here i am.

december 14th, at the midway point.

sitting at the shore with everything before me.

and the truth resounds, echoing and echoing against the entire skyline and ocean before me.

and the only person that matters doesn't seem to be there.

sometimes it's not about what you want. you can want something so badly, want it so much that it's the only thing you can think about, the only thing that you want to believe, want it so badly that it feels like you'll let the entire universe collapse before you give up on it...until suddenly, there's a moment where everything stands still and you have to see things as they are, not as you want them to be.

i guess there always comes a time in a person's life where the universe wants you to see that sometimes you can want something with your entire being, but at the end of the day, you don't have any control.

sometimes the only control you have is what you do.

i've always been a fucking idiot. optimist. too much heart. thinking that if i'm realistic about my optimism, it would keep me safe. i always believed that if i want something badly enough with the right intentions, and i believe in it enough, that i'll get it. since i was born, there's really only been one thing i've ever wanted. a reunification. with the person i lost on the other side.

i'm starting to feel more and more, like the universe is teaching me a lesson. not to be cruel, but because it has to.

today i am so profoundly sad, i can't feel where i end and the universe begins. everything feels so infinite that there's no more me within it, and i'm slowly dissipating.

like smoke.