yesterday i rode the tram.

usually, i'll only sit in seats that are by themselves. if only seats next to people are available, i usually prefer to stand. but yesterday, i wanted to think so i decided to sit by a woman in her forties with a large purse that was laying next to her, touching the empty seat. i expected her to move her purse into her lap, because when a stranger is around, you always want to make sure you keep your valuables close. but while she did move her purse as predicted, when i sat down and looked up at her, i realized she'd moved it not to protect her valuables, but more so to make room for me. once i'd sat down, she let the purse sit between us, against my thigh.

i started thinking about the american mentality, how we do learn to be careful in case someone steals your things. i've had my wallet stolen twice in my life--once from an employee of an ice skating rink who took it off the table, and once in college when someone stole my entire bag while it was next to me. the idea of having your things stolen from you seems to be one of the facts we accept in terms of society, and it's just a given that if you have something stolen from you, you probably weren't "careful" enough.

but then another thing hit me. maybe it's so solid in our collective unconscious because we are brought up in a world where being stolen from, having something taken away from you without any power to stop it, is so prevalent because we grew up in a country where our own government steals from us.

if it's true that if you examine what a person fears most, you'll find it's often what a person fears most or hates most about themselves, then the message that our government consistently gives us is that people are always trying to take our shit. be it illegal immigrants, or communists or terrorists, people are always out to get us. people are always trying to steal our money, our power, our freedom. there are always threats and the mentality that's so prevalent that it feels like a fact of life is that we always have to keep an eye out and be suspicious or people will take what belongs to us.

i remember reading a guide book on europe and the writer commented that most europeans perceive americans as being "naive." i was very curious about this and i remember asking david when i came in may why americans would be perceived as "naive." he didn't really answer the question, but i asked him again this time (we're communicating so much better). he told me it's because the world sees america as the only country that lies to its own people, and that's what makes it so dangerous. he said that america is always going to war when it's known for being very bad at war, that they give undertrained young guys really good equipment but they don't know how to use it, and the generals are bad and have been known to have made mistakes that killed so many of these men. but that america still goes to war, probably to make mone, yet it lies to its people about why and how well they're doing. that's why americans are perceived as naive...they're like children who don't know their parents are in the mob. and even though the rest of the world knows what bad things their parents have been doing, the kids have no idea.

that brought me back to what i thought about the woman on the tram and the purse. she obviously was not worried about me stealing for her, probably because these ideas of people out to get her and her things is not a prevalent idea in her consciousness. and maybe these suspicions and fears are in mine, because i live in a country where my own country steals from me. i don't care if it's money (to fund frivolous government spending), a sense of security (stop trying to scare us with this terrorist crap) or just the knowledge of what our leadership is doing that's affecting all of us so that we can hold them accountable.

i never realized that it could be different, kind of like if you grow up in an abusive household, you never realize that not all households are abusive until you're invited into one. but being in amsterdam and being able to hear the opinions of so many different people about the us and having to answer their questions about why our government does what it does, i realize that not everyone grows up suspicious and afraid of other people. it's just the way certain corrupt people and organizations in power have kept the people, so they are too emotional and anxious to actually realize they should be asking questions.

i've never been a person who was that knowledgeable about politics or that involved in it, but at the very least, i realize it's about perspective. being able to be in a safe, objective place, i can really look at my life and try to figure out what were the things that made me so unhappy, sometimes without me knowing it. and i realized that there are so many things that add to a person's anxiety level, and so much of it isn't even consciously recognized because it's part of the landscape. i realized that our government's dishonesty, disrespect and lack of integrity towards the people it's supposed to represent and protect is probably a stress factor for the majority of the american population, either through direct strife (services for the disabled, unemployed, etc) or just a general feeling that we're putting faith in something that's not being honest to us--it's not too far from the silent stress a person suffers perhaps unconsciously when they have a feeling their parter is cheating on them, but they haven't allowed themselves to really think about it yet.

in a way, i think what america needs now to heal all the damage it's leadership has done over the years is an archtypical benevolent father who can get us away from our fears and help us start asking ourselves what we can do to become the people we want to be and live the lives we want to live.