Love, Friends and Parenthood

Have you ever noticed that, when a friend of yours is in a bad relationship, you can almost see her life fire burning so much dimmer? It's like in science class when you put a jar over a flame to restrict the oxygen and the flame turns into this sad little blue nub.

A bad relationship doesn't necessarily have to be one that's tearing-the-trees-out-by-the-roots combative. Sometimes it just involves personality incompatibility--by being who a person inherently is, that person makes the other feel unhappy or inadequate or lonely.

When I have friends in bad relationships, it kills me. I know how brightly their inner light can burn and when I see it dimmed that way, it really upsets me. But it's so hard to tell someone that maybe the person that they really like or love isn't right for them, or to get them to take their unhappiness seriously and not be so willing to sacrifice themselves.

I think that when you really care about someone, you never want to see them get the short end of the stick. It's like how my mom always tells me, there's rarely perfect balance in relationships--only settle down with someone who loves you more and is more devoted to you. Of course she'd say that. It's just like, I want to see all of my friends and loved ones be with people who absolutely worship them, because I think they're all wonderful people. But again, it really pains me to see someone I care about not be completely happy, or settle down with someone who is self-centered and isn't generous about making her happy, and isn't even at the very least, putting in the effort to try.

There's only so much you can say. You can give them advice to really examine the relationship, you can point things out, but ultimately, it's their decision. And when you think they're in a position where they might get hurt, it hurts so much to stand by and let them learn their lesson. You can't protect the ones you love from everything, and you can't live their lives for them, and sometimes, it sucks to feel so helpless.

This is why I'm afraid of parenthood. I know that with kids, you would give your life to protect them. You want to tell them what's good for them and what's bad for them, but ultimately, there are so many lessons in life that some they will have to learn for themselves the hard way. You can tell a kid not to touch a hot stove, but until he puts his hand on it and gets burned and realizes that the reason for not touching it is because it's painful, he'll only think of it as a distant idea rather than a reality. So much about parenting is about standing by and watching your kids learn about life, knowing that they need to stumble and fall sometimes in order to get back up and walk taller, but it's a heartbreaking experience to see them have to fall.

I watched my parents deal with the hard realization of being human--having to deal with feeling inadequate because they weren't able to protect my brother and I from everything that has hurt us in our lives. I have seen my brother learn so many lessons the hard way, face so much cruelty from small-minded people and find his place in a world where people seem to speak a language that he can't quite grasp, and it kills me that I can't protect him from everything that has and will ever hurt him.

I know they say that raising kids can be the most rewarding experience a person could have. But they tend to not mention, it's also the most heartbreaking.