significant.

vices: no change. just space cakes. have gained more extensive knowledge of range of drugs and effects, though am still at same breadth of experience as when i came here. have not experimented with anything new, and do not appreciate the quality of my only supplement of interest, though ingestible goods are quite positive experiences. i hear cocaine is a bitch of a drug. if i tried it it would be out of spite.

psychic eye: ++ very strong. my only regret was not bringing my tarot cards. have a new deck of ibis tarot. it will take me much time to master as the aesthetic language is in egyptian symbols without the strong focus on astrology, which is the mystic language i am most fluent in. it focuses on consciousness, so while i haven't had focus on it, i feel it will help me get in tune with a different level of dimension. people approach when i want them to approach, stay away when i want them to. i never have to chase interactions. they come to me.

impishness: +/- (inhibited). amsterdam is a small city where everyone knows each other, but it's also filled with tourists who come and go. so either anything you do, people will find out about, or you get away scot free. have impulse to do things in the background of people's photos, but have not yet. did get caught timing the guy with the hooker few weeks ago and that spread around the office quickly, so that has kept me in check to be aware of impulsive behavior for my own amusement.

restlessness: varies. it comes and goes. sometimes i want to fly, sometimes, i want to nest. 

shadow: present. an adversary and ally.

consciousness: +/- in my better moments, i see that i am part of everything and everything a part of me, just as it is on the outside, just as it is on the inside. how i treat and receive the characters in my outer world directly correlates with the things i work on internally. to get inside someone else, only remember that they are part of you and thus, accessible, the way areas within yourself are accessible. the way you do it is with a promise of being completely respectful. and if they're letting you use them to play out your internal drama, then you do your best to honor that gift. 

overall wellness of being: body is taking the brunt of the damage. right knee clicks and mosquitos have launched late night ninja attacks on areas that are off-limits from the accord made between mosquitos and man dating thousands of years back (no biting on the face or bottom of the feet). headaches from stress twice last week. sudden lack of coordination or attention to physical tasks (drop a lot of things when focus shifts). but it's still tight, still rises to the task of what i need of it each day. mental acumen strong, articulation flows unconsciously and am able to use words to get inside people seamlessly, though once in, my sudden self-awareness makes me bungle sometimes. psychic ability is very strong so am able to have multi-level conversations simultaneously while going through people's inner thoughts, experiences and feelings. have found that while i can retrieve information, i often can't decode it, sometimes until later, sometimes never--only that there's something there and i've made a copy of it. relationships with others have been strong, magnetic and positive. no one gets defensive or weirded out when i pull things out of them. people are so open that i don't think they notice or care. emotionally, have been on a roller coaster that seems influenced by the weather, seasons and lunar cycle. at first i theorized that i am perhaps susceptible but have never noticed since i've spent almost a decade in a place that's perpetually sunny. upon closer inspection and observation, david seems highly influenced by the sign of cancer, his mother and the 4th house, i see that his emotional life and energy seem to follow the lunar cycle. new moons are great time for planting seeds and working things out, full moons are climactic and unpredictable. being close to bodies of water seem to also magnetize him, or if i focus on cancerian traits and output that energy into him. when emotionally, we hit the same frequency, both partners become magnetic, even when separated, affecting those around us positively and in out of the ordinary, even magical, ways. this output is very hard to maintain at this point which creates much frustration (on my part). sometimes i do get taken over by the shadow so everything comes out of the shadow and i am subverted, but afterwards is usually a learning, healing and dealing time. shadow has been destructive by nature, but not ultimately destructive for the sake of destruction. rather, for the sake of healing. 

and babe, i'm just like the best thing...that could happen, happen to someone...

i am one, a surface where all that is within meets all that is without.

i realize how i lost my strength and by realizing this, i've gotten it back.

 

stay conscious, stay present. refer to those whose objectivity you trust to help you with perspective.

don't fall into a game of reactions or reflexes, stay clear and strong and watch to see how things are unfolding. there's no judgment about knowing who/what/where/why/how causes the domino-effect of reactions and illusory spin towards fear and negativity. you need to understand these things not for judgment or blame, but out of good sense so you know the forces at work and how to accept them, engage them, ignore them or dismantle them in the name of positive life force and projection.

perceive with detachment, perceive with objective truth so that you can project with positive regard and love. and if the end result is resistant to positive change or unacceptable for who i am and the quality of my spiritual life, i am prepared to do what's best for myself and find that balance wherever it exists.

i will continue to seek with tolerance, patience and open eyes, never taking what comes from life for granted. i know that what i seek will come to me when the time is right and when i am ready, so i will not force anything, or allow external forces to make me impatient, intolerant, negative or destructive. this was the discovery i made last year that freed me from my past and changed my life, and while i have been drifting towards weakness and darkness lately, i am refocusing myself and am determined to be conscious so i can be true to what is real and what is the way.

i'm not falling for negative tricks anymore. i am stronger than that and i know that. you can test me but you'll find out soon enough. dependency is not love. fear is not love. only expansion, acceptance and faith. i am a great person and an asset to people's lives. i'm not going to let anyone or anything make me believe otherwise.

love at its most unconditional is still conditional, even if the only condition is, "respect the value of what is being given."

i think that condition is the most important key to making love unconditional.

sometimes when you search for other people to give you the answers, you realize that the only person who can give them to you, who can help you out of this, is yourself. that's why no one could ever give me what i needed. i have to be able to get these things from myself.

what i am to you, is not real. 

i know people are scared to get close to me sometimes because they're afraid to see into themselves. my honesty can be blatantly reflective.

so i make up lies about why when i know why. every person looks for a reflection of themselves in other people. if you want to have a real partnership, you have to find someone who's seen himself and accepted it. but i don't really want that because i'm still looking for a reflection myself. so that's why my deep interactions are unconscious, people seeking and projecting reflections. i know who he is in this relationship is not really who he is, but completely who he is. he's also wearing what i ask him to wear whether it fits him or not. i also know that i am exactly who i truly am but also what he wants to see in me. i don't know much else from his perspective because i just can't see it. 

is it fair? is it balanced? does it matter? we're seekers. but sometimes it's hard to face the hard truths, because those hard truths are lonely journeys inside ourselves and we're afraid to take the dive alone.

what i am to you

is just what i'm going through

this is nothing new

just a phase of finding what i really need...is what makes me bleed...

but not anymore. i found the secret in how to stop wanting things with sharp edges last year. i can always go back to that craving like an addiction, but why would you want me to? to everyone who's connected to me this year--i can see your pain when it mirrors my own and i can show it to you, as well as show you the beauty of what you were before you lost your innocence. this is why we meet. this is what i can give. i can't do it if you raise too much darkness in me so that i start fighting imaginary demons instead of focusing on the real positives i can give. 

i don't want to hurt myself anymore. i haven't in a really long time and my life has been very positive, completely free of the negativity of my past. i just stopped caring about it. i can still write about the darkness but i prefer to write about the light and hope that the divine source where creativity comes from will grant me the imagination to write about the darkness without having to touch it. but even so, i will not go back to it. why? because it never really owned me. it thought it did, but it didn't.

so i want you, knowing me, knowing what i can give when i'm strong, to ask yourself if you really want me to wrestle with your darkness. to wrestle with your darkness means to wrestle with my darkness which is fine if it's helping you, but i know i can offer something much better. 

really ask yourself, what kind of story would you like this to be?