i'm being patient. keeping an eye on the stream and only focusing on the ones that seem like the right ones. i'm staying conscious about not overextending or forcing.

that's what it's like to cry sometimes.

when you have to be a very strong person, when people are looking at you for what to do, you have to focus all that energy into your head, but your emotions go somewhere, carried by an underground river into somewhere deep. dark. afterwards, when you find a safe place, you cry like that, just release. it's almost masturbation, once it's gone, you can see things the way that's normal again, but you'll always remember those days when you cry as rainy days, whether or not they were.

what would it be like for me to just be myself? claim ownership over everything i own, feel that the things i've collected really belong to me. to believe in whatever i want to believe in, and not worry about how other people react. become...average. enjoy the mundane.

did you come here looking for me?

oh, you know that if you come around, i'll show you exactly who you think i am. the truth is i haven't changed. and i know all the masks you like best. but the stuff you're hating, the stuff that's shocking you because you don't own it...i didn't change. it's who i've always been. and you caught me before i'd recognized it.

you haven't seen me in a while. none of you have. i'll tell you what it's like in my world. my body's a machine. it's strong and it's cut. i could lose this focus any day now, but as it serves me now, it gets a lot of attention while holding my boundaries.

my heart is massive. you see, life is either really focused or it's really polarized. you either put your heart into one, focused thing, or you put your heart into everything, but in doing so, you love nothing specific.

i've never been good about taking disappointment. it's one of my deepest flaws. it's not because i want it to feel that way, but it's this sadness that rushes into me like water from the darkest corners. it breaks my heart, but because i can refocus, i abstract it. i put it into the realm of imagination, of theory, but in doing so, i have to let go of the thing that hurt me.

i've been very focused, but in a way i've never experienced before. i control my experiences and i meet a lot of people. i'm focused because in one world, i'm happy, and in another, i'm very sad. somehow, this produces an energy that people seem to be drawn to.

the flip:

the two sides of a coin. and its shadow.
so many people have so many questions and they search for answers. when they meet someone who's a mirror, the mirror takes on their questions and allow them to provide answers.

perhaps it's the shadow that is the mirror. perhaps these shadows are actual people.

i've always been so offended when people believe darkness is synonymous with evil and fear. some people use dark energy to do good. like the moon. sometimes it's not about doing good or bad as much as maintaing a balance of opposing forces. there's a truth to this energy. most people perceive their mothers as complex energies, light, dark or sometimes a combination--mothers are the ghosts that haunt a child within adulthood. it's a matter of understanding it and not being afraid. to gain or to lose. whichever is your greater fear.

the problem is i speak my own language when i'm myself. and because of this, i spend more time alone, having random experiences. but i've been pretty helpful lately.

everything. is everything.
the more i talk about it it, the less i do control.

significance. is in the connections between people.
home. is wherever you need it to be.

Life is 100% a storm. never let it fool you. but don't let it keep you from living.

oh, i'm missing poetry in my life. i'm missing so much poetry.

i don't want to carry any more secrets. i just want to find someone i trust to tell them all to. everything that i've been holding for everyone.

the best way to show you who you are, is to show you everything you're not.