a gemini self portrait

ask questions twice in quick succession, forwards then backwards. you should get a forwards then backwards answer and these answers should be complementary. if the answers are the same, if you get no answer or feel physiological changes inside the person as they answer, there is a problem. Not necessarily a lie or dishonesty, but the person is on some level aware they are not being completely honest.

the question then, is always why.

i've found mountains and anthills, as well as anthills perceived as mountains, mountains perceived as anthills.

(yes, it's from the play closer. it's a craving. i can't watch the movie without it giving me longings of obsessive thought. but it's definitely one of the best works of modern, urban literature. i say that because so many of the words, their meanings and the way they're arranged, tickle the hell out of my brain)

Larry (smiles): Don't get lippy.
I liked your book, by the way.

Dan: Thanks...You Stand Alone.

Larry: With Anna. I'm not sucking your literary cock but I did quite like it--because it was 'humane' (surprisingly). You should write another one.

Dan (shrugs): Haven't got a subject.

Beat

Larry: When I was nine, a policeman touched me up.
He was my uncle. Still is. Uncle Ted.
Nice bloke, married, bit of a demon darts player.

Don't tell me you haven't got a subject--every human life is a million stories.

Thank God life ends--we'd never survive it.

trust me. you get the most out of me as a friend.

one day you're gonna jump so high, the world's not gonna be here when you come back down.

musiK is music when it is stripped of its market value. It is the naked German beauty.
Being at the centre of man’s innermost reality, musiK is probably the wildest expression of the omnipotent might embodied by the great requiem. It is the impotent shiver performed by the descending lonesome violin. It is the spotless expression of enlightenment and its ‘highly praised’ tempered tonality. It is the sublime oud indecisive tonality digging into the Arabian night.
Unlike visual art, which composes beauty out of shapes, colours and matter, unlike prose, which integrates words into meanings and narratives, musiK is all about musiK. In other words, musiK is all about man, man’s emotions, intimate desires, pain, hysteria, tranquillity, lust, love, frustration, liberation and indifference. musiK is the search for oneself; musiK is the search in itself. musiK is mankind at his very best.

Keep true to the dreams of your youth.

sometimes the masterpiece, after it comes to life, doesn't acknowledge or thank the creator, and that can make the creator feel used. 

certain words have a spatial echo for me.

time
space
infinity
large
small
echo
energy
feeling
universe
connection
lost
night
sleep
dream
shadow

more than anything it's just sad. i'm thankful for the memories. i'm thankful for the experience. he's a good person. there was no loss of love. it's just...i don't know...life. sometimes you have to step aside and let god do his job.

waiting for answers that will never come, for a person who was never there, for a promise of truth as empty as the dreamer's eyes.

i put all of my faith in a carrot.

"what is it that i'm waiting for?" always a whirlwind of poetry but never an answer. how could i possibly stay when it became too painfully obvious? always a "wait and see...it's coming," always in the horizon. never a reality. i think the truth is, there never was a place for me. i was led on. i was manipulated. i allowed myself to become blinded by my own dreams to dismiss the glaring signs. there is no one sadder about it than me. but i stood up.

why, in the face of the obvious, is it so difficult for me to believe in never? my fatal flaw is that i believe in the impossible. i believe in miracles. i'm not going to throw out the good with the bad. i'm just going to trust myself more next time.

"what's financially?"

i've decided to post things i've been keeping private the last couple of weeks. why hold it in? enjoy.

when trust has been repeatedly broken, can you believe anything when everything sounds like just more empty promises to be broken whenever convenient? don't they say once a liar, always a liar, because people who lie constantly are so used to lying, that they no longer can tell the different between truth and lying anymore? that's the scary thing. that a person can so completely lose their sense of truth and morality that they can no longer realize when they are lying to themselves and others. that when called out, they can always justify it as someone else's fault. it's weak. it's dangerous.

i've definitely learned the value of honesty and trust. that trust is earned, and people who demand your trust when they don't warrant it or even show that they value or recognize honesty is a dangerous game to play with your emotions and feeling of self worth.

i'm having a really good time with sarah and jef. it's been a very healing time. they have been so amazingly supportive, having opened up their home and hearts to me, and it really reminds me of how wealthy i am in terms of people who love me. in truth, i know it's because i give so much love back to this world, that this is also a reflection of what a good person i am that i have such amazing people around me. i've been so exhausted for such a long time, that i do a lot of sleeping. it really does feel like recuperation. i can feel the exhaustion down to the marrow of my bones.

i'm finally able to talk about this...the scariest thing about the last ten months was the not wanting to live. all the times i wanted to throw myself in front of a tram. i realize now it didn't have so much to do with not valuing my life or not wanting to live anymore, but because i was so goddamn exhausted i would have done anything to rest. it's like when you're really tired from being up all night, you would do anything to be able to close your eyes and rest, even for 5 minutes. i was so emotionally, mentally and physically tired, throwing myself in front of a tram seemed like a reasonable (though irrational) solution because i was so tired. i would do anything just to rest for 5 minutes, even if it meant being in a coma or dying.

it's so scary to think that i was that close to the edge where i could be so desperate for rest as to jeopardize my life. i'd never felt that kind of complete exhaustion in my life before. i've had to deal with quite a bit of stress in my life, i've worked on insurmountable projects, i am a really strong person who can take on a lot and be unrelenting with reaching my goals, but i've never experienced anything so comprehensively exhausting. i think the problem was i was trying to move a mountain that couldn't or didn't want to move. it was an impossible task to begin with. i've started opening up to my close friends about the exhaustion, about how all i wanted to do was rest, all i wanted to do was lay down all the burden on my shoulders and close my eyes for a bit, but day in, day out, it was the same thing, being attacked and having to fight someone who supposedly cared about me when in truth, they only cared about themselves and their own feelings. trying to reason, trying to point out things, trying to mirror the negative and push for the positive to no avail. it was like being stuck in an impossibly difficult and painful circumstance, but being told that if you leave, you're an awful person. and a quitter. and the thing is, i'm not a quitter. my fear of quiting is almost a character flaw. i can't take being accused of quitting, and that became my downfall. the thing is, there's a difference. there's a huge difference between giving up and admitting the obvious. there's a massive difference between quitting and walking away from something destructive because it's not good for you and you have enough self-worth to want to preserve yourself.

i did nothing wrong outside of wanting to be loving and good to someone and i resent all the times i was told that everything was my fault, or being blamed, or being flat out lied to. i did not deserve to have my sense of self or my sense of trust destroyed that way. NO
WAY. my good intentions didn't matter whatsoever, nor did my thoughts or feelings. what the fuck? seriously, what the fuck, julia? i became so disappointed with myself, so angry with myself. why would i put myself in that situation? it's because my heart is too soft. it's because i can't believe that if you care enough, you can't eventually break through all walls.

but it's not about caring enough or being strong enough or how much love you have to give. it's about being honest about the situation. are you in an impossible situation with no chance of change? do you value yourself enough to walk away from a destructive situation or person? do you recognize that there's a time and place for being willing to take care of yourself first and foremost when it matters most, and it's not selfish as much as healthy? because at the end of the day, no one will look out for your welfare and safety more than yourself. you have to trust yourself to let in the people who are positive to you, and keep out the people who are destructive. you have to recognize that you are human, and that you can help people, but you can never save a drowning person who adamantly intends to drown.

it's nuts to me that i put out so much energy into an impossible situation to the point that it drained me so much i could no longer look out for my very desire to live. NO RELATIONSHIP SHOULD EVER MAKE YOU WANT TO END IT. that is the ultimate sign of a bad relationship. no matter how good my intentions were, i should have never given so much of myself away so that i could be bled so dry as to be on the brink of emotional, spiritual almost literal death.

i will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever allow myself to be put in that kind of position. i don't know why i didn't see it at the time, but i let myself down. i am worth more than that. i am too strong, beautiful and deserving of happiness for that. i will never allow anything outside of me to hurt me that way again. i will never take on other people's problems to the point it threatens to destroy me. i will never allow another person to tell me i'm less than i am again, to blame me for things that are not my responsibility, or to belittle and disrespect me that way again. i will never accept such lack of appreciation. they say no one can disrespect you without your permission and it's true. i will respect myself enough to never give someone permission to mess with my insides. that is my promise to myself. and i'm someone who keeps my promises.

rewatched closer with sarah and jef last week. it's one of my favorite movies that seems to deepen my understanding of life the more i live it.

quotes that echoed in my head:

and on some small level, i think you owe me for deceiving me so exquisitely.

and

how can one man be so endlessly disappointing?

"I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

some people simultaneously live on two planes of reality.

so many people dream about how life could be when they don't make create it within what life is. we have so much power in our hands, our hearts, our beings. we could help each other.

safe at home
my soul is open to the entire world
everywhere, i hear the echoes of people
it's like i'm watching their lives unfold, with or without me
everything happening inside of them
but entire universes

sometimes i don't know if they're real or not
so i just always try to think of them positively just in case

my emotions are three dimensionally visual
i can light you in light
i can light you in dark
as long as you tell me where your core is
your deepest secret
i can build you from the ground up with my mind
because my secret is i'm blind

you want it bad enough
i'll give it to you until things stop adding up

but if i stopped turning these lights on real people
and projected them into realms that don't exist
i could get a lot more done

sometimes i wonder how hard i really want to be useful
how much i really want to share

because it really is more fun getting inside of people
even though it hurts a little more

technology is right now. how information travels. how to find a universal language. you can feel it in the air in aquarius. blue lightning. smell of fresh rain on cement. dramatic winds. blue. everything's blue. but only if you're quick enough to catch it from the corner of your eye. the next stage is a common language that unlocks everything, simultaneous understanding on multiple levels.

the problem is, you are human and i am not. everyone has got to be kinder. doesn't mean i stop being honest. it just means take the kind route whenever possible, even if it totally hurts. be a bigger person.

that was the one thing my parents always instilled in me. no matter what, always be the bigger person. i learned not to be the mean person. i learned not to be the manipulative person. i learned not to be the coward. i learned not to be angry with walls. bigger meant not being harder. not being higher. not being overpowering. it ultimately meant exercising the discipline to let go, so that no matter what happened, you wouldn't let it hurt you in any place that will kill you. you believe that you will always be able to heal. it meant seeing that no matter what someone's age, sometimes people behave like children, so you have to be understanding (though never enabling), and show them a strong example of character. or you do your best to. it's hard being human, but it's just what you strive for.

truth hands

sarah and jef have something they call "truth hands."

sarah and jef have two cats.

one called killer who was jef's cat from his life in indiana before he met sarah. the story is that one night, coming home from work, jef got out of his truck to find a kitten nearby. he never wanted a cat so he walked away but found that the kitten followed him, all the way to the stairs of his apartment. as he walked up, he saw the kitten struggling up the stairs that were almost too big for him. he decided that if the kitten made it all the way up the stairs and through the door of his apartment, he'd keep him.

this is how killer chose jef.

the other is truth.

sarah and jef decided to find a companion together for killer. they had also just moved to florida and maybe there's just something lonely about florida.

they were at the shelter and sarah saw the name truth. all they could see of truth were two tiny little ears peeking out of a food bowl.

sarah remembers a life changing paper she wrote in college where she had to decide on one core philosophy and apply it to different issues, and she had chosen truth as her life philosophy.

this is how sarah chose truth.

truth is a broken cat. she was taken away from her mother too young, and received treatments too early that made her sick. truth never quite looks you in the eye and you have to be very careful when you touch her, showing her you have the purest of intentions.

since jef and killer bonded in a very rough, masculine way, sarah describes to jef the act of being gentle as "truth hands." it's being able to put the ego completely down and be open.

sometimes, even if it hurts you, you have to use "truth hands" because it's the kindest thing to do.

i'm in a great mood today. a bit of a rollercoaster, but it was raining today, so it was very peaceful to be home.

tomorrow i start a new era. new gym.

actually two new gyms. one on each coast. that's been a real positive. gyms are like homes to me and having new expansive places to explore has been exactly what i need.

today was a day filled with beauty and light.

honey, your kids are on drugs:


i love folk implosion.

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i refer back to this quote:

why cry over a guy who makes you cry? if a guy makes you cry, he's not worth crying over.

*****

it's nothing but words. words and words and more words. they're like greeting cards. generic little feel good blurbs, offers of hope that apply to anyone, that apply to no one. they're said because you expect it's what i want to hear but where's the substance? i have a brain. i have eyes. i have heart. i can see if the words have nothing behind them. i know your history of actions. you'll say anything when you're scared to lose, but as soon as you have what you want, you sit in your corner and forget about any promises you ever made. didn't think i noticed that, did you? maybe you didn't either. you don't want me. when it comes to what you want, your feelings and needs always come first. you don't respect me. you are just too used to getting what you want from women. do you really think that's love? sounds pretty spoiled to me.

words and words and more words. with no heart. no action. no future. no connection. no effort. a stew without meat. a hearth without fire. a life with no future. the fingers of a greedy man, a needy man, offering nothing in return. but crumbs. and his ocean of hurt that he wants you to fix for him...or else. his instant ability to change face and take away all warmth and punish you when you ask him to fulfill his lofty promises.

(you want to make god laugh? tell him your excuses)

don't you know who you're talking to? don't you know who i am?

obviously not. because you offer illusions. dangling carrots of things that might be, could be, in some faraway place and future, never wanting to do the work to make them the way things are. just words and words and more words. lazy words that just don't add up to anything honest.

sometimes a person only knows words, because he's lost his sense of truth. open up, butterfly. anything short of a complete confession, you lose.

oh the lies. all the lies. those were a riot. i almost destroyed myself over how often i fell for the lies. how disappointed i was over your inability to take responsibility, to be strong and honest. stupid girl, always trusting. until i realized the door was open and i am free to walk out and not put up with this unworthy bullshit. to never look back. and then i remembered who i am. my strength. i remembered truth. i am beautiful for trusting. you are weak for lying.

what you did was wrong on so many levels. i don't owe you anything. intimacy is not playing 20 questions to piece together the mystery of your partner, fearing the uncovering of more lies, the unveiling of a coward. there are enough amazing people in this world who want you to get to know the real them than to pull teeth with someone who doesn't.

nothing but truth will touch me anymore. i won't be tricked again. your words are empty boxes, gift wrapped with nothing inside. you'll never catch me falling for empty promises again. i deserve better. i am better. i deserve people who love me in a way that is loving and positive, and not painful and destructive. it really is that simple. i will never get bullied or talked out of the happiness i know i deserve again.

as for you, figure it out or don't. it never was my problem. i was nice enough to help, but it was never my problem. it was yours. i'm tired of going in circles because you love your words and excuses more than you love truth.

trust

in 5th grade, there was this girl, mary christian. she was tall with long, straight brown hair and a face that kind of looked like a horse. but i hung out with her because she read a lot and we could always talk about books. she once told me that her mom made the best butterscotch. being the food nut that i was, since i'd never had butterscotch, i asked her if i could try some. she said that she could sell me a pound for a penny. so i gave her a penny and she promised she would get some.

the next day i found her at recess and asked her if she'd brought the butterscotch. she told me her mom would make it over the weekend so she would bring it then. the next monday, i asked her about it and she told me she'd forgotten it. she managed to keep this up for a good few months with me asking her every few days, and her coming up with an excuse. it took me a really long time to realize that no one sells a pound of butterscotch for a penny, and to come to the realization that mary had lied to me and had been playing a joke at my expense. but she had me going for months. i think at first, i really wanted to try butterscotch, but then it became a desire to not realize that mary had lied to me and that i'd been so naive. 

to this day, i still want to see the best in people. i find so often, people will sell me a bill of rights to something that's pure potential, or which doesn't exist. sometimes i hate that about me. that i'm so open to trusting people and that they all have noble intentions, like me. then i remember that it's the people who are dishonest and take advantage of those who put their trust in them who are sad and incomplete.