Can I tell you how much I think about things? Today I went and dropped off my materials with my ex-boss George. I've been dragging my feet on it because I refuse to go back into that office and I'm just too lazy to go to the post office. So George, wanting his materials back, says he'll meet me downstairs and I can drop them off with him.

[neurotic indicator #1]

So I end up getting there early ane while sitting in my car waiting, I'm wondering why he asked me to meet downstairs...is it because he knows I won't go up there so he's being nice by coming down instead to make it easier for me? Or is it because he doesn't want me to go up there, worried that I'll go in and disrupt the workplace with my hair-pulling and eye-gouging? Or is it because he doesn't trust me to mail back my materials? Or maybe it's because he wants to make out with me and this is his last chance, which I would kind of dig because I kind of find him attractive. But that last thought weirds me out because...it's just weird (but hmmm...I can't stop thinking about it now...)

So George comes down and says, "You look...happy" as I get my materials out of my car. I tell him, "Yeah, but I really miss this job a lot." And I mean it. And I look up and he's talking, kind of rambling/mumbling something about it being a crazy week and everything is doing great, just great, and how they have a lot of great kids and great parents, in fact I talked to one today, and yeah...we have some great parents and great kids. Now I'm uncomfortable.

[neurotic indicator #2]
I wonder, what the hell was that????? Why's he getting all weird like this? All I said was that I missed the job and...what does that have to do with the company having great parents and kids and him in fact talking to one today? Is he agreeing that I should miss the job because they've got great parents and kids? Or is he saying, if you are telling me you miss this job because you want to come back, then I know you want that and fuck you because you can't have it back so I'll avoid the topic. (?) And now I notice that he's not really making eye contact and his eyes are red, and I'm wondering if he's under a lot of stress, really tired, or if his eyes are watering up the way Mike's used to when he would run into me. Which kind of makes me feel good as much as it scares me. Because I cry inside a lot when I think about leaving this job. Regardless, there's something about his eyes. Something about his eyes is haunted tonight. Maybe things aren't going so well for him, whatever that may be. I feel a twinge of concern.

So he asks me how my job is and I tell him it's okay, and can't really come up with an answer, but now I notice that when he's got me stumbling for the "appropriate answer," he can make eye contact because I'm busy avoiding eye contact. And that's the way I remember him. So I tell him that I like it, and that my boss and I sometimes butt heads. I felt weird for saying that, like, I may as well have said, car alarms are really sensitive because...where the hell did that come from? But I think I said it to let him know that in that place in my heart reserved for the love-you-like-my-favorite-mentor category, he's got that spot.

I offer to walk him to the front of the building. And he tells me about an instructor who needs to take a leave of absence for a while since his brother was just in a car accident. I ask him about this instructor, and when I asked him, "How's his brother doing?" He said that they had talked to him a few times and he said that it was pretty serious. But they didn't really want to pry.

[Neurotic Indicator #3]

This one is a mental aside. I started thinking, why wouldn't they ask? Okay, I know it's about respecting privacy. But is it because they don't want to get involved and get too close to this person? They don't want to make this relationship too personal? I would have asked. I would have asked some questions just in case the person needed to talk. And I would have extended the offer of let me know if there's anything I can do, and I would have meant it. Am I too engaged in other people's business? Do I need to butt out? Or am I blowing all of this out of proportion? But this hits a nerve because I always felt like there was this clique of all the people who worked in the office, and all the instructors were on the outside, and they were so elitist about us and couldn't even think of us as people. We were just people who came in to do our jobs, and that's it. They don't want to know about you as people. Fucking cliques. They really are so fucking elitist in that office. ANYWAY.

So George suddenly walks away and goes through the doorway, saying, "Well, if it's not one thing then it's another. Thanks for these." I'm kind of surprised and just say, "See you later, man" and turn. And leave. That was really abrupt. And it didn't make me feel good.


uh oh...door just opened...

So is George the one projecting the weird vibe of the company or is it Mike? Someone is screwing the dynamic and it's one of the men. The one who has major issues with women. The one who is emotionally blocked, emotionally unavailable. The one who is misogynistic. The one who creates competition. The one who has control issues and needs to create an Inside/Outside dichotomy so that he can can feel like he's on the Inside, because there's the presence of an Outside. The one who completely avoids his emotions. The one who is terrified of anyone getting close to him. Somebody is hurting from abandonment. It could be both of them now that I'm looking closer because they are overlapping. Like goes to like and each is playing a side of the dynamic even though they experienced similar pain. That's why they need each other. They will play this out. They need to examine their similarities and then they will understand their pain. What about George's mother? (maternal figure) Something weird. This man keeps a lot of secrets. Has general anxiety about going home. He needs this you know. His company. He exerts as much control as possible over his company, his accomplishments, because this is what he built himself. This is where his sense of worth is based. This is where the ego is attached. How tightly he grabs the reins and exerts a need for control over the company is in direct relation to how little control he has over other aspects of his life. He doesn't like this situation. It makes him feel helpless. And it makes him angry. When he goes home, he doesn't always talk about the things on his mind. Not everything just rolls off his back like people think. There's a lot of pent-up feeling. And he just makes himself forget. This man is deeper than even he wants to realize. Colors...black/red at the core (black means no one has seen it and red for color. That represents high energy for me. Martian energy so it's the intense kind). That's pretty deep. It's possible that no one has even been allowed to see that far into him. This means it is very hard to catch him off guard so that he drops his mask. But if someone could make him do that, they'll see. And it might be good for him. May not be possible in this life.

Um, okay, I didn't need all that information. What the hell? I'm not passing that on because people think I'm weird enough.

I'm going to bed.