I don't think you guys fully understand how kooky my office is.

Today I strolled in 10 minutes late, listening to my Ipod. I didn't take it off for the entire day, outside of unplugging my left earphone so my telephone headpiece could be put on, and when I discovered that it'd be easier to plug my ipod into my computer speakers. Trent Reznor wants to fuck you like an animal? I think everyone in the bullpen wants to hear this one.

The first thing I say to my coworker is, "Holy crap. Whoever invented boxer briefs is a genius."

He asked me if I was wearing them and he wanted to see so I unbuttoned my pants and showed him. He said, nice. My wife likes those. I told him that if they go to Urban Outfitters, they have some really cute ones with nice designs.

Throughout the morning, we talk about my upcoming birthday party. One coworker says he's even going to take off his rings when he spanks me, but I might have to sign a waiver. I told him that he was responsible for my other coworker coming, but our other coworker is flaky. We both decided the best way to get him interested in coming was to tell him that my female friends are all models and porn stars, who are slutty and drink way too much. So I did and he said he was definitely in. He asked me if I was serious, and I said, if I'm lying, I'll let you spank me. My coworker said he was going to spank me anyway, but then he was going to put a size 12 in my ass. My other coworker (who's black) said, 12?. You don't wear 12's. I wear 12's. I said, "What else is 12?" He got embarrassed, then said, don't ask questions you aren't ready to hear the answers to.

At lunch, some coworkers and I had a nice long discussion about birth control pills and its affects on acne and your menstrual cycle as our tech support guy quietly ate his salad.

I walked back from an hour and a half lunch spent at the DMV to find my coworker looking through an issue of Playboy. I asked him if that was the one Amanda Beard was in. He said yeah, and I said that I wanted to see her pictures. So he wants to look through the centerfold first, and he tells me what about her works and what doesn't turn him on. We both agreed we prefer dark eyes versus blue eyes. We looked at the pictures of Amanda Beard. He said she had a nice butt. I said she's pretty but she looks like she would be a really mean soccer mom.

After work, in the elevator to the parking garage, I talk with my boss about how it's going with he and his wife trying to conceive.

Add in the fact that yesterday, we were all talking about if small hands and feet correlated with penis size and my coworker brought up a picture of a huge penis bearing a man that he and his wife had an orgy with over the weekend, I really feel that if this company were ever to create an HR department, we'd probably eat those people alive.