A cynical woman thinks, "All men lie." An incisive woman knows, "Weak men lie." There's a big difference. Know the difference. The difference means empowerment, choosing to only accept what will add to your life, not take away from it. Do you value yourself? Then don't ever agree to being talked into accepting less than you deserve, or you will confine yourself to deserving less.
You know what hurts my heart? People who cheat trying to get me involved in their lives. I don't want to date someone who has it in him to cheat, and I don't want someone in a commitment to try to use me to cheat. But I think the thing that I find hardest is, I know it's out there. I don't judge other people's lives or decisions. I don't care enough to if they're not in my circle. I would just prefer not to be personally involved in it, the way some people prefer brunettes, or a tall dude. If you cheat, fine, do it on your own time with your own girls, but I just don't want cheaters thinking that I'm worth dragging under a bus. It makes me really sad about the world, disappointed in people, when they can see how much it means for me to believe in positivity and innocence, that despite the inherent nature of our flawed existences, we do our best, we try our best, but they seem to have so little respect for me (or themselves) that they use my openness to devalue my ideals. The best I can do is refuse to get involved in these situations that are no good for me, but it does make me sad whenever I see this up close. I just wish people were better. Don't go into a decision if you can't carry it out, or as soon as you can't carry it out, be honest. Or if you just want a certain lifestyle, then give the other person the truth and choice of deciding if that situation works for them. Don't fucking lie.
Maybe I've got a touch of my brother in me, a bit of that obsessive-compulsiveness, mixed in with my mom's blip-length attention span, but there are certain songs that take me hours to listen to, because something about the song and its lyrics takes my mind so far away, through so many landscapes and emotions that I have to keep restarting to hear the whole song to the end. I call this list "Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By." No, wait. That's a sweet-ass album by Lovage.
Music I Get Lost In:
1. What New York Couples Fight About - Morcheeba
I seem to keep forgetting the lyrics and rediscovering them.
Favorite Line: Once a label is on something, it becomes an It. Like it's no longer alive. It's like a loss of vision, or some dark impression, or a black spot on your eye.
2. Milk - Garbage
Like being on a cliff standing over crashing waves in the middle of the night, not sure if you've already died.
Favorite Line: I am lost. So I am cruel. I'd be love and sweetness if I had you.
3. Safe In Mind - U.N.K.L.E.
An urban haunting.
Favorite Line: I like the night. The street. The smells. The sense...of another world. Sometimes you come face to face with yourself.
4. The Greatest - Cat Power
I believe I spent the majority of a train ride crying because this song is so beautiful. It still moves to me to tears sometimes when I'm traveling alone.
Favorite Line: Once I wanted to be the greatest, two fists of solid rock. With brains that could explain anything feeling...
5. Volcano - Damien Rice
This song is probably #1 Most Played on my iPod.
Favorite Line: What I am to you is not real. What I am to you you do not need. What I am to you is not what you mean to me. You give me miles and miles of mountains and I'll ask for the sea.
6. Lightning Rod - Guster
This was my theme song for the embarkment of my Germany trip. It makes me think of passing snow-covered villages and cathedrals with silver light shining through the clouds.
Favorite Line: Standing on a building, I am a lightning rod. And all these clouds are so familiar. Descending from the mountain tops the gods are threatening. I will return an honest soldier.
7. Babylon - David Gray
The first time I heard White Ladder, I was driving to Vegas in the middle of the night just to turn around and drive back. I had a lot of thinking to do. White Ladder was with me that night, and this song makes my heart sing.
Favorite Line:
Sunday all the lights of London shining, sky is fading red to blue. I'm kicking through the Autumn leaves and wondering where it is you might be going to. Turning back for home you know I'm feeling so alone I can't believe. Climbing on the stair I turn around to see you smiling there in front of me.
8. Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight - Amos Lee
This song puts me at peace.
Favorite Line: Sometimes we forget who we got. Who they are, oh, who they are not. There is so much more in love than black and white. Keep it loose child, gotta keep it tight.
9. Haunted - Poe
Favorite Line: Don't cry, there's always a way. Here in November in this house of leaves we'll pray. Please, I know it's hard to believe. To see a perfect forest through so many splintered trees. You and me, and these shadows keep on changing.
10. Extreme Ways - Moby
Helped me get through my tour of duty living with a hard man in Amsterdam. It helped me stay strong even though every day, my heart was breaking.
Favorite Line: I had to close down everything, I had to close down my mind. Too many things to cover me, too much can make me blind. I've seen so much in so many places, so many heartaches, so many faces, so many dirty things. You couldn't even believe.
11. Ophelia - Ambulance LTD
It's about Hamlet, but the lyrics are just so damn good.
Favorite Line: And babe, I'm just like the best thing, that could happen, happen to someone...
back at craigslist again
so many people might remember the whole episode where i put out an ad searching for the man i kept meeting up with in recurring dreams. and how it turned into this magical night. and that night led to a year abroad in amsterdam living in high drama (see: most of 2008).
yes, kismet's a tricky little fucker.
so clearly i've learned my lesson, right? romantic notions are great. but end of the day, settle for a nice chinese engineer or accountant.
but yet, here i am again, putting my big toe into the murky waters that is craig's list missed connections.
it was saturday, may 9th. i was finally back in la after a year of so much travel that my idea of home is obliterated. but brian is happy to see me and so we head out to the other room in venice. i believe it was also around a full moon, where i seem to be strongest, at my most magnetic for karma. my notes from that night:
An unusually high number of froderists, Tim Meadows looking sharp in a white shirt, 2 grown men scared out of the bar by lioness psychic seduction, 1 raging queen in a vest (not Brian). Somewhere in there, i'm pretty sure someone grabbed my boob and while it was too crowded to tell, I think it was a girl.
Had spark of inspiration before we left home that I'm looking to meet a stranger with a true spirit who's uncanny in his ability to communicate with computers. I figure we'll know what we're supposed to do when we get there.
I asked B to point out one non-douchebag, someone good enough for me, and I would talk to him. He pointed out a guy with intense eyes by the door. I said, funny, we've already been looking at each other. He's the kind I usually go for, but the kind who probably cries after sex. The guy watched us discuss and suddenly ran out the door. RAN. Even though there was no way he could have heard what we were saying. We just made a guy run out of a bar, I said. I felt bad. His issues, B said.
what i didn't go into detail about was the tall guy by himself in the corner. kind of looked like that dude jennifer garner used to be married to, pre-michael vartan homewrecking. mid 30's. we had made eye contact earlier, the kind where you think you know the person, realize you don't, but then you WANT to know the person. the unknown strangers you recognize...undercover soulmates on full-moon nights inside dark corners.
my type.
we kept looking at each other, then brian appeared by my side with drinks. crap. we always look like a couple when we go out together. let's go over here, brian said, and leads me to a space right next to the guy.
now it's kind of awkward because he's looking at us and brian and i are busy making fun of the people around us, so now not only do we look like a couple, we look like a couple of assholes.
but i want to know this guy, know why he seems familiar.
hey, brian, i said. ask that tall dude over there if he's good at computers.
i remembered my spark of inspiration from earlier that night at home. maybe he's the one i'm looking for. he seems shy, maybe the type that gets along better with machine than man.
i'm not going to talk to that guy, brian said. you wanna talk to him, you go talk to him yourself.
fucker.
but the truth is, i'm kind of shy sometimes.
so i just kind of steal glances at him, my feet like cement, my mind gummy. working up the nerve, working up the nerve. laughing at flaming queens wearing vests, but quietly deliberating inside, working up the nerve.
and then he leaves. squeezes by us, careful not to touch anyone, walks right by me, and i could have reached out and stopped him, given him a reason to stay, but i didn't.
enjoyed the rest of the night, left the bar with a giant round moon trailing us, only minor havoc on the night's scorecard, but deep in my secret depths, disappointment.
i forgot about that guy. mostly because i decided that was my new favorite bar and i met other interesting characters, like greg, the guy i asked if he was a serial killer within minutes of meeting him, then looked him up, had drinks with him a week later to make nice about "it's not you giving off weird vibes, it's totally me. i just like to check the way prostitutes ask a john if he's a cop first."
but then last night, i got home from vegas coming off a big party weekend, very little sleep and a long solo drive listening to a boring-ass audiobook that made me scream into the desert wind to stay awake, and brian wanted to go to venice for dinner.
do you wanna, like, put on a bra or anything?, he asked as we stepped out the door. i'm in fact, wearing the t-shirt i've been doubling as my pajamas over the weekend, because i was too tired to shower and change in the morning.
would you feel better if i did?, i asked.
i don't fucking care, he said.
so we went off, me looking like i was coming off a 72-hour binger which i basically was, titties to the wind.
it's a cute little place on abbott kinney and when told there was a 40 minute wait, i got really irritable, but felt better after a walk and a cup of coffee. we came back after half an hour and they had a table for us. as we were led to the table, the tall guy from the bar a month ago walked past from the direction of the bathroom. he gave me a shy little crooked smile and i involuntarily stopped in my tracks, watched him take a seat at the bar. brian asked me if i wanted to sit inside or outside, with the inside seat facing the room (the one i would usually take). but i was staring at the guy. brian had to ask me again twice, and i said i would take the outside one because i wanted to go to the bathroom, a decision i wish i had thought through because i would spend the rest of my night craning to look at him as i decided what to do.
apparently, on some level i not only hadn't forgotten about this guy, but he had the ability to stop me in my tracks, then pace in the open space of a restaurant wrestling with myself over an impulse to approach him and being scared that this was one of those moments right before i do something that in hindsight, was totally awkward and embarrassing. fear won out. i went to the bathroom then slid back into my seat without incident.
after we ordered, i pointed him out to brian and asked him if the guy seemed familiar to him. brian didn't recognize him. i told him he'd been there at the other room the night we'd gone out, and that he'd seemed familiar then as well. he met up with an older guy in a hat, but at some point, the guy in the hat stepped out to make a phone call. the tall guy was sitting at the end of the bar, alone, and i had a total opportunity to settle this once and for all, open the goddam door of conversation and find out why i had such an instinctive pull towards him. but i didn't.
brian and i finished our meal. oysters, burrata, proscuitto & nectarine plate, amazing lamb sausage pizza. the waiter was a dick.
tall guy and his hat friend met up with a woman and another man and moved to a table in the corner by the door. i checked the seating arrangement and he sat across from the woman so she wasn't his girl. which i'm glad, because she was in her 50's.
at the end of the meal, i didn't know what to do. brian went to the bathroom which was what i was hoping (brian hates it when i talk to strangers), but the guy was having a meal with 3 other people and it's just completely inappropriate to walk up to someone and start hitting on them in the middle of a dinner, unless they're a celebrity and you're a girl who wants him to sign her cleavage with a old Bic pen as his wife glares.
brian came back and headed for the door. i was looking at them, trying to decide and i realized hat guy had well noticed me staring and was looking at me with an amused smile. so i walked behind brian and as soon as he was out the door, i turned to tall guy, waved and said a shy goodbye, which was really a hello.
he broke out in such a surprised, wide happy smile, but one in which my going out of my way to say goodbye to him wasn't coming from a complete stranger exactly, that it stopped the table's conversation and everyone turned around. i slipped out the door. we rounded the corner where their table was next to the large paneled windows and i could see they had all turned around to watch us go and the woman was saying something to him and he was craning his neck to see me with that same big smile, but i was afraid to look back, as much because i didn't know what to do, as the fact that now i really wish i had showered and put on a bra if i planned to attract attention to myself.
when i got home, i couldn't get it out of my mind. who is this guy? why does he seem inexplicably familiar? isn't this how i always get into trouble, this magnetic karma-fate thing, like a moth to a fire.
but i got on craig's list, and with clenched teeth, i put up my only other missed connection post:
I've run into you twice now and both times I can't shake the feeling that you seem familiar, but I can't place it. The first was at The Other Room, last month, I think. You were by yourself. I'm an Asian girl and I was with my roommate, a white guy. The second was tonight at Gjelina. You sat at the bar with a guy in a hat before moving to your table. I was having dinner with my roommate. I waved goodbye to you as I left because I couldn't not do anything, but it wasn't the easiest social situation to ask you...do we know each other? So here's a shot in the dark. It would probably be easiest if you saw this and we could solve this mystery, but perhaps that is lazy thinking. If not, well...if this question has an answer, then perhaps we'll run into each other again.
The winds of fate. They can pull you out of a storm, or they can dash your ship against the rocks into bits. And will you want what you get, when you get what you want? What if I find him again and it turns out he's deeply troubled, or has the brain of a 7 year-old or worse, is boring?
my mother is going through her saturn return and her annual 12th house tour. it was hard being sucked up in it because it falls in cancer, thus simultaneously revealing a facet of myself as it reveals a hidden facet within her. but this is karmic duty.
family is great overall though. lots of positive energy, they're creating positivity on their own. was happy for that. andrew is a sweetheart. his innocence, like michael's, makes me smile. i hope life never takes that away from him, or that he always fights for it.
some idiots surfaced and just as quickly went away. some people have so little going on in their own lives that they try to project onto yours because they're afraid to ask themselves their own questions. doesn't matter. the only person you answer to is yourself. the only person you give to are those you want to. that's basic. if you can live with yourself, if you accept yourself, it really doesn't matter what other people think. your own self-containment will naturally draw people towards you who have also achieved a healthy sense of self-containment and awareness.
i had this dream last night. ran into someone i once knew and because i'm who i am, i was nice even though he betrayed me, even though he probably won't be able to fully understand it until he has the courage to face himself and his actions. truthfully, he will probably never understand it. it's always been so easy for him to blame others for his actions, or project his lack of self-respect as others failing him. so i saw him and i was polite and nice, even though i was well aware this person is a snake--weak and selfish. we were shooting baskets andhe was happy because i was being nice to him, and i realized he was actually relieved because he knew he'd talked a lot of shit about me behind my back that i'd never deserved, and sadly, i actually knew about it but chose to be a bigger person and see it as just the kind of person he is and had always ignored it. but suddenly, i realized, i was under no obligation to stay and give him my patience and kindness. the truth was, he didn't deserve it. he was never my friend. his only interest was what i could give to him, how i could make him feel. as soon as it occurred to me, i just walked out of the gym and to my car. i wasn't angry, i didn't make a big show of it, it was as calm and disconnected as signing off of msn messenger. it was a good feeling, one of empowerment and freedom. in the parking garage, someone handed me some hand-painted fliers for an upcoming event. they thought i was part of a group hired to distribute them. i had no responsibility and wanted to put them down, but i saw they were hand-painted and knew someone had put in great effort to make them, so i put them on some windshields before i left. good karma.
many things happening, but still not cohesive yet, just lots of clues. have been in an incredibly relaxed state. suppressing need to be doing things and just observing.
first thing that has become very clear since i returned home-my inability to pin down age. when i look at someone within a certain age range (or perhaps a certain personality type), their face has an iridescence to it. from some angles, they look young, from some angles they look old. but what is always steady is their eyes. i gain the most information from a person's eyes.
next, the magnetism. under the right configuration of energy, i can direct things to get what i want. the things i want tend to be minor, positive things which benefit myself as well as other people indirectly. this becomes more pronounced (or perhaps my awareness becomes sharper to perceive what is always happening) near the full moon, and the peak of my cycle. i'm my strongest and at my greatest power and peace. i recognized the texture of energy once i understood the symbology of the moon. you can get from it what you need when it becomes available, but you take what you need be it light or dark. my only taste is for dark. because for me, light holds no answers. it is the illusion. but it is the dark that has substance, the dark that seeks to understand itself so it can understand all. whatever prejudiced has developed over the course of human history that has led to such stigma to the dark, it's exacerbated by ignorant man-children claiming to be in on it but making a mockery out of it. dark energy is an incredibly rich, power source. it comes from the roots, the ground, the darkest depths of people. and i can tap into it. so many nights i think to myself, i use my powers of dark for good, as what. a statement of intent? a defense? an explanation? or a statement coated with such disgust and disappointment for everyone who has misunderstood me because you didn't know one thing about light and dark. you just felt uncomfortable that i have power. it's actually a creed. and because if people got close enough to me to really try to understand me, they would see that the truth is all that matters. There are so many levels of truth, these levels form a language unto themselves. and this is what i would like to have a serious conversation about.
Oh man, there's this other thing. I've been pretty happy. It's freedom. I just like to be free and know that everyone is respecting their boundary. I'm someone who needs to know about people. I have to do it quickly and deeply because whatever bigger picture I'm trying to see, I have an intuition that I need to cover ground quickly. But I'm meeting a lot of people. And I feel my grasp slipping and one of them is getting in.
I feel it is illusion though. Sometimes these things appear fated and it brings together people who's soul lesson is in getting away from each other. It's hard because he has quite subtly, and I wonder, subconsciously?, picked up on a somewhat inner facet of me, directly after i revealed i saw an inner facet of him. sounds like an adult round of the pants off game. i do remember he got distracted explaining to me how the computer at the gym measures wattage and i got bored for a second because the next thing i knew, i was asking myself if i thought he had a bigger penis than i would give him credit for.
well, he's deceptive. i can't see into him the same way i can't seem to be able to tell people's ages, even though i used to be so good at it. when i look into him and want to see his mother and father, it avoids me, like black oil on water. slick. pluto-esque. NE corner of the house, where the parents' room was. look, but i don't want to know. in a way, i see that i energize him and calm him, but i don't want to open any dark rooms anymore.
kitchen, last night.
B: So what'd you tell him?
J: Everything I've needed to get off my chest. How dating his brother was one of the most painful and challenging things I've ever been through. And that his brother's not a bad person, he's a man of many secrets, many hidden rooms and rooms hidden inside hidden rooms, so many that I think he doesn't even know all of them or at least, can not keep track of them. I did say that at the end of the day, maybe it was something I needed to go through so that I could figure out what was good for me. I really want a kind, gentle person who's honest and cares about me.
B: Basically, you want to date Bambi.
J: That's about right.
thank you, ian.
The moon, the moon, the moon. the sea, the people. the trees, the sky. every day, it's different. do you notice?
pugnacious today. $10 cherries. new chef at the thai dive? need a rest day from gym. had a really good cup of coffee. braved it out and tried tongue. it's like really tender beef. to be honest if i wanted really tender beef, i would still prefer not-tongue. felt queasy for hours afterwards and debated whether it was psychosomatic or actually physical, like the beef hadn't been cooked properly. the medium popcorn from the movie theater with a ridiculous amount of white cheddar resolved that debate. didn't have the patience to see a movie. nothing at the video store. i feel so bourgeois browsing video stores when i have 5 at-a-time netflix. really really need an indoor basketball court. random web trail today--somewhere near the beginning, wondered about differences of craiglist missed connection cultures so checked out san francisco's. found this:
when will i be loved (campbell):
Reply to: mailto:pers-57nbx-1207903862@craigslist.org?subject=when%20will%20i%20be%20loved.%20(campbell) [Errors when replying to ads?]Date: 2009-06-05, 11:12PM PDT
wow... just when i was thinking h3r3 is a man who will do right by me... LOL.... BOHICA... PBT... my BROTHER ronnie said he needed a phone... so i said answer mine. give me my messages.. cool.. here i am thinking im all good .. turns out he was yanking my chain just like my son sammy arena and my friend ty hardin.. aint they the coolest... wow... now i think they should be poster children for if you see these people alive after the first of the year you will know i died sometime last night.
i think im liking this drinking ... that is so fucked to have a man do that to me.. especially when i know him.. he was never like that.. i heard he was a snitch as well.. well he was robert reynoso way back when.. maybe manny caruso had something there. damn.. seems like there is not one left who didnt compromise his priciples by not owning up to his own shit. by not standing up for others when they were not there. damn. oh coffee boy .. save me please.. i so want to end this fuckiing life.
oh im sylvia martin ...... uncle pauls favorite joke.. you know my uncle paul del grande quite a ladies man i say.. anyway.. so man needs a phone.. then i find out he is just yanking my chain .. like all the rest.. well not all... where is that man who ran the coffee shop on the corner.. he had some fun friends i must say though he was the hottest thing since white bread.. whole lotta man that one.. cute kids as well...
so here i am a fruit loop with no friends.. what the fuck me over again tyster you funny puppie.. take you ghostly self and fade outta sight .. take your twisted ideals your smut talk about women or men and stuff it..
you are gona be so surprised.. hell im really hoping ya all will be so fucking surprised..
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1207903862
*****
Pondered it.
Then remembered an old conversation and found the quote I'd been thinking about for a while. That led me to and article about Africans and the symbolism of homosexuality: http://blog.beliefnet.com/crunchycon/2007/10/st-charles-lwanga-and-african.html#more
Outside of the piece's opinion, trying to understand the people behind the comments occupied me for a while. then thought about my experience of what my mind decides to remember, how i can take in so much information, but the only ones i retain tend to be ones i'll need in a connection later. did a google search for "predictive memory."
oh boy. it always comes back to robots.
is almost attaching the pieces. so close.
J says (9:35 PM):
i hear you're quite the player these days
R says (9:35 PM):
Oh no!
R says (9:35 PM):
Who said that?
J says (9:36 PM):
my psychic antennae
J says (9:36 PM):
i got elves around the world who work for me
R says (9:36 PM):
Lol.
R says (9:36 PM):
Well I'm autodidactic about things. I set to learning about how to get girls, but after a while, which happened to be about a month ago, I've moved on to other interests. Well back to previous ones.
J (9:37 PM):
what were your previous interests?
R says (9:38 PM):
Mostly analytic philosophy and writing. I'm reading more about modal logic and its applications into things like metaphysics and superveniece on consciousness these days.
R says (9:38 PM):
Women aren't so complicated compared.
J says (9:39 PM):
well, people aren't that complicated compared. we can make the world as complicated or as simple as we want. the whole spectrum is interesting
R says (9:39 PM):
Totally.
J says (9:40 PM):
some people live intensely on just a few planes, some people try to explore as many as possible
J says (9:40 PM):
personally, i like living intensely in short periods of time in each
R says (9:40 PM):
That takes a lot of discipline.
J says (9:40 PM):
yes. i'm thankful you recognize that
R says (9:41 PM):
I've considered that about you from more than what's been said here. Anyway, back in Cali yet?
J says (9:42 PM):
how so
R says (9:43 PM):
I don't remember the details, but what you said about your previous job in America before Amsterdam. Something with a computer company. And then with the job you undertook in Amsterdam. Usually discipline is the only thing that holds ambition together. Emotion isn't consistent enough to fuel motivation for very long.
R says (9:44 PM):
So in Cali now?
J says (9:45 PM):
haha, everyone's always wondering where i am
J says (9:45 PM):
i've been traveling again
R says (9:45 PM):
Shit! Where are you now!
J says (9:45 PM):
but keeping it on the downlow. i felt like i was in a really tough battle for a really long time, so it's kind of like coming home from war
J says (9:46 PM):
but in a very emotional plane. so it's been an amazing time of quiet
J says (9:46 PM):
but yes, you're one of the few people who know i'm in cali
R says (9:46 PM):
You're so visual. Do you have synesthesia?
J says (9:47 PM):
what's that?
R says (9:48 PM):
It's when someone has parallel experiences from generally considered singular forms of experiences. Like a person who hears a sound but also has a sort of visual experience accompanying it. I'd guess you might have a sort of linguistic synesthesia, where your thinking is constantly accompanies by a satial, shape-like experience.
J says (9:49 PM):
hahaha! this is the most amazing thing anyone's ever said to me
R says (9:49 PM):
Anyway I was thinking about travelling a lot too. Maybe one day we could both go some places together. Like duel hking.
R says (9:49 PM):
Haha, does it sound like you?
J says (9:50 PM):
well, it's like for the first time in a long time, something made sense
J says (9:50 PM):
people are always telling me what i am. and i always try to be that person that each person needs. it takes a lot of energy but i seem to be able to do it for a little while
J says (9:50 PM):
but doing that for people really takes a lot of energy out of me
J says (9:51 PM):
but as long as i have a safe place to go back to and recharge, i can always seem to make things go in a positive direction if i really believe in it
J says (9:52 PM):
but the thing is, most people aren't so conscious so it can be really disappointing. but sometimes you see small changes in people and it makes it worth whater you're putting out
J says (9:53 PM):
the thing about basically almost stepping into another person's world, is that you're able to see a whole other universal perspective
R says (9:53 PM):
That's pretty interesting. I'm atheist (dunno if I ever mentioned it), but there's this quote in the Bible, "I am all things to all men, so that I might save some". I got it from a jazz song though, but I always liked it.
J says (9:54 PM):
do you feel that way about the world from your perspective?
R says (9:54 PM):
I mentioned the synesthesia thing because it seemed like you were selecting words that both articulated what you said and also had a spatial aspect to them.
R says (9:56 PM):
From the quote? Well, I suppose that I'm ultimately a humanist, but I'm interested in more than saving men. I'm content to say that my reasoning about what's best is dynamic, based on possibly better things I find in the future.
J says (9:57 PM):
how do you recognize people within strangers?
R says (9:58 PM):
Your question is kind of ambiguous. But I guess you're more interested in my feeling my answer than solving a problem?
J says (9:58 PM):
well, overall, where and what is your process?
R says (9:59 PM):
I suppose I leave my recognicion of a sense of commonality to peripheral feelings, and leave rationale to work itself into things that I find later on about them.
R says (10:00 PM):
My ability to accept people as "people" in a rational way can't be done: the human race isn't connected on a level of metaphysics, but on moral necessity, so far as I'm concerned.
J says (10:00 PM):
do you ever feel like wherever you're going, you're going as though you've actually arrived?
R says (10:02 PM):
I'm not sure what you mean. Where I go though, I'm careful these days to try not to think too much about arrival, and to remove thinking about myself as a part of the process. I just want to be in tune with the entire journey, and not let things like foresight and self concientiousness take my mind off of actually where I am, what I am doing.
R says (10:04 PM):
It's hard to be careful though, lol. "Being careful about concientiousness" is contradictory. You've got to lose yourself, and not put worth into realizing yourself as different from your experience.
R says (10:04 PM):
I suppose one of us should mention that I'm pretty much singing some kind of zen doctrine here.
J says (10:04 PM):
hahaha
J says (10:04 PM):
yeah, you were starting to lose me
J says (10:05 PM):
or i probably lost you
R says (10:06 PM):
J says (10:06 PM):
the strangest thing about having lived in a different country is adapting to the way people communicate. i've noticed that coming back to the states i'm so much more aware of how easy it is for people to speak different languages
J says (10:07 PM):
like we all try really hard to communicate, but the truth is there are so many ways people communicate outside of just verbal language
R says (10:09 PM):
Yeah. What I noticed most when I returned is how goddamn uptight people are! But, you're on the West Coast. I hear that there's a differerent America over there.
J says (10:09 PM):
they're more open on this side
J says (10:10 PM):
more expansive in thinking and spirit, though overall, there are pockets of small-minded people
J says (10:11 PM):
and if you're into people watching, they're really neurotic in interesting ways
J says (10:11 PM):
have you ever been to the west coast?
R says (10:12 PM):
Not even close. I'm really getting the itch to go.
J says (10:12 PM):
you should always go to places where you have itches
J says (10:12 PM):
those are the best ones
J says (10:12 PM):
because you're more determined to make an experience
R says (10:13 PM):
You're going to make me jump out of my skin!
R says (10:13 PM):
Haha.
R says (10:13 PM):
My friend and I are planning a drive out there.
R says (10:14 PM):
But I need to make sure that I have enough leave saved. I was also thinking after these 2 years here, I'll take University over there. Also, after that, I'll have lots of money saved, and I'm going to travel everywhere, and live everywhere I want.
R says (10:14 PM):
Right now the military keeps me. And keeps me crazy with these big ideas all right.
J says (10:14 PM):
man, how long are you committed for?
R says (10:15 PM):
Five years, 8 or 9 months. I'm out of here November 2010.
J says (10:15 PM):
you're free after that?
R says (10:15 PM):
Uh huh.
J says (10:16 PM):
oh my god. you're gonna be like a man getting out of prison
J says (10:16 PM):
as the chinese say, you're eyes are gonna be so wide!
J says (10:16 PM):
your
R says (10:16 PM):
Haha. It's only a prison because of my itching. But I can't wait. I need to deploy overseas one last time to save some money.
R says (10:16 PM):
I never heard that saying before.
J says (10:17 PM):
okay, i lied. it's what i say
J says (10:17 PM):
it's that moment when your entire soul just wants to devour all the things that are new
J says (10:18 PM):
like a kid the minute he sees his birthday cake
R says (10:18 PM):
Haha I like it!
J says (10:18 PM):
if you can make it through and get there, it's the end of your rainbow
J says (10:18 PM):
you better be documenting all this! write it all down. this is your story
J says (10:18 PM):
you'd better be writing like hell when you get out
R says (10:19 PM):
I'll manage.
R says (10:19 PM):
Anyway, I have to shove off.
R says (10:20 PM):
It's pretty damn later here, and tomorrow I've got a lot of conversation ahead of me. And reading too.
R says (10:20 PM):
Have a good night buddy!
J says (10:20 PM):
good luck. have a good night
tonight i met a woman they called commander dazzle. she commands the ship, ryan said. she leans into me, her eyes hooded and whispers. i don't command. i don't need to.
i coerce, she hissed.
later, i meet a tall guy in his 40's with buzzed hair and tinted glasses. kind of a rich man's Don Henley. I see a small bottle hung on a leather strap around his neck. what's that, i pointed. your bubbles? (hey, isn't that what ravers like?) no, it's a bottle of tabasco sauce, he said. i've wear it to ward off anything that's bland, and so far it's been working, cuz my life's been exciting...yeah... did you load it up with power and decide its function, or did someone else give it to you for that purpose, i asked. no, i powered it up, he said. i'm a manifest coach. i materialize things into my life daily and i teach people how to do the same. some people are afraid to go after what they want, or they need someone to teach them.
or sometimes they don't know how to use their own power, i said.
exactly, he said.
if you act like you know where you're going, you better be serious about figuring out where you're going.
i make my discoveries wandering around. i need a freedom to that. but i need to know that i have a secure anchor supporting me.
i want to talk about people. i'm struggling with finding how honest i want to be.
it's good when i get the fragments out here.
