Favorite Michael Stories

Someone recently wrote me and asked me to compile stories about my brother. I can't remember them all because I did a lot of drugs in the 60s and mostly, because he creates anecdotes so often, that I can't remember them all. So here are a few of my favorites, but if you remember some, remind me and I'll elaborate. Someday, I'm really going to write a book about him.

Car Alarms Are Really Sensitive

My mom is very conservative and does her best to shelter my brother from "getting the wrong idea" about things. So obviously, the subject of homosexuality is quite taboo. Last year, my mom and brother came down to Los Angeles to spend Thanksgiving with my friends and I. After dinner, we all kicked back and watched the O.C. In this episode, the son goes to his dad’s dealership with his friend to say hi to his dad. Unfortunately, when they show up, they catch his dad in the middle of a lover’s tryst with his business partner…another man. So on screen, the boys walk in just in time to see the dad grab his partner’s head and begin making out. Everyone in the room goes silent, afraid to move, painfully conscious of my mom and my brother.

So the men on TV start mugging down and Michael says, incredulously, “Are they…gay?” No one is brave enough to say anything.

Michael, in an attempt to dissociate, says, “Maybe not.” As the men are still mugging down.

Then he asks again, "Are they...gay?" No response.

Finally, the son freaks out and runs out of the dealership, but accidentally stumbles against a car, setting off the car alarm. The dad sees his son and yells, “WAIT!” and chases after him. Cut to commercial.

All of us sit quietly, not moving, enjoying a lovely awkward silence while I'm frantically trying to formulate some answer in my head that starts with, "You see Michael...when a man loves another man..."

But instead, my brother turns to me, wide-eyed, and says, “Boy Julia…car alarms are really sensitive!”

And that's all he had to say about the scene.

Michael and the Good Poo

The first time I brought this one boyfriend home, my brother took it upon himself to explain everything about our house and our routines in as much detail as possible. At one point, he leads my boyfriend into the kitchen and points to a plate of sliced cantaloupe. “We eat cantaloupe every morning because it's digestible and let’s you have good poo.” Hmm. Thanks, Michael.

Michael and the Preacher

At my grandfather’s funeral, all the adults sat in the main area, and the kids were cordoned off to sit in this side area, only visible to the preacher. I was assigned to the kids area to keep an eye on the kids (mostly just Michael) and to make sure they behaved. My brother kept wanting to talk to his cousins and the preacher kept looking over, glaring at us. Finally, he looked over and went, “Shhh.” And in no time flat, my brother has his hand in the air, middle finger extended, and is flipping off the preacher.

Michael and Urethra

Once when I went was up north, I got a call from my friend Urethra* (not her real name). She asked me, “Julia, are you on IM right now?” No, I say. I’m in my car. "So you weren’t just IMing with me.” Nope, I tell her. I probably left it on at home. Apparently, she was IMing me for advice about a relationship, and my brother started answering. She thought something was wrong when I kept writing back one word answers in ALL CAPS, but the clincher was when she laid out the situation that she was worried about and asked me what I thought, I wrote back, “DON’T WORRY. YOU’RE NOT FAT AT ALL.” Obviously, this had nothing to do with what she was talking about.

Michael and My Mother’s Drinking Problem

Lauren and I took Michael to get ice cream one day. I saw him scratch himself in a manly place and I shot a look at him and he quickly retracted his hand, saying, “Oops! I know I’m not supposed to do that in public.” Then he quickly turns to Lauren and says, “Lauren…”

I think he’s going to tell her that his mother tells him he’s not allowed to scratch himself in public so I try to head him off by saying, “MICHAEL.”

He immediately gets defensive and says right back to me, “JULIA. .... Lauren…”

I say, “Michael. Don’t say it.”

He says, “I’m NOT. Lauren...”

I say: “Michael! Do NOT say anything inappropriate!”

He says: “JULIA! I’m NOT going to say anything inappropriate.”

Then he turns to Lauren and says, “Lauren…my mother has a drinking problem.”

Holy FUCK.

He meant that my mom dribbles when she drinks out of a glass.

Michael and the Mango

When my mom, brother and I went to Mexico last year, they both bought these mangos speared on 3 ft. sticks. My mom was sitting down with the stick propped straight up, so she looked like a queen sitting nobly, with a staff. So I wanted to take a picture of her but Michael wanted to be in the picture. I told him he couldn’t. So he got huffy and moved away. I should have known that Michael would be determined to be in the picture in some way, because as I looked in the viewfinder of the camera and centered the picture, I saw this hand with a mango stick slooooowly creep into the bottom right of the picture.

Michael Says No to Lesbians

I was once bored and told my brother that his mom was a lesbian. I told him that if he didn’t believe me, to call his dad and ask. So he calls my dad and says, “Is mom a lesbian?” My dad says, “Yes.” Michael just says, “Ooooh” and doesn’t bring it up again. A few days later, Brian was making fun of me and called me a lesbian in front of Michael. And Michael gets upset and says, “JULIA. You can’t be a lesbian. We can’t have two lesbians in the family.”

Michael and August’s Sex Life

When Michael was staying with me last year, I had a post it up on the fridge that said, “For July, No More Bullshit.” I was on the phone with a student one night and saw Michael come into my office, write something on a post-it and then leave. A few moments later, Brian came in, put a post-it in front of me saying, “I thought you might like to know what your brother just put up on the fridge.” It said, “For August…No More Sex Life.”

Don’t Touch Michael’s Food

I was home last Halloween and wouldn’t let anyone see my costume until the actual day. I had promised Michael that I would show up for his school Halloween party, so I got dressed up as a Blaxploitation chick (huge fro, big sunglasses, a lot of cleavage and a nose ring) and went to his school. I found him camped out in front of the food table with a plate piled high. I walked up to him and said, “Yo wassup bro, can I get some’a that food?” He discreetly angles his body so that it’s between me and his plate, averts his eyes and says, “No.” I say, “C’mon, man, I’m starvin’ here!” He shakes his head and turns away. I say, “Just give me a bite of that sandwich,” and he turns around and screams, “I SAID NO!!!!” I start cracking up and he realizes it’s me and starts laughing. I say, “Can I have some of your food?” And he says, “No” and walks away.