8/24 Stream of Consciousness

I'm exhausted from having my brother for a week and a half. It's not that I don't love him fiercely, but he's so high energy that it takes up so much energy to give him my undivided attention and care.

I fell asleep at work today and dreamed someone shot me.

In the afternoon, I went to see an eccentric, hippy-ish but adorable podiatrist who looked like a Pacific Northwest trail guide transplanted into a sterile doctor's office in the middle of polished Los Angeles. I loved it! He was working on me and asked me about my experience in PR/Marketing. I said I'd be happy to do some PR work for him and asked if he was looking for a freelancer as opposed to a full-time person. He said, "I need a freelancer. [pause, turns away] I need a freelancer for my wife." I was taken aback for a moment cuz I thought he was saying, he needed someone to sub-in as his wife and I thought, WHAT THE HELL??? (Yes, the collective hindsight of my wait-a-minute moments of obliviousness with creepy old men has made me very jumpy.)

But then he went on to say that his wife was starting up a practice and would need PR.

This world confuses me. I don't know whether to be really onguard with people or really trusting, because the world definitely keeps me guessing.

My physical therapist is the bomb. (I know you love your gyno, Amber, but I bet my PT could kick your gyno's ass. Yes, I am seven). She makes me laugh and makes me feel less bummed about my back, and reminds me of those great times back when we were all kids, when things were still simple, and how comfortable it felt to be around other kids who you absolutely trusted because they were still young and so open and just decent.

God. LA can make a person feel so cynical and spiritually isolated. But for every hundred people I meet who are the selfish, self-centered kind, the ones who are always taking advantage of other people, are motivated by ulterior motives and are, just generally, people who don't appreciate or care about other people, all it takes is interacting with one decent person to make me feel good about people again.

This is the thing that I hate so much about religions. You can meet the nicest, kindest people at churches. But you can also meet the most judgmental, closed-minded people. And sometimes, those really nice and kind people are also the closed-minded ones, and that really confuses me. If you go to a place of worship to feel ultimately connected to a greater power and your fellow human beings, then how can there be any place in your heart, your soul or being to feel condescension towards anyone or anything? I don't understand it. That people have the ability to turn their kindness on and off, to be capable of withholding kindness from anyone in dire need. It makes me feel socially retarded, but I really can't understand how that works.

I would love to go to a church to meet good people, but I can't stand the dogma, the potential for small-minded human judgment and oppression. I just want to meet spiritual people who believe in the power of kindness without trying to influence me to feel power over anyone else. I honestly think the people who are kind are our angels, because small reminders that they exist are enough to stave off anyone's feelings of drowning in existential loneliness.

I think I'm feeling good because I've got my brother here whose gear is stuck on kind, and I got phone calls today from Rie (a good friend getting married), and the boys from Starbuck's (calling from the store).

It's really people who will get you through life. I love that they say that prayers are mysteriously but scientifically proven to have positive healing effects. It's the love, the good will, the sharing of kindness that re-energizes someone who has been cut off from the collective soul. That's something to never lose sight of...that we are never alone, and in times when we need help most, the universe will bring about others to help. Most days, no matter how crappy I feel, all I need to see is the smile of a child, so pure and so illuminous with vulnerability and trust, to remind me that there is so much more to life.