I've been wanting to talk about this for a while.

I have at least two great mental connections with men who are in relationships. These connections are non-romantic, non-sexual, and we've never made advances towards each other in any way that is disrespectful of their relationships. The connection is mental and to some degree, spiritual. Talking with them feels like being on the verge of a great idea, the exchange of ideas kinetic and an entire universe seems to lay just beyond our grasp but attainable, if we share our thoughts and ideas. I feel stronger around them, more stable, more able to comprehend dimensions of understanding beyond that which I currently have. And so much more feels possible. Everything feels electric.

But the one thing I am and have always been is honorable. I have never presented myself in the realm of the romantic, nor allowed myself thoughts as such. In fact, I feel slightly uncomfortable being alone with both, self-conscious that any of the energy or my attention be construed as romantic or inappropriate. I am careful to tread carefully out of respect to them and their relationships, and out of self-preservation for myself. The mental connection is too important for me to jeopardize by any misunderstanding or perceived romantic advance. I am so committed to not crossing the line intentionally or accidentally, that I don't even acknowledge that they are a man and I am a woman and they in any way could possibly find me attractive. Because like I said, I can't risk it. And I don't want to start anything in motion that can't be undone.

But as I get older, as my male friends engage in serious relationships that lead towards marriage, I realize that these friends, these mental connections, they can't continue forever.

For them to get too close to me could potentially present a conflict within their romantic partnership, possibly causing tension when it's unnecessary. I think if I were cool and he was cool and she was cool, everything is fine and everyone is friends. But when the guy's partner doesn't understand the things we talk about or connect about, sometimes the woman can get threatened, even though there is absolutely no threat, at least from my motivations, of boundaries being disrespected.

I have a good friend who has been in a relationship for a long time and he's getting married next year. I'm happy for him and always hoped he and his girlfriend would stay together, but I also know, that this may be the end of the type of connection we have. I think it'd been bothering me for a while, so I brought it up with my mom last weekend, as she knows all of us. She said the thing was that my friend and I are both very philosophical, creative types and we share a special connection there, something that he doesn't share with his girlfriend even though he loves her very much. But that we know we have to be careful so that we can be completely respectful of his girlfriend. My mom also told me that for sure his girlfriend knows that my friend is "attracted" to me because of that mental connection even if we won't let anything romantic ever happen even if there were any impulses, but that his girlfriend also puts a lot of trust in me for being honorable and not breaking her trust.

I understand all that and it made me a bit melancholy to hear it. Physically, I've never thought of him that way or wanted him in that way. But one of the things I really need in life is for someone who can answer my questions, because I have so many. And when I meet a fellow seeker who has seen things and understands things and thinks about things, I want to connect and exchange ideas, throw things around and perhaps combine ourselves to create new ideas. But that kind of connection sometimes conflicts with structures on a day to day reality, since at the end of the day, I am still a woman and the other person is still a man. So I know to be careful with the way you present yourself, the way you talk, the way you interact with them as a couple. You show his partner the upmost in respect and you never seem dominating or threatening. You call at appropriate hours, you respect their boundaries, and deep down, you forget that this friend is male even though all the tiptoeing just draws your attention to it, however annoying that is. I would rather not have to worry about it because I'll never do anything anyway. Whatever happens in life happens and if people are meant to be together they'll be together but no one can force anything and they shouldn't. But if people I care about are happy, that's all that matters. That and being able to talk to them.

I feel like if I were a man, it would be no problem and I could keep these friends that I have amazing mental connections in my life forever, and we would be able to leave the lines open. I know when I'm in a relationship, I feel guilty or am extremely careful when connecting with other men. But sometimes I wish life weren't so complicated, that it would just be what it is. People connect with other people, whether male or female, old or young, conventional or bizarre. Most of these are mutually exclusive but enrich your life in different yet necessary ways, and as long as you are truthful about them, you can handle several rewarding ongoing connections in your life without challenging your loyalties to another. I think if an ideal were possible, I would hope for this one.

I guess in all that, I'm just trying to say, I miss you guys. I really, really miss you guys and our discussions. I know it's life and life is about compromise and choosing a path and committing to it. To protecting your loyalties and not betraying the trust of those who have given you their trust and love. But sometimes I wish things were different, that there wasn't an inner conflict, that people felt expansive enough to be able to have different connections in their lives and be able to put away the sexual/romantic feelings that interfere with a male/female connection when the connection has the potential to be rewarding in a totally different way.

I have so many questions, and I just wish someone could talk.