http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24890316/wid/11915829?GT1=40006

soon...

this monkey's gone to heaven...

http://www.iht.com/articles/2008/05/29/healthscience/brain.php

i'm in the final lap.

june 14, 2008 = 3 = emergence

after that, everything changes. so if you have anything to say or anything you want to know, speak now while this door is open or forever hold your peace.

landed in taiwan yesterday and i can already tell this is a mistake. i was the closest i've ever been to a 4-pack...in fact, i was 2 lbs below my driver's license weight which i haven't been at since i first passed my driving test at 16...and now i come to the gluttony capital of the world. well, maybe 2nd only to memphis.

we took the 1:30am flight out of san francisco, and then were served two meals on the plane which i tried to sleep through but michael was kind enough to wake me up for. he knows whatever i don't eat, he gets to spear off my tray so he was making damn sure i was getting served. we landed at 6am taipei time and my mom already had the first 3 meals planned.

we went to the usual place that sells all things greasy and started out with some chinese donuts (those fried sticks) which i won't eat, egg tortillas, grilled daikon cakes, pot stickers, scallion buns and sweetened soymilk. this set the thre of us back a total of about $5. we walked by a place selling scallion pancakes, but they griddled it on an egg with basil and hot sauce. i think those almost made the trip alone, but again, i could feel all my hard work and determination in striving for this 4-pack slipping through my greasy fingers.

my mom wanted to take us to the hospital to get checked out because it's cheap here. she wanted me to get my shoulder checked out but i really don't trust the doctors here, considering i barely trust anyone who's not a specialist in the states, and not without a 2nd opinion. but this is what happens when you're born into a family of asian hypochondriacs, so we were all herded into a taxi for a family outing to the hospital, where we all get checked for various things.

first of all, i hate hospitals. i think even if you were otherwise healthy, there's something about the energy of a hospital that makes people sick. so even if you go in perfectly healthy, if you spend too much time at a hospital, maybe psychosomatically, the place will wear you down. and then, going into an asian hospital, the fact that most of the people are wearing face masks just freaks me out.

it's like a deli in there. take a number, state your issue and they get you in and out within 5 minutes and the next number pops up on the display. i didn't like the doctor right away. i told him what hurt and he asked me why i was playing. i ignored him. he tested out my arm and said, this makes it feel like it's going to pop out, right? i think all this talk that i'd really hurt my arm had me babying it so i was afraid his twisting would hurt, but i realized, no it actually felt stable. i said no, and he asked me if i was sure. i said yes. he did it harder and the only thing that hurt was the deltoid, and when i told him, he said, that can't be, like i was lying to him and it was the most absurd thing i could have said to him. and i said, well, when it dislocated, the muscle was really sore afterwards and it's been less than a week since it happened so it makes sense that the muscle would still be sore. he asked me if it hurt in the front and he pushed harder. it was hurting now because he was pushing so hard and i said, no, it still just hurts in the back.

he twists my left arm and surprisingly, it feels the same, minus the muscle soreness.

then he tells me, the ligament is torn and if i ever want to play sports again, i'll need surgery.

i thought maybe it was the language barrier because what he was saying was absurd, given he was basing this off an xray and a manipulation test that didn't show joint instability which would point towards a torn ligament. i asked him to explain and he said the same thing. i told him, you can't tell a torn ligament from just an xray. you need an mri.

then he backpedals and says, well, what i mean is you need to get an mri. but if you've stretched your ligament or have torn it, you're still going to need surgery, unless you want to just quit sports for the rest of your life.

what? what about the wonders of physical therapy?

i think i started getting angry because again, you can't tell a torn ligament from just xrays and a manual manipulation test that shows no joint instability. plus, it would also depend on which ligament is torn and there are many options before surgery. and it was bothering me that i knew this and the doctor didn't seem to.

we went back and forth and then he was saying something about how i should come back when the shoulder specialist was in and i think i was talking to him like i thought he was an idiot and the nurse intervened and i just ejected from the conversation and asked for my slip and left.

i was pretty pissed because you just don't introduce something like that into someone's reality because it can manifest. if i have to have surgery, i'll deal with it, but you can't throw out a diagnosis that serious if you don't have the facts. you're a fucking doctor. be a little more responsible.

i guess after i left, my aunt went looking for me and had talked to the nurse. she found me and was like, the nurse told me you need surgery! fucking idiots.

but the truth is, i've been thinking a lot about it and a lot of people have been talking to me about it. i really felt that this injury was a warning. i've always been very intense about sports and pushing my body, and while i can get away with it while i'm young, at some point, i'll pay a price for it when i'm older. i want athletic kids and i want to be able to teach them basketball and play with them, and i know i'm going to be an older mom if i do have kids, so i want to be able to chase after them and not be gimpy.

so i think it's time to try to get really into yoga and/or pilates, or find some other outlet for my energy. the problem is that if i don't get it out athletically, it gets funneled into my head and then i'm up all night chattering in there and can't sleep. the problem really goes like this:

i have a high amount of mars energy. mars is passion/aggression or sex drive. you basically have two ways to get it out.

sex is a complicated matter with me. ideally, i think sex is best with someone i have a certain type of chemistry with, a connection that riles up a certain type of passion within me so that i can release that energy in all its intensity. my energy can be pretty intense. for me, there's a fine balance of things that make a person sexually attractive to me--a combination of wits, intelligence, physical attractiveness and then that big intangible "thing." i don't have a particular type, but when i find someone i'm attracted to, it's like this buzzing in my head until it hits me like lightning, and i know the sex will be really damn good...the kind where it's all passion, no seperation between where you end and the other person begins. but the difficult thing is, these types of connections are rare and are either there or not. i can't manufacture it even if i would really like to get it on the regular. it's just a matter of finding the right person with this type of connection or if they aren't around...working out A LOT. i'm also very shy in this respect as i'll never initiate, but usually the people who can connect with me in this way, have a good feeling that the door is there if they open it. it's a matter of if they want to though, as this type of a connection is a pretty serious surrender to a greater power beyond two people, so it usually gives men who are control freaks conniptions. i've learned even if the sexual attraction is great, not to waste my time with these types of guys and as strong as the pull is, i'll stay away from them.

on the flipside, in between those connections, i think i was programmed like a man. in times when i'm bored, i can have sex without getting emotionally involved and sometimes once i've pursued and gotten it from someone, i'm done. it was really about the pursuit. but being a woman, i recognize that's not always morally attractive, especially since the men sometimes get emotionally attached, so after a lot of messy entanglements when i was younger, i have a lot more self-control about these things. or i'm careful not to piss in my own pool.

i prefer the former to the latter though.

so often that leaves me with no outlet for this energy, thus my need for athletic activity and physical competition. weeks when my energy level is higher, i have to go to the gym twice a day or i can tell i'll be up all night. and sometimes i'm doing cardio for over 3 hours and it doesn't make a dent, though my body is wearing down.

i've gotta find a more productive solution for this. the key is balance and i think this injury is a warning to me that i need to find a balance. i can't have all this energy outletted athletically or i'm going to wear down my body too quickly, and i can't have it all outletted mentally or i'm going to drive myself crazy with the mental chatter and the insomnia. and i don't need to go out racking up sexual conquests. i think i really just need to find someone i have that specific connection with and get it on the regular, but not so much that i lose focus on everything else in my life, which sometimes happens. then i've gotta balance out that energy in the different areas of my life. i think this is something that's important for me to figure out right now.

in the meantime, i think i want to come home early. i'm supposed to be here until the 8th, but it just feels too long, especially when i'm going through such an important period of my life and i have a lot of work to do.

you know what pisses me off? when some asshole doctor in a foreign country tells me that i'm done with sports for life unless i have surgery on my shoulder for a torn ligament when he doesn't even do an mri.

it's not torn. stretched maybe which i can work with, but not torn.

It's That Time Again...

Sorry guys. I usually give you advanced warning, but the mercury retrograde is upon us again. The official period is May 26 to June 19th, but if you're a Gemini or Virgo, look out for its effects a week before and after, so don't sign any contracts or buy electronics until after June 26th. What does this mean for the new iPhone? I would wait a month until after it drops.

This retrograde occurs in Gemini so it's going to be particularly hard for Geminis, especially since it starts while many of us are having the sun tour our 12th house, or house of karmic ties, and deep, psychological issues. Basically, the 12th house is our emotional well and our blindspot, so anytime the sun tours that house and illuminates it, it draws our attention to our own unresolved psychological issues, unconscious patterns of thinking, feeling and acting and gives us a chance to release these issues so we can move on with less baggage. A mercury retrograde tends to slow things down as well and cause reflection, so this is a perfect time for Geminis to engage in some self-examination and decide what unresolved issues they can and really should let go before they start the new 12 month cycle. And any Gemini's who are turning 30 this year (I know a handful of you guys!) we're setting ourselves not only for an upcoming 12 month cycle, but a 29 year cycle so really take time to reflect in the upcoming weeks!

So as usual, a mercury retrograde affects communication, travel, electronics and agreements. Back up your computers and download any information on your cell phones to your computer. Don't buy any electronics during this period, and don't sign any contracts. Electronics bought during a retrograde usually have some kind of defect or will have issues, and contracts will have a problem or will turn out to not be advantageous to you. Double check travel plans and expect delays, and watch out for miscommunications between those around you. Take the time to make sure you're very clear in what you say and write, and if things are misconstrued, have the patience to work through it. Things will get less muddy at the end of the month.

Since this retrograde is in Gemini, everyone will also have a chance to reexamine the way they think and the way they communicate. Perhaps there are more effective means for you to communicate who you are and the things you want, or perhaps some of your thinking was shaped by childhood influences and experiences, and are no longer complementary or productive for who you are now as an adult. Now is the time to slow down, examine who you are and where you're going, and see what aspects of you aid in your path or detract from it. You have complete control over what you want to change!

Good luck everyone.

pictures from london now up on myspace.

i gave in and saw a doctor who said i was insane to pop my shoulder back in and keep playing. i am now bandaged to the hilt and have to keep my arm in a sling for at least a week, with no basketball for at least a month.

i look retarded with my arm in a sling.

this lady tried to get into it with me today. my mom, brother and i were at a cafe at santana row, this swanky shopping center in san jose. the place was packed with people waiting in line and sitting in the row of tables next to it, so you really had to squeeze by. i got up to get some milk for my tea and i tripped over the foot of this couple's table because they had pushed their table a little farther out than the others, and it was one of those things where i caught myself but ended up running halfway across the room to keep from falling, a hard task when you have your dominant arm in a sling and are carrying a glass of really hot tea. by the time i regained my balance, i was at least 10 feet away. i heard someone really angry yell, you better say excuse me. it was loud enough to make everyone turn and look. i stopped and turned around. it was this older woman, about 50, white and seemingly self-appointed upper class, indigenous to this shopping area. but the problem with that area is you get a lot of rich people who are arrogantly rich but richly unhappy. she was looking at me like i'd just thrown my tea in her face and she was ready to fight.

it's really hard for me to back down. it always has been and as much as i work on it, it's still hard. so she's glaring at me and i think she expected me to apologize (i'm a clumsy asian girl with her arm in a sling who almost just wiped out so why not), but instead i walk right up to her and say, excuse me?

i don't think she expected me to confront her, but she's not willing to back down.

she says in that condescending rich white lady tone, you should be old enough to know when you need to say excuse me.

i smile at her, real slowly like i'm sizing up prey, but i can feel that heat pulse in my chest where if we had been alone in an alley, i would have already grabbed her by the throat.

the guy she was with, a gentler older guy, patted her hand and said, it's fine, it's no big deal, then looked at me and said, everything's okay.

i look at him then at her. i would back down if she backs down, but she's sitting there looking justified.

i'm sorry i tripped over your table, i said to her, still smiling, but i know what my eyes look like. i leaned down, my eyes directly into hers, inches from her face. i lower my tone. would it make you feel better if i said excuse me while looking you in the eye and shaking your hand? i held out my hand that was in a sling and thrust it inches from her body. it was a power play. my mom said later that when i did that, she wondered if the woman thought i might hit her. my arm may look hurt but my energy was definitely dangerous.

you should have said excuse me, she says, not as sure anymore.

i'll happily say it now, i said. i'll be happy to say excuse me and shake your hand if it makes you feel better. My tone is teasing now, but i'm still sizing her up like meat and my eyes are cold.

i'm not going to shake your hand, she says, sitting straight in her chair and backing her body away.

i laugh then say cheerfully, then i guess i don't need to shake yours!

abruptly turn and walk away.

unfortunately we had the table right next to her. when i walked back, the guy saw me coming and quickly looked down, averting his eyes. i would have smiled at him. i have no beef with him. when i sat down, michael was a little upset so we started talking in chinese about some people who are just nasty, negative people. i was telling my mom that it seems like we have a lot of incidences in this shopping area, and just earlier, michael had accidentally bumped a girl and she had glared at him and then demanded that she and her boyfriend leave. i said, some people just look for fights. i must have said fights in english (sometimes i mix english with chinese, depending on what language provides the most accurate words to convey meaning) and i guess the woman thought we were talking about her, so she starts loudly talking about us.

behind me, i hear her say, "people trying to come into our neighborhood where they don't belong and start fights with people bigger than they are."

what she meant by our neighborhood, was "a place for rich people." what she meant by people who are bigger, was "people who are richer." I quickly looked at my mom to see what she was wearing, and it was all designer and well put together, and my mom sports some major bling.

i myself am wearing a $500 watch and a four-figure piece of jewelry, but that's not the point because i don't care about money or bling... i wear these things because they're sentimental pieces.

my point is, we didn't look "not rich." we didn't look like this wasn't "our neighborhood" as well. which leads me to believe this was a racist comment.

but i ignore her because in my mind, if she's a 50 year old woman who needs to loudly talk shit about people because she's uncomfortable that they may be talking shit about her in another language, she's an idiot.

we just keep talking at a polite conversational level, and i purposely say funny things so that we're laughing. we're still talking in chinese, so she tries to switch to a different language, too, but i notice the guy was completely silent by now, not even trying to calm her down anymore.

my mom notices a table across the room open up. do you guys want to move, she asks? yes, we say. so we all jovially move to the other table, still chatting away, no one even acknowledging her. we see they get up a few minutes later and leave.

i know i shouldn't get so hot-headed and walk into confrontations, but i have a bad habit of letting pride take over, especially when the person being stupid is someone i know i can intimidate. i asked my mom if i should have walked away and she said that i could of, but then it was also good that i did it because a lot of asian people would have apologized and backed off whereas the woman could tell i was strong and wasn't going to take her crap. my mom was happy because she felt like we'd won, that we'd gotten the last word in by ignoring her, then moving to get away from her because we didn't want to be around her.

i told her that the thing that really bothered me was that neighborhood comment and my mom started telling me about how in life and in business, so much really is measured by success and status, so if you have certain things and dress a certain way, people will be afraid to mess with you. i think that's true to an extent, that people measure status in those ways.

but i also told her that in a way, it's good that we weren't dressed like slobs so she could pull a bullshit money card. but the thing is, if you measure wealth by the level of happiness or contentment in your life, then who do you think is more wealthy...me, or a 50 year-old woman who has to pick fights with strangers at a cafe? clearly she's an unhappy person who wants to spread it, because people who are happy spread happiness and let the meaningless things slide. if someone had tripped over my table, i would be more likely to apologize and move it out of the way, or let it go. and i'm sure once i had caught my balance and stopped freaking out internally from having almost fallen, i would have turned around and if it looked like i had disrupted them, i would have apologized. but she was a miserable bully and i wasn't going to back down, but at the end of the day, i think that people who act that way probably don't have great lives so i'll go on with mine and let her go on with hers.

i think that was a test though.

i think i could have done better, i could have reduced it to one polite but dismissive line and walked away which would have given me the situational win, but i didn't lose on a personal level--i stayed in control of myself, i was polite at every point, and i didn't back down in a way that was respectful to myself.

it's funny though. ever since i started consciously living life more positively and avoiding negative people and situations, i haven't had very many encounters like this. which is why i really think this was a test.

Shia LaDouche.

and the biggest secret of all...the biggest secret of all...

this has been the month of secrets hasn't it, fellow geminis.

stay strong. we're the cats that got the mouse.

i've been behaving fairly well for a while now, don't you think?

closing note for tonight...

the thing you think you should be doing, is probably the thing you should be doing.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24799880&GT1=43001

I really don't even know where to begin.

Though I do feel that I would be more terrified being at a beach that collects right feet than one that collects lefts.

my left brain would like to share metacognition with you.

he's been feeling left out.

i believe not every human being is a sapient being.

but i also believe it can be learned.

when the sun and the moon come together in an eclipse, the planet doesn't disintegrate.

it's silly to believe it would, isn't it?

well, the same goes for the two realms of a person's inner universe.

the first is the acknowledgment of both realms and the understanding that both are powerful forces.

the second is to understand that these powerful forces belong to you and only you. you have full ownership but ownership only comes fully realized when an understanding of responsibility is developed through wisdom.

the third is that the way to unleash this power, is to unite them.

david im'd me to say good morning today, at the exact time i woke up and got out of bed, going straight to the computer because i had a feeling he was around.

it still amazes me but i'm not as surprised anymore.

it's really all about circles and completion.

i took some time to myself to meditate today, and i feel that there are friends out there who could really use a good hug.

so i'm sending one to those of you, to let you know i'm thinking about you and sending you support.

i just remembered something.

a couple of weeks ago, i had a really bad shoulder injury (nothing close to today's but worrisome, nevertheless), but i totally dismissed it. i even refused to ice it, just daring it to hurt. so it didn't. and i played well the next day, was actually kind of a beast, and no one knew i was injured. it was my secret that day, what was fueling me.

the next day, i was im-ing with david and he was telling me something about happiness and parks and his usual hyper-cheerful stuff, and i guess i wasn't really paying attention. then he says that he meant to ask me...is there something wrong with your shoulder?

what's amazing is i had forgotten about my shoulder. so i said, no, i don't think so.

he asks me if i'm sure. because his right shoulder had been really aching the last couple of days and he had wondered if my shoulder was hurting.

i'm still thinking, nooo...i have no idea...when i remember oh yeah, i had a shoulder injury that i am adamantly denying the existence of. so i say, actually it is hurt, and i tell him about it. he says i should really get it checked out and we continue on to other topics, never acknowledging if it might be unusual for someone to psychically pick up someone's ailment from a continent away.

well, today i fucked it pretty badly and still, i honestly feel this injury was a warning. i knew i should tell him about it.

so he's at work and we're im-ing, and i'm telling him about it and he's slowly freaking out. he's telling me me how i have to be careful and i should take the injury more seriously. i'm telling him that i am, and i truly believe i am serious, because otherwise i wouldn't have told him about it. he's getting worked up but he's so polite about it, and he's at work juggling customers and wanting talk about this and i think he might have snapped at someone for browsing for too long because he was trying to get back on. finally he just calls. he's kind of laughing and himself when he calls but he's serious. he says he'd thought about it before if there's anything i could possibly do that could make him mad and he'd decided he couldn't think of anything, but that i'd managed to find something that makes him mad, by not taking better care of myself. he's laughing but serious and i'm laughing but serious, and it was this thing where we'd finally broken through another barrier for a small but vital victory, my fear that he might demand that i be perfect replaced with an insight that this man is happy when he's taking care of me.

i'm taking you seriously, i told him. everything you're saying, i'm taking it seriously.

Possibly my favorite restaurant ever...

Wapping Food, part of the Wapping Project in London.

It's a former power station converted into an art exhibition center and restaurant, a beautiful industrial space where you can eat alongside hydraulic equipment. Check out this link for pictures and reviews.

The menu is limited but everything we had was delicate, creative and sublime, and the service was incredible. the hostess kept coming by and offering to take pictures of us with our camera and was very friendly.

But it's really about having amazing food in a formerly abandoned but now vibrant space that made me fall in love with its unique energy.

It reminds me of the Hollywood Bowl in a way. A holy place of a different type of worship, where something about its energy puts you in touch with something so much greater than you.

well well well...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24777532/?GT1=43001

i was playing basketball today and i could already feel it was going to be a weird day.

the little hispanic guy was at me again, insisting on giving me a hug. even while we played, i think he grabbed me too hard at one point, trying to hug me from behind and i had to buck him off. because I have a massive bruise on my right wrist where he was pinning my arms. i ended up saying i didn't want him to guard me after we beat his team. he asked me why and i said, because you're a pervert. i think i was also worried about how physical he was. we went up for a rebound at the same time and i got bumped, and it was one of those things where I got flipped so I was parallel to the ground, and the moment it happened, I knew my legs were spun out from under me and I was going to land on my back. I was able to twist just enough so my left arm took the brunt of the fall, but it was scary. it knocked the wind out of me. of course, i got up right away because i really believe you can't give a negative reality too much time or opportunity to set in.

i guarded the fast asian kid who wears goggles instead, and i sagged off because i knew the guy making the inbound pass would see him and make the lazy pass in, giving me an easy steal. i saw him see the guy standing in the key and i knew he wasn't even going to look to see where i was so i jumped as the ball left his hands, a clean, easy steal.

but then something kind of terrible happened. my shoulder, which has been annoyingly popping out and back in the last few months when i raise my arm too fast or when i catch a high pass one-handed, popped out. and for the first time in my life, it didn't pop back in. it felt like my deltoid had gotten twisted so my shoulder couldn't get back into the socket. i was holding my arm and trying to figure out which way i would have to jerk it to push it back in, but i couldn't and i was calmly freaking out because any injury on the basketball court means they call in the "doctor," and i didn't want to see the dark dc. this encounter needed to be avoided at all costs. yet the pain was so intense and i was honestly more worried about preventing this encounter.

fuck it hurt. i couldn't bend my arm or lift it, but somehow, i pushed it back in with a pop. then i shook it out and kept playing. i couldn't really lift my arm for a while and had no strength, but after a few minutes, my arm did come back to life and make the game-winning shot. a driving bank shot from the right which was an unusual shot for me in and of itself. but i'm glad it ended the game, though i must not have taken it very seriously because i stayed and played another and then went and did some light weights to try to strengthen the areas around my shoulder. but in hindsight, i realize i basically dislocated my shoulder and it got locked out of socket, then i had to pop it back in manually, which is kind of serious, though a little lethal weapon, but without the mel-gibson feather-mullet. i saw a shoulder dislocation happen to a guy on the court once and he was on the floor crying so they had to call the paramedics. i didn't really think about how serious it was until i was in such pain tonight, i managed to sit through an entire movie and have no recollection of a good hour of it because it was so distracting. i don't know why i didn't realize how much pain i was really in.

i have to rest it. it's a little scary, what happened. it made me realize again how my will is stronger than my body, and i have to be careful because i have an incredible capacity to ignore physical pain, which can be detrimental to my health. i think this is something i really have to start seriously considering.

on a different note, why's everyone staring at me and commenting that i got tan? i think i look different and people can tell there's something different about me, but they seem to relate it to the tone of my skin. even when that guy ben, whom i've never met, commented on me being tan as though he was surprised that i'd gotten so tan...there's something they're seeing that they don't seem to quite know what they're seeing, and i can't figure out what it is.

something is happening today. the energy is everywhere.

the problem is not that hillary is a woman. the problem is that she's a scorpio.

i met an artist in london who didn't understand the power of her own paintings.

so i borrowed some of that energy.

some believe in the power of 2.

some believe in the power of 3.

i believe in the power of 9.

so where does that leave us?

some people create their realities. some people scare themselves into creating disappointing realities. some people don't believe that reality exists. some people can find things but have not learned how to hold on to them. some people can sit in one place and make the mountains move to them. some people should work harder studying the other team before the fourth quarter. some people need to decide if they're playing to not lose or playing to win.

i am not some people. i am me. but does it really matter who i am, as much as what i am?

last week we were looking at a canary. the gemini said, i just hate it when i see birds in cages.

no one responded. he said again, more quietly to himself, like in pet stores, i hate seeing birds caged up.

i think he figured no one was listening but i was and i understood what he meant. we geminis are birds in cages, always wondering what it would mean to spring free. he looked up and was surprised to meet my eyes and see me smiling. i quickly looked away. i'm careful about not getting involved.

maybe all this is just one big distraction keeping me from having the conversation i really should be having.

everything. is everything

the more i talk about it. the less i do control.

everything. means everything

can't understand a word. half of the stuff i'm sayin.

-phoenix

i've been sitting down the last couple of nights, starting out blog posts and not knowing how to write them. most of them get saved as drafts for me to look at the morning after, but i know i'll never go back to them, because sometimes i'm afraid to encounter who i was the night before. so i'm going to make a stream of consciousness run for it. fuck the prison guards.....

a lot of what i want to say i can only express in symbols that i've brought to life with understanding, but it's a language requiring another native mind. so i don't know exactly what to do.

i'll start with this.

today, out of the blue, there was a thunderstorm.

i wasn't expecting it, and when i heard thunder, a part of me skipped with hope but i dismissed it as someone downstairs moving furniture. when i saw a flash of lightning, i think my entire insides jumped with happiness as i realized what it meant. spent the afternoon sitting on the balcony watching the rain accompanied by grumbles of thunder, drinking tea and feeling joyous, patiently waiting for someone to reach out to me.

and then something unexpected happened. it's frustratingly within the realm of things i don't understand, but i feel it was a positive thing. i no longer feel the need to understand everything.

so we joyously move forward, onto the next leg of our journey.

*****

the trip.

do people really want to know about the trip?

i sometimes wonder if it's impolite to be so open about one's personal life so i try not to impose on people. plus, i try to respect people's privacy.

but it almost didn't happen.

up until the day before, i couldn't visualize the next day and where i would be.

see, i'm someone who sometimes works backwards. for example, if i want to go out for dinner, i don't think, i'm going to get pizza, and head over to the pizza place. i think, where do i see myself eating tonight?, and i try to visualize where i see myself, because that will be the place where i'll be eating. unfortunately, my life has featured many nights of driving around for hours until i ended up eating at home, because when i tried to visualize myself eating out, i couldn't. is it self-fulfilling prophecy? or a projected destiny? i don't bother thinking about it too much. i just go with it.

but i couldn't see where i would be on the day of my flight, until he called and i heard his voice, and i suddenly remembered who he was. and then it was all instantly okay, everything in its right place.

there was one thing though, one thing not sorted out back home. one thing that would prevent me from being open to everything i was about to walk into. so after being sleepless for 8 hours of the flight, i took out my notebook and wrote a letter i would never send. and really, i was explaining it all to myself.

i landed in london, with 3 hours before a connecting flight to amsterdam, so i had a last chance to decide if i wanted to back out. i sat in the airport, the memory of where i'd come from locked away in a windowless compartment, and an overwhelming blank swirling in front of me, massive and magnetic and completely opaque. if i was to move forward, i would be required to do so on faith.

so again, i detached myself and got on the plane.

i think we were both nervous. to both be reserved people doing the craziest thing our little practical selves had ever imagined, i think we were both bracing ourselves for disappointment and a realization that we'd been chasing a fantasy. but we slowly started recognizing each other again, a recognition that seemed to go so far back, past the concept of linear time.

we've always known each other.

i'd recognized him from my recurring dreams last year.

he'd recognized me as his other half.

we spent a relaxing week in amsterdam. people don't start work until 11am, and it stays light out until well past 10, so the evening is full of that light dusk sky sighing with freedom that i love so much. we talked a lot, often being the last people to leave restaurants. endless topics, discoveries and debates. rarely flirting, but sometimes out of the corners of our eyes, we catch people staring at us. i introduced the englishman to sake bombs. i advertised it as giving a person bubbles in their head. i converted him to the cult of the sake bomb, something we had to do discreetly at a chinese restaurant whose staff thought we were alcoholics when we ordered 8 beers and two carafes of sake.

i got to help out in his shop for a day, mostly just greeting people and asking what they were looking for, even though i couldn't understand anyone. when it wasn't busy, i snuck out and took a picture with an alien. see...aliens look asian. that dude is clearly japanese:

we took an early flight to london, then a four hour drive to mersea, the island town where he's from. i like that he's an island boy. we stayed with his mother and her husband. they were a really cute couple, very comfortable life companions. i met his younger brother ian, and had a nice english roast dinner that was pretty fantastic. i was a little shy but families tend to like me so it was okay and i was comfortable. i was ridiculously excited inside when his mom brought out photo albums while we were cleaning up. my god, he was a beautiful child.

we retired to the den where we watched bbc and talked of politics and extreme sports. seriously. his mother insisted i try some ginger ale with my whiskey, but it was warm so...you can imagine. i offered some to david and he feigned enthusiasm and said, mmmmm...that's lovely. later that night, he asked me if i really enjoyed ginger ale with whiskey and i said, no, his mother had been so excited about it that i wanted to be polite. he said he was glad i told him because it saved me from 30 years of him putting ginger ale in my whiskey.

we left the next day after a huge breakfast of bread, ham, cheeses, and meat pies, the experience probably giving me a lifelong love for milk tea. we headed to the home of one of his best childhood friends and his wife in the town of colchester.

the place felt deep in the country, and we pulled up next to a chicken pen. i kind of really enjoyed that. ben greeted us and noticed we were tan. and you're really tan!, was the first thing he said me, which i thought funny and bizarre because he said it in a way that sounded like he knew me and was surprised i'd gotten so tan since the last time he saw me. he was the artistic type, the guy who belonged on a beach, whose strength radiates out in a resoundingly masculine way. i could tell he was also a gemini. his wife, kaz, was bright and airy like a butterfly caught in a windstorm, gently infusing her environment with electricity. their house was from the 16th century, held together with rich, fossilizing beams and new discoveries of hung knick knacks scattered around every room. it was like some magical treehouse antique store, where discovered objects allow you to travel to your past. but then at night, they told us the room where we'd be sleeping used to be where they stored the bodies from the bubonic plague. i was kind of amused by that turn of events.

we went out where we introduced everyone to sake bombs. i efficiently got a room full of strangers drunk. and then i watched them and i tried to understand them.

ben is a vegetarian but he eats seafood. david thought kaz was a vegetarian but she had mentioned to me that she eats meat. i'm not sure what all this means. ian is somewhat hardheaded, but he's soft at heart. i would be surprised if he wasn't a good person. he brought up his exgirlfriend and everyone kind of groaned. he still holds a candle for her, and it made me really hope she's a good person so she will be kind to him.

there was more beer at the restaurant, and then on to a drum & bass club that was overrun by teenagers. my favorite was the fat one in glasses with the bouncing tits. he looked like that kid in stand by me, but i was kind of proud of him, for getting on that dance floor and having the courage to follow his friends and try to grind a girl.

then something happened at the club, something small but resounding. i can't figure out the energy of this town, so i didn't get involved. there was something else there, the overlap of another reality, and then i saw something that i probably shouldn't have seen. but i didn't want to get involved so i detached myself from it. i couldn't believe when david became sad later. i was determined to hide my hurt, even though a person always knows when there's a room inside someone else into which they may never enter, often for their own good.

i was kind of relieved to go the next day. not because i didn't have an amazing time and enjoy the company, but because i didn't want to think about things anymore.

we drove the hour and a half to london without really speaking. i think i was probably the creator of that, since i was deep in debate with myself and wanted to sort out my head alone.

the next few days were more stable. i met his newlywed older brother and his wife and headed to their adorable home for a bbq. again, efficiently got a room full of strangers blitzed with sake bombs. they were amazing people, very funny and easy-going. i learned that when you toast someone, you look them directly in the eye and do not waver.

everything was going well, when i enountered david's saturn-conjunct-moon (there are only two people i've met who have this and generously, they've both taught me a lot about this). i confronted it visualizing the mood-slaying of the princess of swords, the image of myself i decided to go into this trip with. (these were the symbols that helped me visualize what energies were at play, not like i treat my life like dungeons and dragons or some shit). what this means is basically, some men are so afraid of or conflicted by their emotional vulnerability, that they can be very emotionally reactive to defend it. often this comes from a hard, demanding male authoritative figure in childhood who caused a person to repress his emotions, so that the handling of emotions is inconsistent and can often come in an outburst of strong emotional sometimes inappropriate reactions. sometimes if the mother had the dominant role in the household, it would signify the mother as the source. regardless, emotions can be repressed until something triggers a past trauma that causes the person to roar like someone snuck up on their behind with a hot cattle prod.

in this case, i think he was feeling sad about me leaving and about potentially having to miss my birthday because of work, but he got sulky andwhen i tried to open up the subject and he didn't want to talk about it, i just ended up purposely ignored it. which caused a quiet, restrained argument in our favorite place, the subway. i told him to relax, that i promise we'll talk but we should do it where we're free to talk. i laughed and told him everything was okay and he looked relieved because i wouldn't lie. back at the hotel, i explained to him, just because i'm not highly emotive, doesn't mean i don't care. you can't try to provoke me to check if i get emotional as proof that i care, because it's just going to make me mad. i told him that it would be easy for me to get emotional and we could go head to head, but the reason i try to stay calm and stay focused that we're on the same team, is so i don't get mad and say or do anything that can't be taken back.

i told him that if he relaxes, we can work things out, but he can't get emotionally reactive to the point where he's completely wrapped up in being upset, because his being upset doesn't change the fact that i'm upset. you can't bully a person out of being upset, i told him. but we can talk about it and figure out what happened together so that we can get back on the same page.

i think he was embarrassed and i really didn't want him to be because everything was okay. i know sometimes with emotions, we just freak out.

i ask him, remember at the beginning of the trip, i told you we were going to have a big argument two days before i leave? yes, he says. it's true. i wasn't really serious when i said it, just a throwaway comment, but somewhere i had a feeling that two days before would be when the sadness over the separation would hit. and here we were, two days before i was to leave, having the necessary conflict to achieve more understanding.

i think a woman can help heal some aspects of this type of trauma by allowing a man to back his emotions down safely, once he realizes that he feels exposed, so that when he calms down he can hopefully understand what happened happened in a safe, protected place and that no one has judged him. i really think if men had a safe place to feel more comfortable expressing their vulnerability, insecurities and their perceived weaknesses, they would feel so much better about themselves, giving them more inner integrity to become much better leaders.

the rest of the trip was good, even when we said goodbye. but then i could already feel my memory loss creep in once we were separated in the airport, and it only deepened once i was nestled inside the safe confines of my home base. what is anything in this life, but part cold, stone reality and part projected illusion? if you focus hard enough, can you interchange the two?

when i'm alone, the question i really face myself with is...am i 100% willing to commit to a belief that magic exists?

i've lost an hour to distraction, staring at a picture of a gay man's perfect abs and chest on facebook while contemplating brain hemispheres and the perception of time.

is that strange?

I'm back!

A steady diet of processed meat, chips, beer, milk tea and pastries, and I've lost weight. Go figure. 3 lbs closer to a 4 pack...

People have been asking if I've secretly gotten married.

Wouldn't that be funny.

Over the years, I've come to an understanding that the things that matter most to me, I keep the most private. I'll even be seemingly dismissive or deflective about something that I care a lot about, because things and people that are special to me are cherished with an almost transcendental quality, and I don't want other people coming in and destroying the innocence of that, whether intentional or unintentional. If something means a lot to me, I protect it from the prying minds and hands of others. I didn't understand it until I read about Venus in the 12th house, which really helped me come to peace with it and recognize what things matter to me. Venus in the 12th means secret relationships. I used to be freaked out because I read a lot about this placement that talked about it meaning affairs and a life of tortured unhappiness in romance because of idealism and its ensuing disillusionment. I've never cheated and am morally uncomfortable with the idea of carrying on with someone attached, but I think the way I output this energy is I keep my romantic relationships and feelings a heavily protected secret. If I'm idealistic in romance, then let the two worlds be seperate so the light of reality may never shatter it, when dreams can coexist just as well as reality on different planes. I tend to hide my true feelings with how deeply I hide in direct proportion to how strongly I feel. But if someone can find me and give me a safe space to show what secrets I hold, I'll let them into a private world full of rich, passionate feelings that's not tainted by anything from the outside.

Last week I wrote that the problem with a person who is deceptively outgoing or aloof as a way to protect their internal shyness is that they won't be able to draw in other people who are shy like themselves. It really did make me sad because someone who has the ability to see and understand the real, private you will have a hard time realizing you're there through your smokescreen. But sometimes, a person will just naturally slip through or disable your defenses just because of who they are. It's my sword in the stone theory. Arthur pulled the sword from the stone because he was the right person. A person will pull the thorn from your heart when he is the right person.

I can wait.

I'm in Amsterdam again and whereas the last time I was here, I was getting hailed on and wearing almost all of the clothes I brought at the same time in layers, the weather here is like LA--my first day it was in the 90's. It's been beautiful all week.

I really made the right choice coming. It came down to the 11th hour, but everything fell into place and the right door opened, which was the door I was hoping for, though I don't think I ever let myself really imagine how good it would be.

I believe there are four ways people can connect -- mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. If you find someone you connect seamlessly with on all four, you may have found your other half.

Well, the day started off so fucked and then it ended on a surprising note. Everything ended up working out, including the fact I forgot to pack underwear for my trip. I ran to the mall to get some and then went into the vitamin store because I'm that person who likes to browse nutritional supplements the way some people like to browse porn. Met a couple of cool dudes and hung out talking about training, diet and living in different cities. One of the guys is training for that strong man competition where they're lugging around trucks and flipping giant tires around. I was telling him how N.O. Xplode is crack, and he hooked me up with a few scoops since I didn't want to buy a whole tub.

I went to SF with my mom and a real estate agent to look at a place out there, and I hated the sales person's attitude. I was thinking how, if I were her, how I would treat each customer, how I would read each customer and realized, I would be really good at her job. There are a few things career-wise I know I'm have a lot of interest in and passion for -- food, fitness & nutrition, real estate, psychology/human nature. I think writing and directing is my expression of my obsession with human nature and life, but it's something that's dependent upon life experience. I'm still early in my journey of exploring people and life, so there's no rush on that. The work is made public when it's ready. I've got my business plan for the food chain that fills a niche currently not on the market, but this is not the economy for the implementation of that. Which leaves fitness & nutrition and real estate. The fact that I was basically raised in a gym (it was my second home growing up. Before I could drive, I would just be dropped off at the gym after school and have to hang out there until 8 or 10pm when my parents got off work and could pick me up), and sometimes as a default, I just go to the gym because I feel comfortable and safe there. I would love to work in a gym and get into personal training. But that feels more like a hobby. I think in terms of work, in terms of a job that's competitive but where I enjoy talking about what I'm selling and have the opportunity to meet many different people, working for a development company as a sales associate selling units of new developments would be great. I would be good at it and I would be working for large, professional companies in high risk/high reward situations. The level of investment from the companies would create a great deal of pressure on the sales people, which would give me the level of intensity and self-competition that I need to thrive. And if ultimately, my goal is to make a lot of money and meet a lot of people so that in 5-10 years, I can supply myself with the funds and material to finance my own film projects, I think this would be a great fit.

So I realized this and I was happy.

Then my cousin called, the cousin I've had a rivalry with all my life who I never liked or trusted. He wanted to hang out and I'm not that comfortable around him because I think he's sneaky, but I figured, it'll either suck or we'll finally bury the hatchet. And it turned out, we buried the hatchet and it was good. It would be really nice to be friends with him, to be able to be supportive of each other. I recognize one of the reasons I hated him as a kid, was that he had a blessed childhood...he had a functional family where both parents adored him and he got whatever he wanted and yet he seemed to always be scheming. And I think I was just really jealous of that, that if I had parents who paid attention to me, I would just be happy with that. But as an adult, I really see the childishness of those thoughts and that anger, and that in other ways, I was blessed as well. It was a good evening.

I think the turning point of the day was really when things just seemed to be going wrong like a domino effect, and I had just had a fight with my dad over something stupid. I was in my car and thinking how fucked the day was and how everything was going wrong, and I thought, if I keep thinking that, it's going to perpetuate a bad day. I have to change my attitude. So I started noticing things, like that person on the street looked happy, or that was a beautiful house, and thinking about how grown up Michael has gotten and the things I looked forward to this summer. And I think just energy and focus-wise, it really turned my day around.

I'm furious right now. So angry my chest hurts. And the thing that frustrates me most is I don't know my next step so I can't go sprinting off anywhere to fix things and remedy this feeling. I'm trying to cool down, doing every tactic I know, slow breathing, distracting my mind, taking a cold shower, remembering that I'm bigger than this and trying to expand outside of the feeling, but I just want to destroy something. Smash something. Hurt someone. Where is all this anger coming from? I haven't felt this way, this destructive in years. It's scaring me because I'm refusing to take this out on anything externally, let this anger touch anyone or anything else so I can already feel myself stalking the other half of myself that's optimistic and happy all the time. I hear myself threatening it, scaring it, blaming it. Why does anger always want to destroy the things that are beautiful and naive? It's so fucked up. I'm so fucked up. My mind has got to maintain control here and talk my emotional side down.

today has the potential for miracles. i could sure use some help with clarity right now.

sore knee is keeping me up. it's been bothering me a lot the last week as i've been working on my vertical. i could high five the backboard when i was 15 before i tore the cartilage coming down from a rebound and got scared of jumping too high. wonder if i'll ever slap that backboard again.

i love rie for many things, including taking this sweet picture of my brother and my mom.

I read once in an astrology analysis that I can come off aloof or unaffectionate because I'm actually shy and sensitive, and that's how I protect myself until I get to know people to figure out if they're trustworthy. But it said the problem is, while I'm being that way as protection, it also has the result of keeping away other shy and sensitive people who are the very people who would be able to understand my sensitivity and form rewarding relationships based on mutual understanding with me.

That's kind of fucked up, isn't it? Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I also read a quote once that said, any decision you make out of fear, will be the wrong decision.

What about decisions made out of obligation?

Why is that the hardest thing for me? I guess I know why. I guess the question is, will I ever let myself be okay with refusing obligation when it's not fair to me.

Maybe that's why I'm so intense about my freedom and autonomy. It's not about being afraid to be vulnerable. I think when people get closer to me and find the sensitive side, the more private side of me, they realize I basically wear my vulnerability on my sleeve, though it would be a mistake to misinterpret vulnerability as weakness. I'm like a little kid who's willing to share everything and give my loved ones everything. And when others are vulnerable around me, truly vulnerable instead of using affected vulnerability as a way of manipulating compassion and obligation, I'm always very careful and gentle. For someone to be vulnerable around you is the highest gift, the ultimate in trust. There's a reason why my brother trusts me more than anyone else in this world. Because I know he trusts me unconditionally, I do everything humanly possible, even if it means my complete sacrifice, to protect him, to not fail him or hurt him, and he knows that. One of my duties in life is to protect his innocence, protect his ability to love unconditionally, protect the way he sees the best and the most beautiful out of life and people, because for innocence to exist in this world of corruption and chaos, it's like a rose garden in full bloom in the middle of a devastated, blackened war zone. You have to protect it, because if innocence in its purest, most exalted form no longer existed, then the world has been overtaken by darkness and we've lost hope.

People who can see me and understand me tend to get the most (and the best) from me, though I recognize, not everyone who I want to will really see me because I keep so much hidden, though it's all hidden in plain sight. I'll tell you everything you want to know. I rarely outright lie unless I don't know you and it's protective. But the more you are willing to show me that you are trustworthy, the more straightforward I'll be. I think if we lived in an ideal world where there weren't people out there who take advantage of others capable of high levels of compassion and selflessness, I wouldn't be this way. The problem is that if people are unscrupulous enough, it's easy to figure out that I'm defenseless against obligation. That if you make me feel responsible enough, it's almost impossible for me to allow myself to consciously let someone down, even if I suspect they may just be manipulating me. But if I find enough proof that someone been manipulating me for sure, hell hath no fury...

The shadow side of the healer is the warrior.

I used to describe it as this. Imagine that you live in a house on a prairie. And since people don't want random riftraft walking up to their front door, they usually build a fence around their property. Some people build their fences further out, so even if people come in, there's a buffer between the fence and the house. Some people build their fences too close to their front door. Some people don't build fences at all, but that's how you get houseguests that eat all your food, sleep with your daughter and never leave, so you really are better off at least building a friendly, unassuming fence. My point is, after a childhood of getting bullied and taken advantage of, I finally wisened up and built a fence. But I kind of built it too close to my house, so I go around acting like it's electrified and only telling people who look trustworthy where the gate is because I know, once they get past the fence and walk up to my front door, I don't have the guts not to invite them in. And I'm so sick of bad people eating my food, sleeping with my daughter and refusing to leave. Cool people, no problem. Eat my food. Sleep with my daughter. Hang out and smoke weed. But the problem is really when bad people get in because sometimes my being polite makes it hard for me to ask people to leave.

I know I'm getting kind of bent out of shape about this whole thing, so I can't stop talking about it. I think it's because I'm frustrated but I don't feel I'm articulating. I know I have a light and shadow side and I am quite capable of being less than noble, but I own all of it. But the one thing I never do, is force my will on people if it's for my own benefit without their benefit as well. If I'm being an asshole or if I'm one way and people don't like it, if people make it clear to me I'll own it because it's a part of me and a person has to own the entirity of themselves. And if it makes more sense and I can understand how, I'll often change an aspect of me that is not contributing to my being the kind of person I want to be. But it scares me and frustrates me when people misunderstand me but decide that's just what I am without really understanding or by just summing it up in a label. I hate labels. Labels destroy the essence that makes things alive.

This isn't exactly the same thing, but it reminds me of when I started the first grade, I started later then everyone else so I was the new kid, and I was too shy to really talk to anyone and make friends. This older girl saw this cool watch I had on and wanted it, so she told the teacher I'd stolen it from her. So I got in trouble and the teacher took the watch away and gave it to her, and for the rest of the day, everyone called me a thief. I kind of knew they didn't know me and they didn't know better, but I had no way of changing their idea of me, no concrete proof or way of articulating reason, and I didn't know what to do because the girl was wrong, the teacher was wrong, everyone was fucking wrong, but no one would listen to me. And the fact I couldn't get it sorted out myself, that I needed my dad to come to school with the receipt for the watch to sort it out for me, that I couldn't even fight my own battle because I couldn't make people listen and understand...that just made me feel powerless. And it made me lose a lot of faith in people. I know it's an old issue and I'm over it mentally, but I think sometimes when you have a bad experience that makes you feel powerless, emotionally, it's all still there...the "what if" of it happening all over again. Thinking about that day still makes me feel that metallic whine of panic inside my chest even though the experience can't touch me anymore. Maybe in a way, this issue is about power, but not in the way people think or in the normal sense of the word.

A person's personal strength comes from their ability to feel strong, to feel expansive, to feel confident in themselves and their ability to exercise dominion over their path and their reality. Power for me means wholeness, completion, an integration of the complete self so that your highest potential of energy flows clearly and strongly throughout you. In this way, my own personal power is important to me because to feel it means that I feel confident and complete. I could care less about power over another person, over external elements as a way to exercise my ego. But if I lose my ability to articulate, if external forces have assigned an untruth to me, a label that diminishes me and my expression of myself holistically, then yes, I think it fractures me and makes me feel weak, as though I have no power over myself and my path.

Ultimately, I strive to be a good person because I want people to have faith that good does exist. It doesn't have to be in me, but in something, because I've known what it was like to lose faith, to have people disappoint me or be outright vicious, cruel or deceptive. To have people who have decided on the intention of destroying the security, hopes and dreams of others who perhaps naively in their eyes, still believe that life means possibilities and goodness, not negativity and dog-eat-dog darkness, maybe because somewhere along the way, some evil person took it away from them. To have people take things away from you just because they could, because in that moment, at that point in your life, you weren't strong enough to stand up for yourself, that shouldn't extinguish a person's fire. I wouldn't want anyone to have to lose their faith permanently, to lose their hope that there's a positive force in life, that that force lives within so many things in this universe and so many people who try to do the right thing and protect the positive things in life that are worth fighting for, that in the end, truth prevails. Because I truly believe that life is worth living and there are positive forces out there that stand strong against the negative forces every day.

I think maybe all this spinning today is just bad feeling that will blow over tomorrow. I'm probably just having one of those days where I'm not feeling good, where it feels like my heart is slowly breaking.

On a different topic, I'm starting to think now.

Is the challenge to go or to not go?

To go would be the potential to bring something new into my life. A new experience, uncharted territory.

But is it really uncharted territory? Sometimes the names and places may change, but the lesson remains the same. I recognize certain things.

Is this the same pattern that has gotten me in trouble in the past and now, amidst my saturn return, I have the opportunity to show the universe that I learned my lesson that almost destroyed me years ago and can move on to a higher level without repeating this lesson? I will have really let myself down if I get into that situation again.

I heard myself say it today a few times and I think I was telling myself more than other people. I have a bad habit of getting into situations that are not great for me because I don't want to hurt other people's feelings. I have a tendency to be willing to make the first compromise, and while I know it has to do with my upbringing and having a sibling with a disability who had more needs than I did (and while I know all that therapy talk of blah blah blah don't discredit my own needs, etc. and I'm just as worthy which believe me, I know), I just don't like to let people down or disappoint them even if it means giving up something or not feeling comfortable. I've spent a lifetime compromising and I recognize, if you're practiced at it, sometimes it's easier for you and i don't mind doing it as long as I'm not the only one doing it all the time. But there are certain things you can't compromise. Watching Sportscenter when you really want to watch Ugly Betty is an okay compromise because sometimes he's gonna have to watch the romantic comedy you wanna see when really he wants to watch the Bruckheimer film. But when you're walking into a situation that you don't feel comfortable with because you're afraid to say, this situation doesn't feel right to me...then the problem is not the other person or the situation. The problem is YOU.

All signs point to me riding the brakes. I'm exhibiting more and more negative symptoms of being unhappy and anxious which means something's wrong. And what I've been learning is that it's safe to trust my intuition. And he's not helping me by pulling this insecure crap that makes me feel like I'm being emotionally manipulated. So then...

It's your call, Julia. I think this is like last May, when you had to decide what you were willing to do to support yourself. Is it a way of not being influenced by the past? Or is it a way of not repeating the past?

The thing I want to talk about most, I can't.

I'm sure some people are quite aware but it doesn't change the fact that I can't. Some things, you just can't put on the table out of respect and that's always something I try to be...respectful. And plus, there's no point in things being awkward or people getting hurt. I guess I really mean me. My getting hurt because there is no other potential outcome. I really don't like getting hurt because secretly, everything I present to people is a real part of me, whether I make it seem as such or not, and more gets to me than my pride lets me let on. And plus, I don't want to be an asshole.

So I keep it to myself. And I try not to think about it. And I try to not let it get to me or influence my moods.

But if people only understood how hard having Venus in the 12th house was, they would understand a little more about me and about who I am instead of how I seem to be. I've always said astrology is a means of understanding elements, so I don't know if it's possible to break things or change things...I just notice when things seem to support those presented elements, though I'll always be optimistic, because how else would life be worth going forward with if there was not hope? But it often seems that it's hard for there to be a balance for me, to be able to have what I want, what I truly value, what feels good without there being some kind of catch. Or it seems I'll be able to have something, but it can never be acknowledged for what it is, it can never be seen without conflicting some other structure, and it's always on someone else's terms. That's why I think it's so funny for people to think I need control...so often things are on another person's terms but I'm willing to make the compromise because to find someone that means a lot to me and feels safe for me is rare. I just go with it and appreciate things for what they are. It's kind of like always being hungry though, but I guess there are benefits of that. You're more appreciative of what you get.

Is that true? Or what I tell myself because I always seem to have the consolation prize? It doesn't matter though. Life is what it is. And you deal with it or you don't.

The one thing that I feel people misunderstand though, until they really get to know me is that I'm not a difficult person and I don't have a driving need for control , though I'm very protective of my autonomy until I've gotten to know a person well. I do understand I am hard to get close to until I trust a person, which I'm capable of. I think it's more of a method to filter out people who should and shouldn't be too close to me rather than a way of fucking with people or keeping ALL people out. For those who are trustworthy and that I establish good rapport with, it's very easy for them to naturally disable or slip through these defenses and get close to me, and I'm real with them because if they find me, they're the right people to have in my life and we add to each other's lives rather than detract. For everyone else, I'm still real and nice to those who are good people, but they just won't get to know me as intimately as others, but I don't think that's a bad thing either. It's still an honest human relationship. I also think, at the end of the day, there are reasons why people don't get close to each other even if they could. I think sometimes people connect on one level, but they still have to maintain social boundaries on another, so it is what it is...life. As we taught my brother so he could recognize people and how to interact appropriately, there are circles--you have inner circles, people you trust, your friends and family. You have an outer circle, your acquaintances, your coworkers, etc. People you are friendly but people you don't hug and say I love you to (we actually had to do this to get my brother to understand this specifically!). And then there's everyone else. And sometimes people move between circles, but basically, I think that's how all humans are. You can't have the entire world in your inner circle or standing outside of all the circles.

Whatever. Life is life. You deal with it or you don't. You find people who you pass the time with, interact with, learn things from, and if you're lucky, you meet random special people who you forge deep connections with based on true understanding and unconditional positive regard. These are people you can talk about anything with, and they will listen and take you seriously because they value you and all of you. Sometimes these connections last a life time and if so, you're very, very lucky. Sometimes they're fleeting, ephemeral. And if so, you're still lucky because at least you had it. And that's something you can't take for granted.

I just have to remember, life isn't always fair, but in the end, it's fair.

I've been wanting to talk about this for a while.

I have at least two great mental connections with men who are in relationships. These connections are non-romantic, non-sexual, and we've never made advances towards each other in any way that is disrespectful of their relationships. The connection is mental and to some degree, spiritual. Talking with them feels like being on the verge of a great idea, the exchange of ideas kinetic and an entire universe seems to lay just beyond our grasp but attainable, if we share our thoughts and ideas. I feel stronger around them, more stable, more able to comprehend dimensions of understanding beyond that which I currently have. And so much more feels possible. Everything feels electric.

But the one thing I am and have always been is honorable. I have never presented myself in the realm of the romantic, nor allowed myself thoughts as such. In fact, I feel slightly uncomfortable being alone with both, self-conscious that any of the energy or my attention be construed as romantic or inappropriate. I am careful to tread carefully out of respect to them and their relationships, and out of self-preservation for myself. The mental connection is too important for me to jeopardize by any misunderstanding or perceived romantic advance. I am so committed to not crossing the line intentionally or accidentally, that I don't even acknowledge that they are a man and I am a woman and they in any way could possibly find me attractive. Because like I said, I can't risk it. And I don't want to start anything in motion that can't be undone.

But as I get older, as my male friends engage in serious relationships that lead towards marriage, I realize that these friends, these mental connections, they can't continue forever.

For them to get too close to me could potentially present a conflict within their romantic partnership, possibly causing tension when it's unnecessary. I think if I were cool and he was cool and she was cool, everything is fine and everyone is friends. But when the guy's partner doesn't understand the things we talk about or connect about, sometimes the woman can get threatened, even though there is absolutely no threat, at least from my motivations, of boundaries being disrespected.

I have a good friend who has been in a relationship for a long time and he's getting married next year. I'm happy for him and always hoped he and his girlfriend would stay together, but I also know, that this may be the end of the type of connection we have. I think it'd been bothering me for a while, so I brought it up with my mom last weekend, as she knows all of us. She said the thing was that my friend and I are both very philosophical, creative types and we share a special connection there, something that he doesn't share with his girlfriend even though he loves her very much. But that we know we have to be careful so that we can be completely respectful of his girlfriend. My mom also told me that for sure his girlfriend knows that my friend is "attracted" to me because of that mental connection even if we won't let anything romantic ever happen even if there were any impulses, but that his girlfriend also puts a lot of trust in me for being honorable and not breaking her trust.

I understand all that and it made me a bit melancholy to hear it. Physically, I've never thought of him that way or wanted him in that way. But one of the things I really need in life is for someone who can answer my questions, because I have so many. And when I meet a fellow seeker who has seen things and understands things and thinks about things, I want to connect and exchange ideas, throw things around and perhaps combine ourselves to create new ideas. But that kind of connection sometimes conflicts with structures on a day to day reality, since at the end of the day, I am still a woman and the other person is still a man. So I know to be careful with the way you present yourself, the way you talk, the way you interact with them as a couple. You show his partner the upmost in respect and you never seem dominating or threatening. You call at appropriate hours, you respect their boundaries, and deep down, you forget that this friend is male even though all the tiptoeing just draws your attention to it, however annoying that is. I would rather not have to worry about it because I'll never do anything anyway. Whatever happens in life happens and if people are meant to be together they'll be together but no one can force anything and they shouldn't. But if people I care about are happy, that's all that matters. That and being able to talk to them.

I feel like if I were a man, it would be no problem and I could keep these friends that I have amazing mental connections in my life forever, and we would be able to leave the lines open. I know when I'm in a relationship, I feel guilty or am extremely careful when connecting with other men. But sometimes I wish life weren't so complicated, that it would just be what it is. People connect with other people, whether male or female, old or young, conventional or bizarre. Most of these are mutually exclusive but enrich your life in different yet necessary ways, and as long as you are truthful about them, you can handle several rewarding ongoing connections in your life without challenging your loyalties to another. I think if an ideal were possible, I would hope for this one.

I guess in all that, I'm just trying to say, I miss you guys. I really, really miss you guys and our discussions. I know it's life and life is about compromise and choosing a path and committing to it. To protecting your loyalties and not betraying the trust of those who have given you their trust and love. But sometimes I wish things were different, that there wasn't an inner conflict, that people felt expansive enough to be able to have different connections in their lives and be able to put away the sexual/romantic feelings that interfere with a male/female connection when the connection has the potential to be rewarding in a totally different way.

I have so many questions, and I just wish someone could talk.

Officially, the freak out began on Tuesday. I'm terrified of this trip. Terrified. It will be uncharted territory. High risk and high reward for adventure, drama, wisdom, creativity. But still, a terrifiying unknown.

I feel I have no choice but to move forward.

I think this is the most logical next step for where I'm trying to get.

I believe without exploration, there can be no discovery.

I am afraid.

Beat two guys at 21 two times in a row today. The last game I won with 5 consecutive shots on a sprained ankle (pull up jumper, 3 free throws, 3 pointer). It even surprised me because again, I'm never this good unless I'm alone or playing against someone with no one else watching. Something's pretty jacked with my right foot so I might be done for a while. But I was feeling really intense today, really brooding in a way that I couldn't even acknowledge the existence of a world outside of this game. And maybe that's what gave me the safety to be good. I blocked a couple of shots, too, which is secretly my greatest high in the game, the thing that gives me the biggest rush. It's getting in tune with someone so deeply that his moves are your moves, but when he gets to the place of attack, you're already there waiting for him. And yeah, I'm a bully for loving it, but you still get to be on top.

The day at the gym did start kind of uniquely. When I was warming up, I discovered the sudden return of my left. My wrist was somewhat rusty, but the motion suddenly seemed familiar again, manageable. It had been useless for so long, even though I had solid left hand post moves in high school. I'd found it completely unresponsive the last few years, like I was trying to communicate with a hand living on a foreign planet which I had no common language with. And suddenly today, it came back. And then I went on to beat those guys at 21 playing exponentially beyond my usual focus. I think they might be connected.

I had a dream a couple of weeks ago. In the dream I was laying in bed on a Sunday afternoon, and I had the idea that if I practiced doing things with my left hand, if I learned how to write with it, play basketball with it and feel adept with it, it would open up previously dormant parts of my brain that would allow me greater capabilities of understanding. In my dream I was drifting off to sleep, but I was excited to try it when I woke up.

Maybe today was a reminder that it's time to explore this to see if it will open up the other half of my mind.

It's been driving me crazy how Suri Holmes-Cruise, outside of looking a bit like a test-tube alien child, reminds me of someone but I just can't put my finger on it. It's been driving me crazy for a while now.

I was getting a haircut today, and since hair salons are where the best rumors run free, I asked my WeHo ear-to-the-ground pop-shaman what the deal was with Suri.

He said, "The latest rumor is that Tom's cousin donated sperm because Lord Knows, Tom doesn't have it in him to make a baby."

And then I had one of those Aha! moments. I knew who she looked like! I know Tom probably has many cousins, but I know of one in particular. Last year I had been marathoning Lost and had looked up the guy who plays creepy Ethan, only to find that he was Tom Cruise's cousin. And he happens to look like Suri, or more appropriately, Suri happens to look exactly like him.

Look at the eyes. They both have a strange downward slant and hooded lids:



Who knows. Maybe she got it from Tom's side of the family and he's really the father. Stranger things have happened. But while I'd been more inclined to think she was a genetic clone of Katie or spliced with DNA from the hair off a brush of L. Ron Hubbard, I guess this cousin theory is more plausible.

I hope Katie's 5 year/$8 million contract + perks is worth it.

Nice job, Karl Malone.

Yesterday I was shooting baskets on the same hoop as an old guy sporting crazy hair, like a Middle-Eastern Albert Einstein. He was kind of annoying me because he was the type who can't really play, but throws the basket at the hoop so hard it comes slamming off the backboard and will bean you in the back of the head if you don't keep an eye on it, but I lived with it. This white guy who was about 6'7" and his slim girlfriend came in and asked the guy if he wanted to play 2-on-2. The guy said no, he wasn't very good, but the guy said he wasn't good either and the girl doesn't play at all. We all shot around and the guy was kind of patronizing to her which was annoying considering she was actually pretty athletic and decent though clearly not someone who's had a history of playing. So I said, let's play 2's. I guarded him rather than her, and he said that she didn't know the rules so I said we wouldn't worry about it.

During the game, she played hard and made quite a few shots. We weren't really guarding her, just standing straight up when she shot, but he kept yelling, "Don't play defense against her." It really made me want to stick him with an elbow in the gut, which was right about where my elbows were, the guy was so tall. It was just really rude because it was condescending and devaluing her abilities.

It's like this guy thinks that he thinks she's great, I mean, obviously since he's dating her, but he doesn't really see her because he's kind of seeing her through a projection of himself or his idea of her/women. Which is a shame to not really see what makes a person truly unique and beautiful, especially the person you are with. That truth is really the pearl within the oyster. I'm not saying she's a great person as I don't know her, but I could just tell how limited his scope was and that was a shame.

I didn't really do much in the game, just passed it to my teammate, Einstein, and let him bounce the ball off the backboard while congratulating everyone who did anything good. I hit a few shots but I wasn't too into it. After the game, I was leaving to do cardio and stopped to shake hands with Einstein. He doesn't let go of my hand and tells me, "I can tell you're a good person." I say thank you and he doesn't let go, still shaking my hand. "I can tell you're a good person, that your parents raised you right and everything about you is good. Trust me, I'm 60 years old and I'm wise because I'm old so I can tell. You are truly a good person."

I cover his hand with my other one and hold his in both of mine, warmly, and say, "Thank you. You're very kind." And I look him the eyes and connect. He smiles, happy, and lets go of my hand. I pat him on the shoulder, smile and leave.

I realized that I don't really look that many people in the eye. I mean, I look at them, often in fleeting glances if they're aware of me, and I'm always perceiving them, but only when I want to do I look in a straightforward way in which they know without a doubt that they have all of my attention and I'm really openly connected. Earlier that day, I'd had a long chat with my dentist. I've been going to him for 5 years now, but for some reason that day, we stopped and had a 45 minute discussion about life and people. He said that when people talk, it's often a projection of themselves, what they want or what they fear. It was funny that he should have mentioned that because earlier in the conversation when we were talking about my ex-boss, I could tell from what he was saying, his feelings and insecurities about dating.

Maybe that moment on the court was just an old man wanting to tell a passing stranger an observation. Or maybe people just want another person to look at them and truly see them as good people so they can feel validated. Or maybe what it was really about was that this guy just wanted someone to see him and acknowledge him.

I think that's important to every person, whether we consciously acknowledge it or not. No one wants to feel insignificant. Insignificance is the first warning sign that a person might be disappearing and deep down, that is one of the most human fears.