On a different topic, I'm starting to think now.

Is the challenge to go or to not go?

To go would be the potential to bring something new into my life. A new experience, uncharted territory.

But is it really uncharted territory? Sometimes the names and places may change, but the lesson remains the same. I recognize certain things.

Is this the same pattern that has gotten me in trouble in the past and now, amidst my saturn return, I have the opportunity to show the universe that I learned my lesson that almost destroyed me years ago and can move on to a higher level without repeating this lesson? I will have really let myself down if I get into that situation again.

I heard myself say it today a few times and I think I was telling myself more than other people. I have a bad habit of getting into situations that are not great for me because I don't want to hurt other people's feelings. I have a tendency to be willing to make the first compromise, and while I know it has to do with my upbringing and having a sibling with a disability who had more needs than I did (and while I know all that therapy talk of blah blah blah don't discredit my own needs, etc. and I'm just as worthy which believe me, I know), I just don't like to let people down or disappoint them even if it means giving up something or not feeling comfortable. I've spent a lifetime compromising and I recognize, if you're practiced at it, sometimes it's easier for you and i don't mind doing it as long as I'm not the only one doing it all the time. But there are certain things you can't compromise. Watching Sportscenter when you really want to watch Ugly Betty is an okay compromise because sometimes he's gonna have to watch the romantic comedy you wanna see when really he wants to watch the Bruckheimer film. But when you're walking into a situation that you don't feel comfortable with because you're afraid to say, this situation doesn't feel right to me...then the problem is not the other person or the situation. The problem is YOU.

All signs point to me riding the brakes. I'm exhibiting more and more negative symptoms of being unhappy and anxious which means something's wrong. And what I've been learning is that it's safe to trust my intuition. And he's not helping me by pulling this insecure crap that makes me feel like I'm being emotionally manipulated. So then...

It's your call, Julia. I think this is like last May, when you had to decide what you were willing to do to support yourself. Is it a way of not being influenced by the past? Or is it a way of not repeating the past?