without endings there are no beginnings.
that was how this journey began.
without breaking the old, you can't make way for the new.
even if the new has the same face as the old.

i went to a new chiropractor today. he broke up scar tissue in my body. he was surprised how i worked through it and didn't cry or complain. he said i was really tough. he said it's the men who usually holler and cry...women are just tougher. i told him when it comes to things that need to be done, facing pain, the worst i might do is cuss, but usually i giggle.

i told him that the person i'm dating picks up my pain psychically. i told him how the night i left, i'd tried to help him work out pain in his left shoulder. the next day, i had pain in my right shoulder in the same place under the shoulder blade. a few days later, he had a headache and as soon as i got off the phone, i had a blinding headache. the doctor said he hoped that by healing me, it would heal him.

also, when i told him about how he psychically picks up my pain, the doctor said, yeah, he's the one. he's your soulmate.

i thought about it. it felt like so long ago that i still believed in soulmates, like an echo when i never realized the original sound was gone.

i told him yes, he and i both recognized each other when we first met. in fact, i'd been having dreams about him months before, even knew his name.

wow, the doctor said. you have a really good life.

i thought about it. i said:

sometimes you have to be careful though. sometimes soulmates come into your life strong, but it turns out they weren't meant to stay but they're just meant to help move you towards where you're supposed to be.

he was quiet for a bit, his hands dropping to his lap as he contemplated.

that's true, too, he finally said, quietly.

inside, something in me cringed. truth is truth but it still hurts to hear it sometimes.

when the session was over, he told me i struck him as someone who really saw things, and told me again that i have a really good life.

i thanked him and meant it.

the sadness never hit me, at least not all at once.

it started as a trickle, and no matter who reached out with kindness or what strangers tried to give me warmth, it felt like drops of heat that filled me, tumbling me down down down inside myself until i was laying in it.

what you exchange for being able to see and feel more consciously, is a painfully conscious awareness that whatever the truth may be, whether you want it or not, you will always have to accept it.

it's what i always wanted. but is this a good life? can truth intersect what i want?