many things happening, but still not cohesive yet, just lots of clues. have been in an incredibly relaxed state. suppressing need to be doing things and just observing.

first thing that has become very clear since i returned home-my inability to pin down age. when i look at someone within a certain age range (or perhaps a certain personality type), their face has an iridescence to it. from some angles, they look young, from some angles they look old. but what is always steady is their eyes. i gain the most information from a person's eyes.

next, the magnetism. under the right configuration of energy, i can direct things to get what i want. the things i want tend to be minor, positive things which benefit myself as well as other people indirectly. this becomes more pronounced (or perhaps my awareness becomes sharper to perceive what is always happening) near the full moon, and the peak of my cycle. i'm my strongest and at my greatest power and peace. i recognized the texture of energy once i understood the symbology of the moon. you can get from it what you need when it becomes available, but you take what you need be it light or dark. my only taste is for dark. because for me, light holds no answers. it is the illusion. but it is the dark that has substance, the dark that seeks to understand itself so it can understand all. whatever prejudiced has developed over the course of human history that has led to such stigma to the dark, it's exacerbated by ignorant man-children claiming to be in on it but making a mockery out of it. dark energy is an incredibly rich, power source. it comes from the roots, the ground, the darkest depths of people. and i can tap into it. so many nights i think to myself, i use my powers of dark for good, as what. a statement of intent? a defense? an explanation? or a statement coated with such disgust and disappointment for everyone who has misunderstood me because you didn't know one thing about light and dark. you just felt uncomfortable that i have power. it's actually a creed. and because if people got close enough to me to really try to understand me, they would see that the truth is all that matters. There are so many levels of truth, these levels form a language unto themselves. and this is what i would like to have a serious conversation about.

Oh man, there's this other thing. I've been pretty happy. It's freedom. I just like to be free and know that everyone is respecting their boundary. I'm someone who needs to know about people. I have to do it quickly and deeply because whatever bigger picture I'm trying to see, I have an intuition that I need to cover ground quickly. But I'm meeting a lot of people. And I feel my grasp slipping and one of them is getting in.

I feel it is illusion though. Sometimes these things appear fated and it brings together people who's soul lesson is in getting away from each other. It's hard because he has quite subtly, and I wonder, subconsciously?, picked up on a somewhat inner facet of me, directly after i revealed i saw an inner facet of him. sounds like an adult round of the pants off game. i do remember he got distracted explaining to me how the computer at the gym measures wattage and i got bored for a second because the next thing i knew, i was asking myself if i thought he had a bigger penis than i would give him credit for.

well, he's deceptive. i can't see into him the same way i can't seem to be able to tell people's ages, even though i used to be so good at it. when i look into him and want to see his mother and father, it avoids me, like black oil on water. slick. pluto-esque. NE corner of the house, where the parents' room was. look, but i don't want to know. in a way, i see that i energize him and calm him, but i don't want to open any dark rooms anymore.

kitchen, last night.
B: So what'd you tell him?
J: Everything I've needed to get off my chest. How dating his brother was one of the most painful and challenging things I've ever been through. And that his brother's not a bad person, he's a man of many secrets, many hidden rooms and rooms hidden inside hidden rooms, so many that I think he doesn't even know all of them or at least, can not keep track of them. I did say that at the end of the day, maybe it was something I needed to go through so that I could figure out what was good for me. I really want a kind, gentle person who's honest and cares about me.
B: Basically, you want to date Bambi.
J: That's about right.

thank you, ian.

The moon, the moon, the moon. the sea, the people. the trees, the sky. every day, it's different. do you notice?