a deleted post

You want to know why I'm running? Because I've been there. I've been in an abusive relationship. I grew up in a family where emotional abuse and manipulation was the norm, so I can't tell kindness from sadism, control from love. Sacrifice and serving someone was what I thought love was. I wish he had just hit me like my parents did so that it would have been more clearcut that this was abuse, but emotional and verbal abuse is so hard to pin down, but just as destructive. The emotional abuse was the worst. The way he cut me off from the world. Wouldn't let me see my friends. Took my other relationships as a direct betrayal to him. And then everything I did was wrong. I got mindfucked. Couldn't tell up from down. What was okay from not okay. And all I knew was that I was losing myself, with every day, every minute, every second that I had this person in my life. I knew something wasn't right, but every time I tried to tell my friends, I was all over the place and couldn't put a straight story together, or didn't feel like I had enough "proof" that something was wrong. Like drowning in quicksand and your mind and voice fails you. Because you're afraid people won't believe you and hell, you're not even sure you believe yourself, wondering if maybe you're just being dramatic or overthinking things or were at fault at provoking the situation in the first place. You spend half your time in the relationship apologizing. Feeling ashamed. But it's not you. It's NOT YOU AT ALL. They're VERY GOOD at what they do. The manipulation. The horror. The way they tell you how you've wronged them. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY? WHEN YOU KNOW HOW MUCH LIFE HAS ALREADY HURT ME??? And then the honeymoon period. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. It's just the situation. I NEED you. I will DIE if you leave me. And then they treat you so well...for a little while. As long as you keep yourself inside your cage. But it never works. Because it will ALWAYS happen again. They will never feel they have enough control over you. It keeps cycling. The cycles get faster and faster. The honeymoon periods shorter. Until they own you. And you've given up all your rights. Given up yourself. And the WORST thing about these relationships? You're afraid to leave. Because you feel like a bad person if you leave. Because they've cut off your legs. And then, when people who love you and care about you pull you away? You want to go back. Why? Because it's a drug. And it will kill you. Maybe not your body, but your soul. You need the distance. You need to find it in you, that strength that I know you're capable of, to help yourself.

I don’t want you to do this to yourself anymore.