So the new fad sweeping our little office is gall bladder flushing. Eddie brought in this plan from his chiro friend who swears that if you flush yourself of gallstones, it will improve your joints. So after the guys all swore by it, I thought I would give my ailing knees some relief by trying it out.

The plan involves drinking a lot of organic, natural apple juice for five days, with the last two days requiring half a gallon of apple juice drank in 8 oz. servings at 2 hour intervals. Then the last day requires servings of epsom salt and grapefruit juice and extra virgin olive oil and grapefruit juice at specific times.

Your body turns into a war zone, and out come your gallstones.

Well, my body feels okay today, but I'm hoping that near the end of the week, my knees will feel like the trampolines they used to be. And by the weekend, I'll be dunking again.

I watched Stranger Than Fiction last night. I think this is one of my favorite movies now. Holy cow, it's so creative and smart. I loved the dialogue, and Will Ferrell gave a great performance...he really reined it in and took his character seriously, which was something I was afraid he wouldn't do. The situation was so absurd but he played his character so human and real with a believable arc, that it was impossible not to get lost in his journey.

It was funny because I had really wanted to see this movie when it first came out, but then I waited and waited. Sometimes I like to find the right time to watch a movie that I really think I'm going to like. I had rented it on Sunday, and my coworker and I were talking yesterday about how I want to let go of the edge and just dive into my creative well and see what comes out...because I need to get focused and write something good so I can stop working at my job. He said that what I need is a manager, someone who's on my ass getting me disciplined and being my muse. He asked me if I've seen Stranger than Fiction, and I told him I actually had it at home and was planning to watch it, and he said I was gonna get a lot out of it.

Well, first of all, when a writer goes into his or her cave, it's unpredictable. You don't know if you're going to go crazy, but you have to be willing to let it happen. Emma Thompson was super nutty, but I loved the part when she goes into the hospital, sees the old guy standing around, takes a few seconds to look at him intensely, then sums up that there's nothing wrong with him...he just likes looking at sick people. Sometimes you just look at people and you know. I hope that my process doesn't lead me to insanity, but I'll be the first to admit I haven't gone down to the bottom of the well, yet. I think I'm almost ready to.

Secondly, you can hire muses? Fuck. I didn't know that. Muses for me, have always been love interests that I feel a powerful chemistry with and attraction to, but for some reason, something inside me keeps me from getting too close or them from getting too close. It's a pull me/push me nightmare with a lot of passion and sexual frustration. There's never sex, because I think deep down, I know the sex will take away from the creative, idealized side of the connection. A lot of times they're unavailable people themselves. But between the chemistry and the inability to have them or consummate an emotional and physical relationship, that torture juice fuels a lot of my creativity. It's like being around them creates this electric frenzy inside of me where I can see and feel everything. I want to tell them everything, show them everything, but they're not really listening or don't know what I'm talking about, so it challenges me to communicate in very truthful or emotional ways that exceed my natural daily ability (or maybe willingness). These people drive me crazy, but they allow me to do my best work, so I'm always terrified when they're gone gone. It's like losing your energy source. Sometimes you can internalize a muse, but it's so much easier with an external muse. The juice is so much more powerful and raw. I don't know if Queen Latifah could shape me up...I felt like her character didn't really become as prominent and fleshed out as I thought she would be...but I definitely wouldn't mind a calm and soothing companion around me when I go into my cave and jump down that well. I always worry about my ability to come back.

I don't know what's going to happen in the next months. I've made up my mind that I'm diving into the well, but this time I want to reach the bottom. I know I disappear whenever I attempt this, but a lot of it has to do with the fact that when I devote myself fully to my creativity, I have trouble controlling my external manifestations, so my personality gets all over the place, and that's something that I don't feel comfortable with people seeing...my distinct personality inconsistencies and splits. But I want everyone in my life to know, that this time, I'm coming from a place of more strength and inner integrity than I've ever had in my life, that diving into the well won't destroy the real me, but it will help me integrate whatever it is that I feel I left behind in those depths. I hope by giving complete power to my creative, abstract side, it will lead me to where I need to go and eventually integrate all my pieces and set me free. And that once I have achieved better integrity and consistency with my outward personality, that I will finally be able to allow people that I want and whose company I enjoy to get close to me. It's all theoretical, isn't it? But these are my hopes, and I hope that even if I'm not physically around or if I seem to be a mess, that all those people that I've had deep connections with and have helped change in some way, whether friends, family or strangers, will also be there for me in spirit when I dive, and that their good will and positive energy will help me find my way home.