Truths and Open Letters
November passed without incident this year and surprisingly made very little stir. Which was surprising to me as November's historically been a very difficult, complex month, yet when it doesn't take me to those dark, hidden places, I feel like I've lost out on something hugely incomprehensible. Like I complained so much about November being a hard month, that I wasn't invited to the secret ritual this year. You bitch too much about anything in your life, you'll regret the day it's gone.
Television is self-medication...it keeps you in such a passive state, you can't feel anymore, and you start to lose touch. I think the more life gets to people, they struggle to find ways to withdraw without realizing it. Jobs, relationships, drugs, alcohol, rituals...they're all just temporary escapes. It's hard being present these days. It's hard to really look at people, at things, at situations, at greater truths, and not be intimidated by the rawness of things that are exactly what they are. It's like we're always assigning values and facades to things, even values and facades that are greater than the nature of the object, because the sheer act of admitting a truth as a Truth is terrible. It means you've given in to the fact that there's no magic in the world.
It's been a while since I've been able to say anything truthful.
Open letters. Stream-of-conscioused.
Things have been great considering I'm living a stable life, have a well-paying job, a mortgage, a relationship, and reports from the parents and their separate universe have sounded positive and civil. The past is the past, the future is painted with monetary figures, interest rates and desired investments, and the present is a list of to-do lists. Overall, mood has been stable, no disassembling bouts of anguish. No threats against self or others. I take that back. One threat to other, but I can't remember what it was over, and as always, it was purely imagined rather than verbalized. The nights have been getting dark earlier, thus my departure from work every day around 3:30. They need to understand, I have to be home or in a safe environment when it gets dark, otherwise, I feel unsettled for the rest of the evening. Taking technical classes. Trying to convert my mind to logical thinking is hard because my mind turns to mush and starts thinking about the abstract.
*****
I understand that I need to work harder.
*****
I thought what mattered to her was that she have things to brag about, and I spent a lifetime trying to keep up with the things she was saying so that people weren't disappointed, or they wouldn't think she was a liar. And then I realized it was really hard. I wonder if I'm sleepy all the time because it's tiring to dedicate a person's life to this.
*****
I know I haven't really been available, or in touch with people. I don't know why. I really don't. I don't want to be that person who's on the outside because no one knows if she's coming or going, but I have no idea. Everything just seems really far away right now.
Plus, I crashed my computer and destroyed my cellphone by accident recently. They say I have very bad luck with computers. I sometimes wonder if it's subconscious, or this external force that follows me, and allows me to enable it to make it difficult to communicate, so then it's easier for me to forget my connection to other people. I was happy to get in touch with Ethan, since I didn't want to lose touch with him. Cheryl, I need to write back. Muskrat...I need to figure out how to contact you. How the hell do you lose touch with someone in this day and age? It's kind of one of my biggest fears, losing touch with people. Then if that's the case, why am I always losing their contact information?
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Congratulations, Lauren. I really, really hope it's as good as it seems, and that everything works out. It's important to me.
******
I'm frustrated about what happened at work today, because it seems like every time it's time to discuss my new deal, it's such a fight. It's like having a boyfriend who says every year that he's not sure he's going to make it to your birthday (we'll get to that later), and after dragging you through all the not knowing, always shows up anyway. It doesn't matter that he's been there every year; he jerks you around, and it's hell every year.
Why have I been fed up this year and not realized it. I enjoy having my own office and the fact that I've left early from work almost every day now, and no one has said anything. My time is mine and if I worked hard to finish early, then I'm not going to sit around, pretending to work when I'm really playing desktop games. Am I just daring someone to say something? Maybe subconsciously. Maybe a part of me thinks no one notices, and the other part wants you to confront me, so I can tell you how unhappy I am. I don't even know if I'm unhappy. Happiness and unhappiness reside within my mental blindspot. But I think after our verbal battle today about my deal for next year, I realized that I didn't want to play games anymore. Not because I haven't been given great opportunities, and treated with respect, but because you still bargain with me, and in doing so, belittle true contributions even just for 10 minutes, just so you can make an extra buck for the company. I'm tired of lying to customers and telling them that something is on the way, when deep down I have a feeling you're bullshitting me when you tell me we'll have stock in a week, and then realizing this is my integrity on the line. I've never been one to offer something which I truly believe couldn't be delivered, and it's giving me a huge internal battle because the one thing that is very important to me, is being sacrificed for you to do business the way you do. And it doesn't make me feel good. I never felt I was disrespected in terms of treatment; in fact, you've given me a lot of dues and love to show off my creative efforts with the company to partners and potential investors. But it really leaves a bad taste in my mouth when I've offered this company incredible value in my work ethic, commitment, efficiency and expertise and have been very successful year after year, and have brought incredible GROWTH as you prefer to measure things, and every year, we have a conversation in which you lowball me. It's disrespectful. If I'm not making six figures easily next year, then I truly believe you are not a man of your word. And I'm not the type of person who ever trusts people based on their words.
*****
It's scary to think about it. The enormous responsibility of ownership.
*****
Mike, I don't think about it because I just don't. That's why I don't remember, but I might be able to if I tried, but I don't try because it has a nagging habit of lingering and causing me to waste time. So that's why I don't remember details, or for what reason I was mad at you that you were hinting at, because you did a lot of shitty things that I'm welcome to dredge up in a rotation and be mad at. But I don't, even though I love being pissed off in general. It's a secret passion of mine, like a closet cocaine habit. But since you asked, I do remember when I saw you with your "friend" a few months ago but something about the whole thing seemed kind of sad, which is why I didn't want to talk about it. And I wanted to be nice about it by not thinking too much about it...I know how it never made you comfortable when I really looked at things about you because it made you feel exposed. But if you ask, the last time I saw you, I think you were in a place where it was important for you to be with someone harmless who looked up to you, which is fine. But I think you were well aware of how much of a band-aid that was, and that knowledge is the hardest thing of all. The greatest hurts have a way of being slippery.
Trying to numb yourself, trying to hide yourself within your drives--for successful, for expensive things, for the respect of those who have more power than you--... it's a dizzying force that wraps you in so much momentum, that the walls around you become fuzzy. Even when you quiet your mind, it's all still fuzzy, an illusion of blankness. You've had it for so long, you'll have it for much longer. I don't see you letting it go, because every time you invite someone in, you have to destroy them, so really, it's a hard security system you've set up. "You will know him by his trail of wounded." haha...for me, that stage was destructively fun for me. I was a sadistic little fuck at the time, and in many ways, I have regrets. I looked at the time with you in a way as being the restitution I had to pay for that, and a chance to see how things looked from the other side. Then I learned it was really about my own growth rather than any successful redemption for you because that's your own journey. So I figured I wouldn't be such a jerk about it just because I felt entitled to finish it. So you let it go. Sometimes a rock is just a rock. You can talk about its incredibly complex (scientific) history of how it became a rock, but it's really only as interesting as a rock. Which is, not very much.
*****
There's something about a man standing at the top of a telephone pole in the middle of nowhere that embodies the entirety of isolation.
