From 9 Signs of a Cheater. So I never forget.7. He's Being Caught in Lies About Other Things
woken up the last 3 days to find myself spooning a cat.
i am, of course, the big spoon.
getting used to sleeping alone. probably realizing how much more together my life has been than i've ever been able to give myself credit for, but i have a lot more going for me than most people and i have to stop messing around with weak people because i'm hiding from my own strength and potential.
there are a lot of things and people and bad habits i haven't got time for anymore. i find that i'm still a pretty nice person, but i just don't have time for bullshit anymore. i don't want to fix anyone's life, and i don't need anyone messing around in mine. everyone should be accountable for themselves...that's just the way it should be. everything else, ie human connection and companionship, is just the icing.
i recognize i'm missing my partner. i realized the agenda i made a couple of years ago for the year of fearless living, it helped a lot in that life gave me exactly what i put on that list, even if it came in the form of challenges which i actually asked for. so it's all good. but seeing the power of lists to help me focus, these are what i want in a partner:
1. a strong man. not a hard man. a strong man who is integrated and self-aware so that he knows when to be strong and when to be vulnerable. it takes a lot of inner strength to be vulnerable. so many men who are actually weak inside confuse being hard with being strong. i meet a lot of guys like this because they tend to like strong women, but then they can't handle them, can't really be with them. i need a truly strong man.
2. a man with big dreams and the ability to make them a reality. many have dreams, few have follow through. it's easy to be given something and make more of it. it's harder to take nothing--a thought, an idea, a desire--and make it into a reality. i'm one of those people who can. i need someone else who can as well. no more big talkers. only doers.
3. a man with a big heart filled with warmth, compassion, humor and kindness. yes, i know i tend to think of leos as boring, but leo energy is quite expansive and uplifting. it's the best part of me, and it should be the best part of him. that energy that makes those around him better.
4. warm expressive eyes, a million watt smile. dark hair, dark eyes. it's just what feels like home.
5. a man who's happy to see me shine. a man who is confident enough in himself that he can be happy for me and my own successes, just as i will be happy for him and his successes. someone who wants me to be me at my best, at my most charismatic and energetic, and is proud. a man who never limits me with his own insecurities.
6. a man with pride in who he is and what he represents. a man of honor and integrity and dignity, who knows that a partnership is built upon a foundation of two whole and strong people to create something even bigger. someone who sees that anything is possible if you believe.
7. honesty. he will be honest, both with himself and with those close to him. he will know that sometimes life presents us with choices, and he'll be a man who respects himself and respects me enough to always stick to honesty and integrity, even if it's hard and even if it means facing things that are difficult to face. trust and honesty are the two basic tenets of a healthy relationship. my man will respect that and see this is a core necessity. he'll be strong enough to face difficult situations and still be open and honest. he'll trust me as a partner and treat me as his partner. this will show that he's worthy of trust.
8. a man who can see the short term and the long term, and whose vision includes both himself and others.
9. a man who's emotionally, mentally and spiritually mature. a man who knows what it means to be up in life and down in life and knows that nothing is guaranteed. and that so many things in life of value need to be worked for, so he's not afraid to work hard, and respect those around him because life is complicated and people are complicated but at the end of the day, it's reality. you make the most of what you've got, and you have to create or cocreate your success in life, including relationships.
10. a man who is relationship oriented. all of human interaction is in the relationship. if you respect relationships, you respect other people, you'll respect your own relationship with yourself. relationships are built and nurtured. no way around it.
11. a man who is family oriented. a man who strives for success and financial freedom and stability, but who also understands the importance of family. i have an amazing, warm, supportive family. a family of strong personalities yes, but a family with lots of love and protective kinship. i want my partner to have a strong, loving family background as well so he knows the meaning of acceptance and love.
12. he must be passionate about me. because i will be passionate about him. he must know that i am the only one for him, because he will be the only one for me. the relationship will be mutually committed because there's no desire for anything else. it will be incredibly sexually compatible and emotionally safe. we will bring out the best in each other.
13. he will love me as much as i love him. that's a lot of love and it will benefit and positively change even those around us.
14. he will want to get to know me and want me to get to know him on the deepest of levels.
15. preferably, he will be more of a night owl than an early riser.
16. he's an inherently happy, optimistic person. nothing is scarier than a deeply unhappy person. we all have our ups and downs but people who are deeply unhappy...it's almost a character flaw. these people have no desire to become happier and will turn down or rebuke any attempt from others to help them find happiness. deeply unhappy people prefer to stay unhappy. they dig bottomless holes. they're quite dangerous to anyone who wants to live a happy, fulfilling life. i need someone who is a happy person, because it's inherently happy and optimistic people who are able to be strong and keep their heads above water in times when life gets really difficult.
17. he must be a man. so many men don't seem to understand what a man is. it is not being hard. it's not going through the motions. it's not saying what you would like to do or how you would like to be seen, but having no substance with which to back it up. being a man is about taking responsibility for yourself first and foremost, about knowing when to be strong and when to be gentle. about knowing that when life is difficult, you don't run away. about knowing that if you love someone, you should treat them as such. being a man means being composed of the highest moral fiber, and knowing when to admit a mistake and when to forgive yourself or others. being a man means knowing you're human, but still wanting to be the best person you can be and doing right by yourself and others. i really don't have time for anyone unless they're a man, first and foremost. all the boys in the world have used up my patience.
18. he is someone i can look at every day and know that he is the one. he is the one who is the answer to my question and to which i am the answer to his question. he's the one i've been looking for, and i'm the one he's been looking for. i've almost got myself in the right position. and when i do, he will find me and he'll already know, and the way i'll know is that he's going to ask the right questions.
it's so weird that sarah was my good friend when we were in junior high and freshman year of high school before moving to florida. in a way, my teen life went downhill after that in ways she always finds shocking, but she always said that girls from our school were really mean.
Lonesome tears
I can't cry them anymore
I can't think of what they're for
Oh they ruin me every time
But I'll try
To leave behind some days
These tears just can't erase
I don't need them anymore
How could this love
Ever turning
Never turn its eye on me
How could this love
Ever changing
Never change the way I feel
Lazy sun
Your eyes catch the light
With promises that might
Come true for a while
Oh I'll ride
Farther than I should
Harder than I could
Just to meet you there
How could this love
Ever turning
Never turn its eye on me
How could this love
Ever changing
Never change the way I feel
i can't decide if i want the warriors to tank or go for some semblance of dignity. there are only two players in the draft i want and i just don't feel like that stuff is ever the warriors' destiny. but it would be damn cool if one way or the other, we got someone new who's a real winner.
and this whole vince-carter-saw-the-whole-plane-crash news story.
he was looking out of the window in his pad overlooking the hudson and saw the entire plane crash. he comments, "i thought i was watching tv."
my question to vince:
exactly how BIG is your tv?!?
why can't we just do whatever it takes just to be content? why do we always have to fulfill all of our potential? haven't i already fulfilled my potential of being a good person? that should honestly be enough. yes, i understand i'm good at anything i put my mind to. the rest should be up to me to put my mind to whatever makes me content because i'm going to make sure it doesn't hurt anyone. everyone who loves me should really just be happy for me that i'm happy being me. be kind, be helpful, but let me be me. and i promise i won't forget you and will come back when you need me.
Why do we connect with one person and not another? Why are the things that are most important, the truth behind the great mysteries, bigger than our minds and hearts can handle, but too small for our fingers to grasp?
On a day like this, I can look out into the sky and feel you echoing back. I know to me, you are my other, but to the world, you are me. The interpretation is that I’m searching for me, but who can tell if one person’s projection is unique to themselves and not real if seeing through people to connect to you, I manage to pick up things that are real and tangible and healing to them.
I want to know you because I’ve had so many people try to tell me what I am that I just want someone who sees me and understands me and can appreciate the value of what I give. This is home. I want you to see me and be honest so I can see myself, so I can get my bearings, maximize myself, feel the expansion of myself but know what belongs to me. Nothing matters to me but the truth.
Yet somewhere in this search, somewhere in the tension of chasing a polarity that may or may not exist, something powerful comes out. If anyone takes the time to look, they can see it. There is evidence of something greater everywhere. Our thoughts and dreams, our hopes and wishes, our anxieties and fears, we all make choices both in what we take in and what we put out that affects the world around us. Each point of consciousness is a universe unto himself and within the outer world, its reflection.
Sometimes people want me to love them in such a specific way that they manage to turn what's unconditional into what's conditional. People can always sense that I have something, and while I share quite a bit, there’s a part that I’m saving, because that belongs to myself and my life partner. Personally, I feel that is my right and choice. Sometimes people want me to consistently see them the way I look at them even if their actions aren't harmonious with it, because what I can see is a powerful, positive, beautiful image of their selves which includes their flawed, fallible humanness, and if I’m seeing it and reflecting it, it validates that there is great beauty and value within them. But they want me to see them this way all the time, giving me great responsibility to uphold an ideal of another person, even though I know it's most important that a person comes to accept their own beauty and potential and their place in reality, and comes to terms that part of being beautiful is being human. And sometimes, I see a person's path to their highest potential, a potential where they are free from self undoing, which can be reached with faith and courage but requires conscious work. While many will help a person strive towards the positive, no one can ultimately give you your freedom but yourself. It takes fearlessness, compassion, forgiveness and love. And sometimes, these are the hardest things for a person to turn inwards.
Some of the things people want from me can not be sustained because obviously, I am human. Unconditional positive regard, positive and warm human bonds, these are not only sustainable in our reality, but these are our lifelines that nourish us and replenish us. But a vision of an ideal…this is a glimpse of a far off place that’s possible, but does not yet exist. To believe in this ideal is inspirational, but to get so desperately lost in this ideal that you forget to embark on your journey towards it, is tragic. Even the idea of ideal love is illusory, as beautiful and grand and inspirational as it is, because the need for love is the hunger that pushes you to seek, but it is the truth of each person's acceptance of themselves and their world, the truth of open-hearted kindness and reciprocity, the truth that one must value oneself and must give thanks to oneself first before one can accept it from others, the truth of human warmth conveyed through companionship and mutual growth amidst life’s rhythms and cycles that creates attainable beauty, beauty that is in this world, not of this world. Love is my passion, my life's work, my life's blood, my favorite gift. But beyond that are connections. Separate universes can not intersect except in the shadow play of symbols. And aren’t we all in human form just condensed symbols representing entire universes? Our projections and perceptions the interpretations of our infinite beings?
I have a lot of unconditional love to give to people who believe they deserve it. I have a lot to give even to people who deep down believe they don't, but it's not sustainable until they can find a place where they believe they do and can accept it. I have a well that is always refilling because of the connections I've made and the love given to me by those around me. I tend to let spiritually wounded people in because they are the ones most in need of faith and love. I want people to be people, not shadows and ghosts made up of a series of reactions to their past and their wounds and their fear, their bitterness, their disappointments, their anger, but flesh and blood beings who are here and present and connected...seeing, feeling, experiencing, believing with their full, infinite selves. I love David, despite his rejection of parts of himself and his past, summoning more energy than I'd ever given to another to try to push him out of his corner, to be open and vulnerable to him so he could trust me. What I wanted most was for him to step out of his cage and embrace himself, for his own integration and empowerment as much as so I could see who he is. Every day he looked more and more like himself and every day his light shined brighter from a place so deep within him. And I saw, a beautiful man give me everything he could so the love could go full circle. But I couldn't keep maintaining my belief because his pain would cause him to cut me so deep, draining my own life force quicker than I could replenish it and keep it clean. I loved him fiercely, like I believed I could melt his pain, that my fire could burn so brightly that he could never believe in darkness again. But at the end of the day, that pain was his, and to try to take it away was like trying to cut out a piece of his flesh that had become a part of what he knew of himself. He always felt like I was hurting him, attacking him, and he would have to defend himself. It was this way that I learned it was for me to support but not for me to struggle, that each person must still stand up on their own if they are going to reclaim themselves and find their own path towards peace, and no one can do this for you even if they have the best of intentions. I am committed to work within myself to be the change in the world I want to see, but I also want the world to uphold its bargain and be the change it wants to see in me. But sadly, sometimes I feel people have always let me down by putting their energy into attaching to me and wanting me to support them, or attacking me for what I'm not giving them or because my singlemindedness is threatening to them, rather than by completing and integrating themselves to make themselves stronger which would in effect, keep me happily in orbit with them. The thing is, I care more than people are always willing to appreciate. People don't know that I think about people who have come into my life all the time and hope that they are finding their peace. I may not want to be close if I feel like it hinders more than helps, but I'm always believing and hoping. I do get sad sometimes. Sometimes I fear if maybe the beauty and hope i see inside people doesn't mean anything if no one really believes. That makes me feel truly alone.
I don’t like to make promises that I can not keep. And one thing I want to be able to promise, is that how I see my partner next to me, his highest potential as a flawed, fallible human being like the rest of us, is more or less where he is. With this person, I will be able to promise that I will always be able to look at him the way I do, because as with how I see most people, it really doesn’t matter that he’s human, capable of human folly, weakness, insecurities, vulnerabilities, emotions. This means he's normal. It's because despite that, he is doing his best to integrate himself and make the most of himself, to challenge life and the potentially crippling fear it generates and still find beauty, to still find the capacity to fearlessly love and to love completely and fiercely…who stands up and forgives, both others and himself, and who does not let the strength of his vision die. What matters is he is who he is because he also believes, and because he believes, he can see me and appreciate me. This is the only person I can make this promise to, because I know I will be able to. This person is the question to which I am the answer, and with whom, I am the question to which he is the answer. This is the person who will understand when I tell him everything and he tells me everything and together, we unravel the mysteries by uncovering the light.
I've always been someone who aims at what others find ridiculous or impossible but sometimes, I come back with it. I've been told this inspires others. The one thing that has always been missing is my other, and it is the only thing I have ever really care about. In low moments, I question myself and the reality of what I seek, but the only truth I can feel to be all-encompassing, is that giving up is not an alternative. I can keep occupied but I can not fully rest in life until I've found my equal, and if the idea of my other half is the carrot that some greater power is using to keep me doing what I do, then I really don't have a choice but to continue because I want it. All I know about the other is that I'll know him when he asks the right questions.
have you ever had something you were so afraid of losing? i get scared sometimes but then i remember that everything i've ever cared about i've lost before, and then i just kind of have to accept that that's the way it is and there are always new things that come along to care about. sometimes i wish that i could keep something...that something could actually be mine.
on the first
of october i will mail
you what’s left of me after you
walked out six years to the day some
hair a few teeth the ashes of pictures long since deceased
and a whole lot of grievances
that don’t come cheap that i’ve
collected for you into something
familiar like a sixty pound
(leadhearted)
rubber band ball
existence
("right now is everything," "later on will also be everything," though "later on," quantatively should equal more than everything if it were interpreted in a linear model. There are inconsistencies in our current model of the time/space relationship. How is it that one thing can move while the other stays the same and they still have a consistent relationship?)
organizing old files on my computer and logging them. how weird it is that i have to research my own files because they seem so foreign to me, i'm not sure if i wrote them. He looked down at her smiling, the same girl he had smiled at for months on end.
from 2/4/05. that has to be around the time i got my life straight.
Today's theme seemed to be evolution. How we move forward not just as a group, but as individuals. I realized today that we don't walk a straight line through life; every choice opens up potential futures, entire outlined stories suddenly willed into existence with the potential to be lived out. It's our free will that conjures up those short walkways, willing them into existence, millions and millions attaching end to end to form the fluid grid that is, your life. But it's destiny that pulls you through the walkway until you reach another choice with another potential set of futures that you can bring to life depending on how you choose to react and what you choose to do. So we just have to be conscious in each and every choice we make in our short time on earth, what it is we are really choosing and why we are choosing it.
The greatest disservice mass advertising ever did to us was convince us that everyone feels the same way in the light of day, but no one else ever has to face their shadows at night.
Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Express yourself, don't repress yourself
Express yourself, don't repress yourself
You wouldn't let me say the words I longed to say
You didn't want to see life through my eyes
You tried to shove me back inside your narrow room
And silence me with bitterness and lies
Did I say something wrong?
Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about sex
[I musta been crazy]
Did I stay too long?
Oops, I didn't know I couldn't speak my mind
[What was I thinking]
You punished me for telling you my fantasies
I'm breakin' all the rules I didn't make
You took my words and made a trap for silly fools
You held me down and tried to make me break
Did I say something true?
Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about sex
[I musta been crazy]
Did I have a point of view?
Oops, I didn't know I couldn't talk about you
[What was I thinking]
And I'm not sorry [I'm not apologizing]
It's human nature [Would it sound better if I were a man?]
And I'm not sorry [You're the one with the problem]
I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me [Why don't you just deal with it]
And I'm not sorry [Would you like me better if I was?]
th-th- that that don't kill me
can only make me stronger
i need you to hurry up now
cuz i can't wait much longer
i know i got to leave right now
cuz i can't get much stronger
man i've been waitin' all night now
that's how long i been on ya
i had a really good day. the housekeeper from downstairs told me she loved me. i think it's because i'm always nice to her and happy to see her. that made me happy.
time to get to work. i saw the circle. i'm about to fly.
I feel the new beginning. I have faith in the guy I met yesterday. I think we will work well together. I'm coming to terms with a lot of things. i know i'm an amazing person who needs an amazing person. i know i am capable of fearlessness. i know that i have a nose for the truth. i know that i have a need for truth. i know that i have a lot of love and passion to give, the real, unadulterated stuff, and i share it with people, but the highest level of it i only want to give to the person i'm holding it for. i came into this life committed. the question i'm seeking to answer is, to whom. i have to be true to myself. i have to stop hurting myself when people let me down. i have to stop being so angry with myself for getting myself into situations that are disappointing or frustrating. i have to not take things personally and know that people are doing their best, but not lose focus on my path. i have to appreciate everything and everyone i encounter who gives me support or offers me clues to keep me moving. it has always felt like i was born trying to remember something, trying to remember some secret i was born with, but there's someone i need to find who will understand what it is. i can't get distracted from the search. whatever pain i incur from human relationships only makes me emotionally richer. at the end of the day, i have to be faithful.
1/10/09
The banks are really in trouble. There's more advertising than ever urging us to invest, be it savings accounts, portfolios or life insurance. Across the street, I see a massive sign about there being no such thing as saver's remorse. I haven't seen it in daylight yet, but I can only assume it's an ING ad.
I stumbled upon Nick Bostrom. It was his Letter from Utopia I found, but am very interested in his other writing. I would really like to meet him. I realize how few people I really have interest in meeting. I only care about finding the one, and anyone who can give me clues as to who he is.
Why the one? Because he'll provide me the ultimate mirror. He'll provide me proof of oneness, the universe. Through him, I'll see it. Until I see it, I'll keep searching.
I love David. I love his being and soul greater than any other man. I think he's inherently a good person, in search of being a happy and whole person. The problem with life is the restraints that life can put on a person's soul as it's trying to come into this world. If they're worn for a long time, they can become integrated into who that person believes he is, whether or not it helps or hinders their pursuit of personal goals. Sometimes you interact with that persona and it feels empty or frustrating because you find yourself falling into its emotional traps as you try to get to know the person, but that's because you're getting to know a mask...it's the emotions controlling the person, the clothes wearing the man. And a bad set of clothes a person doesn't feel comfortable in can be prison. It can make him do and say things that come more out of pain or fear of pain than out of who he really is. Behind the things created by this world is a real person. Behind all the crap that life lays on us, the traumatic experiences, the pain of loss, the anxiety, the loneliness, the fear, is a person. That's the real beauty. Our true unadulterated selves as imperfect humans is the absolute truth in beauty. But how visibly that beauty radiates in the light of day really depends on if the person has the strength, clarity, self-respect and self-compassion to take off the things they don't like, and put on things that make them more comfortable to be their true selves. I have no doubt David will find himself. I actually think he's well on his way. He has every reason to believe in himself and his capabilities. A lot of times people will want someone's committed support before stepping forward to take charge and create their own success, but even if the other person's wants to give as much support as they can, they'll never really be able to give them enough to feel confident, to fill that fearful void that urges people not to take the leap. Sometimes, one of their life lessons is to learn that it's ultimately up to them to take responsibility for achieving their own goals with or without the support of others. To see that they can be competent and successful on their own, that when they believe in themselves and reach a goal, they inherently earn respect and trust from the people who matter to them. Reaching places of higher self-esteem also allows people to fully appreciate the support of those around them because they are seeing it from a place of higher self-esteem, not a place of need. From there, healthy relationships fall into place, because a person now believes in himself or herself, and there's no fear of taking things too personally or being too rooted in the protection of one's own ego because there's nothing to be afraid of. Because that person's projected energy is whole and comfortable with itself, it opens a portal which allows this person to achieve a comfortable level of intimacy and deeply connect with another person who's an entire universe unto herself. That is the best feeling in the world.
I've been working hard on everything's that's come out. I have an appt with a counselor who specializes in anger issues tomorrow, and an appt with a guy whose smile in his picture reminded me of Ethan. Lately I've been remembering Ethan a lot, how he was someone I could show myself to and ask for help knowing he would never take anything from me while I was vulnerable. It was unfortunate that my hiding something kept us from being closer, as probably my opening up to someone trustworthy and kind would have probably created an immense amount of healing for me at a time when I was really seeking it. In hindsight, I can see that I was too young at the time, too scared of other people and myself, but I honestly believe I'm in the position to try again. Strangely, this guy works on the same floor of the same building I used to work in. There are two therapists in that office who used to harass me a bit which turned me off of male counselors, but he didn't start there until after I worked there, so he doesn't know who I am. Either way, I'm going to unravel this until I come to a level of peace with it to be able to get back on my path.
I'm really going crazy not having a job. Am not desperate for money or security, just want to be kept busy while I come up with ideas of where I need to be next. I talked to Whitney about her temp agency because since I don't even know if I want to stay in LA or move to SF, I really don't want to be committed to work. I would rather see where I get sent, and who makes me the best offer.
I've been reading a lot. I have many thoughts about many things. I started a new notebook. I think a lot about secrets. I watched a comedy show and realized how I was uncomfortable because all the jokes were mean. I realized how much closer my heart has gotten to my sleeve.
Overall I'm really happy, happier than I've ever been. I've come to realize how rich my life is, how much love and support i have in my life, and I can now consciously and honestly appreciate it. It's like having asthma all of my life and suddenly being able to breathe without restrictions. I am sad about certain things but I feel like what happens is what was meant to happen and if I just watch it unfold and don't succumb to fear or the influence of others, I'll be very happy with what I find.
worked out at equinox with brian. it's actually a really clean gym but i don't like the layout. am interested in the demographic though. i also like the company of brian, that we can have something to do together. we're back on the same page.
i wonder if i only hang out with people i perceive as a twin. it's just the way i was born, where my eyes were looking when i first opened them. as long as i can feel we speak the same language and see the same things, i accept you as my own. it's just the way i am because i'm so focused on what i want to see. maybe what it is...i can either seek through you, or around you. my eyes never seem to focus or seem to focus too sharply. i'm on a quest. you're either the answer or not.
i need to meet more people. it was great watching tv with brian and being able to see things from a different perspective. everything was fresh and new and i could really see energies at work. i was especially able to appreciate energies i admired and enjoyed. i want to have fun with people. get to the root of their honest selves. give lots of hugs. get lots of hugs.
this is the first peaceful retrograde. i feel like the world from my perspective is being defragmented, and i can relax while the full picture reassembles. the energy is out there. now i'm just waiting for the results.
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
home!
relieved to be back to who i am.
am going through it all
reflecting
i don't want to eat for weeks.
am feeling existential
am feeling disconnected
am feeling burdened
am feeling focused
am trying to understand why we can't get it together everyone getting exactly what they want
am seeing many beautiful people and wanting spring to be a more hopeful time for everyone
am looking for recognition
am back to me
am ecstatic and peaceful.
i have good moments and bad moments each day.
in the good moments, i have great clarity even though it's sad. i know that i tried my best, my intentions were good, and there was great love there, but at the end of the day, what needs to happen will take time, desire on his part and a great deal of strength and faith to go to places that are daunting and will give him every reason to quit, and it's a process that i can only support from a distance because it's a journey into himself, his past and his future he will have to embark without me if something of true value and power is to be brought back. it's the journey of reintegration and with it, the prize of great wisdom, wholeness, magic and peace. it is hard for me because i know there's nothing else i can do anymore but wait and see. the things that give me strength are that i know others who have gone into the fear to reclaim themselves and have come back safely, changed and whole with the treasure of greater confidence and peace. my brother. my father. i saw them come through the door.
in quiet moments, i pray to god to give him the strength to do what his heart sees, the faith to believe in himself and his path, and the clarity to know that the obstacles must appear insurmountable and devastating to test how much he wants what he thinks he wants and how much he's willing to trust and believe. impossible is illusion created by the reign of fear. but sadly, sometimes fear is introduced to our lives so early on, that it feels like death to imagine losing the only companion one has always had in the darkest, loneliest of nights. sometimes fear is the only thing a person knows, a shadow so loyal that it attacks even those who come with light. but clear eyes and full hearts can not lose, fighting their way through darkness.
throughout my life, i've dropped many sets of keys into the ocean feeling that if i were to ever find them again, somehow by their mysterious journey through the unknown they would suddenly be capable of opening the right doors. i've also known that to believe this is possible, would require a belief in miracles. staring at murky water and an impossible infinity contained only by the sound of something deep inside myself crumbling, i think of miracles. not just the talk and promises of miracles. but the possibility of a true miracle that i can see and feel and know without a doubt.
it's been a very hard couple of days.
the very hardest thing for me for me to swallow, is that despite the best efforts and the purest of intentions from both david and i, this relationship seemed to bring out the worst in us and we couldn't seem to stop it. it brought out a level of frustration out of me that made me unrecognizable to myself. mentally and emotionally, it pushed me to places i wouldn't have believed could exist beforehand but in the end, it is my greatest fear and shame that perhaps i just wasn't strong enough to withstand this level of stress, and as a result, it may have undone or prevented the healing of old wounds that i wanted for him, wanted so badly for him so that he could finally be free. it makes me feel so ashamed of myself. so defeated. so sad and desperate. i find myself crying a lot. sometimes i don't know what to believe anymore. sometimes all i can feel is this sour heaviness filling my chest like poison working its way through me, and in those moments when it's close to the surface, i succumb to such a painful awareness of time, of time's unidirectional current that makes it so coldly indifferent to human hopes and dreams, that i feel washed under, dragged along rocks forming a million jagged edges.
it has really been really painful to face in the last few days. i feel like i've forgotten how to believe.
everyone has weakness. if you think of a person as a full circle, like a single drop of water on a counter, there's an infinite space within them just as their is an equally infinite space without them. throughout life, forces from the outside will put pressure on the boundaries between this inner and outer world, just as forces from the inside will put pressure on this boundary as they exert themselves or react to mirrors within the outer world.
so much about life and about wisdom, knowledge, strength is about knowing about your specific boundaries, both where they lay and what they entail, and having the ability and discipline to control the flow of energy and entities through this boundaries.
this boundary that encompasses you, your you-ness, has weakpoints. this is the very nature of being human. every person's weakpoints will differ. the empowerment is understanding your personal weaknesses, places in your boundaries that are more a reactive force due to preprogramming of the past rather than a conscious entity, and functioning at your highest potential despite these weaknesses. it's this achievement, this acceptance and realization, that allows you to accept your humanness, and from this place, come from your positive power and strength because you know exactly who and what you are.
my strength and my weakness is my passion...my energy. i have more energy than the average person that can be used for positive transformation, but can also become nervous irritation or outright destruction if it's not properly outletted. i know that when i want something, i can put a great deal of energy, and even when transformational change within the environment, another person or myself does not seem possible, it is this energetic passion in me that defeats the odds and makes it possible. a friend of mine once said that the thing about me is that everyone watches me chase what doesn't seem possible or realistic. but then the craziest thing is that sometimes i come back with it and it inspires people to wonder if there's really more to life.
i also recognize this as my weakness. this energy can just as easily become destructive without a positive outlet, and can hurt other people. often, not wanting to turn it outwardly, i take it inward and hurt myself. this energy can reach impossible heights, but if i can't get it out, it can subvert into something so kinetic that i have no control over it. in fact, sometimes i'm afraid of it. that's why i'm always fervent about getting it out in the most positive manner possible. sometimes i worry it may one day literally kill me if i get trapped with it in the wrong situation.
with an understanding of myself, i've always done my best to keep myself in situations where i can succeed, to avoid situations that can turn my unique strength into a negative. but my weakness has always been other people, my love for other people, my need to help other people whether or not they really want my help or can accept my help.
i feel i have made a grave mistake and for this i am having a hard time dealing with it. i've been trying to give it to someone for months now who didn't want to or couldn't accept it, and it put both of us in an ugly volatile situation. i never want to go back to that place. even if it means giving up something i treasured dearly, i will never allow myself to be caught in that place again.
the situation itself was a near impossible one. it's not crazy to want to change someone for positive benefit, but it is crazy to want to change them if they don't want to or can't. my parents sat me down and had a long talk with me about kindness and compassion. having good intentions is a noble thing, but pushing someone towards something if they don't want it or can't do it is borderline cruel, even if your intentions are completely pure and unselfish. i've spent the last few days contemplating how it is that i didn't see it. i guess i wanted it so bad, i wanted to give him what he wanted so badly and could see how close he was to getting it if he could see things from the right perspective, that i lost who i am. my inherent kindness and compassion turned to cruelty. and that makes me so sad.
i sat in a situation for much too long, letting the stress and frustration get to me. i really did have the best of intentions, and it didn't make logical sense that we could be so close but so far, that we could be two chemicals that wanted to mix but couldn't believe how we were inherently combustible. but even though what i was pushing for was not selfish, it was something that was what we both wanted, i was driven to places where the energy became dangerous and because i couldn't give it away positively in the way i wanted, so it turned on me and swallowed me and those i loved with it. now i feel so terrible because i know i did these things and i can't take them back. i can't undo them. i can't say they weren't me, even though i know they aren't who i really am but in a way, what the situation and stress brought out in me. yet i have to accept that i, I, did them, and that knowledge brings me to my knees because these are still my hands, and this is still my heart and i don't know how we got to this place. because all the good i set out to do with david, all the good i had done, i'm terrified that i've destroyed it all. i've played into his self-fulfilling prophecy and fear that people can't be trusted, regardless of how my own trust was wounded, and i've become another dark figure when it's not what i wanted. when i did try so hard, i fought for it so hard, i wanted it for him so badly, to be able to open up and see the world, see that it's so much bigger than the fear and the hurt and the mistrust, but i let my own wound of mistrust bring me down. and i let us down.
i'm ashamed that i've failed myself and those who believed in me for having lost control and not being true to myself and my boundaries, for actions that were not of me and the things i stand for, but of a shadow me that was filled with pain, hurt, mistrust and resentment. i can only face myself and accept that, and try to find the road back to myself again. it's a hard pill to swallow but there's no question that i will swallow it because there's no other alternative. if nothing else, i need to always be able to look myself in the eye. at the end of the day, i know my intentions and i know that people will find there way with or without me towards happiness when they are ready and it's not for me to push, even if i want it for them sooner rather than later and feel they're so close. through all this sadness, i'll always have great love for the ones i love. in the meantime, i have to be responsible. i need to work on myself and rebuild myself, otherwise i'm no good for the world.
