whenever i tell rie that some guy has sparked my interest, her first question is usually, "is he actually datable or are you just horny?"

ideally i want to find the person who's mine. the one who gets me, and i get him, and we make each other and the world around us a better place. we'll each be entire intriguing universes to each other that are endless to explore, and together, we'll grow. but that happens when it's meant to happen, and there's been a lot of life lived without him where i've been on my own.

a part of me would love to mess around while i'm biding my time, waiting for that person i'm going to intertwine lives with. i get bored, i get lonely. it's not easy. this wait has been long. especially because i know everyone else lives life so much less seriously (or consciously), and especially because sex is a good thing. but i feel like it's not an avenue that i'm allowed. even if i just wanted something casual for the sake of something casual, i need to have rapport and chemistry with someone, otherwise it won't be good. but if we have rapport and chemistry, usually the guy wants a relationship, or feels i used him. it never works out. i fall into relationships i knew could never work even before it started. then i feel like i should have known better. i should never pursue for the sake of pursuing. i have to be willing to keep what i catch, and understanding that now, i've learned restraint. there are times when someone piques my interest and i want to chase, but i have to ask myself what is my end goal, and if i can't see myself wanting to keep him, have him in my life, take a relationship seriously, then i have to let him go. i can't hunt for the sake of hunting anymore. maybe i tried when i was younger and didn't know better, but now that i know people can get hurt, it's on me to make better judgment. and i have. this is what i mean when i tell people i've been good for a long time. it's restraint. i don't pursue for thrill. i restrain myself to wait for something that's real.

incidentally, when i tried to move my blog yesterday, it suddenly published posts that were saved as drafts. i found this post, from 12/25/09 (2:52 am). here's an example. i knew i was pursuing this guy because he was fascinating to me but there was no way anything real could come about it. so i forced myself to let go. and when it's something that wasn't meant to be yours in the first place, it breaks like a fever. then you know.

we guarded each other today, played each other hard. he blocked about 6 of my shots, but i had some moves today that outdid myself. last games were 2 on 2 and we guarded each other while josh played with me. josh and i work really well together. 2nd person asked if josh is my type today, and i answer that we're friends that go way back. that's valuable.

i asked the guy if he has kids and he said he didn't. i figured he either has young sons, or he has an older sister who has boys. he feels like someone who's been divorced if he is indeed single.

this fixation is no good. when i told my mom about him, she said i'm just hunting again. i feel it, too. i have such a need to be immersed inside people and taste their world as though it were my own. but i never own it. i just want to see it. and even though i try to leave people in better places, sometimes it gets messy. i think this is one of those situations where i just have to have the willpower to forget about it and not mess around with it.