Shit, dude, I think my turtle's depressed.

Respect For Life

I have a deep respect for people and life. This respect is founded upon a higher spiritual love of everything, at the very core level, even if ego-wise, I may not "like" everything. Everything comes from the same place, the same beginning, the same fiber and therefore, each person and thing is as much related to you as your own physical attributes.

In particular, with the people I meet, it's not hard for me to have an instant, strong connection with them. This connection is founded on that deep respect. But I don't like commitment, or commitment in the sense of overall expectations.

For example, I love nature. I love flowers. But I'm not a big proponent of cut flowers. When someone gives me flowers, I greatly appreciate the thought. But if you think about it, when you walk into a garden, you can appreciate the beauty of these flowers in their natural environment as they grow and thrive. When someone cuts flowers, they are trying to take this beauty and own it, by bringing it into their own environment. And this beauty becomes ephemeral once disconnected from its life source and soon dies. Why would you do that? Why does this need to own this beauty supercede your respect for its being and its needs to exist in its optimal state?

The same thing goes with people. If they can thrive being with you, that's awesome. But I don't want to own anyone. I don't want them to feel committed to me because of social expectations so that they are soon cut off from their life force and the truth of who they are and their journey. Admittedly, I don't want a guy who dates other people and disrespects me.

But if you're honest about things and at the core, there exists this connection based on this respect, then regardless of where life takes you, you know that you will be doing what's best for yourself and that person will be doing what's best for himself and because these two things are also good for the other person, you will both thrive in this garden. Commitment is so often about ownership. About hording so you "have." But you can "have" without hording and it's longer-lived.

I've never cheated on anyone I've dated. And that's not because I knew it was bad and shouldn't. It's because, when I decided to enter into a relationship with certain expectations, I knew that this was a place that I would be able to thrive, as would he, not because I wanted to own him or because he owned me. Commitment should be about both people wanting to be with each other, to walk a certain part of life's journey together, and not thinking about all this other stuff that really clouds issues and causes so much interference between two people.

So no, I don't like commitment. But when I find people that I respect, I will respect that connection and the other person's welfare and in a way, I end up being committed based on the power of that respect.

So often, with people who can't commit, it's not about making the right choice for a life partner. Everyone definitely goes through this. With people who chronically can't commit, it's about a lack of respect for oneself. And this translates to a lack of respect for other people and that sacred connection that is shared by people.

My baby brother, Michael, likes teddy bears. And so in an effort to teach him social skills, my mom names his bears things like Manners Bear, and Soft-Spoken Bear, and Patience Bear in hopes that they will "teach" him these attributes.

So I thought of some other bears that might be good teaching models for him:

Don't Take Candy From Naked Strangers Bear
Hide The Kitchen Knives When Daddy's Been Drinking Bear
Don't Touch The Dog Like That Bear
Don't Pick Your Nose At The Dinner Table Bear
Touching Yourself In Public Is A Sin Bear
Be Nice to Grandpa Because He Can Still Change His Will Bear
Help Your Big Sister Find A Rich Boyfriend Bear
You Don't Need To Know About Sex So Stop Asking About It Bear
Stop Looking At The Naked Men In The Gym Locker Room Bear
Be Kind And Rewind The Porn Tape Bear
Hands Off People's Bottoms Bear
Mommy and Daddy Don't Love Each Other Anymore So Stop Crying Bear
Stop Asking "What's That Smell" Bear
Where On The Bear Did The Bad Man Touch You Bear
Shitting In The Middle Of The Living Room Is Not Okay Bear
Sometimes Men Like To Hug Other Men Instead Of Women And That's Okay Bear
One Drunken Incident In College Does Not Make Your Sister Gay Bear
Handcuffs Are Not Toys Bear
Don't Scratch Yourself When You're Being Baptized In Front Of The Whole Church Bear
Tongues Don't Go There Bear
Boys Pee Standing Up Bear
Don't Drop The Soap In The Shower Bear
Being A Male Prostitute For One Week To Pay Some Bills That You Blew On Coke Booze And Gambling Is Okay Bear

Holy addiction!!

For those who type fast, play this game:

http://www.play4traffic.com/game.php


My highest score: 163

(i have a headache now)

MUST ALL THE PLEASURES IN LIFE BE BAD FOR US?!?!?

Oral Sex Shown to Be Linked to Mouth Cancer

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20040225/hl_nm/health_oralsex_dc_1

Holy addiction!!

For those who type fast, play this game:

http://www.play4traffic.com/game.php


My highest score: 163

(i have a headache now)

Thoughts For February 24th, 2004

-Today I went to the Century City Mall Food Court for lunch, circled around a few times, couldn't decide what I wanted to eat, so instead, I went to the Coffee Bean and slept in one of those big faux-leather comfy chairs like a homeless person for 45 minutes, with a stack of poetry clutched to my chest. Yes, children. This is my life.

-My head is spinning about what it means to date at 25. Does it really mean having a rotating schedule of people to sleep with, who in turn, are sleeping with other people as time permits? Is that really what life as a twenty-tweener boils down to? Is there some sort of cosmic bell that dings when it's time to switch partners?

-Is it too late to become a lesbian? I'll be dedicated and try hard, I swear. But I only want to date a lesbian who has a large penis.

-Fluorescent lights kill the soul.

-It is not okay to masturbate at work. Even if people are looking.

-My last relationship: He had an anal fixation and I was fixated on assholes. It should have been a match made in heaven.

-Stephen Hawkings

-a whore is a whore, no matter what clothes she wears

-I would love to be Mark Cuban's bitch

(goodnight, kids)

Julia's Failproof Guide To Acing Any Job Interview*:

1. Be prepared to flirt a lot and imperatively, find a way to slip in the word "anal."


Jake's Failproof Guide to Ending Any Job Interview*:

1. Always end the interview with, "So if this doesn't work out, how about you , me and little sandwich action?"


*guides are 100% effective regardless of interviewer's gender or sexual preference

The Devil's Curse = Idealism

Disappointment becomes a way of life.

Girls Night Out

Last night I went out with the girls for the first time since I became a hermit because of my crazy work schedule. Since I'm the only one who's single and the other girls are in really serious relationships, I decided that this night had to be crazy...Julia kind of crazy. So I told them that we all had to come up with porn names and introduce ourselves as such. So Sarita was Anita Wang (this is the name of a woman that my mom actually works with! She works with Harry Tang), Rebecca was Connie Lingos and I was Cherry Cummings. I ditched my Halloween alias of Taloofa Shihshihsteinberg Jankins because I didn't think I could get any play introducing myself as Taloofa, no matter how well I can grind on the dance floor. So we went over to Red Rock and had a pretty fun time. I had a fairly creative pick-up line ready and the deal was that the girls could pick the guy I would use it on, but he had to be HOT because I guaranteed them that it would work and I didn't want some creepy ugly guy stalking me all night. But I never got to use it because I met a pretty cool guy and we ended up spending most the night together. He was a good enough sport when he found out about our names thing that he said he'd go by Dixon Cox. That earned points with me. I love good sports. And he was a Virgo. Which earned even more points with me. Those who know will know why.

I'd like to go out dancing sometime. Maybe next weekend? Just with the girls because I love feeling the rhythm of the music course through me, and just moving with it, and not having to think about anything else. I've never really gone dancing out here in LA, and I never date guys who want to go dancing. So while I'm currently happily single, that's definitely in my game plan.

3 more weeks of UCLA! And then I have more nights and weekends free! Believe me, I'm gonna use them! I feel like I spent too much of my youth working and building for the future. I want to go out and experience life and do more things before I get bogged down with the inevitable responsibilities of growing older. Last night was a great experience. It makes me excited about the future.

lesson for the day:

if you ever find someone who truly loves you,
i mean, someone who truly loves YOU, everything you are, everything you're becoming, everything you will be,
in the true sense of the word "love" which is beyond human definition,
never let that person go.
i don't care if if that person weighs 350 lbs or is paralyzed from the neck down, or if that person looks perfectly normal.
trust me.
never let that person go.

Happy birthday to Michael!

My amazing baby brother turns 20 today!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE MAN! You are a blessing to the world.

I luvs my Michael and I miss him every day.

Can I tell you how much I think about things? Today I went and dropped off my materials with my ex-boss George. I've been dragging my feet on it because I refuse to go back into that office and I'm just too lazy to go to the post office. So George, wanting his materials back, says he'll meet me downstairs and I can drop them off with him.

[neurotic indicator #1]

So I end up getting there early ane while sitting in my car waiting, I'm wondering why he asked me to meet downstairs...is it because he knows I won't go up there so he's being nice by coming down instead to make it easier for me? Or is it because he doesn't want me to go up there, worried that I'll go in and disrupt the workplace with my hair-pulling and eye-gouging? Or is it because he doesn't trust me to mail back my materials? Or maybe it's because he wants to make out with me and this is his last chance, which I would kind of dig because I kind of find him attractive. But that last thought weirds me out because...it's just weird (but hmmm...I can't stop thinking about it now...)

So George comes down and says, "You look...happy" as I get my materials out of my car. I tell him, "Yeah, but I really miss this job a lot." And I mean it. And I look up and he's talking, kind of rambling/mumbling something about it being a crazy week and everything is doing great, just great, and how they have a lot of great kids and great parents, in fact I talked to one today, and yeah...we have some great parents and great kids. Now I'm uncomfortable.

[neurotic indicator #2]
I wonder, what the hell was that????? Why's he getting all weird like this? All I said was that I missed the job and...what does that have to do with the company having great parents and kids and him in fact talking to one today? Is he agreeing that I should miss the job because they've got great parents and kids? Or is he saying, if you are telling me you miss this job because you want to come back, then I know you want that and fuck you because you can't have it back so I'll avoid the topic. (?) And now I notice that he's not really making eye contact and his eyes are red, and I'm wondering if he's under a lot of stress, really tired, or if his eyes are watering up the way Mike's used to when he would run into me. Which kind of makes me feel good as much as it scares me. Because I cry inside a lot when I think about leaving this job. Regardless, there's something about his eyes. Something about his eyes is haunted tonight. Maybe things aren't going so well for him, whatever that may be. I feel a twinge of concern.

So he asks me how my job is and I tell him it's okay, and can't really come up with an answer, but now I notice that when he's got me stumbling for the "appropriate answer," he can make eye contact because I'm busy avoiding eye contact. And that's the way I remember him. So I tell him that I like it, and that my boss and I sometimes butt heads. I felt weird for saying that, like, I may as well have said, car alarms are really sensitive because...where the hell did that come from? But I think I said it to let him know that in that place in my heart reserved for the love-you-like-my-favorite-mentor category, he's got that spot.

I offer to walk him to the front of the building. And he tells me about an instructor who needs to take a leave of absence for a while since his brother was just in a car accident. I ask him about this instructor, and when I asked him, "How's his brother doing?" He said that they had talked to him a few times and he said that it was pretty serious. But they didn't really want to pry.

[Neurotic Indicator #3]

This one is a mental aside. I started thinking, why wouldn't they ask? Okay, I know it's about respecting privacy. But is it because they don't want to get involved and get too close to this person? They don't want to make this relationship too personal? I would have asked. I would have asked some questions just in case the person needed to talk. And I would have extended the offer of let me know if there's anything I can do, and I would have meant it. Am I too engaged in other people's business? Do I need to butt out? Or am I blowing all of this out of proportion? But this hits a nerve because I always felt like there was this clique of all the people who worked in the office, and all the instructors were on the outside, and they were so elitist about us and couldn't even think of us as people. We were just people who came in to do our jobs, and that's it. They don't want to know about you as people. Fucking cliques. They really are so fucking elitist in that office. ANYWAY.

So George suddenly walks away and goes through the doorway, saying, "Well, if it's not one thing then it's another. Thanks for these." I'm kind of surprised and just say, "See you later, man" and turn. And leave. That was really abrupt. And it didn't make me feel good.


uh oh...door just opened...

So is George the one projecting the weird vibe of the company or is it Mike? Someone is screwing the dynamic and it's one of the men. The one who has major issues with women. The one who is emotionally blocked, emotionally unavailable. The one who is misogynistic. The one who creates competition. The one who has control issues and needs to create an Inside/Outside dichotomy so that he can can feel like he's on the Inside, because there's the presence of an Outside. The one who completely avoids his emotions. The one who is terrified of anyone getting close to him. Somebody is hurting from abandonment. It could be both of them now that I'm looking closer because they are overlapping. Like goes to like and each is playing a side of the dynamic even though they experienced similar pain. That's why they need each other. They will play this out. They need to examine their similarities and then they will understand their pain. What about George's mother? (maternal figure) Something weird. This man keeps a lot of secrets. Has general anxiety about going home. He needs this you know. His company. He exerts as much control as possible over his company, his accomplishments, because this is what he built himself. This is where his sense of worth is based. This is where the ego is attached. How tightly he grabs the reins and exerts a need for control over the company is in direct relation to how little control he has over other aspects of his life. He doesn't like this situation. It makes him feel helpless. And it makes him angry. When he goes home, he doesn't always talk about the things on his mind. Not everything just rolls off his back like people think. There's a lot of pent-up feeling. And he just makes himself forget. This man is deeper than even he wants to realize. Colors...black/red at the core (black means no one has seen it and red for color. That represents high energy for me. Martian energy so it's the intense kind). That's pretty deep. It's possible that no one has even been allowed to see that far into him. This means it is very hard to catch him off guard so that he drops his mask. But if someone could make him do that, they'll see. And it might be good for him. May not be possible in this life.

Um, okay, I didn't need all that information. What the hell? I'm not passing that on because people think I'm weird enough.

I'm going to bed.

Honestly, I have been watching this spiderman dance for way longer than I'm proud to admit. And he's just..........mesmerizing.

Anyway, had dinner with someone who has an interesting take on life. Very smart and articulate, which was great. I had a great conversation and I swear, maybe I'm a nerd, but great conversation is one of the best pleasures in life. One the most amazing things in the world is meeting someone who comes from a different background and having the opportunity to get to know another perspective of reality outside of yourself. In the same way people like to travel to other parts of the world in order to gain a better understanding of life outside of their immediate physical environment, experiencing and understanding how another person thinks and feels allows us to see another perspective of reality outside of our own. It creates the same type of pleasure and fulfills the same type of drive that comes with traveling.

Spiderman has made me gay.

http://custurd.b3ta.com/spidermanwillmakeyougay/

Do you think that guys who look like total assholes know that when people see them, they think, "That guy's probably a total asshole"? Or do you think that when these guys look at themselves in the mirror or think about themselves, they say, "Hey, I'm a pretty good guy"?

To be honest, I hope I never run into any of the guys I used to date. I wouldn't run away, but I would just really rather not run into them. Because it would be really awkward. I just don't want to have to admit that they exist.

I have to tell you this story.

My friend R had a huge crush on me. We had been friends for a long time and years ago, I had a small crush on him but it was fleeting. So we used to hang out all the time with a big group, but after a while, he was calling me a lot and we were hanging out on our own. He was going through a rough time in his life and I really wanted to be there for him; I cared about him a great deal and he was one of my closest friends out here, especially since it's so hard to find people you trust in this city. After a while, he told me how he felt and I was pretty awkward about it but at least persistent, telling him that it was important to me that we be friends.

At this time, I was doing my research project on psychic ability. I had a bunch of people call different psychics and record their conversations, then I would debrief them on perceived accuracy. R asked the psychic about me and she told him to stay away from me. That I had "issues."

So I was kind of pissed at her but laughed it off. But I thought the good thing that would come out of it would be that R would back off and just keep things at a friendship. One night, he'd been drinking and was bugging me again about how I could know that we wouldn't work out if I'd never even tried. But to be honest, I had gotten to know him pretty well. And just knew that he had a brooding, volatile temperament that would eventually rub me the wrong way at best, and scare me at worst. But I hate it when people use that argument against me, so I agreed to try dating. He promised me that it would be really casual, no expectations. So then, the first night we kissed, he told me he loved me. I felt completely cornered. I told him I loved him too even though I didn't mean it (romantically) but I was so afraid of hurting him in such a vulnerable moment that I said it. And in hindsight, that was stupid. So we dated for a few months and I really wanted to have romantic feelings towards him, but I just couldn't. I knew this would never work out, but I was so afraid of hurting him that I didn't know how to get out of the relationship. I kept asking for space and he started getting upset about why I would want space and that just made me more resentful and angry. Finally, after I demanded a week off, I broke up with him. He was pretty upset but I think he thought I just needed time and space to cool down, so he gave it to me. And we tried to be friends afterwards, though it was really awkward to see him when we hung out with our group of friends. I started dating this other guy pretty soon after, and he turned out to be a damn near maniac. He found out that R still called me and told me I had to cut off all contact with him. The stress was pretty bad and I think I really hurt R's feelings when he called, crying, and asked if I was dating someone. Because that guy was in the room with me and he had already told me that it showed how little loyalty I had towards him when I wouldn't tell my ex he was never allowed to call again, I told R that I was and that I loved this guy, and that he could never call me again.

I broke up with that guy soon after. He was insane.

But I didn't talk to R for almost two years, avoiding him at a handful of functions we both went to, even though I would catch him staring at me from across the room. I felt horrible about hurting him, but I didn't know what to say because I didn't want that door reopened.

One night last year, 2 years after we'd broken up, he called me and left a message. He sounded pretty shaken up. I called him back and I guess he had had an incident with someone and he wanted to talk to me since I knew him pretty well and had been such a close friend once. We talked about what happened and I gave him advice, but then he randomly tells me that he hasn't gone out with anyone since me. He started asking me why we broke up. I told him that it just wasn't right, even though I have no hard feelings. He told me to stop lying and to tell the truth. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "C'mon, the reason we broke up was because you wanted to get married and I wasn't ready, right?" ................................. This scared me. This scared me a lot. I went back to trying to discuss other things with him and he started getting heated so I told him I was hanging up.

Now here are the things I think about. R was a really good friend of mine. But maybe he wouldn't have been such a good friend if he wasn't interested in me. If he had listened to that psychic's warning, or if he had listened to me when I said I didn't want to date, maybe we'd still be good friends to this day. Should he have stayed away because I have "issues" (which I admit that I do)? Or should he have stayed away from me because this was a bad path for him to walk down, since I couldn't fulfill his expectations as far as my emotional reciprocation? Would our lives be different now if we hadn't gotten together? Or would we be at the exact same place at this exact same moment?

I can't think too much about it though because I'll drive myself crazy. He had his problems and maybe these things were inevitable and it just happened that I was there to help him perpetuate things. And if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else. But it makes me think...every decision is a small path, and if you look back and look at the grid of all the other possible things that could have happened, all these alternate realities, you'll realize that there are too many other paths to imagine walking down, and it's not worth it.

I don't know what I'm rambling about. Today's definitely a stream-of-consciousness day.

I showed my cold turkey poem to linda today and she read it a couple of times and I think her eyes welled up. I wonder if she really gets my writing, or if she's just trying to analyze it as a means to figure me out. I can't even tell her what these poems mean. Does she think she can? If so, that would probably be good for me.

My basketball team is sucking, thanks for asking. Did you know that I posted on the bulletin board last week to give some guy some tips for his team, and then all the guys on the board started this string of posts with the subject, "IS JULIA A MAN?" and it went on for pages and pages and pages (like hundreds of posts) and every message had that subject title? Christ. So they accused me of sleeping with all kinds of people to get to be number one in fantasy basketball and were being all-around dicks about it. I even had one guy simulate what sex with me must be like. It sounded like a simulation by a guy with an intimate relationship with his tube sock. And the sweet guys who jumped in to stand up for me got bashed too. But I thought those guys were awesome. I was sarcastically sparring on the boards with them and a lot of the messages back and forth were really funny. Then there was all the speculation over what I looked like. I think they've agreed that I'm a 50 year old fat guy. It would be nice to finish up the season #1 so that I can have my picture up on the ESPN Fantasy Homepage. Cuz I ain't no 50 year-old fat guy...

good times...

I will do anything not to go to bed. I've been having weird dreams again. Oh yeah, Roxie got me the connection to get onto a porn set. I have to write up a proposal now about the angle of my article and send in my credits and clips. I guess I have to be really careful in my proposal because they've been burned a lot by journalists showing the people and industry in a negative light. I'd love to do it on the psychological process of sex and performance--how the actors prepare and perform. Submit it to Psychology Today or maybe as a trade profile for acting. I would actually love to do this article. But I need someone to go with me who will hold my hand because I'm going to be terrified.

Okay, nodding off. Lates... j

Does This Shirt Make Me Look Gay? No, Your Boyfriend Does

I just got done mentally chasing my own tail and I'm freakin' exhausted. I can't keep this up. I'm tired all the time.

But I think I'm at that now or never point in my life. Where I have to decide what I want to be and stick with it. It's time for some inner consistency. That's what integrity really is. Knowing where you stand and not letting other people push you off of that.

[I watched some of the Apprentice. Donald Trump and I share the same birthday, and almost the same time of birth! The biggest difference between him and I, is that when I become disgustingly rich, I'm going to use that money to buy a toupee that fits.]

I got down today for a brief moment. I don't mean, got down like I put on some classic funk and busted out my afro and my moves; I mean, I got kind of moody. I was trying to re-organize my office and I came across a picture of someone I dated a long time ago. Have you ever come across a picture of someone you had deep feelings with a long time ago, but have since managed to completely put him out of your life, as if he never even existed? And then, when you see a picture of him, you think, "Who is this?" You have no idea. It's like they really didn't exist, or they were just a figment of your imagination. So I put this picture away quickly because I didn't want to look at it, but it's haunting me a little.

It goes like this. We meet someone and then have an intense, intimate connection with that person, and it's almost as if a part of you that makes up the very being of who you are has merged with the other person. But then for whatever reason, things on this level, this human/tangible level, just don't work out and you separate, even though this part of you that's connected, maybe a part of your soul, feels as though it's been ripped away, and now you have a wound that you carry for a long time. At some point, to move on, you have to force yourself to forget about this person, this connection. And the more you take out this person in your mind and tell yourself that he was nobody and that connection was just a crazy thought, the more he becomes less of a person, and more of a symbol. A symbol of something that must be walked away from in order for you to function. So you paint this new picture in your mind of this person, who was horrible, or backstabbing or weak or ugly and how you just despised being with him. And he's this person that you're happy you never have to see again and you've made peace with this "Never," this thing that is an absolute, for the rest of your life, an ending.

Seeing a picture reminds you that this wasn't just this black and white, good and evil thing, but that this is a history, and a set of real feelings, and a person. And you have to take apart the make-believe castle you've built around your heart in your mind and face not the things you told yourself to believe, but some of the realities, good and bad, making it impossible to compartmentalize your feelings.

Mostly, when I saw this picture, I was shocked. I couldn't believe that I had been really intimate with this person, had shared such a depth of feelings. And all that was left of him was this two dimensional image showing tiny glimmers of what it was that had gone on inside of us. And I looked at him and thought, "Was that what you looked like?" Because he doesn't look like the man I once loved and KNEW. He looks like a mildly familiar stranger, like someone whom I may have taken the same bus with every weekday for years, whose his inner-workings and soul effervescence had been overlooked by me.

If you stopped for a moment and just thought about it...isn't it sad how people come and go within our lives? Do you ever say goodbye to an acquaintance, and as they're walking away wonder, is this the last time I'm ever going to see this person? Do you ever hug an older relative and then wonder, is this the last time I'll hug you? Have you ever kissed a boyfriend or girlfriend, and just felt it down to your soul, that this would be the very last time you kissed? Even if things are going really well? Do you ever just know this?

Sometimes I do. And it hurts so much in that moment. And then it hurts every time I remember that moment.

Goodbyes are awful. You know what? If I were granted three wishes, it would be 1. World Peace 2. A big rack 3. Never having to say goodbye again.

I don't like looking at pictures of people I know I will never see again. No matter if we had a good relationship or a bad relationship. It's just having to face the true meaning of Never... that's why we need to believe in things like God, and ghosts and past-lives, right? So that we can say, yeah, there's a Never, but there's no such thing as Never.... Because on some level, things go on, right?

Wouldn't that be nice to think that there's no such thing as Never? Only Always. And even if the people you don't like, all the things that you have to do that you hate, even if all these things were ALWAYS present, so would all the good things in your life. You would never have to say goodbye to a loved one. Never have to think, this is the last time I'll ever be able to walk, this is the last time I'll ever watch the sun set over the ocean, this is the last time I'll taste fresh orange juice on a beautiful Sunday morning with the love of my life by my side... I would gladly agree to live with the constant presence of the worst things in my life, so that I can have the constant presence of the best things in my life.

Always. That's my idea of heaven. And it's also a maxipad.

I wish I didn't think so much.

Hump Day

Today was just a day and I don't know what's going on with me these days. I'm pretty content at work because lately, they've just been giving me stuff to do and leaving me alone and that suits me just fine. I just want to put my headphones on and be alone. It makes me sad to know that I don't have that many vacation days. My dream travel schedule would look like this:

March--Austin (South By Southwest)
April--Seattle
May--Cleveland (Ethan gets his PhD! Congrats, Dr. Schafer!)
June--Germany, Italy, Amsterdam
July--Hawaii

Linda called as I was leaving work and wanted to know what was going on. She said I sounded down and I just want to be left alone, so I told her that I would call her next week, even though I know that I won't. Because right now, I'm the only one that I really trust and I'm so tired of how everyone has an opinion on the way I need to be and how I should be living my life and after a while, it starts seeping in. It makes me wish that I had the $50,000 now.

I had lunch with Jake and he always makes me feel calm. He's the best friend a person can ever ask for and he's one of the blessings that I count every night when I pray. He's one of the most amazing souls I've ever met and one of the few guys whom I refer to as a Man.

Michael also called today and he did well at school. He's become quite the fun conversationalist. Sometimes I wish he lived with me. He would wrap me in one of those bear hugs when he knows I'm feeling blue, and even though I've spent my whole life being so protective of him, it's moments like those when I feel completely safe and loved. Michael is my angel.

I wish the guys at work would stop making fun of me for not wanting to date. I'll go out when there's someone new to meet, but overall, I just don't like going through the motions of dating since most of the time I can tell it won't go anywhere, and I don't want to be in a relationship right now anyway so nothing is going to go anywhere. I just want to be left alone, with the small circle of people who mean the world to me.

This isn't finished...

america the day it went cold turkey off of prozac

tonight america feels unsettled
uneasy
like a blister on the brink of burst

the fires of the west have not stopped raging
not nearly enough to mollify the
slow burn of violence rumbling in its belly
digging at the seams

the moon hangs high
exuding indifference

detachment

self-loathing

fear

neglected in its own defiance
a rotton child plotting with an axe

66 runs like a vein through the heartland
feeding off the windtossed litter of the desolate masses
but it's the silence that feeds the slow burn
the silence that eats itself from the inside out
until there's nothing left to be remembered by

on the shoulder near cleveland
a bum wanders the freeway
a forgotten man
following the twisted metal guardrail
through the tunnel of his existence
stumbling on a paved road that laps up
the hollow spaces in between
but never once choking on the things that
were meant to be kept

and if you ask him in a way that he knows you exist
he'll tell you

he's heard this place whispering
when it thinks no one is listening
towards a heaven overrun by sycophantic wings
flapping to the rhythm of a rhythmless beat
praying for an upended big rig
or a six-car clot to end its misery
and begging someone to touch its emptiness
to really feel it
before dropping it back into that dark
hungry space
where everything that is found
was once lost
and loss is the blanket which covers us
when our insides becomes too expansive to be named.

and you and i?

we slept in our beds
and dreamed our dreams
that shielded us from the nightmares
never aware of the world outside
swirling in its own misery
contemplating its meaning
until it awoke to find itself a butterfly in
its own dream
floundering deeper into a bottomless gulch
that was never given a name

and when i wake
you will not remember me

one day i will land softly on the tip of your tongue
a butterfly kiss that's more a twitch than a tug
briefly reminding you of a truth that preceded the universe
and you will remember a time
from somewhere far away
in some distant memory
once
when you were loved
by someone who existed

and that, in itself, had been enough.

ps:

Would you like your ass cream in a cup or a cone?

Courtesy of Grandmaster Fred:

http://www.illegal-art.org/audio/grey.html

Free downloads of DJ Dangermouse's Grey Album (Jay-Z's Black Album mixed with the Beatles White Album). FREAKIN' AWESOME!