when trust has been repeatedly broken, can you believe anything when everything sounds like just more empty promises to be broken whenever convenient? don't they say once a liar, always a liar, because people who lie constantly are so used to lying, that they no longer can tell the different between truth and lying anymore? that's the scary thing. that a person can so completely lose their sense of truth and morality that they can no longer realize when they are lying to themselves and others. that when called out, they can always justify it as someone else's fault. it's weak. it's dangerous.

i've definitely learned the value of honesty and trust. that trust is earned, and people who demand your trust when they don't warrant it or even show that they value or recognize honesty is a dangerous game to play with your emotions and feeling of self worth.

i'm having a really good time with sarah and jef. it's been a very healing time. they have been so amazingly supportive, having opened up their home and hearts to me, and it really reminds me of how wealthy i am in terms of people who love me. in truth, i know it's because i give so much love back to this world, that this is also a reflection of what a good person i am that i have such amazing people around me. i've been so exhausted for such a long time, that i do a lot of sleeping. it really does feel like recuperation. i can feel the exhaustion down to the marrow of my bones.

i'm finally able to talk about this...the scariest thing about the last ten months was the not wanting to live. all the times i wanted to throw myself in front of a tram. i realize now it didn't have so much to do with not valuing my life or not wanting to live anymore, but because i was so goddamn exhausted i would have done anything to rest. it's like when you're really tired from being up all night, you would do anything to be able to close your eyes and rest, even for 5 minutes. i was so emotionally, mentally and physically tired, throwing myself in front of a tram seemed like a reasonable (though irrational) solution because i was so tired. i would do anything just to rest for 5 minutes, even if it meant being in a coma or dying.

it's so scary to think that i was that close to the edge where i could be so desperate for rest as to jeopardize my life. i'd never felt that kind of complete exhaustion in my life before. i've had to deal with quite a bit of stress in my life, i've worked on insurmountable projects, i am a really strong person who can take on a lot and be unrelenting with reaching my goals, but i've never experienced anything so comprehensively exhausting. i think the problem was i was trying to move a mountain that couldn't or didn't want to move. it was an impossible task to begin with. i've started opening up to my close friends about the exhaustion, about how all i wanted to do was rest, all i wanted to do was lay down all the burden on my shoulders and close my eyes for a bit, but day in, day out, it was the same thing, being attacked and having to fight someone who supposedly cared about me when in truth, they only cared about themselves and their own feelings. trying to reason, trying to point out things, trying to mirror the negative and push for the positive to no avail. it was like being stuck in an impossibly difficult and painful circumstance, but being told that if you leave, you're an awful person. and a quitter. and the thing is, i'm not a quitter. my fear of quiting is almost a character flaw. i can't take being accused of quitting, and that became my downfall. the thing is, there's a difference. there's a huge difference between giving up and admitting the obvious. there's a massive difference between quitting and walking away from something destructive because it's not good for you and you have enough self-worth to want to preserve yourself.

i did nothing wrong outside of wanting to be loving and good to someone and i resent all the times i was told that everything was my fault, or being blamed, or being flat out lied to. i did not deserve to have my sense of self or my sense of trust destroyed that way. NO
WAY. my good intentions didn't matter whatsoever, nor did my thoughts or feelings. what the fuck? seriously, what the fuck, julia? i became so disappointed with myself, so angry with myself. why would i put myself in that situation? it's because my heart is too soft. it's because i can't believe that if you care enough, you can't eventually break through all walls.

but it's not about caring enough or being strong enough or how much love you have to give. it's about being honest about the situation. are you in an impossible situation with no chance of change? do you value yourself enough to walk away from a destructive situation or person? do you recognize that there's a time and place for being willing to take care of yourself first and foremost when it matters most, and it's not selfish as much as healthy? because at the end of the day, no one will look out for your welfare and safety more than yourself. you have to trust yourself to let in the people who are positive to you, and keep out the people who are destructive. you have to recognize that you are human, and that you can help people, but you can never save a drowning person who adamantly intends to drown.

it's nuts to me that i put out so much energy into an impossible situation to the point that it drained me so much i could no longer look out for my very desire to live. NO RELATIONSHIP SHOULD EVER MAKE YOU WANT TO END IT. that is the ultimate sign of a bad relationship. no matter how good my intentions were, i should have never given so much of myself away so that i could be bled so dry as to be on the brink of emotional, spiritual almost literal death.

i will never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever allow myself to be put in that kind of position. i don't know why i didn't see it at the time, but i let myself down. i am worth more than that. i am too strong, beautiful and deserving of happiness for that. i will never allow anything outside of me to hurt me that way again. i will never take on other people's problems to the point it threatens to destroy me. i will never allow another person to tell me i'm less than i am again, to blame me for things that are not my responsibility, or to belittle and disrespect me that way again. i will never accept such lack of appreciation. they say no one can disrespect you without your permission and it's true. i will respect myself enough to never give someone permission to mess with my insides. that is my promise to myself. and i'm someone who keeps my promises.