On MSN today... Worst Dates

http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=1955&TrackingID=516311&BannerID=544658

My favorite:

Susan, 39, went on a date with a guy who couldn't stop talking about another woman. "He talked a lot about a lady friend of his, their emotional bond and admitted the woman was married and lived in another country." He kept talking about her the whole night. "It was obvious he was more comfortable with his quasi-fantasy relationships than face-to-face dating."

Guys who are more into quasi-fantasy relationships than face-to-face dating? Imagine THAT. I've actually been out with a few of these. It's like watching a circus freak show as they spin and spin and spin in their heads with their narcissistically obsessive thoughts about not being able to be with someone (else), when in truth, they obviously can't be with ANYONE until they deal with themselves. But unfortunately, this psychological masturbation requires a "date" to be an audience for it to be pleasurable. GOOD. Times. I would just slip out of the chair and crawl away slowly. Trust me. He won't notice.

My Top 9 Worst Dates:

1. The Asian Fetishist who asked me if I was into S&M on the first date because "...most asian girls are into that stuff. Right? Right??"
2. The guy who SPEARED food off of my plate without asking and then tried to feed me a cheesy line when I wouldn't let him come upstairs.
3. This one is self-explanatory: "I'm sitting here looking at you, and I'm thinking about how hot your mom is."
4. The Really Insecure Guy who spent the entire evening giving me his entire relationship and sexual history, going into immense detail and reenactments of emotionally-tormented arguments and conversations.
5. The Crazy Agro Foreign Guy who got drunk and stoned and then tried to pick fights with anyone who would come near us. Then admitted to having been a part of a cat burglary ring in Europe when he was a teenager. Then he started getting paranoid and called me sketchy.
6. The guy who wouldn't talk and would just stare. The ENTIRE night. I never saw him blink.
7. The really attractive, intelligent businessman who told me that he ran a computer company, but then admitted to lying to people for sport and having gotten rich off of internet porn sites. I didn't want to go out with him again, but invited him to my birthday party a few months later, to which he showed up with two really homely girls and made out with them in front of me, then discussed that he has been depressed since he broke up with his "lover."
8. The guy who was so nervous he couldn't stop shaking and when I didn't want him to walk me to my car, he was on the verge of tears. (I felt really horrible about this one)
9. The cute lawyer who got so trashed at the bar, that he kept grabbing my crotch. Without permission.

Number 10: Bad Date Because of Me

I went out with this really gorgeous shy guy who's a friend of a friend. It was the first night I had moved into my new place and we went out for drinks, then I invited him up to check out my place. I told him that I wanted to show him the view from one of the balconies. I had him sit on a couch, then I lit some candles, opened up the balcony where there was an awesome view of the city, TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS, and then stood in the doorway behind him and didn't do anything. Because my intentions were literally, to show him this great view. You can imagine his confusion. I didn't realize that I could of had it until I told a friend of mine about how the date went and she screamed, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? I'm really oblivious sometimes.