Real New Year's Eve

I'm supposed to be compassionate today. I'm supposed to be compassionate by nature but sometimes I don't know what that means when it sounds an awful lot like letting things slide into dishonesty. But what the hell. I'll go for it. I don't care about much anymore these days except just getting back to my home.

We all just got back from Maui. The last few weeks have taken me to Vegas, Big Sur, a crazy Christmas Eve feast at my parents house and Hawaii.

We headed out to Vegas for just a day. We stayed at the new Trump Towers in a suite that was one of the nicest hotel rooms I've ever been in. The place doesn't have a casino, but since all the rates were so low, we figured it would be a good time to get a great deal on a really nice hotel. It had an amazing view of the strip and everything was really classy. We planned to only stay for one night but the next day we ended up getting snowed in by that freak storm. I thought the lady from Southwest was lying when I talked to her about why we couldn't fly out. We're in the desert! It doesn't snow! But when we walked outside, indeed, the cars had high fades of white. I bet $10 on the Warriors to beat the lowly Pacers and they lost, and I got the most wicked case of food poisoning/stomach flu I've ever encountered. I was still throwing up at the airport before we got on the plane, but one of the attendants gave me Benadryl which got me through the flight. It was pretty brutal because we were supposed to have a day of rest before heading to Big Sur, but instead, we only have a couple of hours which I stayed in bed trying to feel better. We finally made it out, getting to the cabin just before they closed for the night.

We got locked out of our cabin on the second night. We were outside toasting marshmallows when I wanted to go inside and wash my hands, only to find the door locked. I tried it, David tried it and we decided to check the check-in booth even though it was an hour after closing to see if there was someone there or a number we could call. Turns out there was a number for emergencies but since our phones were inside the cabin, we had to use the payphones. I tried to call the number collect but it was an automated menu, so we ran into a guy at the recycling bin and he lent us some change. We called the number again and the system gave us another number to call. I called that number collect and the woman who answered just hung up. We had to walk around until we found someone else at their campsite, a German guy by the sound of it, who lent us 50 cents to try again. We called the woman and she apologized for not recognizing my name as one of the campers. We told her the situation and she said she'd be out in a few minutes. I felt really bad because she has a 2 year old at home and it was late, but we really didn't want to sleep outside at night.

We headed back to our cabin and waited. As a joke I said that we should try the door again to make sure we were really locked out or we would look like idiots. So we tried the door, bu this time it opened. wtf. It was so bizarre. So we panicked about what to do. We were going to look like idiots. David thought we should grab the key before we locked ourselves out again so that in case she couldn't open the door, we would have the key. We stood there panicking and then I closed the door...a few seconds before she drove up. She opened the door for us and we thanked her, waiting for her car lights to disappear before laughing and saying wtf. It was so bizarre, like some higher being playing a joke on us.

We headed back to Fremont and chilled for a few days getting ready for Christmas Eve. I was cooking the feast I usually cook on Thanksgiving for about 20-30 people, and I was excited because Rie and Eric were coming, as well as my friend Sarah from softball as kids and her husband Jef. I got about 4 hours of sleep the nights leading up to it because I had to start baking early, but ended up getting most of it out on the table and hot. The menu featured fresh-herb roasted turkey with cornbread and jalepeno stuffing, french bread stuffed with gruyere, mushrooms stuffed with crabcake, praline yams, parmesan garlic mashed potatoes, cheddar/jack-pepper mac & cheese and regular mac & cheese, cajun green bean bake, rosemary roasted potatoes, turkey gravy, fresh cranberry-ginger sauce, a caramel toffee cheesecake and two kinds of pecan pie - chocolate pecan and coconut pecan. We also had chocolate oatmeal cookies and a sugar-cookie decorating station where we let people decorate their own cookies. Mine came out looking so retarded, I tried to claim they were the work of my 3 and 5 year old cousins.

It was great to see the whole family and also have friends around, and everyone met David. We stayed up pretty late, but had to be up at 6 the next morning to catch our flight to Hawaii. Otherwise, I would have loved to spend more time, especially with Sarah and Jef since they live in Florida and I only see them once every few years.

I started crying when I laid down for bed. Not like distressed sobbing, but a kind of silent weeping, like some valve in my heart had opened filling my being with an overwhelming pain where I understood that time stops for no one and nothing, and I only bear witness. This in turn, opened up valves in my eyes and as I lay in bed, they just streamed. It felt like laying there as my heart bleed and my eyes leaked. It hurt...everything hurt, in a way where I was seeing things as they were and simultaneously accepting them so I was not resisting, but the realization still hurt and I had to let it flow through me in order for it to pass. It was a great amount of pain but in a way, it felt like it was important that I feel all these feelings that were passing through because the worst thing that could happen was for them to get stuck inside me.

Hawaii was good because we had a giant group including my cousins Bohr and Bing. I'm probably closest to Bohr of all my cousins. It was raining for the most part in Maui, but we did get a chance to surf a couple of times, scuba-dive for the first time and see a sea turtle while snorkeling (they're amazing creatures). There was some drama between David and I. There's always drama between David and I. But outside of that, I loved being there and being around my family.

My hopes out of 2009:

To get back to the place I found in early 2008 and honor it.

i wasn't prepared for how much it hurts. i'm sorry, i wasn't.

Okay. the Happier exercises i've been putting off. turning them in on the last day.

Sentence stems then answers.

Being in love means...finding the one. finding my home. being a safe haven for the one i love. finding someone that i would do anything for, not out of obligation which is how a lot of people get me to do things, but because i truly want to, great or small. i want to know everything about this person, i want to know every high, every low, every scratch, every trauma. every rivalry, every achievement, every love. i want to feel the breadth of life through their fingers, understand their path and how they got to become the person i know. i want them to tell me, because they are so positive of their love for me and feel it so tangibly, that all of these things are just the inevitable stories that brought us together. by sheer will i want to wash away corners of their darkness and give them a safe place to truly rest and feel at peace. it means i can finally feel at home being consistently the person i am knowing that it is safe and brings happiness to the only person who sees me. it means wanting to know everything, every feeling, every thought, every sensation, by way of knowing and the peace it comes with. being in love means knowing someone deeply and being known deeply and the bond being real. it means me having the freedom to expand and show who i really am, and being not just accepted, but loved for it. it means looking at my partner and knowing he is as much a part of my life and my destiny, that he's as familiar to me as my own body. it means trust, that i will fight to the death anyone who dares to threaten you, and should i ever be blindsided, you always fight for me. it means knowing for sure, because there can only be one, and everyone else was someone who helped to prepare me to recognize the one. it means knowing that you have come from where i've come and are going where i am going. it means i finally give up my secrets, though they weren't so much secrets as things i couldn't seem to get people to understand. being in love for me, means i finally got something that i really wanted because it's actually mine.

to be a better friend...i could clear up my issues and obsessions so i have more time and attention to keep up with their lifes and their welfare. i always felt that if there is a good connection with someone, no matter how much time passes, they will always be there. i know sometimes i can fall out of touch for years, a decade. some of it has to do with my feelings about my life and my environment at any given time, so if i didn't like the stage i was at, i tended to feel like people either didn't notice me or didn't like me either. mostly, sometimes i just get so obsessed with the meaning that i'm searching for, the expression that i'm looking for that it's hard for me to keep up with too many people. i always appreciate it when people get in touch with me and i always try to respond thoughtfully. i truly feel though if i could sort out my own mess and get more focused, that in itself will make me a better friend because i'll have more time, attention, energy and perspective.

to be a better partner...i would be more patient and not get frustrated so quickly. i will take more space to formulate what i'm saying, or not kick someone in the nuts figuratively just because they're being stupid in any given moment. see more of the positive and not focus on the things that need to be worked on. allow people to say what they want to say and finish, even if i disagree. not make threats to leave. not make promises i'm afraid to keep. broach difficult topics with more tact, consideration, compassion and patience. ask more questions. stop demanding things from someone who can't or doesn't want to give it. it doesn't make me or the other person feel better.

to bring 5 percent more happiness to my romantic relationship...i would argue less. when i get irritated, to bring it up in a lighter way rather than aggressively. be more patient and don't punish even if i have a right to be angry. make him feel like he has enough space to be human.

to bring 5 percent more happiness to my friendships...i would pick up the damn phone more often and actually call people.

to bring love to my life...i could not expect so much in such an idealized form, so that i could be happy with what i have.

i am becoming aware...that it comes down to two theories: you have to work at all relationships no matter what so even if a relationship seems to be clashing, you have to work through it; or, if you find the right relationship, even though there will inevitably be disagreements, overall, the two people are able to work well together cooperatively as equals. i feel the 2nd. i really, really want that.

if i take more responsibility for fulfilling my desires...i would follow my intuition and get back on track. i would stop trying to make the most out of what little i have, and go seek out the place where the resources are abundant. i would not be afraid to ask life for more, for what i deserve, and do whatever it takes for me to achieve it.

if i let go and allow myself to experience what love feels like...it feels like heaven and hell. the deciding factor is if you want it. if this particular brand of heaven and hell is the one that you suits you the best.

dec 14th commitment:

i like mysteries, but i don't want to build my life on one.

last day. last day. it's like cleaning up the last day of school. always hated it. things change so much when you don't see them every day.

with last days of school, i didn't know what might change when i came back. i like things to stay in the same place as where you left them.

it's really hard. it's been very challenging but you can't help but feel strong attachment because it meant something. you went to battle together. you wish you could just work together. but you can't force anyone to do anything. you hear the voices of the people who love you. you know they would want you to do what's true to yourself. you can't help but think that if things were really meant to be, they would work out that way no matter what. so does anything matter if everything works out the way it should in the end, as long as you are doing what you feel is always in the best of interests for you and the ones you love?

dec 14th evaluation

last year i wrote this:

I wanted to be honest that even though I’ve told lies before, it’s never been to be malicious. That’s not who I am. You see, this is what people sometimes don’t understand. Some people lie because they're assholes, or to take advantage of people, or because they're pathological, but sometimes, lies can actually be good intentions. Sometimes lies come from an honest place, more honest than the actual truth. Sometimes lies are what keep things okay, you know? What keeps people from forgetting the things that paralyze them in the middle of the night like a deadweight on their chest, what keeps the world from eating its insides out until it can’t remember what it was trying to be in the first place. Sometimes people need to believe in lies, the way they need to know their alarm clock is gonna go off at the same time every morning just because that’s the way they set it, or that the person they wake up next to is still the same person they went to sleep with. Sometimes lies keep things in the right place so you can always find them, even though the truth is, nothing, ever, stays in one place forever…no matter how much you want it to. But I want you to know that you can trust me, because I’m going to tell you everything.

what i did not take into calculation, was that you can't tell anyone anything if they don't want to hear it.

i know he said it. and for one long moment, the questions suddenly had answers and they were things i felt i could deal with. it overwhelmed me with such compassion and relief, a hope that finally, things would begin to heal, that i couldn't find words. i could only pull him into a tight hug and just feel close...his heartbeat driving the current within me. in this sudden window of being in the here and now, i thought i really saw him, thought we'd finally found our starting point where we could begin to get to know each other by finding where it was we got lost. but then he took it away.

i'm lost in understanding how i've come to this place in my life where i'm being told that i can't trust my senses.

mind control.

you get accused of it even when you're not.

maybe you are. you'll believe it if they try hard enough, but part of you hopes that they won't.

what the other side is like is lines and numbers where things come in backwards. its logic and reason and truth as cement and truth as delusion. i saw the seer who gained knowledge by blinding himself after a deep wound to his heart.

and i can not accept him because his heart isn't mine.

you have always asked me whether i've given my heart away. you've used so many people to ask me and i lie every time. i told you i will tell you the truth when i see you. i don't know why you don't believe my resolve in this. you will get the truth when i see you. just make up your mind if you're ready to get it.

why sex? because sex is where people hurt each other, intentionally, unintentionally. they don't know what it can be about. i took the time to figure it out and i found something really transformational. i had to give up my naivete to get it, but i see that the knowledge has brought a lot of positive things into my life. i'm only as honest as people allow me to be. it has to do with people not being able to handle the truth. it's hard for everyone. seriously. but the people who move on quicker are the ones who take a deep breath and just confront it with their eyes open.

live the life you want to live. if you're content, then you decide who you want in your life and who you don't. build it. right or wrong, just build it the way that makes your insides feel the most ease.

i already have a home. it's a matter of who i'm waiting for.

here i am.

december 14th, at the midway point.

sitting at the shore with everything before me.

and the truth resounds, echoing and echoing against the entire skyline and ocean before me.

and the only person that matters doesn't seem to be there.

sometimes it's not about what you want. you can want something so badly, want it so much that it's the only thing you can think about, the only thing that you want to believe, want it so badly that it feels like you'll let the entire universe collapse before you give up on it...until suddenly, there's a moment where everything stands still and you have to see things as they are, not as you want them to be.

i guess there always comes a time in a person's life where the universe wants you to see that sometimes you can want something with your entire being, but at the end of the day, you don't have any control.

sometimes the only control you have is what you do.

i've always been a fucking idiot. optimist. too much heart. thinking that if i'm realistic about my optimism, it would keep me safe. i always believed that if i want something badly enough with the right intentions, and i believe in it enough, that i'll get it. since i was born, there's really only been one thing i've ever wanted. a reunification. with the person i lost on the other side.

i'm starting to feel more and more, like the universe is teaching me a lesson. not to be cruel, but because it has to.

today i am so profoundly sad, i can't feel where i end and the universe begins. everything feels so infinite that there's no more me within it, and i'm slowly dissipating.

like smoke.

the truth is so obvious that it's hard to believe.

december 14th
the furthest point from myself within which i have the greatest perspective to see myself.

this year it falls on a sunday, the day where the line between this world and the other is almost translucent.

the first door was open on june 14th.

it makes sense for the 2nd to be on december 14th.

i can't see yet what form it will take.

is anything positive or negative if it is real? isn't what's real just what is, and everything else a subjective reaction to it?

there is free will. there is always free will. just that some dreams, bigger dreams, need two and two and they need to agree.

http://www.kachina.net/~alunajoy/94aug.html

The Grand Cosmic Clock of Creation Aluna Joy Yaxkin August 1994

To understand the Mayan calendars, I found it to be quite useful to tear into the workings of an old watch. The visual experience seeing all those variously sized gears, working together in harmony, are quite amazing. Tremendous attention had been given to mathematics and geometry to synchronize all the various gears to create the correct passage of matter through space to generate time.

The Mayan calendar is very much like the workings of a watch. These cosmic gears use perfectly synchronized, immense cog wheels, based on planets and star systems to measure the passage of matter through space to calculate time. The two dimensional gears of a watch create linear time and it is here where the similarities end. The big difference is our universe is not flat, two dimensional gears, as in the watch. Our universe is filled with variously sized spinning circles orbiting together as a complete whole creating experience, time, space, and physical reality. The planets, stars and galaxies are spiracle, and work together in three dimensional form. Unlike the illusionary time created by a mechanical watch, our universe creates time that is unending. Cycles of time continually circumnavigate in a repeating, ascending spiral that creates a pattern that suspiciously looks like a bagel! It is simple to begin to understand Mayan time by remembering the cycles of time/space of the Maya, as spiracle, not a flat two dimensional illusion of cosmic time.

To understand the workings of our universe, you need to go to the center of our cosmic clock where all the gears or cycles connect together. This cycle is the sacred calendar of the Maya, The Tzolk'in. It is still used by the traditional Maya today's as a divination tool. The Tzolk'in is based in the cycles of the Pleiades and is the center gear, of all 17 Mayan calendars. This is our grand cosmic clock. This cycle, the Tzolk'in, is the center of the cosmic web of life, a map of creation. When you begin to understand this cycle, it helps us to begin to merge with the center of our universe, our personal center and begin to break our ties to finite linear time. When we begin to cycle with the center of the universe amazing things take place. We begin to remember our cosmic heritage. We remember our connection with the stars and the creator. We begin to become energy independent, thus creating a harmonious world where we can give and receive energy freely, not buying, selling and stealing it from each other. Merging with the center of the universe helps us understand reality from many perspectives, without loosing our center. This ultimately reconnects us with the sustaining energy from the source of creation, Hunab K'u, the God of the Maya.

Because we are in human form and live on earth, it is important to understand the Tzolk'in from an Earth based perspective by adding a second calendar or cycle, the "Haab." The Tzolk’in is the cosmic perspective and the Haab is the Earth's perspective and are the two cycles that effect us directly. Understanding these two cycles will consequently hook you up to the other cycles by knowingness and resonance. Just allow the rhythm of these cycles to move you into knowingness.

The Basic Sacred Calendar
A Summary of the Mechanics of the Sacred Calendar, Tzolk'in
THE TZOLK'IN - The Cycle of the Pleiadies
The Tzolk'in is a two geared spiracle watch. It is based on the cycles of the Pleiadies (26,000 years) but is used in factual form with 260 days. The mathematics used in the Tzolk’in are 13 times 20, 13 numbers and 20 glyphs. A interesting note here is it takes Earth 26,000 years to circumnavigate the Zodiac!

The Numbers/Pulses (1-13) of the Tzolk'in are the ”movement” of the sacred calendar. The number 13 represents the spirit, the holy breath of creation. The numbers pulse in an undulating cycle of creation. Each sacred number holds a position, or intention, in the creation process and pulses creative energy in an ascending spiral. When your reach point #13 you jump up a rung of the evolutionary ladder. The Mayas used a bar-dot number system. One dot = one, One Bar = 5.

The Glyphs/Suns (1-20) of the Tzolk'in are the “measure” of the sacred calendar. They are the 20 Sun glyphs that are familiar to anyone who has been interested in the Mayan calendar. They represent the body of creation. They define, or create definition. Each Mayan Sun name, has a corresponding glyph and cycles in a regular ascending order of definition which is encoded with cosmic evolutionary information. Just as the numbers ascend from one cycle to the next, so do the 20 suns. When the 20 Suns mesh with the 13 numbers there are 260 combinations of creation. (see Sun glyph chart)

THE HAAB - The Cycle of the Solar Earth
The Haab is the solar cycle of earth. It uses 360 + 5 days. The Mathematics of the Haab is 18 times 20. (18 months of 20 days each.) The 5 extra Vayab days (July 21-25) give the Haab its next evolutionary notch up. Each cycle of the Haab starts five Suns later than the year prior, thus ascending five steps forward and changing the base energy of the current Haab. The Haab synchronizes with the Tzolk'in every 52 years, creating 18,980 individual perspectives for divination. A interesting note here is in Native American culture a person reaching 52 years old is considered an elder. This is when a person has lived through two complete cycles of the Tzolk'in and the Haab and their relationships between each other.

These numbers and glyphs of both Tzolk'in and Haab, cycle together endlessly in an ever ascending spiral of evolution. They work together like the gears in a watch. These numbers and glyphs work together to create the web of life as we experience it. In history the calendars were used by the Cosmic Maya for understanding the position of earth in the universe and the evolutionary stage we are presently in. Remnants of these calendars left behind were intended to be cosmic memory triggers and when resonated with help trigger the memory locked deep inside our DNA. In understanding the sacred cycles of time you have the opportunity to recall the knowledge of the ages.

SOLAR MEDITATION
I have discovered that working in front of the Sun has been very activating and has facilitated in clearing my past and creating my future. Here is a simple exercise you can do in front of the Sun. We all have different perspectives and what works for one person, may not resonate with another, so I share what I do as example only. Do what is in you heart to do, just do it in front of the Sun!

Find a quite place at sunset where you have a good view of the Sun. Sit, stand, whatever will make you comfortable. Take a few deep breaths. Hear the wind in the trees, hear the birds sing, feel the warmth of the earth under you bare feet, become part of the earth. Resonate with the Earth. Take notice of where your energy is drawn to. Where is your energetic orientation? You will find your sustaining energy coming from the Sun. Now look at the Sun (use personal digression), feel the heat of the Sun on your body. Feel the light filling every cell of your body. Consciously draw in the light and the heat. Recognize the sun as a friend, feel it recognize you. Resonate with the Sun. Remember the Sun is light and light is information so be aware of the incoming light.

At this point I use various forms of a prayer. The first part was inspired by Hunbatz Men, a Mayan daykeeper and elder. The second part was given to me during an incredible overnight stay at Palenque Mexico, in one of my favorite Mayan temples, the Temple of the Sun. Feel free to change it anyway you feel is appropriate for you.

Look here Father Sun,
It is me, a piece of the Sun.
I have come to you to understand
the meaning of the cosmos.
I ask I be allowed to go inside your memory
for I desire to remember.
I want to understand everything again.
I need this knowledge for the future,
so I may walk in harmony with the earth
and the stars once again.

I am the eyes that see as the creator sees.
I am the ears that hear as the creator hears.
I am the mind that knows as the creator knows.
I am the heart that feels as the creator feels.
I am the voice that speaks as the creator speaks.
I am the souls that remembers as the creator remembers.
As in you, so in me
I am now, and I am here.


This prayer opens up the mind of Hunab K'u, the God of the Maya, for us to enter into to receive cosmic understanding. Begin here to state your concerns, and hand them to the Sun. Ask the Sun to resolve these concerns. Continue by stating your desires and dreams, and hand them to the Sun. Ask the Sun to manifest these dreams. As the Sun is almost completely set, say good by to the Sun. Pay close attention to your energy orientation as the last bit of sun slips behind the horizon. Notice how the energy of earth shifts greatly when the sun's rays are no longer hitting it, Notice the bird's songs, the heat difference. Most of all notice your energy orientation. You will discover it has changed greatly. You will find that you are being sustained by millions of stars that you can't even see yet. You are receiving information from the cosmos. Say hello to the universe in all its expansive wonder, and thank it for its sustaining energy. This Sun meditation can also be executed in reverse, at dawn. "Evam Maya e ma ho" All hail to the harmony of all mind and nature.

Copyright © 1994 - Permission is granted to copy and redistribute this article on the condition that the content remains complete, full credit is given to the author(s), and that it is distributed freely.

27 29 12
12 12 50
11 15 78

those have been important.

i run on dreams.
tell me your secrets
in exchange, i might give you your dreams.

there was evidence in the dreams. someone was in there pulling, like the will of fingers behind a ouija planchette.
i tried to catch who it was who was doing it but they disappeared around the corner of the stairs from when i was six.

sometimes i see signs in objects. sometimes in dreams, objects from the day before come to me confusing me with their confusion about why they had been chosen to become part of my day.

i won't be this person for much longer. and that makes me sadder than anything else.

i am happier than everyone else. most of it has to do with ignorance.

no one can be lost at sea if the sea is an island created by the machinations of a child's dream. transformation. transmutation. sheer ignorance coupled with a determined will to believe.

somewhere, someone has to think it first.

there was evidence of nothing.
one boy couldn't feel his snout

i'm molting.

i'm about to change again.

i think i passed. now a greater test begins.

how many of my worlds can i put in the same room?

i had an amazing night last night. i've always had a love/hate relationship with november. it drives me hard, it demands so much from me, but afterwards, i'm always left with a longing for torrential storms and poetry when it's gone.

this one was a culmination of 2008, a retrospective and celebration.

where i'm going next, i don't know. but it looks like i won't have to take the leap alone.