i know he said it. and for one long moment, the questions suddenly had answers and they were things i felt i could deal with. it overwhelmed me with such compassion and relief, a hope that finally, things would begin to heal, that i couldn't find words. i could only pull him into a tight hug and just feel close...his heartbeat driving the current within me. in this sudden window of being in the here and now, i thought i really saw him, thought we'd finally found our starting point where we could begin to get to know each other by finding where it was we got lost. but then he took it away.

i'm lost in understanding how i've come to this place in my life where i'm being told that i can't trust my senses.