time is turning in on itself. if you need more time, add distance.

mom and michael coming on sat. the four of us are going to paris next week. i'm excited. can't wait to see the dali museum.

wow. it's like that now, huh?

when people show you who they really are, believe them...the first time.

sadly, a quote from oprah.

proudly, i've taken it to heart.

i'm watching the smurfs in dutch. not exactly the ideal cure for a broken heart, but i'll take it. beggars can't be choosers.

at the end of the day, i remember that people love me and they respect me and want the best for me. there is a positive world that awaits me, because in turn, i focus on the positive and put my faith that if good people are what i'm looking for, good people are the ones who will surround me. that even in a situation that tears me down, i will not lose myself, i will not lose sight of who i am and what i deserve. i also know that i will not allow myself to put up with a situation that is destructive and has no desire to change. nothing is ever 100% good or 100% bad, but if it's not organically moving towards the positive, then what good is it? i had beautiful moments, which makes it harder to know that for whatever reason, it just wasn't enough. that wanting things to work out and trying my best just wasn't enough. ah, that's the part that really breaks my heart.

i know that no matter what, i tried with the best of efforts and intentions, even if others want to take me for granted and tell me it's not enough. the basic thing is if someone doesn't respect the value of what i give, then i'll find myself people who do and will reciprocate in kind. people who build bridges instead of telling you you can have everything...just don't make any demands on them. at the end of the day, i can give positively but i can not force another person to do anything even if it is for their own benefit. i know that i am a good person, will always be a good person, and will always have love and positive regard to give to those who truly want it and appreciate it, and are willing to create positive situations in which these things can be exchanged and magnified.

i have no regrets no matter how much things will hurt until they stop. inside every part of me, i know i tried and i gave everything. it doesn't matter what others think. i know that and i have peace.

i am comfortable in knowing that even when there is disappointment or heartache, i will be with the person who deserves me, because i know without question it is what i deserve. pain is superficial. time heals all wounds. but letting yourself down when you know you deserve more...that is unacceptable.

sometimes i feel like i'm getting smaller and smaller and one day, i'll just simply lose my voice and disappear.

the frustration has been quietly building but i can't talk about it because otherwise it will rock the boat. i have to remain calm and make sure everything that is said is for the benefit of the both of us and the relationship. i am getting smaller and smaller and yesterday, i literally lost my voice. i often see outward symptoms as clear reflections of what's going on inwardly.

i suspect i'm quietly drowning in my own words falling on deaf ears.

i am wholely uncomfortable today and feeling alone. even the threat of rain is not soothing whatever it is on the periphery of my insides that's telling me that things are not the same on the surface as underneath it, and it makes me feel more isolated that i can't get anyone to acknowledge this and explain the disparity to me.

between the click of the light and the start of a dream

how do we really know anyone in life outside of taking their word for it, and then experiencing the sum of their actions and reactions. to trust someone 100% requires a mutual trust in you 100%. it is complete openness, like water that flows between two entities with no resistance. how to explain your absolute need and desire to trust someone and give them everything they need to trust you, to want to be connected with someone on every level more than the value of life itself so that there is complete, absolute openness and oneness, when you fear that deep-down, they will never 100% let you in. how to explain your secret terror that you will spend your life living with a stranger, a mysterious, locked presence whose body and words only magnify the impenetrable silence behind them.

some people think being physically present is enough even when to the person who wants to be close to them, their insides are towering, pervading questions cloaked in shadows.

my father told me once that he never abandoned our family and that should have been enough. he told me i was greedy. what more do you want from me, he yelled, trying to back me down to the only acceptable answer for him...i want nothing.

how to explain to him what it feels like to want to deeply love someone, but feeling like you're loving a stranger, a ghost, someone who is physically present but who you've already lost long before you were born. how to explain the desperation for something you could see and feel that could connect you, give you hint of meaning. how to explain the loneliness.

physical presence is not enough. like a hug with no arms. like open eyes solid as a heavy door bolted from the inside. like a midnight phone call stirring you from a deep slumber with only the echoes of silence.

how it feels when the most important man in your life is there, but not there.

sometimes you disappear.
sometimes i dream that one day, you will disappear completely, leaving only the body of a man to remind me that the depths i've dreamed of will always lay next to me, but remain entire universes out of my reach.

is it possible to have it all, a consistent and present connection of body, mind, heart and soul?

i was promoting today and ran into a group of guys from england in town for a stag party. they were sitting on the patio outside a pub and all had matching shirts with nicknames on the back. the one named garb waved me down and told me he loved me. i talked to them to find out about who was getting married but mostly, to promote the show. they said that they had a friend inside who was talking up a chick and asked if i would go up to him and tell him not to be such a slut. which guy, i asked. his t-shirt says STD on the back. his name's sid, but we changed it to STD, they said. you want me to pretend to be his angry girlfriend?, i ask. yeah!, they say. you want me to slap him, i ask. yeah!!, they say. how about throw a beer in his face?, i ask. yes!!, they all say almost orgasmically.

what if the girl freaks out, i ask. he just met her, they say. she won't do anything.

but i know, the last time i played this joke, things went a bit pear-shaped (circa 1998--dublin's, sunset strip. my friend louis chatting up this girl after closing and i go up pretending to be his girlfriend who's caught him talking to another girl. even though i'm the supposed girlfriend, this ho tries to fight me, prompting security to run up and put louis of all people in a chokehold). they insist so finally i give in. hell, it's so hard for me to say no to a practical joke.

so i walk in and sid (aka std) is a burly guy with a shaved head. a bit intense looking. he's sitting at the bar talking to a girl in her mid 20's. i put my head next to him and stare until he turns around. i look pissed. you told me you were going back to the hotel room, i say like i'm spitting venom. strangely enough, he stares at me like a dog who's been caught eating out of the garbage, tail between his legs. what the fuck are you doing?, i ask him. he just stares at me with that beaten look. it was strange. the way he was reacting, it was like i really was his girlfriend who'd caught him cheating. so i hit/shove him on the shoulder and storm out (never slapped anyone in the face and wasn't gonna do it to that poor guy).

his mates are all standing in the doorway laughing their heads off. behind me i hear sid make some exclamation of relief. they high five me on the way out and ask if i'll be their guide tonight. i ask if they can guarantee that i won't get vomit on my shoes and they can't, so i tell them that i'm cooking dinner for my partner tonight but wish them a good trip. in a way, part of being a resident (albeit temporary resident) of amsterdam is helping to create memorable moments for tourists.

i did pass by a little while later and saw that sid was sitting with his mates and the girl had joined them. glad to see that the little stunt hadn't hurt his prospects.

since i was asked where the last post came from...

though i was referring to the nouvelle vague version.

you should never be too drunk to fuck. that's somewhere in the top 10 guidelines for good, righteous living. anyone who finds themselves too drunk to fuck is a loser.

rie put it best. so many people act like when a man asks a woman to marry him, it's going to be this big, surprising, magical moment where a girl has to suddenly decide at that moment if she wants to spend the rest of her life with this person. that's kind of a childish way to look at it...it almost sounds like a game show. i like to think that marriage is a decision between two adults. ideally, it's slowly worked towards and openly communicated about. nothing is hid and you can speak openly about your ideas of partnership and expectations, and express hopes and fears in terms of what each person can give or needs. it's basically merging individual egos and sharing goals, visions and decisions within the same level of trust and comfort. if you don't know or aren't sure, you aren't ready. it doesn't matter how drama-ful or drama-less the ramp up to this place is. there has to be partnership. there has to be complete open communication and trust. there has to be an unadulterated connection that bonds you together into an entity greater than the parts.

if you live in the moment and let the moment live for you, if you forge on bravely with your only focus being to overcome any obstacle that appears before you while never letting go of your partners hand, you'll be able to lift your head above the flow of the river, an echo of a moment where everything stands still and the present is neither past nor future. you'll see exactly what it is that you have.

some people focus on things that will make them happy.
some people focus on things that will make them unhappy.

when my partner and i sleep, we intertwine our bodies with our foreheads touching, our sense of selves following silent thoughts along twisted pathways into the other's depth where we sit and breathe. i am inside him and outside him. he is inside me and outside me. when we dream the same dream, there is no separation.

house rules: come in and behave or get banned. it's that simple.

i am sorry you have been reincarnated into a computer. i hope that someday when the robots catch up, they'll build you arms and legs.

whatever colors you have in your mind
i'll show them to you and you'll see them shine...

why wait any longer for your world to begin
you can have your cake and eat it too.
why wait any longer for the one you love
when he's standing in front of you.

today the subject is shadows. particularly, the shadows of our past, the shadows that form into entire identities whose darkness can suddenly wash through us, filling us with fierce, breathing storms that seem to bring the coldest chill to the hearts closest to us. in a way, this storm is our life force, rejuvenating us, refilling us with the passion that we have so forcefully trapped in padlocked basements before it suddenly breaks free, filling us.

this storm is not rage, though rage is similarly deep-rooted. when i am gripped by my most uncontrollable moments of rage, i am filled with fear, fear that i have been taken over by something destructive beyond my control, fear as a raw force whose sustenance requires pain.

but when it is the shadow that fills me, i am calm, detached. the shadow stirs up a storm that is as violent as it is soothing, as electric as it is cleansing. i am being lulled by the rhythm of the rain in the center of the tempest, knowing that things will happen the way they are supposed to happen, that with crippling devastation comes new life, so i let the storm expand into the fullest stretches of its static demands. i let it thrash i let it scream i let it breathe. i let it suffer i let it seduce i let it grieve. i let it tear off layers of earth until it reveals all that is buried beneath, storm waters forcing dense blackness to the surface so there is no denial, only recognition and acceptance, before washing them away...downstream towards a point in a gray horizon. i let it wind down until it is a breath, a single breath that passes through my body and out of me, until everything is connected again, and time has caught up with the present.

the shadow has carried everything that has ever been too difficult for me to carry. now that i am in a place where i can handle them, the shadow is releasing, dredging up everything so that i can put these fragments back together into an integrated, infinite being. my shadow has suffered stoicly at my hands and never complained.

now you always say, that you want to be free...

is time really on our side? or do our fingers slip a little more each time? why do bad things happen when there is time?

i had missed my tram and had conversation with the new girl who just got hired as a promoter.

she told me she didn't know much about her astrology sign so i started telling her, and then we were having a conversation where she was telling me exactly how her mind works because it lay along the things i'd described. she's incredibly brilliant with calculation and analysis. in fact, she could do a lot with her life with this gift. i told her it's a gift and she has to honor and take care of it. that a lot of people won't understand it but will want to put out your enthusiasm because they feel threatened. she tells me how people are always trying to tell her she's stupid and i tell her, i know, that's the way it's going to be for a while, until you figure out where you want to focus your gift. but just because they don't understand it, doesn't mean you disrespect it. don't ever forget that you're luckier than most people, and you can either use your abilities for good or not good.

she told me that it was like i knew her secrets and if i always talked to people this way. i said, some people. the right people. the people who need it because i get something out of this too, i learn. she said that she thought i'm psychic and i laughed. in a way, i said. i feel like i met god today, she said. i tell her more that she caught a glimpse of him, that the fact that i'm saying things which are secretly things she's secretly held in means that it's true, it's real and she has to honor it.

who are you?, she asks.

a good person, i say.

we talk a little bit and then i see my tram so i run across the crowded square and head home.

if you relax your outlook enough to keep your own projections (and judgments) separate so that you endeavor to see with complete objectivity and positive regard, you'll see that people tend to always have subconscious or unconscious ways that show what privately hurts them (sometimes even under their own self-awareness). if you can find a safe way to talk about it with them and trust the interaction, you'll find that something beautiful and real emerges that gives you proof of god.

we accept the love we think we deserve.

no more, no less, it is what is.

decide what you deserve. then you will understand why you get what you get, and if it's not acceptable, you will know the way to get what is acceptable. 

often, you just have to ask yourself the right questions and be prepared for honest answers. some people won't accept unconditional love from someone who wants to give it to them because deep down, they don't feel they deserve it, or for whatever reason, their own love and feelings for themselves is conditional. in this way, they will only accept what they feel they deserve, rejecting anything that is more or better. some people will leave situations even if they desire it and want it to work because at the end of the day, they truly feel they deserve better, something more unadulterated than their partner is willing or able to give.

no matter what, there's no judgment to it, just a simple observation of what is. if we accept the love we think we deserve, by examining the love we want or that is in our lives, we are able to see exactly what it is we think we deserve and thus, how we really feel about ourselves and if that, in and of itself, is acceptable and what we really want.

we all get the lives we want whether consciously or unconsciously. i feel that most people have a better chance of being content with what they have if they go about making these choices consciously, and making conscious what goes on unconsciously. truth should never be feared. most of the times when people fear truth, they are only fearing their ability to face and accept truth.

why do we mourn for our own lost innocence when we see it in others, when it is still there, alive and intact, within ourselves? 

why do we mourn for the loss of our pure, unadulterated selves, when it is always present?

it is illusion to think that life, no matter how devastating, not matter how ugly, can take the truth of ourselves away from us. no one can take anything that is real away from you. we can only believe the lies told in desperation by the wounded and weak, believe their ugly view of the world full of victims and perpetrators, believe their self-fulfilling disease is the way of "the real world" until we turn away from our own truth, beauty, magic and innocence, letting these precious things starve and wither like an unwatered plant deep in the core of our being.

the thing is, that plant's connected to everything and the roots run deep, as deep as everything that is and was because it's a part of everything the way you are a part of everything and anything that is, was and will be. that plant can never die because life can never die. it can only be neglected. but it will bloom for you, filling with powerful love and life force the moment you allow it to, the moment you allow yourself to.

so why do we grieve for the losses of ourselves, of our innocence, for those dark periods in the past where we may have given up ourselves and let our spirit and illuminous well fall into neglect? does not this grieving only perpetuate this loss? does it not make more sense to honor it and enjoy the present and the fullness of your being rather than waste more energy mourning for the neglected self and the time lost to hurt and sadness?

time is not real. it is only a measurement of present moments that are no longer present. only the present exists at any given time, only how you want to embrace the present. how would you like to experience yourself in the present? with honor and appreciation?

or disappointment for past loss and sorrow? 

there's always a choice, my friend.

thursday

whenever it rains here, i experience tabula rasa. it always happens when i'm staring at the gray perpetual sky with the water falling on my face, pooling in my eyes like tears. i always hold my palms out to receive as well as give.

then i come home, and i feel as though i'm carrying electricity, and then things seem to go back the way they were last before the internal storms exploded destructively, and david is who i remember him to be and we continue on, working on our story as though nothing ever happened. 

status check:

sleep: +.5 to 1 hour a night

food: more fresh vegetables, more red meat, more whole dairy, more whole grains, less performance food (aka supplements, protein shakes)

exercise: 3x a week in gym (1.5 hour cardio only), about 3-5 miles walked a day.

ambition: + in creativity, - in monetary earnings. i make 50-70 euros a week on 12 hours of work and i'm happy.

creative output: + for inspiration, - for completion (no change from la). though sometimes when i write a story, it happens.

social experiments: + /- new characters & insight, more opportunities, higher risk, shorter leash.

relationship work: + overall, though - during times when old issues rear their ugly heads and reactive behavior must be reprogrammed. necessary but still a temporary blow to self-esteem and idealism.

sex: ++ the only constant.  

friends: + only through work, all guys who know i'm in a relationship so nothing significant.

vices: no change. just space cakes. have gained more extensive knowledge of range of drugs and effects, though am still at same breadth of experience as when i came here. have not experimented with anything new, and do not appreciate the quality of my only supplement of interest, though ingestible goods are quite positive experiences. i hear cocaine is a bitch of a drug. if i tried it it would be out of spite.

psychic eye: ++ very strong. my only regret was not bringing my tarot cards. have a new deck of ibis tarot. it will take me much time to master as the aesthetic language is in egyptian symbols without the strong focus on astrology, which is the mystic language i am most fluent in. it focuses on consciousness, so while i haven't had focus on it, i feel it will help me get in tune with a different level of dimension. people approach when i want them to approach, stay away when i want them to. i never have to chase interactions. they come to me.

impishness: +/- (inhibited). amsterdam is a small city where everyone knows each other, but it's also filled with tourists who come and go. so either anything you do, people will find out about, or you get away scot free. have impulse to do things in the background of people's photos, but have not yet. did get caught timing the guy with the hooker few weeks ago and that spread around the office quickly, so that has kept me in check to be aware of impulsive behavior for my own amusement.

restlessness: varies. it comes and goes. sometimes i want to fly, sometimes, i want to nest. 

shadow: present. an adversary and ally.

consciousness: +/- in my better moments, i see that i am part of everything and everything a part of me, just as it is on the outside, just as it is on the inside. how i treat and receive the characters in my outer world directly correlates with the things i work on internally. to get inside someone else, only remember that they are part of you and thus, accessible, the way areas within yourself are accessible. the way you do it is with a promise of being completely respectful. and if they're letting you use them to play out your internal drama, then you do your best to honor that gift. 

overall wellness of being: body is taking the brunt of the damage. right knee clicks and mosquitos have launched late night ninja attacks on areas that are off-limits from the accord made between mosquitos and man dating thousands of years back (no biting on the face or bottom of the feet). headaches from stress twice last week. sudden lack of coordination or attention to physical tasks (drop a lot of things when focus shifts). but it's still tight, still rises to the task of what i need of it each day. mental acumen strong, articulation flows unconsciously and am able to use words to get inside people seamlessly, though once in, my sudden self-awareness makes me bungle sometimes. psychic ability is very strong so am able to have multi-level conversations simultaneously while going through people's inner thoughts, experiences and feelings. have found that while i can retrieve information, i often can't decode it, sometimes until later, sometimes never--only that there's something there and i've made a copy of it. relationships with others have been strong, magnetic and positive. no one gets defensive or weirded out when i pull things out of them. people are so open that i don't think they notice or care. emotionally, have been on a roller coaster that seems influenced by the weather, seasons and lunar cycle. at first i theorized that i am perhaps susceptible but have never noticed since i've spent almost a decade in a place that's perpetually sunny. upon closer inspection and observation, david seems highly influenced by the sign of cancer, his mother and the 4th house, i see that his emotional life and energy seem to follow the lunar cycle. new moons are great time for planting seeds and working things out, full moons are climactic and unpredictable. being close to bodies of water seem to also magnetize him, or if i focus on cancerian traits and output that energy into him. when emotionally, we hit the same frequency, both partners become magnetic, even when separated, affecting those around us positively and in out of the ordinary, even magical, ways. this output is very hard to maintain at this point which creates much frustration (on my part). sometimes i do get taken over by the shadow so everything comes out of the shadow and i am subverted, but afterwards is usually a learning, healing and dealing time. shadow has been destructive by nature, but not ultimately destructive for the sake of destruction. rather, for the sake of healing. 

and babe, i'm just like the best thing...that could happen, happen to someone...

i am one, a surface where all that is within meets all that is without.

i realize how i lost my strength and by realizing this, i've gotten it back.

 

stay conscious, stay present. refer to those whose objectivity you trust to help you with perspective.

don't fall into a game of reactions or reflexes, stay clear and strong and watch to see how things are unfolding. there's no judgment about knowing who/what/where/why/how causes the domino-effect of reactions and illusory spin towards fear and negativity. you need to understand these things not for judgment or blame, but out of good sense so you know the forces at work and how to accept them, engage them, ignore them or dismantle them in the name of positive life force and projection.

perceive with detachment, perceive with objective truth so that you can project with positive regard and love. and if the end result is resistant to positive change or unacceptable for who i am and the quality of my spiritual life, i am prepared to do what's best for myself and find that balance wherever it exists.

i will continue to seek with tolerance, patience and open eyes, never taking what comes from life for granted. i know that what i seek will come to me when the time is right and when i am ready, so i will not force anything, or allow external forces to make me impatient, intolerant, negative or destructive. this was the discovery i made last year that freed me from my past and changed my life, and while i have been drifting towards weakness and darkness lately, i am refocusing myself and am determined to be conscious so i can be true to what is real and what is the way.

i'm not falling for negative tricks anymore. i am stronger than that and i know that. you can test me but you'll find out soon enough. dependency is not love. fear is not love. only expansion, acceptance and faith. i am a great person and an asset to people's lives. i'm not going to let anyone or anything make me believe otherwise.