I'm Starting to Get It

I remember in college, I was lamenting to a guy that I actually liked that no one is really interested in me. He said, you can have a lot of guys, you just don't try. I could have probably had something with him, but it was easier for me to say that I couldn't get anything, as sort of a nothing's-ever-gonna-happen defense.

And I think it's worse than the fact I don't try.

I'm absolutely terrified.

Yesterday, I was at Amoeba Music, one of my favorite places in LA. I was walking down the hip hop section and turned to go around this black guy in a baseball cap when he moved in front of me, almost bumping into me. I was caught off guard and he turned around and was surprised because he didn't know anyone was behind him. In that split second, I noted that he had really nice skin and kind of looked like Allen Iverson, but cleaner. I didn't think I had any expression on my face, but when I was browsing behind him, I thought I heard him mumble something to this black girl next to him, "Shit, she actin' like [something something]" I thought he was talking shit, like telling her that I had given him a dirty look, so I turned around and looked at him. He's looking at me and he says, "You were looking at me like you thought I was gonna hit you or something." I was shocked so I said, "What?" because I didn't think I heard right. He said, "You looked at me like I was gonna turn around and smack you." I laughed and he laughed too, and it disarmed the moment. That seemed like an absurd read on me, and I thought he was gonna say that I looked at him with disrespect. But then I realized what he actually did perceive.

Fear.

So I thought about what was going through my insides at that time when we interacted. He had almost bumped into me and I was instantly irritated, but that gave way to curiosity while I sized him up. I actually appreciated his looks, though he wasn't the type of guy I would want to date. But I did think he was goodlooking.

So while I was doing that internally, I projected fear? Apparently such an intense projection of fear for there to be no misreading of that emotion, so much so that he was compelled to comment that I looked like I thought he was gonna hit me, an action which makes no rational sense.

I thought about it a lot last night, because it seemed similar to the incident in the gay bar with the girl. I thought I had been friendly, even leaning close to the girl so I could attentively hear what she was saying to me, yet she was kind of offended that I wasn't welcoming, and Brian read my body language as one of absolute petrification and terror.

In thinking about my dream last night, I remember one incident with the guy I had liked, where he made a suggestive comment about giving me a massage, and I froze. I felt my senses go completely raw, the way they do when you get in a car accident and you feel like you're completely exposed and your senses are stripped, and adrenaline bursts through your system. I must have looked absolutely terrified. And yet, I really, really wanted to get close to this guy and the idea of getting a massage from him just blew my mind in a good way. Yet my primal reaction was terror.

Fear. Terror. Petrification. Why?

In this year of fearless living, I have been tackling these little fears one by one but I know which one is the biggest of all.

Why am I so terrified of letting the very people I want get close to me?

I chase after people who are not available, or only make an effort once they have changed their minds about getting close to me. I present a super spiritual side that seems so big as to discourage anyone from being bigger or stronger than me to see through me, but really it's a massive smokescreen. I'm so soft and vulnerable inside, and terrified that someone's going to get in there with sharp weapons and start swinging. So my projection of myself is very tough and in control, but how many people can see that it comes from complete and utter terror of being taken advantage of or rejected? And who is strong enough and trustworthy enough to venture in and find me? Because it's almost a matter of life or death, the way it feels when I get scared of someone. And it's always stronger when I do want to let the person in.

I talked to a friend today when I made this realization about my fear. I told him that nothing scares me more than when I have strong feelings for someone and those feelings are reciprocated. When they give me a sign that they want to be close to me, I freeze. I freak out. And I kill the moment. Of course it's safer for me to be one of the boys. What absolute terror I feel when they find out my secret, that the truth of me is feminine and beautiful and desirable. What if they decide to just take it? I've got no defenses, outside of my camouflage.

More and more, I'm wondering what the hell happened to me that I can't seem to remember what it is that can make me so scared of people seeing me as feminine and desirable. It's becoming really hard to ignore, but really frustrating, because I don't want to make up a memory, but I feel like all signs point to something being there, but I can't get it to materialize.

It's like a black hole.