WHITNEY!
I'm rewatching Romy and Michele's (Best movie ever!) and you know that scene where the vice principal tells Michele she has detention and they're walking away with their hamburgers? Did you ever notice Sandy Frink way in the background, fully turned around, staring longingly at her with a big goofy grin? I think I just found the antithesis of that Twin Peaks' guy-crouching-at-the-food-of-the-bed shot. It's freakin' HILARIOUS.
Some of my favorite quotes from Romy and Michele's High School Reunion:
[looking at yearbook pictures]
Romy : Oh my God! Remember what a big controversy it was for us to have our picture taken together?
Michele : Yeah, because Danny Weller like, lodged that complaint. Because alphabetically he was supposed to be between us.
Romy : So we said: "OK Danny. If you want to be between us, come to Michele's house on Friday night and we'll be waiting."
Michele : And then he showed up, and we were like: "Danny, it was a joke!"
Romy : And then we turned the sprinklers on him! [both laugh hysterically]
Michele : Oh my God! [abruptly stops laughing]
Michele : Didn't he die?
Romy : I think so.
******
Heather : Why are you tormenting me? Why don't you go fuck a sheep, or your sister, or YOURSELF? Braindead redneck asshole!
******
Clarence: By the way, I never fucked a sheep or my sister.
Heather: Why? You couldn't catch them?
******
Romy : Hey, um, great suit. Is that an Armani?
Suit Salesman : Yes. Yes, it is.
Romy : I thought so. So, what do you do?
Suit Salesman : I'm a suit salesman.
Romy : Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood.
******
Michele : Oh my God, you did it!
Romy : Yeah, I did.
Michele : What did you have to do?
Romy : I had to give everyone in the service department hand jobs.
Michele : Well, while you were doing that, I made us a tape of all the nostalgic songs from high school to get us in the mood.
Romy : Michele?
Michele : What?
Romy : Do you really think I would do that? For a car?
[Michele stares blankly]
Romy : Just get in.
Michele : O.K.
******
Heather : Do you live with Michele Weinberger?
Romy : Yeah.
Heather : I just figured she'd be married to Sandy by now.
Romy : Sandy Frink?
Heather : Yes, Sandy Frink! He could barely contain his erection every time she walked by! Why do you think he always carried around that huge notebook?
Romy : The Frink-a-zoid and Michele... I'm sure! Besides, didn't *you* have a thing for Sandy in high school?
Heather : I did not have a THING! I did not have a thing, I did NOT have a THING! I was VERY much in love with him! VERY much in love and there's a difference!
[to customer behind her]
Heather : There's a difference!
[to Romy]
Heather : There's a difference!
[whispers]
I have to go now.
******
Toby Walters : Since you never got around to it in high school, I was wondering if you would sign my yearbook. And please don't tell me to fuck off, because it really hurts my feelings.
Heather : I hurt your feelings?
Toby Walters : Yeah, all the time.
Heather : Tremendous! That's tremendous! Go get your stupid yearbook, I would be happy to sign it!
******
Heather : This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.
******
Michele : For me, it's like I've just given birth to my own baby girl, except she's like a big giant girl who smokes and says "shit" a lot. You know?
******
Romy : I've been killing myself for eight days and I gained a pound.
Michele : That's impossible. Did you deduct sixteen pounds for your shoes?
******
Romy : Well, anyways, are you going?
Heather : [referring to her cigarette] I'd rather put this out in my ass!
******
Michele : Remember the prom? You got so thin by then.
Romy : Oh, I know. I was so lucky getting mono. That was like the best diet ever.
******
Romy : Well at least she's not the one who got *fat*.
Christie : We're pregnant, you half-wit.
Romy : Yeah, well, I hope your babies look like monkeys!
What Constitutes Cheating?
http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=2656&articleSrc=2&sid=E656423E-DBF7-42A0-B0F2-8DE72A08C25D&trackingid=516311&theme=214&lid=159
This is a very general but somewhat interesting article. The definition of cheating really depends on the people involved and what they value and how they measure things. What do you guys consider to be cheating? I don't care what my significant other does when I'm not around. He can check out other girls, flirt with people, whatever. I don't care. I'd prefer that he not get physically involved with other people. But then if we have an open relationship that has been clearly discussed and outlined, then I don't care. What I want to avoid is being blindsighted. I think I'm more concerned with, what do certain thoughts/actions reflect about how much he believes in me and our relationship? How much he respects these things? Anything outside of that is harmless. Everyone likes to feel desired and attractive. Let him flirt all he wants when I'm not around. But just don't do it when I'm around because then it's disrespectful of me and the relationship.
I know I said that I would prefer a guy who waits at home. But if it's all innocent, what I don't know won't kill me and I don't ask. Time away from me is YOUR time. If I'm dating you, I trust you, so as long as you're not taking advantage of that trust and messing around, have a ball. It's all good with me.
You Are Guaranteed to Hurt the Ones Who Love You
Just because you're human. Thus, is the nature of life.
I am not a cynical person. Only very honest about the things that are true that we don't want to admit.
I am a very social person. I have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances and am warm and magnanimous towards just about everyone. But in all honesty, as open and caring as I am with most people in my life, there are only a handful of people whom I've allowed to be very close to me, and to these people, I have given a piece of my heart and soul.
When someone says to me, "I would never hurt you," I greatly appreciate the place they are coming from and their benevolent intentions. I have had amazing people say that to me and I know they would never, ever hurt me by their actions and thoughts, and I know the depth with which they care about me; it's incredibly beautiful and I cry a little inside when I think of them because I know I will never find the words to express how much their very existence and their kindness mean to me.
But inherently, when you let people in, they will hurt you, because you can't hold on to anything in this life. You can't take anything with you. And people go away, be it by circumstance or death. And no matter what your spiritual beliefs are, no matter where you can escape to within your head or your activities, it doesn't change the fact that loss is never easy to deal with.
I do not fear my own death. I fear the death of my loved ones. And this fear is so powerful and consuming, that I'm terrified of getting too close to too many people out of self-protection. When I care deeply about people, I don't like to tell them. Sometimes, I don't even let myself admit it. One reason is because people perceive me as such a surfacey creature--fleeting, optimistic and flippant, that I don't know how comfortable they would be if they knew the depth of my emotional well and how strong my feelings can be. I tend to show the passionate, intense side of me in tiny, measured amounts, because I'm afraid of overwhelming people.
The other reason, is that if I tell someone that their existence has been stitched into the very fiber of my soul and I would give everything inside of me and go to the lengths of the universe to help them find comfort in this difficult life, then it's out there. It's real. And I can't pretend that they haven't gotten so deep within me that one day, when they have to go away, a part of me will die.
It doesn't mean I'm not thankful for the people who are in my life. I am so incredibly grateful and thank God every day for the amazing souls who have reconnected with me and are here to accompany me for however long in this lifetime. But just to be honest, if I let you in to the deepest parts of me, inevitably, one day, you WILL hurt me.
So when someone says to me, "I would never hurt you," it's not that I don't believe your intentions. I do and I trust you, otherwise, I would never have let you in. But just know that that statement, by the very limits of life and human experience, is not true.
'Forever' in Relationships...
And as we make our vow
Let us remember how
There's nothing good that lasts forever
(
From one of my favorite books, The Feast of Love (Charles Baxter):
Every relationship has at least one really good day. What I mean is, no matter how sour things go, there's always that day. That day is always in your possession. That's the day you remember. You get old and you think: well, at least I had that day. It happened once. You think all the variables might just line up again. But they don't...What I'm saying is: that day was here and then it was gone, but I remember it, so it exists here somewhere, and somewhere all those events are still happening and still going on forever. I believe it.
***************
Nothing on this earth lasts forever. We spend so much time fighting the universe, fighting the very currents that make up existence, trying to hold on to things. We try to hold on to our youth. To our appearances. To wealth. To people. To the passion of an exciting new relationship. But life moves us forward and things change and go away. Even with relationships...either the relationship changes or the people do, often both. And it's not because you never knew the person; it's just that they grew, and they grew into something that is not the long-gone idea of the person you're still holding on to.
I believe people shed layers of their beings the way snakes shed skin. We are all constantly evolving, changing, growing. And if you only cling to and "see" one layer, that layer will be so far gone, that one day when you take another serious look at this person, you'll find yourself shocked--this person is near unrecognizable because he or she has evolved and gone through so many changes since you last really looked.
How can someone like me, who can't help but see the transient nature of life and all the things that can not be possessed and held on to, ever in good conscience, make a long-term vow when I can not predict the manner in which our relationship will turn or our individual spirits will grow? What if I make a vow and find that years later, our partnership has outgrown its purpose and is no longer healthy and uplifting to both of us? I've learned, it is pointless to hold on too tight and fight the natural course of life. You will only hurt yourself and other people by doing so.
Can't I just love you as you are now, and as our connection is now, renewing and reaffirming my love with every new interaction? Why do we force ourselves into pacts which we may not be able to uphold? I try very hard to not make promises I can't keep. And with marriage... inherently, we are making a childish pact based on our need for earthly security. How can I in good conscience, look someone I truly love in the eye, and make this vow of lifelong and eternity when I know that in the event our connection is done serving its purpose and begins to hurt either or both of us, it must be broken? You hope that the relationship and both partners grow in compatible ways. But again, life gives no guarantees.
If I love you, I will love you forever and I will cherish our connection forever, no matter where our life paths take us, even if we are no longer together after our connection has served its greater purpose . And nothing can take away from the power and truth of those feelings.
Can't that be enough? Please?
Settling
To say that I have a fear of commitment or a fear of marriage is not quite accurate. As Whitney once said, anyone who has ever seen me in a relationship will know that I don't have a problem with commitment. As another friend of mine observed, once I decide I'm in love, I march in all the troops so I have to be careful who I fall for.
If there is fear of anything, it would be of letting myself settle. I want to spend the rest of my time here on earth with a companion soul in a relationship that elevates us and brings out the best in us while giving us mutual understanding, respect, compassion and comfort. That is the only connection I am willing to have in a partner for the rest of my life. But I have yet to meet that person. Which is fine, because I can be pretty patient, and that person will be worth the wait.
I know I settle in dating and relationships. Because I seek out companionship when I'm lonely or bored, to pass the time until I find that connection I'm looking for. Every relationship I've ever had has been some form of settling, some worse than others. I've dated guys just for access to sex. I've dated guys just to have the comfort of a warm body to sleep next to during cold winters. I've dated guys because they were mental distractions. I've even dated a really ugly guy from the inside out and the outside in, a bad person whom I didn't respect and whose principles and energy I often hated, just to see if maybe there was a human being somewhere deep down inside, because I don't like to think that people can really be that ugly. Yes, last year was a complete embarrassment. And all my friends and family made sure to tell me so during both our our time together and after. But I think it was one of those things I had to go through, just to understand that bad people can't be saved, and I really shouldn't be trying.
I hate break ups and if I know something's not going to work out, it's really pointless to get totally involved. I enjoy living life without a companion because I spend a lot of time quietly observing the world and promoting better understanding of it within myself and to the world at large. I have a great group of friends, and even though I get lonely every once in a while, I find that the universe will even send me kind strangers with infectious smiles sometimes, to lift me up when I'm down. So I always feel like I'm on the right path and don't have to feel the need to be in control and force something that I'll regret later. If that connection comes along someday, that would be great, but if it doesn't, I'll still lead a fulfilled life, exploring everything that is under the surface of our world and communicating the things I see and feel. I'm not going to waste opening up the channels of true intimacy and soul exchange with someone who doesn't deserve it or doesn't understand what he's getting and thus, doesn't understand how to give.
There have only been two people in my life with whom I felt that connection. I had relationships with neither, because I wasn't ready with the first one, and the second one isn't available. But it's good that I met them. It's like the universe was letting me know what I'm looking for. So I think I'm close. And knowing that keeps me focused on the connection that will make me fulfilled, while recognizing the connections that will ultimately lead to disappointment and heartache on both sides if I commit myself for a lifetime to someone who is not my spiritual life partner.
Just watching Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, which is possibly one of the best movies ever made. It's like a live action cartoon, yet the actors are so SERIOUS about their roles. Lisa Kudrow is ASTOUNDING.
Justin Theroux's in it too. That guy always makes me FEEL something whenever he's on screen. You know, living in LA and working in the film industry, you pretty much get desensitized to celebrity. You recognize that they're just normal people, and in a way, you almost figure they're almost people you don't want to be around because of their egos or how conscious they are of themselves. So I usually avoid actors like the plague and am not terribly impressed by them. But the only two actors I can think of who I would totally sleep with if they just asked, are Justin Theroux and Clive Owen. I. would. be. defenseless. What is it about dark, mysterious men that just devastates me?
Everybody Loves a Dirty Sanchez (Part II)
So I'm sitting in traffic on my way to work, and I happen to glance over at the lane going in the other direction. Sitting right next to me, is a huge, hot-pink 18 wheeler. All muscle, baby...the automotive equivalent of a big, black 15-inch surgically enhanced porn rod. But the topper? On the driver-side door, in fancy airbrushed lettering, were the words, "Dirty Sanchez Trucking."
Hmm.
I think the small print underneath said, "Gangbang services at no extra charge."
And it had a bumper sticker that said, "My other car is the Pussy Wagon."
No seriously...WTF, man?
Dude! No wonder Brian and I are so depressed today. Mercury went into Scorpio today so we're thinking all morbid, dark thoughts. Not that I believe that where a planet moves dictates the evolution of people's lives. But I do believe that astrology is a creative way to use symbols to identify the currents that affect our soul energies. In the same way that American Indians named their spirits. And the way scientists named wave frequencies. We're just speaking in different languages, trying to describe energy. Life force. What we are. I like to think of what we really are at the core, our souls, as ghosts of sorts--each a floating awareness, completely free of any physical tensions, being blown whimsically by a soft, cool fall wind, blowing at dusk. The many faces and emotions of the wind are the numerous conflicting energy currents around us on the physical plane. The ones that lightly nudge (or violently shock) us towards the destination where time and space collapse to become one and the same. The ones we perceive as an intuitive pull, an instinct, an intrigue, or a burning bead of desire that motivates us along our lives. Or for the more spiritually dense, the impulsive forces of a chaotic anti-system that working off a cause/effect linear model, outputting statistical coincidence. (think: those theoretical monkeys in a room who by sheer statistical probability, achieved the right combination of symbols and banged out Shakespeare on a typewriter). Regardless of how these forces are visualized and expressed, it can not be denied that they exist. I've found the easiest way to live, is to let go of all tension...in your mind, in your body, in your heart, and just let yourself be directed by the currents, follow their cues... When you give up control and let go of spiritual tension so that your psychic awareness is taking in all of the energies around you, you'll find your life going in interesting places.
You'll find your universe becomes more synchronized. I believe a lot of life is the equivalent of coincidence for a person, in a manner of speaking, merely in the fact that you don't really care about things that don't directly pertain to you. Therefore, you have limited awareness of it, but really, no need to focus on it. It's filler. All those other people are all union extras. You don't need to know their names. But the things that directly affect you seemingly at random, are NOT coincidences. They move you along as well as serve as markers to tell you if you're on the right or wrong path. Sometimes it'll be the people I meet, an idea sparked by something I read or random experiences.
For example, last week I was having a conversation with someone about energy and intent. About how someone who is very empathic can feel people's energy and have a very good idea of a person's intentions, motivations and general internal make-up. A few days later, I went to a party where a psychologist was randomly passing out an article on an experiment that was done in which it was shown that how a water crystal forms can be influence by the energy of words (they would wrap a piece of paper with a word written on it around a glass of water and then freeze it. Different words created distinctly different crystal formations, with positive words forming the most complex formations and negative words sometimes not forming crystals at all). Beautiful. Someone was testing for anima. I was really excited because I had JUST been talking about this. So I put myself in a corner and read the article, thinking about this stuff and the problem is that I don't think it's a word written on a piece of paper that affected the composition of the crystal formations. I think it was the intent of the person who placed the paper, that person's energy, the projected expectations, that the water recorded within its crystal formations. The article didn't mention if the experiment was also run blind where the person who placed the paper didn't know what the word was. I suspect that would make a huge difference. Because water, like new pussy, can't read.
Anyway, so I come back and I've been thinking a lot about this stuff. I go to lunch at a little Vietnamese restaurant on Tuesday and sit next to some physicists from UCLA. Of course I'm eavesdropping because that's just what I do, and plus, the one in the corner with the shaggy hair and MIT t-shirt is really cute. I had an intuition I was going to try to jump into their conversation, so I warned myself, Shih, stop fucking embarrassing me. You had BETTER not. They talk about the movie Waking Life for a while and I almost get through my lunch without talking to anyone but the waiter, but then one guy goes, "Hey, I just read in a journal about this experiment that was done with water crystals and words." And I say, "I have that article on me!" (Damn. I ALWAYS talk to strangers) So he wants to see it so I give it to him and they talk about it, but I had tuned out already, because it was like, once I gave him the article, I had ZERO motivation left to even be aware of them. Like I picked my hat off the saloon floor, shook off the sawdust, pulled it over my head as I casually took in the damage of the room...brushed off my hands, saying, "Well, my job here is done," my faithful 17 year-old nephew and deputy, Willie, trailing behind me as I push open the swinging doors, my sharp silhouette quickly devoured by the merciless high noon sun. Hmm. Boy. I'm not quite sure where my mind just went.
So in the name of cutting this short so I can get to bed tonight at a reasonable hour, I think if you open yourself up and just "go with the flow" of the universe, it gets you to where you need to be, and in contact with the people you need to meet in order to complete the specific challenges set out for you in this lifetime. At different times, we serve as facilitators to others, helping them along their paths without knowing exactly what we're supposed to provide them. Life is really exciting if you think of it that way. So many things have such purpose. And I think we shouldn't concern ourselves so much over obsessing about what the nature of the connection is or what the purposes are within the connection, but rather, we should just go with our gut instincts and let ourselves be guided through life to get to where we need to be.
This is something I've only recently realized. I always understood it intellectually, but I've only recently learned how to feel it...the releasing of inner tension so that you can be guided by the forces around you. Connecting to the psychic, spiritual currents of the universe is easy...you can learn how to do it. It feels like forcing a muscle to relax...and you can get better and better at it. I liken it to that first buzz when you drink or smoke. But substances can't hold you in that state of receptiveness. You really have to learn how to achieve it on your own.
A handful of impeccable albums that make me feel things. These albums express the parts of me that I have no words for.
1. Parachutes (Coldplay) I don't think anyone will disagree with this one.
2. The Bends (Radiohead) Their best. Honest emotional truth without intellectual distortion.
3. White Ladder (David Gray) Beautiful heart, beautiful soul. This album makes my soul ache.
4. No Angel (Dido) Girl freakin' power.
5. Australia (Howie Day) Introspective, contemplative.
6. It's a Wonderful Life (Sparklehorse) Does anyone know of them? Has anyone heard this album? MAJOR, MAJOR, MAJOR props if you have! This album is AMAZING. Ethereal.
9/23 Recap
Come here
Pretty please
Can you tell me where I am
You...won't you say something
I need to get my bearings
I'm lost
And the shadows keep on changing
And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head
Don't cry,
There's always a way
Here in November in this house of leaves we'll pray
Please, I know it's hard to believe
To see a perfect forest through so many splintered trees
You and me
And these shadows keep on changing
And I'm haunted
By the lives that I have loved
And actions I have hated
I'm haunted
By the promises I've made
And others I have broken
I'm haunted
By the lives that wove the web
Inside my haunted head
Hallways... always
I'll always want you
I'll always need you
I'll always love you
And I will always miss you
Come here
No I won't say please
One more look at the ghost
Before I'm gonna make it leave
Come here
I've got the pieces here
Time to gather up the splinters
Build a casket for my tears
I'm haunted (By the lives that I have loved)
I'm haunted (By the promises I've made)
I'm haunted
By the hallways in this tiny room
The echos there of me and you
The voices that are carrying this tune
----haunted (poe)
Today's Mood: http://homepage.tinet.ie/~drunken/lyrics_4_3.html
Here it comes...fall...my favorite season, but also the most difficult time of year for me....the slow, grueling spiritual death before spring regeneration. My deep-seated fear of November. november november november. why am i so terrified of november? what happened in november??????????????????
I disappear during the fall and cut off a lot of contact with people and I can feel it coming on already. But it's not something i am big enough to control even though i wish to god i could. fall spins shadows out of control. they overtake the walls. and then the ghosts want to talk.
and while the door has been opened today, can i just say the one piece of truth that i've never had the guts to say in my entire life?
i hate what my family made me.
Snippets from Club Manic Theatre:
Interior.Living Room. Night
[Julia enters.]
Julia: Dude, Brian, I just picked up my first spider!
Brian: WHAT???
Julia: I think I just took a huge step in confronting my arachnophobia.
Brian: OHHHH. I thought you said something about you killed a fighter.
(to Lauren)
I'm laying on the couch watching TV this morning and this bitch comes walking up to the doorway, just like this...
[He staggers through the door with his eyes barely open]
...I was up until four in the morning.......playing video games. In her t-shirt...and black panties. And I'm like, gooooood god. Jesus fucking christ, not in the morning." And I'm like, "Girl. Pull up your panties!"
Julia: Dude. Why are you messing with me?
Brian: I'm NOT messing with you!
Julia [walking back to her room]: Whatever. I was just telling you that I picked up a spider.
Brian: That's great!
Julia: Fuck you.
Brian (angry): What the fuck? I'm trying to tell you that's great and you tell me fuck you.
Julia: You're just mad that I didn't tell you about that guy.
Brian: Pshhh...I don't give a fuck. So next time you freak out because there's a spider in your room, you won't irritate the hell out of me about it.
Julia: Well, I can't guarantee that I can do it again. This may be a one time thing.
Brian: Well if you can do something once, you can do it again.
Julia: You think so?
Brian: Yeah, like fucking a guy on a massage table and acting like nothing happened I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PLAYED ME!!! This whole time!! You TOTALLY played that off like, that guy was gross, he was all weird and had weird shit in his house, eeeeew...and you totally FUCKED HIM.
Julia: You had no idea?
Brian: I had NO idea! This WHOLE time. You totally played it off like you were weirded out by him. You told me, I thought he was a freak, I got weirded out, I came home early and I BELIEVED you!
Lauren: But meanwhile. You fucked him.
Julia: Isn't it weird, all the secrets people have? I have so many secrets that no one in the world who knows me has any idea about.
Lauren: I don't think I have any secrets. I pretty much tell people everything.
Julia: Come on. You're Scorpio Moon. You MUST.
Lauren: Well.....yeah. I guess I do have a few secrets.
Julia: Like what?
Brian: Her huge dong.
Lauren: I just shave and tuck away. Shave...and tuck away.
Julia: Why shave?
Lauren: Well...the hair gets caught in my zipper. And it's really uncomfortable.
10 minutes later
Lauren: Okay, I'm gonna go now.
Brian (in an English Accent): Roight. Roight roight roight roight roight.
Lauren (in an aristocratic accent): Ciao! Ciao for now!
Brian: Roight, roight roight roight.
Lauren: Ciao! Ciao for now!
Brian: Roight roight roight.
Lauren: Ciao!
[Brian closes the door]
(dude. Our place? Weird shit goes down).
9/22 Recap
Had a great meeting this morning. Negotiated some great avenues to help our company achieve aggressive financial growth. Which is pointless because my boss is CHEAP and everything I do is pretty much wasted effort. I hate my job. What is the point of me working so hard to build relationships and finding opportunities for my company to make a shitload of money to achieve the aggressive growth my boss demands (20-25% a month) if they WON'T GIVE ME A REASONABLE BUDGET. I'm going to leave soon. I have to. There is no point of me even trying if they're gonna be cheap muthafuckers and expect huge growth on no risk. I even offered to donate my salary to cover the fee to sponser a major hospitality conference where I found a hooked up liason who will personally give us access to CEOs and COOs of the major hotel chains. And they laughed and said, "No, don't do that. It's not right." What's not freakin' right is how they waste me. What is the point of me strategizing realistic ways to put our company in the path of lucrative deals for moderate risk when they won't do anything? FUCK THEM. I'm not going in anymore. I'm just not showing up anymore. Gonna go to Bennigans and hang out with Jennifer Aniston. And discuss her lack of "flare."
Met up after work with this guy Jon whom I met at the food court last week. I told Brian I was meeting up with "the guy I met at the food court last week" and he asked, "Not that guy who fucks other guys?" No, not the same guy. No, I don't know if this one fucks other guys. But not the same guy. Would it be possible for me to ever live down that guy? Christ. We met up at Q's and played pool with his friend Eric, whom I met last week, too (they were having lunch next to me). Jon's a nice guy...very emotionally straightforward. Which I know would be good for me because I'm too complicated to be trying to date complicated people. But he's also 4 years younger than me, and considering I have yet to date someone even MY age, this makes me feel like I'm robbing some sort of cradle. Plus, dating young guys...you're asking for trouble. They've got wild oats to sow. So I only stayed for 45 minutes because I had to run home for a massage appointment, but in that time, he beat me at pool twice and we chatted about his grandmother who's depressed. Like I said, nice guy, very easy connection. But not one that blows me away. Just a distraction. If even that. Plus, he lives in Irvine. Which, unless he had been a soulmate of the passionate love connection ilk, makes him geographically undesirable.
I was getting a massage because I've got this problem in my right glute that needs to go away. So my chiro suggested trying massage therapy. So this woman was massaging my ass and I was asking her if she thought the problem was due to nerves or due to muscular tension. So I asked her, "Is it muscular?" And we both simultaneously realized that it sounded like I was asking her about the firmness of my butt as she rubbed it. Good God. Make it stop...
Today's mood: http://www.greenplastic.com/lyrics/rh_songs/exitmusic.php
My Self-Exploration Continues:Why I'm an AWESOME Girlfriend (if I could find someone willing to date my crazy ass...)
Venus in the sign Cancer indicates people who are deeply sensitive in their romantic feelings. Their extreme vulnerability means their feelings can be easily hurt, but they hide this vulnerability behind a dignified exterior. Of all the Water signs, someone with Venus in Cancer is likely to be particularly nurturing and caring in relationships. These people are attentive to their partners' needs and particularly to their emotional well being. They are able to tune in sympathetically to their partners' moods and offer unobtrusive emotional support.
Your whole nature hides in a protective shell till you have taken the emotional steps that make you secure; then it unfolds graciously, like a flower in the warm sun, and beautifies your whole world. The fear of being hurt by love is very strong. You like sentimental gestures only if you think they spring from sincerity. The forced kiss, the dutiful embrace, mean nothing to you. Your emotional polarity is not primarily physical; and though you can respond to ardor, you can take it or leave it. Someone with Venus in Cancer will easily reach out and touch those she cares for as a gesture of love and affection. Within a relationship, these people will want both to give and to receive a lot of gentle and loving physical contact. They want to be held, stroked and cuddled. (they're often better than sex for me....)
This person may 'mother' his or her loved ones in all kinds of ways. These people may literally feed their partners, finding great pleasure in cooking them their favorite meals.
In relationships, you are most concerned with security and permanence. Quality, not quantity, is important to you in love relationships. The emotional bonds you form with a partner are strong and enduring, and the commitments you make in love are forever. Once you are involved in a relationship, infidelity is simply unthinkable. You are extremely possessive and jealous, and couldn't bear to have your mate be unfaithful to you. Even if your relationship is unhappy, you will stay in it for the emotional security it provides; and nothing could be more devastating to you than to have your partner leave you.
You invest totally in your lover, and expect the same sort of unquestioning devotion in return. You want to share everything with your partner. If your lover has several planets in Taurus, Cancer or Scorpio, this symbiotic existence may work out fine; but someone whose chart is dominated by Arien, Geminian, Sagittarian or Aquarian energies will feel smothered by such closeness. Nevertheless, when you like someone, you like that person a lot, and you show it. You are a very faithful friend, and you will never do anything to hurt someone you like unless that person hurts you first - in which case you are very likely to strike back. (Never with the small things but definitely if I were betrayed, manipulated or taken advantage of. Then seriously...hell hath no fury...)
Within the context of your relationships, you are highly emotional, though if your Sun is in Gemini you won't show this emotional side of yourself to anyone other than your lover. In order for you to be content in a partnership, you must be able to form a strong feeling connection with your mate. You want to be so entwined that you can intuit each other's needs and desires, and don't even have to speak.
Killing with kindness is sometimes present. Ties of friendship will be long-lasting. Love and affection will be focused on the home, and a great deal of money will be spent carefully to make it comfortable - although often cluttered and untidy. (haha...I haven't seen the surface of my desk in years)
Your family is the most important part of your life and your reason for living; thus, you may spoil your children and sacrifice everything else for them. You love children - your own and everyone else's - and may devote much time and energy to caring for them.
If the Sun sign is Gemini, this Venus placement heightens the level of Geminian emotion; and, provided the subject doesn't overrationalize the feelings, these will be marvelously and romantically expressed, showing kindness and a cherishing quality. The sex life must be lively and stimulating. The subject is considerate and a good communicator with both friends and loved ones.
What they leave out is that I need the freedom to flirt with EVERYONE and talk to EVERYONE and be trusted, but I expect my partner to loyally wait at home for me and be so secure in himself, that he's okay with that. Because I won't cheat and you've got a death wish if you cheat on me. Doesn't seem fair? Yeah, that's why I stay single. I take relationships really seriously and don't like wasting my time on stupid people, but I can't bring myself to demand that kind of relationship, even though realistically, it's probably the only kind that I'd be able to stay in long-term. And also, I hate that in every relationship, guys start to expect me to mother them and they become such babies (some more than others). I prefer a balanced relationship where we take care of each other and look out for each other.
More Explanations for My Freakitude!
Been reading some updated psychological astrology research articles, which I haven't done in a while. This stuff is INSANE!
My moon in 2nd House:
Garrulousness with this position is an indication of serious sexual frustration. (raise your hand if you've noticed how I can't shut up).
Sexual fulfillment is extremely important to this position. They are generally powerfully attracted to potential sexual partners. (hee!...you don't say...) If, for some reason, this attraction does not bring them a fulfilling relationship, it will cause a variety of mental and emotional problems. (Naw...) Both sexes seem to radiate sexual energy. (Yup.) They are very aware of sexuality in others from an early age. (Hey, L...remember the "Pants Down Game?" Uh...I don't either) The Moon's sign and the aspects to it from other planets will show whether this is a positive and healthy development, or if it leads to repression and a fear or hatred of sex on the one hand, or to a cynical exploitation of it on the other. (Repression or fear of sex? That's not me...)
Some women have no qualms about taking anyone who pleases them to bed, maintaining all the while a virginal façade and a total and lifelong silence on the subject, even to best friends. (Holy Crap!!!!!!!!!!).
Love is very necessary to these people, although it may or may not be directly connected with sexuality. If others show it, they may make fools of themselves for love. Powerful attractions that are hard to deny and may last for years. Artists with this Moon position will seek a 'muse' or love object for their talent to revolve around. (WHOA. I'm a secretive love fool. I'll never tell a muse that I'm in love because I don't want them to fall from the heaven I've placed them in and become mortal. Without love, yearning and denial, there is no art)
Venus in 12th House:
They may love someone to whom they can never declare their love - someone unavailable for one reason or another, whom they can only ever love in secret. This could be someone they know, who is in their life in some way but has no idea of how they feel...(dude...story of my life. If I truly love you, I'm not gonna tell you. I don't know why, but I just won't)
They may choose to remain uninvolved. This might be a conscious choice to be celibate. (hee!)They may long for a 'pure' spiritual or mystical love experience. (definitely) Or they may prefer to be alone with a fantasy rather than to be in any real relationship. While this can be a lonely option, their fantasies around love can remain ideal; untinged by reality, they can create the perfect love in their mind. (couldn't have said it better)
They are often extremely sympathetic and compassionate people, and can be drawn into loving out of pity. (You don't say...) Venus in the 12th also denotes the love of what other people reject; the love of the downtrodden, the underdog, the criminal who really has a heart of gold, the person nobody else understands, etc.. (Or someone really, really ugly inside and out? You wouldn't happen to know any of my ex-boyfriends who fits this description, would you? Because if you did, you should probably tell him to stop being a stalker and GET OFF MY SITE)
Sun in the 11th:
Generally attractive, they can be intensely charismatic, in some cases projecting an almost godlike quality of higher knowledge, inner strength, or supernatural wisdom. (my ego doesn't need this)
Expressions of care must be powerful and total, to penetrate your own power center. Curiously, to feel loved, you must love. You cannot conceive of being loved by anyone for whom you don't feel love. Equally paradoxical is the fact that you are not receptive to courtship unless you've already chosen the courtier as your beloved. (HA! I have to be interested in you, before you show me that you're interested, and then you have to be the one to initiate and be very, very clear that you are interested. Otherwise, I assume everything short of a clear, absolute declaration to be gestures of friendship) Yes, you are susceptible to flattery (sometimes too much...), but unless you actively love the individual already, compliments are interpreted as simple friendship.
Uranus in the 3rd House:
Uranus in the third house can indicate that you have unusual sisters and brothers. You may have one or more siblings who cause you a great deal of unrest or worry, someone very bright and unorthodox, or very troubled, or both. (!!!!) A natural stress can occur in electrical passageways and connections within the brain that can manifest as insomnia, inability to integrate sensory stimuli, speech difficulties, 'switching' between the left and right brains that leads to disjointed, random thought processes. (Whoa. I'm telling you, I need subtitles when I watch DVDs not because I can't hear, but because it's easier to process sounds into words if I can visually follow along)
How to Look Up Your Own:
Go to www.astro.com . Register and fill in all of your birth info. This only works if you know your EXACT time of birth! The site will compute your chart and give you which house certain planets are in. Open another browser and go to:
http://groups.msn.com/interpretations4/general.msnw?action=get_threads
On the left panel, will be lists of planets in houses and their interpretations. Have fun!
If I really loved you, then I wouldn't tell you.
Because if I really loved you, then I shouldn't tell you.
Did I drive you away?
I know what you'll say,
You say, "Oh, sing one we know."
But I promise you this,
I'll always look out for you,
That's what I'll do.
My heart is yours,
It's you that I hold on to
That's what I do
And I know [that I'm] wrong
But I won't let you down,
(Oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah I will, yes I will)
Yeah, I saw sparks.
Hey Whit! Look what I found about my moon in Libra today...
While both sexes may be romantically amorous, they are notoriously fickle and wavering in romance. They are also easily thrown off balance emotionally, given to secretiveness in matters of the heart. They seldom take others into their confidence in their more personal concerns. They have an unusual attraction for people with the Sun or Moon in Pisces.
HAHAHAHA! I think we've just found the root of my Pisces fetish.
You know, I really don't get mad that much. But the one thing that will really, really get me is when people are selfish and disrespectful, and take obvious advantage of a friend because this person happens to be very nice and easy-going.
These kind of things really remind me that I have ZERO tolerance for drama, and ZERO tolerance for those with a gross lack of consideration for others.
It's the end of the night. Brian, as is his nightly custom, asked me if I could clean off the dining table for him, shower him and put him in bed. I was overanxiously overanalyzing things in my head, as is my nightly custom, so I absentmindedly said, "No because I'm freaking out here. But I will take off your pants."
I quite possibly have more sex on the brain than even the average guy.
My Beloved Muskrat Is Abandoning Me For a Boy!!!!
From the Muskrat's mouth:
I, myself, just got back from a mini vacation. My guy, Jef, and I went to New Mexico, and just in time! We couldn’t have planned it better. The hurricane called for mandatory evacuation on my little beach the day after we left. Though the aftermath of it all proved to be a war zone all is well with my little apartment and my family.
While chaos was going on at home, I found myself in the land of serenity. I roamed through the dry desert, climbed several mountains, and felt as if I had reached the peace of the earth. New Mexico is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. Though it was right under my nose at all times, I never thought such splendor could reside in my own country.
The smell of the desert is like new air that has never inhabited the lungs of human kind before. It is so fresh and clean to breath! My first encounter with the desert will forever be embedded in my mind. Upon the new morn Jef and I drove through a twisted road towards the peak of a great mountain that overlooked Santa Fe and, what seemed, the entirety of that vast wasteland of beauty.
Jef was all smiles that morning as we sat on that peak talking for hours about life and all that she encompasses. Finally, the conversation started to cease into a comfortable silence and then he asks me, ever so casually, “So, do you think we are ready for the next step.” “Sure,” I threw out with a flip of my carefree hand and a quirky side-smile. How was I to know that the next instance he would pull out the sparkliest ring that ever did reside!
I was breathless! Never did I have the plans of marriage in mind. I’ve always just been bumping around, but here before me was offered a soft place to land. Words escaped me….
The only thing I could think to say was, “Can I get back to you on that one?” He had informed me, with a smile, that he was already prepared for that answer and would wait for my reply. We continued our vacation. The thought of marriage upon my doorstep lingered on the back footsteps of my every thought with a ring from the doorbell every now and again from a humbled voice asking, “What do you think of that proposal now?” The man was brilliant in his patience. I have to give him that!
Two days rolled by as we made our way up to the Sandia Mountains. After a few hours of hiking we roamed around until we came to a clearing that overlooked the setting of the sun. My eyes filled with pink. Sandia means ‘watermelon.’ They called these mountains the ‘Watermelon Mountains’ because when the sun sets and reflects upon their brazen backs the mountains glow pink. Jef, being the ‘Mr. List-it’ that he is, suggested that I try and think of the good and bad of it all and write it down to help me along in my conquest while he went off to take pictures in his Ansel Adams way.
But, the thing is I had been trying to figure out the bad the whole day. True, I never saw myself as married, and true there are things about the man that I know will drive me insane, however I couldn’t count that as bad. I’ve always said that I wanted to live my life to the fullest, and though I’ve never really considered this route before I could not exclude it, fore what a wonderful adventure it all would be.
And so, as he came out of the murky forest I asked him to come sit beside me. I took the ring off and gave it back. He was not pleased and for a moment refused to take it. I finally forced it in his hands and asked him to ask again. He got down on one knee and said the words as if he had said them for the first time.
The windy air breezed between my lips as the desert stirred about in her silence. Moments lingered for hours there. Finally, I exerted the word ‘Yes’ and the next moment breathed in that peace that only the desert could provide. New Mexico is truly the land of enchantment!
I love you, Muskrat. You are gonna have a blessed life with Jef. :) Please name your first born Julia. Regardless if the baby is male or female.
So the Goobernator can grab boobies and be elected governor, but I can't have sex with dead people?!?!?
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=573&ncid=573&e=3&u=/nm/20040913/od_nm/crime_necrophilia_dc
Damn you msn/hotmail!! My email is down. Anyone who is sending me emails...all hundreds of you...er, two of you, please know that I can't get emails. I have a communication addiction. It's worse than heroine. Not having email or my cellphone on me today is like my own personal hell. I'm ready to jump off a ledge. A low ledge, albeit, but still, a ledge.
While the Cat Was Away...
While Brian was away, I:
-spent the entire weekend walking around in my bra, basking in air conditioning.
-watched documentaries about child molestors
-stared at my reflection in the oven for an hour
-sang 80s songs loud enough for Bitch Downstairs Anna to hear.
-played guitar for hours on end.
-wrote a song. Called my mom to play it for her and she said, "That's nice. Now back to me..."
-worried about being stalked
-gave Peyote a lesson in sex ed. I used a textbook about humans though, because I don't know what turtle sex is supposed to be like.
-wanted to go to 7-11 but thought that was too far of a drive.
-Thought about making a booty call to a male friend who's into Jesus. Thought that was too sick of a sick joke.
-Thought about booty calling Reggie, a very cute actor. But he's probably mad at me because I never call him back.
-Thought about how silly it is that I'm thinking about making booty calls when I obviously don't have the guts.
-Went to the Tar Pits. Walked through the museum. There are these pump things that simulate what it's like to be stuck in tar. I thought, this would be a great workout for your arms. Rolled down the grassy knoll outside. Listened to the folk musician standing outside. Some song about a "cigarette pie."
-Went to a bbq at Whitney's. Made a lot of sausage jokes.
-basically, BEHAVED myself.
(thank you)
A Saturday Night In!!!
I don't care if people think I'm a nerd. I love staying in sometimes and just having things be quiet....
But when you're in the city, it's never really quiet. If you've ever been out camping, then you know how noisy a city is. Being in the city is like going camping with that kid who doesn't shut up. You end up blocking him out so you don't notice him anymore, but he's still talking. In the city, even at its quietest, there's always something buzzing in the background at a low frequency. I wonder if that's really bad for us--that kind of noise pollution. [Mental note: search web for research on that]
Anyway, this is what I'm doing in this post. I'm sitting here writing my script. And I'm home alone so I'm scared. But I have to be alone to write. So I'm leaving this open to keep me company. It's kind of weird, isn't it? But frankly, it helps. So this is gonna be a total stream of consciousness post because I'm going to be jumping back and forth between the script and this, and I get a lil' crazy when I'm writing at night.
Writing this supernatural script is freaking me out. I have to be honest with you guys. A writer's journey is scary. I've never tried acid, but from what I hear about it, it sounds like what the writer's process feels like. You've got to go deep in there, find a world that you created and make it so convincing to yourself, that you might truly believe it exists. But you always think you've got a safety line pulling you back into the real world before the other one drowns you. I believe that for writers, it's very important for them to be in a safe environment with people they trust. Just to have access to a trusted network for reality checks. Like Stephen King having his wife who obviously looks out for him. I think he would have gone insane within the writing process if he had delved into the process as intensely as he did, but didn't have that kind of support.
I wonder if this is why I'm always afraid of really committing to being a writer. You have to dip into insanity for grueling periods of time. And you're relying on other people to be able to pull you back out. I guess it's really about trust. Trusting that the people around you will be able to keep you connected to the real world while you're writing. People who are determined to be around those who are writers must be saints. Or sadists. Ooh...watch out for the sadists...
Recurring nightmares. I personally never thought I had them, but then I would have one and then think, oh yeah. I've had this dream before. And then I'd forget again. They're like obsessive thoughts in your dream self. Whatever they represent must really freak you out. I personally have recurring dreams of being chased and thrown down a well to drown. Persecuted. By bullies.
So I went to a psychiatrist who hypnotized me to talk about the dream. I told her that I was some fat guy wearing straw or something loose on the bottom and I wasn't very smart, but I noticed things. And that no one took me seriously. That I had laughed at the King's men's shoes as they rode through the courtyard (their shoes were fancy and made out of some nice felt-like fabric or something and really red, which was so impractical because the moment they dismounted outside here, their shoes were going to be covered in mud.) And then someone must have told them that I laughed because they came and grabbed me when I was out minding my own business and I was caught off guard and scared, and they dragged me to the well and threw me in. And they looked down at me, being cruel, and I was so scared and I hated them so much because I knew that no one in this world was going to help me no matter how scared I got and I realized that I was going to die, and everything as I knew it was very soon, for sure going to END. And there was absolutely no way around it.
I just remembered all of this. This happened years ago.
Man, I'm totally stream of conscious-ing tonight. Having my brother around required so much attention, that now that he's gone, I have so much bottled up creative energy that I need to get out. I wonder if sex gets it out. I wonder if I would be less creative if I were having a lot of sex. Like George Costanza when he becomes really smart when he abstains. I know that I get NO writing done when I'm in a relationship. I just don't have the creativity in me. So I know that if I need to finish a project, I have to be very very careful of not being interested in anyone or falling into a relationship. Ironically, the most creative time is after not getting someone that I really wanted or losing something that I desired. Like post-break up or finding out the person I have a crush on doesn't have the same level of interest. That's the best time for creativity...the time between when the bad thing happens, and when it really sets in. It's like surfing the creative wave. (I also have a lot of dreams about surfing). But it's so masochistic. This process is so masochistic. It requires that you purposely fall for people you are pretty sure you can't get, or get into a relationship where you know you'll be unhappy or things will end up badly. You're trying to ensure inner conflict. Work up frenzied need and desire that gets denied an outlet. The sparks that create the raging fire that can translate into creativity if you so choose to use it in that manner. Be wary of writers, people. This is my honest advice to you. We often subconsciously but intentionally fuck up our own lives to give us the fuel for creating our art.
Anyway, I'm going to go pour myself a glass of wine, get a nice fire going in the fireplace, put on some soft classical music and knit. Or go through Brian's room to see if he has any porn. I'm not sure which yet.
Okay, I'm back. He didn't have any.
I'm kidding, Brian. I didn't really look.
But I did check in on your favorite lil' man of the house, and I'm worried about Peyote. His shell is starting to get these weird, reflective plates. I don't know if that's just what happens when they get older, or if he's sick or something. Or what if it's cancer????? Do you take a turtle to the vet? Is that strange? What if he's dying? I know; you're rolling your eyes at me, saying, you know what we should do? We should just kill that fucking spastic bastard. But you know what? Maybe the things you say really hurt his feelings. Maybe he cries about it all the time in that tank but we just can't tell. Maybe he's depressed because he's living in fear of you, knowing that you hate him and would kill him if anything were to ever happen to me. He's tired of being degraded and berated by you. You're making him sick, Brian. You're making our baby sick. Why don't you just put down the newspaper for just a few goddam minutes a day and talk with him. Find out how he is. Who his friends are. If the bigger turtles are offering him drugs at school. He's YOUR responsibility too, you know. What? NO. Don't walk away from me. DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM ME! Okay, fine. DO NOT GET IN YOUR CAR. DO NOT GET--NO YOU BETTER NOT START THAT ENGINE! I KNOW YOU'RE NOT GONNA START THAT ENGINE! DON'T YOU DARE DRIVE OUT--STOP!--IF YOU YOU BETTER BRING ME BACK SOME FUCKING TAMPONS FROM THE STORE YOU ASSHOLE!!!
Or, I could stop licking my turtle.
Let's Take a Little Station Break for a Friendly Disclaimer
Friends, loved ones, strangers. Even ex-boyfriends who secretly check out my site on a daily basis but don't think I know. I've realized that when I started this blog, it was just for me. No one knew about it; it was like open mic at the poetry showcase every time I posted, with me opening up about really private, naked things for an audience full of strangers. Yes, I'll always continue to post very private things, because I'm just embarrassing like that. But now it's gotten so big, and I don't know who's on here reading. It's like spending a whole rainy day afternoon talking to yourself in the basement, having entire wonderful and funny and tragic conversations with yourself, and then turning around and suddenly finding that you have an audience. It's a really weird feeling.
But I wanted to say that I don't want anyone who knows me in real life and reads this blog to be offended. I tell mostly anecdotes because they're funny as hell, but out of respect.
I also just want to let the people who interact with me in every day life, who have come to know me through day-to-day living rather than putting together who I am from the clues of this site, to know that I don't post about you not because I don't care about you, but because I actually care a lot. I think the things a person really cherishes should be kept private. Wouldn't you agree?
And please understand that I live in my head a lot so most things on here are what my simple robot brain deems intellectually stimulating, funny or confusing (I don't understand emotions). I'm not calling anyone out or communicating to anyone through cryptic messages. Anymore. Not for a while. Okay, not true. But what I mean is, please don't take what I write too personally. I honestly don't think that much when I'm writing these things.
In other news, some people ask me what it's like living with a male roommate. And I say, "Brian and I are like brother and sister. Except I'm the brother and he's the sister."
Labels
I've been having an interesting conversation with an interesting person over the last few days, and one subject that jived exactly with a subject that's been obsessively running through my head is that of labels. It's funny how synchronized the universe is...it was the exact conversation I needed at this time.
I have long been saying that collective perspective makes up reality, and because reality is made up of collective perspectives, it can not, by nature, be objective. It's the asymptote. It can get really really infinitely close to objectivity, but by nature, it will never be 100% objective.
Same thing with people. There are infinite numbers of depths, planes, frequencies and facets of people, that it is really hard to come up with an exact detailed inventory of who a person is.
Take a pen for instance. Uncap it and put the cap at the end. You look at it from one angle, the cap, and it looks like a 2-dimensional circle. You look at it from the opposite angle, and it looks like a cone ending in a point. You look at it from the side view, and it is a long cylinder. Because we have the luxury of distance to view the whole and observe the boundaries of the object (where "All that Is the Pen" ends and "All that Is Not the Pen" begins), we are able to see what the object is despite its different appearances from different angles.
With people, we can't see the boundaries of the person. We have done a great job measuring the physical characteristics of people, but what about all that can not be measured--the psychological elements, the emotional elements, the psychic elements and the projected elements? And what about the fact that these elements are constantly shifting and morphing? Thus, in order to perceive a holistic person, we have to fill in a lot of the blanks.
I've always said that we don't really know anyone. Think about it. The person you will know best in your entire life is yourself. And how well would you say you know yourself? Let's say you know yourself pretty well, in this moment. How well will you know yourself in an hour? In a month? In 25 years? We're always changing. Nothing in the universe is static. Thus, we take those facts that we believe to be true, and based on the sum of these facts, fill in all the necessary assumptions to create the whole.
I've been through this theory already somewhere on this site, but I'll run through it briefly again. Say you meet someone. He tells you he's a kindergarten teacher, he reads to the elderly on weekends. He has a wife and three young kids. You spend some time with him and you observe that he has a very gentle, kind manner of speaking, is friendly, and appears to be sincere making you trust the information that he himself has provided.
In truth, this is what you know:
-he's a kindergarten teacher
-he does charity work
-he is gentle and kind
-he appears trustworthy
That's all you know. But in order to interact with this person, we will fill in the blanks and assume that this man in his entirity, is the archetype of a good person.
Let's say, you run into him next week. His behavior and manner are the same, but this time, he confesses that he was in jail for 5 years doing time for rape.
His manner has not changed. His presentation remains consistent. But now you must assimilate this new data in with the old data, and reconstruct your idea of this person. Usually, if the new data is fairly consistent (which it usually is...the more data that is compiled, the more likely new data is consistent enough to be assimilated), the idea of the person is stable. If the data is inconsistent, this causes problems in trusting who this person is, because the old assumptions are contradicted by the new data. This is the phenomenon behind why we freak out and feel like we "don't know someone anymore" when we find out new information about him or her that we can't fit into the projected image that we felt had been accurate.
The only way we can function socially with others is by filling in the blanks to build our idea of the people we interact with based on the facts and observations we receive. But I believe there is great danger in putting too much weight onto projections and assumptions, and not being very aware that new data will come in and will need to be assimilated.
So in essence, I think it's very important, when dealing with people, that you listen carefully and keep an open mind. Be careful of not running away and being dogmatic with YOUR IDEA of a person, but try to keep an open channel for learning about this person, so that your idea of who this person is is updated with all the new information you receive.
Which brings me to the idea of labels. Labels are necessary. They're necessary for personal identification and for identification of others. It's the wholesale process of the aforementioned assumption process. But to cling to labels is dangerous.
I'll use myself as an example. I am female. To see me as female shows me classified as a gender, different from male, with all the personality, physical assumptions that come with the classification of being female. The me in my entirity, has been dissected to show the parts of me that fall into this classification. I am approximately 26 years old. That puts me in the 20s age range, coming with more personality, physical assumptions. Tomorrow I will be approximately 26 years old + 1 day. I am American. Again, different but more assumptions. Perhaps I will not be American at a later date. I am a Gemini (personality assumptions). I am kind-hearted. Perhaps I will not be kind-hearted tomorrow. I am heterosexual. Perhaps I will not be heterosexual tomorrow. I am generally benevolent. Perhaps I will not be generally benevolent tomorrow. Etc.
It is impossible to define a person based on characteristics, labels, etc. because not only can you not itemize all of them to determine the sum which would define the person, but because those characteristics are either constantly changing, or vulnerable to change.
(note: The sum of the parts of anything do not "equal" the whole. The sum of the parts, through logical coincidence, "correspond" to the whole--produce a parallel entity that happens to equal the whole. A whole is a facsmile of the sum of the parts, but it IS NOT the product-entity of sum of the parts.)
So all that semantical mumbo jumbo is me trying to say that labels will suffice to get us through the day, but it's so so so important to always approach people (and yourself) with fresh senses as new information comes in constantly that require for you to adjust your idea of the person so that you are aware of and can stay (as close as humanly possible) in touch with who this person truly is.
Otherwise, you're really just shadowboxing with imaginary friends that you created in your head.
Plug (No Brian, Not a Buttplug)
I'd like you all to put together a warm bloggers welcome to my good friend and frequent partner in hilarious crime,
But don't be fooled. Her real name is not Urethra Doy. Nor Sareet. It is Lemonjello (pronounced LiMONgelo). And we have the same father. But different mothers. Her mom's the slut. I hate dad.
So check her blog and check it often!
Also...
Jamie wrote a wonderful poem that really touched upon something that I have never been able to really find poetic words for--those people you meet in life with whom you just feel an INSTANT strong connection, who are just so comfortably familiar, that you feel like you've known them all your life even though you just met them. And whenever you're near them, the entire universe seems to open up for you, infinite expanses of darkness filled with such depth and so rich with Truth, that it expands you beyond limits because this connection feels like undisputable proof that everything that exists really is built upon love, as an energy and vibration, that through birth and death, you never really left, and overall, there's nothing in the long run or the big picture that isn't okay.
Everyone Loves a Dirty Sanchez...
Brian handed me his rent check a few days ago and said, "I went easy on you this month."
I looked at the check and under "For," he wrote, "September Rent and Dirty Sanchez."
I laughed. "How is that going easy on me?"
Brian says, "They won't know what it is. And if they do, they're a dirty mutherfucker."
**************
So usually I don't care because I deposit his checks at the ATM. But I had to pay back my cash reserve this month so I had to see the teller. When I walked in, it was like deja vu (see
Oh I forgot about one detail. I was depositing a check for a Dirty Sanchez and $800 in cash (from Vegas). That's why I thought this all looked really, really, really bad.
Women...It Is NOT Okay to Socialize in the Restroom!!!!!
There's an Asian girl who works in the office across from mine. She's in the same office as Hot English Guy Who's At Least 10 Years Older Than Me (See 5th Post from Friday Jan 30th ) . So I've become wary of her because every time we see each other in the women's room, she chats with me. I don't mean a simple, "Hi. How are you?" as we go into the stalls. I mean, she'll lean against the sink, and chat while you're in the stall. Now I come from the school of thought that if I don't know you, you should only be speaking to me in a public restroom if: a. You need toilet paper; b. You need a pad or tampon; or c. you've set your hair on fire and you need me to open the door so you can dunk your head in the toilet. You do not, however, stand outside my door and ask me things like, "So where are you from?" "How do you like working at your office?" "How do you think Kerry's gonna do in the election?" GOOD GOD. LEAVE ME ALONE.
So I've taken to a defensive strategy. If I happen to glance out the window and see her heading to or from the bathroom, I go to the bathroom after she's done. If I walk out the door and see her on her way to the bathroom, I hurry back into my office and hide until I see her walk back to her office. This has been a successful strategy for over 4 months. But today, I ran right into her coming out of the bathroom. Her face lights up and she says, "Oh! I haven't seen you in here for a while! I thought maybe you'd quit your job or something!"
I'm embarrassed and scared because I'm worried that she's gonna stick around and follow me in.
I tell her, "Oh...you know, it's been SOOOOOOOOOO busy and I just don't have time to go to the bathroom."
She looks concerned.
So I continue: "Yeah...usually I just hold it all morning and go at lunchtime when I head over to the mall, or I just wait til I get home. Usually I just forget I have to go. You know...you try not to...think about it too much."
She's looking very concerned. "You have to be careful. That can't be good for your body."
I say: "Yeah but, you know, when you're busy, you just forget to do things. In fact, I just remembered that I haven't eaten all day!"
I'm starting to get creeped out because I worry that we're heading towards a conversation about the health of my bladder, so I excuse myself as she's in mid-response and luckily, she doesn't follow me in. Yeah, I know. Maybe I'm being mean. Maybe she just likes me because I'm Asian too and she wants to be pee buddies. But please, woman. I don't know you. Don't talk to me in the bathroom. It's creepy.
(An excerpt from my mystery writing project. not to be confused with my supernatural mystery script. it's just a project i'm not telling anyone the details about. 5 particular people, on one particular day)
i can see you through the wall. you are small and curved and fit well in the palm of my hand. but i would never try to trap you like that. i would only breathe in your scent and let you wander through your own mess that you've made, tantalized by your willingness to make the same mistakes. tonight i went through all the old clothes in my closet and tossed out anything that looked like something you might wear. because it was too much that i may be turning into you. but please, enough about me. what about you? where has life taken you in the time since you ceased to live with the dying? you think you've risen to a new place that erases all memory of a past? well, don't think twice. because i'm coming for you. and by the time i get there, you will have forgotten what it was that you thought you had.
**************
seventeen days before the end. and i can't stop drinking coffee. you would think i would be able to rest but this whole maelstrom of mental activity makes me want to vomit and piss at the same time, to get as much of my insides out onto flat surfaces for me to examine. don't throw up on the carpet, she said. it's a bitch to clean up. but i've done it already; she just hasn't found it yet. saturday morning will have me on a bus back to newport but it's still friday early morning so i have time yet to set right all that's fallen through the cracks and rotted. yes, the morning depends on me getting past the night. today it's a little gunshy and the blackness feels resilient. true true. but there's enough for a person to do in the dark when he's spent his lifetime digging a bottomless tunnel.
***************
I've never found a single thing to believe in and here I am, sitting in line, waiting for a visit into that back of the hall examination room and I think in one morning, this morning, my life will fall apart even though some shell of me will continue seamlessly. I have not left anything but it is all leaving me. Dying is just a tunnel. Falling. And when you realize there's no bottom, that's when it's time to panic. The smell of morning usually refreshes me but today it makes me sick. Today something in me will die and today, I will be the one who killed it. But it should have known. It should never have tried to seek the support of someone who's been dying since the moment she was born.
****************
Fuck. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. fuck you fuck you fuck you and all your fucking friends who blow out snot in the bathroom showers and piss all over the rim. Fuck you for not looking me in the eye because you think I'm a motherfucking faggot when I know what you want and I know who you are and don't try to hide it from me because I know it's all there. you think you're better than me but at least I admit to what I am and you walk around pretending that you're something else when you know that you're as black as me on the inside. I AM black. You'll feel me one day and you'll know you should have never fucked with me. FUCK. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK.
***************
I walk into the empty hallway and see that someone has already wiped up the mess that the cops left. An investigation is almost always messier than the crime, but I'm just elated that the crowd is gone. I never liked crowds. And the echo of silence has always carried me through the time it takes to get to the ending of a new beginning.
this is not an angry poem (seriously)
on the first
of october i will mail
you what’s left of me after you
walked out six years to the day some
hair a few teeth the ashes of pictures long since deceased
and a whole lot of grievances
that don’t come cheap that i’ve
collected for you into something
familiar like a sixty pound
(leadhearted)
rubber band ball
9/8 Recap
8:30am-5:30pm: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Came home, read an entire book. Night Train by Martin Amis. Hated it.
Whitney called. She always cheers me up. Not that I was down. I was just typing up a poem. I think when you answer the question of "Watcha doin'?" with "Working on a poem," people automatically think you're depressed. Which I am. I mean. Not. (No really, I'm not). Whitney made fun of me saying that she's never met anyone who lived so much in her head. I asked her what she meant. She said, "You're always thinking. Or you're thinking about thinking. Or you're worrying about thinking about thinking. Or you're worrying about worrying about thinking about thinking." Wow. She makes me sound fucked up.
I forgot to tell you guys a story from Vegas. When I was in the Shark Reef, there was this hispanic family with a little boy who was about 2 years old. They kept putting him up on a ledge in front of the glass to take a picture and the boy would get scared. So as soon as his mom would let go and move away, instead of jamming his thumb into his mouth like most kids that age, he would jam his finger up his right nostril, looking TERRIFIED. I shit you not. I saw him do this twice.
Today's mood: having full conversations with people in my sleep
I think it's ironic that my acupuncturist has prescribed me Chinese herbs that are to be taken with wine; I'm someone who, outside of specific occasions, hates drinking. Just a small amount of alcohol will make me lethargic and give me a headache (even more ironic, is that the only thing that doesn't make me sick is good tequila straight-up). So while most people would be ecstatic if they were prescribed alcohol, I'm sitting here, glaring at my glass of wine.
I hit up Amoeba tonight to get the Muse (Absolution) album. I was listening to it on my computer up until July when our free Real Rhapsody subscription ran out, so I thought it was about time I bought it. It's an awesome album. Great for writing at night. I picked up a Thievery Corporation album as well. Real mellow. Great for driving at night, thinking about writing.
I can't stop thinking about how stir crazy I am. I think I'm just starved and lonely for genuine human interaction right now. If it keeps going on like this, I'm going to make demands to crawl back into the womb (speaking of, I once accidentally freaked out my brother when he was little, when I pointed to my mom's stomach and said, "See that? That's where we used to live." Good times...)
I miss Rie. I miss Muskrat. I miss Ethan. Good people.
I zoned out for 4 whole hours today. While still managing to take over $2,000 worth of orders and negotiate and approve an upcoming ad campaign in a new industry. Like I went through the motions, but the "me" that makes up "me" was off somewhere, contemplating the spiritual auras of Denver and Portland and the next thing I knew, it was past quitting time. It's starting to creep me out how much of my days are spent on autopilot, and how functional my empty shell appears to be. What if one day, I just disappear and that's all that's left of me? A robot under fluorescent lights? bionic knees. just give me some bionic knees
It's almost Fall. My favorite season. Poetry season. Reflection season. Depression season. I can't wait.
My back has gotten better except for this seperate ball of agony in my right butt cheek that showed up around the end of July. My left side killed me from last July on, and then it switches to my right. Queer. I also think it's strange how the appearances of these pains in my ass have coincided with relationship break ups. I don't want to sound kooky here, but I suspect that boys, on top of being somewhat idiots, really are pains in my ass.
In Vegas, my mom and I were walking around when she said, out of the blue, "I've noticed that black guys really seem to take to you." She doesn't know that while I appreciate the aesthetic beauty of black guys and tend to openly admire them, I'm too intimidated by them to date them. She followed that with, "Just be friends, okay? Don't marry one." So I asked her, "How about this. Would you prefer a black guy or a woman?" She said neither and I said CHOOSE and she said, "Only a white guy or an Asian guy." And I'm like, what the hell?? (White guys are dorks!! [just kidding. But seriously]). Though this is a conversation we have just about every time we see each other. It doesn't concern me what she thinks. I don't think I've ever been stopped from doing something I feel strongly about because of someone's irrational objection. But in truth, no one can really choose who they fall in love with; you'll meet many soulmates during your lifetime who come in different packages from different backgrounds, and if you're not open to who shows up, you may miss out on a soulmate connection that could turn into a very beneficial and comfortable life partnership. I'm just looking for that thing that feels RIGHT, whoever that may be with, and I'll probably have to deal with my own preconceived notions if that person doesn't fall under the type I had assumed. But that's my own problem, and a challenge I look forward to dealing with.
And furthermore, I would like both my parents to stop putting homophobic notions in my brother's head. They are so afraid of my brother being gay, that they tell him all kinds of crap to scare him straight. I spent the three weeks he was here setting him straight (no bad pun intended) that gay people are normal people and often amazing people and it doesn't matter who they like. Asian people care way too much about reputation. They need to stop that or I'm going to commandeer my brother.
So I Married an Axe Murderer Quotes
(i love this movie...)
Stewart: (Charlie's Dad): William! Move your head! Look at the size of that boy's head!
Tony: Shhhh!
Stewart: I'm not kidding, that's like an orange on a toothpick!
Tony: Shh! You're going to give the kid a complex.
Stewart: Well, that's a huge noggin! That's a virtual planetoid! Has its own weather system! Head! Move!
***
Guard: Hello everyone, I am a park ranger and I will be leading you on the tour. All of the park rangers here at Alcatraz were at one time guards, myself included. My name is John Johnson, but everyone here calls me Vicky.
***
Charlie: Harriet...marry me.
Harriet: No.
Charlie: ....Please??
***
Harriet : Do you actually like haggis?
Charlie: No, I think it's repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
If I Were to Move...
I've made a random list of criteria for an ideal place to live (numbered, but in random order of importance):
1. Has forests and decent rainfall, yet is close to bodies of water.
2. Has seasons (preferably mini-seasons such as in the Pacific Northwest where the summers/winters aren't as harsh as on the East Coast).
3. West of the Mississippi
4. Very intelligent and open-minded population
5. Low poverty/unemployment level
6. Low crime
7. Strong and diverse culinary sampling
8. Diverse population
9. Community-, family-oriented atmosphere
10. Good venues for live music
11. Has an NBA basketball team
12. Good gyms
13. Good 90s music radio station
14. Good hip hop radio station
15. Minimal traffic/commute to work
16. Diverse religious background
17. Strong artistic community
18. Where my future life partner resides
If you guys have any recommendations, let me know. I have some free Southwest vouchers so I'm going to be checking out cities. I already know that I love Seattle.
This was important to me...that people be educated. Ignorance breeds small-mindedness and at the very least, I prefer that the people who make up the personality of a city be educated:
http://www.census.gov/acs/www/Products/Ranking/2002/R02T160.htm
Of that list, places I'm willing to consider:
1. Seattle
2. Austin
3. Albuquerque
4. Portland
5. San Diego
6. Denver
But in honesty, I don't think I have the guts to move. But in an ideal situation, I would love to rent out my place, quit my job and just live nomadically while I can since I'm still young and have limited responsibilities.
You know I've got a special rageful place for people who are predators of children.
This article is RIDICULOUS. Our justice system blows my mind.
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&e=5&u=/latimests/20040824/ts_latimes/escapesofasexpredator
Weekend Recap
There will be no weekend recap because I'm too tired to go through this weekend in overanalytical detail.
So I'll just go through some random thoughts. I've been pretty random lately anyway.
First of all, I'm convinced that anyone can always get laid in Vegas. It's a simple fact. But it's such a vacuous experience that I don't know what the point of it would be.
There are those who gamble for the social aspect of it, and those who gamble for the gambling/financial aspect of it. I am the former and am not compatible with the latter. In fact, I find serious tables to be a recipe for stress and losing a lot of money. I prefer tables where everyone is friendly and hoping that everyone else does well.
At whim, I bought some rolling papers on Saturday and rolled the pot that couple gave me into three huge joints. I bought a pack of cigarettes and threw out some cigs so I could fit the joints in the pack. Since pot-smoking was once a mainstay in the hippie tradition, I thought I would keep tradition alive by finding someone worthy to pass them on to. I forgot about them until Sunday, when my mom and I played blackjack between two guys from Wisconsin. They were really nice and fun. They invited me to hit up a club with them, and I wouldn't have minded since they were really cool and non-threatening, but I wanted to call it in early that night. I thought I heard one of the guys asking the cocktail waitress for weed and I suddenly remembered my goodie box. So I asked the other guy, "Did he just ask her for weed?" The guy laughed and said, "I wish." When my mom and I left the table, I told her to go on ahead and cash out our chips--that I was going to the bathroom. I doubled back and asked one of the guys if I could bum a cigarette. He reached for his pack and I said, no, let me borrow the whole pack. I had palmed the three joints in my hand, so I walked a few steps away, slid the joints in while closing the box in a single motion, then handed his pack back to him, telling him, "I changed my mind but left you guys a present." I walked away, but turned around for a last look just in time to see him open the box, do a double take and close it quickly, his face lit up like Christmas. Now they have a story to take back to Wisconsin. And that makes my day.
Wherever I go in Vegas, I inevitably end up at Harrah's, where the people are nice and fun (both the employees and the customers). And I love the Carnival Court, that outdoor pit, bar and stage with the crazy flare bartenders and the awesome cover bands. It's like toned-down spring break there all the time, without as many stupid drunk hos and dumb frat boys. I spent most of Saturday there, going back twice. I was relieved to find one of the groups I loved to still be performing there. They played 70s funk/disco/rock, which was a nice mix. I watched them in the afternoon as my mom slept with her head on my shoulder. The band at night was an all white band that covered a range of things, from Justin Timberlake, Outkast and Tupac, to country/classic rock. I saw them and thought, I KNOW those guys are gonna be kind enough to play some Guns N' Roses. And they freakin' rocked it out with Sweet Child of Mine. I went with my mom again and we danced. She's really shy, but she likes music and festive places. She really appreciates that I take her to places like this, which is sweet. It kills my game, yes, to have my mom in a bar or club with me, but honestly, I figure that when I'm older, I would love it if my kids would be willing to treat me like a friend and hang out with me. I'm not there yet, but I know it's lonely getting old.
I think my dad was upset with me because I didn't spend any time with him. And also because I got home at 5am and 8am on Friday and Saturday respectively, and he always thinks that when I get home really late while we're staying at a casino, it's because I've picked up a dealer and am off having sex with him, which is never true. I think I was severely irritated because he spent most of his time hanging out with my cousin and the boys on my cousin's basketball team, which I think is so damn lame when those punks only look up to him because he buys them things, while meanwhile, he neglects his own son. There. I said it.
I think I've known this for a while, but just don't want to face it yet -- I want out of LA. People in LA are too neurotic. I don't mean neurotic as in harmless quirkiness or eccentricity. I mean the dangerous kind of neuroses where people are internally damaged and play it out with their immediate environments and everyone in the vicinity. I want to go spend time in places where by sheer comparison, my quirkiness aside, I'm the craziest person in the room, and people basically have a solid, trustworthy core. Where you live should be a place where you want to live, not a place where you feel you have to cope with living in.
Neurotic people hide in cities. They are as much mentally overstimulated as they are existentially and/or emotionally conflicted so they search out an environment that is equally as chaotic or more so than their insides, so that the internal is balanced with the external and thus, their own private chaos and neediness is justified and supported. And while there isn't a problem with neurosis itself, it can be expressed very detrimentally to the emotional welfare of others. I keep making a distinction between liking small town people versus city people (especially because I'm a small town girl myself), but I think what I really want is to surround myself with people who have inner integrity and emotional harmony. I'm sure detrimentally neurotic people can be found in small towns just as stable people can be found in big cities. But I want to be in an environment that promotes psychological wellbeing and truthfulness. I know that I'm eccentric and a free spirit, but I also know that I have a lot of inner harmony and integrity. Overall, I'm a stable, dependable person, and as much as people can deem me elusive, non-straightforward or mysterious, I doubt that anyone who has ever met me can question my sincerity and my goodwill towards fellow human beings.
I learn about life and the universe through observing people. My life purpose is about understanding people and the inner workings of life, and communicating what I observe, hopefully for the benefit of other people. But sometimes I feel that I let my romantic drive get in the way of my education of people, so that I get too close instead of remaining in the background and ensuring that I see things clearly and objectively. I have to learn to be more disciplined and not let my romantic, idealistic notions cloud what is really in front of me, creating an unTruthful idea of people and things. This has been a problem for as long as I remember. Don't fucking touch the Muse, Shih...
I need to get a secondary business card to represent me as a writer. The card from my film company is quirkier and more targeted towards the film industry. I want another card that represents me as a more serious freelance writer putting together people-interest articles. Isn't that such a gemini thing, having multiple business cards to represent different facets of my work? If I get another one for writing, that brings my total up to 4 different cards--one for my full-time job, one for directing/writing, one for business development and one for serious writing.
I'm taking a free online course about Forensic Science through Barnesandnoble.com . I just ordered the course book and for fun, some books on child psycho-pathology and neurological disorders. Sometimes it trips me out how heavily into spirituality I am, and yet, how heavily into science I am. I think they're just two different languages of explaining similar things; when they contradict each other, they're natural contradictions, not contradictions that exclude the validity of one another. But I find it beneficial to learn about science so I can have a language in which to explain more abstract concepts to people who insist that they only believe in science. Like how I think the dynamics between conscious perspectives, through a phenomenon similar to triangulation, create reality (which is inherently subjective), and the more people are gathered on a frequency, the reality becomes exponentially more subjective, thus explaining some psychological phenomenons (and pathologies) that occur in urban areas. And all this can easily be symbolized through mathematics. Pretty simple mathematics. Unfortunately, I don't have a background in math or computer science, so I need someone's help to help me create a program that will follow a formula to graph out what I'm talking about. I tried doing it by hand once (the dynamics between 120 people gathered in one interactive plane) but it was grueling and nearly impossible to be accurate. Anyway, I digress. I need to meet more people with backgrounds in math and science, yet are openminded and can fathom the abstract.
Sometimes, I think I am a robot.
