i was supposed to have flown back today and i'm still here. good decision or bad decision? in a way, i need contact with my old life, with friends and loved ones so i can gain perspective on this period of my life whose purpose was to allow me to gain perspective on my old life. now i need the enlightened old to triangulate a perspective on the "new," this place where i've come for better or for worse. i have definitely seen the shadow, coming face to face with it, tasted it, heard it, felt it, believed it. and now i need to know to what extent it is still working, to propel me to understanding through polarity, or by pushing me towards my own self-destruction.

i'm so deep in the well, so deep in the murky water that i no longer know which way is up. while it's not a problem in terms of drowning since this whole thing started because i learned how to breathe underwater in my dreamscape and thus, be able to breathe in the face of emotional/existential crisis, i don't want to lose my bearings. i don't want to stay in this water forever. 

i want to be careful that i'm not fucking myself over by going too deeply in the wrong direction.