There's this family that I'm friends with that happens to have built the building that I currently live in. While they were building it, the matriarch of the family passed away from cancer. It was a sad affair, especially considering what a wonderful family they are. Well, my neighbor downstairs is a total bitch. She's a pathological liar and martyrs herself to get attention. She makes up complaints and all her complaints end with something like this: "blah blah blah I'm a wench I'm a wench I'm a wench...and then I was so upset, I cried for hours." Yeah. Totally. Psycho. She used to complain if I made any noise, such as my 240 lb. lil' brother walking across our living room. Well, I was at a homeowners meeting last week where she was complaining to everyone about how back in the day, the guy who had built the building had "called me a pig. I have lived in America for many years and I have never witnessed such behavior! I was so upset that I cried for hours."

Now, I have heard both sides of this story and I happen to know that he didn't call her a pig and that she was pulling this story out of her ass and making up her own details to fit into the landscape of Warped Crazy Lady Land. Everyone was "ooh"ing, sympathizing with her and it made me sick at the possibility that intelligent people could fall for this self-pitying (and pathological!) crap. But then she continues and says, "They're horrible people. I bet they gave her the cancer!" I snapped back, "Who?" Just because I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She said, "That poor woman! I bet they gave it to her because they're such terrible people. I bet if I had to live with them, I would get cancer, too." I had been trying to ignore her but at this point I had to say something so I said, "I don't think that's a fair thing to say." And by "fair thing," I meant "non-crazy bitchy HUMANE thing, you crazy liposuctioned motherfucker." So she continues, saying, "I would get something like, colon cancer, if I had to live with them." Huh??? Is your anus particularly sensitive to insult? Does its immune capabilities weaken in the face of imagined name calling? And Stupid Lady...are you telling me that even hearing those words coming out of your mouth doesn't shock your frozen heart into a jumpstart? I'll give you colon cancer. In the form of my foot up your ass. Just give me a second while I put on some heavy boots.

I give you this anecdote as a character sketch because...

TODAY

I had written a letter and given it to each unit in this building about how the homeowners association should now require formal written proposals and budgets for all spending. Lately, they have been spending money at whim on the most random things, like a $300 plant, and hell, that's my friggin' money too! Well, she called today to complain that I was being too noisy on my little mini step machine (the portable ones with just the steps). We had "words" and she, being the martyring little snot that she is, tries to tell me when I can and can't exercise. I, being the sarcastic little snot that I am, tell her to write out her schedule so I can make sure to work my exercise schedule around it. So she's going off on her bitching, and out of the blue, says, "And furthermore, don't you dare write me letters and try to intimidate me with your big words." I had to supress giggles. Apparently, she doesn't understand multi-syllabic words. And furthermore, it's not freakin' about her! I had the strong urge to retort, "The universe is heliocentric, Anna. It doesn't revolve around you." But I realized it was a lost battle because she wouldn't have understood what "heliocentric" meant.

So it ended when I called her pathological (which Webster Dictionary defines as: 1. pertaining to or caused by disease; 2. Unhealthy or compulsive behavior, ie pathological liar ), which I'm sure she didn't understand because I said it twice and she glossed over what was clearly a huge insult. Then I chuckled while she was in mid-sentence then told her, "I'm busy. I'm watching TV," then hung up on her. And went back to watching Celebrity Mole.

SHE SUCKS.