Stolen from M-squared and non-girlfriend:

My Uncle Once: Bet me $10 that he could beat me at H-O-R-S-E. Seeing as I was 9, I thought he would go easy on me but no, he kicked my ass. So he asked me if I wanted to play again and I said yes, thinking he would let me win this one so I could break even. But he kicked my ass again. He asked me if I wanted to go again for all or nothing and I said yes, thinking now he would let me win so that there wouldn't be money on the table. But he kicked my ass again. He asked me if I wanted to play again and I said no. He said, you owe me $30. I told him, I don't have $30, I'm 9. So he called my mom and told her that I lacked integrity.

Never in my life: Have I wanted to be president.

When I was five: My best friend Linus and I had a game called the Pants Down Game. We would jump up and down on my parents bed and flash each other. I moved away but 10 years later, he moved to my city and showed up at my high school. We talked to each other for the first time in 10 years and he asked me, "Remember the Pants Down Game?"

High School was: a little bitch. But to take some responsibility, if I were to do it again, I would do it a lot less angry and try to focus on the likeminded people who were accepting of me instead of stewing about the hypocrisy and hierarchy.

I will never forget: That meter maid who gave me a hug and comforted me instead of giving me a ticket on that day when I was very very sad.

I once met: a kid who talked just like Professor Frink from The Simpsons.

There's this girl I know who: Used to give me money and ask me to run across the street to buy her a soda because she was afraid to cross the street.

Once, at a bar: I saw someone projectile vomit. It looked just like it did on that Garbage Pail Kids card.

By noon I'm usually: Nodding off.

Last night: I slept alone.

Next time I go to church I: will wake up, find myself naked and pray that this is just a nightmare because Julia P S__ does not set foot in a church.

Terry Schiavo: People made it a public battle over their own beliefs when it really should have been about you.

When I turn my head left, I see: A wall.

When I turn my head right, I see: a file cabinet. Thanks for reminding me that I'm trapped at work.

You know I'm lying when: I look like I'm on the verge of either laughing or crying.

What I miss most about the eighties: When all that it took to make me happy was going to 7-Eleven and picking up Jolly Ranchers, Now & Laters, Bonkers and Bubblicious, going home with a mountain of candy and having spent less than three bucks.

If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I'd be: Puck. Though whenever I hear that name, I always think of that disgusting guy with poor hygiene on Real World: San Francisco.

By this time next year: I want to be shooting my movie!

A better name for me would be: golden-palace-dot-com

I have a hard time understanding: Anything spoken. I need subtitles for everything.

If I ever go back to school I'll: go to frat parties and be that old person standing by the keg flirting with people way too young for me, and whose inappropriate presence creeps the kids out. Except for the kids with low self-esteem because those I'll bag.

You know I like you if: I lick your eye. It's an ancient Chinese custom.

If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: No one. I would use my time to make an ill-informed politically-driven rant until they cued the music and had Charlize Theron escort me off the stage.

Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens, and Geraldine Ferraro: Names men give their penises.

Take my advice, never: Get up in the middle of the night and pee with the cover down.

My ideal breakfast is: Pumpkin pancakes with cantaloupe juice, coffee and two eggs over easy at 11am because I pulled an Office Space and decided that I don't like work so I'm just not going in anymore.

A love song I love, but do not have is: Ricky don't lose that numba...

If you visit my hometown, I suggest: You prepare to see hicks.

Tulips, character flaws, microchips, and track stars: The circumstances surrounding my loss of virginity.

Why won't anyone invent: Something that would allow women the convenience of peeing standing up?

If you spend the night at my house, don't: be surprised to wake up to find me spooning you.

I'd stop my wedding for: a passing ice cream truck

The world could do without: assholes

I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick a part of it that excretes.

My favorite blonde is: Denzel Washington

Paper clips are more useful than: nothing. I use paper clips to pick the locks on diaries.

If I do anything well, it's: snoozing

The last time I was drunk, I: I've never been drunk. Only happy.

And, by the way: boys have penises and girls have vaginas.