December

Well, it's been two years and I said I would be back. I would have done this tomorrow to really celebrate the anniversary, but I'll be on a plane (literally) and I didn't want to miss you.

It's been interesting. I've learned a lot. How to love. How to lose. How to be a better man. How those armed forces commercials are disturbingly hypnotic. But I met a lot of people who opened up to me, and they taught me a lot by showing me how they saw themselves through their own eyes.

Some things...

I read this quote: "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

Open yourself up to believing in 2nd chances, to believing that life is not without its surprises. You can beg a mountain a million times to move, but sometimes, if you let yourself be patient, you wake up one day to find that the mountain is no longer in the same place. Sometimes, the universe just wants you to prove how much you wanted it. Sometimes you just have to believe it's possible.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

If you carry around a lot of anger towards yourself and you can't look yourself in the mirror and feel real compassion and admiration for the person you see, then you're never going to let in someone who believes in you as a better person than you're able to see yourself. If you can let go of things enough to believe that you deserve the kind of love that feels good and can make you happy, then you'll be presented with a person who wants to give you just that kind of human connection. You'll still have to open that door though, no matter how terrifying.

"Energy is magnetic."

Personal energy. It's very real. We all have it. Some are able to focus their own better than others. We can draw things into our lives, whether they are positive projections or anxious projections. You have to be very careful not to punish yourself by drawing negative things into your life; a person can really torture himself for a lifetime when he never even needed to in the first place. On the flipside, if you're trying to draw something very specific into your life, don't settle. I was on a fishing trip earlier this year when someone said to me, "This is why it's called fishing not catching." You won't know it's there until it's there, because otherwise, it's not there. Be patient, have faith, and always believe in magic.

This year, I learned about the power of projection and the power of attraction, about how messages are communicated, about how to appreciate people for what they are and where they are on their journeys. I learned that we're all projections...it's hard for people to really see each other. But then when you find that real connection with someone, honor it. Be grateful for what a rare beautiful thing that is and don't take it for granted.

Lastly, keep your eyes open. Life moves fast. But if you show it that you're serious and you do believe in magic, it'll open up its curtains and show you all the things that go on behind the stage.

Welcome.

Most of you don't know me. I am someone who has escaped here from the publicity of another blog.

I am somehow by honor or moral fiber bound to tell the truth. But since I am a very secretive person, the more people who start listening to me, watching me, the more I find ways to mask it.

So I found that with people reading it, thinking they knew me, watching me, I found it very hard to be me anymore. I started to become a reaction to me, a response. And then I started disappearing.

We are lucky that we have a luxury in this day and age, to continue protecting our anonymity while continuing to communicate out into space.

I am that person, who keeps sending messages out into the universe, and hopes one day to get an answer back.

You don't think there is other life out there? Someone who can hear you, truly understand you and for the first time, verify that you actually exist? Isn't that all we as a species want? Just a nice pat on the head to acknowledge that we're real so that we can settle into our relief that all of this hasn't just been lifetimes invested into a complete childish game of pretend?

You don't need to understand me. If you don't, just step aside because I'm looking for some one, something, to give me an answer.

Because I've been pretending for a long time, pretending to be human. Pretending to have feelings and emotions the way others do. Sometimes it's so cold and robotic in here. Sometimes I get a faint hint of warmth, the comfort of having a lizard's heart. And sometimes, I want to wrap people up and heal all of their pain and inner devastation with the sheer intensity of my love for them that the inability to brings me to my knees.

It's been a life time of people making sure I knew that I didn't belong. And a life time of truly good-hearted people, those with blind faith, who believed in me, and wanted to love me.

But now, I need to know. What lays inside me? I need my mirror image, so I can finally know. Who I am.

Throughout all this bullshit in this world, all the people who will pretend they're special to get close to you, I need everyone to be kind and/or mind their own business and step aside. I need everyone around me to be very very quiet, because I need to focus now.

I am searching for someone specific. I commit to not getting distracted. I will recognize this person when I find him. And I will trust the knowledge I will gain.

And if you will all trust me and lay down your arms, I'll bring that knowledge back and share it with you.