I'm Afraid of Americans Lesbians

I just got back from seeing Rufus Wainright at Stubbs in Austin. It was an amazing show with Neko Case opening. It was general admission so Robert and I got tired of standing, so we sat down for most of the show, but Brian was in hog heaven. One thing I love about Rufus is that he has a beautiful voice and he's so passionate when he sings. That man gives it his all. We should live every moment of our lives that way. It takes a lot of courage, but I have a feeling it's the free-ist way to live.

Earlier today, we had met some of Robert's friends at Whole Foods for breakfast. He has this one friend who's really nice, and I had heard about his history before I met him--he was in his early 20's and met a 14 year old girl, and not knowing she was underage, he slept with her. Turns out her dad found out, and unfortunately, he's the president of the Texas bar. So they prosecute him and he gets sent to prison and now has to register as a sex offender. He can't get any kind of business license in Texas, and is on probation for something like 10 years. It's unfortunate, because the sex was consensual and the girl led him to believe she was 18, but it didn't matter. The guy was a law student and now he can't even start any kind of business, and is a convicted felon and registered sex offender.

Anyway, I joked last night that since I was in Texas, I was gonna either fuck someone or start a girlfight (anyone who knows me knows that means I'm gonna have 1 drink, eat dinner, get sleepy and be in bed by 10pm). So Robert said that when I meet his friend, he would totally fuck me. Well, I met him for the first time today and he's a good-looking guy and intelligent, but his eyes are incredibly haunted. It was hard to see, knowing how life can just throw these decent people complete wicked curveballs out of nowhere. I guess he was interested because he asked Brian and Robert to butter me up to him when I stepped out of the room, but I wasn't serious about wanting to sleep with anyone. Later, at the concert, Robert pulled me aside and said, "You've been around plenty of decent straight guys and if you wanted to fuck someone, you would have already. So maybe you should ask yourself what happened with Reggie that's making you like this, or maybe you just want to be alone right now." I told him, "First of all, it wasn't Reggie that did anything to me or messed me up inside, because I would have stayed if he was the one, but I didn't and I'm very proud of that decision. But I'm looking for someone specific, in the eyes of everyone I meet, and I just can't find him yet, or find someone who's willing to explore these deep connections." He nodded, then said, "I didn't really want to introduce you to anyone. I was trying to save you for myself." He was joking, but he gets what I'm going through. If anyone remembers him, Robert was Brian's friend from UT who was the underwear model/actor. He moved back to Texas, and the thing is, the guy has a very healthy attitude towards sex, but he's a serial monogamist and at the end of the day, when he commits, he COMMITS. He said that he has no problem with the idea of marriage and committing to one person for the rest of his life, but he worries about his partner cheating on him. He knows that for all my talk and all my fluttering around, I don't mess around in the deepest parts of me. I've never given my heart away, and have only opened my heart to a few people, and got burned, but stood back up and am not afraid to do it again with the right person. I'm just looking for the one person that I can say with confidence that I want to devote my heart, soul and life to. And I think right now, I've dedicated myself to that search. I just have to figure out what he's going to look like in terms of his energy, because we have so many soulmates out there, so even if it's a deep connection, you still have to choose the right soulmate.

So I had already gotten hit on earlier today at Whole Foods by Robert's friend's girlfriend who blurts out that I'm gorgeous and how she's figured out my secret...that I'm beautiful (I understood what she meant, even though I didn't exactly. I don't hang any self-esteem whatsoever on how I look because I recognize that in 10 years, if that's how you've been measuring yourself, you're fucked. So I rarely acknowledge how I look to myself...I just try to take care of myself and have a beautiful inner being). She kind of intimidated me because all through breakfast, she kept talking about dildos and sex and shooting pornos. So when she said that, I kind of hid behind Brian like a little kid and was really self-conscious. I think I made a half-ass gemini joke like, "Just wait til you see me without clothes." But I wasn't comfortable.

After the concert, Brian really wanted to go to the gay bar so I went with him. The place had a healthy mix of lesbians and I saw this blond girl check me out. Well, those of you who remember my fiasco with my lesbian chiropractor know that that whole experience kind of made me nervous around blond lesbians who take an interest in me. So a few minutes later, Brian and I are standing around and I turn around and she's right next to me. She wants to tell me that I look just like a friend of hers, and wants to know my name. So I introduce myself, doing a handshake so close to my body that I accidentally press her hand against my boob. So Brian tells her that we just came from the Rufus show, and they're talking and I look over at her every once in a while but she's talking to Brian so mostly I look at the decor on the ceiling. So finally she says, well, I just wanted to let you know that you look just like my friend...sorry to bother you. And leaves. As soon as she's outside of earshot, Brian says, "Dude, you had the most petrified look on your face." I didn't know what he meant so he did his impression of me and from that impression, I looked pretty terrified. I don't know. I can't handle being hit on by girls, sober. Especially ones who look like my lesbian ex-chiro who sicced her crazy aggro wife on me because I didn't want to be with her. Yeah, that will always be a sore spot for me, something that always makes me sad, because even though I didn't have romantic interest in her, I really cared about her and her welfare, and she betrayed everything that was sincere that I gave her in friendship. That whole experience made me really sad.

Anyway, apparently I'm terrified of lesbians. And probably men as well. I just don't want anyone hitting on me and to have to feel bad about turning them down, because I've never looked for casual. Especially now, I'm looking for something specific. Not necessarily committed leading to marriage, but something specific that can help me grow at this time. And who knows where it leads. This road is completely open.

By the way, I knew this guy once, and he and I had a strong connection (fucking Pisces...I'm like a moth to a flame...), but I always had a feeling that he was waiting for his ex, and she was the one who really owned his heart. So I heard he got married, and I looked it up and sure enough, he married her. They posted their "story" in their wedding announcement, and apparently, they had met freshman year in college and kind of vibed each other. Throughout the years, they kept running into each other and finally went out on a date. They dated for a bit, then went their separate ways. He was in LA, she was on the east coast, but they kept in touch and she ended up moving out here, and they got married. The thing was that I know he was dating plenty of people while he was in LA, but when the time was right and he was ready, they found each other.

My favorite part of that Six Feet Under finale is that Claire's lawyer boyfriend shows up randomly, unexpectedly, at her mother's funeral and they get married when they're like in their 40's. A part of me is sad because I know I'm going to marry late, and I feel sad for my parents that I'll never bring home that promising young man full of potential. I don't know if they'll be alive to see me get married, but I know that whatever I do will be right, because I'm willing to take risks, but I'm also cautious about picking and choosing where to take risks. I always wonder, with all these connections I've made with people, who's going to show up out of the blue when I'm older, and what hadn't been right before, is suddenly right...now.

My coworker told me on Thursday that he thinks we're going to get married. According to him, we're going to get married to other people (he said I'm gonna marry Baron Davis), then get divorced, and one day we'll run into each other at Starbuck's, realize that we have a connection, and now we're older, wiser and have gotten all of the young stuff out of our system and are ready to settle down for real. And we're gonna get together and get married, and he's gonna let me run around, but he won't care and he'll sit at home, waiting for me to come home because at that point, he'll be done playing around, but he respects me enough to give me my freedom because he knows I'm the type who always comes home.

I'm not really attracted to him, but I thought it was interesting that he had this whole scenario in his head, especially because he's a player. But ever since we smoked out that night and he saw the core me, the me that's exactly the truth of who I am, he's been looking at me differently. He's also cleaned up since then, and is getting less player-ish and more domesticated, working out and cooking (he always brings what he cooked the night before and will come into my office with a fork cuz he wants me to try it). Well, maybe I'm making him a better man, even though I don't see myself with him.

Whoever you are that I'm looking for, I hope I find you soon because it's tiring to radiate this energy and I only have so much red in my closet. But if you're someone I know already but who isn't ready, I hope when the time is right, we find each other again. Because that'll be the happiest moment of my life.