surprising.

drove around today trying to find a place to sit and write and couldn't. finally decided to go to the cafe in the gym to work since they have free wifi and then i could just work out. as i was writing, i looked up to see curtis working. i've never seen him here on a sunday. so he saw me looking and smiling and came over. we ended up talking for about 5 hours, with him staying past his shift to the gym closing. he told me that he has the keys to the place, so i asked him if i wanted to come play basketball at 3am, if he could let me in, and he said he could. i asked if we could play now, and he said yes, so we stayed at the gym well past midnight, with him helping me shoot left-handed.

he was riding me about writing, and my whole not knowing how to tell this story, and thus, my delaying in writing the story. about how i have to be willing to write crap and get it all out, rather than this idea that i have to write the big story and nothing else. he wants to help me rework my website so i can keep my blog on it rather than having my site and my blog hidden on blogger. i told him i don't want my blog out there, but i need to combine all the stuff in my notebooks and all my digital files into one large searchable database. he said i can just sit a homepage, but password protect the things i don't want the public to see. but he will need access to my blog. i've been unwilling to tell him the address, mostly because i've written about him and will have to hide anything related to him if i hand it over. and also not being sure i want him to see this much of my past and my insides.

but then i think, it shouldn't matter.

he asked me if i thought he was dangerous to me. i didn't really answer the question, said it was inconclusive. you can be dangerous to someone without being a dangerous person. but maybe, what's dangerous to me is what hopes and disappointments another person represents, especially when maybe i have certain doubts about my judgment in the people who get close to me. i think a part of me never wants to try again unless it's a sure bet, of which there are none. get too close, and you lose someone you could have been longtime friends with. get too close, and you could get hurt or hurt someone else. get too close, and you could lose yourself. get too close, and you could be getting close to the wrong person.

i am confused.