One of the things I like is that you're really smart. I am someone who always cared about you. I don't know why.

Here's the problem. You don't like people who are dependent. So you're afraid of people, but you are also afraid to be okay with your desire to be alone. You said that some people think you're shy and you said that you're just quiet sometimes, not shy. I asked you if you were outgoing, and you said at times, and you danced around it a little bit. I think you're not shy in that you're not afraid of people. You are just reserved because you don't want people to get too close.

The funniest thing was the conversation about lab babies. Where the hell did that come from? And were you morally opposed to raising lab babies? And you asked me where I would even get a lab baby. I don't know. Where the hell do people go to get lab babies?

Karaoke. No. Never. Not me. But we'll see if you can teach me how to let go.

I think after we talk, I'll review the conversation and think, what the hell were we talking about?

you think too much and you confuse yourself. who knows what it is. it could also be something very dangerous. my friend knows. she says it's a dark tunnel i go down. is there a chance there is healing at the end of this tunnel?

do you know why i don't like burning discs of music for people? it's like, if someone i knew told me they were interested in learning from the bible, and i gave them photocopies from it.

something very interesting about you. you're very scared of me, but you've also got this incredible courage to get close to me. most men are afraid to get close to me. that makes me very scared of you.

i'm afraid to get close to you. i'm also afraid not to get close to you. i have a feeling that we are both stronger than we lead people to believe. don't let the weakness of others make you fearful of showing your greatness.

i understand how i process the world now. i am so separated from the inner part of me, that i rely on others to provide me close connections to help me interpret my inner messages and clues. but then what happened was that other people around me started transforming, too.

on april 23rd, i sensed that a big connection was coming. i put it out as much to the universe, as i felt the force of something important on its way. the moment i knew in my heart that i had severed a connection, another one comes in. We're just vibrating at the same frequency right now. don't look at this as a regular relationship. this is something completely off the radar.

you'll have to excuse my behavior lately. i'm kind of overwhelming myself at this time. i read this stuff and i get scared about where it comes from.

these forces are always disruptive.

do you know why chinese women value soft hands? because it's the sign of someone who is sensitive and submissive.

it's all code. everything that people say and do, it's all a code, a secret language you can learn to pick up if you listen carefully. are you kidding? you all act like i'm the one who's different when you can all do it, you're just scared. the cussing? i don't know. i like to do it because it helps me express my passion. otherwise, i would be jumping around trying to shake people.

he is more dangerous to you. he warned you today. there is a big barrier. you are dangerous to me so i can show this to you, but you have to promise not to try to hurt me.

you know why i'm so happy lately? because i was faced with making the biggest mistake of my life, and i chose to take care of myself despite what anyone else felt or said. it's because i survived.

your issues can drown you. you have to show that you have the will to survive. once you prove that to yourself, it's a resurrection. all of us who live drowning below the surface...just try.

your problem, and you will see, is that i'm an independent spirit that you can't hang on to. i can play either role. i can need you more or i can need your less. but at some point, wouldn't we all like some balance?

do you have faith in that such a thing as balance really exists?

by the way, our issues make us repellent of one another. that's what's so intriguing. we are both not comfortable having people get too close to us. i have a feeling being around me is as scary for you as being around you is for me. but maybe people in this life are willing to find out despite the fear.

he spent his lifetime building long, meticulously constructed wooden fences to protect the most beautiful, pristine house anyone had ever seen, had anyone known about its existence. after years and years of brutal work and toil in places so far away, when he returned from his fence-building to the beautiful house he had devoted a lifetime to protecting, he found the lights off and an empty aura in the yard. he was suddenly struck by terror-- what if there was no longer anything beautiful left in the house at all?

Sometimes, things just happen. Sometimes, you don't understand them, but you know that it's important. Sometimes you get scared. Sometimes everything in your body hurts. Sometimes the echoes are lonely. Sometimes the ache of that loneliness is the only thing that reminds you that you are alive. Sometimes you love so much it hurts. And the people that you give yourself to never understand the value of this sacrafice.

Sometimes you realize what really hurts is how little you understand yourself. So you spend your life searching for a glimpse of who you are in the eyes of others.

Sometimes I get scared. Sometimes I get scared when people get too close to me. Sometimes it hurts so much, that my hands hurt those who come too close. Razor hands. You'll always find the ones who are just like you.

This is my inaugural post since I switched my blog over to a more private location. It got scary for a while...my not feeling like I could say anything honest because I was scared that it would affect my non-blogging life...my friendships, my relationships. And now, freedom. This has been one of the best weeks of my life, knowing that I have done things, the right things, that were in my best interest.

I was in a great relationship for two years, and I think the bottom line was that I was in a relationship with a wonderful person, my best friend and someone whom I hope to be close friends with for the rest of my life, but it wasn't the right relationship for me. I didn't feel that passion for the person as a partner and a lover, and it was something that ate at me all the time, the guilt that I just couldn't find it in me to want that person in that way. It hurt his self-esteem as well, that I may not be attracted to him or appreciate his looks when in truth, he was a beautiful man. But I there was a part of our connection that wasn't there.

I think I always knew. It's not like things had suddenly changed and I was suddenly wondering why I had lost the feeling. I think I wanted to create that feeling, but after a while, I could either deny the fact it wasn't there, or face it to be fair to both of us.

Sometimes I would get scared because I knew that he would be an amazing partner and husband to someone else, and I didn't know why he couldn't be that for me. I think I was being selfish by being afraid to give him up. But ultimately, I didn't make him happy, no matter how much he thought so. I think we made each other happy in many ways, but so sad in others. I love him and hope that his dreams come true.

I remember the day, when I woke up and I knew it was the right decision. I had locked him out of our room and ignored his knocks to come in because I wanted to be alone. I had bought a brand new journal, a clean journal, and I started to write in stream of consciousness. Sometimes this is the easiest way for me to communicate with myself...I let myself flow and then as I read what I write, I start to understand. Because if I'm flowing well, what I write is the truth.

Watching a relationship fall apart is like falling in slow motion. You know it's happening but you try not to pay attention or admit it, as if that will make the pain of the fall less real. Why do people stay, then? Fear. They are afraid to let go of a collective past. More so than fear of the unknown? You are always going to be afraid to let go of anything you know to be safe. Because once you realize what safe is, you realize how much is not safe in this world. You can spend a lifetime collecting things, or you can spend a lifetime collecting ideas. Both can be equally worthless. There is a lot of pain in this world; it's like we brought it with us when we showed up. I'm looking for a master. There is something that is bothering me and I don't know what it is. You are not being able to convincingly argue things because you aren't talking about the core issue. The core issue is that you are not happy. YOU ARE NOT HAPPY. You can dance around it, slice and dice it, try to give it different names and reasons, but the face does not change. Could you be happier somewhere else? Without certain things in your life? Problem solve. Physical pain is hard for you psychologically. On the other hand, physical pain can also be a symptom of psychological pain. Your body is getting stronger. Your mind is getting stronger. Your psyche is getting more active. You are starting to get deep into the lights and the darks. We have to live equally in the light and the dark. That's a fact. That is something that can't be changed, only denied or deferred. I am tired of not having my own domain, tired of taking care of someone else. I am selfish now. I no longer want anyting to do with what is altruistic or kind. I only want self-survival which involves finding out what is important to me, no matter how noble or disgusting. I want my own space, to not be invaded in my own space. This is mine. I want for no one to tell me what to do anymore. I want to be an island unto myself, and choose the diplomatic terms with which I will operate. Big cities bring city problems. The psyche gets wounded in different ways out here. You have to figure out what you want to do and the master will appear. Master. Peer. I would like either. I need someone to talk to. I understand that I have to be ready, so I will try to process my thoughts so that my though process is less inhibited. I would also like more mental courage.

He came into the room, unlocking the door from the outside. I became very angry, though I never looked up from my journal or stopped writing.

I would like for my personal space to not be invaded. I get very angry when I can't have my own safe place. I am angry right now because you think you have a right to my space. This is a betrayal to me. This is something that will make me look at you as though you are the enemy. Right now, my space is threatened and I am not looking at it happily. If you do not leave, I will force you out. I think it's over. I really think it's over. I just can't live a lie anymore. I don't even know what the lie is, I just don't feel like this is truthful. You want to be angry at me, be angry. Let him be angry. And sad. And hurt. You will be as well. Let him feel all the things he needs to feel. And then let him go. It is up to the stronger person to say that this is not it. Do you ever feel like there are two people inside of you, someone who is young and learning, and someone who is old and wise, but can't remember? When the younger one hurts, the older one leads. When the older one hurts, the entire system goes into dispair. When my older one hurts, I need a master. I need someone from the universe to answer questions. Truthfully, I always had to answer them myself or wait until I forget my questions. I never really got an answer back.

When I woke up the next morning, I knew. I felt free, because I knew that I knew what was right, and I knew that I had the courage to make the right decision. I went to work to mail some bills and then to Starbuck's to write, and I just felt lighter. I was scared though, because there was still a part of me that was scared that I was making the wrong decision, that maybe this was an act of self-sabotage. It didn't feel like it though. It felt different. I re-read what I had written the night before, and I felt confident. I wanted to tell someone though, to hear this decision outside of my head. So I called Sareet, and as I was leaving a message for her, a man that had once been significant but whom I had forgotten walked into the restaurant next door.

Who is he? I don't know. I know who he is, but I don't know who he is to me. All I know is that in the two years of my committed relationship in which I would have done anything for it to work out, there was only one person that I was attracted to, so much so that I had to leave treatment with him in order for me to give my best effort to work out my relationship. He always intrigued me...the hands of a healer, but some kind of block that prevented his hands from being connected to his heart. I used to watch him, wonder where he was because sometimes he was there, and sometimes he was so far away. There was something very warm and soothing about his energy though. I think my boyfriend picked up on it because he started showing up to my sessions. I had to leave. I believe I spun a very convoluted, slightly angry story about why I was leaving. It was a very difficult time, emotionally.

So of all days, after having not seen him in over a year, he shows up. As he ate inside, I contemplated if I would say anything. I watched him leave and I struggled, and a part of me yelled his name. I went to shake his hand and to my surprise, he gave me a hug. We talked and I was relieved when I asked him if he wanted to sit down and he did. We talked for a few hours and it was good. He asked when I was usually there, and I was glad that it meant that he might want to see me again.

What does this mean? I don't know. My life has always operated by fate and coincidence, so maybe this is a moment of comfort and companionship, a rest stop... maybe this is another soul connection that will lead me to the next step of my journey, and hopefully him to his next step.

All I know is that it is a wonderful feeling, because my creativity is back, and I'm excited about what is around the corner for me. I have been praying for a deeper soul who has courage and can help me with some understanding.

I showed him the safe place that I had created, the condo I had remodeled. He said if his circumstances were different, he could see himself living in a place like this. That made me feel good because it means he feels safe there. He's very guarded in some sense because he has experienced a lot of hurt in his life. The color black seems to have significance to him. Sometimes I want to hug him and put my head on his shoulder.

I had a dream last night where we were taking a walk, and I felt safe with him. So I asked him if I could hold his hand. He said yes and it was a beautiful feeling. I gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead, and in all, I was very content and peaceful. It was a great dream, the kind that made me feel good when I woke up.

Who knows, because a lot can interfere with a core connection--environment, circumstances, ego incompatibility, etc. But for now, it feels really good to have him in my life again.

Interview with me at Game 3 of Warriors/Jazz series:

http://www.ktvu.com/video/13307891/index.html?source=

Greatest dunk I've ever witnessed

Never make a decision out of fear, for in that case it will be the wrong choice.