Just days after UCLA upsets USC to give us a chance for a rematch against Ohio State, the coaches decide they don't want to see a rematch and send Florida into the championship bowl. As one analyst said on ESPN yesterday, you can think of many reasons why Florida should be playing for the championship, but you can't find a single justification for why Michigan is not. It's just a huge disappointment.

I'm thinking about what this point in my life means. No, this isn't a reference to the Michigan travesty...I'm not that diehard about the things that are trivial within the big picture. Do I stay at a job where they will continue to groom me to move upwards, and watch my earnings slowly expand from comfortable to enviable, even though I'm well aware that I am helping someone else achieve his goals and dreams? Or do I trust my own abilities to set out on my own and live and die by my own capabilities. Am I really capable of getting organized with the administrative aspects of life and running a business, which are completely daunting to me? Or am I completely not smart enough to handle these things? And what about Michael? He needs to move out of our house in Fremont soon for his wellbeing. Is this the correct instinct to fight for? What if I'm wrong? Can I really support him here in LA, with his medical needs and all the details that I will have chief responsibility for? Can I hold down a full-time job, have outside creative aspirations, and still take care of him and support him as he ventures out into the work world? What if he becomes too attached and we start stunting each other's independent growth? Sometimes I feel like we were one soul, divided, and I selfishly took too much of the awareness. And he followed me into the woods when he shouldn't have, just because he wanted to be next to me. And now here we are, in a hostile world, neither very prepared. So where does that leave room for anything else in my life? Can I just take off and disappear, become someone invisible/completely new, appearing and disappearing within corners of the universe, continually reinventing myself and experiencing and re-experiencing different people, facets and paths of life? Is this true way of the artist, to become a shadow, to have lived a million lives within one lifetime, so that there is actual Truth to relay back to those who are stationary? This is where my heart is.

They say whatever you do, just commit to it. Is my overwhelming sense of responsibility holding me back, or is it just an excuse to mask a fear of being alone with myself in a world that has no clear, singular answer, where safe passage is never promised?