privately

before i left, dr. shakir asked me to record all of the details of my life, down to how often i was having sex, into a journal so he and i could track things. my mom said he was almost skipping when he came out of examination room, he looked so happy.

really? do people think it's really that easy to get me to spill?

well, i've been trying to keep track of things, though i'm very very lazy because my life is so easy that every day, something new or amazing or heart-wrenching happens. i remember days by moments that seem to all run together, rather than dates and times. only that:

you would not believe how good it is to be with the only other person you accept as yourself.

you would not believe how powerful, how painful, how elevatingly emotional it is to be with the only other person you accept as yourself.

i had my first day of work today.

first time getting close to people after having been incubating in david's cocoon.

i couldn't believe what the universe had prepared for me.

my job is to wear an orange t-shirt in a high traffic intersection that proclaims i'm a tourist information provider and i am more than happy to provide you conversation or knowledgeable advice about amsterdam, or whatever else you might need, provided that you speak english. sometimes i would convince them to come to our comedy show. if there were ever a dream job for someone whose greatest love is talking to strangers, i would die of a spontaneous orgasm.

my partner was a tall 25 year-old from vancouver named neil. my new boss ken told me he was their top seller. he makes me feel like we're teenagers who have lived down the street together since we were 6. we set up in a busy intersection by the church next to the Anne Frank house, set up our map on wheels and immediately, people would be drawn to our giant map, even though they held the same identical map in their hands which obviously has done them no good. this city confuses everyone senseless. but yet it had no problem employing me, someone who has been wandering around on a space cake morning coffee routine for 3 weeks, with ridiculous amounts of good food and even more ridiculous amounts of good sex disabling any kind of sensible perception of direction. yet someone has trusted me to help these people get to where they needed to go.

so you kind of learn. we were supposed to assess the english speakers walking by and help them. anyone who wanted more, you gave them more. one woman wanted to know about my skin and wanted skin like mine, so i gave her advice, though i don't think i have particularly good skin. but she seemed happy about having the conversation and i was happy to have it. neil thought it was funny that a couple from miami gave me a 1 euro tip for making a big production of pulling out the map and marking our position, just to draw a dot next to the circle because the place was a few hundred yards around the corner. i did it mostly because it amused me, but americans always feel obligated to tip. just ask yourself how you feel about having to tip when you buy a bottle of water from starbuck's.

he insisted on sharing his food with me, making me an amazing sandwich of pickled herring, onions and pickles. maybe i just liked it because i'd never had it before, and with me, new is almost always good. he wanted to know why i was here and i repeated the same story, that i'm here because i have a boyfriend here and am living here for a few months. but hours later when he asks again, i admit i'm a writer. i tell him the story of how i quit my job and found david, and we talked about how sometimes when a man just knows, he just knows. he tells me he's 25 and i tell him that's beautiful and to have fun because the right thing will be waiting for him when he's ready to take that on. he likes that he has complete freedom right now, that he's only been living in this city the last couple of months because he came out to england for a cousin's wedding and he just decided that he may as well stay here for a while since he was already in europe. i haven't yet admitted in magic.

we pack up and we've made 16 euros in tips. we split it and we ride home. we talk about our lives, where we're from. he's from vancouver, having taught english in korea for a while. he would like to move on to teach english in eastern europe, maybe the czech or croatia. my heart jumps because i've always wanted to visit croatia. i admitted that i was an exec in a software company and without realizing i was going to, i said fuck it to my entire life and just decided i only wanted to be happy.

we had 2 hours to kill before our meeting so i rode my bike home after dropping off the mobile. i went to my place in the red light, and saw 2 girls in their windows. just their legs for a brief second as i rode by, but it still bothered me. 50 euros for a suck and fuck. i like to say it because it hurts so i often find myself repeating it to myself throughout the day.

was late to the meeting somehow. just sitting outside, afraid to approach. when i went in, i was apologetic and people were sitting around, joking. someone said, all people from california are crazy. they were laughing about it. and when i asked him why?, they all laughed. ken said, they were all just talking about where you're from before you came. later, that same guy said that ken had mentioned where my boyfriend worked. he must have overheard me when i was talking to neil in the back when we'd first met to get the mobile. i wondered why they were talking about me.

they were going to meet up for a beer after the meeting and neil told me it's what they do to get to know each other. i didn't have my bike, because the weirdest thing happened today. the lock just would not unlock when i needed to come back for the meeting, so i had to walk. i saw neil outside and asked him how far leidseplein was. he said i could follow him and i told him that i didn't have my bike. he said it was far but i said it was cool because i'm a very fast walker. he thought about it and asked me if i wanted to ride two. i would have to sit on the plastic ledge behind his seat. he said he's been able to do it alright so far, and i said i'd never done it before. he handed me his backpack and umbrella, took off pedaling, and i had to jump on the back and throw my arm around his waist, hanging on for dear life. we rode this way and even though it took a lot of energy to stay balanced, hold 2 bags with one hand and a guy's waist with the other while keeping my both my feet off the ground, out of the stokes and away from the pedal, we had a really pleasant conversation. he told me about his apartment, how it's a converted classroom in an old school but it's really amazing. he said he got lucky when he placed an ad on an expat website. lucky. he's another one of those lucky guys, like david.

when we hit a major bump and we had to stop, he said he was amazed i lasted for as long as i did. we ended up walking together the rest of the way, talking. i'm really glad that he's the one i got paired up with. getting along is easy with him. at the bar, i sit with a couple of the other promoters i recognized from the meeting and meet a few new staff. it seems that everyone knows i'm out here because of a boyfriend. i wonder if i'm going to be perceived as that girl who wants everyone to know she has a boyfriend which i find obnoxious, but it keeps coming up when people ask why i'm here and i know they're expecting to hear me say (as with so many people), i'm here for the drugs. but but maybe that's what i'm saying because in this realm, being out here for a boyfriend is my cover story. i have been secretive about being a writer. sometimes people get self-conscious when they're being photographed. same goes when people think you're really watching/listening to them, and you might be writing this all down somewhere.

it's time for me to go home. there's a clean, sharp-cheeked guy with sparkling eyes and an earphone in one ear who has switched to my side of the tables. he's been listening in to our conversations for a while. we had shared a moment when we had looked at each other and our pupils dilated. something primal inside of us both snarled in attention, but i smirked as soon as i felt it, and his eyes narrowed though he smiled in recognition, too. i think he works here so we will eventually meet, but he's looking at me like he'd like to know how fast i can run, if i would challenge him enough to make it worthwhile to try to catch me. this energy is too dangerous to even invite in, but it never fails to pluck of wire of temptation. when i stand up to leave, i say goodbye, not making eye contact with him. neil is working a festival this weekend even though he doesn't know what it is. i tell him it's a pretty big festival and he says that he's free on sunday and would like to check it out, so maybe he could meet up with my boyfriend and i.

i can't see david being very happy if i'm making new male friends. especially if they're breaking our partnership bubble. it is because he's jealous, but it's not unwarranted. i have a tendency to recognize my soulmates. and those connections tend to run deep, though i try hard to honor life's commitments (or not make any) while being true to the nature and purpose of the connection. it's a lot to ask a partner to understand. but another reason i know he'll be unhappy. he always knows which guys are being affected by me, just like i know which girls are being affected by him. when i connect with someone, there's a kind of love there. platonic, but still love. and that can be uncomfortable to see coming out of someone you want a total heart-body-mind-soul commitment from. but the feeling is mutual; i have to admit, i get more jealous than i ever imagined it was possible for me to get. so maybe for us to have the type of relationship we have, we have to make certain compromises. but i'm okay with it. i'm willing to not impose judgment and see where it goes because i've tried being in control and living a certain way that people have told me to live. now i just want to see where this is going.